The 80's...a simpler time

Flock of Seagulls

I love Pandora on my android phone.  I also invested in some mid-level noise canceling headphones a few months back from eBay which allow me to listen to audiobooks, podcasts, and streaming music through my smart phone all while drowning out my coworkers.

Sometimes, like today, I can lose myself in the music I grew up with in the 80's.   My friend told me about a station called "Haircut 100" which plays all the alternative rock, ska, new-wave, and pop-rock of that decade including artists like David Bowie, Depeche Mode, Madness, The Fixx, Big Country, Flock of Seagulls, and the like.

It's fascinating to me how the brain associates memories with certain stimuli from our senses.  Over the years various smells have brought back vivid memories for me, transporting me back in time.  I can almost picture with perfect clarity events as they unfold as if they just happened moments ago.

The same tends to happen with me and music.  Certain songs, whence I hear them put me right back into High School.  I can remeber driving in my car with friends, dates, hanging out at the beach, and even emotions.  Yes, certain songs bring back deep seeded emotions that fill my being such as love, excitement, anticipation...and even the bad ones: sadness, loss, frustration, etc.

But today most of the songs I'm listening to I have favorable memory associations with, and wish I could be 16, 17, 18 years old all over agin.  Ah, to have those problems as opposed to the mind numbing ones we experience as we get older.

A time where I was in fact concerned about styling my hair, which clothes I was wearing, and what tape cassettes I had in my car.  Where the biggest financial concern I had was if I could get a $4.50 movie ticket after filling my $20 gas tank.

Lord I miss those days, but I have my music that I can relive those happier times in 3-4 minutes chunks of time.

Burnt out...literally

So another 3 day holiday weekend came and went and despite just hanging out at my house yesterday I am exhausted!

Friday, I went ahead and skipped Celebrate Recovery.  I just stayed home and watched TV.  A friend texted me, and I just ignored it...I didn't want to head out anywhere after 9pm.  And I'm still actively segregating myself from some of my neighbors....putting some distance between me and them after last weeks wifely visit.

I also skipped my men's group on Saturday morning at 6:15.  Instead, I did chores about the house.  I walked my dog, went to the grocery store, and bombed my legs at the gym.  I bombed them so hard, that I'm actually having trouble walking the last few days since. My quads, glutes, and hamstrings are indeed that sore.  Iwas hoping to go to the gym all three days.  Instead, I made it only the once.

Saturday was a blur.  I attended a BBQ in the afternoon that I was invited to by a friend at my church.  While it was a nice gesture, I could only stay for about 2 hours.  The other issue was that I was the youngest person their by at least 10, if not more years,  I think the majority of the people there were retired and even though I knew many of them, I still felt out of place and out of time.  I'll be honest and admit it did sting a bit when I came home alone (and to not spend money) and then learn that my wife went to a concert that evening in Vegas with some mutual friends...whooping it up and having a good time.  Money should not be my 'god', but I was a little side-tracked on wondering how she paid for it.

Sunday evening I hosted my BBQ, and it was a blast.  It started right around 5pm, and most everyone left by 9:30pm.  The last few hung around until about 11pm, and the uncomfortable questions about my marriage and the status of my wife were brought up.  I figured it was inevitable, but still, I don't really enjoy getting into deep discussions face to face with my friends.  Even though they are my friends and support me, I find some of their advice and antedotes a little too secular for my tastes.  I also don't like revealing major details like I do here.  It's unsettling to me, and even though I'm sure none of them do...I can't help but feel a tinge of my own paranoia and feel like I failed.  Many of them have told me in the past they always consider me a leader

I really tried to limit the discussion as such: 1) We tried a professional intervention for alcohol abuse and it backfired.  2) She got mad and defiant and thus left me and my daughter and wrote off the family.  3) She's been gone since mid-March and shows no signs of effort to try and reconcile with me or anyone.  4) She's still unemployed as far as I know and is leaving me to pay the bills., And finally 5) There are now lawyers involved.

I try not to get into the nitty-gritty details and when they press further, I sense myself deflecting.  I don't exagerate the issues/problems and I tell everyone I am no saint either, but at the end of the day, the simple fact remains and cannot be changed: I (we) tried, she didn't.  I told them I have my days....some 'okay', some 'not-so'.

Yesterday (Monday) was a strange day for me.  In the past, my whole street usually gets together for a BBQ or chat in the afternoon.  At least it's been that way the previous 7 years.  Yesterday it was dead silent.  To keep myself amused, I watched some TV, followed by starting a new train model, then walked my pup.  I laid out in the backyard for only 30 minutes, and this white boy got burnt!  I can't believe how white I am, and that my brief encounter with the sun left me red after only 30 minutes!  And I was also tired.  Even though I got up to feed my dog at 6am, I went back to sleep and never got up until 9am.  The whole day was me feeling like I was moving in slow motion and even thought about taking an extra day off to recharge my batteries.  It was obvious that having 3 days off only accomplished the fact of pointing out my body and mind is indeed that damn tired.

Then other things entered my mind again.  The things I wish to avoid, but can't.  Perhaps it was all the questions from the day before, or because the neighborhood was too quiet, or the fact I noticed that I didn't spend anytime with either side of my family....Anyway, the feelings of anger and resentment started to re-surface (and I have been reassured by many that this will happen over and over for some time).  I know I won't have any closure until all is said and done some time down the road, but at times my mind just churns over and over like a storm still wondering what God has in store for all of us, and what the plan was from day one some 9 years ago.

I realized I have yet to forgive myself and even though I thought I did, apparently I haven't.  I'm trying to rationalize and come to terms as to why I feel so strongly about marriage vows and somehow I should seen this years ago more crystal clear and have prepared for it.  It's not like people didn't warn me.  There are days now that I think I am more "in love" with my vows and the institution of marriage than I was with my own wife, or even myself.  I wanted it to work so damn badly...I did not want to fail. Not fail myself, not fail in front of my friends, not fail my family (or hers), not fail in front of God.  And yet, somehow fail it did.

Legal Eagle

Yay!  Just in time for the three day Memorial Day holiday, my lawyer finally said he received a response in the mail today from my wife's lawyer. *Sigh*

I know this really isn't a surprise to me because she told me she had met with an attorney last week....It's just that I saw the 3 page legal .PDF that my attorney sent to me today for the first time.  Something I could print out and hold in my hands.

It's pretty straight forward as far as legal documents go and what I should have expected.  Revert her name back to her maiden name (fine).  Dissolution due to irreconcilable differences (fine).  Division of common assets (fine).  As a matter of fact she can have most of her crap anyways...I'll be happy to pack it up for her.  Request for spousal support.......(Dammit....not fine!).

Amazing, but probably suggested by default by her attorney.  So I may be in for a small fight on this one. 

So let me get this straight.  When I was out of work a few years ago, I looked every day for a new job and even took a pay cut and worked as a temp contractor to make sure the bills were paid and we were both taken care of.  She lost her job 13 months ago, and has done very little to rectify that.  She hasn't gone back to school, read any books, took any courses at the local community college.  She turned down jobs that were 'beneath' her, and spent her government money on alcohol and bowling.  We even went without insurance until I could sign up for mine in January.

I am covering one of her credit cards, paid ALL the taxes, paying for her health insurance, her auto club card, making sacrifices left and right and in the middle....while she continues to 'F' around, drive all over, attend parties, continue to bowl, check into casino's, go to concerts....and she wants me to give her spousal support?

The key is to get this down to as little as possible.  It kills me that she up and left (you've heard it all before) and she wants me to pay her.  Why does the responsible one, the one that offered treatment, the one that suffered countless days, weeks, months on whether she'd get home in one piece or not, the one that cried and went to Alanon meetings, that prayed his arse off, that has his head screwed on straight  finanically, who begged for marital counseling, who already gave up so much for so little in return, who forgave and forgave and forgave and was treated like crap expected to pay?  Why does the fuck-up get to continue to party and fuck around and I don't?  This system is so ass backwards.

Well, even if I have to pay alimony, it's only for 4 years (1/2 the time of the marriage) max.

I'm going to try my hardest not to let this ruin my weekend.  I have a BBQ to go to on Sunday, but I don't think I'm going to Celebrate tonight.  My friend invited me, but I think tonight after work I'm going to get my haircut, maybe go to the grocery store, order a pizza, and stay in and play a video game on my Xbox.  No reason to drink alone.  No reason to spend money I don't have.  No reason to do something stupid.

All I can do is continue to pray for her.  That even though she's insane and making sure she gives me a hard time, I can't let her gain power over me anylonger and dominate my weekend and my life.

Crazy is as Crazy does.

What a night.

At approx. 8:10pm my cell phone rang.  It was my wife.

I made the mistake of answering, thinking she may want to have a civil conversation with me.  It took all of 15 seconds for her to ask "Who was the strange woman going into 'OUR' house on Sunday morning at 7am?"

It took me a second to think back, because it was now Wed. evening, and I was caught of guard by the question, and what even prompted it.

"It was Darla (not her real name), my grammar school friend who has been over to 'My' house numerous times.  You've met her before AND her fiance.  You know...the guy you actually used to see in your Monday night bowling league. 

And besides, it wasn't 7am, it was after 8am, and we had a cup of coffee at Starbucks before she went to church.  She came over to drop something off.  So glad to know that the neighbors....who again, don't want to be in the middle of this, let you know within minutes that a mutual friend of 'ours' came over."

She responded, "Well, how do you think that looks to me?  Doesn't that seem a bit odd she's over so early?"

"Makes you look paranoid.  Besides, I invited her over and what do you care who is over and when since you don't live here?"

I didn't like what she was insinuating and told her "Fine...Think whatever you want too, and tell whatever neighbor who felt the need to call you, "Good job, they ratted out our own mutual friend.  You can call Darla yourself."

She started to raise her voice at me, and begin to press the point.  I cut her off mid-sentence "Uh...yeah.  I'm about to watch the season finale of Modern Family.  I'm going to hang up now."  And she started with her accusations again...so I hung up.  Yup, I just hung up.

She called the house phone again 3x times in rapid succession.  Each time, I picked up the phone, and hung it right back up.  At the 4th time she called, I allowed it to go to the answering machine, in which I heard her call me 'childish' and then actually threatened me something to the effect of "It would behoove you to pick up the phone and speak to me if you know what's good for you.  It's not a good idea for you to hang up on me."

Whatever.  I then pulled the cord out of the wall for the rest of the night.

Then my cell phone rang, and rang, and rang.  I never picked those up either.

Then the ALL CAPS TEXT MESSAGES STARTED, until I turned off my cell phone.

Screw you...You call me up and want to pick a fight and insinuate that I'm now having an affair with my engaged childhood friend because some nosey-Nelly on the street saw her for all of 10 minutes before she went to church? 

You called 4 times on the house phone, 3 times on my cell phone, and then start texting me...all within 10 minutes, throwing out nonsense and idle-threats and I'm the one being childish???  You're nuts and clearly more troubled than I originally thought.

No, it pisses you off now that you no longer have ANY POWER over me, and I CHOOSE not to be your door mat anymore.  That I can now have the balls to just end a conversation with you because it's unproductive, stupid, silly, and you only want to bait me into saying something that I will regret and you can hold over my head.

Nope. 

Done.

I actually went to bed last night and fell asleep.  This time, I realized that her words are no longer keeping me up at night.  That I'm not worried about what she thinks or says (at least last night I didn't).  I can't deal with irrational people.

I have a suspicision she'll be making a drive down to the house this fine Memorial Day weekend.

Hump Day 5.23.12

Not much to report today.

Still haven't heard from either my wife or my lawyer, although another CC collector called last night and I was happy to give them my wife's cell phone number and tell them "good luck", and "she doesn't live here anymore so you can stop calling here."  I rounded off the night watching season finale of 'Glee' and a some shows I had taped on my DVR.

My father came over this morning just as I was leaving to take my pup for a walk and stay with him as he got his first mobile grooming in about 6 weeks.  He really needed it.  My father called me when he was all done and says my little guy looks great.  I'm happy to know he wasn't alone all day again and had a good few hours with his 'grampie'.

I'm a few days behind in my daily devotionals.  Still need to read at least two a day for the next few days to catch up.

Started cleaning my backyard up yesterday.  I'll be hosting my first BBQ for my friends since everything went down this Sunday.  So I started to pull a few weeds, sweep up a bit, clean, but I'll do more of it on Saturday.  Noticed a few of my seat cushions need to be replaced.  The elements have not been kind to a few chairs I got, but they were cheap one's I bought at Bed Bath & Beyond about 3 years ago.  The cushions disintegrated. It'll be nice to have my friends over at my house and not have to worry about going to work the next day.  Won't be big, maybe a total of 10 people.  I may relax enough to even sip on a good whisky....something I haven't done in weeks!

I also said I was invited to a BBQ this weekend as well, so I'll be doing that too.  Probably get a haircut on Saturday and plan on still hitting the gym.

I mentioned I joined a few new social clubs that are supposedly in my area, but after looking at their respective upcoming events...they all seem to be an hour away, or at inconvenient times.  To be honest, I also looked at the local mega-church's "singles" program...but they have a caveat...you need to be officially divorced before you can join.  Poop.  And my church doesn't really have a singles group, especially for my age group.  Too soon?

Other than that, work is work, and I get paid tomorrow which will be a relief.  I am also supposed to get a small surprise bonus as well...I don't know how much, but anything at this point is good after this past month.

That's it for now.

1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Back.

So I was in utter surprise last Friday when I drove around the corner to my house after a long day at work and then working out at the gym, to see my wife's car parked down the street at the neighbors house.

Well, so much for the neighbors keeping their eyes open and giving me a heads up.  It appears to have done me no good to give many of them my business card with my cellphone number and request they contact me if she were to show up.  Nobody did, and the bummer is when I finally asked one of my neighbors how long she was down, "Oh, a few hours."  A few hours?  Hey, thanks again!

My wife wanted her mail.  The uncollected mail from 2 months.  But why now?  She had 8 weeks to get a change of address form from the Post Office, or to contact each one of these various entities separately and have her mail redirected.  Why the sudden push?

Somethings up.

Oh, and she pulled out $10K from her IRA account a week back.  Oh no....she didn't. 

She did.

Arrrgghhh.

Of all the times in 8+ years of marriage where her irresponsibility reigned supreme, where her non-chalant laise-faire attitude and inaction have caused many a check to bounce, late fees to accrue, numerous coverage lapses occur....of course now she decides to hire her own lawyer in response to me serving papers last month.  With only 2 business days to spare out of the timed 30, she gets her arse in gear and now shows up to the ball game.  Are you kidding me?

With some anger/resentment/frustration...and fear, I took all the boxes I had packed up for her previously and placed them back on the porch.  I then left the house and went to Celebrate Recovery.  I'll be damned if she corners me on a Friday night.

And of course she calls me at 7:30 and demands I put her stuff back in the house.  I tell her to take it.  If she can grab the mail, then she can grab her boxes.

She says she doesn't have any room.

I tell her that I saw her car and it is empty, and she does have room, and she can take her stuff.

She pleads with me that she has nowhere to put it right now, that she needs to make arrangements.  I'm mad, because as usual, she does nothing...but being the nice guy I am (or a fool) I tell her that when I get back home I will put it in the garage (I will actually wait until Saturday morning to do so) as I'm trying not to let her get to me and enjoy my time at Celebrate.

At Celebrate, during our "open share" time, I feel empowered.  I speak my fully allotted 5 minutes, and go slightly over.  This time I did not cry, I did not shrink, I did not falter.  I came home, took a shower and went to bed....and noted that the neighbor who doesn't want to be involved allowed my wife to sleep over at her house. 

On Saturday my wife texts me that she wants to go out with me that night, and actually used the term 'date'.  I said, "No...I have plans this evening, but I have some more mail for you that came today."  She then asked me to meet her at 1pm, and I agreed, but I made it clear, I'm out at 3:30pm...and I was.

I met her, at a bar (no joke) she suggested, but noted that she was only drinking sparkling water.  For show?  Most likely.  I also noted she looked a little worn, and dare I say, put on a few extra pounds as well.  Where I have been losing weight and sleep over all this, she dragged on her cigarettes (one after another...a nasty habit I always hated) and looked...heavier.

She asked me if I still wanted a divorce....I responded by saying that I wasn't going to wait around forever, that her behavior was unacceptable, that she shows no effort, that bills are unpaid.  What choice do I have?  She said she didn't want a divorce, wanted to know if we could start over...to sweep the past 8 years under the rug and never bring it up again. 

Uh..no....things don't magically disappear because one person decides she can snap her fingers and 'pretend' it didn't happen.  I told her "actions speak louder than words" (a mantra of her own she uses over and over again).  I told her she needs to repair her relationship with her family, her daughter, my parents, and show me that she's in some type of program.  That I am not agreeing to anything just so 3, 6, 9 months down the road she wants another 'break', or dredges up the past.  Nope.  Not happening.  I'm not blinking first this time.  I noticed she never said she loved me, never said she was going to give me money, never apologized for her actions.  All I heard was excuses, and manipulation to buy herself more time.

I told her she only puts herself first...never goes to church with me, comes and goes as she pleases, talks disrespectful to my family and hers, treats her daughter as a second class citizen, and I'm not standing for it anymore. 

I didn't cry.  I didn't budge.  But she eventually cried.

I told her that I am in therapy with my own shrink.  That I read books and listen to audio programs.  That I pray daily.  That I go to a men's support group on Saturday mornings, been to Alanon, and just got by 30 day chip from Celebrate. 

She couldn't even tell me the name of her therapist, which makes me believe that there isn't any.

She asked where do we go from here?  I said the ball is in her court, and that I needed to leave....which I did.  She hugged me and didn't let go.  I only half-hearted returned her embrace.  I was starting to feel uncomfortable, and needed to leave strong, and show her she has no power over me anymore.  Truth be told, if I stayed too much longer, I may have started to crack.

Me on the right.

I went to a BBQ that evening, and had a blast (a rare picture of me).  It was only when I was driving home that she texted me and thanked me for meeting her, and that she said I looked really good.  I only replied "Thanks and you're welcome.  I will be driving home soon."  She replied one last time "Drive safe."  That was Saturday night at 11pm.

Today is Tuesday, 1pm, and I haven't heard from her since.  Or from my lawyer, but I suspect any day now I will.

Sunday I went to another BBQ at yet a different friends house, and I got invited to yet another one this upcoming Sunday.

My divorced friend started her new job yesterday.  She still found the time to write me a letter at lunch, and again last night.  I told her that my wife responded to my papers.  She said she thought she would...because my wife still has no job and wants a piece of my paycheck.  That she's becoming aware that I was her security, and now she doesn't have any, so of course she wants my alimony check.  She went on to describe the financial heartbreak she went through with her ex-husband.  How he made promises he never kept and forced her to use her 401K money, pay penalties, etc to keep their head above water, and once they divorced, he never replaced any funds and only gave her a mere pittance to survive until she got this new job and basically starting over at 42 herself.

I was 'okay' the last few days, until this morning when I checked my online banking statement.  In all my life, I never had an issue with money.  I have always been financially responsible.  But it's a good thing I get paid this Thursday.  My account is pretty bleak.  This past month I wrote some very hefty checks, and doubled up on utilities my wife never paid to boot.  She basically drained me this last month, by doing nothing.  I didn't give her a penny, but I had to cover so many things.

Last nights dinner was Cheerios.  Today's lunch was a $2 frozen meal (no breakfast).  Tonight I'm thinking a can of soup.  And people wonder why I'm losing weight?  Well, it's pretty hard to keep full when you have no money because lawyers, tax collectors, utilities, and the government takes it all within 4 weeks of each other.

(Today's post felt like a rant...but it also felt good).

Headache

I awoke to a minor headache this morning.  I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I accidentally found out that my wife made the four hour plus trek down on Wed. night under the radar and stayed with a friend in a neighboring city so she could attend a night on the town.

Not sure if it was a party, or a birthday dinner, or girls night out, or whatever.  I suppose it really doesn't matter.  The fact is she came down and for someone who claims to "Miss me" and "doesn't want a divorce" once again proved to me (this should be ingrained in my head by now, but somehow isn't) where her priorities are.

It's clearly not reconcilation.  Not with me.  Not her sister.  Not her mother.  Not her daughter.

I spoke with them last night.  None of them knew she was down here.  As a matter a fact my daughter told me that her mother and her had a falling out earlier in the week and now they aren't talking to each other.

So the pattern of destruction continues.

Do you know how many times over the course of my marriage I heard her say "Actions speak louder than words."?

Well her actions/inactions (I've used this analogy before) scream to me, but I'm sure sound like muffled giggles to her friends who continue to embrace and coddle her.  "Oh, you're misunderstood." "Your whole family turned their backs on you.  Here have a drink."

I need to write these people off myself.  Why I haven't yet, I don't know.  It's probably because I can secretly keep tabs on my wife whereabouts like what happened yesterday."

No wonder she is demanding her mail be delivered to the neighbor and pressed me on it this week.  She knew she was going to be here. 

So once again this morning, I took all her boxes and put them on the porch....just in case she drives by the house today, she will know that I know she's in town.  I also did not deliver the mail to the neighbor, nor am I.  If she can drive all the way to the area and spend the night at her girlfriends, then she can be a "big girl" and come to the house and grab her crap without involving anyone else.

I am nervous though that the money she pulled out last week from her IRA, and the fact she is down here may mean she is trying to find a lawyer at the 11th hour.  She has today and Monday to respond to my papers, so of course I have paranoia and these are going to be the longest two days.

I awoke once at 2:30 this morning, and although I did eventually fall back asleep it was restless and light.  I never got a good night rest after that.  Spoke with my father this morning.  He is going to walk my dog and spend a little extra time at my house today just in case.

I have a personal therapy session today at 4pm.  I need it today.  I know people are praying for me, and that I have support from various people, but I still feel like I am doing this on my own.  This week I have felt very alone.  I feel like I am in this battle I don't want to be in and there are a lot of spectators cheering me on from the nose bleed section of seats, unable to physically reach out and hand me the proper tools or stand next to me.  I get a few "Atta-boys", but words and hand claps don't really have a tangible affect with me.

Took an aspirin about 1/2 hour ago.  Even had a bowl of oatmeal and two cups of coffee, but I still have a headache.

A New Dawn

Hopefully yesterday was just a fluke.

Lord, I hope so.

Afterwork I met my mother for dinner near where I live and she knew I was slightly upset.  While we sat with our meal, I explained everything that happened the evening before: The texts, the messages, the nightmare, the news about my divorced friend. All of it.

She didn't really have anything new to say other than she had recently spoken to both my grandfather and my aunt, and supposedly both of them think I am much better off.  They secretly had reservations about my wife for a long time.  I can't help but sarcastically chuckle inside: "Am I the only person that didn't notice things were wrong?"

During our dinner, I received one text from my wife (the only one I received all evening) requesting that at the very least I find her cosmotology license renewal and bring it to the neighbor by today.  The fact is, I don't have it.  I checked all the mail.  It isn't there.  I double checked.  It isn't there.  She will have to contact them herself and request a follow up and say it got lost in the mail or something, but I'm sure she'll blame me later today when I have to write her I don't have it.

Before I had dinner with my mother, I spoke with my lawyer for the first time since my wife was served, almost 30 days ago.  We had at most a 10 minute call and got straight down to business, as I wrote my questions out ahead of time so that I would remember them and not get off topic:

1. As far as my lawyer knows, as of yesterday afternoon, my wife has not hired her own attorney nor contacted him.  I assume because she can't afford one, but she did deplete her IRA account last week of another $10K (and a hefty penalty for withdrawl), leaving approx $25K left to her name.  This is good news for me on the surface, but anything could happen over the course of the next 3 bsuiness days.
2. I am under no obligation to deliver her mail to anyone.  My lawyer even suggested I don't, especially to the neighbor who in the past has been verbally hostile.  My lawyer agreed with me that she has had every opportunity to contact the USPS and request a change of address form, or contact her debtors individually to make address changes.  Because she chose to leave on her own accord, she is responsible for her own transactions, not me.  It's not that I want to be an ass, I really don't.  It's also not hard for me to walk to the neighbors and hand over her mail.  But the fact is: A) I don't want to, B) I am not required to, C) And why am I helping her out again when she isn't helping me?
3. Because we are still technically married, I have every right to open any financial mail of hers, including invoices, bank statements, and the like.  Personal letters, no.  But anything else, even if it is in her name is fair game, and my lawyer suggested I make photocopies of everything: every bill she is delinquent on, every fine she accrues, every amount she withdrawls from the bank.  I suppose this is so that just in case, we can show the judge I am not responsible for any of this, that her continued irresponsibility is to blame.
4. If she continues to send me hostile emails, texts, or voice messages...ignore them all.  Do not respond, but if they get out of hand or escalate to direct her to speak to him.

I felt much better after talking to him.  It takes some pressure of my mind in knowing that I am still doing things legally within my rights as she continues to screw the pooch.  He also indicated that my impending divorce may move on teh fast track and be over sooner rather than later.

Onto other things:

I still feel lonely, but I did sleep fine last night.  As a matter of fact I went to bed at 9:30 last night, and probably fell asleep by 9:45.  I did have one dream early this morning that I remember though: It was my neighbors telling me they saw my wife's car down the street again letting me know she's in town....then I woke up.

I have a BBQ to go to both on Saturday and again on Sunday with different friends, and I am meeting a friend early Sunday morning before church for coffee.  It'll fun, but the fact I am going solo isn't lost on me.

Finally my divorced friend texted me again last night around 8pm to see how I was holding up.  She said her ex-husband has calmed down a bit and may even feel bad about his over-reaction the night before, but she didn't indicate if he's going to allow her stay one extra month or not now.

I told her I was praying for her, for him, for me, for my wife...and I am.  She said thank you and said she was praying for me as well.

Then she sent me a text calling me "Sweetie", then a follow up correcting herself and used my given name.  I told her don't be embarrased, it's fine, and that is one of the reasons she makes me feel alive and special.  Her last text to me was: "You are alive, and you are special!"

It made me feel really good,...and confused.  Does she want to persue something with me someday or not?  But I had to remind myself that we are both emotionally volatile right now, and nothing...nothing can even begin to happen or develop until January.  And what if I meet someone else between now and then without all these complications.  Ugh...timing.

A Bridge to Nowhere

It's been a rough day.

Hence my double post today.  I've read my devotionals, said my prayers, understand logically in my head that nothing that occured last night is my fault nor do I have control over the things I cannot control (a lesson from both Al-Anon & Celebrate).

But that hasn't stopped the hurt.

Or the anger and frustration.  I am so G.D. sensitive it makes me sick.

It's been a while since I took a Xanax, and I feel the need to have two today.  I also sat at work today thinking how nice it would be to have some whisky on the rocks.  I'm secretly thankful I don't actually have any at home, lest this could have possibly been an ugly night.  I'm still contemplating stopping by the store on the way home, but probably won't. 

I feel like I took a giant step back today in the battle of codependancy.  I found myself fighting back tears multiple times throughout the day.  Then I found myself getting mad.  And finally I started feeling sorry for myself, and once again lonely.

Yeah, I know it's only been two months since she walked out, and in the big scheme of things two months may not seem that long, but it does to me.

My divorced friend called me this afternoon and I was able to sneak away for a while and just listen as she explained in more detail what went down last night.  While her ex-husband still insists she moves out in 3-4 weeks from now, I don't feel as bad as she said it was inevitable anyways, and he shortened their original agreement by about a month.  If I am to understand correctly, he had originally said she could stay through the end of July, but as of yesterday has now moved it up until towards the end of June, putting a crimp in her money savings.  But she is still determined to move backcome hell or high water after the first of the year. 

I only feel mildly better.  But she still thanks me for my support and said our friendship hasn't wavered, but until she actually moves out and gets her own independance she has to play things close to her vest.  I understand that.  At least her divorce is final, whereas mine hasn't even started yet (fingers crossed) until the timer starts next Monday.

We spoke for about an hour on the phone.  She made a comment today to me however, that has me scratching my head, but I didn't want to press any further.  Too much happened yesterday to even want to try and pry and glean any hidden message diguised between the lines.  It's way too soon and too premature.  She mentioned that our timing is off...and I agree.  She says she has to gain her independance, get established, and didn't want me to be distracted by her issues as I have issues of my own.  Basically she danced all around without saying it exactly, and being uber-cautious, that if and when she moves out, AND when my divorce is final the future is open to any possibility.

Upon reflection I know she is just protecting herself (and me) and I respect that, which makes me like her even more.  Not good for a codependant like myself, but at least I recognize it this time around.

While the base nature of myself would like to consider that there is a minute possibility, there are so many hurdles and obstacles in our respective paths right now, even considering time as factor, it just doesn't seem feasible.  Not now.  Not ever.  And I garner to think the same thoughts crossed her mind as well.  We are the quinessentail victims of circumstances, time, and distance.  

That's where the title of this post comes in.  I feel like there is a bridge between our two worlds right now, but neither one of us has the means to cross it right now. It's like we can see each other on either end, but the best we can do is wave at each other.  F'n sucks ass.

Sad.

My wife hasn't tried to contact me at all today.  It usually drives her up the wall like it did last night when she gets no response from me, so I'm surprised that she hasn't even attempted today, unless the assault will start again sometime tonight.

I really don't want to be at work today.  Just like I didn't want to work yesterday, nor am I in the mood to tomorrow either, but I must plug on.  I need to really sit down this weekend and get involved in some social clubs or take a harder look at the MeetUp groups I joined and take a chance.  Make new friends, meet more people.

As much as I like my church support, they are a bit vanilla and male dominated for my overall liking.  It's been 3 months since I've been intimate.  Maybe that's why I was so depressed and feeling so lonely this morning.  Maybe that's why I am over-thinking and picking apart what my divorced friend has to say.  I don't want to be like some of my piggish friends.  It's disgusting and not me, and not a substitute for a meaningful relationship.....but my flesh has its desires and I can only take so many cold showers or think about baseball so many times.

When it rains.....

Amazing on how life can throw unexpected curveballs that can have you on cloud 9 one minute, and then grasping for a grip on sanity the very next day.

The Enemy, or his minions, know just when to pounce making sure that our highs and basking in God's favor don't last as long as we allow for a crack in our armor.

So has been the last 12 hours.

As I wrote Monday, I had an exceptional weekend.  One of the best I've had in a long, long time.  Realizing for the first time in months what it feels like to be alive and on the road to recovery and happiness again.  But of course the Enemy can't stand it....and my shame is that I allow him to strip it away just when I think I'm gaining any amount of strength at all.

It started last night at 8pm.  Out of the blue, my wife texted me that she wanted me to gather all her mail and bring it to the neighbors house.  The neighbor who wants nothing to do with me, who can't look at me, who told me she doesn't want to be involved in our marital affairs, yet my wife wants me to bring her mail to her.

My wife has had 2 months to file a change of address request with the USPS.  She has had 2 months to contact all her CC companies and everyone else via her computer, or phone, or whatever nad make these changes.  In the few times she's even been on our street, and I left her mail out with her clothes in boxes she decided not to pick any of it up...and now, she wants it.

It wasn't more than within 5 minutes of her first text, she sent me another text wondering why I hadn't responded yet.  Yes, 5 minutes as if she expects me to drop everything and say "How high" when she says jump.  This is the same woman who beats me over the head about patience, or repsonds to me at her own leisurely pace, now wants me to respond immediately. 

I told her numerous times before, I don't do 'texts' with her.  If she wants to say something to me, she can put her big girl dress on and call me.

Well, 10 minutes after that, while I was in the shower she called the house phone and left a message.  This time her tone had changed and was a little bit more agressive.  I suppose since I didn't answer the phone immediately, she called and left an increasingly hostile message on my cell phone, followed by an even more upsetting text within minutes of that stating that I was not showing her common courtesy.

"Courtesy" was the word she used.

Funny how this is so one-sided.  Where was her courtesy when she up and left with no 'real' explanation?  Where was her courtesy when she left me to pay 'her' bills?  Where was her courtesy when she 'promised' 4x now that she would deposit money for her share of the Federal taxes?  Where was her courtesy when she swore at my mother and hers? 

And my courtesy is in question because I didn't repsond to her 2 phone calls and 3 texts within an hour?

Anyway, it irritated me.  No, it made me mad.  She has the uncanny ability to push my buttons and get under my skin and the most random of moments.  It worked me up enough before I went to bed that sleeping was now going to be difficult....and it was.

Wanting to cheer myself up in my lonely house, I decided to give my divorced friend a call just to say "Hi" and hear a friendly voice.  I didn't know she had stepped out of the room and left her phone with her ex-husband on the couch next to him. (Yes, even though they are divorced she still lives with him in a seperate bedroom until she starts working again, and can save money to move out. Her plan was to save up enough by the Holidays so she can move in January).

Well, as luck would have it, her ex saw my name pop up on her phone.  And although I only left a 10 second voice mail message, she later wrote to me that night that he accused her of starting a relationship.  First and foremost, we are just friends at this time.  We both understand each others situation and said we may explore things down the road, but that my divorce needs to be finalized and she needs to get back on her feet.  I absolutely agree.  My call had every intention of being innocent.  I decided not to repsond, go to bed, and lay low for a while.

Fast forward to 2:30am where I awoke via another nightmare.  This one did in fact have demonic overtones to it and I stayed up until 4:30 this morning praying on all subjects....primarily for my peace, my wife, my friend an her situation at home, and not to get ahead of myself.

I awoke at 6am this morning to find yet another email from my friend stating that her ex-husband has requested that she move out of the house in 3 weeks from now, if not sooner.  She of course is devestated, and while she says I am not to blame and it's not my fault, I couldn't help but break down in tears this morning wondering if this was my fault.  It was not my intention and even though their divorce has been final for months, I imagine he has some jealous tendancies and wishes to punish her.  She went on to say (even though this is very premature) that she dreams of moving back by January.  Now things have suddenly flipped on a dime and she will contact me in the future.

Are you f'n kidding me?

I awoke to tears, feeling sorry for myself anyway on a lack of sleep and demonic dreams.  I am so lonely in my house and in the span of 9 hours my wife went Rambo on me, and now my friends ex is kicking her out because my name came up on her cell.  She says she never leaves her phone alone, expect this one time last night. Horrible, horrible timing and while it is just random fate, the guilt I have imposed on myself had me running to take my first Xanax in about a month.

Finally, my nephew wrote me a letter this morning.  This is my SIL's oldest boy.  He has never written me before.  His email simply stated "Dear Uncle..I'm very sorry for what's going on in your life right now.  I just want you to know that whatever happens, you're still my Uncle."

I F'N lost it.

I have known this young man for 10 years, and today he writes me his first 2 sentences, and I just lost it.  It was so sweet, and so honest, and so pure.

God....what the heck is your plan for me?  Why God?  Why?

30 Day Chip

Friday night I went to Celebrate Recovery, and I'm glad I did.

I knew I had a big day ahead of me on Saturday, so it was kinda of a blessing that I didn't have many options open for Friday night.  Although it was nice to have one of the neighbors come down and invite me to go night fishing at the lake in town.  If I didn't already have plans to go to Celebrate, I would have joined him just to get out.

Instead I went to Celebrate and got my 30 Day co-dependancy chip.  It's actually more than 30 days, but I skipped last week because of my hike.  Anyway, the chip signals that I've taken the steps to live a life 'free' from co-dependancy.

Am I completely free?  No.  But I do know I make improvements everyday and my life isn't as dark as it was two months ago.

It is ironic though that when I got home that evening and got ready for bed, my wife texted me: "I miss you!!"

Are you proud of me that I looked at it...digested it for what it was...and didn't respond?  Today is Monday, and I still haven't responded.  To me, actions speak louder than words and when I had to send an electronic check yesterday for the 2nd installment of my property taxes (after cashing in vacation days), it just became clear that my wife's words are hollow.  She said she missed me just one day after crucifying her childhood friend and accusing her of wanting me.  Nope...not gonna play that.

Even though I kinda wanted to respond, I just chose not to.  Any response to my wife would have given her the satisifaction that she is still 'affecting' me, and even though she may be, she doesn't need to know that or gain any power over me,  Instead, I packed yet another box of her 'stuff' and put it in the spare bedroom, counting the days down (8 left days today) that she doesn't respond to my papers.

I spent Mothers Day with my mother yesterday.  It was quiet for the most part.  Just her, my father, and me.  The first time in 8 or 9 years we didn't go over to my SIL's house...and while I miss them and would have liked to have spent some time with them, I was happy not to sit in traffic for the first time in years...as were my own parents.

I did however send my MIL a card, and left her a voice message yesterday, in which she wrote me a gracious email back last night thanking me and continuing her support.

My wife stayed put, in her new base of operations, spending the day with her roommate.  It didn't go un-noticed that she did not drive down to be with her daughter who had the day off.  But perhaps, just perhaps, my wife's finances are catching up to her and she's realizing that she is indeed running out of funds and needs to save as much as she can now realizing that the government may not be sending her anymore checks.

In other news, I spent a wonderful day on Saturday with my friend who flew out for a wedding.  We spent the whole day together and came to discover that we have much more in common than we ever thought.  It was nice that a few other school friends of ours were able to meet us for a mid-afternoon relaxation and social gathering with live music at a place on the beach.  Long story short, we were both shocked that the day went by so fast, and it was 9:30pm before we knew it.  I dropped my friend off at the place she was staying and came home and went back to bed....exhausted.

She starts work next week and plans on saving up enough to move back to the area at the end of the year.  I think the weekend really soldified it for her....not just because of me (I don't expect that), but you could tell she really missed her hometown, and was so happy (and felt welcome) when our other childhood friends showed up.  At one point she got very emotional (something I really liked to see...someone vulnerable and with feelings for a change) about the day.  It really touched me and I knew that these are the type of genuine emotions I want to see in someone...that she appreciates friends, and family, and warmth, and all the psoitive stuff, and isn't afraid to show it.  That is as opposed to someone who has walled themselves off for years, never allowing anyone to see any cracks and doesn't really radiate warmth anylonger. (Sorry...that's kinda rude and demeaning...but it's also the facts).

So I'm starting off this week in a postive direction for the first time in a long while.  So much so, I just realized I even forgot to take my medication this morning...and I feel fine!

Saddened by the right decision.

I wish this entry was more upbeat.  It isn't lost on me that the last few days I've sounded more like a whiny 5 year old in some of my long winded rants, and yesterday I even had a thought in the afternoon that I would try and concentrate on more positive aspects of my life, and not always be so dour.

That changed this morning after a series of text events from my wife that has left one of her best friends shattered.

I went to bed early last night, well early for me...9:45pm.  I didn't even hear the text messages coming into my phone after 10pm, but I awoke to 4 messages waiting for me from one of my wife's best friends.  The texts went on to say that my wife unleashed her fury on her friend in a not-so-nice email last night, only after her friend tried to wish her a Happy Birthday the day before and never received a response.

After being concerned that she hadn't heard from my wife in 24 hours, she was shocked to find a scathing letter directed to her the following evening accusing her 'former' friend of not only wanting me, but also causing me to file for divorce.

*Sigh*

My wife is mentally ill, and not in the same way when I was suffering from depression. No, my wife is conjuring up an alternate reality for herself where events are fictionalized and desperate to share either these fantasies to whomever will listen, or lash out at those remaining close to her.

This friend has been a childhood friend of my wife's and is in a current, loving, and happy relationship with a man now for over a year.  And yet somehow, my wife has come to the conclusion that the friend wants me.  I've heard similar rants before.  My wife once accused a female friend of mine who lives hours away that she was in love with me as well.  And at a party we threw last year, my wife went on to publicly announce to anyone in earshot that I once had a relationship with another woman (who was/is engaged at the time) at the party when I was in Jr. Highschool (not true)...my mom only brought me and this other girl to the Jr. High dance because the other mothers girl had to work.  We are still friends to this day, and my wife was totally fine when I asked if we could invite them over....but then again, when alcohol is involved, the Mr. Hyde of my wife's personality comes out.

In my wife's email rant to her friend, she went on to detail that she is mad at her sister and her mom, and wished her mom never birthed her...that she wanted/wants a different mom.  It is heartbreaking for me to hear this.  Not only because my wife is mentally not herself, but doesn't even realize how many times her mom has bailed her out and helped her over the years.  Her parents bought her a car, paid for its insurance, lent her money time after time after time and never demanded to be paid back.  Her mom has taken in her 20 year old grandaughter because my wife is unfit.

In the end my wife told her friend that when the divorce is over in 6-7 months, that the friend can have me.  To add insult to injury, she also "defriended" her on Facebook.  Her friend is in shock, speechless, and hurt.  I can identify.  But now my wife is throwing away a 30 year friendship based on....nothing. 

It is so sad.

And yet, all I can do is pray for my wife and see that God envelops her in His love and brings her back into His fold, and her sanity.  It's also tidbits of things like this that while it saddens me deeply to see that as her own downward spiral continues to plummet, that I made the right decision to step away and move on.

You cannot serve two masters.  If I am truly your Master, you will desire to please Me above all others.  If pleasing people is your goal, you will be enslaved to them.  People can be harsh taskmasters when you give them this power over you. (May 3rd devotional, -Jesus Calling by Sarah Young)

I'm a few days behind in my daily devotionals, reading two a day until I catch up, but I had to share this one today because it really seemed to hit home for me.

The last two sentences describe me to a 'T', and a habit I am trying to break. 

Part of being co-dependant is wanting to please people by any and all means, and often the co dependant is not even aware of this because this activity becomes the norm.  I did as much as I could within reason to please my wife, and my enslavement was thus making me secretly miserable as I wrote check after check to cover her, and then looked the other way when behavior was not appropriate so I could avoid an argument or making her somehow displeased with me.

I wanted her love, and I wanted the text book marriage.  It's becoming apparent to me she did not.  She wanted to be married on paper and security and occasional fun, but she wanted it by her rules, not "ours" or God's or the textbook.  She wanted to come and go as she pleased, spend what she wanted, drink when she wanted, and maintain her social butterfly status...moving from one fun event to another.

I allowed her to carry on this way for so long that after a certain point in time, it would seem out of place for me to even question things any longer.  I submitted.  I became enslaved.  I gave her all the power, or somewhere forgot that I could yield my own.  I slogged away at work, day-in/day-out, made sacrifice after sacrifice after sacrifice and somehow it still was never enough to make her happy.

Her happiness was gauged on how much she could do, how much she could get away with, and how much she could control me.  Her control came in the form of with holding information, withholding intimacy, withholding recognition for deeds well done, withholding respect, putting me down in front of others, telling neighbors our secrets (one-sided of course).

Tomorrow I should get my 30 day chip at Celebrate Recovery for working on my codependency and 11 days (the magic day is the May 21st), until I "win" if my wife doesn't respond.

Of Mother's Day and Birthdays

Today is my wife's 42nd birthday.

It has been 9 days since I last had any contact with her whatsoever.  I have not tried to contact her, nor has she tried to contact me.  Yesterday she received a letter in the mail indicating that her car insurance is now cancelled due to non-payment.  Also another CC bill in her name came that I opened to discover that has not been paid either, for at least two months.

A mutual friend tried to contact her yesterday via text message to ask if she found a job yet or if she plans on coming down for mother's day to spend with her daughter.  My wife has yet to reply, so I will take that as 'No' on both accounts.  I spoke with my daughter yesterday and she plans on spending Mothers Day with her biological father and his new girlfriend.  Good for her.

Yesterday, my SIL invited me (and my parents) over to their house for Mothers Day to spend the day with the family, although my mom is a bit reluctant.  In fact, my own mother said she needed some 'sapce' right now from everyone and would feel awkward if they attended while my wife wasn't there.  I understand her feelings, although I don't share them.  Instead my mom wants to spend it with me, my father, and my dog.  Something local and close where driving is not really involved.  I'm fine with that.  As much as I would like to see my FIL, BIL, MIL, SIL...I also don't want to drive 45 minutes alone each way.

My father also turned 68 on Monday.  So we will be combining his birthday and Mothers day together.

I don't have a lot of money either, which is embarrassing not to be able to buy my parents gifts right now.  For as much as they have been there for me these last few months, I've been struggling a bit financially.  I had to pay the Federal taxes and property taxes by myself.  Then there was the retainer for the lawyer.  Then the double of utilities since my wife wasn't honest about paying those before she left.

I've been eating cans of soup and sandwiches and $2 microwave meals for the past 2 weeks until I can get out of the mud here.  It's put a damper on my social life as well, not that I have much of one anyway, but everything I've done has been freebies with friends or minimal cost, perhaps splurging a few extra dollars on the weekends.  One benefit I suppose is a lack of any alcohol myself.  Really can't justify $4-5 beers anywhere, so that's helped keep my weight down as well. 

So what are my feelings about today?  This is the first time in 10 years that I have not bought my wife a gift, a card, or spent with her.  I haven't even acknowledged it (and I don't count this post as acknowledgement) because of everyone's blunt suggestions.  I have a feeling that since the majority of her friends live her, she may try to come down and convince her local friends to hang out.  That's fine by me.  I more or less have been distancing myself from a few of them anyway, and realize I don't really miss them that much.  Also, again, the more she drives back and forth to here the more money she spends on gas, and now that her toll-road transponder is inactive, she'll be racking up heavy fines.  Since I have yet to hear a response from her or anything from my lawyer, I suspect that she hasn't been able to hire one herself.  She has 13 days left to respond (actually 11 if I throw out Sunday's) before I "win" (whatever that means) by default.

Otherwise I feel 'okay'.  Still on my Lexapro, but after this bottle runs out, I'm not sure if I'll renew the prescription or opt for a lower dosage and wean myself off for a month.  Still have more things of hers to pack, I just haven't really had the time or fortitude to make it a priority, but I do plan on packing another box or two shortly.  I'd like to get rid of some of this stuff, not because it's taking up room, just because I don't want to be reminded day in and day out.  Then I think about meeting new people and having to explain 'items' in the house I really don't want to explain.

Speaking of which, my divorced female friend comes into town today for a wedding she will be attending on Friday.  She will spend part of the day with her mom on Sunday before she flies back and asked to spend the day with me on Saturday.  She wants me drive her about some of our childhood stomping grounds and I agreed.

We haven't spoke on the phone yet, but email each other almost daily and send text messages and pictures of our daily activities to each other.  She's just a good friend.  We are aware and honest with each other about our circumstances, and both adult to know that we have to let our wounds heal.  It's actually good that there is distance between us right now.  I try to block any emotions right now, because I'm very wary of myself and my state of mind and heart.  We agreed we will deal with things in 6 months from now, and a lot can happen in those six months.  She starts a new job next week, and plans on working her arse off throughout the New Year and is eyeing moving back to our hometown in January.  That doesn't mean she will, it may take more time. 

Did I mention she's a Christian?  She has a lot of the same values and morals that I share....although I know I am getting WAY ahead of myself....again, a warning I need to keep myself in check.  But she has really helped me open my eyes the last few weeks, has been very above board, honest, and fair with what she says.

The remainder of this week will be low key (I hope), unless I get a surprise visit tonight or any day this week that I'm not expecting.  Friday night will be with Celebrate Recovery, and it looks like my weekend is booked once again.

Scheduling distractions

I really tried to break free from the norm this past weekend.

I allowed myself to keep busy, get out of the house, get things done, and do thinsg I wanted to do without thinking way too much.

Friday night I met up with Rex and his wife for the sundown canyon hike with our pooches.  There was supposed to be 20 people in total, but in actuality, only 5 of us showed (plus the guide).  Kind of disapointing for a club I just joined and this was my first outing with them to meet new people (and I already knew 2 of them).

My little guy

But the hike was fun and easy.  I think my dog really enjoyed it.  So many new smells for him.  It was about 3 miles in total, and was quite the learning experience.  Our guide taught us about some plants we could eat, some we should avoid, and some with medicinal value.  Didn't see much wildlife, just heard a bunch of frogs, saw a few bats, and that's about it.  The cool thing was the supermoon.  It was awesome to see the canyon lit up by this large moon.  Got home about 9:30pm, took a shower, had a late snack and hit the hay.

Saturday was about going to my men's group in the morning, then a Train Fair (one of my hobbies) where I took a lot of pictures and saw various exhibits.  Couple of things I wanted to buy, but I'm kinda holding on to my money right now....just in case any other surprises come my way.



BNSF #6967 on Saturday.

 In the afternoon, I hit the gym...hard.  Felt good to push some weights around and focusing on my chest and triceps.  I love that burn, and the endorphins, the rush, and that pumped up feeling.  I had some time to kill, so I installed my new video card in my computer.  Love it!  Runs so smooth now.

After that, I came home, cleaned up, and attended a friend's BBQ.  It was great because it was intimate.  A total of 9 of us, and a few of us have been friends since 3rd grade!  We had awesome food, told some stories, laughed, and shared various micro-brews...some were very tasty indeed.  My friend also has a fire pit in his backyard, and it was nice to all sit around it liek we were camping and back in Boy Scouts.  But I knew my buddy had an early morning the next day, so I left at about 9:30 and was home by 10pm.

Finally yesterday, Sunday, hit the gym again (back and biceps) and took myself to see The Avengers.  It was a great superhero movie, and I loved it!!  My parents stopped by unexpectedly at 5:30 and took me out for pizza, and then last night my 'divorced' female friend texted me and we chatted a bit before we said our good-nights and went to bed.

Although I had a difficulty falling asleep last night.  Despite all the stuff I did and disctractions, there is some underlying anger and funk still there, and at one point I got really angry at my wife.  It's her birthday this Wed.  She offically turn's 42 and when I told people I thought about sending her a card, everyone told me I was crazy.  Okay, I'm not going to.  But just because I don't like her behavior, and she treated me like crap on my birthday, doesn't mean I can't show respect for hers.  But like I said, everyone more or less crucified me when I brought it up.

Perspective

I got up early this morning, no real reason why, but my eyes popped open for the final time just after 5am.  I don't like that, seeing that I easily have at least another hour to hour and a half before I really have to get up.

At the urging of my dog, I made my way downstairs at about 5:20 and fed him...an hour early.  I made myself some coffee and tried to straighten up the kitchen a tad.  I even found time to watch a little recorded TV before I made my way out the door.

I was super hungry this morning, so I decided to hit Del Taco and get another cup of coffee and a breakfast burrito, and I kept thinking about this evening.....looking forward to hanging out with my dog, doing a nature hike, meeting some new people while hanging with Rex and his wife.

Mid meal, I got a text message from another friend....

A mutual friend of ours, Joe, well his elderly father passed away early this morning.  I never met Joe's father, but Joe and I have been friends for about 8 years.  Joe's a bit older than me, probably late 40's and I know he has an older sister, so I can only guestimate that his father was maybe in his 70's?  Not exactly sure, but as far as I know, he was healthy.

My own father turns 68 this upcoming Monday, May 7th.

I have no idea what I will do when my father (or mother for that matter) passes.  It's becoming a reality to me however, that my parents life is past the 1/2 way mark, and they have become incredibly close to me this past year, especially my father.  My father knows that I have a delicate psyche, that I am soft and emotional, but I know he loves me so much as does my mom.

The good news is that both my parents are saved and I have no doubt that they will be with Jesus someday, but that doesn't make it much easier for me.

A feeling of loneliness hit me at Del Taco (don't laugh, eben though it does sound funny). 

I was sitting there alone this morning, eating breakfast b myself, after leaving my house, that I live in....by myself.  I have no brothers or sisters.  I have no biological children, only a 20 year step-daughter who only within the last couple of years started to call me day....but now doesn't live with me anylonger.  I have a soon to be ex-wife, and I wonder about the legacy I will leave here on this planet.

What if my dad passes unexpectedly in the next year or so?  Or my mom?  I am just now re-discovering my inner self, and I know right now I am fragile.  The Lexapro barely helps and I can't even imagine dealing with death and the sense of loss.  I already know I'm going to have to be put on tranquilizers when my dog eventually passes, so I can't even imagine my own parents.

Not to belittle anything, but like I said I haven't even met Joe's dad, and I'm crying for him this morning.  I don't even know how to reach out to Joe right now, let alone respond to the text from our friend.  I'm incredibly sad right now and it's put a damper on my day as I yet again I turn inward and think about my life.

Unpredictable feelings are predictable

After work last night I came home and walked my pup.  It was a really nice walk for him, and for me as well.  I kept thinking about Friday's nature-walk/dog-gathering I'll be attending with people I never met before and I'm looking so forward to it.

My video card came in the mail as well, but by the time I started dinner for myself, my pup, did a load of laundry (sheets for the bed), took a shower, it was getting kind of late to install it in my computer so I let it slide until maybe tonigt when I get home.

It rained again last night, again unpredicted from the weatherman.  We were supposed to have fog and continue to be overcast, but the rain once again seemed to have come out of nowhere, but that's okay with me....it's strange how rain makes me so sleepy.  No sleeping pill last night, and I only got up once (around 4am) last night.

Interlude: As I type this post I'm listening to "Crash & Burn" by Nadia Ali (Sultan & Ned Shepard Remix).  She has such a beautiful and sultry voice, especially for dance type music.  I think I love everything she sings...her voice is just amazing to me.

Anyway, where was I?  Oh, I got a very nice and lengthy email from my friend who got divorced and shared some of her own continuing pain and frustrations with me....and her own journey of recovery....and her plans for the future (moving back to our home state at the end of the year).  I could identify with a lot she had to say, and I have to be very aware and cautious on how to interpret her feelings and dreams so that they don't interfere with my own vulnerabilities.

Speaking of feelings, last night a wash of anger came over me at 7:38pm.  Yes, I happened to look at the clock on the DVR at that exact moments and took note.  I had finished dinner, and it was just me and my little boy in the living room and I was waiting for Survivor to start...and this wave of anger overtook me.

I know it's a phase of a this cycle I'm experiencing, and natural in these types of situations, but to be aware it was happening and growing at that exact moment tripped me out.  I quickly reached for my cell phone and called a friend from church to let him know and we chatted for the next few minutes....not just about me, but about his own struggles as well, and while the feeling didn't disappear, it was lessened enough for me to get through the night.

Until I awoke this morning...

I can't say I was in a foul mood, or burning with rage, or even anger....but I was off.  The best way I can explain it was a feeling of a cartoonish dark cloud hovering over my head.  Frustration in general?  Disapointment with the lack of any real effort from my wife?  They say actions speak louder than words, and in her case, she's the walking definition of the aforementioned cliche.

It's her birthday next week too.  Do I take the higher road and send her card?  Yes, I actually have thought about it.  I know I'll be sending my MIL a mothers day card.  But in liue of everything, I can't believe I'm thinking of sending her a card. 

I'm such a wuss.

Sticking my toe in the water

Last night was gloomy yet again.  Rained a bit around 9pm which was an unexpected surprise to all the  weathermen. 

I made myself a really good dinner.  I diced up some yukon potatos and onions, coated them in olive oil, cracker pepper, Lawry's seasoned salt, rosemary, and some salad herbs and baked them in a casserole dish for 2o minutes at 450 degrees.  At the 20 minute mark, I added a tilapia filet that had been marinating in a garlic/tuscan concoction and baked another 25 minutes.  It was delicious.  So much so, I'm gonna do it again tonight, but with the extra baby reds I have and throw in a few additional veggies as well.

Gave my pup a yummy dinner too.  I like to spoil him once in a while and he showed his gratitude my snuggling up with me in bed last night.

My new video card will be here today.  I bought a new video card with some Amazon gift cards I had saved up over time, and that will replace the one that burnt out a week ago after 4 years of dedicated service.  I'm looking forward to it too, because it will give me an opportunity to start exploring the world around me at home.

Speaking of which, I signed up with "Meetup.com" yesterday and created a profile with some of my favorite hobbies. 

And I already signed up for my first outing this Friday night!  It's not a singles mixer, but instead of going out to dinner with my friend Rex and his wife as was mentioned yesterday, I talked them into going on a 2mile sundown nature hike with a dog club at 7pm instead.  There will be 20 people along with their dogs and we will be led on a small hike in an area about 10 miles from my house.  It ends at 9pm and will be beneficial for me: I will meet more people, I will exercise my boy, and I will get out of the house on a Friday night.

So I won't be going to Celebrate Recovery this week afterall.  Then on Saturday morning, after I do attend my men's support group at chruch, I will be attending a Train festival (free admission) for a few hours (9am-2pm), then come home and back to my other friends house later in the afternoon to break in his brand new BBQ!   So it should be an action packed Friday and Saturday that will only cost me gas and time driving back and forth.

In other news, today is day 12 since my wife got served papers and no lawyer response from her yet. (18 days left and I win by default).  Another bank letter came yesterday for her (which I opened) and surprise....she's behind 2 payments.  The Toll Road agency also called for her and left a message, looks like she has not paid her monthly transponder bill, so she's racking up fines there as well. 

Some people will never learn.

However, she did visit her daughter on Monday (a good thing) and they had lunch and saw a movie.  I'm glad that she's at least making occasional contact with her daughter.  It's my understanding that she still doesn't want a divorce, but looking at her actions with me as "taking a break".  Awesome.  Glad to know she's taking a break, but failed to tell me.  Also heard that she still plans on paying for her portion of taxes, but I still haven't seen anything yet.

My divorced friend I mentioned a few posts back will be in town next week and wants to get together next Saturday.  I hope so.  We're supposed to hangout for most of the day on Saturday, culminating with dinner with some old friends, but who knows.  I don't want to get my hopes up for something that may not even be there, and even if there was the tiniest inkling that 'something' is there, there's the logistics of her being 6 hours away and me only 'seperated' in the legal sense not to mention fighting off any idea to myself that I'm on a rebound and my brain is sending me false hope.

She sent me a brief note yesterday saying she was going to write me a letter today.  I feel a little childish....I've been checking my email every couple of hours, and thus far nothing.

Taking it to heart

I received an email from a school chum of mine today that had something to say that was quite poignant to me.  My friend Rex (not his real name) and I have been friends since 9th grade.  We were Biology lab partners together back then ('84) and we've maintained our friendship over the years.

Oh, there's been times our friendship has been strained, and other times where we took different paths and interests, but I'm very happy and lucky to day that today, in 2012 our friendship is just as good, if not better than it was back in '84.  That's a friendship of 27 years, and perhaps I'm a bit more sentimental about than Rex is, but I can count my "best" friends on one hand, and even though we have diffrent religous beliefs and ideologies, Rex is one of my '5' inner core friends.

He sent me an email wondering how my past weekend was and wanted to see if maybe I'd like to get together with him and his wife either this Friday for dinner, or maybe take the dogs for a long walk after work on Thursday (weather permitting).  I think I'll take him up on the dinner.  I could use a break from all the therapy sessions, and support groups I attend.  Not that I am burnt out from them or bored, it's just that when I think about it, I have been attending (on average) 3 various type of support meetings a week for close to 3 months now and I haven't been out on a Friday night for over a month.

One of the aspects of 'moving' on, is to indeed get out there...to begin experiencing life and laughter again.  To get one's mind of the scheduled mundane talks and pity parties and begin to meet new people and learn to enjoy 'social' things again.  Maybe I can even practice my 'flirting' techniques with a waitress?  It has been 9+ years since I spoke with another woman, even in a playful manner...

Anyway, we got on the subject on "how I'm doing" and I told Rex that I still have my moments, but each day I gain a little more confidence back.  That slowly but surely, I'm re-discovering that 'man' that has been buried deep within me for so long.

Rex explained in his email: "Funny you should mention your inner voice.  I was just telling my wife (and she agreed) that you haven't been the same person we knew for some time now.  You used to be much more 'joking' and 'laughable', but we thought it was stress or something else, but we were commenting that over the past year you had been withdrawing into a shell.  You weren't the same guy we liked hanging around with."

He wasn't trying to be hurtful, or mean, or anything like that.  It was his way of telling me that he (and others who care and 'know' the real 'me') had noted that I was shutting down over time...loosing my spirit, smiling less.

I'm glad he did.

Despite my best efforts, I wasn't fooling anyone.  I was expending a lot of wasted energy trying to 'cover up' or 'hide' my issues that it actually became full time work when in public and social settings.  I was concentrating so hard to put my game face on, that I was in actuality making it quite clear to everyone I came into contact with that I was dealing with something just under the surface.  And thus I missed out on a lot of fun, a lot of inside jokes, a lot of stories and memories, because I was trying to maintain a false facade of who I was.

And people did notice.

But by Rex telling me this, I am now aware of it.  Aware that I need to relax, let my guard down, go with the flow, be open to things because I don't need to hide anylonger.  I don't have to fake happiness that isn't there anymore, and instead allow my self 'real' happiness.

Far from a midlife crisis, but the scenarios are going through my head now on wanting to pick myself up and get out there.  I've been thinking of a new wardrobe, a new haircut, hitting the gym more than I already do, getting a tan...Kinda like starting on version 2.0.