Vacation Needed

This last week, I've been really craving some time away from home, and work, and family.

I haven't been on a real vacation in years.  When I say real vacation, I mean out of state or country to someplace new I've never been too before for more than an extended weekend.

The last 3 day weekend I had away from home, with friends, was July 2011...and it rained 1/2 the time, and was only 1.5 hours away from home.

I really just want to decompress for a few days, and I don't mean sitting at home watching Nteflix and throwing back an occassional beer here and there.

No, I want to sit out on a balcony and watch the sun set.  I want to experience a nice meal at a fancy restaraunt.  I want to sleep in a cozy bed without having to get up at 6am to feed the dog.  And probably most importantly....I want to sit in a jacuzzi, close my eyes, and feel the warm water melt away the tension that has plagued me for so many months.

I saw this picture and feel this may be the place to go for a few days.  If not now, then when?  That's the big issue.  When?  I have to stop worrying about what other people think of me, under their watchful eyes for me to make a misstep or a wrong move and just live MY life.  F 'em.

Annoying tension

I had anotehr fabulous weekend for all intents and purposes, but today I could use one of my anxiety pills, and I'm not sure why I can't just 'let go'.

Last Thursday was my 9 year anniversary.  My estranged wife spent time with her friends...I stayed home.  I ignored her text earlier in the day, and the stupid photo she posted about sunsets are sometimes more than sunsets.

Whatev's....

Saturday I was super tired and in bed by 9:30 due to a lack of sleep from the night before.  I actually slept in until about 8am Sunday, which is even more reare for me.  My pup is doing fine after a minor procedure and we took a late morning walk after church.  My wife was at my SIL/BIL's house, whooping it up at their annual costume party (My secret: - I don't care.)

Then yesterday afternoon I spent time with my old grammar school chums.  We had a ball telling stories and jokes while sampling some microbrews and wings.  It was a great day by any standard.

Then today, my ex called me at 10:00 am knowing that I am at work.  Why do I allow myself to get sucked into these calls?  For the next 20 minutes I heard how she changed.  I'll admit....it did tug at my heart-strings a bit, but I didn't budge.  I didn't waver.

These conversations are getting very repetitive, and irritating.  But I do understand she is trying to 'reconcile'.  I told her today, blunty, that I'm glad she believes she has changed, but again, I went down a laundry list of reasons as to why I am making this stand.  I could not be any clearer today that I am protecting myself, bith financially and emotionally.  That I will not be walked on again, taking advantage of, be anyone's door mat.  I am not going to work until I am 70 years old to continue to her out and her history or repetitive bad decisions. 

Maybe she has changed....if so, let the next guy revel in it.

No, after my BIL pulled his calling stunt a month back and then my MIL seemingly turned on me telling me I wasn't a Christian.

She asked me why I wasn't giving her a chance.  I told her I gave her numerous chances, more so than any sane man would have (so says her own father), only for her to reject them over and over and over again and put herself first.  Above her husband.  Above her marriage.  Above her child.  Abover her responsibilities. Above God.

No..she hates the fact she is living with her parents at 42.  She hates the fact I'm not there to talk down to.  She hates the fact that I grew a set.  She hates the fact that I can seemingly function without her.  She hates the fact she has to tell any future suitors she had 2 failed marriages by age 41.  She hates the fact that I am going out with friends and her parents are keeping an eye on her.  Of course she's on her best behavior....now.

But that doesn't stop the anxiety within me.  She has always had the ability to go for my emotional jugular.  Deep down I am a softie.  She knows that.  I know that.

Well, you can blame your sister for my new found fortitude.  She's the one that told me and my parents that I needed to grow a pair of balls.  You're just surprised I took her advice and began to actually grow them.

Survived

Today is Friday, and for all intents and purposes I survived yesterday....my 9th wedding anniversary.

I stayed home, made myself some fish and steamed veggies, poured myself a drink, and watched TV with my pooch.

I know she went to a BBQ with some of her friends, (formerly mine I suppose), perhaps to lift her own spirits.

We didn't speak at all yesterday, just the single text from her and my reply.  She made one snide remark later in the day, a vieled coded dig about 'sunsets'.  I know what she meant, I'm not stupid, but I didn't take the bait.

My aunt called me yesterday on my way home.  We had a nice chat about a lot of different things, and I told her what my MIL said to me about being "un-Christian".  My aunt borders on being an aetheist and agnostic...religion just isn't for her (something I pray about often, that she becomes saved herself, along with my uncle.  They are great people, loving, and caring....just don't like any religion).  This revelation really upset my aunt which was a surprise to me.  She thought it was both wrong and mean to use my religious beliefs against me the way my MIL did.  It actually really upset my aunt...more so that I would have guessed, and of course she said "do not tell your mother this", and I haven't. 

My mom would go ape-$#it if I told her.

Yeah, kinda embarassing for a 42 year old man...to have his mom get mixed up into all this.  I will tell her someday, but after my divorce is finalized.  No reason to shake a hornets nest if I'm smart.

I have to leave early today.  My dog...my little boy....is under the knife.  He is getting a small cyst removed from his eyelid.  He's also having his ears plucked, his teeth cleaned, and his anal glands expressed.  Poor guy....no food this morning for him....doctors orders.  He'll be put under and will stay at the vets all day until I pick him up for observation.  He is 7 years old now, entering middle age.  Such is the cycle of life.  He has been such a blessing to me.  Anyway, I'll be home with home tonight so I can watch him.  I'm sure he'll be groggy and in a bit of pain.

Today is....

.....my 9th Anniversary.

And I actually feel quite good, or at least indifferent, and I'm actually proud of myself.

I feared this day for many reasons over the past few months, especially when everything was turned on its head and upside down earlier this year.

Perhaps it the steady stream of medication I'm on, but I am not (at least up to this point of writing) feeling depressed, lonely, or sad.

Oh, that doesn't mean I don't recognize the significance of today and wish things were different, but I suppose in fact I am indeed a stronger person today.  Last year at this time we had gone to see her friend for a three day getaway, and while I enjoyed her friends, the food, the conversation....the more I think about it, it sure didn't feel like an Anniversary between husband and wife.  We were kind of in a tense spot last year, and spent a long time in the car, both of struggling at times to lighten the overall mood.  Not that it was horrible, it's just we were in a tough spot and secretly I wasn't really into it...and I don't think she was either.  We were going through the motions of an Anniversary.

Her habits were in full swing, and my frustration and anger was festering under the surface,and even though we were together, I recall feeling alone even though she thanked me for a nice weekend.

I did receive a text from her today this morning: "Have a good day at work and Happy Anniversary."

As I read it, the first thought that came to my mind was "Oh, now you remember."

I purposely didn't respond at first.  I didn't know what to say.  My gut instinct was to ignore it, but if I did, I know I'm just setting myself up for getting additional texts throughout the day accusing me of being cold, ignoring, or worse.

"Thank you, and have a nice day as well." is all I could muster.  Then I made myself breakfast, a cup of coffee, took my meds and went to work.

I'm okay today.

Surprise Review

Today I had my 6 month review at work.  We have these little one-on-one PDS (Personnel Development System) twice a year to guage how we are doing and part of our bonus (if we get one) is based on this.

Well, I walked in today at had an email from my boss that she wanted to see me. 

Deep down, I was a little nervous I suppose.  As much as I try to leave my personal life outside of work, it is almost impossible to do without my placid facade cracking from time to time.

As much as I have tried to keeps things tidy and under wraps for the benefit of my work place environment, most of my coworkers have kind of figured out that my marriage dissolving.

It was a nice surprise to hear my boss give me some positive reviews, even a few 'Exceeding Expectations' on a few projects.  This will translate into an 'okay' bonus at the sometime next month.  Lord knows I need it as my lawyer just hit me up for another $300 because of my wife's silly questions.

And at the very least it signifies that I'll be here for at least the next 6 months, safely.

So...Yay.

The otehr good news is that an old Elementary School classmate is scheduling a reunion of many of us who grew up together during that time.  She just created the event yesterday, and invited close to 25 people.  It's been 24 hours and already 9 people agreed to go, and otehrs are already looking into flights and hotels.  How awesome is that?

And it also falls on my birthday.  What a great birthday for a change....I will be with my closest friends of 30 years for a change, and not disapointed by someone who thought of herself for once.

A New Dawn

No, this is not a homage to the Twilight franchise (truth be told, I never saw any of them), but the title is a little apropos.

This past weekend (Friday evening, Saturday, Sunday) was probably one of the best weekends I've had in what seems like forever. 

I was relaxed, took in some sights, and visited some old stomping grounds of mine that I hadn't been to in years, and I was all smiles and forgot aout everything else.

I did something new and unheard of....even for me.  I went to a sports tavern last night and watched the Sunday Night game (Green Bay vs Texans) with others and not only had a great time, I was even clapping and hooting and holloring at times along with everyone else.

And what made it special?  Well a few diffrent things:

• I went with a new group of friends, not the same old regulars I generally hang out with.  So there was no pretense about answering questions everyone else always seem to inquire about.
• I broke out of my regular weekend routine.  Oh, I still did chores and grocery shopped, but I put away time and challenged myself to get out there.
• I visted some old haunts that I hadn't really taken the time to visit or enjoy in years.  They may have changed a bit here and there, but for all intenst and purposes they brought back memories from my single days.
• I took in the sunset, walked about town, sat down on the grass and looked up at the sky...daydreaming on clouds.
• And probably most importantly, I let my guard down and allowed myself to be happy and relaxed.  And it worked.

The only interuption to anything at all was I did get a text from my ex simply stating: "I miss you!!"

I didn't text back.

Nope I'm finally having a good time with new friends and with some trepidation, picking up a pen to start a new chapter and I'm not gonna start a texting conversation in the midst of it.  Nope, you had your chance.

I also decided to take a day off this Friday and meet another friend for lunch mid-day and walk around a little artist community.  And then that evening I will be watching Prometheus with yet another friend who asked me not to watch it until she could watch it with me as well.

Weird....last week I was crying on Monday and today I'm in one of the best moods.  Thank you Jesus.

Mental Illness Awareness Week: Oct 7-13

I meant to bring this to everyones attention yesterday, but I simply forgot.

As someone who grew up not believing in a lot of mental health conditions except the obvious ones that troubled people displayed, I didn't think about it much.  I honestly thought that a lot of things were 'made up' or 'convienent excuses' to get out of a jam or shirk responsibilities.

I even thought that ADD was a 'made-up' condition, because I never heard about it prior to the late 90's, and my parents and grandparents never heard of it either.  To me, it was more about lazy parents who weren't disciplining their children, using the TV as a surrogate parent, and too many sugary snacks, and inconsistent rules at home.  For the most part, I still think that way.

I really do believe it is a rampant excuse, all too easy to diagnose and write a prescription for.  Back in '02 or was it '03, I was feeling a little depressed and at the urging of some friends, I went to see a clinical shrink.  Mind you, I've never been to one before and never had met this person before either.  We had a sit down talk that lasted all of 15 minutes, and at the end he 'diagnosed' me with ADD.

What?  I was in my early 30's then, and some quack who just met me 20 minutes prior was ready to put me on medication.  That's why I'm not so sure about the 'inflated' numbers being touted around in this country for those with 'mental' challenges.

That being said, I do indeed believe there are people with issues, and should not be as easily dismissed as I once would have done.  While I do not believe I have ADD, I do believe that I suffer from bouts of depression.  And I know it can be debilitating no matter what a person looks like on the outside.

I'm a physically fit man, who watches his diet, doesn't smoke, never did drugs, comes from a loving family, and knows God.  But I have struggled with depression off and on for the greater part of the last 20 years.  It has affected my sleeping patterns, my mood, my appetite, my anxiety and more.  I've had outright panic attacks that have crippled me in public and made it hard to breath, wondering if I was suffering a mild heart attack or not.  I have been laughing one minute, only to curl up in a fetal position the next, crying uncontrollably.  I have day dreamed of running away, and I will admit to you I have often asked God (in the past) to take me while I'm asleep because I have felt inconsequential at times, and at others that this whole thing called 'life' was pointless. 

At those times, I longed to be in heaven because I was tired of my fellow human beings.  Tired of the never ending bad news.  Sick of broken hearts, broken promises, broken words, and the depravity of people.  I longed to be somewhere else where there are no more tears or emotional pain.  I still feel this at times, but not as strongly.

I take medication now.  And have been off and on for quiet some time.  It's a double edge, but necessary sword.  The pills can numb you, and you can tell, I won't lie.  But when off of them, the axe of depression can come down hard.

What am I trying to say today?

Well, that I have changed my view and perspective on these things, and I think it is important that if you feel any inkling, even the smallest itch that maybe something may not be jiving in your own life.....don't be afraid to check it out with a doctor or two.  Talk to someone. Do some research like I did.  Get involved in a group of some sort.  It doesn't have to be all touchy feely, and you don't have to feel ashamed or a pariah.  More people suffer from various types of mental illness than one could guess....we as a society have learned to hide it well, and bury those thoughts and feeling down....but at a cost:  It could be health issues (as I experienced), or unhealthy relationships, or constant mood swings.

You don't have to be missing a chromosome, have a birth defect, or be a survivor of a tragic head injury to have a degree of 'mental illness'.  The term is very broad, and God didn't create his perfect creation to suffer.  We suffer because we think our willpower and the ability to fix things is greater than Him.  Because this is a sinful world, corrupt, and has been dying since the days of Adam and Eve.  But take heart that it will be restored to its former glory one day sometime in the future where we will know no more tears as death will be conquered and sorrow will have no meaning.  Remember, this world is Satan's domain and it doesn't mean there's a guy with a pitchfork and union suit rubbing his hands and laughing at you.

No he accuses you, condemns you, tells you that you are weak and undeserving of health and happiness.  He plants the seeds of doubt, and spoils the fruit of your labors.  He takes your focus off the simple and joyful things of life and enjoys making things complicated to the point where you want to give up.  I know this first hand because I have lived it, and I am human.

What ever your belief system is, go get educated and informed...if not for yourself, then perhaps for a friend or a loved one who is silently suffering.  Check out this website: http://www.nami.org/

And try to take it one day at a time.  It's easy to say, much harder to do, as I often stumble in my own advice.

7 months and I still struggle

The last few days have been a little rough.

Despite the distraction that was a great BBQ this past Saturday night, once again my thoughts turn inward and for reasons I cannot explain, and how illogical they seem to their core, I somehow still feel like I either failed or could have done more.

My dad came over early this morning to walk my dog for me, and I was trying to enjoy a cup of coffee this morning on the couch when he came over.  I had awoken once in the middle of the night after a dream I had in regards to my wife.  I can't recall any details of the dream, but I know it was her.

In the quiet darkness of 6am prior to the sun coming up, I just sat and allowed my fractured feelings dominate my mind and rule over my heart again.

It sucked.

I looked at a calender and it's closing in on 7 months now that she walked out. 

It's been two months since her 'life coaching'.

It has been 1 week since we last spoke.

Lord, why do I continue to hurt so much?  Why do these thoughts plague me as they do?  The signs have all been there.  The support of family, friends, church.  The daily devotionals, the prayers, the attempt at regaining my life...

Although there has been progress, at times it just seems as everything I know to be true, and everything that I learned just won't stick.

In this last week, I've actually had two separate women approach me in public....making small talk with me...It's nice and I know I have a lot to offer.  I can still attract the opposite sex, but as nice as the simple flirting goes to lift my spirits...the feeling is only temporary.

I wish I could be angry, and hateful, and bitter at times with my wife.  Perhaps that would fuel me to get over this faster.  But it's just not in my nature....not in my genetic coding to hold a grudge.  I am a forgiving person to a fault.

Why is it that everyone knows that my wife had major issues (including me), and yet I still allow myself to have my spirit broken by the past and now my BIL/MIL.  It is so maddening and non-sensical.  Knowing how absurd it is even makes it more ludicrous to me. 

I feel like going home today.  I have work today, but my mind is just not in it.  I'd like to go to a bar myself, and check out for a few hours, but even I know that it just comes back later.

I have effectively become my own punching bag.

A little of this, a little of that

Not much to say as far as my relationship goes.

It's officially been a week since my MIL went off on me, a 2 weeks since my BIL and I had that odd conversation.  I wish those thoughts would go away, and I caught myself this morning thinking about my wife and the good times we used to have.

Friday night I went to Celebrate Recovery services instead of my men's group.  I had a friend who was giving his testimony Friday night, and I was shocked at his life story....and even more impressed of the miracle that has happened since then to turn his life around.  It was just about three years ago that he and another stranger, both of them angry at the world and angry at themselves crossed paths at the wrong time.

My friend had been stabbed three times and he almost killed his assailant himself during a barroom brawl.  My friend spent time in jail, and the other man survived as well, each finding their own way and own path into Celebrate Recovery without the knowedge of the other.

Both eventually accepted Christ, and began their journey of forgiveness to all those they had hurt over the years, including themselves.

It would be almost two years later in which they would run into each other, of all things, a Thanksgiving Dinner.  Long story short....they shook hands, asked each other for forgiveness, and at the very least acquaintences and cordial with each other.

Wow.

I didn't know any of that, as we only became friends about 2 years ago ourselves. 

He is a transformed person.  Happy, loving, joking, friendly.  By his own admittance, a changed man.

While my own life story isn't nearly that tragic, I wish I had his peace in things.  I usually do when surrounded by friends.  The toughest challenge for me is the alone time.  For years it never bothered me to be alone.  I spent much of my youth alone, although I made friends easily, I just always was okay with our without people around me.  That might have changed in college where I met a great group of people, joined a fraternity, and made lifelong friends.

Today it's hard spending weekends by myself.  The house almost seems too quiet at times (albeit, I don't miss the smell of cigarettes or sarcasm).

I threw a BBQ this past Saturday.  I think 15 of my close friends showed up, and for those 5-6 hours, it felt like old times.  We joked, we ate, we traded barbs and stories...and I was at peace.  I have a great set of friends.  The subject of my wife only came up once or twice (and not by me) and while those conversations only last a minute or so each and were not mean spirited or negative, everyone agreed that my wife had issues.  I caught myself actually defending her and saying she is 'trying' to turn over a new leaf...but it was surprising to hear the consensus "well, she's got a long way to go and be skeptical...she wants out of her parents house adn 1/2 your money."

I honestly was both bothered and humbled at the same time by these comments.  Had I really been that naive?  Did they see something that I chose to block out for years?  Or are they just being friends and feel obligated to say the 'correct' thing (i.e. It's her fault not yours).  I don't know.  Either way, the BBQ was a blast, and I wish I could do it more often if it wasn't so expensive.

Yesterday (Sunday) was the complete opposite.  Instead of being surrounded by 15+ friends, it was just me and my dog all day long.  I managed to hot the gym, but otherwise I stayed in all day long cleaning, chores, and catching up on TV.  It was nice....bt sucked at the same time.  Didn't really want to go anywhere.  Gas is close to $4.70 a gal now, so I'm trying to make my $$ stretch by not going anywhere.

I watched Joel Osteen yesertday.  His 30 minute sermon was written just for me.  It was a good thing I was alone, otehrwise it would have been embarrassing to see my eyes water up at the message.  The message was about timing....the Lord's timing....not mine.  Oy...it was a humbling reminder that God is at work in all of ur lives whether we recognize it or not, understand it or not.

Today is Columbus Day and I'm at work.  It's slow today.  I think many parents are home with their kids since today is another day off from school.  For the first time in a while it's overcast and cool.  About 20 degrees cooler than it was a week or two back, and I could have slept in longer.  Why can't I sleep in on the weekends, but when I have to be at work (usually Mondays), my body could easily slumber that much longer.

Oscar the Grouch

The last few days I had been actually feeling 'okay'.

Work has picked up a tad which is nice because it makes the day go by faster, and I can turn my mind to more daily and appropriate responsibilities.  My neighbors (other than the 2 women) have been very cordial with me this week and even invited me out to dinner one night.

My deepest thoughts I either share right here, or with my dad.  I sanitize, or hold back a tiny bit from my mother because she has a tendency to over react or get involved when I don't need her to be.  Case in point, when I told my dad about the recent calls I received from my MIL & BIL he was a bit upset himself, but warned me it may be better not to divulge to my mother.....lest she get worked up and do something stupid.

That's really hard to do...when my mom calls and asks me how I am...I have to "lie" and say I'm 'okay' when in actuality I want to tell her what happened, and if anything, just to unload.  It's very hard to keep all this stuff bottled up inside day after day after day, and also not turn to drinking myself.  In all honesty, there is no booze in my house at all, and though I've been tempted to get a bottle of whisky the last few days, the fact is I haven't.

The last few nights I've even been getting a decent amount of sleep for a change.  Well, at least the last 3 days anyway, despite the heat.

But then I woke up this morning, and just felt grouchy.  Negative energy slowly building within my core.  I've been pretty good about my meds everyday, but it seems today my emotions have a stronger will than the happy chemicials coursing through my brain.  In a nutshell, I feel angry.

I called my dad and let him know.  Not because I expected him to solve anything or make me feel better.  It was just to verbalize my feelings and get them out in hopes I may feel better.  It didn't really work.  He said this is all to be expected...Good days & bad days.

I'm not on the verge of tears today.  I'm just angry.  Today, my wife is supposed to hand in her paperwork to my lawyer.  Today is the deadline and hopefully this will move along if she doesn't stall.

I haven't called or talked to her or her family, nor have they attempted to contact me since last Sunday.  I wonder if they think I'm going to blink and cave.  My dad thinks so.  He thinks that these recent calls were their attempt to be 'reasonable' and for me to give her another chance...that I could possibly be worked over somewhat emotionally.  The truth is...I can be...and have been known to cave in the past.  But this time, I'm just not...and maybe they are surprised.  Maybe they are expecting that phone to ring any minute and for me to ask her to come back now that her behavior has improved the last 7 weeks.

Yes, it's a start (her improvements that is)...but no, it isn't going to happen.  I'm not picking up the phone at this point, especially since my 'Chistianity' came into question.  7 weeks of 'decent' behavior under the watchful eye of your own parents does not negate years of shit.  You can continue to pay for her until the court says otherwise.

Et tu Brute?

Wow.

Just wow.

I haven't written in a few days now, because I have been speechless and trying to process the call I received on Sunday from my Mother In Law.

Oh how the winds and the tides change so unexpectedly and violently. 

If you'll recall I received a bizarre text message from my BIL just over a week ago, and after playing his stupid texting games, we spoke on Saturday and it was such a bizarre conversation. 

Well, my MIL just topped that and reduced me to tears on Sunday afternoon.  I had such a hard time after our conversation, I had to take some anxiety medication just to calm down and relax that softball size tightening in my chest just behind my sternum.

My MIL and I have had nothing but decent conversations in the pats.  Truth is, I love her and my FIL deeply and couldn't ask for better inlaws for the most part.  They are loving people with good souls, and I miss them terribly through all this, and one of my biggest fears was to lose them as family.

Perhaps they will be the ones to sever ties with me afterall and make this fear a reality.

You see, I am moving forward with my divorce.  After attending 4 seperate counseling session with my wife starting about 7 or 8 weeks ago, I finally told her I can't do it anymore....that is the counseling.  Nothing new was happening and all I heard, as usual, was how everything is everyone elses fault and barely taking any responsibility for her own actions.  I have heard how horrible my mom is, how my past affected her.  How her parents did this and did that.  How her daughter did this and did that. Etc.  Still denying she's an alcoholic (she has cut way back, but has not stopped drinking BTW).  She told me how she was taking care of her bills now (the letters in the mailbox and continued calls from collections agencies would suggest otherwise).

She said she wanted to start over.  She still loves me.  Leave the past in the past.

And yet she keeps bringing up the past, so my response is also to bring up the past.  She wants to pretend the last few years didn't happen.  Why?  Because she knows she messed up?  Because her unemployment benefits have run out?  Because she has wiped out her savings and is still in debt?  No her bad decisions are hers and hers alone...not for me to take care of and clean up like I did so many times in the past.  Let her parents clean it up for a while.  Let them deal with her lack of a job, creditor phone calls, creditor mail, etc.

Anyway, I'm getting off track (can we say "tangent"?).

Okay, so I get a call Sunday afternoon from my MIL.  She asks me just to listen, not to speak, as she has written things out on a piece of paper she wanted to say (Oh great...why do I think this is gonna go bad?).

I stay quiet and let her speak:

• She is dissapointed in me on how I handled the call with my brother in law and how I 'refused' to speak with him.  She thought I was better than that since in the past they were there for me when I needed someone to talk to.
• She says I am not the "Christian man" she thought I was for I will not "forgive" her daughter and give her a chance after she completed her "life coaching" therapy 7 weeks ago.  God will judge me.
• She is further dissapointed that I quit going to counseling with my wife and shows that I am not "trying".
• She doesn't understand why my mother will not accept my wife's phone call to apologize. (Liek I have any control over that).
• She doesn't undertand and is disapointed that I keep bringing up the past and can't move forward.

Wow.  Just wow.

I'm just giving you the highlights here.  I listened to what was a good ole character bashing fro a good 10 minutes, followed by the humorous "But I'm not judging you."

Oxymornic statement of the year.

When it was my turn to respond, I said the following:

• If you figure out what my BIL has to say to me, then by all means share it with me.  I gave him multiple chances to tell me what he 'specifically' wanted to say, but instead I was told I was hiding behind words, playing a chess game, didn't trust him, and inferred I wasn't a real man.  So yes, at that point I told him I would not meet him.  I still have no idea what happened, and I'm not going to feel bad if my BIL can't spit it out.
• Your daughter has never shown my mother respect.  Your daughter cursed my mother out and hung up on her.  My mother has only ever been nice to your daughter and grand-daughter and your daughter has been cold towards her for years.  Please tell me what my mom has done?  And please tell me why this is my issue.  That is between your daughter and my mom.  If my mom doesn't want to talk to her, then she's not ready to.  I have no control over that.
• Yes, I do bring up the past...as does your daughter EVERY SINGLE TIME.  You and your husband, my parents, my BIL/SIL are not there so you do not know what is being said.  Next time I will bring a tape recorder and we'll see who talks about the past more.  I stopped going to counseling because I was tired of hearing how everything is once again everyone elses problem and she barely acknowledges her own responsibility in any of these things.
• The biggest thing for me was the "not a Christain man" comment.  Seeing that my wife doesn't own a bible, and hasn't gone to church with me in years, how dare you question my principles.  I never claimed to be a saint, never claimed to be perfect.  In fact, when I stumble and fall I man up, come to you and apologize.  Your daughter doesn't even know the word 'sorry'.    And your right, God...the person I am responsible to will indeed judge me...he will judge us all...and look into our hearts and He will know the pain and the heartache I've been through...not you, not your daughter, not my parents, not my BIL/SIL.  Sounds like you are in fact judging me.

I was so hurt that when we finally got off the phone, I just sat down on the couch and cried for 30 minutes straight.  How can my MIL have pulled a 180 like this?  How is my 'faith' now in question and I am not a forgiving person?  It was crushing to me....and still is.  She ended our call by saying she will pray for me, and her daughter, and our marriage and hope we can figure a way through this.

Yeah, because now it'll never be awkward at any possible future family gatherings hearing what I just heard.  Just breaks my heart and then some.