A lack of self respect

Respect is a pretty loaded word.

We all think of its main meaning:

Noun A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

Verb Admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements. But often we use this word in regards to thinking about something else, like a moving speech, or our feeling of someones heroic acts or deeds.  We've heard the song a gazillion times on the radio, movies, and our high school dances.  We are taught in church to respect our parents and our elders, the military teaches us to respect our President and our commanders orders.  We are taught in school to respect our flag.  Some cultures teach people to repect their traditions passed down from generation to generation. And in the heat of arguments we often accuse each other of not repecting our boundries, or what the other person says. But the one thing we forget and often overlook, especially us co-dependants and those that have a history of depression is our own self-respect. Yesterday it was pointed out to me by someone that somewhere along the line I lost my own self-repect.  And when that happened, a domino effect happened and thus my spouse also lost repect for me. Not because I was a bad person.  Not because I occasionally swore, or wasn't smart enough, or didn't earn enough.  It was because somewhere the ability for me to stand up for myself diminished, and over time, it just became easier and easier for me to capitulate to ridiculous demands or behaviors just to avoid fights.  It became the path of least resistance.  What could I do that would make this whole thing stop, as asinine as it was at the time?  The answer was too bite my tongue, shut my mouth, and shut down. When that became the norm, I lost any power I once had in my relationship.  Not that power is and should be the priority.  I'm not saying that.  I just lost the will power to stand my ground and speak my mind and declare boundries and rules just to achieve some semblance (now a facade when I look back at it all) of sanity and tranquility and peace. A friend of mine from college recently sat me down as well (not the same person above) as said to me: "Man, I used to really admire you in college.  You got good grades, you got to party, you rose in the ranks of a fraternity, you dated good looking girls, etc.  You had a presence, and whether you realized it or not, you had a certain charisma that people wanted to be your friend and hang out with you and you weren't a dick." Uh...thanks? No really, it actually is a compliment and was surprised to hear this from this individual as he was older than me and to think someone like that looked up to me is very flattering. But then he continued.... "That was you.  Back then.  The guy I see and know today...he is still nice, still funny, still smart....but doesn't excude confidence anymore.  You don't have that commanding charisma you had back then." It was sobering to hear that. I think about that conversation from time to time, and realized my friend was right.  And I was reminded of that again yesterday.  My wife was able to walk all over me for so long because I allowed it to happen.  And when that happened, when I became a pushover, a doormat, a codependant, I lost my inner fire....maybe the very spark that my wife once found attractive.  Once she realized I was a shell of my former self, she lost respect for me.  And when that happened....well, it just can't survive as a deeper level. The problem today is that I am realizing all this too late.  The damage is done and cannot be repaired.  I think that my wife got so used to me shrugging my shoulder and giving up, she was surprised...literally....when I FINALLY drew a line in the sand, and will not blink. All I can do is slowly stoke my own inner-fire, and slowly build it up again to get ready for the next chapter in my life.  To earn the repect of others in the future, I have to earn my own self-respect.  And even though I am 5'10", I have to get that fire back that makes me stand 6'+  That means, I am going to have to say 'No' to people.  Continue to reinforce boundries that are healthy.  Walk away from those with bad behaviors, and surround myself with those people with good behaviors.  But I also need to do this with humbleness and humility.  You can be respected and stand tall without being a douche.  Without having a pompous attitude or wayward ego. Ephesians 4:2 Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. (NLT) Proverbs 25:9 He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way. (NIV) Matthew 23:12 For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted. (NIV) Colossians 3:12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. (NIV) Mark 10:45 For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many. (ESV) Romans 12:3-6, NIV "Humble Service in the Body of Christ" "For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us." Psalms 149:4 For the LORD takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with salvation. (NIV)   1 Peter 5:6-11 6Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. 10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11 To him be the power forever and ever. Amen.

Who am I kidding?



It has been a rough 24 hours for me.

It was to be expected, I suppose, but I was hoping I wouldn't be as affected as I apparently am.

Yesterday afternoon, while I was at work (of course), my lawyer forwads me yet another letter from 'her' attorney stating she thinks she can get 'her' to let go of my dog and my collections, that is if I agree to all her other ridiculous demands...meaning maximum financial support and every appliance in the house.

It was a complete and utter waste of time and energy and finances that niether one of us has to throw out some 'random', half-hearted attempt to get me to either blink or settle.  If it was intended to rile me up, well then, mission accomplished.....but I can't let them know they got to me.

I know my attorney is obligated to share all correspondance her attorney sends him, at the cost of a quarter hour increments, but this non-offer cost us both.  I am so tempted (of course it/was my emotions) to fire off a response, but after speaking with my parents and then sleeping on it, I had to ask myself..."To what end?"

A response from me would cost me a quarter hour charge for him to read it, then an additional quarter hour charge for him to forward it to 'her' attorney, and then wait for yet another response.  So it would cost me 1 hour of attorney's fees and highly charged emotion, to get what in return?  I will assume we are at an impasse, and I will just have to wait, and make her guess my next move.  The thing is, I have no 'next' move....I just don't want to spend anymore money on correspondence that will get me nowhere for the next few weeks.

And without missing a beat, of course my lawyer send me three more documents to fill out and return ASAP.  Really?  Um, you guys realize that I work too during normal business hours and I just can't drop everything to fill out paperwork at a whim.  The thing that irks me is that I've already filled these same excat papers out before....twice...So why do I have to fill them out a third time?  Because my state has so much backlog in the system, that my previous filing are now 'obsolete' and I have to provide updated information every few months...at a cost to me...of course.  Sigh.  What a racket this is.  I'm not kidding.  They get you coming and going.

Oh, and he wants an additional 8 hours retainer fee for court costs, prior to court.  Okay, I'll just go out back and pluck a fresh branch off the money tree I have.  I have never been late on paying him, but it's usually been an hour here and an hour there.  Now I need to cough up 8 hours of pre-pay within two weeks.  Um, what part of when you took my case did you not understand that I am also paying some of my wife's bills as well. 

As I write this, I have court in 17 days.

If that isn't enough to pull my hair out, we've been extremely busy at work and very short handed.  I've had to pick up the slack in a few areas that aren't even mine, and people are so impatient.  I feel their pain, but if I am not aware of things because they aren't in my domain, I'm finding it hard to please people with little or no notice.  My phone hasn't stopped ringing the last week for trivial stuff I have to take care of because the people can't chew gum and walk at the same time.

My grandfather is having some health issues.  I suppose you would too at 95 years old.  We need to put him in a home.  He doesn't want to go, and thinks we are putting him out to pasture.  It doesn't help that his memory is starting to fail and he insists he did things or said things when in-fact he didn't and my parents have asked me to help cancel some things there as well.  It doesn't help that he did break his shoulder and layed immobile on the kitchen floor for 6+ hours until someone found him and realized he messed himself.  Doesn't hep that he's mad he drivers license has expired and he wants to renew it.....he should not be driving.

Then my father informed me that the docter found some cancer, melanoma, on his face, so he had surgery today in which they removed some skin.  Let that be a lesson folks....wear sunscreen whenever you can, becuase it will come back to haunt you later in life.

So what is this a recipe for?.....you guessed it...a mild-to-moderate meltdown.  I had to walk outside a few times already today to clear my head, take a few deep breaths, wipe my eyes, and compose myself.  I spent my lunh hour today in my car....crying....because I have no other venting outlet right now.  I'm not proud of crying at all, but I'm also not ashamed of it either.  I don't like to do it, but it feels as if I have been living out someone elses nightmare off and on for the last few years now.  My eyes still sting and feel slightly swollen right now.

I called my dad today as well, just to decompress.  God bless him...he does his best to console me...to build me up...to tell me everything is gonna be okay....but my dad is known for having emotions or empathy.  So while I beleive he does 'hear' me...I just don't make the connection with him as his son.

Oh, and for those wondering why my wife came over last week.  It was both a social visit to teh neighbors AND to dig up dirt on me.  The good news is I've purposely avoided 'those' neighbors in even casual contact that they can't say anything about me.

A Step Back

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4: 6-7)

Ugh, the last 36 hours has been somewhat emotional for me...and I don't handle emotional overload very well.  It affects me both mentally and physically.  I write today's post more so for me to just "get it out" in my own makes-no-sense self-therapy than I do for you if you are reading this.

I am not convinced that by writing it down on paper that I will be sort through the madness which is my overly complex thought process on just about everything.  Please, take no offense at this next statement but at times I wish I were indeed simple-minded.  I often wonder if simple-minded individuals are more content with life because they aren't keenly aware of the interconnectedness of everything else?

Where to begin?

My grandfather is not doing so well.  He fell last week and dislocated his shoulder.  Although he didn't break anything, he is becoming too weak to care for himself.  His Dr. has placed him in a rehabilitation facility which I assume he thinks he will be getting out of in a few days or weeks.  However, my parents and my aunt & uncle wish to keep him there indefinitely because he needs constant care now.  He's even having trouble going to the restroom and having more and more "accidents' as of late.  Personally, I do not believe he has much time left and I don't even know where to begin to say my goodbyes or wish that he finds the Lord.

Then two timezones away, I have learned my grandmother is also not doing well and is on a waiting list herself to go to a final home.  It appears she is throwing in the towel as well and wishes to spend her final days in a 'facility' as well.  At least she is a believer, but its hard for me to comprehend my life losing two more family members shortly and I am so far away from one, and have enough going on in my own drama it's hard for me to visit the other one, and the guilt I seem to be developing over that.

A gentleman from one of my groups recently fell off the wagon, and cut himself, on purpose....bad enough where he needed 50 stitches in his arm.  Because he has no insurance, the hospital refused to put him under watch for 72 hours and let him go back into the wild.  I tried calling him yesterday, but got no answer or no call back.

As a surprise when I came home from work, I saw that my wife's car was at the end of my street...obviously visiting neighbors....which she has every right to do, but it immediately sent me into a funk, putting me on high alert for the rest of the evening.  I have no idea why I act a fool, but I caught myself looking out my window every 30 to 45 minutes or so to see if she left or not.  She left somewhere around 9:30pm last night.  And although I did not see her, had no interaction with her, I felt uptight and anxious the rest of the night.  And even emotional.

I hadn't had any contact with her since our meeting back in April and thought I was personally moving on.  I will even admit I "thought" I deserved a few atta-boys and high-fives for being able to function these last 6 weeks or so, but it became pretty damn clear that after last night and gauging both my behavior and thoughts.....I am no better off than before.

It was so bad, I even had a dream about her again, and in this dream she was as cold and nasty as she has been the last few years, and even in this unconscious state I wanted to avoid upsetting her, wondering what I could do to make her happy...and I realized there was nothing I could do.

Needless to say, today, it is taking all my energy and will power not to break down in front of my employees and sob.  I take that back...my eyes have been tearing up on and off since 8:30am, and that was only 5 hours ago.

There is so much good things in my life, yet I continually allow things that are out of my control to dominate my thoughts and sour my emotions where I am 220lb, 5'10" 43year old man who feels like I am a pimply 13yo tween who got turned down at the dance....but multiply that by 10 fold.

What the ____ happened to me?  Why can't I shake this funk, this depression, this crap that stalks me like a lion waiting to devour as soon as I blink?

My mom wants to take me to dinner tonight.  Usually I don't like her to see me like this....I want to be strong and show her I am okay....but right now I am embarrassed to say I do indeed want my mom.  I want to cry, I want to break down, I want to scream at the top of my lungs and run away.  The mental pressure is starting to build up inside and I need a release.