Aside from everything else going on in my life, the past few months have been have been plagued with various, random tragedies that made me suddenly stop and help remind me to reflect on the more important things in life instead of all the negativity and bitterness that seemingly surrounds me as of late.
This past Monday evening I received a brief and somber text from the gentleman who leads my Saturday morning men's group we lovingly dubbed 'The Joy Luck Club', because it is anything but.
The message just stated that one of our brethren passed away, suddenly and unexpectedly that evening from causes yet to be revealed. It stunned me and didn't even sink in right away. What? How? Huh? No, I don't believe - these were my first few thoughts. The man in question (name to be kept private) was a friend of mine probably in his early to mid 50's. He had struggled with alcohol, drugs, and other poor decisions throughout the majority of his life....in and out of rehab and prison on numerous occasions....when he was younger.
Within the last few years, he found God, and was doing his utmost to turn his life around. I didn't know him through his earlier, bad and dark times. When I joined the group, my separation from my wife was new, I hadn't officially filed yet. For him, he just got out of a divorce he also did not want....which was painful and tough on him and he knew the trials and tribulations and emotions I would soon be facing because he just experienced the whole gamut himself.
I only knew him as the man who had a dry and quick wit. Who knew his bible verses, who often prayed for me and my wife, who volunteered when and where he could, a good listener, who attended daily AA meetings. A man desperately trying to put his past behind him and break the various chains of bondage that plagued him for so long and be reborn into a new life...one in which he could laugh, feel free, make new friends, start over.
And then it ended without warning.
A few weeks ago my grandmother died as well. She was 88 years old, the mother of my own mother. She too died suddenly, and I didn't get to say goodbye to her either. I haven't even properly grieved that loss other than shed a few tears here and there, but I feel guilty I didn't call more often.
The leader of our men's group.....his son died in a horrible motorcycle accident about 5 months ago and he has been somber and changed ever since. I don't blame him, and don't have the words to soothe him. Hell, I'm a mess half the time myself.
My grandfather just turned 96. He's slowly fading. Every day he gets more and more depressed. My family is trying to put him in an assisted living home....but he is stubborn, and has moments of extreme alertness, peppered with random moments of senility and 'accidents'. He is not long for this world either and his faith in God and Christ as his saviour are shaky at best.
I've been off my medication for a few months now. And despite all this crap, I am sleeping a bit better and other side effects are minimal.
But I am thinking I am reaching that point in my life where I attend more funerals than birthdays. I hear more about divorce than I hear about marriage announcements. Everything seems to be a blur to me anymore....I'm just trying to find the time to do laundry and unload the dishwasher anymore.
I don't even know how I want to end this post. I guess I just really miss the innocence and ignorance of my youth.
October 31, 2013
October 29, 2013
An unexpected email
I was very surprised last night when I checked my email and saw a name I don't see very often.
There was an email from my Brother-in-law.
The last time we spoke was back in April this year (6.5 months) when my he was to moderate and observe my wife taking some of her belongings from my house.
I don't know exactly how to describe my relationship with him. I can tell you he is a loving husband and father who places his family as a priority. He is fairly intelligent. He seems, for the most part, to be a very fair and high in integrity. That being said, he also likes to 'right', and while I've never seen him raise his voice to anyone, he can, at times, come across very stern and stronger than he needs to be, He likes to make his point and to be heard, but doesn't draw on an on.
Our 'friendship' has always been cordial and he's polite towards me, but we just don't always 'click'. I've been told I have a great sense of humor when I'm a happy person...where he is pretty dry. Not that he's a dour person, or unhappy, just doesn't express it well towards other men. Sometimes his advice, while with good-intentions behind it, sometimes feels like a back handed insult or a 'talking-down' to.
Anyway, he sent me an email last night and wanted to share with me a program he is in the middle of at his church and wanted to turn. It's called "authenticated manhood". I'm going to look it up for myself, but he mentioned, as politely as he could a conversation he had with me sometime back that I needed to "grow a pair" and perhaps I'm more of a mama's boy. At the time it was kind of offensive to me because over the course of our history together, he never really spent anytime with either of my parents, or even me for that matter, to make that kind of determination.
However, I do recognize with me looking back today on past events, I did defer a lot of situations or looked the other way as only to avoid a confrontation with my wife. I 'shrank' in my role as both a leader and a husband and more andmore allowed my wife to do as she wished just so I could avoid an argument. In a nutshell, she wore the pants in my house and took my 'man card'.
Well, as humbling and perhaps unwanted as it is, I will allow for the fact that maybe he was right to a certain degree...it was just his 'delivery' of the past messages I didn't warm up to. And now that her family did a 180 on me, the fact he is reaching out to me at all is a surprise. I could have just ignored the message, deleted it, of replied with a snark....I instead took the opportunity to write back.
I wished him, his family, and especially the kids only the best. I let him know that perhaps he was right and I am taking steps to get my spine back. I'm sure my ex is presenting it in such a way that I am the devil right now, not budging, etc., etc., etc. So I am killing him with kindness. I offered an olive branch to him and his family I have no ill-will towards them and told him I would like to one day repair our fragmented relationship. So, I will take him up on his offer and look into this program, and hopefully learn something for myself.
I just hope he can do the same and be objective and see through the B.S. that has been told the last 20 months and realize I did infact put my foot down with my wife and won't (and don't have to) put up with her shit anymore.
Ball is in his court now.
There was an email from my Brother-in-law.
The last time we spoke was back in April this year (6.5 months) when my he was to moderate and observe my wife taking some of her belongings from my house.
I don't know exactly how to describe my relationship with him. I can tell you he is a loving husband and father who places his family as a priority. He is fairly intelligent. He seems, for the most part, to be a very fair and high in integrity. That being said, he also likes to 'right', and while I've never seen him raise his voice to anyone, he can, at times, come across very stern and stronger than he needs to be, He likes to make his point and to be heard, but doesn't draw on an on.
Our 'friendship' has always been cordial and he's polite towards me, but we just don't always 'click'. I've been told I have a great sense of humor when I'm a happy person...where he is pretty dry. Not that he's a dour person, or unhappy, just doesn't express it well towards other men. Sometimes his advice, while with good-intentions behind it, sometimes feels like a back handed insult or a 'talking-down' to.
Anyway, he sent me an email last night and wanted to share with me a program he is in the middle of at his church and wanted to turn. It's called "authenticated manhood". I'm going to look it up for myself, but he mentioned, as politely as he could a conversation he had with me sometime back that I needed to "grow a pair" and perhaps I'm more of a mama's boy. At the time it was kind of offensive to me because over the course of our history together, he never really spent anytime with either of my parents, or even me for that matter, to make that kind of determination.
However, I do recognize with me looking back today on past events, I did defer a lot of situations or looked the other way as only to avoid a confrontation with my wife. I 'shrank' in my role as both a leader and a husband and more andmore allowed my wife to do as she wished just so I could avoid an argument. In a nutshell, she wore the pants in my house and took my 'man card'.
Well, as humbling and perhaps unwanted as it is, I will allow for the fact that maybe he was right to a certain degree...it was just his 'delivery' of the past messages I didn't warm up to. And now that her family did a 180 on me, the fact he is reaching out to me at all is a surprise. I could have just ignored the message, deleted it, of replied with a snark....I instead took the opportunity to write back.
I wished him, his family, and especially the kids only the best. I let him know that perhaps he was right and I am taking steps to get my spine back. I'm sure my ex is presenting it in such a way that I am the devil right now, not budging, etc., etc., etc. So I am killing him with kindness. I offered an olive branch to him and his family I have no ill-will towards them and told him I would like to one day repair our fragmented relationship. So, I will take him up on his offer and look into this program, and hopefully learn something for myself.
I just hope he can do the same and be objective and see through the B.S. that has been told the last 20 months and realize I did infact put my foot down with my wife and won't (and don't have to) put up with her shit anymore.
Ball is in his court now.
October 28, 2013
10 years has come and gone....and no one noticed....except me
Or did they?
Last Friday would have been my 10 year wedding anniversary, and no one said a word. I think it was an unspoken agreement amongst friends and family not to bring the subject up with me. And I'm kinda glad. I didn't have much of a desire to speak about it to anyone to begin with, and even if someone did bring it up, I didn't really plan on indulging anyone with idle talk.
But I was aware of it.
I'm pretty happy how I handled the day overall.....I went to work, did my job, took myself out to a cheap lunch and tried to not let it get under my skin. But in truth, I was very aware of the day and I allowed myself to secretly brood about it and was a tad depressed and had occasional impressions of anger.
My father had come over early in the morning to walk my dog, and I was thankful he never brought up the subject. My mom called me sometime in the middle of the day and invited me over to breakfast on Sunday, and she didn't bring the subject up either. I'm sure the date wasn't lost on them, both of them are very good about dates when it comes to birthdays, anniversarys, and the like...but they didn't broach the subject with me.
A friend took me out to dinner on Friday night as well, and the subject wasn't brought up then either.
Last year, my wife sent me an anniversary card. This is when we were seperated and she did her stint in another state and I suppose realized the grass wasn't greener afterall and was making a half-assed attempt to reconcile with me. I guess I'll never know if she really meant it, or she was trying to placate her family, or was re-evaluating her ill-conceived plans and realized maybe it wasn't so bad with me afterall. I remember opening that card, the icy-sting of adrenaline pumping through my veins as I read it in my garage. The message was simple, and it was signed "Love, your wife." I remember half-chuckling with disgust and disbelief as I read it. Yeah, you 'loved' me so much you up and left me, your daughter, your resposnibilities and everything else so you could go 'find' yourself and drink with your friends.
And then that got old...really quick...and you wanted to come back like nothing happened. You wanted to pick up, rewind the clock, and get a 'freebie do-over' and you expected me to fall back into line like all the other times before. But what I did next....you didn't expect...and then your true colors came out.
I said 'No', and threw the card out in the trash only moments after I read it.
My decision to stand firm had you then call me every name in the book. You made up stories you know were not true and spread them about as gospel. You lied. You broke up friendships. You dragged a simple court case out forever and you got greedy. You wanted things that never interested you before. You wanted to hurt me because I finally grew a set of balls. You wanted to take my dog, my house, my car, my childhood collections, my friends...things that I paid for....things that I earned....things that I took care of...things that I cherish...things that have importance only to me.....all because you drank yourself out of a job, got into serious debt by your own hand, and burned bridges with those who wanted to help you to begin with.
You don't get a do-over this time.
You don't get to pretend it never happened, the time when you ripped me in half emotionally and left me months in a fetal position, crippled, tarnished, soul exposed. You don't deserve me. You don't deserve my financial security. My undying love. My husbandly support. No.... you left. You made a decision....and you were warned by everybody prior to you're leaving just what the ramifications *may* be....and yet you still chose *you* over everything else. Well, now I chose *me*.
Now that I look back, as painful as the decision was (and I questioned myself 1000 times over), I was right in throwing that card out, with it's empty and manipulative words.
So yeah, the last 20 months have sucked for both of us. And I may never 100% recover. But you have to live with the knowledge that you put yourself in this position. And yeah, you're gonna get some alimony from me...for the next 4 years. But guess what....You didn't get my house. You didn't get my car. You didn't get my collections. You didn't get my dog. You didn't get the furniture or appliances. You didn't get me to pay your legal fees.
Instead....you get to live with your mom and dad, in their spare bedroom, with your elbows deep in your own credit card debt, your own legal bills. Yup, all this was your doing.
Next up: A new beginning.
Last Friday would have been my 10 year wedding anniversary, and no one said a word. I think it was an unspoken agreement amongst friends and family not to bring the subject up with me. And I'm kinda glad. I didn't have much of a desire to speak about it to anyone to begin with, and even if someone did bring it up, I didn't really plan on indulging anyone with idle talk.
But I was aware of it.
I'm pretty happy how I handled the day overall.....I went to work, did my job, took myself out to a cheap lunch and tried to not let it get under my skin. But in truth, I was very aware of the day and I allowed myself to secretly brood about it and was a tad depressed and had occasional impressions of anger.
My father had come over early in the morning to walk my dog, and I was thankful he never brought up the subject. My mom called me sometime in the middle of the day and invited me over to breakfast on Sunday, and she didn't bring the subject up either. I'm sure the date wasn't lost on them, both of them are very good about dates when it comes to birthdays, anniversarys, and the like...but they didn't broach the subject with me.
A friend took me out to dinner on Friday night as well, and the subject wasn't brought up then either.
Last year, my wife sent me an anniversary card. This is when we were seperated and she did her stint in another state and I suppose realized the grass wasn't greener afterall and was making a half-assed attempt to reconcile with me. I guess I'll never know if she really meant it, or she was trying to placate her family, or was re-evaluating her ill-conceived plans and realized maybe it wasn't so bad with me afterall. I remember opening that card, the icy-sting of adrenaline pumping through my veins as I read it in my garage. The message was simple, and it was signed "Love, your wife." I remember half-chuckling with disgust and disbelief as I read it. Yeah, you 'loved' me so much you up and left me, your daughter, your resposnibilities and everything else so you could go 'find' yourself and drink with your friends.
And then that got old...really quick...and you wanted to come back like nothing happened. You wanted to pick up, rewind the clock, and get a 'freebie do-over' and you expected me to fall back into line like all the other times before. But what I did next....you didn't expect...and then your true colors came out.
I said 'No', and threw the card out in the trash only moments after I read it.
My decision to stand firm had you then call me every name in the book. You made up stories you know were not true and spread them about as gospel. You lied. You broke up friendships. You dragged a simple court case out forever and you got greedy. You wanted things that never interested you before. You wanted to hurt me because I finally grew a set of balls. You wanted to take my dog, my house, my car, my childhood collections, my friends...things that I paid for....things that I earned....things that I took care of...things that I cherish...things that have importance only to me.....all because you drank yourself out of a job, got into serious debt by your own hand, and burned bridges with those who wanted to help you to begin with.
You don't get a do-over this time.
You don't get to pretend it never happened, the time when you ripped me in half emotionally and left me months in a fetal position, crippled, tarnished, soul exposed. You don't deserve me. You don't deserve my financial security. My undying love. My husbandly support. No.... you left. You made a decision....and you were warned by everybody prior to you're leaving just what the ramifications *may* be....and yet you still chose *you* over everything else. Well, now I chose *me*.
Now that I look back, as painful as the decision was (and I questioned myself 1000 times over), I was right in throwing that card out, with it's empty and manipulative words.
So yeah, the last 20 months have sucked for both of us. And I may never 100% recover. But you have to live with the knowledge that you put yourself in this position. And yeah, you're gonna get some alimony from me...for the next 4 years. But guess what....You didn't get my house. You didn't get my car. You didn't get my collections. You didn't get my dog. You didn't get the furniture or appliances. You didn't get me to pay your legal fees.
Instead....you get to live with your mom and dad, in their spare bedroom, with your elbows deep in your own credit card debt, your own legal bills. Yup, all this was your doing.
Next up: A new beginning.
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