Finally after a two week self-imposed hiatus, I went to church yesterday and it was just what I needed.
The previous two weeks have been a bit stressful and emotionally taxing for me. I lost a friend, my wife informed me that she can't buy presents until after Christmas because she's broke...again... (which made me a bit frustrated, disapointed, and angry) . We're hosting Christmas Eve at my house this year and I'm doing all the cooking, it's been raining a lot (today again) and it's so hard to keep everything clean, and lastly my company is scheduled to layoff yet more people on January 8th (in which there is a chance I may be going).
Very stressful and taxing. I caught myself crying in solitude again on Friday. I just get sooo tired of everything and everyone some times.
I cleaned the house so much yesterday and all I asked my wife to do was to mop the kitchen and dining room in which she said she would, twice, and still never did it. She got testy with me when I didn't clean up a pot I had been using which kinda floored me, seeing that I spent half the day cleaning the house, laundry, grocery shopping, wrapping presesnts, etc., but I bit my tongue and cleaned it anway. And she still never mopped. Eh, but I'll stop the complaining here.
As I was originally saying, I went to church with an open heart and mind because I had an inner desire for my souls thirst to be quenched. My pastor spoke about the history of Christmas from a biblical perspective and my eyes were opened it seemed for the first time. All my previous conceptions of Christmas were shattered as after my 30+ years on this planet did I learn that the wise men numbered more than 3. That they most likely visited Jesus the first time when he was actually 2 years old (not a baby in a manger as all Hallmark cards and nativity scenes indicate). That Myrrh was an embalming spice. That Herod despite being named 'King of the Jews' was not a direct descendant of David. Anyway, it was very historically based and now makes me see things in a whole new light. I was pretty excited, and for the first time in many years I didn't mind singing.
I have two more days of work this week, this being one of them, and then I'm off until January 5th. We'll see if I'm laid off on the 8th though. Please pray for me that I can make it through the Holiday's with love and understanding and compassion and pateience with my wife and family and continually remember what 'Christmas' is all about and not what the world has turned it into the last few years.
December 22, 2008
December 18, 2008
Pastor Rick Warren is Obama's Inaugural Choice
Imagine my surprise today when I was glancing at the news and came across this story. It appears that president elect Obama has chosen influenetial christian minister Rick Warren to give his inaugural invocation come this January.
I was surprised because this is the first I heard about myself, someone who generally reads the news throughout the day and apparently I somehow missed this.
My initial gut reaction was "Oh, Obama....you're slick. This is very politically savvy by trying to appease many of the right-wing conservative evangelicals, and a sure way to soften their stance towards you." Meaning, I smell a little duplicity here on Obama's part. Shrewd and masterful.
But then I beagn to read the story (and I suggest you do as well) and got to thinking about the recent assault on Christmas as a holiday from non-beleivers, and the anti-religious protesting in California over the passing of Prop. 8, and I then I thought to myself "well, God is finally gonna let 'us' win one here." Actually, that's the wrong concept if I take a larger look at everything, but it's nice to see that God is once again reminding people He's still out there.
However, by reading the story, it's important to note how much flak religion, and especially Christainity is getting from the left. It actually saddens me to a certain extent that Obama is now being criticized by those in his own party that think Warren "is not consistent with mainstream American values." What? Are you kidding me? The man who gives and gives and gives and leads such an exemplarly life (reaching out to poor, those infected with HIV/AIDS, etc.) is now being trodden upon as in conflict with with mainstream values? Some of the things that Kathryn Kolbert alludes to in being 'deeply dissapointed' at Warren's pick turns around and now dissapoints me. I'm becoming more and more convinced that the ultra liberal left really wants to destroy America from within, and nothing...and I mean nothing will please them until religion is erradicated from our country.
Some of the points in the article citing Warren's stance on abortion and gay rights and what these people have to say about it are troubling for me. All I can do is pray for pastor Warren, president-elect Obama, and this country as a whole. What is going on here in 2008? When did we become such a country of hate and anti-religion all of a sudden? Is this what we can expect for the next 4-8 years? Sadly, I think so and at least it appears to this blogger that the battle lines for our salvation are becoming bolder and more evident that ever and it scares me. It really does. It goes back to my paranoia that the end is coming sooner than later.
Please Father, have mercy on us all. We are so undeserving of your grace.
I was surprised because this is the first I heard about myself, someone who generally reads the news throughout the day and apparently I somehow missed this.
My initial gut reaction was "Oh, Obama....you're slick. This is very politically savvy by trying to appease many of the right-wing conservative evangelicals, and a sure way to soften their stance towards you." Meaning, I smell a little duplicity here on Obama's part. Shrewd and masterful.
But then I beagn to read the story (and I suggest you do as well) and got to thinking about the recent assault on Christmas as a holiday from non-beleivers, and the anti-religious protesting in California over the passing of Prop. 8, and I then I thought to myself "well, God is finally gonna let 'us' win one here." Actually, that's the wrong concept if I take a larger look at everything, but it's nice to see that God is once again reminding people He's still out there.
However, by reading the story, it's important to note how much flak religion, and especially Christainity is getting from the left. It actually saddens me to a certain extent that Obama is now being criticized by those in his own party that think Warren "is not consistent with mainstream American values." What? Are you kidding me? The man who gives and gives and gives and leads such an exemplarly life (reaching out to poor, those infected with HIV/AIDS, etc.) is now being trodden upon as in conflict with with mainstream values? Some of the things that Kathryn Kolbert alludes to in being 'deeply dissapointed' at Warren's pick turns around and now dissapoints me. I'm becoming more and more convinced that the ultra liberal left really wants to destroy America from within, and nothing...and I mean nothing will please them until religion is erradicated from our country.
Some of the points in the article citing Warren's stance on abortion and gay rights and what these people have to say about it are troubling for me. All I can do is pray for pastor Warren, president-elect Obama, and this country as a whole. What is going on here in 2008? When did we become such a country of hate and anti-religion all of a sudden? Is this what we can expect for the next 4-8 years? Sadly, I think so and at least it appears to this blogger that the battle lines for our salvation are becoming bolder and more evident that ever and it scares me. It really does. It goes back to my paranoia that the end is coming sooner than later.
Please Father, have mercy on us all. We are so undeserving of your grace.
December 17, 2008
A week until Christmas...and I'm just not feeling it.
....For all the wrong reasons no less.
Only with the addition of the rain the last two days has it reminded me that the highest holiday of the year is next week, and the best thing I've been looking forward to? Shamefully, the fact that I will have 12 days off in a row, returning to work on January 5th, 2009.
Christmas shopping for gifts has been scaled way back this year. My wife and I agreed that I would buy for my family, and she would buy for hers. It's a bit tough to admit at first that this year the gift giving is much smaller than it was in years past, but in a way I'm also glad we came to this agreement.....especially as I see the mounting bills and I've been stressing a bit about how we are going to pay them.
It also paigned me to make it very clear to my family so there was no hurt feeling or surprises that we would indeed be scaling back. In addition to our limited gifts, I have decided to host a Christmas dinner. Despite all my other flaws, nuances, and scattered emotions...one thing my family (and my wife) can agree on...is that I am a damn good cook.
Decoration around our house are a bit sparse too. When I was growing up, my parents always had a nice big tree even though there was only the three of us. My mom used to bake a lot as well, so the smell of banana date bread or sugar cookies often permeated our home. We used to watch Christmas specials on television, and combined, these things used to get me in the Christmas spirit.
Well we have a very small (2' tall) fake tree on a stand in our living room (because of space limitations and the dog) so all my beautiful ornaments once again remain in storage. My wife did put some nice garland on our banister and I decorated the outside trim with lights, but lacking are all the cards by the fireplace, the wreath, the smell of sweet cookies or bread, or most anything else Christmas.
My wife as of this past weekend hasn't started her shopping, and I have mixed feelings about this. I feel bad to a certain extent that she has limited funds and in a slight mode of worry on what to buy people (if she even will), but on the other hand she's had all year to plan for this, put away money, get her priorities in line...and instead she didn't. Like so many other frustrating moments I bite my tongue over she has opted to spend any disposable income she has on her Monday night bowling escapades and the rental of a storage unit she was supposed to down-grade to a cheaper, smaller unit almost 6 months ago. As much as it bothers me, I can't control her or tell her what to do....If I do...it's nagging and controlling. But I can't continue to bail her out anymore. It kills me a little more each time when I see her credit card statements come in each month and they just seem to get worse and worse (she finally gave me both cards and we closed one account altogther...I have the other card in my wallet for emergencies...but we'll never use it.)
Getting back to Christmas....even my work cancelled it's annual department potluck and we didn't even string lights up this year (last year our department looked like a poor mans disco....but at least we had some decorations). In speaking with neighbors and friends, no one is really having any holiday parties either. We did attend one almost two weeks ago which was pretty fun, but's thats the only one. My wife and I are attempting a potluck at our house this Saturday with a $5-10 gift exchange, but so far the response rate is pretty slim.
And how do I plan on spending my 12 days off? I may have to force myself to drive us somewhere outside and take the dog, otherwise all I had planned was watching some movies on dvd, playing some games, finishing a novel, and going to the gym. Nothing fancy....we just can't afford it.
And there is still the recent passing of 'R' looming over us as well. I know my wife was sad again last night...I guess she spoke with the ex-fiance who is flying out today and is also writing the obituary. It's hard to celebrate when a friend has died. I can imagine how difficult it is for families who lose someone close to Christmas as well.
Also there's the religious aspect or lack of religion as of late. Is it me, or does it seem like every atheist group came out of the woodwork the last month? I just feel so much more of an assault on Christmas this year as opposed to previous years it really has me concerned.
No, it's just not feeling like Christmas to me and it bother me the more I think about it.
Only with the addition of the rain the last two days has it reminded me that the highest holiday of the year is next week, and the best thing I've been looking forward to? Shamefully, the fact that I will have 12 days off in a row, returning to work on January 5th, 2009.
Christmas shopping for gifts has been scaled way back this year. My wife and I agreed that I would buy for my family, and she would buy for hers. It's a bit tough to admit at first that this year the gift giving is much smaller than it was in years past, but in a way I'm also glad we came to this agreement.....especially as I see the mounting bills and I've been stressing a bit about how we are going to pay them.
It also paigned me to make it very clear to my family so there was no hurt feeling or surprises that we would indeed be scaling back. In addition to our limited gifts, I have decided to host a Christmas dinner. Despite all my other flaws, nuances, and scattered emotions...one thing my family (and my wife) can agree on...is that I am a damn good cook.
Decoration around our house are a bit sparse too. When I was growing up, my parents always had a nice big tree even though there was only the three of us. My mom used to bake a lot as well, so the smell of banana date bread or sugar cookies often permeated our home. We used to watch Christmas specials on television, and combined, these things used to get me in the Christmas spirit.
Well we have a very small (2' tall) fake tree on a stand in our living room (because of space limitations and the dog) so all my beautiful ornaments once again remain in storage. My wife did put some nice garland on our banister and I decorated the outside trim with lights, but lacking are all the cards by the fireplace, the wreath, the smell of sweet cookies or bread, or most anything else Christmas.
My wife as of this past weekend hasn't started her shopping, and I have mixed feelings about this. I feel bad to a certain extent that she has limited funds and in a slight mode of worry on what to buy people (if she even will), but on the other hand she's had all year to plan for this, put away money, get her priorities in line...and instead she didn't. Like so many other frustrating moments I bite my tongue over she has opted to spend any disposable income she has on her Monday night bowling escapades and the rental of a storage unit she was supposed to down-grade to a cheaper, smaller unit almost 6 months ago. As much as it bothers me, I can't control her or tell her what to do....If I do...it's nagging and controlling. But I can't continue to bail her out anymore. It kills me a little more each time when I see her credit card statements come in each month and they just seem to get worse and worse (she finally gave me both cards and we closed one account altogther...I have the other card in my wallet for emergencies...but we'll never use it.)
Getting back to Christmas....even my work cancelled it's annual department potluck and we didn't even string lights up this year (last year our department looked like a poor mans disco....but at least we had some decorations). In speaking with neighbors and friends, no one is really having any holiday parties either. We did attend one almost two weeks ago which was pretty fun, but's thats the only one. My wife and I are attempting a potluck at our house this Saturday with a $5-10 gift exchange, but so far the response rate is pretty slim.
And how do I plan on spending my 12 days off? I may have to force myself to drive us somewhere outside and take the dog, otherwise all I had planned was watching some movies on dvd, playing some games, finishing a novel, and going to the gym. Nothing fancy....we just can't afford it.
And there is still the recent passing of 'R' looming over us as well. I know my wife was sad again last night...I guess she spoke with the ex-fiance who is flying out today and is also writing the obituary. It's hard to celebrate when a friend has died. I can imagine how difficult it is for families who lose someone close to Christmas as well.
Also there's the religious aspect or lack of religion as of late. Is it me, or does it seem like every atheist group came out of the woodwork the last month? I just feel so much more of an assault on Christmas this year as opposed to previous years it really has me concerned.
No, it's just not feeling like Christmas to me and it bother me the more I think about it.
December 15, 2008
Passing of a friend
With much sadness in my heart, I'm sorry to say that my friend 'R' expired this past Friday, December the 12th. He was 32 years old.
I really don't know what to say about this. I definetely have mixed emotions on the whole situation on whether it may have been a good thing (the emotional and physical toll on taking pills daily for your transplanted liver and depression that will never leave) or a bad thing (loss of a friend, giving up, anger towards others and even myself who may have done more but didn't).
I didn't go to church on Sunday. I haven't been feeling all that 'pious' lately. I pray on my own off and on throughout the days. Part of my mind wants to talk to have a discussion with God about all this, and at another moment I think I'm making excuses as to not think about it at all.
The ex-fiance is flying out for services that are coming up on the 20th. I haven't spoken with her yet, but my wife says she spoke with her late Friday and is 'okay' but it's all a front and perhaps it hasn't sunk in yet.
By accident, I was going through some pictures on my computer over the weekend, looking for the 'right' picture of my dog when I came across quite a few with 'R' and my dog. I'm debating whether to print them out or not and give them to the fiance.
Other than that, I'm kinda have no emotions right now myself.
I really don't know what to say about this. I definetely have mixed emotions on the whole situation on whether it may have been a good thing (the emotional and physical toll on taking pills daily for your transplanted liver and depression that will never leave) or a bad thing (loss of a friend, giving up, anger towards others and even myself who may have done more but didn't).
I didn't go to church on Sunday. I haven't been feeling all that 'pious' lately. I pray on my own off and on throughout the days. Part of my mind wants to talk to have a discussion with God about all this, and at another moment I think I'm making excuses as to not think about it at all.
The ex-fiance is flying out for services that are coming up on the 20th. I haven't spoken with her yet, but my wife says she spoke with her late Friday and is 'okay' but it's all a front and perhaps it hasn't sunk in yet.
By accident, I was going through some pictures on my computer over the weekend, looking for the 'right' picture of my dog when I came across quite a few with 'R' and my dog. I'm debating whether to print them out or not and give them to the fiance.
Other than that, I'm kinda have no emotions right now myself.
December 12, 2008
Still no news
It's been about 25 -26 hours since I first heard the news regarding my friend 'R', and unfortunately I have nothing new to report.
Last night my wife worked late and I heard her come in around 10:30pm or so. I was upstairs fiddling around and it was fairly quiet. After waiting about 15 minutes or so for my wife to say something I went ahead and walked down stairs where she was aimlessly trying to straighten up the kitchen. I figure it was just something out of habit to do with keeping busy or moving her hands as I noticed her placing perfectly clean dishes into the dishwasher.
I looked at her face and could tell she had been crying. I don't see my wife cry very often. People often say I'm the sensitive person in the family and she's the rock (which is true depending on the circumstance).
I asked her what was the matter, and after a very long pause (as if she was collecting her thoughts) she spilled out a torrent of repetitive sentences "How do I help her? What can I do?", clearly referencing her friend, the ex-fiance of R.
The best I could do is allow her to talk, to open up, to continue to spill....not to interrupt and make all those stupid cliches I despised so much some time back. Finally, when she took a breath I attempted to counsel her that her involvement right now is one of prayer. As human beings, we want to fix things ourselves, often leaving God and Christ by the wayside. Her girlfriend is very distraught as I expected and has already began blaming herself, and my wife is frustrated that she doesn't know what to do.
I tried to explain her friend probably would be oblivious to any advice we can give her, or any forced interjection on our behalf. Let her go through the natural stages of emotions over the next few days and the only thing we can do is to let her know she can talk to us when she is willing, ready, and able. That the best we can do is let her know that we will be praying...not only for 'R', but that that she has peace of mind and an inner strength. I told my wife if she couldn't think of anything to do or say right now, then turn to God and ask Him to use her as a vessel and she'll know in her heart what her actions should be. Ask Christ to walk with you and be with you when you see your friend. It's not the two of you tackling this problem by yourselves, its you with the addition of Christ. Before you pick up the phone, before you drive over to her house, before you see her...PRAY. Pray that God fills you with wisdom, and even if you don't understand or recognize it now, that He will make Himself known to those that need and seek strength and courage.
I truly think it's the enemy telling us "Ha! Look at you now. Where is your God in the midst of this tragedy. He has abandoned you and you are failing as a friend." NOT SO. Pray that the chains of oppression and guilt and lack of worth are overcome. Man, I wish I could take my own advice at times.
We finally went to bed at around 11:30pm after she did much of the discussing and I did much of the listening. I held her hand in bed for at least 20 minutes to let her know I was there, and that I am praying...not only for R, but for my wife and R's ex-fiance.
In a very rare moment, my wife told me (and in the first time in a long time I believed her) that she loved me, and she rubbed my back for a moment.
Today I called her at work and asked if she had heard any more news. She hadn't. And neither have I. My attempts at calls have been met with endless ringing or answering machines and I'm sure we are in for another evening of awkwardness as it's hard to relax and be social with others on a Friday evening when you want to know how your friends are doing, especially when one is in R's condition.
Last night my wife worked late and I heard her come in around 10:30pm or so. I was upstairs fiddling around and it was fairly quiet. After waiting about 15 minutes or so for my wife to say something I went ahead and walked down stairs where she was aimlessly trying to straighten up the kitchen. I figure it was just something out of habit to do with keeping busy or moving her hands as I noticed her placing perfectly clean dishes into the dishwasher.
I looked at her face and could tell she had been crying. I don't see my wife cry very often. People often say I'm the sensitive person in the family and she's the rock (which is true depending on the circumstance).
I asked her what was the matter, and after a very long pause (as if she was collecting her thoughts) she spilled out a torrent of repetitive sentences "How do I help her? What can I do?", clearly referencing her friend, the ex-fiance of R.
The best I could do is allow her to talk, to open up, to continue to spill....not to interrupt and make all those stupid cliches I despised so much some time back. Finally, when she took a breath I attempted to counsel her that her involvement right now is one of prayer. As human beings, we want to fix things ourselves, often leaving God and Christ by the wayside. Her girlfriend is very distraught as I expected and has already began blaming herself, and my wife is frustrated that she doesn't know what to do.
I tried to explain her friend probably would be oblivious to any advice we can give her, or any forced interjection on our behalf. Let her go through the natural stages of emotions over the next few days and the only thing we can do is to let her know she can talk to us when she is willing, ready, and able. That the best we can do is let her know that we will be praying...not only for 'R', but that that she has peace of mind and an inner strength. I told my wife if she couldn't think of anything to do or say right now, then turn to God and ask Him to use her as a vessel and she'll know in her heart what her actions should be. Ask Christ to walk with you and be with you when you see your friend. It's not the two of you tackling this problem by yourselves, its you with the addition of Christ. Before you pick up the phone, before you drive over to her house, before you see her...PRAY. Pray that God fills you with wisdom, and even if you don't understand or recognize it now, that He will make Himself known to those that need and seek strength and courage.
I truly think it's the enemy telling us "Ha! Look at you now. Where is your God in the midst of this tragedy. He has abandoned you and you are failing as a friend." NOT SO. Pray that the chains of oppression and guilt and lack of worth are overcome. Man, I wish I could take my own advice at times.
We finally went to bed at around 11:30pm after she did much of the discussing and I did much of the listening. I held her hand in bed for at least 20 minutes to let her know I was there, and that I am praying...not only for R, but for my wife and R's ex-fiance.
In a very rare moment, my wife told me (and in the first time in a long time I believed her) that she loved me, and she rubbed my back for a moment.
Today I called her at work and asked if she had heard any more news. She hadn't. And neither have I. My attempts at calls have been met with endless ringing or answering machines and I'm sure we are in for another evening of awkwardness as it's hard to relax and be social with others on a Friday evening when you want to know how your friends are doing, especially when one is in R's condition.
December 11, 2008
Some very troubling news
My friends....those that check in with me on a semi-regular basis to those that are just stopping by for the first time due to a random click of the mouse or wayward search....I received a very devestating call this afternoon.
I'm trying to suck it up and fight back the tear of sadness one minute and calm my mounting rage the next.
I have a friend a few years younger than me I just learned is in the hospital...on life support....and is fading away by his own choice. To keep his anonymity safe, I'll just call my friend 'R'.
R is one of the nicest men anybody could ever meet, and I am fortunate to know him and call him my friend. But R suffers from depression as well, and from what I am gathering is giving up on life. I wish I knew of this news earlier but he know lives on the opposite side of the country, and as these things happen, we haven't spoke to each other in recent times.
R became sick a couple years back...very sick. Sick enough where he required a liver transplant or else he would have already been dead. He received the said transplant and was on a cocktail of anti-rejection medicine everyday since.
If that wasn't bad enough, like myself he enjoyed the gym and was in great physcial conditioning prior to his illness. He can't work out to the excess he and I once did, and like me, his body slightly atrophied. A hard thing for some to get over when you live in the gym and then the doctors tell you to stay away from lifting heavy weights.
He was also unemeployed for a while due to his disability and struggled like many men do in finding self-worth in a society in which you want to contribute but can't. R was engaged to be married during all this, and as the day to day struggles began to take a toll on him, he slowly began to slip further into a state of depression. As the medical bills kept mounting and he realized his fiance was footing the bills, he slipped even further.
Finally a bright spot appeared on the horizon as he landed a desk job as a disbatcher and it looked as if he found some additional meaning again. It would only be a few weeks later in which the company that just hired him, let him go based on a background check they did and some trouble he had apparantly had gotten into years ago that he didn't think mattered any longer.
Once again unemployed and struggling to keep his spirits up, his fiance broke off their engagement and requested that he move back home with his mother as he sought help to find himself again. It would be a few more months after that when she would send back the puppy he had boughten for her during happier times. Her thinking was 'their' puppy may help keep him company as my own dog did for me during my issues.
This may or may not have been the beginning of the end for R. It's my limited understanding right now that these past few weeks leading up to the holidays has been emotionally very tough for him, and once again he became ill. But this time the sickness was perhaps due to a loss of the inner fire. He has been dealt so many blows the last few years both mentally and physically that it appears he may have thrown in the towel.
He was rushed to the hospital earlier today by his mother, and it appears he has lost the will to live. His organs are shutting down and doctors don't think he'll survive the night.
I'm angry and sad and confused right now. How come I am just hearing about this now? I always told R he could always call me since we shared many of the same struggles. He is a great guy and we had a good friendship. Here I am sitting writing about him right now and he's fading fast in a hospital bed, his mother by his side, thousands of miles away and I can't talk to him.
R knows God, just like I do...but...I don't know....Is he in fact giving up? Is there something I don't know? I can't get a hold of his ex-fiance, but I'm aware she knows and is very distraught herself right now. I don't know what to think....part of me is angry at her right now...even though that is most likely irrational. How do you break up with someone because they hit a rough patch emotionally? How do you send back a dog that someone bought you out of love? But the more I think about it....I also understand her reasonings and I can't blame her. I'm sure she wanted R to get better, and the puppy may have been a painful reminder of a relationship that was never meant to be in the long run.
I suppose I'll hear more later today or tonight....all I can do is pray that he pulls out of it, or that if he does indeed choose to let go, that Jesus is there right now with open arms to wipe away all his tears and may he never feel the pain of this crappy life again.
It's moments like these that my faith becomes tested.
I'm trying to suck it up and fight back the tear of sadness one minute and calm my mounting rage the next.
I have a friend a few years younger than me I just learned is in the hospital...on life support....and is fading away by his own choice. To keep his anonymity safe, I'll just call my friend 'R'.
R is one of the nicest men anybody could ever meet, and I am fortunate to know him and call him my friend. But R suffers from depression as well, and from what I am gathering is giving up on life. I wish I knew of this news earlier but he know lives on the opposite side of the country, and as these things happen, we haven't spoke to each other in recent times.
R became sick a couple years back...very sick. Sick enough where he required a liver transplant or else he would have already been dead. He received the said transplant and was on a cocktail of anti-rejection medicine everyday since.
If that wasn't bad enough, like myself he enjoyed the gym and was in great physcial conditioning prior to his illness. He can't work out to the excess he and I once did, and like me, his body slightly atrophied. A hard thing for some to get over when you live in the gym and then the doctors tell you to stay away from lifting heavy weights.
He was also unemeployed for a while due to his disability and struggled like many men do in finding self-worth in a society in which you want to contribute but can't. R was engaged to be married during all this, and as the day to day struggles began to take a toll on him, he slowly began to slip further into a state of depression. As the medical bills kept mounting and he realized his fiance was footing the bills, he slipped even further.
Finally a bright spot appeared on the horizon as he landed a desk job as a disbatcher and it looked as if he found some additional meaning again. It would only be a few weeks later in which the company that just hired him, let him go based on a background check they did and some trouble he had apparantly had gotten into years ago that he didn't think mattered any longer.
Once again unemployed and struggling to keep his spirits up, his fiance broke off their engagement and requested that he move back home with his mother as he sought help to find himself again. It would be a few more months after that when she would send back the puppy he had boughten for her during happier times. Her thinking was 'their' puppy may help keep him company as my own dog did for me during my issues.
This may or may not have been the beginning of the end for R. It's my limited understanding right now that these past few weeks leading up to the holidays has been emotionally very tough for him, and once again he became ill. But this time the sickness was perhaps due to a loss of the inner fire. He has been dealt so many blows the last few years both mentally and physically that it appears he may have thrown in the towel.
He was rushed to the hospital earlier today by his mother, and it appears he has lost the will to live. His organs are shutting down and doctors don't think he'll survive the night.
I'm angry and sad and confused right now. How come I am just hearing about this now? I always told R he could always call me since we shared many of the same struggles. He is a great guy and we had a good friendship. Here I am sitting writing about him right now and he's fading fast in a hospital bed, his mother by his side, thousands of miles away and I can't talk to him.
R knows God, just like I do...but...I don't know....Is he in fact giving up? Is there something I don't know? I can't get a hold of his ex-fiance, but I'm aware she knows and is very distraught herself right now. I don't know what to think....part of me is angry at her right now...even though that is most likely irrational. How do you break up with someone because they hit a rough patch emotionally? How do you send back a dog that someone bought you out of love? But the more I think about it....I also understand her reasonings and I can't blame her. I'm sure she wanted R to get better, and the puppy may have been a painful reminder of a relationship that was never meant to be in the long run.
I suppose I'll hear more later today or tonight....all I can do is pray that he pulls out of it, or that if he does indeed choose to let go, that Jesus is there right now with open arms to wipe away all his tears and may he never feel the pain of this crappy life again.
It's moments like these that my faith becomes tested.
December 02, 2008
Study: 1 in 5 young adults have personality disorder
I came across this article this morning on FOXnews.com. I'll let you read it on your own for its length, but I found it very interesting and telling.
If you don't want to read it in its entirety, the layman's version is thus: A study was conducted over the course of 2001/2002 with 5,092 young adults. It found that nearly 25% (not quite though) described students experienceing disorders such as anti-socialness, paranoia, obsessive-complusiveness. Many of these behaviors can be linked to violence. Also the study revealed that fewer than 25% of college-aged Americans with mental problems get treatment.
The study cited, and I think I understand the logic, that perhaps some of the causes can be traced from:
If you don't want to read it in its entirety, the layman's version is thus: A study was conducted over the course of 2001/2002 with 5,092 young adults. It found that nearly 25% (not quite though) described students experienceing disorders such as anti-socialness, paranoia, obsessive-complusiveness. Many of these behaviors can be linked to violence. Also the study revealed that fewer than 25% of college-aged Americans with mental problems get treatment.
The study cited, and I think I understand the logic, that perhaps some of the causes can be traced from:
- Alcohol and substance abuse.
- Seperation from secure environments (i.e. away from home and parents)
- Recent campus shootings foster a sense of feeling 'unsafe'.
- Relationship issues and discovering sexuality.
- Facing the realization of possible employment prospects and educational opportunities.
You can probably extrapolate a few other cause and effects in there as well, but I think the gist of teh study suggests (at least what I got out of it) is that young people are becoming more and more ill-prepared in dealing with the transition from childhood to adulthood with increased stress factors coming from all angles. Because they are ill-prepared to deal with the various traumas that 'life' throws at them (especially with no parental/family structure nearby), these young adults are succumbing to the pressures and developing mental instabilities...including depression.
It saddens me to read this because the more I think of it, the more I see the truth in it. Today, we are a society of blogs, text messaging, IM chats, Facebook/MySpace, etc...We are having less and less 'real' face time with other people...including family and God...and using technology to converse with people hiding behind our PC screens. We don't make time for ourselves anymore either.....we tend to think time is more valuable than ever as we contstantly feel rushed or tasked to do something. Remember the old saying: "Take time to smell the roses."? Well, I think we often forget to take the time out and spend 10-15 minutes walking in God's creation, talking with Him, sharing with Him and friends. One can even argue the family dynamic that was perceived to be a 'nuclear family' back in the 1950's is almost non-exsistant today. People marry and divorce more often, come from broken families, don't go to church anymore....and with that, we lose touch of definition of 'family' and personal 'love', and eventually personal responsibility.
This can all lead to various stresses and social traumas, and those that aren't thick skinned, either sink or swim. Those that sink may become depressed, stressed, paranoid, etc. Those that swim may become hard in the heart, indifferent, cold and impersonal...perhaps worse.
Anyway, I'm not really sure how to wrap this up...It's a study and those are my interpretations of them. I suppose in a nutshell, and I have to remind myself of this more and more often......go out and smell the roses. Call your friends up and ask them to lunch and speak with them in person. Interact with your family and discuss topics you normally just gloss over. Pray to God above and meditate with Him and ask for peace.....Your mental health may depend on it.
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