Depression - Filling the Meds (Part 8)

Note: This post is looong overdue. It is a continuation of of a series of posts I want to share with you all in hopes that I not only help myself, but help someone else out there as well who may be going through the same things I did and occasionally still do. I'm not sure if depression in curable. Sometimes I equate it in my mind with cancer....as if it is always there just under the surface...perhaps currently in remission by both medication and God's grace, but the knowledge it may rear its ugly head again scares me.

So here I was standing at the pharmacy counter of my local CVS. Just the day before I had seen a 'shrink' and came home to my wife and explained to her that in not so many words that he would like to put me on Lexapro and Clonapen. There was still a portion of me that was in denial and disbelief. Again, when I look in the mirror, I see a pretty well fit and athletic guy....a guy who used to have a lot of friends and was considered the 'life' of the party. A decent looking guy that before he was married had no problem dating. But here I was...feeling alone, and tense, and unhappy, and nervous, and most of all ashamed of myself.

Ashamed of what, I cannot fully describe or put into exact words. Here I was, again, with a slip of paper with some scribble on it....a tangible reminder staring back at me and telling me I was a failure. I hated being married right then and there. I loathed trudging back into work and dealing with people I believed to be a hinderance and a contsant annoyance to me. I was empty spiritually, though deep down there was a gnawing at my heart...perhaps I was hungry a relationship with Him and just didn't know it yet. Heck...I was going going to church...but more out of obligation and guilt than I was getting fed....but at the time I didn't really care. While I though the notion of God abandoning me was 'not right', I did feel I was on perpetual 'hold' with Him.

When the young pharmacist took my slip and acknowledged me, I couldn't help but wonder if she was looking at me with judging eyes. Perhaps she too thought I was a loser, and she'd treat me with kid gloves. I had a hard time making eye-contact with her as I felt I just wanted to get out of there. Finally she took my information and told me to come back later, after work, for my pick-up. Great, just great....now I have to think about this all day, and return in a walk of shame to come and pick up my 'happy pills'.

Work that day just seemed like any typical day....going through the motions....checking the clock every so often. Why are people so stupid, I thought. Here I sit putting on a happy face, while deep down inside I wanted zero interaction with anyone.

All this time I thought I was doing a decent job of hiding my moods, but apprantly I wasn't fooling anybody except myself. In time I would learn that many of my coworkers, while they still liked me....did indeed think I had changed...that I looked more weary and tired.

That evening I picked up by vials of pills and came home. Thankfully my wife wasn't home, and I took my first Lexapro in silence. I knew nothing was going to happen right away. I am smart enough to know it was going to take a few days for my body to regulate and start adjusting to the synthetic chemicals in my body and trick my brain into who-knows-what.

I tried to hide the bottles that night. I didn't want my wife to see these obvious orange containers as a reminder that her husband who is strong on the outside is weak in the inside, ready to crack at a moments notice. Little good it did me as for when she got home that evening, the first thing she quizzed me on is if I picked up my 'medicine'. Oh, is that what we are calling it? My 'medicine'? Heck, I don't know what I wanted it called....I basically didn't want to talk about it at all. It would be my little secret, not to be shared with family, friends, church, co-workers, neighbors....anyone. Just my wife and my shrink.

To be continued.....

Make a Joyful Noise...or at least listen to them.

"Even an angel can end up falling
Don't you cry, because you're crawling
Start again, it's a beautiful morning
For satellites

Well, they said it was time for changing
Rise and shine
Everybody's making it, but you
And they told you to trust your dreaming
But it's hard to believe a feeling
That you just don't know

Even an angel can end up falling
Don't you cry, because you're crawling
Start again, it's a beautiful morning
For satellites

You've been trying to walk on water
In the end everybody
Walked all over you
Now, you don't like the sight of mirrors
Cause you're scared that the face
You'll see, will look just like before"

- excerpts from 'Satellites', by September.

Let me first say, in case you are wondering (and I suspect a few of you are), that the angels in this song are not referring to heavenly/spiritual angels of God, but to people we think are super special here on earth, and come to find out, they have issues just like everyone else does, because they are in fact human.

Now that that is out of the way, I wanted to share this song with you. If you ever get a chance to hear it, please try to, a few times. One time listen to the lyrics (I didn't post them all here), then the next, listen to the 'music'...that's right, listen to the melody and the beat and the synthesizers. It's actually an upbeat tune...it should be...it's on the European and American dance charts.

So why did I post this song? Well, I suppose number one, I cannot get it out of my head the last few days, and maybe the only reason for that is that I am 'meant' to share it. I dunno. I also think because the lyrics speak so much to me...."Don't you cry, because you're crawling, Start again, it's a beautiful morning" How cliche, but how true indeed!!

When I was going through my depression, my mother bought me a gospel CD. She believed that the words and music, even if I wasn't really paying attention, would help me on a subconscious level to lift my spirits. I'm not so sure about that, but I can't deny the idea or logic behind it.

I do know that music does indeed have an effect on me.

When I was into weightlifting before my surgeries, certain genres of music or certain songs really got my adrenaline pumping. I swear I could lift an extra 10 lbs, or I had an extra set in me if I was listening to something with a lot of energy.

Certain songs also made me feel invincible. Who can deny the Rocky Theme when about to undergo some physical test? Or maybe "I can't drive 55" when getting behind the wheel of a fast car. The Superman Theme and the Imperial March (from Star Wars) always made me feel a few inches taller and my stride much more solid.

The same is for depression and happiness. I'm happy to say, for the most part, I have been more at peace with life in general the last few weeks than I had been before for years. Sure, there are those few news stories and topical incidents that can put a minor damper on things, and I'm not around skipping or throwing daisies in the air...but I do feel better overall.

I'm sure that God has much to do with this, but if it isn't spiritual, then I know the immediate effects of music.

One of the reason's 'Satellites' resonates with me so much now is that I sit in my car, twice a day, in traffic for about 30 minutes each way, to and from work. During that time I figure I'm enclosed in my little glass and steel shell, and what better way than to surround myself with upbeat and energetic music? One nice thing about my car is that I have an 8 speaker system (including 2, 10" sub woofers) I listen to XM radio, specifically the BPM channel...dance music 24x7. I crank my stereo up, and before you know it I am in my own Flash Dance session!.

I am surrounded by beats and thumps and strong vocal. The energy pours out of my speakers, and my soul is like a sponge and I try and gather each drop. When I get out of my car I feel a few years younger. I feel like I can lift those weights again! I feel 'okay' with the world and those within it. And I thank God above for these artists talents, and the ears that I am given to hear them. I thank God for the serotonin released within my head.

Go ahead....Try it....Let loose just once....who cares what the others driving next to you think. For those few minutes, you are at the concert of your choice, and it's just you. Turn it up...Sing...Make a joyful noise in His honor. Let the music penetrate your every pore and feel good about it for a few minutes.

Forgiveness...Is it possible amongst men?

"If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins." (NLT, Matthew 6:14-15)

Today is 9/11 and I'm sure like most Americans and others across the globe, this day is a significant day in social history. Over 3000 people died this day six years ago in an event that unfortunately plays itself over and over almost more often than one would think in other countries and in other times past that don't always make the news. And just as unfortunately, it usually revolves around religious ideologies.

When I awoke this morning my mind was dueling with my heart regarding the forgiveness of fellow our fellow man. I have learned to forgive over the years, but I haven't mastered the concept...whether in dealing with others or even myself.

I've been angry at myself many times in the past for situations I have put myself in, or made foolish decisions about, ending up hurting someone I cared for, myself, or my walk with God. I haven't always forgiven everybody because of stubborness, or just the fact I don't want to thnk about those things anymore.

September 11, 2001. Six years later I still get angry. Angry at certain cultures. Angry at certain relisions, ideologies, mindsets and to be honest...sometimes I wish God's wrath would be strong today as it was in the old testament, but then I remind myself that I too am a sinner...daily in fact....and that wrath is just as equally justified against me than it is other heinous men and their actions.

Yet Christ has the power and the gift to forgive.....

...And I struggle to do the same....

...and I fail.

I had been thinking about this concept of forgiveness today in regards to my ownself and how I feel about people, and maybe I was getting closer to an understanding...and then a news story totally unrelated to 9/11 shattered that concept.

Stories: Tobey the Dog part 1 & Tobey the Dog part 2

The gist of the story is this: 3 teen boys, ages 12, 14 & 16 stole a neighbors young small dog...and tortured it to death. They took turns throwing the dog out of a two story window until the dogs legs were broken. At that point they hung it from a tree, beat it like a pinata, until the dog was decapiated. Arresting officers say the boys have shown no remorse.

I read this story in horror and the following thoughts and emotions came to me:

1. Deep sadness and empathy for the little girl whose dog was stolen and killed. Can you imagine the scars she will now carry the rest of her life?


2. Empathy for God's creation in Tobey, the dog... I cannot fathom the cruelty placed upon him, his being scared as to why this was happening, where his owner was, and when would it end? Did Christ feel this way when he was being dragged to his crucifixition? I imagine so, but 100 times more!


3. What was wrong with these boys? What would prompt them? No feelings of remorse? What chance do these three have in society as they grow up?


4. My own anger! I'm honest in saying this is why I say I loathe people! I want to take each boy and inflict a measure of my own carnal justice.


5. Forgiveness. How can I? Can I forgive them as easily as Christ can knowing the stae of their hearts. Through his mercy and grace can he forgive these boys. While I am commanded by Christ to love my neighbor and my enemy, I feel I have yet failed again. My anger burns hard and deep right now. My heart both cries in pain and turns to stone again at the thought of my fellow man.

How can I forgive? It is so easily said and commanded by our savior, yet it seems my own capacity diminshes with each passing day.

All I can do is pray for this young girl and her family and trust the Lord gives her peace. I also pray that these boys someday will indeed feel remorse and ask for forgiveness and that Christ will grant it to them. I also pray for myself for my mind is clearly in control when I think of this, and forgiveness is so far from my being right now....

Neighborhood Drama - Part II

Sorry it's been a few days since the last post. I tweaked my back and have been in a bit of pain, nothing a little rest and aspirin haven't fixed. The problem with breaking up a post like this from the last is that when a few days past, my mood changes slightly and the overall train of thought and tone tends to change.

I can say, I'm proud of my wife. She has remained pretty strong the last few days and hasn't gone back to the neighbor to try and work things out, which I think for the time being is a wise move.

I'm a little surprised (or maybe I'm not) that the offending neighbor hasn't tried to call my wife to apologize either. Tonight my wife will be going out with some of her more mature girlfriends from work to celebrate a birthday among the group, which I'm happy for. She won't be around tonight to hang out with the neighborhood crowd.

I did catch her talking to one neighbor on the phone though earlier this week who confided in my wife that she also felt something was awry on that 'end' of the block. I had mixed feelings about that call. On one hand I told my wife that she really lets to need this drop right now and not get sucked into anything, saying something she may regret later. On the other hand the caller was more 'proof' to me, and my wife for that matter, that there is 'evil' (for lack of a better word) afoot and as Christians we must vigilant and pray. Pray for our emotional protection, pray for our ethical and moral dilemmas, and pray that non-believers see the folly of denial of a higher power and that a softening of the heart takes place.

Saturday night I'll be taking my wife out, which has a secondary beneficial effect of once again seperating her from bad influence on the street. The big test will come next Monday when she is supposed to go bowling and may find herself in an awkward position of having to re-visit what happened last week with the woman who gave her a hard time. I'm not sure who's more scared, my wife or myself.

Neighborhood Drama - Part I

I really don't often get the chance to minister or evangelize to my wife, nor am I sure I am mature enough in Christ to find the exact words, or qualified to be handing out sage advice knowing my past troubles, insecurities, and without looking like a hypocrite.

That's one thing that has been a self-stumbling block of mine for years and it oxymoronic when I think about it. My own pride and whats left of my ego prevents me from standing out in a crowd in fear of being labeled a hypocrite, for I am quite aware of my short comings. I'm probably more conscious of my faults than anyone else and self-judgemental, and I always have this inner dialogue reprimanding myself "Who is going to listen to you...when you yourself are so unworthy and are a sinner?"

That's something I will have to work out on my own I suppose...in time.

Anyway, my wife came in from the neighborhood BBQ, a little tipsy, but in tears. It was late, and I had already removed myself from the party a few hours earlier, just looking for a nice hot shower and some sound sleep. Instead, I found I got very little sleep at all.

God does indeed work in mysterious ways, and just now as I write this do I realize that once again, it is in His timing, not mine.

There is an individual on my street that is a self proclaimed atheist. Even before I knew she was, I told my wife once when she asked what my issue was with her (because I guess she sensed my overly cautious stance with the neighbor), I simply said that my 'spider-sense' was tingling...that I could not put my finger on it, but be careful. "You can be be friends with her, but guard your words." My wife thought I was a little too protective and had no basis for my feelings. Then we found out she was a very adamant and outspoken (usually under the right circumstances....alcohol involved) atheist.

So my wife walks into our bedroom at about midnight in tears. I ask what is wrong, but I can tell alcohol is involved as my wife speech was slightly off. She went on to explain she had a falling out with the neighbor this evening, and that the neighbor had made some very unfounded, unfair, and harsh generalizations about my wife's friendship with her, our marriage, and placed my wife in the middle of some 'warring' neighbors.

It's not important or even relevant to as why two sets of neighbors are warring, just that my wife and I have taken a neutral stance...not wanting to get involved...because it's not our place, we don't want to pick side on something we don't know about, and we don't want to add fuel to the fire. I tell my wife that is why I remove myself sometimes from these neighborhood situations, because though I may be silent and in the background, I see and observe things that don't sit well with me and I can see the tension that no one else can.

My wife feels that she has lost a friend, and not sure even what happened, and why this neighbor was so 'mean' and condemning. I tried to calm her down the best way I could, and remind her it's late, it was hot outside, people were drinking, and people say things they don't really mean under these circumstances. (Personally, I am not positive this person was ever my wife's 'friend' to begin with....just someone who uses her.)

My wife wanted to go back and rip into this person, but I rationally explained that it would make her look vindictive, add more fuel to the fire, and not accomplish anything in the end, other than give the neighbor one more reason to abhor Christians. All we can do is sit tight, hold your head up high, sleep on it, guard your words and actions, and pray.

I told my wife I had been praying for this neighbor all week....not necessarily to be our friend, but for her salvation. I may not see eye-to-eye, or like being around this person, but that doesn't mean I want to see her in hell. I am commanded by Christ to pray for her soul, and try not to judge, but through our examples lead her to God. Easier said than done, but never give up. (Funny I say 'never give up', when I myself wanted to throw in the towel so many times before.)

I went further to explain some of the observations I have witnessed over the last few weeks and months and it all seemed to make sense to my wife, like a light went on inside her head, and she started to see how events unfold over time and that this person is a cause for strife and anxiety and a divider. I equated these actions to the actions of Satan, how he tries to divide us, to confuse us, to take the things we hold sacred (like friendships) and when the moment is right....STRIKE. I explained the reason she was here crying now and the other person wasn't was that because my wife has some semblance of the spirit inside her, and because she cares. That's what separates her from others, like me....I cry as a man because people let me down, and I get sad, and I care...too much at times.

To be continued....