"It's not about the money.....But,...."

"....I want all of yours, even though I blew all mine."

Ah, the famous mantra of my estranged wife.

If you haven't been paying attention as of late, this weeks marks just over 10 months that my wife walked out on me.  And when she walked out on me, she took with her:

• More than 1/2 our joint checking account.
• Went through over $20K of her 401K/IRA savings (which I never saw a penny of).
• Left me to pay her Federal Income taxes.
• Stuck me with the entire property taxes for the year and homeowners insurance.
• Stuck me with a Credit Card with $3,200 in debt that she incurred solely.

She currently lives with her parents, rent free and has a 40 hour a week job that pays in cash...under the table...so who knows if she has any legitimate or legal earning W2.

I currently pay:

• Her medical benefits coverage.
• Her $3,200 CC in which I make monthly payments of $87 and have been for the past 10 months.
• I paid her Federal Income taxes since we filed jointly before she left.
• Mortgage, ALL utilities, my own car, insurance, gas, groceries, vet bills (BTW, she has never once asked about the dog).
• I cannot rent out the spare bedroom, because that is where all her clothes, shoes, personal belongings are....in boxes....that she won't pick up.  So I'm effectively "storing" her possessions for free.

I have offered her 2 seperate, more-than-fair proprosals, where as much as it pains me, I have capitulated certains additional sacrifices just to have her move on and out.  Both of them have been rejected.  We have no children together,, and I have gotten her at least 3 job interviews in between her sitting about the house all day long playing 'Words with Friends'.

For the past 10 months she has told me how she has "changed", that I need to give her another "chance".  That I was controlling the money. -WAIT. RIGHT. HERE.  Can someone explain to me how I controlled all the money...if we had seperate checking and savings accounts?  How was I controlling when I paid all the bills...on time....and bought everything for the house.  If I "controlled" the money...where did the money come from when she bought liquor and cigarettes?  If I "Controlled" the money, why were the banks looking for her and not me?  Who between the two of us had a bankruptcy prior to our marriage and had issues with the IRS?  NOT ME.

So this leads me up to today.

I got a new counter-offer today from her attorney.  My own attorney even had to chuckle, and said this is clearly a 'stall tactic' and cannot be serious.  Today's counter offer is as such:

• She wants 1/2 of my 401K.  Lord knows I can't ask for 1/2 of hers...she already took it out of the bank, and spent it when she wasn't supposed to because of the divorce.
• She wants 1/2 the house.  The house she never paid one dime for because she was bankrupt, the one where I paid all the taxes on it, the insurance, home improvements, etc.  The house she VOLUNTARILY walked out of 10+ months ago.
• She wants me to now pay her entire CC debt, in the neighborhood of $6K.  The debt she cannot pay.  The debt where the CC companies call for HER.  The CC's with the insane interest rates she incurred because of bad decisions, and could never pay back.
• And the best one.  She wants 60% of my monthly income for support and we don't even have kids.

But as she tells me...."It's not about the money."

Well, if it's not, why are you so keen on taking all of mine after your blew all of yours?

What Lance Armstrong is teaching me

Admitedly, I am not a huge 'bike' fan.  I don't even own a bike of any type, and I could not tell you who has ever won the Tour de France if it wasn't for Mr. Armstrong and his 'legacy', now tainted.

There's a lot of talk this week about his upcoming interview with Oprah, not that I watch or care for her network either, about his finally coming 'clean' about his alleged doping over the years.  I never believed him in the first place, I always though he was doping, but other than a passing thought, I never paid anymore than 10 seconds attention to it over the years.

But this week, his upcoming confession, seems to be the talk of the sports world.  To me,something else hit me altogther different.

I've been reading some passing commentaries on him, and even some status updates from friends on Facebook regading his interview to be shown later this week, and the topic of forgiveness came up.

There's a lot of people who seem to want to forgive him, and that's good.  There's also, as to be expected, a vocal minority that won't.  Saying he's had chance, after chance, after chance and how could he ever be trusted again?

Maybe, maybe not...but to keep things in perspective, biking is just a sport.  And what is a sport, but a game afterall?  Are we saying we never cheated at a game?  Never cheated at Monoploy or Chutes and Ladders as kid?  Never but in a secret code on a video game to gain some benefit that would help us achieve our goal...an exploit?

I suppose it doesn't matter.  Cheating, no matter how trivial, is cheating....and cheating therefor is a lie.  And a lie is a sin.

But I'm not here about fire & brimstone today.  Not getting on a soapbox about sin.

But I am going to talk about forgiveness...and who better to falls short than the guy typing out this entry, the guy in the mirror.

I am no saint.  I am flesh and blood.  Born into this world, no better nor no worse than anyone before or after me.

In my life, I have made many mistakes.  Some innocent ones, some calculated ones....but each time I sought forgiveness.  Not only from the the person I may have hurt, intentionally or not, but also forgiveness from my Lord.  Each and everytime I have fallen, God has been true to His word: "Child, you are forgiven."

Colossians 3:13, Mathew 6:14-14 & 18:21-35, Luke 3:3, Acts 13:38-39, Hebrews 9:22, 1 John 1:8-9 are just a smattering of verses talking about forgivness.

Colossians tells us, no, commands us to "Forgive those that offend us (i.e. sin against us), because the Lord our God has forgiven you.".

So why am I having an issue with it as of late?

I do not want to carry out the rest of my days as a bitter person.  I've seen the emotional damage and hardening of the heart it can do first hand.  My grandfather never forgave my grandmother for having an affair and leaving him some 50+ years ago.  My grandfather is 95 years old, and he still carries a certain bitterness towards the whole thing and you can see the agitation in his eyes even today.  He never remarried.

I don't want to be that guy.

Truth be told, because my blog is about my truth, I want to forgive my estranged wife...but I can't tell if I have or haven't yet.  The fact that I can't tell, should be a clear sign that apparently I haven't.  And that's both sad and a shame.

This past week I had another dream about her.  And last night I had a dream about my step-daughter.  I am constantly thinking about my inlaws, who turned....who said they are dissapointed in me because I haven't forgiven their daughter. 

I don't know how to repsond to that mindset.  On the one hand, they are correct.....That's where the line between forgive and forget are blurred.  I want to release her for I know for as much as she *may* have changed (little evidence of such), I don't want my future to be cloudy to others accepting me because I can't let go of the past.  I try to 'forgive' daily, but that doesn't mean I forgot the pain I have endured: the leaving, the untruths, the ridiculous accusations, the tit-for-tat mentality.

Looking back at everything else in my life, I have done a lot of forgiving this past year.  I have let go of quite a many things that have plagued me for years, if even decades.  I really don't think much about those things anymore.  I'd like to think I've attempted to mend every fence out there, and if I haven't, at least I can't think of any that keep me up at night.

That being said, I do find myself harboring...let's just say "not positive" feelings...towards my ex-wife.  I do not hate her.  I do not wish ill will or harm to her.  In a way, I will always love her.  But she did infact mess me up....big time. I am not the same person I was a year ago, even two years ago.

Many, and I mean many, peopel have told me I am better off.  They recall incidents that they said made them feel uncomfortable when they saw my wife act a certain way, usually under the influence, especially actions towards me.  I know my contemplations on the matter is still cloudy, because truthfully I don't always see it...but perhaps I was already used to it, numb to it, accepting of it already for so long it was the norm to me.

There are two new ladies in my life now, but I'm gunshy to act on anything right now.  First, my 'divorced' friend is moving out here in a about 2 weeks.  Yes, she actually is...and she's been talking to me a bit more frequently as of late...perhaps 'probing' the overall situation to ascertain if there is any future at all.  The other is a person I met at Celebrate Recovery....who is divorced herself, but with 3 teenage daughters, one of which is already in college.  She isn't looking for me to take care of her, and she knows 'everything' about my current situation and still accepts me...and even supportive.  I look at her in amazement and realize she has been more open, supportive and caring in the last few months than my wife has been the last few years.  We actually have a lot in common, but she cannot have anymore children...and I'm a bit leary that her 'financial' stability is a bit questionable.  That's one thing I cannot deal with anymore....I spent 10 years being someone's financial rock...who took and took and took and never returned.  I can't go through that again.

Okay, I'm kinda rambling now, so let me bring it back home.

Forgiveness.

Do onto others, as we would like done to us.  That includes forgiveness.  What's past is past and cannot be changed, but that doesn't mean I have to be bitter about it, because if I am bitter, then I have allowed that person to steal my joy.