Today, thus far, I am oddly at peace.
I'm neither happy, sad, nor elated or angry.
I just am.
I really haven't thought much about my emotions the last 48 hours, and only now as I type this sentence am I aware that I am trying to think of my emotional state.
And I'm coming up blank right now. Like a freshly minted chalkboard with nothing to show, chalk hovering inches above the surface, but not knowing where to start or what to write.
The last 90 hours (just shy of an actual 4 days), a lot has happened. Maybe too much for me to process and even digest right now. Oh, I pray and hope that I don't come crashing down unexpectedly later today or over the course of the next few days.
Simply put....my wife left me and my daughter today.
Let me go back a few days.
Friday was my 42nd birthday. I received no card, no cake, no present from my wife. I got a text 1/2 way through the day that just said "happy birthday". A text message. Anyway, two of my friends treated me to lunch and one was dying to tell me a secret: "Your wife is leaving you on Tuesday." Ice ran through my veins, a sinking pit in my stomach. It was followed up by: "Your wife is an idiot.", and he wasn't saying that to be kind to me or to soften the blow. He's a mutual friend of ours and he recognizes my wife is not in a good place.
Armed with this knowledge that my wife was secretly going to leave me, and also not tell her parents or brother and sister, I took the rest of the day off of work and started to protect myself. First up: close the joint bank account and transfer the little amount of money left into my personal account. Second, close the CC debt consolidation that I have been paying the majority of her cards off for the past year ---NO more. She can pay for herself.
It poured rain all day that day, and my mother was working, and my father still out of town. So my birthday was spent quietly at home listening to the pouring rain, realizing my wife is bailing for 'greener pastures'. Dinner was a microwave steamed TV dinner and I was in bed by 10pm. Yay 42nd birthday.
Saturday morning it was still raining, and I had decided to skip my men's group. The last few times I've gone, I end up balling. I didn't want to cry that morning. My wife got up unusually early...about 8:30 for her and came downstairs. She tried to pay for something on line and discovered that the account was closed. She looked at me, "Did you close the accounts?" "Yup." "Why?" And then I proceded to tell her I knew she was leaving, that my birthday sucked, and that she was running away like always. She was a bit miffed, but I don't care, and still don't.
Yes, her big "pie in the sky" answer to alcoholism and unhappiness is to leave me, her daughter, her family, her friends to another state under the misguided delusional belief she is going to find a job and she doesn't have a drinking problem. Her mistake: she ended up telling her closest girlfriends her plan. It is my understanding that even her closest and most trusted friends thought she was nuts and also believe she is drinking to much and they called her parents. That's how they found out (not from me) and soon my SIL/BIL found out as well.
Saturday morning turned into yet another 1 hour discussion on how everthing wrong is everyone elses fault and not hers. She "needs" to get out of town to "clear her head" and "figure things out on her own". Such a cop-out. Such a "chicken-shit" excuse. I'm not buying it.
She then told me this was a "trial seperation", and she is not filing for divorce. How big of her. I think it's more like the fact she has no money to hire a lawyer, knows she has a problem, up to her eye-balls in debt, has no job, and still wants a safety net "just in case."
I'm too tired to argue. She's made up her mind and I'm not going to waste my breath trying to convince or beg her otherwise. The more and more people find out about this, the more and more are supporting me and telling her she is making a HUGE mistake.
The rest of Saturday I did my own thing: I went back to the gym (which felt great), I went store browsing, I watched a movie (Alexander and Insidious), I even played a video game. I went to bed at 11:30 and felt....nothing.
Sunday, more of the same. I watched her pack a few things, but it really didn't bother me.
I went to work yesterday, Monday, and had a decent day. When I got home, my wife was there instead of going bowling as she normally does.
I knew I had a conference call at 8pm with the family and the interventionist. I told my wife I was going into our room for the call, and now for the first time in weeks, she now wants to "hear how people are talking about her". I said "Fine by me...you were always invited to be on these calls, but you were the one who refused to participate, so you have always had a chance to present your side, but you ran."
I was surprised myself I said that....and with no emotion....
We jumped on the conference call together, and as soon as the family realized my wife was on the phone, the interventionist went right at her....poking holes through everyone of her feeble attempts to deflect, change the facts, or garner sympathy. Oddly, the only issue I had was for the first time my SIL/BIL were suprisngly silent. They usually ALWAYS have something to say, and yet last night, not so much. By the end of the hour long call my wife was crying, but she dug in her heels, continued to stay stubborn, continued to be in denial, and still announced she "had to leave". Once more the family tried their last ditch effort to get her to stay, go to rehab, seek counseling. (I didn't say anything...I just listened this time, and I suppose I secretly wanted her to go....I need some time away from her as well, the tension is sooo thick. It also make my job and decsion that much easier when I see a lwayer myself this Thursday).
Bottom line is this. We have all tried. I have tried. For months. No one can accuse any of us for not attempting everything in our collective powers (including her own friends now) to get her to see the light. But she's in denial, and she's ill, and she's stubborn, she is irrational, and she has a hardened heart. She cannot be saved until she wants to be saved herself and ask fro help, but her PRIDE is the biggest stumbling block in her way. She is leaving her marriage. She is leaving her daughter. She is leaving her family. Her choice. Her decision.
After the call ended at 9pm, I simply got up, brushed my teeth, went to our bed and watched TV until 10pm. What else am I supposed to do? Fret more? Talk more? Beg more? Nope...I'm done.
She couldn't sleep. She got up at midnight from our bed and went downstairs and tried to sleep on the couch. I know she had a hard time. I, however, did sleep. I got up at 6:30, came down, made myself a cup of coffee and sat on the couch for a few minutes.
She was up and turned to me on the couch "You know, despite what you think, this is very hard for me to do."
"MMmmm...Hmmmm." I replied
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means I don't think it's that hard for you at all. You friends and family have been begging you to stay and you are determined to run. That's what you do best...you either shut down, or you run. It wasn't that hard for you to pack your clothes and car, and make arrangments to live with someone nobody really knows under the guise you need to find a job. Your problems are still your problems no matter what state you run too and you still have a drinking problem. You left your daughter once before during your first marriage, and now you're doing it again. So no, after your own dad asked you not to go and after listening to you on the conference call last night, no, I don't beleive this was hard for you at all."
She started to cry.
I didn't care.
Then I picked up my dogs leash and suited him up.
"Why are you taking the dog? Do you really think that I am that cold-hearted of a bitch to take the dog with me?" She asked,
"I have no idea anymore, but I'm not taking the chance. You are too unpredictable and I'm not leaving you with 'MY' dog if you can just pack everything up and leave."
I headed to the garage and she followed me to the kitchen door. I got in my car and let my dog jump up on my lap.
She called out to me: "Do you want me to call you when I get out there?"
My cold response: "I don't care. Again, the way I look at it is this: You are leaving me. You are leaving your daughter. You are leaving you family, your friends, and your marriage. You left. Your decision."
With that I started my car, and pulled out of the garage. I did not wave, did not say goodbye, didn't say good luck, I'll miss you, I love you, anything. Instead, as I cleared the garage, I just closed the garage door with my remote and saw her just standing in the kitchen doorway staring at me.
My dog is with my parents right now and I will pick him up after work.
Like I said, right now I have no emotion, no feeling.
Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts
March 20, 2012
December 18, 2008
Pastor Rick Warren is Obama's Inaugural Choice
Imagine my surprise today when I was glancing at the news and came across this story. It appears that president elect Obama has chosen influenetial christian minister Rick Warren to give his inaugural invocation come this January.
I was surprised because this is the first I heard about myself, someone who generally reads the news throughout the day and apparently I somehow missed this.
My initial gut reaction was "Oh, Obama....you're slick. This is very politically savvy by trying to appease many of the right-wing conservative evangelicals, and a sure way to soften their stance towards you." Meaning, I smell a little duplicity here on Obama's part. Shrewd and masterful.
But then I beagn to read the story (and I suggest you do as well) and got to thinking about the recent assault on Christmas as a holiday from non-beleivers, and the anti-religious protesting in California over the passing of Prop. 8, and I then I thought to myself "well, God is finally gonna let 'us' win one here." Actually, that's the wrong concept if I take a larger look at everything, but it's nice to see that God is once again reminding people He's still out there.
However, by reading the story, it's important to note how much flak religion, and especially Christainity is getting from the left. It actually saddens me to a certain extent that Obama is now being criticized by those in his own party that think Warren "is not consistent with mainstream American values." What? Are you kidding me? The man who gives and gives and gives and leads such an exemplarly life (reaching out to poor, those infected with HIV/AIDS, etc.) is now being trodden upon as in conflict with with mainstream values? Some of the things that Kathryn Kolbert alludes to in being 'deeply dissapointed' at Warren's pick turns around and now dissapoints me. I'm becoming more and more convinced that the ultra liberal left really wants to destroy America from within, and nothing...and I mean nothing will please them until religion is erradicated from our country.
Some of the points in the article citing Warren's stance on abortion and gay rights and what these people have to say about it are troubling for me. All I can do is pray for pastor Warren, president-elect Obama, and this country as a whole. What is going on here in 2008? When did we become such a country of hate and anti-religion all of a sudden? Is this what we can expect for the next 4-8 years? Sadly, I think so and at least it appears to this blogger that the battle lines for our salvation are becoming bolder and more evident that ever and it scares me. It really does. It goes back to my paranoia that the end is coming sooner than later.
Please Father, have mercy on us all. We are so undeserving of your grace.
I was surprised because this is the first I heard about myself, someone who generally reads the news throughout the day and apparently I somehow missed this.
My initial gut reaction was "Oh, Obama....you're slick. This is very politically savvy by trying to appease many of the right-wing conservative evangelicals, and a sure way to soften their stance towards you." Meaning, I smell a little duplicity here on Obama's part. Shrewd and masterful.
But then I beagn to read the story (and I suggest you do as well) and got to thinking about the recent assault on Christmas as a holiday from non-beleivers, and the anti-religious protesting in California over the passing of Prop. 8, and I then I thought to myself "well, God is finally gonna let 'us' win one here." Actually, that's the wrong concept if I take a larger look at everything, but it's nice to see that God is once again reminding people He's still out there.
However, by reading the story, it's important to note how much flak religion, and especially Christainity is getting from the left. It actually saddens me to a certain extent that Obama is now being criticized by those in his own party that think Warren "is not consistent with mainstream American values." What? Are you kidding me? The man who gives and gives and gives and leads such an exemplarly life (reaching out to poor, those infected with HIV/AIDS, etc.) is now being trodden upon as in conflict with with mainstream values? Some of the things that Kathryn Kolbert alludes to in being 'deeply dissapointed' at Warren's pick turns around and now dissapoints me. I'm becoming more and more convinced that the ultra liberal left really wants to destroy America from within, and nothing...and I mean nothing will please them until religion is erradicated from our country.
Some of the points in the article citing Warren's stance on abortion and gay rights and what these people have to say about it are troubling for me. All I can do is pray for pastor Warren, president-elect Obama, and this country as a whole. What is going on here in 2008? When did we become such a country of hate and anti-religion all of a sudden? Is this what we can expect for the next 4-8 years? Sadly, I think so and at least it appears to this blogger that the battle lines for our salvation are becoming bolder and more evident that ever and it scares me. It really does. It goes back to my paranoia that the end is coming sooner than later.
Please Father, have mercy on us all. We are so undeserving of your grace.
December 02, 2008
Study: 1 in 5 young adults have personality disorder
I came across this article this morning on FOXnews.com. I'll let you read it on your own for its length, but I found it very interesting and telling.
If you don't want to read it in its entirety, the layman's version is thus: A study was conducted over the course of 2001/2002 with 5,092 young adults. It found that nearly 25% (not quite though) described students experienceing disorders such as anti-socialness, paranoia, obsessive-complusiveness. Many of these behaviors can be linked to violence. Also the study revealed that fewer than 25% of college-aged Americans with mental problems get treatment.
The study cited, and I think I understand the logic, that perhaps some of the causes can be traced from:
If you don't want to read it in its entirety, the layman's version is thus: A study was conducted over the course of 2001/2002 with 5,092 young adults. It found that nearly 25% (not quite though) described students experienceing disorders such as anti-socialness, paranoia, obsessive-complusiveness. Many of these behaviors can be linked to violence. Also the study revealed that fewer than 25% of college-aged Americans with mental problems get treatment.
The study cited, and I think I understand the logic, that perhaps some of the causes can be traced from:
- Alcohol and substance abuse.
- Seperation from secure environments (i.e. away from home and parents)
- Recent campus shootings foster a sense of feeling 'unsafe'.
- Relationship issues and discovering sexuality.
- Facing the realization of possible employment prospects and educational opportunities.
You can probably extrapolate a few other cause and effects in there as well, but I think the gist of teh study suggests (at least what I got out of it) is that young people are becoming more and more ill-prepared in dealing with the transition from childhood to adulthood with increased stress factors coming from all angles. Because they are ill-prepared to deal with the various traumas that 'life' throws at them (especially with no parental/family structure nearby), these young adults are succumbing to the pressures and developing mental instabilities...including depression.
It saddens me to read this because the more I think of it, the more I see the truth in it. Today, we are a society of blogs, text messaging, IM chats, Facebook/MySpace, etc...We are having less and less 'real' face time with other people...including family and God...and using technology to converse with people hiding behind our PC screens. We don't make time for ourselves anymore either.....we tend to think time is more valuable than ever as we contstantly feel rushed or tasked to do something. Remember the old saying: "Take time to smell the roses."? Well, I think we often forget to take the time out and spend 10-15 minutes walking in God's creation, talking with Him, sharing with Him and friends. One can even argue the family dynamic that was perceived to be a 'nuclear family' back in the 1950's is almost non-exsistant today. People marry and divorce more often, come from broken families, don't go to church anymore....and with that, we lose touch of definition of 'family' and personal 'love', and eventually personal responsibility.
This can all lead to various stresses and social traumas, and those that aren't thick skinned, either sink or swim. Those that sink may become depressed, stressed, paranoid, etc. Those that swim may become hard in the heart, indifferent, cold and impersonal...perhaps worse.
Anyway, I'm not really sure how to wrap this up...It's a study and those are my interpretations of them. I suppose in a nutshell, and I have to remind myself of this more and more often......go out and smell the roses. Call your friends up and ask them to lunch and speak with them in person. Interact with your family and discuss topics you normally just gloss over. Pray to God above and meditate with Him and ask for peace.....Your mental health may depend on it.
October 29, 2008
I Dream of True Love
Every once in a while I experience a dream so full of life and warmth I never wish it to end.
For a person like myself who generally suffers from the occasional bouts of insomnia, is known to be a light sleeper, and tends to have his dreams more often than not filled with disturbing or uncomfortable images that I relish the good ones when I have them.
They are snippets of my subconscious crafting worlds, episodes, scenarios that I experience for God only knows what reason. This morning I awoke from a beautiful dream filled with such intense emotion and reality I felt crest-fallen when I began to realize it was indeed just a dream. I hoped to close my eyes again very quickly and resume my slumber and return to the love I just felt, but it was too late.
I dreamt that I was back in school again. I'm not exactly sure if it was the last few years of High School or College that events took place in, but I was surrounded my numerous students working on a refurbishment project in the hallways. It's as if they were repainting, putting up new wallpaper, cleaning and beautifying in general.
There was a woman there that I seemed to have had casual contact with. She was blond, attractive and about my age if not a year or two younger. She wasn't mean to me by any certain terms, but I felt the vibe she didn't really care for me all that much, somewhat indifferent. My brain was telling me I had been nice to her in the past and I tried to be friendly and cordial, but efforts had never gotten me anywhere.
All of a sudden, with no warning, time flashed forward in an instant. It's as if 5 years past in a blink of an eye and there we were again. However, this time I found myself standing behind her in a line grasping her upper arm in my hands and felt the weight or her body leaning back into me....as couples normally do. It donned on me that we were indeed just that, a couple now...inexplicably...yet it was clear to me something had happened over time and we were bonded together.
Now the girl had a name.....Becky. And she looked exactly like the actress who plays Dr. Reid on the NBC sitcom Scrubs.
She was on a cell phone, speaking to her mother and joking and laughing and we seemed to be in good spirits. It was then when a second, smaller cell phone on her person and she handed me the first phone and told me to talk to her mother while she picked up the second phone.
As she handed me the first, she spun 180 degrees to face me and there was a few feet of distance between us as she lifted the second phone to her ear and began speaking...the whole time her eyes were on me in a very gentle and joyous way. Realizing I had her mother on the phone I said "Hello....", a brief pause, "You know when I first met your daughter she wanted nothing to do with me. Now she is the love of my life and I thank you.", and with that I became very emotional and my voice cracked and I could feel a tear forming in my eye.
As I said those words, I could tell her mother was speechless on the other end of the phone and very touched and thankful for what I just said. I looked at my girlfriend, and although she was still on the second phone speaking to whomever, she had clearly heard my words as well and was overcome with emotion. It's as if her soul melted and she cocked her head ever so slightly to one side, her own eyes beginning to well up as well and mouthed the words silently to me "I love you too."
That brief moment in time, when our eyes were locked in their gaze with each other and I recognized the words she had silently spoken....I cannot begin to tell you the flood of positive emotions that came over and filled me from the inside out. It's a love I can't even adequately explain, but I know the feeling was genuine warmth, peace, joy, love....and so much more. I can only imagine this is but a taste of the love the Jesus Christ has for each one of us....and let me tell you, it was so exhilarating I never wanted to be a part from that feeling.
It's as if in my dream I actually experienced what true, pure, uncorrupted, selfless love actually is and can be. I didn't want the moment to end or the feeling to ever leave me.
Shortly after my eyes began to open, and I realized I was awakening and what I had just took part in was a dream. I so badly wanted it not to end, I closed my eyes again hoping I could spend just a few more moments in that ultimate state of bliss....but it was not to happen.
When I became fully aware of where I was (bed) and realized I needed to get up and get ready for work it was very quiet. I instantly began playing the scene over and over in my head for that euphoric feeling and then I felt slightly ashamed and even guilty.
I realized that my wife was still sleeping next to me and the next few thoughts I had were these: If you could only love me like the woman in my dreams did. Why is not our 'love' for each other like this. Why do I feel I have the potential to love you like that, but it will never be reciprocated in that fashion.
And then I felt a twinge of guilt. Did I just commit an affair in my head with an imaginary companion. There was nothing sexual at all. It was just the feeling of mutual respect, mutual love, mutual sharing, a relationship in its purist form....something that I don't think I will ever experience with my own wife....and that just saddens me to the core. I wish my wife could love me in the same manner, but I just don't see that ever happening. It hurts me just to type these last few sentences and depresses me. I'm sad to admit I want more time in my dream induced relationship than my real one as I seemed to have been more admired, respected, and felt 'wanted' more so than my wife can give me.
For a person like myself who generally suffers from the occasional bouts of insomnia, is known to be a light sleeper, and tends to have his dreams more often than not filled with disturbing or uncomfortable images that I relish the good ones when I have them.
They are snippets of my subconscious crafting worlds, episodes, scenarios that I experience for God only knows what reason. This morning I awoke from a beautiful dream filled with such intense emotion and reality I felt crest-fallen when I began to realize it was indeed just a dream. I hoped to close my eyes again very quickly and resume my slumber and return to the love I just felt, but it was too late.
I dreamt that I was back in school again. I'm not exactly sure if it was the last few years of High School or College that events took place in, but I was surrounded my numerous students working on a refurbishment project in the hallways. It's as if they were repainting, putting up new wallpaper, cleaning and beautifying in general.
There was a woman there that I seemed to have had casual contact with. She was blond, attractive and about my age if not a year or two younger. She wasn't mean to me by any certain terms, but I felt the vibe she didn't really care for me all that much, somewhat indifferent. My brain was telling me I had been nice to her in the past and I tried to be friendly and cordial, but efforts had never gotten me anywhere.
All of a sudden, with no warning, time flashed forward in an instant. It's as if 5 years past in a blink of an eye and there we were again. However, this time I found myself standing behind her in a line grasping her upper arm in my hands and felt the weight or her body leaning back into me....as couples normally do. It donned on me that we were indeed just that, a couple now...inexplicably...yet it was clear to me something had happened over time and we were bonded together.
Now the girl had a name.....Becky. And she looked exactly like the actress who plays Dr. Reid on the NBC sitcom Scrubs.
She was on a cell phone, speaking to her mother and joking and laughing and we seemed to be in good spirits. It was then when a second, smaller cell phone on her person and she handed me the first phone and told me to talk to her mother while she picked up the second phone.
As she handed me the first, she spun 180 degrees to face me and there was a few feet of distance between us as she lifted the second phone to her ear and began speaking...the whole time her eyes were on me in a very gentle and joyous way. Realizing I had her mother on the phone I said "Hello....", a brief pause, "You know when I first met your daughter she wanted nothing to do with me. Now she is the love of my life and I thank you.", and with that I became very emotional and my voice cracked and I could feel a tear forming in my eye.
As I said those words, I could tell her mother was speechless on the other end of the phone and very touched and thankful for what I just said. I looked at my girlfriend, and although she was still on the second phone speaking to whomever, she had clearly heard my words as well and was overcome with emotion. It's as if her soul melted and she cocked her head ever so slightly to one side, her own eyes beginning to well up as well and mouthed the words silently to me "I love you too."
That brief moment in time, when our eyes were locked in their gaze with each other and I recognized the words she had silently spoken....I cannot begin to tell you the flood of positive emotions that came over and filled me from the inside out. It's a love I can't even adequately explain, but I know the feeling was genuine warmth, peace, joy, love....and so much more. I can only imagine this is but a taste of the love the Jesus Christ has for each one of us....and let me tell you, it was so exhilarating I never wanted to be a part from that feeling.
It's as if in my dream I actually experienced what true, pure, uncorrupted, selfless love actually is and can be. I didn't want the moment to end or the feeling to ever leave me.
Shortly after my eyes began to open, and I realized I was awakening and what I had just took part in was a dream. I so badly wanted it not to end, I closed my eyes again hoping I could spend just a few more moments in that ultimate state of bliss....but it was not to happen.
When I became fully aware of where I was (bed) and realized I needed to get up and get ready for work it was very quiet. I instantly began playing the scene over and over in my head for that euphoric feeling and then I felt slightly ashamed and even guilty.
I realized that my wife was still sleeping next to me and the next few thoughts I had were these: If you could only love me like the woman in my dreams did. Why is not our 'love' for each other like this. Why do I feel I have the potential to love you like that, but it will never be reciprocated in that fashion.
And then I felt a twinge of guilt. Did I just commit an affair in my head with an imaginary companion. There was nothing sexual at all. It was just the feeling of mutual respect, mutual love, mutual sharing, a relationship in its purist form....something that I don't think I will ever experience with my own wife....and that just saddens me to the core. I wish my wife could love me in the same manner, but I just don't see that ever happening. It hurts me just to type these last few sentences and depresses me. I'm sad to admit I want more time in my dream induced relationship than my real one as I seemed to have been more admired, respected, and felt 'wanted' more so than my wife can give me.
September 09, 2008
The Vicious Circle (part IV- finale)
Wow, I can't believe it's been almost two weeks since our last blow-up, and dare I say things seem back to normal, or as normal as I can expect them for the time being?
Looking back at that last Sunday, I had left my house and dragging my half-angry, half-hurt ass to church just looking for some peace and quiet. Well, I made the best out of the situation that I could and after the service I made myself to the 'prayer-room'. There is generally one of the elders in that room in which you can go in and ask for special needs, prayers, personal requests...far removed from the scrunity or possible embarrassment from others.
Well, I really had nothing else to lose and I seriously didn't care who thought what of me and my emotional state of mind at that moment. So I unloaded. I didn't go into major details, just enought to get the gist across my wife and I always seem to be at odds. And that no matter how hard I try sometimes, I'm tired of feeling like she gets a free pass on her behaviors (or lack of them) and that I'm the one wearing my heart on my sleeve most of the time...especially when I am trying very hard to be the responsible person, whether it be financially, spiritually, maturely, etc.
I spent about 15 - 20 minutes in there and it was a relief just to get it out of my system, whether anything could be done about it or not. The elder asked if we thought about going to a counsler in which I told him my earlier attempts and my wifes refusal to acknowledge them. He took my email address and said he would ask our pastor to send me some Christian based therapists, which our pastor did contact me later in the week (I still don't have any names yet).
When I finally left church, two of my men associates asked me how things were. I'm not sure if they 'sensed' something was wrong or just pure coincidence, but it was apparent once they saw me and my eyes and demeanor, that something was up. I gave them the 2 minute abbriged version and they said they would pray for me and encourage me to return next week.
The rest of Sunday was awkward and by the end of the day my wife had thawed enough to begin talking to me. She even offered to make me a sandwich, which I agreed to.
On Labor Day, since we were both off we were at home. Later in the day we ended up having a BBQ with our neighbors and we seemed to be at least talking again. I suppose that's a start.
The reminder of the week I made a concerted effort to make sure when she arrived home that I turned off any video game I had been playing, or asked what she wanted to do. I wasn't trying to be a smart ass at all, just once again feel that I'll give it the 'ole college try and show that I at least attempt to make an effort. However, as these things normally go, she has no idea what she wants to do so I can't help but wonder inside my own head "Then I don't undertand the argument to begin with. I'm now offering and making myself available for free time, and she can't think of anything to do. I can't win.
I laid low and then the strangest thing happened. Like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde, on Thursday my wife became very amorous. Huh? The same person who had been slandering me just days before, ranting and raving about who knows what...now wants to be very 'wifey' by her own volition...whcih rarely happens. Imagine my surprise when she made advances yet again on Friday. I swear to you, I don't know who is the bi-polar one anymore...me or her.
The last few days she's been more pleasant to be around and I even heard her admit to the neighbor that she has a problem in 'name calling.' That makes me feel wierd too....Part of me is at least somehwat happy that she can acknowedge her actions as not the 'best', but she admits it to someone else other than me. It's like she can admit her 'sorriness' and guilt to someone else, anyone else, except the person she perpetuates it on...namely me.
So while I'll wrap this up and say thing have been stable and maybe even somewhat positive the last few days.....for me to explain what made her change her attitude towards me, I'll never know. Was it indeed prayer from my church and the few that I confided in, or is my wife a master of disguising her own internal struggles...something I cannot?
Looking back at that last Sunday, I had left my house and dragging my half-angry, half-hurt ass to church just looking for some peace and quiet. Well, I made the best out of the situation that I could and after the service I made myself to the 'prayer-room'. There is generally one of the elders in that room in which you can go in and ask for special needs, prayers, personal requests...far removed from the scrunity or possible embarrassment from others.
Well, I really had nothing else to lose and I seriously didn't care who thought what of me and my emotional state of mind at that moment. So I unloaded. I didn't go into major details, just enought to get the gist across my wife and I always seem to be at odds. And that no matter how hard I try sometimes, I'm tired of feeling like she gets a free pass on her behaviors (or lack of them) and that I'm the one wearing my heart on my sleeve most of the time...especially when I am trying very hard to be the responsible person, whether it be financially, spiritually, maturely, etc.
I spent about 15 - 20 minutes in there and it was a relief just to get it out of my system, whether anything could be done about it or not. The elder asked if we thought about going to a counsler in which I told him my earlier attempts and my wifes refusal to acknowledge them. He took my email address and said he would ask our pastor to send me some Christian based therapists, which our pastor did contact me later in the week (I still don't have any names yet).
When I finally left church, two of my men associates asked me how things were. I'm not sure if they 'sensed' something was wrong or just pure coincidence, but it was apparent once they saw me and my eyes and demeanor, that something was up. I gave them the 2 minute abbriged version and they said they would pray for me and encourage me to return next week.
The rest of Sunday was awkward and by the end of the day my wife had thawed enough to begin talking to me. She even offered to make me a sandwich, which I agreed to.
On Labor Day, since we were both off we were at home. Later in the day we ended up having a BBQ with our neighbors and we seemed to be at least talking again. I suppose that's a start.
The reminder of the week I made a concerted effort to make sure when she arrived home that I turned off any video game I had been playing, or asked what she wanted to do. I wasn't trying to be a smart ass at all, just once again feel that I'll give it the 'ole college try and show that I at least attempt to make an effort. However, as these things normally go, she has no idea what she wants to do so I can't help but wonder inside my own head "Then I don't undertand the argument to begin with. I'm now offering and making myself available for free time, and she can't think of anything to do. I can't win.
I laid low and then the strangest thing happened. Like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde, on Thursday my wife became very amorous. Huh? The same person who had been slandering me just days before, ranting and raving about who knows what...now wants to be very 'wifey' by her own volition...whcih rarely happens. Imagine my surprise when she made advances yet again on Friday. I swear to you, I don't know who is the bi-polar one anymore...me or her.
The last few days she's been more pleasant to be around and I even heard her admit to the neighbor that she has a problem in 'name calling.' That makes me feel wierd too....Part of me is at least somehwat happy that she can acknowedge her actions as not the 'best', but she admits it to someone else other than me. It's like she can admit her 'sorriness' and guilt to someone else, anyone else, except the person she perpetuates it on...namely me.
So while I'll wrap this up and say thing have been stable and maybe even somewhat positive the last few days.....for me to explain what made her change her attitude towards me, I'll never know. Was it indeed prayer from my church and the few that I confided in, or is my wife a master of disguising her own internal struggles...something I cannot?
September 04, 2008
The Vicious Circle (Part III)
After my wife slammed the door and went downstairs, I sat there in bed and while I wasn't as agitated as perhaps I world normally be under these circumstances, it was enough where I knew if I didn't do something to take care of myself, I would eventually be my own worst enemy and spin out of control.
After laying still for about 10 minutes and thinking things through, I made my way to the medicine cabinet and took a Clonzapen....basically a sedative.
I'm not exactly sure when I eventually fell asleep, but my wife came to bed sometime after 2am. By 4:30am I had woken up. My intestines where giving me a little trouble and it was also pretty warm in our room as well. I tossed and turned and couldn't seem to remain cool, and since my intestines were knotted with anxiety, I grabbed my pillows and made my way down to the couch downstairs. I actually did this because I would spend the next few hours in and out of the bathroom (which I'm sure was related to stress and anxiety over our fight) and the fact it did seem 10 degrees cooler downstairs. I figure, if I was lucky, maybe I got all of 4, maybe 4.5 hours of sleep.
Saturday we more or less kept to ourselves, only speaking to each other if we really needed to.
Sometime that afternoon, I decided I needed a shower. I was drained both physically and emotionally and was hoping a nice hot shower would wash away hours up pent up tension and mental distress. I also just needed to be 'alone' for a few minutes.
Once in the shower, I suppose I let my guard down as I figured I was alone. Before I knew it, I was weeping again. Once again, thoughts are running through my head: "Who is this person I married?" "Why can we not seem to talk in a civil manner?" "How did it come to the point where she thinks its okay to call me these names?" "Why do I let these names hurt me so bad?" "Where is God and my prayers in any of this?" These were just a few of the many questions running through my brain at the time and I feel ashamed to say that I even thought "Maybe she will just go away and this will all be over. Maybe it's not to late for a do-over." But of course, I know this is me admitting in a moment of exasperation that I give up and I don't trust God. But quite frankly my patience just feels like it can't stretch any thinner...yet somehow, someway, I still endure. I don't believe in divorce, or at least my upbringing is against it....but I admit I feel miserable right now and I'm not even sure I can even explain what 'love' is right now. I'm definitely not experiencing the love I desire or think I deserve...and I'm not sure at times whether I can freely give it out anymore....just to be let down again.
After a good 30 minutes I do feel somewhat better and emerge in silence and we continue our day in respective solitude from each other.
Sunday morning I got up and decided I really need to go to church. Yes, I've skipped the last few weeks for who knows what real reason, but now I needed it, if only to get me out of the house for the next two hours and spend some time in prayer and with Christ.
As I was getting dressed my wife finally decided to speak to me...
"Where are you going?"
"Church."
"Why were you crying yesterday in the shower?"
At one point during my shower she must have came upstairs to see what I was doing and heard my sobs through the door. 'Great', I thought...just what I need...more ammunition for her to use against me in telling me I'm a wuss and overly sensitive.
"Because.....You hurt my feelings. This goes beyond you just being mad or upset with me. This is beyond any e-mail issue or the fact I don't feel well nor did I get enough sleep. I cried because in the 5 years we have been married, I have never heard you call me those types of names, so many of them, and with such acrimony and venom. You crossed the line last night. You really crossed it when you used my mothers name. You know that in particular that is my personal Achilles heel, and you went right to it...multiple times. I have never...EVER...called you those names in any argument we have ever had. You do not respect me as a person, nor a husband, nor a friend."
By this time I'm starting to cry all over again. My wife looks at me, "Well, when you act like an asshole....."
"It doesn't matter. You may not like me or agree with me. I can handle you being upset with me...But that level of name calling is beyond my comprehension right now. And the fact of the matter that almost 36 hours have gone by without an apology..."
"But maybe I'm still upset with you....?"
"That's fine. You can be upset with me. I get that....but the names..."
"Okay. I'm sorry."
"Yeah, but you don't mean it so it's wasted on me."
"Oh, so now you're telling me I'm not sorry?"
"Let's put it this way....The only reason you are saying 'Sorry' right now is because I just brought it up. In the last 36 hours it never crossed your mind, and I doubt it did right now until I said anything."
"Just go to church...."
"I am."
And I walked out the door, making sure I'm wearing my sun glasses as I know my eyes are red and swollen all over again.
To be continued....
After laying still for about 10 minutes and thinking things through, I made my way to the medicine cabinet and took a Clonzapen....basically a sedative.
I'm not exactly sure when I eventually fell asleep, but my wife came to bed sometime after 2am. By 4:30am I had woken up. My intestines where giving me a little trouble and it was also pretty warm in our room as well. I tossed and turned and couldn't seem to remain cool, and since my intestines were knotted with anxiety, I grabbed my pillows and made my way down to the couch downstairs. I actually did this because I would spend the next few hours in and out of the bathroom (which I'm sure was related to stress and anxiety over our fight) and the fact it did seem 10 degrees cooler downstairs. I figure, if I was lucky, maybe I got all of 4, maybe 4.5 hours of sleep.
Saturday we more or less kept to ourselves, only speaking to each other if we really needed to.
Sometime that afternoon, I decided I needed a shower. I was drained both physically and emotionally and was hoping a nice hot shower would wash away hours up pent up tension and mental distress. I also just needed to be 'alone' for a few minutes.
Once in the shower, I suppose I let my guard down as I figured I was alone. Before I knew it, I was weeping again. Once again, thoughts are running through my head: "Who is this person I married?" "Why can we not seem to talk in a civil manner?" "How did it come to the point where she thinks its okay to call me these names?" "Why do I let these names hurt me so bad?" "Where is God and my prayers in any of this?" These were just a few of the many questions running through my brain at the time and I feel ashamed to say that I even thought "Maybe she will just go away and this will all be over. Maybe it's not to late for a do-over." But of course, I know this is me admitting in a moment of exasperation that I give up and I don't trust God. But quite frankly my patience just feels like it can't stretch any thinner...yet somehow, someway, I still endure. I don't believe in divorce, or at least my upbringing is against it....but I admit I feel miserable right now and I'm not even sure I can even explain what 'love' is right now. I'm definitely not experiencing the love I desire or think I deserve...and I'm not sure at times whether I can freely give it out anymore....just to be let down again.
After a good 30 minutes I do feel somewhat better and emerge in silence and we continue our day in respective solitude from each other.
Sunday morning I got up and decided I really need to go to church. Yes, I've skipped the last few weeks for who knows what real reason, but now I needed it, if only to get me out of the house for the next two hours and spend some time in prayer and with Christ.
As I was getting dressed my wife finally decided to speak to me...
"Where are you going?"
"Church."
"Why were you crying yesterday in the shower?"
At one point during my shower she must have came upstairs to see what I was doing and heard my sobs through the door. 'Great', I thought...just what I need...more ammunition for her to use against me in telling me I'm a wuss and overly sensitive.
"Because.....You hurt my feelings. This goes beyond you just being mad or upset with me. This is beyond any e-mail issue or the fact I don't feel well nor did I get enough sleep. I cried because in the 5 years we have been married, I have never heard you call me those types of names, so many of them, and with such acrimony and venom. You crossed the line last night. You really crossed it when you used my mothers name. You know that in particular that is my personal Achilles heel, and you went right to it...multiple times. I have never...EVER...called you those names in any argument we have ever had. You do not respect me as a person, nor a husband, nor a friend."
By this time I'm starting to cry all over again. My wife looks at me, "Well, when you act like an asshole....."
"It doesn't matter. You may not like me or agree with me. I can handle you being upset with me...But that level of name calling is beyond my comprehension right now. And the fact of the matter that almost 36 hours have gone by without an apology..."
"But maybe I'm still upset with you....?"
"That's fine. You can be upset with me. I get that....but the names..."
"Okay. I'm sorry."
"Yeah, but you don't mean it so it's wasted on me."
"Oh, so now you're telling me I'm not sorry?"
"Let's put it this way....The only reason you are saying 'Sorry' right now is because I just brought it up. In the last 36 hours it never crossed your mind, and I doubt it did right now until I said anything."
"Just go to church...."
"I am."
And I walked out the door, making sure I'm wearing my sun glasses as I know my eyes are red and swollen all over again.
To be continued....
September 02, 2008
The Viscious Circle...continues (Part II)
Warning: this entry contains adult language.
So after my Friday afternoon 'venting' entry, I came home by myself. I knew my wife was going to a birthday party of one of her co-workers so I found myself outside with a few of the neighbors talking under the stars and having a beer myself.
It's nice that we all get to pull out folding beach chairs and place them in a circle in someone's driveway and just sort of hang out on occassion, although as I mentioned before, the topics and subject matter can be very repetitive and predictable. None the less, it was cool outside and I was somewhat wound up from my email trade with my wife earlier in the day and it probably wasn't going to do anybody any good if I stayed inside to brood....I knew my wife was most likely whooping it up.
She actually came home at slightly after 10pm, and it was apparant she had a few drinks. I probably set things in motion, (and as always...it wasn't my plan or intention) but I kind gave her space as I really had nothing to say to her. She did come up to me, but I did indeed give her the cold shoulder (my feelings were hurt and I was a bit peeved from earlier....but this action would prove to be a fatal mistake on my part). I imagine she got the hint that I was not in the best of moods and we tended to keep to ourselves amongst the gathered crowd.
Finally, I decided to call it an evening and headed in to take a shower at 11pm, and sat down to watch a few minutes of late night TV. My wife came in at 11:30pm, was quiet a few minutes, and then decided she wanted to talk to me. 'This is not going to go well', I thought to myself, so bracing for the inevitable, I turned off the TV and continued to sit on the couch.
"You didn't return my last e-mail.", she said.
"What was there to say? What could I have written that would have changed any outcome? I was open and honest and tried to communicate 'my' feelings in general and what I received in return was being told I was a hermit and not the same man you married. You're right....I'm not the same man. I've been having some hard times that I've been dealing with no real support here. I'm trying to reconnect with God and act my age now. I've come to re-prioritize my responsibilities and what is important.....God, marriage, family, and work."
"Why were you rude to me outside? You ignored me."
"I'm still a little upset from earlier."
"Why? Why did you say 'You play second fiddle to my friends.'?"
"Don't I?"
"No."
"Really? So what am I missing that you are out every night this week with someone else other than me? Than us? Again, what happened to this speech you gave me about coming home early and walking the dog?"
"Oh..I'm sorry....I have a job to do. And at the end of the day, I want to unwind, and not come home to you playing a game."
"You know...that is such a tired and overplayed excuse. 'YOU' told me 'YOU' were coming home from now on at 6, not 'ME'. 'We' are not walking the dog....I am."
"Oh, you're so literal...."
"So what are you saying, that everything you say should be left up to interpretation to what ever suits you which day? And I play games because you're not here. Why does it seem this argument is always like the dog chasing it's tail? I play games beacuse you're not home and I have nothing to do, in which you say when you do come home, whenever you feel like it, I'm playing games. Don't you see the circular arguement here? So tell me....please....what should I be doing instead."
"When I come home, you should turn off the game. Or stop watching your shows."
"Most of the time I do. Granted it's not everytime, there are sometimes you just can't stop until you get to a particular point in the game in order to save. Sometimes that 5 minutes, sometimes that's 15 minutes. Are you saying that as soon as you walk in the door, I have to jump up immediately and just stop whatever I'm doing because you have now decided to grace me with your presence? Really? Is that the argument that I am at your beck and call, whenever you feel the need? I don't think so. So what happens if I turn off the game? Do we walk the dog?...No? Do we watch TV?....? No? And don't tell me about me watching 'my' shows. How many times have you walked in the house and I have personally handed you the remote and said "Would you like to watch you Soap Opera? So don't tell me I sit here on my duff and hog the TV. I actually walk the dog....make my own dinner.....do laundry.....and other chores as well. What do you want to do? I also prefaced in the email that perhaps this was an off week. I understand you have some friends with a birthday and personal crisis, and what's going on next door. Like I said...maybe I'm just being overly sensitive about this." (surprisingly, even though I was becomming more and more irritated, I was able to say all this without raising my voice. I made a very concious effort to remain civil and calm.)
"I don't know. But your e-mail didn't preface any of that."
"Really? I beg to differ."
"Really. I still have it."
"Read it then...right now...."
"You know....."
"Read it." I interuppted.
She read it outloud from her Blackberry phone and there was my preface. Everything she said I didn't say...she was now reading back word for word.
At this point I really didn't want to argue anymore. I could feel myself wanting to go off, but I was determined to remain calm. "Please....can we talk about this tomorrow? It's late. We've both had a few drinks and probably not in the best mind frame to talk about this right now." I looked at the clock at it was now midnight.
"No...I'm not done yet. I want to know what you meant by you playing second fiddle."
"I have already explained it....twice if not more. How else do you wish me to say this? Seriously, I am asking you nicely now....please drop this and we can talk in the morning. I am tired and I really don't want to argue. I am telling you, I very much wish to avoid an argument right now."
"Too bad. We're going to talk about this now....What do you mean?"
I tell her, again, calmly....."I feel and I can't help my feelings....but I feel as if any time I ask to do something with you it's either too hot, you don't feel good, too tired, etc.....but if one of your friends calls...then 'Boom' you're out the door."
"Well, they are my friends and they like to do something except sit."
"And I understand that. It just seems you pick them over me, and I am telling you....I do miss you. I am envious of the time you spend with them. I can't explain it any more simplier than that. And that's unfair you say I just 'sit'.....how many times have I offered to play a board game, take a walk, go to the gym, see a movie, etc....and you always have a reason as to 'no'...so it more feels to me you don't wish to spend time with me. How should I feel?"
"I don't understand."
"Well, I don't know how else to explain it or make it any clearer. Those are my feelings and you don't share that, see that, or in denial....so I don't know what to say. Can we please stop this now?"
"No we need to get this out and over with..."
At this point I have no idea what she is looking for. I can honestly say I am dumbfounded on where she is taking this topic at all at this point. I have a feeling she is just in the mood to argue, no matter what at this point. And I think after reading my email out loud and possibly making some sense my wife feels the need for some reason to make a point or to 'win' in her eyes. I've seen her argue before and she always wants to have the definitive last word, to be able to walk away knowing her pride is intact and somehow she came out on top."
"No....I'm done now."
"Okay...XXXXXXX" (XXXXXX is my mother's name, and she knows its my achilles heal. When my wife really wants to hurt me, she calls me my mothers name. At this point I just say "I'm done"....she crossed the line in my book and I get up and walk upstairs ignoring her rants and reach for an aspirin and get into bed. She follws me into the bedroom and continues to chide me and call me my mother's name. I seriously am fighting the urge to lash out and begin to pray immediatly that God takes away my anger and calms my spirit. What has gotten into her? It's now 12:20am and she seems to be just warming up.
"What? You are now calling me my mom's name? Oh this just gets richer and richer. Any other names you want to call me?" I can't help but laugh now.....not the reactions she was expecting.
"You're an asshole."
"Okay. Bring it on...get it out of your system. Today, I am not the man you married, I'm a hermit, I'm XXXXXX, and now I'm an asshole." I lay in bed breathing evenly and calmly...smiling even.
"Do you want me to leave? This can be over right now. If you don't talk to me, I can walk out this door." Her tone in her voice is serious and she's...what?....now hinting at divorce? Divorce over this? You're kidding me right? No...I don't think she's kidding right now. But I'm not going to stoop down to her level and call her any names or get sucked into a no-win brawl. And in a strange way I'm not sure if I 'm calling her bluff or not, but for a brief moment....I don't care if she leaves....Actually, I kind want her to go right now. For an instant the belief of her walking out the door means I'll have some peace and quiet and actually go to bed like I wanted to in the first place. Let her walk out. She can explain to her parents and family what is going on....it's ain't gonna happen.
But what happens if she gets hurt in her emotional state....or gets pulled over by the police? You know....for that brief moment...I'm okay with that and just envision her in the back of the cop car, the police calling me up and me ignoring the phone. She can call her dad to bail her out. I can't help but think this whole thing is so out of control and I can't even tell you how it got to this point.
"So you're not saying anything?"
"No....I told you for at least the 20th time now. I'm done with this. I don't even know what I'm arguing about right now, let alone where this is going. I asked you numerous times to stop this and table it until tomorrow, And when it comes to name calling...I'm not going there. You crossed the line. I'm done. Period."
My wife stood there for a few minutes continuing to barrage me with questions and demands. I just sat there with my eyes closed...keeping my mouth shut, praying. After a few more minutes of this she finally gave up by calling me a "Pussy who needs to grow a set of balls"...and slammed the door to our bedroom as she went downstairs.
She didn't leave that night...
To be continued....
So after my Friday afternoon 'venting' entry, I came home by myself. I knew my wife was going to a birthday party of one of her co-workers so I found myself outside with a few of the neighbors talking under the stars and having a beer myself.
It's nice that we all get to pull out folding beach chairs and place them in a circle in someone's driveway and just sort of hang out on occassion, although as I mentioned before, the topics and subject matter can be very repetitive and predictable. None the less, it was cool outside and I was somewhat wound up from my email trade with my wife earlier in the day and it probably wasn't going to do anybody any good if I stayed inside to brood....I knew my wife was most likely whooping it up.
She actually came home at slightly after 10pm, and it was apparant she had a few drinks. I probably set things in motion, (and as always...it wasn't my plan or intention) but I kind gave her space as I really had nothing to say to her. She did come up to me, but I did indeed give her the cold shoulder (my feelings were hurt and I was a bit peeved from earlier....but this action would prove to be a fatal mistake on my part). I imagine she got the hint that I was not in the best of moods and we tended to keep to ourselves amongst the gathered crowd.
Finally, I decided to call it an evening and headed in to take a shower at 11pm, and sat down to watch a few minutes of late night TV. My wife came in at 11:30pm, was quiet a few minutes, and then decided she wanted to talk to me. 'This is not going to go well', I thought to myself, so bracing for the inevitable, I turned off the TV and continued to sit on the couch.
"You didn't return my last e-mail.", she said.
"What was there to say? What could I have written that would have changed any outcome? I was open and honest and tried to communicate 'my' feelings in general and what I received in return was being told I was a hermit and not the same man you married. You're right....I'm not the same man. I've been having some hard times that I've been dealing with no real support here. I'm trying to reconnect with God and act my age now. I've come to re-prioritize my responsibilities and what is important.....God, marriage, family, and work."
"Why were you rude to me outside? You ignored me."
"I'm still a little upset from earlier."
"Why? Why did you say 'You play second fiddle to my friends.'?"
"Don't I?"
"No."
"Really? So what am I missing that you are out every night this week with someone else other than me? Than us? Again, what happened to this speech you gave me about coming home early and walking the dog?"
"Oh..I'm sorry....I have a job to do. And at the end of the day, I want to unwind, and not come home to you playing a game."
"You know...that is such a tired and overplayed excuse. 'YOU' told me 'YOU' were coming home from now on at 6, not 'ME'. 'We' are not walking the dog....I am."
"Oh, you're so literal...."
"So what are you saying, that everything you say should be left up to interpretation to what ever suits you which day? And I play games because you're not here. Why does it seem this argument is always like the dog chasing it's tail? I play games beacuse you're not home and I have nothing to do, in which you say when you do come home, whenever you feel like it, I'm playing games. Don't you see the circular arguement here? So tell me....please....what should I be doing instead."
"When I come home, you should turn off the game. Or stop watching your shows."
"Most of the time I do. Granted it's not everytime, there are sometimes you just can't stop until you get to a particular point in the game in order to save. Sometimes that 5 minutes, sometimes that's 15 minutes. Are you saying that as soon as you walk in the door, I have to jump up immediately and just stop whatever I'm doing because you have now decided to grace me with your presence? Really? Is that the argument that I am at your beck and call, whenever you feel the need? I don't think so. So what happens if I turn off the game? Do we walk the dog?...No? Do we watch TV?....? No? And don't tell me about me watching 'my' shows. How many times have you walked in the house and I have personally handed you the remote and said "Would you like to watch you Soap Opera? So don't tell me I sit here on my duff and hog the TV. I actually walk the dog....make my own dinner.....do laundry.....and other chores as well. What do you want to do? I also prefaced in the email that perhaps this was an off week. I understand you have some friends with a birthday and personal crisis, and what's going on next door. Like I said...maybe I'm just being overly sensitive about this." (surprisingly, even though I was becomming more and more irritated, I was able to say all this without raising my voice. I made a very concious effort to remain civil and calm.)
"I don't know. But your e-mail didn't preface any of that."
"Really? I beg to differ."
"Really. I still have it."
"Read it then...right now...."
"You know....."
"Read it." I interuppted.
She read it outloud from her Blackberry phone and there was my preface. Everything she said I didn't say...she was now reading back word for word.
At this point I really didn't want to argue anymore. I could feel myself wanting to go off, but I was determined to remain calm. "Please....can we talk about this tomorrow? It's late. We've both had a few drinks and probably not in the best mind frame to talk about this right now." I looked at the clock at it was now midnight.
"No...I'm not done yet. I want to know what you meant by you playing second fiddle."
"I have already explained it....twice if not more. How else do you wish me to say this? Seriously, I am asking you nicely now....please drop this and we can talk in the morning. I am tired and I really don't want to argue. I am telling you, I very much wish to avoid an argument right now."
"Too bad. We're going to talk about this now....What do you mean?"
I tell her, again, calmly....."I feel and I can't help my feelings....but I feel as if any time I ask to do something with you it's either too hot, you don't feel good, too tired, etc.....but if one of your friends calls...then 'Boom' you're out the door."
"Well, they are my friends and they like to do something except sit."
"And I understand that. It just seems you pick them over me, and I am telling you....I do miss you. I am envious of the time you spend with them. I can't explain it any more simplier than that. And that's unfair you say I just 'sit'.....how many times have I offered to play a board game, take a walk, go to the gym, see a movie, etc....and you always have a reason as to 'no'...so it more feels to me you don't wish to spend time with me. How should I feel?"
"I don't understand."
"Well, I don't know how else to explain it or make it any clearer. Those are my feelings and you don't share that, see that, or in denial....so I don't know what to say. Can we please stop this now?"
"No we need to get this out and over with..."
At this point I have no idea what she is looking for. I can honestly say I am dumbfounded on where she is taking this topic at all at this point. I have a feeling she is just in the mood to argue, no matter what at this point. And I think after reading my email out loud and possibly making some sense my wife feels the need for some reason to make a point or to 'win' in her eyes. I've seen her argue before and she always wants to have the definitive last word, to be able to walk away knowing her pride is intact and somehow she came out on top."
"No....I'm done now."
"Okay...XXXXXXX" (XXXXXX is my mother's name, and she knows its my achilles heal. When my wife really wants to hurt me, she calls me my mothers name. At this point I just say "I'm done"....she crossed the line in my book and I get up and walk upstairs ignoring her rants and reach for an aspirin and get into bed. She follws me into the bedroom and continues to chide me and call me my mother's name. I seriously am fighting the urge to lash out and begin to pray immediatly that God takes away my anger and calms my spirit. What has gotten into her? It's now 12:20am and she seems to be just warming up.
"What? You are now calling me my mom's name? Oh this just gets richer and richer. Any other names you want to call me?" I can't help but laugh now.....not the reactions she was expecting.
"You're an asshole."
"Okay. Bring it on...get it out of your system. Today, I am not the man you married, I'm a hermit, I'm XXXXXX, and now I'm an asshole." I lay in bed breathing evenly and calmly...smiling even.
"Do you want me to leave? This can be over right now. If you don't talk to me, I can walk out this door." Her tone in her voice is serious and she's...what?....now hinting at divorce? Divorce over this? You're kidding me right? No...I don't think she's kidding right now. But I'm not going to stoop down to her level and call her any names or get sucked into a no-win brawl. And in a strange way I'm not sure if I 'm calling her bluff or not, but for a brief moment....I don't care if she leaves....Actually, I kind want her to go right now. For an instant the belief of her walking out the door means I'll have some peace and quiet and actually go to bed like I wanted to in the first place. Let her walk out. She can explain to her parents and family what is going on....it's ain't gonna happen.
But what happens if she gets hurt in her emotional state....or gets pulled over by the police? You know....for that brief moment...I'm okay with that and just envision her in the back of the cop car, the police calling me up and me ignoring the phone. She can call her dad to bail her out. I can't help but think this whole thing is so out of control and I can't even tell you how it got to this point.
"So you're not saying anything?"
"No....I told you for at least the 20th time now. I'm done with this. I don't even know what I'm arguing about right now, let alone where this is going. I asked you numerous times to stop this and table it until tomorrow, And when it comes to name calling...I'm not going there. You crossed the line. I'm done. Period."
My wife stood there for a few minutes continuing to barrage me with questions and demands. I just sat there with my eyes closed...keeping my mouth shut, praying. After a few more minutes of this she finally gave up by calling me a "Pussy who needs to grow a set of balls"...and slammed the door to our bedroom as she went downstairs.
She didn't leave that night...
To be continued....
July 28, 2008
A friend looses a pet
I have a childhood friend who just informed me via e-mail that his cat of just over 15 years passed away on Friday.
Personally, I've never been fond of cats overall. I had been indifferent to them for many years and I never understood the way some owners would fawn over their cats. That is until I became a pet owner myself with my little dog.
I know I mentioned my dog a few times in this blog, and I am unwavering in the fcat that I believe my own experience with my dog was God's way of softening my heart and allwoing me to take a new perspective on a variety of things....especially relationships, compassion, and patience. At my lowest points where I was curled up in a fetal position feeling sorry for myself and angry at the world in general, when my wife was away at work, and phone calls from family and friends became annoying, it was my dog who would curl up next to me and look me in the eyes when I was full of tears and just keep me company.
I think back to the old testament with Adam, and God knew that man was not designed to be alone, so He created Eve for companionship. Though I am not equating the bond of a pet to be exactly like that of another human being, I do agree that there is a bond between humans and there pets, especially when it comes to dogs and cats. I can't think of a day right now in which I do not thank Jesus and the Father for granting me my dog....even if it is a short time on earth. The bible states that there will be animals in heaven, though it's not clear that our own pets will be there due to a possible lack of a 'soul'. But everytime I think of my little boy, I can't help but beleive he does indeed have a soul and so despretely want to believe that dogs and cats go to heaven as well.
My friends cat was a beautiful russian blue. It's fur was a very soft and velvety charcoal color. This is what my friend wrote me in email:
"She would get "sick" become very lethargic to the point of not moving or even going potty for a couple days at a time. Then she'd be good as new. She started being like that Thursday afternoon, and I had a feeling then that the end was near. She even went to a different spot than normal. She found the Guitar Hero III box between the couch and end table and laid down there.
She was in the same place Friday morning and still there Friday evening when I got home from work. She beagan meowing when she saw me so I went over and pet her for a few minutes. Then I took the dogs out because they had been in the house all day long. As the door closed, Momma started howling and crying. She stopped when I came back into the room so I went back over and pet her some more. She was dead within a few minutes of my return."
After I read this I became very weepy myself and it wasn't even my cat. The cat was a very sweet animal. But did I get misty eyed because it was a loss for my friend? Was it because it was touching the way the cat called out to my friend as if to say good bye in it's last moments? Was it because I knew this day will someday also come to me when my little boy must say goodbye to me? Am I just truly over sensitive for a guy and this is just more proof that only through Christ's grace and love that I am being together in one piece? I can't believe I am as sad as I am for a cat I barely even knew. But I am empathetic for my friend and I thank God for what He provides for us in companionship and friendship and it sucks so much when it is taken away. I am just amazed that animals know their time is near, and they move off to a peaceful place to die even up to the very end, they know we are their masters and feel close enough to us to say goodbye in their own way.
Personally, I've never been fond of cats overall. I had been indifferent to them for many years and I never understood the way some owners would fawn over their cats. That is until I became a pet owner myself with my little dog.
I know I mentioned my dog a few times in this blog, and I am unwavering in the fcat that I believe my own experience with my dog was God's way of softening my heart and allwoing me to take a new perspective on a variety of things....especially relationships, compassion, and patience. At my lowest points where I was curled up in a fetal position feeling sorry for myself and angry at the world in general, when my wife was away at work, and phone calls from family and friends became annoying, it was my dog who would curl up next to me and look me in the eyes when I was full of tears and just keep me company.
I think back to the old testament with Adam, and God knew that man was not designed to be alone, so He created Eve for companionship. Though I am not equating the bond of a pet to be exactly like that of another human being, I do agree that there is a bond between humans and there pets, especially when it comes to dogs and cats. I can't think of a day right now in which I do not thank Jesus and the Father for granting me my dog....even if it is a short time on earth. The bible states that there will be animals in heaven, though it's not clear that our own pets will be there due to a possible lack of a 'soul'. But everytime I think of my little boy, I can't help but beleive he does indeed have a soul and so despretely want to believe that dogs and cats go to heaven as well.
My friends cat was a beautiful russian blue. It's fur was a very soft and velvety charcoal color. This is what my friend wrote me in email:
"She would get "sick" become very lethargic to the point of not moving or even going potty for a couple days at a time. Then she'd be good as new. She started being like that Thursday afternoon, and I had a feeling then that the end was near. She even went to a different spot than normal. She found the Guitar Hero III box between the couch and end table and laid down there.
She was in the same place Friday morning and still there Friday evening when I got home from work. She beagan meowing when she saw me so I went over and pet her for a few minutes. Then I took the dogs out because they had been in the house all day long. As the door closed, Momma started howling and crying. She stopped when I came back into the room so I went back over and pet her some more. She was dead within a few minutes of my return."
After I read this I became very weepy myself and it wasn't even my cat. The cat was a very sweet animal. But did I get misty eyed because it was a loss for my friend? Was it because it was touching the way the cat called out to my friend as if to say good bye in it's last moments? Was it because I knew this day will someday also come to me when my little boy must say goodbye to me? Am I just truly over sensitive for a guy and this is just more proof that only through Christ's grace and love that I am being together in one piece? I can't believe I am as sad as I am for a cat I barely even knew. But I am empathetic for my friend and I thank God for what He provides for us in companionship and friendship and it sucks so much when it is taken away. I am just amazed that animals know their time is near, and they move off to a peaceful place to die even up to the very end, they know we are their masters and feel close enough to us to say goodbye in their own way.
July 21, 2008
Sad News
How do you know what will happen tomorrow? For your life is like the morning fog -- it's here a little while, then it's gone. (James 4: 14)
I found out last Thursday that the senior pastor of my church growing up as a boy has prostrate cancer.
Advanced.
The doctors give him no more than two years to live as he waited way to long to ever have it examined, and it has now progressed into his bones and I am told he is already becomming frail.
He is in his early seventies and has a wife, two children and many grandchildren. I'm told he never had his prostrate ever examined as all men should around the age of 40 and every so often thereafter. If they had caught it early on, it could have been treated and most likely cured.
It is now Monday, and I have no idea what to say. For all intents and purposes he is the early church figure who really introduced God to me. It would take years before I really understood that deeply and what it means to me today. He also married my wife and I.
I haven't been to that church in over two years, not since I found my new and I think it was a good move for me on a spiritual level. But it saddens me to know that he will soon be gone, to have his life robbed away from him do to neglect of a standard checkup. What am I going to say to him that he hasn't heard of or thought of before?
Will a phone call suffice? Should I write a long letter? I most certainly should visit in person, but I feel awkward just coming out of the blue, as if it is totally staged.
In other news I called my grandfather up on Saturday to see if he wanted to go to a model train expo with me. I thought it would be nice to spend a few hours with him. Sadly he declined, not because he didn't want to go....he was very apologetic and sincere is saying he was thankful I did call and invite him, but overall he wasn't feeling to well. I believe my grandfather is in his late eighties, if he isn't 90 already. I guess I should know, and I'm not sure why I don't. Perhaps I take it for granted he'll always be here. And he won't. See, he still has all his faculties. He's pretty sharp and can still move about, but he is getting slower and gets exhausted more eaily now.
I suppose one could say he doesn't have much time left either, and only God above knows if he is saved. He hasn't been to church in decades, and while I beleive he does indeed believe in God and heaven and is more or less a good man, I'm not sure if he has a relationship with Christ or is truly saved.
On a few occassions I have tried to very subtley witness to him, and it was greated with some lukewarm reception. I suppose at this age though I can't afford to wait to much longer even if that means making him slightly angry if I bring it up. But I guess I'd rather him be angry with me for a bit (if he does get angry that is) and know that I tried, than to not have said anything and maybe not offer him Christ's good news.
My wife would say this is one of my biggest problems and why I'm an emotional wreck and a hisory of depression.....because I worry so much about everyone else. I worry so much in regards to the alternative, I lose sleep and joy over my own life and circumstances. You know.....she's right.
I found out last Thursday that the senior pastor of my church growing up as a boy has prostrate cancer.
Advanced.
The doctors give him no more than two years to live as he waited way to long to ever have it examined, and it has now progressed into his bones and I am told he is already becomming frail.
He is in his early seventies and has a wife, two children and many grandchildren. I'm told he never had his prostrate ever examined as all men should around the age of 40 and every so often thereafter. If they had caught it early on, it could have been treated and most likely cured.
It is now Monday, and I have no idea what to say. For all intents and purposes he is the early church figure who really introduced God to me. It would take years before I really understood that deeply and what it means to me today. He also married my wife and I.
I haven't been to that church in over two years, not since I found my new and I think it was a good move for me on a spiritual level. But it saddens me to know that he will soon be gone, to have his life robbed away from him do to neglect of a standard checkup. What am I going to say to him that he hasn't heard of or thought of before?
Will a phone call suffice? Should I write a long letter? I most certainly should visit in person, but I feel awkward just coming out of the blue, as if it is totally staged.
In other news I called my grandfather up on Saturday to see if he wanted to go to a model train expo with me. I thought it would be nice to spend a few hours with him. Sadly he declined, not because he didn't want to go....he was very apologetic and sincere is saying he was thankful I did call and invite him, but overall he wasn't feeling to well. I believe my grandfather is in his late eighties, if he isn't 90 already. I guess I should know, and I'm not sure why I don't. Perhaps I take it for granted he'll always be here. And he won't. See, he still has all his faculties. He's pretty sharp and can still move about, but he is getting slower and gets exhausted more eaily now.
I suppose one could say he doesn't have much time left either, and only God above knows if he is saved. He hasn't been to church in decades, and while I beleive he does indeed believe in God and heaven and is more or less a good man, I'm not sure if he has a relationship with Christ or is truly saved.
On a few occassions I have tried to very subtley witness to him, and it was greated with some lukewarm reception. I suppose at this age though I can't afford to wait to much longer even if that means making him slightly angry if I bring it up. But I guess I'd rather him be angry with me for a bit (if he does get angry that is) and know that I tried, than to not have said anything and maybe not offer him Christ's good news.
My wife would say this is one of my biggest problems and why I'm an emotional wreck and a hisory of depression.....because I worry so much about everyone else. I worry so much in regards to the alternative, I lose sleep and joy over my own life and circumstances. You know.....she's right.
July 11, 2008
A Series of Events (Part IV)
Wow. All I can say is that these past two weeks have been filled with plenty of drama and ups and downs.
I apologize for the lack of posting, and since I can be a little verbose, it may take me a few days to catch back up. Usually I go in stretches here of think not only what to say, but how to say it. Now, I'm thinking on how do I catch up and get it all in?
In my last entry I mentioned things between my mother and I had gone a little sour, and I was not overly pleased with my wife either and how she was carrying about with the neighbors.
On Sunday morning I woke up and really needed to go to church, especially since I copped out the day before with some lame excuse of my own volition.
The message that day came from the book of Galations, and by the end of the service I was moved to call my mother and apologize. I needed to apologize for swearing and losing my patience, but not sorry for expressing how I feel and the overall issue of nagging me to death and not listening.
When I got home from chruch I sat down, took a deep breath and dialed my mother. When she answered I began with "Hey, I wanted to apologize for my swear......."and I was cut of and interupted a mere ten seconds into my call. For the next 7:39 minutes (I know this because there is a timer on my phone and the whole call was 7:49) my mother went off on me. I was read the riot act and was told how much I have changed the last few years, how Sunday school apparantly had no effect on me, how ungrateful I was, how rude I was, etc., etc. I was too tired to argue back and decided that anthing I said right now in my defense or arguing any point in her state of mind right now would be fruitless so against my own will I just was able to mutter the occasional "uh-huh"and "yup". Seriously, I don't think my mother took a breath for that whole seven minutes and I was instantly sorry I tried to call.
One thing she said that really hurt my feelings was "You only have time for us when you need something." I'd really like to say I don't think that is the case at all and I personally think that is an unfair statement, hopefully made out of haste and her own frustration at the time and not what she actually thinks. Second, I was a little angry that she said 'us', meaning my father and mother together. No, I don't see how my father has anything to do with this and I have no beef with him at all. This was between her and I, not my parents and I. Lastly, my mother was able to get in a dig at my wife as well without mentioning her name. I knew exactly who and what she meant and I took that as a backhanded uncalled for snipe. But I wasn't going to stoop down this day.
I seriously called to make some sort of ammends, but my mother was having none of it this day. At the end of the 7:49 she ended the call and I think I stood there staring at the phone for a few seconds, once again, wondering what the hell did I do this time? Perhaps my mother doesn't know my heart, but I know that God knows I was repentant (and still am) for losing my cool the day before and I had decent intentions. But I was also angry enough to say to myself "Fine. You think I ask for help only when I need it? Well, this is the last time I call for anything."
I was so bummed out at that moment, I called my neighbor up and asked if he wanted to go out for some buffalo wings and beer. I needed to get out of the house. Surprisingly he agreed and we went to the local pub and must have ate 60+ wings between us along with some cold ones.
That's exactly what the doctor ordered. I needed some 'man' time and get away from all this drama I find myself in the middle of unwittingly.
To be continued....
I apologize for the lack of posting, and since I can be a little verbose, it may take me a few days to catch back up. Usually I go in stretches here of think not only what to say, but how to say it. Now, I'm thinking on how do I catch up and get it all in?
In my last entry I mentioned things between my mother and I had gone a little sour, and I was not overly pleased with my wife either and how she was carrying about with the neighbors.
On Sunday morning I woke up and really needed to go to church, especially since I copped out the day before with some lame excuse of my own volition.
The message that day came from the book of Galations, and by the end of the service I was moved to call my mother and apologize. I needed to apologize for swearing and losing my patience, but not sorry for expressing how I feel and the overall issue of nagging me to death and not listening.
When I got home from chruch I sat down, took a deep breath and dialed my mother. When she answered I began with "Hey, I wanted to apologize for my swear......."and I was cut of and interupted a mere ten seconds into my call. For the next 7:39 minutes (I know this because there is a timer on my phone and the whole call was 7:49) my mother went off on me. I was read the riot act and was told how much I have changed the last few years, how Sunday school apparantly had no effect on me, how ungrateful I was, how rude I was, etc., etc. I was too tired to argue back and decided that anthing I said right now in my defense or arguing any point in her state of mind right now would be fruitless so against my own will I just was able to mutter the occasional "uh-huh"and "yup". Seriously, I don't think my mother took a breath for that whole seven minutes and I was instantly sorry I tried to call.
One thing she said that really hurt my feelings was "You only have time for us when you need something." I'd really like to say I don't think that is the case at all and I personally think that is an unfair statement, hopefully made out of haste and her own frustration at the time and not what she actually thinks. Second, I was a little angry that she said 'us', meaning my father and mother together. No, I don't see how my father has anything to do with this and I have no beef with him at all. This was between her and I, not my parents and I. Lastly, my mother was able to get in a dig at my wife as well without mentioning her name. I knew exactly who and what she meant and I took that as a backhanded uncalled for snipe. But I wasn't going to stoop down this day.
I seriously called to make some sort of ammends, but my mother was having none of it this day. At the end of the 7:49 she ended the call and I think I stood there staring at the phone for a few seconds, once again, wondering what the hell did I do this time? Perhaps my mother doesn't know my heart, but I know that God knows I was repentant (and still am) for losing my cool the day before and I had decent intentions. But I was also angry enough to say to myself "Fine. You think I ask for help only when I need it? Well, this is the last time I call for anything."
I was so bummed out at that moment, I called my neighbor up and asked if he wanted to go out for some buffalo wings and beer. I needed to get out of the house. Surprisingly he agreed and we went to the local pub and must have ate 60+ wings between us along with some cold ones.
That's exactly what the doctor ordered. I needed some 'man' time and get away from all this drama I find myself in the middle of unwittingly.
To be continued....
July 02, 2008
A Series of Events (Part III) - Saturday Afternoon
As I said, I made the call at 3pm already dreading it as I dialed.
My mother answered and proceeded to launch into this long, drawn out, convoluted tale that a second cousin of mine supposedly also has Chronic Uticaria and has been living with it for 30+ years. Now I find this very odd only in the snese that when I had my initial breakout, I actually spent a few days with my cousin back in 2006 and both her and her husband seeing me in this state never offered up any information regarding her own bouts with uticaria, let alone make any snap diagnosis or advice on what to do.
What further began to annoy me (and I take full responsibility for my lack of patience), is the fact it took my mom almost 10 minutes to spit out a 15 second piece of information, with many backtracks and repetitions in the story.
The story was then followed up by the usual questions that I've answered at least 50 times before: "What are you taking? What are you eating? How many blood tests have you had? What medication are you taking? When was the last time? Will you see a hemotoligist if I set up an appointment?" My God, I feel like banging my head against the wall because I have this exact same conversation every single time and my answers are still the same and they don't waiver. I feel like I should write out a FAQ white paper and mail it to her.
As if that wasn't bad enough....my cousins husband (who has no medical training whatsoever) recommended to my mother that I stop taking antihistamines. WHAT? I have to remind my mother, yet again, that I have seen 4 seperate doctors and all 4 of them have prescribed to me the anti-histamines....and when I take them....my symptoms, while they do not disapear, are indeed lessened and makes my situation much more manageable.
This is then followed up by the often repeated knee jerk DON'T list: Don't eat tomatoes. Don't eat shellfish. Stay away from sushi. Don't drink alcohol. Don't go outside. Don't do this....don't do that....blah, blah, blah.
Mind you, the last few days I have had to explain everyone I come into contact with who sees me there question of "What's wrong?". The amount of pills I take everyday along with their various side effects makes me grumpy. Topped off with the way my wife carries on and on about it as well with her illogical conclusions really begins to push my buttons and grate on me.
Before you know it, I do indeed begin to lose it. I end up swearing in general out of frustration, which of course now sends my mother in a tizzy on the other end of the phone asking "Why do I treat her like this? Why am I swearing at her?", followed by by her infamous guilt trips. I'd like to point out that even though I did swear, it was not at my mother, it was to no one in particular....just an immature response to the ether from my built up tension.
My mother then turns the conversation into how I am ungrateful for her help and then manages to bring my dad into the picture as well. Now I am accused of not treating "them" with any respect, never picking up the phone, never returning calls (an outright fabrictaion of epic proportions), how Christianity hasn't taught me anything, and how I've changed the last few year...and not for the better.
I try an explain 'calmly' that she doesn't listen to me, that my frustration stems from the fact that every call lately is me answering the same questions over and over and over again. That no matter how manty times I tell her I've seen a doctor, or taken bllod tests, allergy tests, told her the medications I am currently taking....I have to start and explain from scratch each and every time. Couple that with actually living with the discomfort and playing Q&A with all my neighbors and coworkers...yes....I get a little agitated.
She eventually hung up on me in tears.
Of course I am saddened once again our conversations end the way they do. I do not want her to cry, nor did I mean to hurt her feelings. I also know and appreciate her concern and willingness to help. I am also sorry I swore out loud. However, I am not sorry that I said "You don't listen.", nor am I apologetic for pointing out the continued contradiction of some of her advice when it comes to what the doctors and research tells me as compared to my second cousins husband.
I sit down and try to collect my thoughts, replaying the whole thing in my head and asking God to point out where I went wrong, and how to manage it in the future so I don't get sucked into that dark and bitter place, especially when it comes to my mom.
Then of course my wife has to chime in now and give me her $.02 on what she just witnessed. I'm too tired to comment back, so I just let her talk, hearing only half of it, ignoring the ihe other half.
I'd really like a drink right now and to be alone for a bit.
As the afternoon turns into evening, my wife decides to hang out with the neighbors out front. As usual it's all about sitting in a circle with open wine bottles, cigarette after cigarette, and idle chatter. I only go out for a few minutes to say "Hi", but quite frankly would rather be inside.
Ten minutes later I tell my wife I'm going back in the house, which is met with "Why?" in front of everyone. I don't want to voice anything in front of my neighbors and really say "Because this is boring and I have better things to do than to watch you all smoke and drink and talk about who knows what and gossip", so I simply say "I don't feel all that well".
I end up reading a book for a while and watching a very interesting documentary on NASA before I go to bed. I peek outside and I see my wife with the women neighbors...still sitting in the same circle they have been for hours...smoking and drinking....and I catch myself shaking my head in mild disgust. I also wonder why my wife can't make time for church knowing how important it is to me, but can spend hours upon hours doing nothing of grand importance with the neighbors.
I go to bed and pray that sleep noty only comes quickly so that this day will end, but ask God for foregiveness for my judgemental thoughts and allowing my mind to go to dark places today...
To be continued....
My mother answered and proceeded to launch into this long, drawn out, convoluted tale that a second cousin of mine supposedly also has Chronic Uticaria and has been living with it for 30+ years. Now I find this very odd only in the snese that when I had my initial breakout, I actually spent a few days with my cousin back in 2006 and both her and her husband seeing me in this state never offered up any information regarding her own bouts with uticaria, let alone make any snap diagnosis or advice on what to do.
What further began to annoy me (and I take full responsibility for my lack of patience), is the fact it took my mom almost 10 minutes to spit out a 15 second piece of information, with many backtracks and repetitions in the story.
The story was then followed up by the usual questions that I've answered at least 50 times before: "What are you taking? What are you eating? How many blood tests have you had? What medication are you taking? When was the last time? Will you see a hemotoligist if I set up an appointment?" My God, I feel like banging my head against the wall because I have this exact same conversation every single time and my answers are still the same and they don't waiver. I feel like I should write out a FAQ white paper and mail it to her.
As if that wasn't bad enough....my cousins husband (who has no medical training whatsoever) recommended to my mother that I stop taking antihistamines. WHAT? I have to remind my mother, yet again, that I have seen 4 seperate doctors and all 4 of them have prescribed to me the anti-histamines....and when I take them....my symptoms, while they do not disapear, are indeed lessened and makes my situation much more manageable.
This is then followed up by the often repeated knee jerk DON'T list: Don't eat tomatoes. Don't eat shellfish. Stay away from sushi. Don't drink alcohol. Don't go outside. Don't do this....don't do that....blah, blah, blah.
Mind you, the last few days I have had to explain everyone I come into contact with who sees me there question of "What's wrong?". The amount of pills I take everyday along with their various side effects makes me grumpy. Topped off with the way my wife carries on and on about it as well with her illogical conclusions really begins to push my buttons and grate on me.
Before you know it, I do indeed begin to lose it. I end up swearing in general out of frustration, which of course now sends my mother in a tizzy on the other end of the phone asking "Why do I treat her like this? Why am I swearing at her?", followed by by her infamous guilt trips. I'd like to point out that even though I did swear, it was not at my mother, it was to no one in particular....just an immature response to the ether from my built up tension.
My mother then turns the conversation into how I am ungrateful for her help and then manages to bring my dad into the picture as well. Now I am accused of not treating "them" with any respect, never picking up the phone, never returning calls (an outright fabrictaion of epic proportions), how Christianity hasn't taught me anything, and how I've changed the last few year...and not for the better.
I try an explain 'calmly' that she doesn't listen to me, that my frustration stems from the fact that every call lately is me answering the same questions over and over and over again. That no matter how manty times I tell her I've seen a doctor, or taken bllod tests, allergy tests, told her the medications I am currently taking....I have to start and explain from scratch each and every time. Couple that with actually living with the discomfort and playing Q&A with all my neighbors and coworkers...yes....I get a little agitated.
She eventually hung up on me in tears.
Of course I am saddened once again our conversations end the way they do. I do not want her to cry, nor did I mean to hurt her feelings. I also know and appreciate her concern and willingness to help. I am also sorry I swore out loud. However, I am not sorry that I said "You don't listen.", nor am I apologetic for pointing out the continued contradiction of some of her advice when it comes to what the doctors and research tells me as compared to my second cousins husband.
I sit down and try to collect my thoughts, replaying the whole thing in my head and asking God to point out where I went wrong, and how to manage it in the future so I don't get sucked into that dark and bitter place, especially when it comes to my mom.
Then of course my wife has to chime in now and give me her $.02 on what she just witnessed. I'm too tired to comment back, so I just let her talk, hearing only half of it, ignoring the ihe other half.
I'd really like a drink right now and to be alone for a bit.
As the afternoon turns into evening, my wife decides to hang out with the neighbors out front. As usual it's all about sitting in a circle with open wine bottles, cigarette after cigarette, and idle chatter. I only go out for a few minutes to say "Hi", but quite frankly would rather be inside.
Ten minutes later I tell my wife I'm going back in the house, which is met with "Why?" in front of everyone. I don't want to voice anything in front of my neighbors and really say "Because this is boring and I have better things to do than to watch you all smoke and drink and talk about who knows what and gossip", so I simply say "I don't feel all that well".
I end up reading a book for a while and watching a very interesting documentary on NASA before I go to bed. I peek outside and I see my wife with the women neighbors...still sitting in the same circle they have been for hours...smoking and drinking....and I catch myself shaking my head in mild disgust. I also wonder why my wife can't make time for church knowing how important it is to me, but can spend hours upon hours doing nothing of grand importance with the neighbors.
I go to bed and pray that sleep noty only comes quickly so that this day will end, but ask God for foregiveness for my judgemental thoughts and allowing my mind to go to dark places today...
To be continued....
June 05, 2008
A new round of tests and counseling (Part II)
I met my confidant over at the church and we were able to secure a regular classroom to talk.
I sat across from him at a large table in grade school like chairs and removed my sun glasses. I told him to give me a minute as I needed to collect my thoughts as I really didn't have time to prepare what I was going to say. Bless his heart on his patience with me.
I decided that the best course of action, if I really wanted some 'real' advice was to give him the full skinny. A brief synopsis of the past few years. I told him about when I started to feel a personality shift within me, when things weren't always looking so rosy anymore, my ups and downs in marriage, the panic attacks, the hives, the inability to have a child, the job loss, the death of my uncle, the medication, the shrinks, the anger/confusion/abandonment feelings from God, the guilt and shame I feel when I look in the mirror, the hatred I was developing for people and situations in general, my insecurities, and finally the thoughts of 'giving-up'.
Amazingly I did it in under 10 minutes. I tried to be succinct and to maintain my composure the best I could, but it was a relief, and I sobbed.
He listened without interruption and took a few minutes himself to digest.
He then shared some of his own struggles throughout his life and shared that he also felt similar things at various times in his life. But the key he said he felt about me, and his observations on me the last months was that God didn't abandon me, nor I abandon God.....the fact was I did not feel I was worthy of God's grace and forgiveness...that I could not accept the fact that I was 'saved'...that I felt I must continually work at penance (most likely from my Catholic roots). To sum it up...I have never taken the time to forgive myself, even though Christ did. And until I came to that realization and acceptance, I would never be internally happy. If I could not feel His love and peace and accept I was forgiven, the darkness would always be present and would boil over into all facets of my life.
And the devil knows this, and uses this this to make my life miserable here on earth. He further explained that since I was already 'forgiven' and 'saved', that Satan has already lost the war on my soul, but was sure to press my buttons here in my mortal shell to always make me think I am unworthy of God's peace and grace.
He told me that I should read the book of Romans, particularly chapter 8.
So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. For the power of the life giving Spirit has freed you through Christ Jesus from the power of sin that leads to death. (Romans 8: 1-2)
Our conversation lasted a total of just over an hour, and there was some quiet times, a few more tears, a lot of self introspection. Though I was still feeling bad, it was nice to unload, and to unload on someone who didn't appear to judge me, or ask me weird questions about my upbringing, mommy issues, sexual trauma, etc. I felt genuine concern and advice and care from this person. He wants to talk again in the next few days to see how I'm doing, and he gave me a book from C.S. Lewis called the 'Screwtape Letters' he wants me to read. It's a novel about two demons who plot and scheme to mess with peoples minds, and all the tricks of the trade to make us humans feel unworthy of God's love, filling our minds and hearts with doubt, self-pity, confusion, etc. I promised I would indeed read it.
We walked out together silently and he said a prayer with me.
Now the next hurdle of the day....going home and facing my wife and the rest of the night.
To be continued....
I sat across from him at a large table in grade school like chairs and removed my sun glasses. I told him to give me a minute as I needed to collect my thoughts as I really didn't have time to prepare what I was going to say. Bless his heart on his patience with me.
I decided that the best course of action, if I really wanted some 'real' advice was to give him the full skinny. A brief synopsis of the past few years. I told him about when I started to feel a personality shift within me, when things weren't always looking so rosy anymore, my ups and downs in marriage, the panic attacks, the hives, the inability to have a child, the job loss, the death of my uncle, the medication, the shrinks, the anger/confusion/abandonment feelings from God, the guilt and shame I feel when I look in the mirror, the hatred I was developing for people and situations in general, my insecurities, and finally the thoughts of 'giving-up'.
Amazingly I did it in under 10 minutes. I tried to be succinct and to maintain my composure the best I could, but it was a relief, and I sobbed.
He listened without interruption and took a few minutes himself to digest.
He then shared some of his own struggles throughout his life and shared that he also felt similar things at various times in his life. But the key he said he felt about me, and his observations on me the last months was that God didn't abandon me, nor I abandon God.....the fact was I did not feel I was worthy of God's grace and forgiveness...that I could not accept the fact that I was 'saved'...that I felt I must continually work at penance (most likely from my Catholic roots). To sum it up...I have never taken the time to forgive myself, even though Christ did. And until I came to that realization and acceptance, I would never be internally happy. If I could not feel His love and peace and accept I was forgiven, the darkness would always be present and would boil over into all facets of my life.
And the devil knows this, and uses this this to make my life miserable here on earth. He further explained that since I was already 'forgiven' and 'saved', that Satan has already lost the war on my soul, but was sure to press my buttons here in my mortal shell to always make me think I am unworthy of God's peace and grace.
He told me that I should read the book of Romans, particularly chapter 8.
So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. For the power of the life giving Spirit has freed you through Christ Jesus from the power of sin that leads to death. (Romans 8: 1-2)
Our conversation lasted a total of just over an hour, and there was some quiet times, a few more tears, a lot of self introspection. Though I was still feeling bad, it was nice to unload, and to unload on someone who didn't appear to judge me, or ask me weird questions about my upbringing, mommy issues, sexual trauma, etc. I felt genuine concern and advice and care from this person. He wants to talk again in the next few days to see how I'm doing, and he gave me a book from C.S. Lewis called the 'Screwtape Letters' he wants me to read. It's a novel about two demons who plot and scheme to mess with peoples minds, and all the tricks of the trade to make us humans feel unworthy of God's love, filling our minds and hearts with doubt, self-pity, confusion, etc. I promised I would indeed read it.
We walked out together silently and he said a prayer with me.
Now the next hurdle of the day....going home and facing my wife and the rest of the night.
To be continued....
June 04, 2008
A new round of tests and counseling (Part I)
With my hives out of control (I'm now convinced that they are indeed related to my ungodly stress level) I left work early to see my doctor. Surprisingly I weighed in a bit less than I thought I was going to...a diet consisting of worry and heartache can do wonders for the waistline.
I sat in the office dreading the conversation, because I knew my chart would pull up my past medical history which would also include Lexapro & Clonzapam and sleep medication.
The nice doctor sat in front of me, took a look at my skin, took my blood pressure, asked me the standard battery of questions and decided to talk to me about stress, insomnia, and my breathing. I was of course honest. I told him I have a history of mild panic attacks. He then asked me more about my stress, (I could see what was coming next and I swore I wasn't going to tear up.) and asked if there was anything currently going on. I told him there was some problems at home, and of course my eyes began to well up. He handed me a tissue.
Then the kicker: "Do you want to hurt yourself?"...."No. Not now", I repsonded.
"Have you had sucicidal thoughts?".....I sighed very deeply..."Yes, maybe a few years back."
It just hung out there for a minute.
"Have you see a psychiatrist?"......"Yes, but in honesty....I don't think it helped. All it accomplished was making my wallet lighter."
"You need to see one again son." He handed me a pamphlet on managing stress. I had a hard time looking him in the eye at that moment. I hate those pamphlets...like some stupid tri-leaf telling me to exercise more, hang around exciting people, and talk about my problems, accented by goofy cartoon figures is gonna solve my problems.
"We want to do an EKG on you as long as you are here."
I laid back down on the table and a nurse came in and labeled my skin in various pint with diodes and what not and a machine was wheeled in to measure my heart. The test took about 5 minutes and was painless, and the doctor returned after a few to discuss the results.
"Well, it looks okay....However, I'd like to send you to another facility for a treadmill stress test. Do that and we'll talk again."
He wrote me out a perscription for some steroids for my rash and I was on my way.
I sauntered out to the parking lot where my car was and just sat down in the driver seat again for a few minutes. I could feel the warmth emmanating from my cloth seats from being in the sun and glanced again at the stress pamphlet. Just glanced and turned it over...didn't read it. I've read it 100 times before.
It's now 4:30 pm. I decide I need to talk to someone else...a confidant from my church. I give him a ring and thankfully he is home. I simply ask if he can meet me to talk. I really don't know what I want to say, but he's going to meet me in 15 minutes at our church.
I think about this for a minute, and can't help but think about it again as I sit and type out this entry.....I don't want to tell my parents....I don't want to tell my in-laws.....I don't want to talk to my childhood friends.....I don't even want to tell my wife right now (and honestly, I'm not sure she's even understand...she hasn't before, so why would today be any diffrent). Yes, I called a elder in my church to be around with for a while....possibly to vent....just some companionship really.....I just want someone to listen who isn't related and doesn't want my money for a change.
I'm off to meet him....
to be continued.....
I sat in the office dreading the conversation, because I knew my chart would pull up my past medical history which would also include Lexapro & Clonzapam and sleep medication.
The nice doctor sat in front of me, took a look at my skin, took my blood pressure, asked me the standard battery of questions and decided to talk to me about stress, insomnia, and my breathing. I was of course honest. I told him I have a history of mild panic attacks. He then asked me more about my stress, (I could see what was coming next and I swore I wasn't going to tear up.) and asked if there was anything currently going on. I told him there was some problems at home, and of course my eyes began to well up. He handed me a tissue.
Then the kicker: "Do you want to hurt yourself?"...."No. Not now", I repsonded.
"Have you had sucicidal thoughts?".....I sighed very deeply..."Yes, maybe a few years back."
It just hung out there for a minute.
"Have you see a psychiatrist?"......"Yes, but in honesty....I don't think it helped. All it accomplished was making my wallet lighter."
"You need to see one again son." He handed me a pamphlet on managing stress. I had a hard time looking him in the eye at that moment. I hate those pamphlets...like some stupid tri-leaf telling me to exercise more, hang around exciting people, and talk about my problems, accented by goofy cartoon figures is gonna solve my problems.
"We want to do an EKG on you as long as you are here."
I laid back down on the table and a nurse came in and labeled my skin in various pint with diodes and what not and a machine was wheeled in to measure my heart. The test took about 5 minutes and was painless, and the doctor returned after a few to discuss the results.
"Well, it looks okay....However, I'd like to send you to another facility for a treadmill stress test. Do that and we'll talk again."
He wrote me out a perscription for some steroids for my rash and I was on my way.
I sauntered out to the parking lot where my car was and just sat down in the driver seat again for a few minutes. I could feel the warmth emmanating from my cloth seats from being in the sun and glanced again at the stress pamphlet. Just glanced and turned it over...didn't read it. I've read it 100 times before.
It's now 4:30 pm. I decide I need to talk to someone else...a confidant from my church. I give him a ring and thankfully he is home. I simply ask if he can meet me to talk. I really don't know what I want to say, but he's going to meet me in 15 minutes at our church.
I think about this for a minute, and can't help but think about it again as I sit and type out this entry.....I don't want to tell my parents....I don't want to tell my in-laws.....I don't want to talk to my childhood friends.....I don't even want to tell my wife right now (and honestly, I'm not sure she's even understand...she hasn't before, so why would today be any diffrent). Yes, I called a elder in my church to be around with for a while....possibly to vent....just some companionship really.....I just want someone to listen who isn't related and doesn't want my money for a change.
I'm off to meet him....
to be continued.....
June 03, 2008
A new low
I'm taking a break from by child rearing and infant related posts for a few days because it appears I have taken a major step back in both my relationship with my wife, my struggles with spirituality, and my health.
First my health: Years ago before I started seeking medical help for what I was concluding was depression, one of the other symptoms I was experiencing was a tightening in my chest, a difficulty of both swallowing and breathing, and an overall restless and fidgety feeling. At times it could be somewhat very uncomfortable and borderline painful. The pain seems to center just behind my sternum and feels like someone is squeezing a ball within my chest. I tried to hide my discomfort from both family and friends, and at first thinking I was just having a very bad case of indigestion...but there was never any gas or burning reflux associated with it.
When I had my blood pressure taken, it was a bit high despite a well balanced diet and considerable exercise. In short I came to learn that a certain amount of stress was leading to mild to intermediate level panic attacks. They could come at any time: at rest or at work, eating or not....A sense of dire urgency would rush over my system and almost leave me incapacitated. The quick cure was sedatives, or more commonly pills which I am to take when I sense an onset to help calm me down. The doctor was a bit concerend about my high blood pressure despite relatively normal blood panels. I was a time bomb ticking...and on rare occasion still am. I came to learn that certain triggers also mirrored my mental stability and my onset of depression.
Well, those feelings of anxiety have returned again recently. I have had a few 'mild' experiences over the past two weeks, enough so where I have taken a few pills to try and relax.
Another side effect of stress is that I develop hives. Very inflamatory hives over the surface of my body. I have seen a regular doctor, a dermatologist, a blood specialist, and finally an allergist. I have biopsies of my skin taken, blood drawn, full panel allergy tests and they all come back with nothing out of the ordinary. A medicine cocktail of Predisone, Zyrtec, Benadryl, Ratadine, and anti itch cream is the general course of action. Sometimes they help, sometimes they don't.
My wife is very angry with me again too, and to be honest, I seriously don't know why. I personally thought I was doing her a favor the other day, actually going out of my way for her to do do something that I thought she'd appreciate. Well, not only was it not appreciated, which was a surprise, it landed me in the doghouse, in my own house where I was read the riot act. The riot act was peppered with strong language and I'll admit that not only was I stunned and speechless, I couldn't get a word in edge wise even if I wanted to. I tried, but she wasn't listening. She didn't want to listen. Her mind was made up on something that was not true and even Johnny Cochran wouldn't be able to explain it away to her. I really fought the temptation to get mad and rage right back. I can only sit there for so long getting raked over the coals and not be expected to say something in my defense. There was even a brief second my anger was mounting so high, I may have taken a swing at her and I'm ashamed at that. Despite my crying and sensitive nature, I am a big guy and there is no doubt I could hurt someone physically if I don't keep myself in check.
This makes me terribly sad and hurt. More hurt that I can put into words right now and perhaps a factor in why my hives and rash are so out of control right now. I have no outlet for my pain and grief and frustration other than my tears and teh strength of God almighty....but I'll be honest....I don't think God is particularly listening to me right now. We are taught that God never abandons us, never leaves if we call, that He is only a prayer away. I'm ashamed to say to right now that I feel as if He is taking a smoke break when I call upon Him. As if I leave a message at the heavenly switchboard and it just get erased or never passed on.
My wife has pretty much banned me from speaking with her parents and sister regarding 'our' issues, and more or less wishes I didn't speak to my parents as well. That would be opening up yet another pandoras box in her eyes and the ire is unmistakenable. But Heck, she doesn't want to listen to me and I really have no one else to vent to, which tends to just make my problems fester and be contained within myself and I want to scream at the top of my lungs.
I sit and feel I have no one to go to, lest I seek a counsler at $100+ dollars an hour just to tell me I may have 'mommy' issues. I've asked my wife to go to marriage counseling with me, but she has flat out said no. I feel as I am trapped at times, with a person who says she loves me and occasionally does show her affection....but its very few and far apart. There is much more bad than good right now, and it hurts me so much to know how much I love a person and I feel that as if she takes me for granted the majority of the time. It seems I am constantly walking on eggshells, and I can't help but wonder if my whole marriage will be like this from here on out. It hasn't even been 5 years. Can I go another 5? 10? A lifetime on being on the shortend of the stick no matter what I try and do?
I've also been told that marriage is sacred, a holy contract. I've been taught that God only gives us so much as we can handle. I'm really starting to question these things. Both my physical and mental health are constantly in flux or beaten down. My will to please and to sacrifice anymore is rapidly depleting. My emotional tank is depleting fast. I don't think my wife loves me the way she used to or said she did years ago. I am tired of being so alone and not being able to talk to anyone except strangers who want to charge me money I don't have the luxury of spending.
Right now I feel at an all time low, and quiet frankly my life, my marriage, my sanity.....they all suck...and that's a mild word of how I am actually feeling. I look back at my life right now and I am despretly trying to locate the timeframe where everything began going south. I can't find it.
Seriously, I hate my life right now. I truly, unequivically HATE my existance.
First my health: Years ago before I started seeking medical help for what I was concluding was depression, one of the other symptoms I was experiencing was a tightening in my chest, a difficulty of both swallowing and breathing, and an overall restless and fidgety feeling. At times it could be somewhat very uncomfortable and borderline painful. The pain seems to center just behind my sternum and feels like someone is squeezing a ball within my chest. I tried to hide my discomfort from both family and friends, and at first thinking I was just having a very bad case of indigestion...but there was never any gas or burning reflux associated with it.
When I had my blood pressure taken, it was a bit high despite a well balanced diet and considerable exercise. In short I came to learn that a certain amount of stress was leading to mild to intermediate level panic attacks. They could come at any time: at rest or at work, eating or not....A sense of dire urgency would rush over my system and almost leave me incapacitated. The quick cure was sedatives, or more commonly pills which I am to take when I sense an onset to help calm me down. The doctor was a bit concerend about my high blood pressure despite relatively normal blood panels. I was a time bomb ticking...and on rare occasion still am. I came to learn that certain triggers also mirrored my mental stability and my onset of depression.
Well, those feelings of anxiety have returned again recently. I have had a few 'mild' experiences over the past two weeks, enough so where I have taken a few pills to try and relax.
Another side effect of stress is that I develop hives. Very inflamatory hives over the surface of my body. I have seen a regular doctor, a dermatologist, a blood specialist, and finally an allergist. I have biopsies of my skin taken, blood drawn, full panel allergy tests and they all come back with nothing out of the ordinary. A medicine cocktail of Predisone, Zyrtec, Benadryl, Ratadine, and anti itch cream is the general course of action. Sometimes they help, sometimes they don't.
My wife is very angry with me again too, and to be honest, I seriously don't know why. I personally thought I was doing her a favor the other day, actually going out of my way for her to do do something that I thought she'd appreciate. Well, not only was it not appreciated, which was a surprise, it landed me in the doghouse, in my own house where I was read the riot act. The riot act was peppered with strong language and I'll admit that not only was I stunned and speechless, I couldn't get a word in edge wise even if I wanted to. I tried, but she wasn't listening. She didn't want to listen. Her mind was made up on something that was not true and even Johnny Cochran wouldn't be able to explain it away to her. I really fought the temptation to get mad and rage right back. I can only sit there for so long getting raked over the coals and not be expected to say something in my defense. There was even a brief second my anger was mounting so high, I may have taken a swing at her and I'm ashamed at that. Despite my crying and sensitive nature, I am a big guy and there is no doubt I could hurt someone physically if I don't keep myself in check.
This makes me terribly sad and hurt. More hurt that I can put into words right now and perhaps a factor in why my hives and rash are so out of control right now. I have no outlet for my pain and grief and frustration other than my tears and teh strength of God almighty....but I'll be honest....I don't think God is particularly listening to me right now. We are taught that God never abandons us, never leaves if we call, that He is only a prayer away. I'm ashamed to say to right now that I feel as if He is taking a smoke break when I call upon Him. As if I leave a message at the heavenly switchboard and it just get erased or never passed on.
My wife has pretty much banned me from speaking with her parents and sister regarding 'our' issues, and more or less wishes I didn't speak to my parents as well. That would be opening up yet another pandoras box in her eyes and the ire is unmistakenable. But Heck, she doesn't want to listen to me and I really have no one else to vent to, which tends to just make my problems fester and be contained within myself and I want to scream at the top of my lungs.
I sit and feel I have no one to go to, lest I seek a counsler at $100+ dollars an hour just to tell me I may have 'mommy' issues. I've asked my wife to go to marriage counseling with me, but she has flat out said no. I feel as I am trapped at times, with a person who says she loves me and occasionally does show her affection....but its very few and far apart. There is much more bad than good right now, and it hurts me so much to know how much I love a person and I feel that as if she takes me for granted the majority of the time. It seems I am constantly walking on eggshells, and I can't help but wonder if my whole marriage will be like this from here on out. It hasn't even been 5 years. Can I go another 5? 10? A lifetime on being on the shortend of the stick no matter what I try and do?
I've also been told that marriage is sacred, a holy contract. I've been taught that God only gives us so much as we can handle. I'm really starting to question these things. Both my physical and mental health are constantly in flux or beaten down. My will to please and to sacrifice anymore is rapidly depleting. My emotional tank is depleting fast. I don't think my wife loves me the way she used to or said she did years ago. I am tired of being so alone and not being able to talk to anyone except strangers who want to charge me money I don't have the luxury of spending.
Right now I feel at an all time low, and quiet frankly my life, my marriage, my sanity.....they all suck...and that's a mild word of how I am actually feeling. I look back at my life right now and I am despretly trying to locate the timeframe where everything began going south. I can't find it.
Seriously, I hate my life right now. I truly, unequivically HATE my existance.
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