Solitude (part I)

As someone close to me the other day said: "It's okay to want alone time."

How much alone time is healthy for anyone person? Sure their are introverts, and extroverts by definition, but how does one go from being an extrovert to and introvert is a short period of time.

I think this picture symbolizes so much what is me. On the one hand you have Superman....an icon, an extrovert to the human race, defender of justice, bigger than life.

But to himself and on the inside he is an introvert. Realizing that he is actually alone in this world where no one could understand him....when the pressures of being Superman are too much even for him, he escapes to his 'Fortress of Solitude'...a cold, sterile, alone place far removed from civilization and the masses so as he can collect his thoughts and unwind and think and commune with the memories of his father and his homeworld.

I remember an episode of the original Twilight Zone as well with Burgess Meredith. He played a quirky and geeky librarian who just wanted to escape the persecution of his fellow man who always seemed to be bullying him around. He wanted to escape and be just left with his books, to lose himself in the pages of fiction. He gets his wish....a world disaster strikes in which everyone sans himself are gone. Finally alone with his books he relishes the fact he is now alone and cannot be bothered by those that don't understand him....only to trip and fall moments later and break his glasses...so that he can no longer read the books that meant so much to him.

Today on my way into work, I heard a story on the radio about suicide, and some websites that even promote efficient ways on how to remove yourself from this plane of existance in the quickest and hopefully painless ways. The story really troubled me. I feel sad for the parents and family and feel that these type of websites, even under freedom of speech, should be shut down. But I'd be lying to say I also didn't empathize with the victims. I am too chicken to hurt myself, nor do I want to cause any harm to my parents and family, nor am I overly anxious to find out if my name is written in the Book of Life. Nor am I Catholic but I'm not 100% convinced that suicide is not a mortal sin. I do believe God can forgive anything and anybody, but suicide does seem like the ultimate is selfish acts one can perform.

I often wonder how I will die myself. I hope it will be painless and I hope at home in my sleep. But I think that statistics and odds are against that. I think most people die via stroke, heart-attack, or violence (car accidents or injuries). Cancer runs in my family and I 'try' to watch what I eat, but I often have flashes of myself getting in a car wreck. I've had nightmares of being stabbed or falling. I have mentally pictured the ambulance comming to my house someday because I suffered a heart attack. Only God knows the actual result. I fear of dying alone. I fear that I will outlast my parents and my wife. I wonder who will find me? Who will bury me? Will I even have any family at that time that would attend a service?

I hear preachers say that when we close our eyes here on this earth, and if we are believers in Christ, we immediately are present in Paradise.

I have to stop right now.....My eyes are welling up and I don't know why.

A Bad Week

The last week, especially the last few days has been an emotional effort for me. It doesn't really help that it is cold and rainy outside as well, and that my spouse is out of town.

I've been more tired than usual. It could be a combination of a few different things, or none at all, but I am having a harder time waking up in the morning, I'm falling asleep earlier, and my sleep has been more sound and heavy. I relayed this to my wife over the phoen and she thinks I should go see a doctor and have my blood checked. She's probably right, but at the same time, I look at this as just another added chore and burden as of late to an already existing long list I really don't want to acknowledge.

My spiritual struggle has also been hard the last few days as well. There seems to be a lot in the news regarding Jesus (James Cameron's new documentary as one example), and my mind drifts into prayer and looking for consoltation within God, but as seems to be the case lately, God seems silent. I've been taking some stock in recent thoughts and activities and once again I realize that as hard as I try to live in accordance on how Christ wants me to, I falter more times than I'd like to admit. Feelings of guilt, anger, bitterness, hate both towards myself and also the outside world are abundant.

I often wish I were younger, harkening back to earlier times where the trials and tribulations of the world didn't seem as rough.

As what often happens to me, it appears that when it rains....it pours.

I have been unhappy with work again lately, not the actual work itself, but I find myself in conflict with an individual who always appears to come out 'rosey' when in fact this person is very manipulative and duplicitous. Saying one thing to my face, yet acting out against me when I am not present. Again, I am surrounded by people who recognize this, but appear to be scared or do not wish to get involved in my defense lest this appears to be a bad mark against them in the corporate world. It's a foreboding sense that I just cannot win no matter how hard I try to persever, as if the enemy knows I am already fragile and wishes to kick me when I am down, repeatedly until I submit and get angry with God who does not seem to be present. Purposely inflicting doubt within me, and I am brave enough to admit that I am indeed weak, and doubt has entered my mind more often that I would like.

I see the secular world and recognize that it is an easier path. Not to care, not to sacrafice, not to get involved....to have fun, to drink, to let my mouth loose on the masses. Yet my internal spirit cries out 'No'....this is wrong and not pleasing to God or in accordance with his word. It's what the world wants...it wants to see me fail and welcome me back in its lies and deceit.

So the stress of my job and the people I interface with is one facet. Then there's home life, and financials, and the thought of family and children and I get depressed. Very depressed. I feel the world in general owes me an apology, yet at the same time I curse at it and what I have allowed myself to become; a former shell of myself. A man going through the motions of life often wondering if heaven will indeed be a better place and when can I get there.

I sit here now, noticing that I am taking very deep breaths....pretending I am elsewhere....mentally detached from what I am physically grounded to. I want to place my head down...I want to go home and crawl into bed....I so want to cry, but I am not positive what I want to cry about. I feel fractured and alone. People want to help me, want to pray for me, want to wave their magic wands and make it all better....to the person I once was. Don't you think I want that too? Don't you think that if I could snap my fingers and make it all better, that I would have already done so?

Statistically speaking, my biological life is half over. God I hope this present state isn't an idicator for the remaining half.

Called Out - Keeping my Anger in check.

I had a small taste of Humble Pie today, and the best part of it is I can hopefully learn from my transgressions and emotions.

The last week has been a bit stressful. Homelife, worklife, spirituality has been really beating me up lately. My 'counsler' forgot our appointment last week and when I called her, she was getting her hair done. Now that I look back, this was sort of the starting point of my recent fall.

At first I was a little mad and upset with her. I began to equate that a hairstyle garnered more attention that I did, which may or may not be viewed as selfish. My way of punishing her back was to not re-sechedule my appointment. I'm not really sure what that proves....that I am still stubborn and vindictive, or to let her know she hurt my feelings and ticket me off.

Work has been very stressful as well. Longer than usual hours, with little help and no room for mistakes makes our whole 'team' (and I use that word very loosely) a bit crabby. I don't respond very well to unfair orders or people barking at me, especially when they treat me poorly. I begin to harbor even more resentment and anger towards them. One individual is on my 'short' list anyway, and I find it an exercise in patience not to blow my top, knowing full well it won't solve anything. It's like that saying: You can't teach an old dog new tricks, ....well, this person is set in their ways, and I don't think any amount of calm speak is going to win this person over.

So instead, I let my anger and frustration get the best of me and I took the Lord's name in vain not really paying attention to what I was saying. Here is where I got caught up in the moment....I expressed my 'colorful' words to a person I tried to witness to some time back.

Wouldn't you know...this person responded to me: "You realize you just took the Lords name in vain. For someone who was telling me about the Lord, seems like you just failed a test."

Inside, my heart sank, and I realized he was correct. I replied that just because I am Christian doesn't mean I am perfect and I agreed that I was wrong. I told him I was indeed angry and in times of unchecked emotions we all fall, but that is why it is important to ask for forgiveness. I apologized to him, and again relayed the fact that I need to pray for myself to indeed keep my anger and emotions in check, that I need to be a represntative of God, and in this case I admit I did fail.

Weird that I really didn't think of it until it was pointed out to me, but it really hurt my spirit to know this unbeliever used the 'God' card against me. Live and learn I suppose.

When it rains.....

Yesterday was the atypical Monday. Where Murphy's Law reigns supreme, and you feel as if you're a spectator watching your own demise and there's not much you can do.

I had a difficult day at work yesterday. First, I was late to work. Second, the people I 'report' to, are not very helpful at all. They have many insecurities which I recognize because I suffer from them as well. But I think I suffer in a different way....I recognize my issues often have a spiritual component, and I don't think the others do about their own plights. As still sort of an outsider, I look into their world with their interactions towards each other and see so much tension, power plays and very un-healthy politicking taking place between them.

I have only shared my spiritual beliefs with one, and was somewhat saddened to learn this individual was more or less agnostic. The others I seriously doubt have much beliefs either, or if they do, it cerntainly doesn't play out in the workplace.

Anyway, I was supposed to drive to one of our secondary locations to complete a task when my car wouldn't start. After multiple attempts I had to call the auto club for a jump. This was all before 9am. All I could think of was $$$ and no matter how many inroads I make forward, it alsways seems there is a nwe obstruction in my path. So I had to drive to three different places until I found one that would take a look at my car. It appears it is a combination of my battery and starter caused by some leaky valves. A new battery will limp me through the next few weeks, but a new starter, replacement of the valves and labor is going to be over $1000. Plus I need 2 new tires as well. Not only are the costs going up, I'm off the clock, not earning any money as I try to solve this. With property taxes due, and income taxes around the corner...I am a little stressed out.

I sat in my car and prayed. Prayed that even though the problems still needed to be fixed, that I woudl have peace for the remainder of the day. Instead I cried for a few minutes. My crying stems from frustration and sometimes a feeling of being buried. In the large scheme of things, I realize its just another day. That innocent people died today from violence. That there are so many worse thinsg in the world right now, and here I am worrying about my car which is 11 years old. It's time to get a new car anyway, but I wanted to buy one on my terms, when I am ready, not because of fialing I cannot control. Is this yet another test? Is this God showing me that he is the master of all and wanting me to give it all to him and pray? Or is it the enemy just wanting to mess with me more, planting more doubt and anger in me.

I don't know.

But I feel like the person in the picture above. Solitary. No one else gives a rats ass about my issues. And why should they?

Today, I feel sad.

Emotions are a very strange thing.

I awoke feeling indifferent to most things. I didn't want to come to work today, not because I don't like my actual job, but I'm not really a people person. That is, I am not fond of people who talk down to me or treat me as a grunt just because I am low on the totem pole. I find that my current employers also think of me as just a number, devoid of any actual true loyalty or friendliness garnered my way.

So I started off here today on a sour note. Piles of issues coming my way, and no one to help me out. No 'atta boy' for all the issues I resolve timely, but make one simple mistake that can be corrected in seconds, and they are all over you.

I've always enjoyed animals, though I wasn't an animal lover until this last year. Not sure why, probably because the pets I had were fish, a parakeet, and two hamsters when I was growing up. The most I was ever attached to was the hamsters, but they don't have a very long life span...maybe 2-3 years tops.

When someone, well I guess I mean me really, is depressed, they tend to seek out other forms of affection. People usually let me down, or at least have let me down especially in the last few years. I find myself tiring of them...the repetitive banter, excuses, nothing to offer...maybe its the people I surround myself with. I need to find new people who can stimulate my mind and emotions. Or get away from the 'know-it-alls'.

While spending a few minutes away from it all, I came across the profile of Clover, the pictured dog. Clover led a full life but succumbed to some seizure attacks recently brought on by age and it was determined in a painful but loving way to put Clover to sleep.

To end Clover's pain.

I don't know this dog, nor its family, but my heart aches after reading Clover's parents last few entries. I cried. Instead of the sourness I felt earlier towards work and people, I now cry for Clover and her parents, and can only pray that Jesus and God have made special arrangements for family pets such as dogs and cats. I don't even have a child but I can hardly imagine the pain one feels in losing a son or daughter. I'm a wreck just learning about someone else's beloved family dog. I wish I could be there to share in the parents grief, no matter how strange that sounds. There is just something about the unconditional love of a family dog that no human being can ever achieve.