Fish in a net

“He thought about telling her the agitation he felt every day since the war, the bad dreams, the inability to get excited about much of anything, the times he went to the docks alone and watched the fish pulled in by the wide open nets, embarrassed because he saw himself in those hopeless, flopping creatures, snared and beyond escape” (-Mitch Albom, The five people you meet in heaven)

I read this little paragraph at lunch, and it really struck a cord with me. I had been plugging along in this short little novel and when I came across this on page 113 it was as if I was all alone in the restaurant. All the sounds and actions from the other patrons didn’t seem to register with me, for this one long sentence seemed to describe so many feelings I experience. Though I’ve never been to war, or even in the military, this still resonated with me.

The fact is I used to be able to get excited about a great deal of things, especially when it included the prospect of being with other people or friends that shared the same interests. Whether it be going to the movies, the store, playing a game, or just hanging out.

That changed. I’m not exactly sure when or how. I’m not sure if it was an overnight thing, or it took days, weeks, or even months. I know that my excitement level on a great many of things had diminished. Where my mind reeled with joy at the thought of countless opportunities and adventures, it now seemed indifferent. I enjoyed being alone, and I can’t even be sure if I was happy even then in my solitude. People began to let me down, disappoint me, seemed mundane and predictable. I saw their flaws, and even my own. I wanted a brief reprise. Read books, watch documentaries, play solitaire games.

The quietness was a blessing at first. I seemed more productive on my own, but over time even that began to change. My energy levels weren’t as high, I made more excuses to myself that ‘there is always tomorrow’ so I let a few things slide. I drank alone at night. First it was a beer, then it turned to mixed drinks. Soon, it was just pure whisky or gin on the rocks. Not just one…maybe two or three. I convinced myself it was there to relax me, make me forget about the cruel world and my interpretations of it.

Like the character in the novel, Eddie, I too began strolling metaphorically to my own docks and gazing into the nets of life and wondering how these individual events got ensnared and how they would escape. And again like Eddie, I began to see, and still do, these events as issues in my own life and saw the hopelessness of it all.

Traditional prayer time and weekly pilgrimages to Bible Study and Sunday services seemed to just eat up an hour or so, not really accomplishing anything spiritually within myself, but eating up time on the clock. The secret goal was to shorten the time I was awake until I went to bed again and slip into unconsciousness.

It is better today than it was a year ago, but I still have my moments. I honestly don’t drink as much, but once in a while the intense cravings are there, as though I look forward to going home and hearing that ice rattle in a tumbler, and that initial sip of whisky as it touches my tongue and slaps my head around. The phone still rings and I don’t always want to answer it. I dread the news or drama on the other end.

You know what I catch myself thinking about a lot? More so this last year than any other time in my life? I think about heaven, and with each passing day, that I am one day closer to it. I don’t always think about the perfection, or a new body, or being with Christ in his glory….I think more about leaving this place behind. How I won’t miss certain obligations or responsibilities, or bad news, or drama, or being let down, or just feeling like I am going through the motions. Many people say that ‘life’ in and of itself is a gift from God, and though there are a lot of secular and worldly persecutions we must endure, make the most of it for we only live it once. Or, ‘live life to the fullest’, ‘seize the day’, ‘stop and smell the roses’, etc.

I don’t think much about those clichés at all. I want to be in peace, that is to say my mind. Even now I pray to Christ that He calm my spirit and my mind daily. Sometimes it works, and sometimes the enemy has a field day with me.

Funny how these entries take on a life of their own. I’m not sure really how to finish this entry other than just to finish it. I wasn’t really expecting to go the direction in which I did, it just happened that way.

Depression - Coming to Terms (Part 7)

A continuation of my recognition of Depression.

When I came home that evening from the 'doctor', I had a few pieces of paper folded up neatly in my pocket. The whole drive home seemed to take just a little longer as I had turned off the radio just to hear myself think and run the whole previous meeting in my head numerous times over.

I don't know how many times I disected certain key words: ADHD, Bipolar, medication, Lexapro, Clonzapem, control. Wait, only crazy people are associated with these things right? Was someone who only just met me go on to tell me I have a screw loose?

I pulled into my garage and turned off my engine. I sat in my car a few moments taking deep breaths. I have to collect myself before I walk in the door and my wife asks me the inevitable: "So, what did they say?" And even more imporantly, how was I going to answer?

I decided rather quickly to be honest and quick, maybe play it off a bit as 'that was what I was expecting' and shrug my shoulder as to indicate the guy was a quack.

I walked in the door and straight to the fridge. I wanted an ice tea. Of course my wife was home watching the television , and there was an awkaward momement. Maybe there wasn't as far as she was concerned, but I felt it....at least in my own mind. When she looked at me, I knew the question was comming, and it seemed as if 100 answers filled my head and I could pick anyone of them. Now that I think about it, I was already on the defensive, self-protection mode before anything was even asked.

And then it came....'The' question that is.

I Placed my glas down on the kitchen table and looked at her. She did not get up from the sofa. I was very scared and fearful of her reaction. It could be anything from sarcastic, to non-caring, to pity. Everything negative that is. I did not exepct any support from her or an understanding of 'my' feelings. I mean, this was all in 'my head', not hears, right?

But I was honest. I explained in brief detail on what the doctor told me, and his suggestions that I be put on medication. I am really not sure what I was really expecting as a response from her, so no matter what she did or said I guess would have been a surprise to me.

"Well, I guess you better go get them filled then.", she said.

Part of me was instantly hurt. I thought I just bared my soul to some quack, and now I come home to my wife for some empathy, and all I got was a very non-chalant "Well, I guess you better go get them filled then."

"Okay", was all I could muster, and I wnet back to doing nothing and she went back to the TV. I'm not sure what either of our strategy was at this time....Maybe hers was to not talk about it because she knew I was already embarrassed and ashamed, maybe she knew not to rub salt on an open wound, maybe she thought she could just roll with it and we just won't talk about 'my crazy husband'. I'm sure my thoughts weren't that much different.

I do know that I became super sensitive to all the 'Prozac', or 'depression' related commercials on TV. It seemed that when they came on I was to frozen to say anything, lest I bring up my own situation, or somehow relate it back to me.

Even today, when television shows even *hint* that a character has an 'issue', I seem to tense up, even more so with my wife in the room. I am awaiting her to ask me I suppose "So, are you feeling depressed today? Do you want to hurt yourself?" I guess I am scared of her to ask me, because I still don't know if I can ever answer truthfully.

To be continued.....

Storm + 4

It's been four days since I walked. This morning I awoke very early...4am, and decided I could not sleep. I got up and watched television for a bit.

You'd think I'd be able to relax and enjoy my last few days off, and the remainder of this week before I start my new career, but alas, it's not as easy as I was hoping.

I tried to do the right thing on Friday and speak with the agency that found me the job, but no one was around. I finally got a call late in the day at my house and they asked me what happened. I didn't want to drag everything in the mud, so I stayed very genric in my answers. Part of me was so relieved to be out, but another part of me was still beating myself up for the uncertaintyof it all.

It really hasn't gotten any better.

I mean, I am happy I am not there any longer, but this morning I was riddled with anxiety. My chest was tight and I took numerous deep breaths. I probably shouldn't have had two cups of coffee this morning, and it looks pretty dreary (overcast) outside today.

I think I may take myself to the movies. I used to do that all the time....by myself. Two hours where the outside world did not exist. I think I am going to do that again today.

And pray.

My prayers at 4am this morning made no sense, and I am not really sure my heart was in it. They were more like automatic repsonses, like I was on auto-pilot. I feel bad I also missed church this past Sunday....with Mothers Day and all. I spent it with my mom, but I was tired. My mind was also elsewhere, reliving the past few days events over in my head as if they were an 8mm loop.

A lesson I haev not learned yet. Letting go. The proof is in my anxiety. I seriously think someday I will have a heart attack. Not from my diet, but from stress. I imagine my heart valve and certain arteries straining under the adrenaline and negative hormones and the self imposed high blood pressure. I may go to the gym today too. Maybe a half hour of exercise will help alleviate pent up energy. At the very least, it will be another half hour which I forget about the rest of the world.

That's a common desire/reward that comes about in my mind. Escape. Forgetting the world one hour at a time. Some people may shun that idea, think I am a coward for running away. But that is when it is the most quiet. I relish those moments in time where there is no time.

Calm before the Storm?

Well, today is the day.

I have made a decision in my life to help me move forward, and I cannot help but wonder if it truly is the right thing.

I was at peace last night for the first time in a long time. I actually slept pretty soundly and did not wake up at some ridiculous hour. Before I hit my pillow, I prayed a silent prayer inside my head asking God to reassure me. Though I did not receive an audible answer or an immediate 'gut feeling' within, perhaps the answer was a good night sleep.

I came to work today, most likely for the very last time at with this company, and again I seem to see-saw between nervous butterflies and a strange calmness. I accepted a letter of intent yesterday with another company and sent it to them after hours, and I have been trying to confirm they received it this morning before I do anything drastic. I'd say it's a 99.9% lock, but I'd still like the verbal response they did receive my acceptance before I resign later today. That is not going to go over to well...

I do feel a certain amount of guilt paigns about this today, but I truly want to believe that God presented this other opportunity to me for a reason, and that I learned a very long, but humbling lesson from Him. To be patient through difficult times, and that only when I realize that He is in control and my heart was in a better place would he open the doors for me.

I spoke with another Christian today and shared my feelings. The guilt paigns are a result of my work ethic. Despite all the other difficulties, mindsets, and moods I have been experiencing, I always had a heart to work hard and give it my all. However, in this case the employer has never put me first, and while I struggle with walking away on a job I believe I am good at and want to help people, the culture here has made it evident they will never help me. Specifically the team I work with. I'm sad to say that the team I work with is not really a team at all, though I despretely always wanted to work with them and have never said 'no' to any of their requests.

Not once.

But as actions speak louder than words, it is through long observation that I know each member is in for themselves only, and I cannot work anymore under those conditions.

It may sound as if I think 'I know better than they', or maybe slightly egotistical. I wish I could find the right words to describe the unpleasant nature and selfish ethics of my peers, but I can only say you have to 'live it to understand it'.

So, for the first time ever in my life, I plan on quitting today with no notice. To walk out the door at the appropriate time and never look back. It's scary, and believe me, I am not taking this lightly.

Anxiety & Bipolar curiosity

My anxiety levels have been a little elvated the last few days. I have a huge life decision to make within the next 24-48 hours that will affect my career and I note that I'm a little 'uneasy'.

This morning I awoke just after 2am and had a hard time falling back to sleep. My mind was thinking about the decision I have to make, and the best way for me to handle it, and the least painful for all. I ended up taking two aspirin PM tablets that also help put one to sleep. I finally did fall back alseep, but not before 4:30am and soon, I was up again by 5:45 and feeling very groggy.

I'm not sure why I felt the need to search WebMD today on Bipolar disorders, Lexapro, and Clonazepam, but I did. I've been on Lexapro before (now currently off), and I only take Clonazepam when I feel a panic attack or anxiety start to really take hold. I had one in my pocket all day yesterday, just in case, but I didn't end up taking it afterall. I'll be honest, I do like its effects from time to time....the calmness and the wierd euphoria I sometimes feel. Something analagous to be inebriated but without the alcohol.

As far as Bipolar reading, I think I have convinced myself it may indeed be true of me. I was 'diagnosed' by a therapist 2 years ago about being Bipolar, but it was a hard sell to me. 1st, the therapist only knew me all of 20 minutes, and second, I led such a healthy lifestyle I couldn't fathom my brain not working correctly, or the chemicals off kilter, or whatever. It's definetly something I don't tell anybody, even my family, because I'm really not sure if I am or not. Of course I guess anyone can believe they have something if a few symptoms seem logical. I just don't want to carry that stigma around with me.....that I'm Bipolar. And certainly don't want to use it as a crutch or have people look at me differently.

I've been praying for God's wisdom in this matter...not the pill taking per-se, but how to handle the decision and situation He may have placed in front of me. I've been praying for months on end for a change to present itself, and now that it has, I'm scared to leap. Very typical of me....a lack of faith and a lack of trust.

It seems I always question the answers that are presented to me, and only make things even more complex than ever intended. I often wonder if they are really from Him, or am I so desperate to believe they are I convince myself of that fact when it may not be true to begin with.

I seriously need some mental rest. I really need to just sit down for a week and do nothing but listen to jazz music, or read a book, or meditate on the things I enjoy doing....and actually do them.

Decisions, patience, humbling, prayer

I'm not even sure I know how to begin this entry.

The last few months seems like it has been one continous trial after another for me. Many times, it seems as if the the lines get blurred between issues and I often wonder how I do it. Better yet, am I actually doing 'it' at all?

Two days ago my anxiety seemed to have crept back up. The last week I have awoken every day before dawn, and the first thing I think of is work. That's inherently wrong, and stressful.

I took a clonzapem the other day to help alleviate the tightness in my chest. Work has taken a toll on me emotionally and mentally. And as a result, like my past episodes of depression, I have taken these troubles home and they have affect my home life. My relationship with my wife, and even my own overall hapiness.

I've spent numerous hours in prayer, almost a contsant non-stop vigile in prayer about everything. Of course myself, but also my family, my friends, world situations, friends of friends, and non-believers as well. Sometimes so much I wonder if I just sound like I'm babbling. My prayers sometimes run together and I even begin to lose my train of thought.

Last week it was so tough at work, I was so close to walking out, but realizing that it would cause only momentary relief, I also was rational enough to know I need a job with a mortgage and other bills. So I did the next best thing....I updated my resume yet again and sent them out.

Jesus knows I am unhappy in my current role, and its slowly but surely killing me. Robbing days if not weeks off of my mortal life with the mounting pressures. My mother relates to me a sad story a week or so back about a young man, married, who committed suicide because of external pressures. My dad also recently recounted a tragic story with no real answers of a young single lady from our family church who also committed suicide the other day. I'd be lying if I didn't say I secretly understand them. I'm also starting to believe despite Catholic doctrine that suicide is not an 'unforgiveable' sin.

Then the phone rang twice this past week. I had been selected for two interviews. The calls came shortly after I was about to lose my fuse at work. God is indeed answering me, and showing light at the end of the tunnel. Oh how I look forward to the day I can leave my current position for something far less stressful.

Both interviews went extremely well, despite me calling in sick, So well in fact that one called me yesterday to let me know they will be extending an offer to me this week. The other also called and wants me to come in for a second interview next week.

Now I have the potential to decide between two offers. Offers that were not available to me the last 7 months. Perhaps it took this long in God's timing that I be humbled and reminded that things could be much worse.

Of course I am still awaiting the formal offers, and nothing is set in stone until a letter of intent is presented to me, and I in turn sign it. It is both scary and a blessing at the same time. I'm scared because there is always a gut wrenching feeling of "Am I truly making the right decsion?" "Will things be better if I throw caution to the wind?" "Did God present these to me to show me that he is listening and realizes that I am that unhappy and showing me a way out?"

I believe this is indeed a blessing. I think God wanted me to exhaust every avenue I could in dealing with my current situation, but in the end realizing I cannot do it without Him, and that I had to put my trust into Him.

Again, even this morning, I had little sleep. Stress still gets to me, and I awoke at 4:15am to find myself once again in prayer asking Jesus to calm my spirit and quiet my mind. Yesterday was another tough day at work, and I was glad to leave. I then however reminded myself of these possible offers and it did change my outlook for today. I promised myself that I would not allow my current employers to have power over me like they have been. Oh, I am still doing my work, and I will do it good for as long as I am here....that's my nature. But I am looking forward to the day soon in which I can resign and take a week off to collect my thoughts and relax.

Dealings with Lust and Shame

Depression is generally coupled with various emotions, most of them generally of the nuetral or negative conotations.

These emotions fluctuate seemingly at will. Sometimes they are intense cravings only for a few moments, other times that linger longer than I would personally like them to. They often morph and swirl about in my brain until my original thought ends up taking me down a completly different path and opening another set of thoughts and beliefs. These beliefs and griefs, and burdens can weigh me down one minute, and like a vapor dissapate shortly thereafter. The overall sense is a sense of lonliness and and in extreme cases abandonment, resentment, bitterness. And finally, in a moment of muddled clarity, I often look in the mirror and wonder how did I allow these things to happen? Where was the point in which I lost control? Did I ever even have control, or did I just falsly believe I did.

In the end, I'm not sure it really matters.

I know I feel alone at times. Not all the time, but enough where it my mind has a certain way of reminding me even if try not to think about it.

In order to cure lonliness, we become desperate at times. God recognized that Man should not be alone and needed companionship above that of the animals he had dominion over, so he created woman. And they lived happily with each other until the original sin.

What was once beautiful was now infected and tainted. New emotions rose to the surface: insecurity, envy, jealousy, lust. Note that these are negative emotions and God warns us against them, to pray to Christ for strength in the face of temptation.

But man in his lonliness is impatient. His soul is torn between a spiritual fullfillment from God, and quick, tangible fullfillment and quick gratification in choosing the easier path. For humans, the easier path is just that....easier...and not of God's will for us. But try explaining that to a person who has felt alone for so long, even in the midst of family and friends, and church. Why can I say this? Because I feel I often fall into that same category.

I know people love me. They care for me. They pray for me. But I often wonder do they 'get' or 'understand' me. Soon my heart and mind take over and calls out to me this is a spiritual condition and I cast away the righteous path for a path with the least resistance, and a path I know that Satan tempts me to walk down.

I'm sad to say I have walked down that path more than I care to admit.

Lonliness is most likely a condition of the heart, but I guess to say the tactile feeling of anothers warm touch, and the mind itself play important roles in all this. Lonliness brings out the fantasies and desires rooted in basic human touch, needs and even lust.

When alone, my mind wanders....to her, and to her, and yes even her over there. There's a biblical verse that says if you look and sin with your eye, it is best to gauge it out than to be tempted and commit sin within the heart. Quite frankly, I'd be blind many times over.

Is sex the answer? Is lust and physical stimulation the answer? It may relieve short term issues, but trust me, the lonliness and desires always have a way of finding their ways backs to top and thus the cycle repeats.

For me, afterwards, comes shame. Internal spiritual condemnation. A quick high is just as quickly replaced for a need of repentance and asking of forgiveness. Lord, why did my 'eye' stray? Is there nothing else to fill the void? Medicine? Pills? Yet even more prayer?

I want to be joyous and happy and give glory to Him, but in my path, I often get the righteous path confused with the quick path. Shame often rides upon my shoulder and dwells inside me. Shame that my eyes strayed. Shame that my faith isn't strong enough. Shame that the easier path is more attractive than the right path.