The check is in the mail.

I'd like to think by now that I has steeled myself into having no real thoughts about writing my first alimony check, but despite my efforts, I couldn't help it.

Today was the signing of my first check.

My brain is trying to rationalize it as a "business transaction gone wrong", but a contract is a contract, and despite the outcome, at least I know my word is in fact 'my word' and I will comply.

Although the temptation of writing some heartfelt note to accompany it, or maybe a snarky comment in the blank line section of the check presented itself....I just didn't allow myself get sucked down to that level.  It's better to take the high road and prove myself above the pettiness in the long run.

"They say unto him, Caesar's. Then saith he unto them, Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's; and unto God the things that are God's." (Matthew 22:21)

That scripture just kept coming to my mind the last few days.  This above words were the response Jesus spoke to the Pharisees when asked if Jews should pay taxes to Rome.

Christ is basically saying these are the rules of the land, whether you agree with them or not, you should abide by these man-made rules in the mortal life....however, your spiritual obligations are of a higher order and God will reward the trusting and the obedient faithfully, despite their earthly persecutions.

I also sat down with my HR department today and updated my personal files to reflect new beneficiaries and adjust my Health care coverage.  Perhaps she can sign up for Obamacare if they ever get that website working.

Joel Osteen's message yesterday ("Take Control of Your Happiness") was a repeat, but although I heard it on two previous occassions, it spoke to me yet again this third time.

For those that are wondering, it is is now official....I am legally single again.  There wasn't much fanfare, no parties, no going out and shouting from the rooftops on my behalf.  It was actually pretty quiet.  An email came to me late Thursday afternoon from my attorney stating it was over, and that I'd get a copy in the mail soon (which came on Saturday BTW).

So all that is left is my ex-wife coming to pick up the few belonging she has left.  She was supposed to come next Saturday, but I've already been told she now wants to move it to December 7.

Whatever.

In the meantime I have a new roommate.  He was actually my roommate 11 years ago, and just so happens that certain circumstances came into alignment in which he was looking for a new place to live and I could use the extra money and someone to share my place with.  So it worked out for both of us, and we get along just fine.

So back to Joel Osteen.

The gist of the message was about taking responsibility for our own happiness.  That we need to be vigilant in recognizing where the lines of friendship and manipulation are drawn.  That we are not tasked with providing happiness for others at the expense of our own joy, and those 'relationships' that use guilt as a means of manipulation while putting there own standing first at the expense of others is doomed to breakdown.

He made a great analogy that friendship (or relationships with spouses/family members/etc.) can draw an alegory from aircraft.

See the there are four principles that every pilot is aware of: 1) Lift, 2) Thrust, 3) Weight, & 4) Drag.  It may be overly simplistic, but I think at a cursory glance you can classify any person you are in a relationship with into one of these four categories:

• Lifters: These are your friends or relatiosnhips that pick you up when you are down.  They are the people that are with you through thick and thin.  When you stumble, they are there to comfort, not shy to stop and lend a helping hand...to dust you off..to listen...to be there.
• Thrusters: These are people who motivate you, who wish for your success no matter what and encourage you.  They are the driving force behind you, your supporters, your fans.  The ones that tell you to spread your wings and fly.
• Weighters:  Now these are those you come in contact with that weigh you down.  Always a cloud over their heads, negative, oppressive, life is all drama.
• Draggers: Those that hold you back, always in need, always borrowing, afraid for you to move forward ahead of them so they manipulate situations in their favor to always give you pause.

The key is to surround yourself with the lifters and thrusters and wean off and get rid of those that weigh and drag you down.  A plane cannot take off if it is to heavy, nor can it soar if always moving into a headwind.

I'd throw in one extra category that Joel didn't talk about, but one I though up on my own:

• Coach Class Passengers:  Those people that seem indifferent.  Don't seem to give a rip one way or another and are just trying to get from point A to point B and have no input at all.  Personally I have one friend that fits in this category.  Since day one, has never uttered one word on my situation.  No he didn't weigh me down, or hold me back at all.  But he also didn't bother to lift me up and thrust me forward either.  Just kinda apathetic to the whole thing..and to be honest, his complete silence on the thing also bothers me.

To be the happy, joyful people God wants us to be, is to surrond ourselves with those that will lift us up and thrust us forward.  And to cut the strings of the puppet masters who have us bound by doing their will instead of Gods will.

I take a lot of meaning into this when I really think about my journey the last 10 years.  As a matter of fact, I think about the last 20 years.  See, when I was in college, I tried (not always successfully) to create my own thrust and my own lift, and I had good friends along the way...many of which I am still friends with today.  It was only this past decade or so in which I allowed something to change in myself and I can't tell you the day or event...but clearly I found myself surrounded by the two later groups of people.  Always gossip, always negative, always in need of something.  The happiness they shared with me was only temporary...usually around drinks and happy hour.  The more I think about these people the more I realize how screwed up they are too, but just don't know it.  Or if they do...they do a fine damn job in hiding it from themselves and others.

It wasn't easy...to cut the strings.  After a while, it's all you know so you are complacent and comfortable.  As they say "Misery loves company", and I was surrounded by many a miserable person.

But after I cut the first few strings, it wasn't that bad in the long run.  I don't miss the bitch fests, the round table discussions of who was unfair to whom, and what so-and-so did to what's-their-name. 

Now I'm not saying it wasn't more lonely at first....it was.  When your social circles are full of Wighters and Draggers and you slough them off, there isn't many immediate people left.

But then slowly, through the haze and bluriness, old shapes seem to come back into focus.  You'll notice over time that the Thrusters and Lifters are still there....they were in the background...just waiting for you to clear the tower. 

And you know how I know these are vaulable people?  Because the first thing out of their collective mouths was wondering what happened and ask you to recount all the gory details....they zoom right past that...and pick up where YOU left them off all those years ago and say to you "Hey, lets hang out, let's do something fun and make new memories."

So what about those I deem 'Passengers'?  Well, I'm glad they are/were a part of my life and we've made some journeys together, but there will be no upgrades to First Class or complimentary snacks or drinks coming their way either.  I'm not going out of my way to make special landings for them, but I'm not going to open the door and push them out either.  Time will tell, but the ball in in their court.

T minus 2 days

Well, I just received an email from my attorney and it appears that within the next two days I will be officially a single man again.  He let me know that he hand delivered our signed papers to the court today for filing and they shoudl be ready for pickup sometime on Thursday.

It has been a very long, arduous, sometimes contentious, and overly emotional 21+ months for me.  Most divorces in my state are supposed to take 6 months.  Mine took over three times that long due to a myriad of various factors including, but not limited to: low court resources, a flip-flopping wife, miscommunication between legal teams, and of course my wifes continued denial of proven fact.

In many ways I should be happy.  I should be able to finally take a deep breath of relief, and shake off this horrendous weight on my shoulders and main and look forward to forging a new future and life.  I think about so many people I know who have gotten divorced, and I don't know how they have rebounded as quickly as they have.  I feel like I have been scarred and damaged for life.

In fact, once I read his email again today I actually felt a bit of anxiety creep back in.  This means I have to begin my alimony payments almost immediately; 4 years worth begin with the next few weeks.

I've also been informed that she wishes to pick up some of her last few objects in about a week and half from now.  I haven't had any contact with her since last May.  That's 6 months and I'm somewhat nervous.  I'm not sure why I feel that way.  There is no reason on earth why I should feel nervous or bad.  I didn't do anything wrong to begin with and I need to keep reminding myself almost daily...it was her decisions, not mine, that got us to this point. 

And 21 months later, other than the fact I will pay alimony, I suppose justice did prevail (depending on where you stand).  I get to keep everything I care about.  And she is still broke and owes much money to her lawyers.  Yeah, I may have to give her X amount in money, but my guess is most of it is spoken for or will be used to pay her debts off. 

So, how did that work of for you?

Okay, so that sounded kinda smug.  It shouldn't be.  I lost a lot too.  I'm just drained.  I seriously wish it didn't go down this way, but I won't miss many aspects and situations

Still, I'm not looking forward to that last face to face meeting where I she grabs the remainder of her memories from my house and I look back and have nothing to show for the last ten years except my gray hair.