Interlude: I snapped

This posts origin has at least one of its tendrils in our recent financial woes.

About 1.5 weeks ago, I got the property tax invoice from the county, and the first payment of two is due around the first week of December. I can't pay it. The only way I can is to take a loan out on my 401K, which I have never done since I started saving money in a 401k almost 20 years ago.

As I also alluded to in my last entry, my wife and I are combining accounts, and it's taking longer than it should be. Of course my wife feels out of control when her company screwed up the first attempt at direct deposit, and God forbid she actually stay on top of it herself and follow-up with anyone. Same thing happened with her debt consolidation....it was magically going 'nowhere'...until I jumped in and took control. It's not just my wife. I really hate the excuse no matter who it is: "I called and left a message a week ago and am awaiting a call back." Um, ever heard the saying 'the squeaky wheel gets the grease'? Especially when it comes to money. I follow up and if someone doesn't call me back when they say, I don't wait another week and cross my fingers. No, I call the next day. I write down names and times. Yeah, maybe that's anal, and perhaps taking on more than I usually have to, but as yet another saying goes "If you want done things right, you gotta do it yourself." Problem is, I've been doing that so long (that is taking the reigns) I've learned I really can't trust others to follow through.....or perhaps they are the smart ones and I'm the idiot because they know if they 'slack' long enough, I'll do it eventually.

Whoa, I really do have ADHD, I'm so far off topic right now.

Okay, coming back around....

So in addition to that, we've been shorthanded at work and I've been having to cover other people. It was also my review at work, so I've been trying even harder to put out that extera effort and be visible and not complain about things. It's also been raining and my poor dog can't get a decent walk in. My stepdaughter has been putting us through the ringer (any 18 year old will do that) and my cholesterol medicine makes me super tired. I mean I can fall asleep at my desk if given the chance, so I've actually been going to bed earlier at night to compensate. I've missed church a few times, beating myself up in my head, and trying to make up for it my reading the Word, listening to Christian radio, and even woke up early on Sunday to watch a televangelist at 6:30am the other day.

Through all this, I forgot to take my 'happy pills' here and there on occasion so my chemistry is a bit unstable.

So the other day, I was going through my regular boring routine, taking note of yet another 'rinse and repeat' type of day when my mother called. Well, she's a tad impatient as well, but in another realm of my own impatience. She was a bit miffed and felt 'inconvienced' when I didn't call her back from the message she left me at home or on my cell phone. The thing is I hadn't been home yet to hear the message, and since I was in meeting all day at work, my cell phone was on mute. So I missed the 5 attempts she tried getting a hold of me in three hours. Yes, 5 attempts in three hours...all for an umbrella....a $15 dollar umbrella she thought she left at my house and was pissed she couldn't find it, and apparently I need to be on 30 second response duty for said umbrella whereabouts.

So, when I explained to her I hadn't been home, why not try calling my daughter or wife, she exclaimed she already did. So, lets review shall we? In the span of three hours my mother called my wife, my stepdaughter on her cellphone, and 5 times to me. That's 7 times looking for a $15 umbrella. When I did finally get a hold of her to tell her the umbrealla wasn't on our porch, she grilled me why I don't pick up my phone and then jumped to the conclusioon one of my neighbors stole it. I tried to explain logically that's ridiculous....who would go on our porch, in the dark, and even know the umbrealla is there to begin with to steal? There isn't a rash of umbrella thieves in the area that I'm aware of.

Needless to say, I was then told I was being rude and the next time I needed 'help' of any kind, don't bother calling her. That hurt my feelings. So....with all the stuff piling up as of late...and perhaps the lack of happy pills....I snapped. I went from minding my own business/content...to a sailor on a verbal bender the likes of which I haven;t done in years. My hot button was pushed, and if I were a cartoon, you'd see steam shooting from both ears, my eye's popping out, and my forehead turning bright red.

By the time I got off the phone it was all I could do to not pick up the closest object in huck it across the room. At this point my wife came home and tried to calm me down, and the best thing she could do (and she did) was listen to me vent. Oh, and I vented. For a good half hour straight. I used more curse words in that 30 minutes that I think I've used in the last year.

I ended up pouing myself a drink (not smart, or an answer to any problem by the way kids), and then taking a super hot shower to drain my stress and anger away, but not before I almost broke my hand by punching a tile wall (also stupid, but luckily no damage).

An hour later, once my rational mind came back into play, I realized right then and there why it is important to be diligent in taking my pills. I was a raving verbal lunatic, who knows how long I was simmering like that just under the surface.

So here we are a few days later: I've made sure I've taking my pill everday since then. And my mom called yesterday to apologize. After some reflection, she beleives she was in the wrong for the things she said and how she handled the situation over an umbrella. I didn't tell her about my rage afterwards, but I forgive her and myself and I realize I hate that part of me...the wild man with a potty mouth....but sometimes the stress is so much. God, it is so much.

There's a song by a band called 'Depeche Mode' that's entitled "Try walking in my shoes" To me it's so apropos:

I would tell you about the things
They put me through
The pain I've been subjected to
But the Lord himself would blush
The countless feasts laid at my feet
Forbidden fruits for me to eat
But I think your pulse would start to rush

Now I'm not looking for absolution
Forgiveness for the things I do
But before you come to any conclusions
Try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

You'll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments I kept
If you try walking in my shoes
If you try walking in my shoes

Morality would frown upon
Decency look down upon
The scapegoat fate's made of me
But I promise now, my judge and jurors
My intentions couldn't have been purer
My case is easy to see

I'm not looking for a clearer conscience
Peace of mind after what I've been through
And before we talk of any repentance
Try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

You'll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments I kept
If you try walking in my shoes
If you try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

Now I'm not looking for absolution
Forgiveness for the things I do
But before you come to any conclusions
Try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

You'll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments I kept
If you try walking in my shoes
You'll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments I kept

If you try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes
If you try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

The Forgotten Updated (part II)

Actually, this really isn't what I wanted to talk about at all today, but looking back at my last post, I know I said this would be the next entry.

Financially, a lot has happened to both my wife and I over the course of our marriage. Notice that I don't say 'our' financials, because up until very recently (and still not 100% completed) our finances were seperate.

I won't rehash history here (that's what the archives are for), but to put it out there simply here is the brief synopsis: 1) My wife had filed for bankruptcy just prior to our marriage, 2) She's not very good with money or understanding the responsibility of money, 3) We bought a house on the upswing of the market probably paying a tad bit more than we should have, 4) I had a nice paying job that I lost and was unemployed for a few month eventually taking a lower paying job, 5) My 11 year old car died and I bought a new car and financed it for 4 years with larger than I'd liek to admit monthly payments, 6) My step-daughetr came to live with us full time, thus increasing all our monthly bills and responsibilities, without the raises in this economy to make that transition easier, 7) My wife never learned her lesson and despite my constant pleading ran up a new set of credit cards she eventually couldn't pay for. 8) We both dislike our jobs, make less than we did 5 years ago and our bills have increased.

Sound like 75% of the rest of the country? Yeah, I don't expect much sympathy. I will tell you that I don't look for handouts or try to cheat the government, and I although neither one of us may care for our jobs or the people that are a part of them, we both work hard and at times have picked up occasional side jobs or began selling things of ours, or cutting out previous luxuries and making plenty of sacrifices along the way.

At times it seems it's all I can do to keep our heads above water. We have eaten plenty of spaghetti, many of PB&J sandwiches for lunch, or just plain skip breakfast. We've learned to shop with coupons, take advantage of sales, buy generic, and stretch things out as long and as far as we can. My wife has made tremendous strides forward in this realm lately, but it took her getting pounded into the sand again even with all the warning signs and headsup one can give before she really recognized the situation.

It used to really bother me, and I'll admit, it still does at times that she used to 'dismiss' my financial advice, thinking I was more of a nag or combative than I was a person trying to guide her. I used to say "Why would I steer you wrong? What happens to you, both directly and indirectly affects me. It in in yours, mine, and "our" best interest to look at your spending habits." I think she may be honest today in saying that she was in denial before. What I would say and she would dismiss, her parents would then backup what I was saying all along, and then she'd be okay with it, as if tehre was no way I could possibly know what I was talking about, despite the fact my credit was stellar and hers was in the shitter.

A few months back, the old pattern came back around and culminated once again with various creditors and bancks calling our house at all times of the day looking for my wife. Her strategy? Run and hide and maybe they'll go away. On the contrary, fees began piling up again, the calls didn't stop and now letters coming to the door. I told her I couldn't and wouldn't help anylonger. That's the truth....I was/am still having my own financial issues and already gave up so much that I didn't have just spare change lying about to hand out. At one point I was literally rolling tubes of pennies to take to the gas station to put gas in my car.

My wife finally turned to her parents, and thank goodness they put their own foot down and didn't cave in like last time. Now they wanted to see my wifes bank records, canceled statements, and demanded she cut up her cards before they even entertained helping/bailing her out again. I finally got the support I was looking for....I imagine it was there all along actually, but my wife was so embarrassed and running out of stories and excuses to keep her parents and I from all getting on the same page and piece together what the heck happened.

It was one of those very long nights again, when my mother-in-law showed up at our house, and patiently, yet firmly and lovingly, made my wife lay all her cards out on the table. I even learned a few things that night I was both surprised and furious with. My fury gave way to disapointment and then to a sense of 'helplessness'. I recall sitting on our couch doing all the math in my head once I got an idea of the 'whole picture', and I resigned myself to the fact that I'll never being going on any vaction anytime soon, or I'll have to retire late in life (if at all) and that my favorite hobbies and dreams of today (what little are left to begin with) all have to be shelved yet again.

As I heard my wife speak more and more about 'her' (and what is really 'our') situation, my mind forgot we were even married. A few thoughts I had: 1) How the hell did I not see this coming? 2) How did she allow this to happen yet again? 3) Is she seriously thinking that everything is okay? Is she that blind? That far in denial? That far out of touch in reality? 4) How many more crappy sandwiches am I going to have to eat? 5) When can I buy myself any new toy, book, game, or small gadget? 6) And yes, "Why did I marry her again? My life was so much more simple and carefree and secure when I was single...

To be continued......