Tuesday evening was a little tense when I got home, and as I suspected, my wife was a little 'put-off' by seeing me as I was of her. But I decided to break the ice and speak in a calm and rational manner to see what her 'issue' was. It also wasn't a surprise to me her response as we seem to have danced this waltz a few times before.
Time, and hopefully prayers, heals hurt and by Wed. things seemed to be okay.
This morning I received an e-mail from my wife asking if I knew one of our neighbors was a pastor at a local Christian church. Actually, I did know that as I learned that after having a few disucssions with him over the past 3 years we've lived there.
He is holding some 'marital' courses in the upcoming weeks and somehow he managed to get my wife's email (how, I do not know) and sent her some descriptions and dates.
I cannot help but believe this is indeed the Lord coming in and taking not of my prayers and extended an innocent offering to my wife. Of course I jumped right on it and said, 'We should check one out', and she AGREED! What? I sit dumbfounded and thankful. She even suggested I go ahead and register us. So here is the outline of our class I signed us up for.....it's right up or alley, praise God!!
Marriage Class: Relational Intimacy
Why doesn't he talk with me like he used to?
We used to never argue like this before!
Isn't sex a central part of intimacy?
What happened to the romance in our relationship?
Most of us marry wiht the idea that our lives will sustain the feelings of relational bliss we had when we were dating. What we find is that reality is much more complex and other things compete for our attention. We worry about careers, money, appointments, repairs, bills, kids... no wonder we feel distance from our spouses. Together, you can experience a deeper marital intimacy that will have a stronger influence on where and how you spend your time, than the pull of everyday life.
This class is one of five stand alone classes designed to give you a picture of what a healthy relationship looks like. So whether you’re thinking about marriage, engaged to be married, or have been married for years, join us for Marriage Class: Relational Intimacy!
August 30, 2007
August 28, 2007
Happy Meal = Happy Thoughts
Funny how the small things in life can also change your day. It might not have an everlasting impact, but enough to change your mood for the better, at least temporarily.
I'm really not looking forward to going home today. I dread the awkward silence that will be in the room once I walk in my house. Do I just ignore my wife due to my lingering anger and wait for her to say something to me, or do I pretend nothing at all happened and hope for the best....that maybe I was just having an off day and feeling sorry for myself, and I used my wife as an excuse to justify my negative mood.
I don't know. I wish I could say I don't care, but I do, it's just I my heart and mind aches....and that takes a mental toll on me and causes fatigue I really don't want or need. I hate to say I'm a defeatist, but we can resolve the first few days and all will be hunky dory for a few weeks until the inevitable happens again.
Isn't that sad? That I am already expecting and dreading the next time. All I can do is hopefully stretch out the peace between us for as long as I can, and hope that God intervenes somehow and someway. Either towards me or my wife, but something has to change. Why do I dread and fear it's going to be me?
I had a headache most of the morning. Most likely due to mental duress and angst from last night. I took two Tylenol this morning and it really took its time to start working. I tried to listen to some christian talk radio today. I listen to learn, but boy does it sound as if everything applies to me. Like everything that is said, I can draw some analogy of my own life experience, and I wonder if I am indeed too critical of myself.
I had an excellent lunch, and let me tell you....it did wonders for my mind and spirit for that brief hour. There's a reason they call certain dishes 'comfort food'. It goes beyond chicken soup aiding a cold, or ice cream to sooth an upset tummy or cure a sweet tooth.
Today it was a warm panini sandwich on Italian herbed and rosemary infused focacia bread. It was smoked and warm chicken breast, ribboned basil, slivered red onion, smoked gooey and melted Italian cheese and a warm chipotle ranch spread.
That was 'heaven' to me while it lasted. Each bite tasted better than the first and I was savoring every morsel, sadly watching it disappear before my eyes. It came with freshly brewed ice-tea as well, not some tea from concentrate, or overly sweetened chemical concoction. No, these were tea leaves picked and steeped in real clean water and had a distinct organic and fresh taste.
I had to thank God to allow me that simple sojourn of peace. How easy it is to forget the little things in life, like a good sandwich, the flavors so intense that there is no room for anger and bitterness at that moment.
Maybe I'll go home and just see if my wife wants to go out to dinner. Maybe both our moods will change? Maybe I will have the wisdom to speak...or maybe the wisdom to silence my harsh tongue for harsh words can cut like a knife and hurt just as bad, and quite frankly, I'm a little 'tired' of hurting right now.
So, I guess my advice to you...when things seem to be dire and out of your control...at least for the time being...go out and have a nice meal and think of all the ingredients that made it up, and where they came from, and how God brought these wonderful things into being for us to enjoy and ruminate on.
I'm really not looking forward to going home today. I dread the awkward silence that will be in the room once I walk in my house. Do I just ignore my wife due to my lingering anger and wait for her to say something to me, or do I pretend nothing at all happened and hope for the best....that maybe I was just having an off day and feeling sorry for myself, and I used my wife as an excuse to justify my negative mood.
I don't know. I wish I could say I don't care, but I do, it's just I my heart and mind aches....and that takes a mental toll on me and causes fatigue I really don't want or need. I hate to say I'm a defeatist, but we can resolve the first few days and all will be hunky dory for a few weeks until the inevitable happens again.
Isn't that sad? That I am already expecting and dreading the next time. All I can do is hopefully stretch out the peace between us for as long as I can, and hope that God intervenes somehow and someway. Either towards me or my wife, but something has to change. Why do I dread and fear it's going to be me?
I had a headache most of the morning. Most likely due to mental duress and angst from last night. I took two Tylenol this morning and it really took its time to start working. I tried to listen to some christian talk radio today. I listen to learn, but boy does it sound as if everything applies to me. Like everything that is said, I can draw some analogy of my own life experience, and I wonder if I am indeed too critical of myself.
I had an excellent lunch, and let me tell you....it did wonders for my mind and spirit for that brief hour. There's a reason they call certain dishes 'comfort food'. It goes beyond chicken soup aiding a cold, or ice cream to sooth an upset tummy or cure a sweet tooth.
Today it was a warm panini sandwich on Italian herbed and rosemary infused focacia bread. It was smoked and warm chicken breast, ribboned basil, slivered red onion, smoked gooey and melted Italian cheese and a warm chipotle ranch spread.
That was 'heaven' to me while it lasted. Each bite tasted better than the first and I was savoring every morsel, sadly watching it disappear before my eyes. It came with freshly brewed ice-tea as well, not some tea from concentrate, or overly sweetened chemical concoction. No, these were tea leaves picked and steeped in real clean water and had a distinct organic and fresh taste.
I had to thank God to allow me that simple sojourn of peace. How easy it is to forget the little things in life, like a good sandwich, the flavors so intense that there is no room for anger and bitterness at that moment.
Maybe I'll go home and just see if my wife wants to go out to dinner. Maybe both our moods will change? Maybe I will have the wisdom to speak...or maybe the wisdom to silence my harsh tongue for harsh words can cut like a knife and hurt just as bad, and quite frankly, I'm a little 'tired' of hurting right now.
So, I guess my advice to you...when things seem to be dire and out of your control...at least for the time being...go out and have a nice meal and think of all the ingredients that made it up, and where they came from, and how God brought these wonderful things into being for us to enjoy and ruminate on.
Sitting In Neutral...and a special note.
"This you know, my beloved brethren. But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. Therefore putting aside all filthiness and all that remains of wickedness, in humility receive the word implanted, which is able to save your souls. But prove yourselves doers of the word, not merely hearers who delude themselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in the mirror; for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was." - James 1:19-24 NASB
I wish I could say that I did not let the sun go down on my anger yesterday. I really tried. It could have been worse I suppose, but needless to say the enemy was able to needle me in the stillness of the night and therefor I was restless...my thoughts drifting to scenarios that were clearly not of God. But at that moment in time, the mind can become one's own worst enemy, and my thoughts began to betray my own nature and I found myself concocting future arguments with my wife that will probably never happen.
It got so bad at one point, I was picturing a horrible anniversary that is still months away. I wondered if I could make it on my own. I wondered about divorce, but also knew that was the 'easy', 'worldly' way out of a tough spot.
But why, oh why does it have to be so tough? Cannot my wife see the frustrations on my face, the burdens on my shoulder, the pain in my heart? Are we really that un-evenly yoked? I pray for us. I pray for me...to ask God for peace and maturity and to take control of the situation. I pray for her, that she would come to desire the Lord like I do, to recognize the folly of some of her ways. I pray for us...to return to the love we once shared before we got married.
My feelings were very hurt yesterday. As indicated, my wife went out for her social Monday as usual, but last night she came much later than she has before. I came home to an empty house yesterday at 5:30pm, and put myself to bed at 10pm. My wife came home at 10:30pm and we did not exchange ANY words. She showered and went to bed.
I was upset, but feared if I opened my mouth to say anything....what would it have gotten me? Another long argument? I'd probably say some things I would later regret. And I'm not positive I want to hear anything out of her mouth. Why do I feel so disrespected and ignored in my own house? The house that I pay for?
Yes, she had some drinks last night, and shortly after her head hit the pillow she was sound asleep. This made me even more upset. Here, I sit home alone not knowing when she is coming home, and when she finally does, she falls asleep without any words between us.
I stared at the ceiling until after midnight, seething. I prayed for peace, for comfort, for connection....it was not found.
I took my pillows and made my bed on the couch. The dog slept next to me. And I'll admit, I could feel so much tension inside my body I took a Clonapen to try and relax. I haven't taken one in months, but I felt I needed something to put me off to slumber land lest I really be miserable today.
I got up this morning and went to work. I did manage to say goodbye to her, but I think she was still asleep.
It takes me 25 minutes to get to work, and those 25 minutes are filled with all the events replaying in my head over and over. I don't know what to do, or what to say.
Then I received a comment from a reader who did not know the events that transpired last night and said he found strength in my blog, for he felt similar things in regards to depression and loneliness and not knowing what the point is of everything. That made me fell good, that is that he felt strength in reading my blog. Believe me, my life seems to be a constant struggle and often I too wonder 'whats the point', for my life has been full of heartache, frustration, and disappointment these last few years. There was a point where I didn't care either...that is, I didn't care if I woke up or not the next morning.
So why do I plug on? Because I know there is a God...if nothing else, He loves me. Sure I may have my moments I wish to forget, but they are replaced by moments of pure peace...I just wish they came more often. I often see God's grace and unconditional love through my dog. Staring into the eyes of my puppy gives me a certain peace that people cannot seem to provide.
People are wicked...including myself...for the Bible declares this to be true. We are born into sin, all of us, and all of us reside in a sinful state. I'm not so sure about animals. The joy and comfort and security they give us.....my dog gives me a reason to continue as funny as that sounds. It was through my dog that I rediscovered the God I knew that was always there, but had forgotten about. My dog let me know that there was more to life than the silly antics of humans and our complex relationships full of ego and deception.
I believe God allowed me to have a dog in my life to help ground me because I was so volatile and confused.
I'm going to stop here for now because I think I'm losing focus and need to recollect organize my thoughts.
I wish I could say that I did not let the sun go down on my anger yesterday. I really tried. It could have been worse I suppose, but needless to say the enemy was able to needle me in the stillness of the night and therefor I was restless...my thoughts drifting to scenarios that were clearly not of God. But at that moment in time, the mind can become one's own worst enemy, and my thoughts began to betray my own nature and I found myself concocting future arguments with my wife that will probably never happen.
It got so bad at one point, I was picturing a horrible anniversary that is still months away. I wondered if I could make it on my own. I wondered about divorce, but also knew that was the 'easy', 'worldly' way out of a tough spot.
But why, oh why does it have to be so tough? Cannot my wife see the frustrations on my face, the burdens on my shoulder, the pain in my heart? Are we really that un-evenly yoked? I pray for us. I pray for me...to ask God for peace and maturity and to take control of the situation. I pray for her, that she would come to desire the Lord like I do, to recognize the folly of some of her ways. I pray for us...to return to the love we once shared before we got married.
My feelings were very hurt yesterday. As indicated, my wife went out for her social Monday as usual, but last night she came much later than she has before. I came home to an empty house yesterday at 5:30pm, and put myself to bed at 10pm. My wife came home at 10:30pm and we did not exchange ANY words. She showered and went to bed.
I was upset, but feared if I opened my mouth to say anything....what would it have gotten me? Another long argument? I'd probably say some things I would later regret. And I'm not positive I want to hear anything out of her mouth. Why do I feel so disrespected and ignored in my own house? The house that I pay for?
Yes, she had some drinks last night, and shortly after her head hit the pillow she was sound asleep. This made me even more upset. Here, I sit home alone not knowing when she is coming home, and when she finally does, she falls asleep without any words between us.
I stared at the ceiling until after midnight, seething. I prayed for peace, for comfort, for connection....it was not found.
I took my pillows and made my bed on the couch. The dog slept next to me. And I'll admit, I could feel so much tension inside my body I took a Clonapen to try and relax. I haven't taken one in months, but I felt I needed something to put me off to slumber land lest I really be miserable today.
I got up this morning and went to work. I did manage to say goodbye to her, but I think she was still asleep.
It takes me 25 minutes to get to work, and those 25 minutes are filled with all the events replaying in my head over and over. I don't know what to do, or what to say.
Then I received a comment from a reader who did not know the events that transpired last night and said he found strength in my blog, for he felt similar things in regards to depression and loneliness and not knowing what the point is of everything. That made me fell good, that is that he felt strength in reading my blog. Believe me, my life seems to be a constant struggle and often I too wonder 'whats the point', for my life has been full of heartache, frustration, and disappointment these last few years. There was a point where I didn't care either...that is, I didn't care if I woke up or not the next morning.
So why do I plug on? Because I know there is a God...if nothing else, He loves me. Sure I may have my moments I wish to forget, but they are replaced by moments of pure peace...I just wish they came more often. I often see God's grace and unconditional love through my dog. Staring into the eyes of my puppy gives me a certain peace that people cannot seem to provide.
People are wicked...including myself...for the Bible declares this to be true. We are born into sin, all of us, and all of us reside in a sinful state. I'm not so sure about animals. The joy and comfort and security they give us.....my dog gives me a reason to continue as funny as that sounds. It was through my dog that I rediscovered the God I knew that was always there, but had forgotten about. My dog let me know that there was more to life than the silly antics of humans and our complex relationships full of ego and deception.
I believe God allowed me to have a dog in my life to help ground me because I was so volatile and confused.
I'm going to stop here for now because I think I'm losing focus and need to recollect organize my thoughts.
August 27, 2007
Taking two steps back
"Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity." (Ephesians 4:26 NASB)
Pray for the Holy Spirit to give you understanding over the situation you are facing. His wisdom and insight will change your perspective on the situation. Understand that at times there is more then meets the eye going on in the person who may have hurt you. Situations in the present trip undealt with issues from the past off. We haven't fully dealt with something until we have been to the cross. - author unknown.
For some reason I knew my good mood the last few days was too good to last. It seemed as if by no measure of my own, things began to slide backwards and downwards for me the last 72 hours.
When I get angry and frustrated, I tend to keep it bottled up inside, unable to express my 'true' emotions in fear of hurting myself, others, or looking like a complete ass. Since I keep this negativity within me, with no real available outlet, my emotions take on other forms. In my case, I tend to cry. That's right, my eyes tend to well up and I fight back tears instead of putting my first through a wall or smashing something even though I'd really like to.
So why am I angry today. Oh, the typical wifely modus operandi.....she has no money. That is, she has no money for specific obligations and things that take priority in life, but manages to find the funds for her social life. It is very upsetting to me, and I don't know how many times we can talk about this without it escalating into a war of words that I really don't have the energy to hear the excuses for anymore. After four years of marriage, I would like to think that my wife would put some marital and financial obligations first before instead of her 'oh, so precious' social life.
It's one thing to let our spouses enjoy some fun and have a life, but when it constantly involves drinking with non-believers, and I know her hard earned money is paying for bar tabs a few times a week, I really have a hard time swallowing or even listening too "I have no money" when it comes to things like the electric bill, or the bill from the vet for our dog.
We can talk and go around and around until the cows come home. She can give me every justification, excuse, story, whatever....in the world. It comes down to what I see:
If money is involved; there is little of it for the important things, but there is plenty of it if there are drinks involved. It goes hand-in-hand with: "I'm too tired to go to church, or too tired to walk the dog, too tired, to visit with family.....Oh wait, you mean it's a party that starts at 9pm? I'm in!"
I pray and I pray and I pray. I get angry, I get frustrated, I become disappointed, I become resentful. Funny I say this after my last two posts regarding 'unsaid love'.
Today my wife made a quip in an e-mail that sent me over the edge. She has the next few days off from work and will be spending them at home. I asked her to take the dog in for his annual checkup. She said "Okay, but how much is that going to cost?" I replied, "I don't know, are you short?" In return I received: "No, I just wasn't planning on a vet bill & don't have any extra $$ it will just come out of my horse racing money...no biggie"
????
You see, she is going with the neighbors to the track this weekend in which I was invited, but I declined. Why? Because these are with our non-believer neighbors, and I don't want to be privy to all the drinking since I myself have a tendency and a weakness to drink socially. I also realize that I'm not a gambler, and our money should be going elsewhere, but I don't want to deny my wife an outing.
What bothers me was the quip that she'd have to, (god forbid), use her racing money. This is the same person who bitched the other day because our electric bill topped $200 because we ran the air conditioner because of the recent heatwave. This again, is the same person who couldn't help pay the mortgage this last month, but had enough money to take her other friends out to lunch on Saturday, and buy breakfast for the other neighbors on Sunday, and go out bowling tonight!
Yes, I'm angry. I'm livid. I feel like taking her purse away from her. But what good is that going to do, but make me look like an ass? Like I'm controlling? Like I'm that recluse husband that is about to go postal (I sure feel like it).
I'm doing everything in my power right now to pray about it. I plan on talking to one of my church counselors tonight....not just for the state of our marriage and because I do not know what to do any longer, but because I know if I let this get under my skin (which it pretty much already has), it's just a matter of time before I slip back into the past and say something stupid, or worse, do something stupid that'll end me back up on the tranquilizers.
How can two people, who love each other, be so far apart?
Pray for the Holy Spirit to give you understanding over the situation you are facing. His wisdom and insight will change your perspective on the situation. Understand that at times there is more then meets the eye going on in the person who may have hurt you. Situations in the present trip undealt with issues from the past off. We haven't fully dealt with something until we have been to the cross. - author unknown.
For some reason I knew my good mood the last few days was too good to last. It seemed as if by no measure of my own, things began to slide backwards and downwards for me the last 72 hours.
When I get angry and frustrated, I tend to keep it bottled up inside, unable to express my 'true' emotions in fear of hurting myself, others, or looking like a complete ass. Since I keep this negativity within me, with no real available outlet, my emotions take on other forms. In my case, I tend to cry. That's right, my eyes tend to well up and I fight back tears instead of putting my first through a wall or smashing something even though I'd really like to.
So why am I angry today. Oh, the typical wifely modus operandi.....she has no money. That is, she has no money for specific obligations and things that take priority in life, but manages to find the funds for her social life. It is very upsetting to me, and I don't know how many times we can talk about this without it escalating into a war of words that I really don't have the energy to hear the excuses for anymore. After four years of marriage, I would like to think that my wife would put some marital and financial obligations first before instead of her 'oh, so precious' social life.
It's one thing to let our spouses enjoy some fun and have a life, but when it constantly involves drinking with non-believers, and I know her hard earned money is paying for bar tabs a few times a week, I really have a hard time swallowing or even listening too "I have no money" when it comes to things like the electric bill, or the bill from the vet for our dog.
We can talk and go around and around until the cows come home. She can give me every justification, excuse, story, whatever....in the world. It comes down to what I see:
If money is involved; there is little of it for the important things, but there is plenty of it if there are drinks involved. It goes hand-in-hand with: "I'm too tired to go to church, or too tired to walk the dog, too tired, to visit with family.....Oh wait, you mean it's a party that starts at 9pm? I'm in!"
I pray and I pray and I pray. I get angry, I get frustrated, I become disappointed, I become resentful. Funny I say this after my last two posts regarding 'unsaid love'.
Today my wife made a quip in an e-mail that sent me over the edge. She has the next few days off from work and will be spending them at home. I asked her to take the dog in for his annual checkup. She said "Okay, but how much is that going to cost?" I replied, "I don't know, are you short?" In return I received: "No, I just wasn't planning on a vet bill & don't have any extra $$ it will just come out of my horse racing money...no biggie"
????
You see, she is going with the neighbors to the track this weekend in which I was invited, but I declined. Why? Because these are with our non-believer neighbors, and I don't want to be privy to all the drinking since I myself have a tendency and a weakness to drink socially. I also realize that I'm not a gambler, and our money should be going elsewhere, but I don't want to deny my wife an outing.
What bothers me was the quip that she'd have to, (god forbid), use her racing money. This is the same person who bitched the other day because our electric bill topped $200 because we ran the air conditioner because of the recent heatwave. This again, is the same person who couldn't help pay the mortgage this last month, but had enough money to take her other friends out to lunch on Saturday, and buy breakfast for the other neighbors on Sunday, and go out bowling tonight!
Yes, I'm angry. I'm livid. I feel like taking her purse away from her. But what good is that going to do, but make me look like an ass? Like I'm controlling? Like I'm that recluse husband that is about to go postal (I sure feel like it).
I'm doing everything in my power right now to pray about it. I plan on talking to one of my church counselors tonight....not just for the state of our marriage and because I do not know what to do any longer, but because I know if I let this get under my skin (which it pretty much already has), it's just a matter of time before I slip back into the past and say something stupid, or worse, do something stupid that'll end me back up on the tranquilizers.
How can two people, who love each other, be so far apart?
August 23, 2007
Unsaid love, Part II...
First, thank you to the commenter who gave me the passage in Mark yesterday. That helps me out in satisfying my curiosity, but I can't help but wonder why Christ made such a strong statement about marriage here on earth, but doesn't appear to have any meaning in heaven.
So as I wrote my post yesterday, many thoughts went through my head. It was like a VCR on rewind, and pause, and play, and rewind again. In my mind I saw a lot of good things, but I also saw a lot of bad things.
I often reminisce about the days in which we dated. I was dating a few people at the time, and my past is one mired in physical relationship after physical relationship. Part of my depression seemed to stem from the fact I was having these momentary moments of coital bliss, but ultimately they were all headed for failure, and I often wondered towards God why none of them ever lasted. Though on the surface most men, including myself, are in denial....but I'd dare say they all failed because sex and fun came first....not God.
I may be a lot of thing, or have been in the past, but one thing I always took seriously was marriage...or the concept of. I believed very strongly, and still do (one point I never wavered on) that marriage is indeed a contract with God. I may have broken commandments and such, but I promised myself that the only way we'd be separated is through death or she would have to divorce me.
That has honestly led to some difficult times in my own mind. At the high (or I guess low) of my depressive state when I was taking several medications, one of the things I thought about were those fleeting moments of past relationships. While none of them lasted, I 'missed' the finer moments and pleasant memories of those dalliances, and mostly those memories were of a physical nature...not of unpaid bills, arguments on raising kids, why certain obligations are not being met, promises broken, priorities screwed up.
Man, that's a handful of posts all in itself....
So anyway, my wife e-mailed me yesterday, and from the brief nature and tone of her words, I knew she wasn't having a good day. She doesn't care for her job, but she cannot quit, and she won't go out and find a new job either. I don't want her to quit right now because I already find it difficult to foot 80% of our finances especially since I just stared a new job and our savings were depleted a tad when I was unemployed and was taking odd jobs. She wants to take a vacation, or at least the honeymoon we never took....and I don't blame her. In the four years we've been married, there seems that something has always come up preventing us from taking more than 3 days off (and two of those are usually the weekend).
I replied to her that I love her, and that I am sorry I don't always express it the way I should. I explained that my frustrations are born out of the fact that I do indeed care and love her, but feel a distance at times. Some of that I have brought upon myself, others have been by spiritual growth and my wife's inability to give up certain 'social' activities with immature friends and neighbors. That's one thing that really irks me....don't have money to pay bills, but plenty of money to have a few mixed drinks with the busy-body, gossiping hen neighbors. My spider-sense goes off around a few of them to the point I don't want to be around a few of them lest I open my mouth and say something I'd regret....and probably very un-christian like.
I have a few more months at my new job before I can even put in for a vacation, but we really do need to take off for a week....and re-connect. We've talked about a cruise forever, and that's something we'd both like to do. Why does my mind feel a bit angry though knowing I'm gonna pay for the whole thing. I know God is looking at me at shaking his head: "Son, money is nothing to me and should not be your god. Worry not about tomorrow for I will take care of you who have faith."
Man, I can be such a tool at times. I am getting better. I do have more moments of peace today than before, but I have a ways to go still. Anyway, I feel that my telling her in email that I love her and think about her a lot and pray for us wasn't the most ideal way...but I was caught up in the moment at that point in time. I suppose it's better than doing nothing at all.
So as I wrote my post yesterday, many thoughts went through my head. It was like a VCR on rewind, and pause, and play, and rewind again. In my mind I saw a lot of good things, but I also saw a lot of bad things.
I often reminisce about the days in which we dated. I was dating a few people at the time, and my past is one mired in physical relationship after physical relationship. Part of my depression seemed to stem from the fact I was having these momentary moments of coital bliss, but ultimately they were all headed for failure, and I often wondered towards God why none of them ever lasted. Though on the surface most men, including myself, are in denial....but I'd dare say they all failed because sex and fun came first....not God.
I may be a lot of thing, or have been in the past, but one thing I always took seriously was marriage...or the concept of. I believed very strongly, and still do (one point I never wavered on) that marriage is indeed a contract with God. I may have broken commandments and such, but I promised myself that the only way we'd be separated is through death or she would have to divorce me.
That has honestly led to some difficult times in my own mind. At the high (or I guess low) of my depressive state when I was taking several medications, one of the things I thought about were those fleeting moments of past relationships. While none of them lasted, I 'missed' the finer moments and pleasant memories of those dalliances, and mostly those memories were of a physical nature...not of unpaid bills, arguments on raising kids, why certain obligations are not being met, promises broken, priorities screwed up.
Man, that's a handful of posts all in itself....
So anyway, my wife e-mailed me yesterday, and from the brief nature and tone of her words, I knew she wasn't having a good day. She doesn't care for her job, but she cannot quit, and she won't go out and find a new job either. I don't want her to quit right now because I already find it difficult to foot 80% of our finances especially since I just stared a new job and our savings were depleted a tad when I was unemployed and was taking odd jobs. She wants to take a vacation, or at least the honeymoon we never took....and I don't blame her. In the four years we've been married, there seems that something has always come up preventing us from taking more than 3 days off (and two of those are usually the weekend).
I replied to her that I love her, and that I am sorry I don't always express it the way I should. I explained that my frustrations are born out of the fact that I do indeed care and love her, but feel a distance at times. Some of that I have brought upon myself, others have been by spiritual growth and my wife's inability to give up certain 'social' activities with immature friends and neighbors. That's one thing that really irks me....don't have money to pay bills, but plenty of money to have a few mixed drinks with the busy-body, gossiping hen neighbors. My spider-sense goes off around a few of them to the point I don't want to be around a few of them lest I open my mouth and say something I'd regret....and probably very un-christian like.
I have a few more months at my new job before I can even put in for a vacation, but we really do need to take off for a week....and re-connect. We've talked about a cruise forever, and that's something we'd both like to do. Why does my mind feel a bit angry though knowing I'm gonna pay for the whole thing. I know God is looking at me at shaking his head: "Son, money is nothing to me and should not be your god. Worry not about tomorrow for I will take care of you who have faith."
Man, I can be such a tool at times. I am getting better. I do have more moments of peace today than before, but I have a ways to go still. Anyway, I feel that my telling her in email that I love her and think about her a lot and pray for us wasn't the most ideal way...but I was caught up in the moment at that point in time. I suppose it's better than doing nothing at all.
August 22, 2007
Unsaid Love
Anyone who says marriage is easy, I say they are not being honest with themselves or the situation. Even for the most evenly yoked personalities I cannot imagine there not ever being an 'off' day here and there. People are people, and people at their rawest aspects have tendencies of putting themselves first. Not sure if that is an outcome of the original sin, but I cannot see how it isn't at least tied to it in some way.
By our basic human natures, we are selfish to a certain level. Sure, there are those that can hide it very well, or at least appear to be unselfish, but somewhere along the line we all falter.
And to those that say that the key to a happy marriage is 'communication', I also say that sounds good until your spouse disagrees with you on any subject. To say ignorance is bliss is to sweep problems under the rug, to let them fester until resentment is born and harbored.
My wife and I have been married almost four years. I love her, however, I sometimes question what my definition of 'love' is. I even surprise myself that I haven't figured this out yet. There are days, sad to say, I feel that I love her more than others. Is it because I am not a great communicator in that emotional realm? Is it because we are not evenly yoked? Is it because I have not devoted my whole marriage to God, or because I let my own insecurities put up a wall around my heart? Because after a few years I'm bored? Because I'm depressed? Because I'm not generally happy and I let that bleed over into my marital outlook? Maybe because like any person, I sometimes get disappointed by her lack of actions or priorities.
Nonetheless, I suppose it's fair to say she feels the same about me on certain days.
I cannot recall if the Bible even mentions the concept of marriage in heaven....that is, when we die and are present in heaven, is marriage recognized between former spouses? There is no clear indication I am aware of, so I suppose I am strapped to contemplate what marriage means in my mortal form.
It's not always happy.
At least not for me.
Part of the problem is our lack of communication between us. I suppose some of that is based in fear. Fear that neither one of us wants to be up front and honest, lest it begins an epic argument neither of us wants to spend the energy on.
So we become complacent.
Complacency breeds emotional staleness. I've felt a bit stale lately. I know I love my wife, but sometimes I also feel as though we are actually just roomies, and that saddens me. We do do separate things on occasion, and we are both headstrong. Sometimes I feel as if I have had no support from her at all....like when I lost my job. I felt very alone. As a husband, that saddened me and I don't think I ever fully recovered from that. Sometimes I admit I even had resentment of our marriage because I felt she wasn't participating as I 'thought' spouses should act during trying times.
My wife tells me she loves me, and sometimes I admit, it doesn't feel like it phases me. Like the words have no effect because I jaded myself, somehow, somewhere, sometime.
I met my wife and some neighbors at a local watering hole the other day, not because I wanted to really be there, but for some reason I felt obligated to show up...though my heart wasn't really into it.
My wife excused herself for a minute to use the restroom, and my neighbors turned to me in her absence. "You know....Your wife really loves you. She talks about you a lot in a favorable manner."
I was stunned....and speechless...and digesting this information and not knowing how to respond. On the one hand, I felt very good and flattered. On the other hand, I felt saddened or some emotion somewhat analogous to it. I wonder why she doesn't express herself like that to me when we are alone? Funny, it doesn't feel like it at times.
Those simple heart felt words took on a totally different meaning when coming from a neighbor than out of the mouth of my wife. I feel guilt and ashamed to a certain degree....and elated...and confused on where our communications of emotions broke down. And are either one of us too stubborn to admit it and work on it.
By our basic human natures, we are selfish to a certain level. Sure, there are those that can hide it very well, or at least appear to be unselfish, but somewhere along the line we all falter.
And to those that say that the key to a happy marriage is 'communication', I also say that sounds good until your spouse disagrees with you on any subject. To say ignorance is bliss is to sweep problems under the rug, to let them fester until resentment is born and harbored.
My wife and I have been married almost four years. I love her, however, I sometimes question what my definition of 'love' is. I even surprise myself that I haven't figured this out yet. There are days, sad to say, I feel that I love her more than others. Is it because I am not a great communicator in that emotional realm? Is it because we are not evenly yoked? Is it because I have not devoted my whole marriage to God, or because I let my own insecurities put up a wall around my heart? Because after a few years I'm bored? Because I'm depressed? Because I'm not generally happy and I let that bleed over into my marital outlook? Maybe because like any person, I sometimes get disappointed by her lack of actions or priorities.
Nonetheless, I suppose it's fair to say she feels the same about me on certain days.
I cannot recall if the Bible even mentions the concept of marriage in heaven....that is, when we die and are present in heaven, is marriage recognized between former spouses? There is no clear indication I am aware of, so I suppose I am strapped to contemplate what marriage means in my mortal form.
It's not always happy.
At least not for me.
Part of the problem is our lack of communication between us. I suppose some of that is based in fear. Fear that neither one of us wants to be up front and honest, lest it begins an epic argument neither of us wants to spend the energy on.
So we become complacent.
Complacency breeds emotional staleness. I've felt a bit stale lately. I know I love my wife, but sometimes I also feel as though we are actually just roomies, and that saddens me. We do do separate things on occasion, and we are both headstrong. Sometimes I feel as if I have had no support from her at all....like when I lost my job. I felt very alone. As a husband, that saddened me and I don't think I ever fully recovered from that. Sometimes I admit I even had resentment of our marriage because I felt she wasn't participating as I 'thought' spouses should act during trying times.
My wife tells me she loves me, and sometimes I admit, it doesn't feel like it phases me. Like the words have no effect because I jaded myself, somehow, somewhere, sometime.
I met my wife and some neighbors at a local watering hole the other day, not because I wanted to really be there, but for some reason I felt obligated to show up...though my heart wasn't really into it.
My wife excused herself for a minute to use the restroom, and my neighbors turned to me in her absence. "You know....Your wife really loves you. She talks about you a lot in a favorable manner."
I was stunned....and speechless...and digesting this information and not knowing how to respond. On the one hand, I felt very good and flattered. On the other hand, I felt saddened or some emotion somewhat analogous to it. I wonder why she doesn't express herself like that to me when we are alone? Funny, it doesn't feel like it at times.
Those simple heart felt words took on a totally different meaning when coming from a neighbor than out of the mouth of my wife. I feel guilt and ashamed to a certain degree....and elated...and confused on where our communications of emotions broke down. And are either one of us too stubborn to admit it and work on it.
August 17, 2007
Stress
The last few days it seems my stress levels have been slightly elevated, specifically in regards to personal finance and salvation.
While it seems these are two totally un-related subjects, there are portions of both that complex and seem to overlap.
Overall, I have less stress today than a year ago. No recent panic attacks. No shortness of breath. No severe tightening in the chest. But my sleep is a little restless, I tend to have more vivid and chaotic dreams as of late, and my patience with my wife and dome of her priorities seem to push my buttons just right.
Coupled with all that above, I've been reading a lot of Revelations lately, and subject matter on the various judgements, those being the Bema and the Great White Throne judgement. I've not only been thinking of my own salvation, but I have had a lot of random thoughts in my head regarding the salvation of my friends and families, and now complete strangers.
With the recent earthquake in Peru, the suicide bombings in Iraq, plane crashes, mine colapses, fires and random violence, it just seems as if hundreds are dying at any givin moments and I cannot help but wonder the state of their hearts and souls. I know Christ says not to worry about tomorrow, but I find that very hard not to do! I worry about a lot of things, including myself, and now complete strangers. While I don't think that is entirely bad, I also know it is becoming somewhat consuming and makes me unbale to relax. I really do need a vacation. Sure I could save money and buy something for our house, but it seems thats all I do......Save money for something that always seems to need to be fixed or replaces....yet I hardly spend any money on 'frivoulous' things like weekend getaways.
I was watching the BBC series Planet Earth, and I cannot tell you in those three hours how many wonderful things I saw that I woudl like to experince myself. There was a whole segment on Panda bears, and at the end of 20 minutes, I secretly now have a desire to go to China. Not to Hong Kong or Beijing.....but to go to the wilderness and see cherry blossom trees bloom. To smell what fresh bamboo smells like. Wierd?
I've had a glass of wine every night this week. There really is no reason why, other that the bottle is there, and at the moment there is a strong desire to have some. I don't even use a wine glass. I just pour it in a tumbler like I would a gin & tonic.
Last night my feet were sore. My body was aching from all the walking I do at work. By 9:30pm all I could think of was crawling in bed and having a peaceful sleep. I didn't make it to bed before 10:30, and I was sound asleep shortly thereafter. I had some not pleasant dreams....not really nightmares....but dreams that nonetheless made me feel uncomfortable, and they were spiritual in matter...that I am sure of. Visions of friends from years ago filled my mind. Some I haven't seen in 10 or more years...some even from high school, and all I knew was there was a feeling that their salvation was at stake. I awoke at around 2:45am and prayed silently. Not extactly 100% sure what I prayed for other than some peace of mind and one friend in particular. Maybe I should look him up and see how he is doing.
I finally got up this morning, and propably wasn't in the best of moods. My wife is delinquent on some bills that are supposed to be her responsibility, and to be honest, I don't try to pry to much on where her money goes. I do know that I feel her priorities are backwards at times, and she tends to put personal stuff ahead of marital stuff, and that bugs me to a certain extent. I've brought up my concerns before with what I consider valid examples and logic, but all then ends me up in is an argument. I often wonder how she would cope on her own if I or some other schlub wasn't around. Seriously, one thing that seems to keep our marriage everything that I think it should be is her non-prioritization of money. I notice that when it comes to certain bills, she often comes up short and the bill ends up in my lap, but she miracously has money to do things she wants in her social life. Her happy hour once or twice a week with her immature friends seems to take priority over more important things, and how dare I bring light to the situation lest I am holding finances over her head.
Yeah, my tone is a littel stronger today. A little un-christian like some may say, but hey...I'm human...and she ticks me off at times. Unless she walks a day in my shoes she has no idea how my mind and stress gets elevated.
While it seems these are two totally un-related subjects, there are portions of both that complex and seem to overlap.
Overall, I have less stress today than a year ago. No recent panic attacks. No shortness of breath. No severe tightening in the chest. But my sleep is a little restless, I tend to have more vivid and chaotic dreams as of late, and my patience with my wife and dome of her priorities seem to push my buttons just right.
Coupled with all that above, I've been reading a lot of Revelations lately, and subject matter on the various judgements, those being the Bema and the Great White Throne judgement. I've not only been thinking of my own salvation, but I have had a lot of random thoughts in my head regarding the salvation of my friends and families, and now complete strangers.
With the recent earthquake in Peru, the suicide bombings in Iraq, plane crashes, mine colapses, fires and random violence, it just seems as if hundreds are dying at any givin moments and I cannot help but wonder the state of their hearts and souls. I know Christ says not to worry about tomorrow, but I find that very hard not to do! I worry about a lot of things, including myself, and now complete strangers. While I don't think that is entirely bad, I also know it is becoming somewhat consuming and makes me unbale to relax. I really do need a vacation. Sure I could save money and buy something for our house, but it seems thats all I do......Save money for something that always seems to need to be fixed or replaces....yet I hardly spend any money on 'frivoulous' things like weekend getaways.
I was watching the BBC series Planet Earth, and I cannot tell you in those three hours how many wonderful things I saw that I woudl like to experince myself. There was a whole segment on Panda bears, and at the end of 20 minutes, I secretly now have a desire to go to China. Not to Hong Kong or Beijing.....but to go to the wilderness and see cherry blossom trees bloom. To smell what fresh bamboo smells like. Wierd?
I've had a glass of wine every night this week. There really is no reason why, other that the bottle is there, and at the moment there is a strong desire to have some. I don't even use a wine glass. I just pour it in a tumbler like I would a gin & tonic.
Last night my feet were sore. My body was aching from all the walking I do at work. By 9:30pm all I could think of was crawling in bed and having a peaceful sleep. I didn't make it to bed before 10:30, and I was sound asleep shortly thereafter. I had some not pleasant dreams....not really nightmares....but dreams that nonetheless made me feel uncomfortable, and they were spiritual in matter...that I am sure of. Visions of friends from years ago filled my mind. Some I haven't seen in 10 or more years...some even from high school, and all I knew was there was a feeling that their salvation was at stake. I awoke at around 2:45am and prayed silently. Not extactly 100% sure what I prayed for other than some peace of mind and one friend in particular. Maybe I should look him up and see how he is doing.
I finally got up this morning, and propably wasn't in the best of moods. My wife is delinquent on some bills that are supposed to be her responsibility, and to be honest, I don't try to pry to much on where her money goes. I do know that I feel her priorities are backwards at times, and she tends to put personal stuff ahead of marital stuff, and that bugs me to a certain extent. I've brought up my concerns before with what I consider valid examples and logic, but all then ends me up in is an argument. I often wonder how she would cope on her own if I or some other schlub wasn't around. Seriously, one thing that seems to keep our marriage everything that I think it should be is her non-prioritization of money. I notice that when it comes to certain bills, she often comes up short and the bill ends up in my lap, but she miracously has money to do things she wants in her social life. Her happy hour once or twice a week with her immature friends seems to take priority over more important things, and how dare I bring light to the situation lest I am holding finances over her head.
Yeah, my tone is a littel stronger today. A little un-christian like some may say, but hey...I'm human...and she ticks me off at times. Unless she walks a day in my shoes she has no idea how my mind and stress gets elevated.
August 15, 2007
Points to Ponder II
This has been on my mind for a few weeks as well, ever since I saw a play from Michael Sewell and his ministried regarding the Bema Judgement.
In one part of his play, Michael's character stands with 'all' those who were saved and not apart of the Great White Throne judgement or the Judgement of the Nations. The character narrates that he is but one person, or soul, gathered amogst all the other people who are awaiting the Bema Judgement from Christ, and he looks around himself and there are people as far as the eye can see, in all directions, awaiting their moment with Christ.
I never really thought of this before. The bible speaks of Bema Judgement as one event, not broken up into smaller segments over the course of days or weeks. 'Everyone' who is saved (that is accpeted Christ for salvation) appears at this time for a reckoning and accounting of their works on earth. (Cor 5: 7-10 & Rom 14: 10-12)
We're not talking hundred or thousands of people, we're probably talking on the scale of millions! Perhaps billions? Can you imagine billions of people all gathered shoulder to shoulder at one point, one event, for personal judgement! I dare say I cannot get my mind wrapped around this, but then again, once in Paradise or Heaven, the laws of physics, time, and space do not apply. Perhaps I will be standing next to people from other countries, from multiple era's, both from the far past and distant future, together, awaiting judgement.
I cannot seem to begin to paint a picture or concept on which this may look like. I don't think my brain is equipped.
In one part of his play, Michael's character stands with 'all' those who were saved and not apart of the Great White Throne judgement or the Judgement of the Nations. The character narrates that he is but one person, or soul, gathered amogst all the other people who are awaiting the Bema Judgement from Christ, and he looks around himself and there are people as far as the eye can see, in all directions, awaiting their moment with Christ.
I never really thought of this before. The bible speaks of Bema Judgement as one event, not broken up into smaller segments over the course of days or weeks. 'Everyone' who is saved (that is accpeted Christ for salvation) appears at this time for a reckoning and accounting of their works on earth. (Cor 5: 7-10 & Rom 14: 10-12)
We're not talking hundred or thousands of people, we're probably talking on the scale of millions! Perhaps billions? Can you imagine billions of people all gathered shoulder to shoulder at one point, one event, for personal judgement! I dare say I cannot get my mind wrapped around this, but then again, once in Paradise or Heaven, the laws of physics, time, and space do not apply. Perhaps I will be standing next to people from other countries, from multiple era's, both from the far past and distant future, together, awaiting judgement.
I cannot seem to begin to paint a picture or concept on which this may look like. I don't think my brain is equipped.
August 13, 2007
Patience...I have none
One gift I have never, ever had has been patience.
Among my personal pet-peeves is repeating myself, explaining something when the answer is right in front of you, being late for any engagement, and to some extent...commercials of all things.
I was reminded yet again of my lack of patience yesterday while watching the PGA championship with Tiger Woods. This whole example is somewhat laughable as it is one big oxymoron, and I am quite aware of it.
One sport that I actually do enjoy watching on TV is golf. I like the occasional football game, but for a guy, you can seriously keep soccer, basketball, tennis, baseball and just about everything else. I do like some Olympic events, but for the most part, I really don't care about sports to much....except golf.
I like the pace of golf, I revel in the accuracy and focus of the game, and if anyone has really watched it, it seems that the announcers are as excitable as an NPR newscast. Okay, maybe that's a bit over the top, but the announcers do get a tad goofy over the most mundane facts.
Many people think that golf is a relaxing, slow paced game, often to help reduce stress, enjoy the day, the greenery, nature. I agree
But you take a slow game like golf, and you come down to the last few holes between Tiger, Eles, and Austin, and CBS can turn 5 minutes into a half hour. I found myself getting so irritated with the commercial breaks at the end because the tension was mounting and the came was getting close. Gameplay seemed like it was interrupted every two minutes by yet another lame commercial. I realized there was no one else around, and I had nothing else planned for the day, yet I was getting so antsy. I could feel myself clenching my hands and audibly chastising the television.
How can I expect the Lord to calm my spirit in serious matters when I can't even relax for a leisurely game of golf that has no impact directly on me?
I've been told countless times over the years from my family that I need to relax, that I need to learn patience, and I agree. I could give myself a heart attack or an ulcer or high blood pressure if I don't do something about it. I pray in regards to it, and it really has yet to be addressed either by me or God. I sometimes wonder if this has been a contributing factor to my panic attacks? The reason I took Clonapen? Amazing what a few milligrams of that stuff can do. Sometimes I wish I had an unlimited supply of that stuff, that anytime I even felt the slightest onset of angst, I could pop one....but I don't. And I'm pretty sure in the long run it isn't good for anybody.
Among my personal pet-peeves is repeating myself, explaining something when the answer is right in front of you, being late for any engagement, and to some extent...commercials of all things.
I was reminded yet again of my lack of patience yesterday while watching the PGA championship with Tiger Woods. This whole example is somewhat laughable as it is one big oxymoron, and I am quite aware of it.
One sport that I actually do enjoy watching on TV is golf. I like the occasional football game, but for a guy, you can seriously keep soccer, basketball, tennis, baseball and just about everything else. I do like some Olympic events, but for the most part, I really don't care about sports to much....except golf.
I like the pace of golf, I revel in the accuracy and focus of the game, and if anyone has really watched it, it seems that the announcers are as excitable as an NPR newscast. Okay, maybe that's a bit over the top, but the announcers do get a tad goofy over the most mundane facts.
Many people think that golf is a relaxing, slow paced game, often to help reduce stress, enjoy the day, the greenery, nature. I agree
But you take a slow game like golf, and you come down to the last few holes between Tiger, Eles, and Austin, and CBS can turn 5 minutes into a half hour. I found myself getting so irritated with the commercial breaks at the end because the tension was mounting and the came was getting close. Gameplay seemed like it was interrupted every two minutes by yet another lame commercial. I realized there was no one else around, and I had nothing else planned for the day, yet I was getting so antsy. I could feel myself clenching my hands and audibly chastising the television.
How can I expect the Lord to calm my spirit in serious matters when I can't even relax for a leisurely game of golf that has no impact directly on me?
I've been told countless times over the years from my family that I need to relax, that I need to learn patience, and I agree. I could give myself a heart attack or an ulcer or high blood pressure if I don't do something about it. I pray in regards to it, and it really has yet to be addressed either by me or God. I sometimes wonder if this has been a contributing factor to my panic attacks? The reason I took Clonapen? Amazing what a few milligrams of that stuff can do. Sometimes I wish I had an unlimited supply of that stuff, that anytime I even felt the slightest onset of angst, I could pop one....but I don't. And I'm pretty sure in the long run it isn't good for anybody.
August 08, 2007
Son of God vs. Son of Man
I took the following article from ChristianAnswer.net, this is not my own writing, but a comment I received moved me to search for more info. I hope this helps. I myself am muddling through it, as while it may answer some questions for me, it creates a few more as well.:
This sounds like some kind of contradiction at first glance, but in fact there is no contradiction. An examination of Scripture reveals that the phrase "Son of Man" carries broad significance.
First of all, even if the phrase "Son of Man" is a reference to Jesus' humanity, it is not a denial of His deity. By becoming a man, Jesus did not cease being God. The incarnation of Christ did not involve the subtraction of deity, but the addition of humanity. Jesus clearly claimed to be God on many occasions (Matthew 16:16,17; John 8:58; 10:30). But in addition to being divine, He was also human (see Philippians 2:6-8). He had two natures (divine and human) conjoined in one person.
Further, Scripture indicates that Jesus was not denying His deity by referring to Himself as the Son of Man. In fact, it is highly revealing that the term "Son of Man" is used in Scripture in contexts of Christ's deity. For example, the Bible says that only God can forgive sins (Isaiah 43:25; Mark 2:7). But as the "Son of Man," Jesus had the power to forgive sins (Mark 2:10). Likewise, Christ will return to earth as the "Son of Man" in clouds of glory to reign on earth (Matthew 26:63-64). In this passage, Jesus is citing Daniel 7:13 where the Messiah is described as the "Ancient of Days," a phrase used to indicate His deity (cf. Daniel 7:9).
Further, when Jesus was asked by the high priest whether He was the "Son of God" (Matthew 26:63), He responded affirmatively, declaring that He was the "Son of Man" who would come in power and great glory (verse 64). This indicated that Jesus Himself used the phrase "Son of Man" to indicate His deity as the Son of God.
Finally, the phrase "Son of Man" also emphasizes who Jesus is in relation to His incarnation and His work of salvation. In the Old Testament (Leviticus 25:25-26, 48-49; Ruth 2:20), the next of kin (one related by blood) always functioned as the "kinsman-redeemer" of a family member who needed redemption from jail. Jesus became related to us "by blood" (that is, He became a man) so He could function as our Kinsman-Redeemer and rescue us from sin.
Jesus: God or Man.
If Jesus died, How could he be alive today?
This sounds like some kind of contradiction at first glance, but in fact there is no contradiction. An examination of Scripture reveals that the phrase "Son of Man" carries broad significance.
First of all, even if the phrase "Son of Man" is a reference to Jesus' humanity, it is not a denial of His deity. By becoming a man, Jesus did not cease being God. The incarnation of Christ did not involve the subtraction of deity, but the addition of humanity. Jesus clearly claimed to be God on many occasions (Matthew 16:16,17; John 8:58; 10:30). But in addition to being divine, He was also human (see Philippians 2:6-8). He had two natures (divine and human) conjoined in one person.
Further, Scripture indicates that Jesus was not denying His deity by referring to Himself as the Son of Man. In fact, it is highly revealing that the term "Son of Man" is used in Scripture in contexts of Christ's deity. For example, the Bible says that only God can forgive sins (Isaiah 43:25; Mark 2:7). But as the "Son of Man," Jesus had the power to forgive sins (Mark 2:10). Likewise, Christ will return to earth as the "Son of Man" in clouds of glory to reign on earth (Matthew 26:63-64). In this passage, Jesus is citing Daniel 7:13 where the Messiah is described as the "Ancient of Days," a phrase used to indicate His deity (cf. Daniel 7:9).
Further, when Jesus was asked by the high priest whether He was the "Son of God" (Matthew 26:63), He responded affirmatively, declaring that He was the "Son of Man" who would come in power and great glory (verse 64). This indicated that Jesus Himself used the phrase "Son of Man" to indicate His deity as the Son of God.
Finally, the phrase "Son of Man" also emphasizes who Jesus is in relation to His incarnation and His work of salvation. In the Old Testament (Leviticus 25:25-26, 48-49; Ruth 2:20), the next of kin (one related by blood) always functioned as the "kinsman-redeemer" of a family member who needed redemption from jail. Jesus became related to us "by blood" (that is, He became a man) so He could function as our Kinsman-Redeemer and rescue us from sin.
Jesus: God or Man.
If Jesus died, How could he be alive today?
Random Happenings
The last 24 hours I have been under some mental duress, some of my own making, some not (but I guess I allow those incidents to really get my noggin spinning).
I'll admit, by the end of the day I was pretty tired. Both mentally and physically, but even after a long day at work, I had some chores to do at home in which I really didn't want to do, but they had to be done. I was hoping my wife would have offered or helped, but as the usual M.O. goes she was 'too tired'. Big suprise there. The thing is, I notice that when it comes to certain responsibilities or chores she is often always 'too tired', leaving me to do them. Par for the course.
This irritated me yesterday, and without going over the top and stopping myself short of getting into an arguement, I told her how I felt about her continous excuses. Seriously, it's always "It's too hot", "I'm too tired", "I have no money",....something. However, when it comes to my wife's personal social life, she miracously finds a reserve of energy to hang out with the neighbors, or scraped up some change for a few drinks. In fact, I pointed this out to her....that as long as it suits her or has some entertainment value for her (usually including a few drinks and a few cigarettes), she has no problem. She only has a problem when she is required to do something she perceives as a chore. Last night is was walking the dog. Yeah, this might sound very petty to you, but I don't understand when it comes to walking 'our' dog, she is always too tired to walk him 15-20 minutes, but she has plenty of energy to go bowling 4 hours every Monday night with her league. Oh, and she's going again tonight for a playoff...guess she has plenty of energy for that.
She wants me to get her a gym membership at $18 a month because she 'has no extra money', but when we talked about this bowling league, I was really not that surprised to learn that the social aspects of a few cocktails and cigarettes is about $50 a week, or $200 a month!! Well, I say....buy 1 less drink every Monday night, and you'll have your gym money.
So yeah, I was pretty worked up and angry last night when I walked the dog...like I usually do...and my wife knew it. She has a hard time apologizing, but she knows when she is wrong...so she made me a very nice dinner instead last night. That's my wifes way of apologizing and smoothing things over. The dinner was very good, but this behavior often baffles me. She'll spend an hour cooking a fabulous meal (one she wasn't intending to do), but she won't walk the dog 15-20 minutes. I don't get it.
So needless to say, I wasn't (and still aren't) feeling very spiritual at all right now, which lends you have some sympathy for me for what I'm about to discuss next....
~~~~~~~~~~~
I received two comments on my 'Points to Ponder' post from yesterday, and I chose not to publish either one. (BTW: My second point to ponder is still forthecoming)
I want to say to the 'anonymous' poster, I read your comment a few times and believe that you do indeed take what you said very seriously. You had some scripture to back it up and I was impressed, however, I don't agree with you. Perhaps it is the way we interpret scripture, either from our own pastors, teachings, or exposure to different translations. While I did follow your point(s), I don't agree only because I believe that Christ is indeed God, but when he came to us in a 'transfigured' state, taking on the flesh of man, I believe He temporarily seperated his 'full nature' from Himself and the Godhead to fulfill prophecy. That He allowed Himself to take on the experiences of man so that he could be tempted, and thus defeat temptation (Bible states He was tempted in every way...just never succumbed to tempation and actual sin) and death itself. You stated that if Christ was God, and God cannot die, then Christ could not be God because He did die during His crucifixtion.
Well, I suppose at first glance, this does indeed look to be true. But to fufill prophecy, and give us the gift of salvation then a perfect sacrafice was needed and blood needed to be shed. He shed His blood for us so that he could conquer death itself and perhaps preach to those in in the bossom of Abraham who had dired before but did not have salvation until this point. He preached to those departed and gave them a choice. So I guess while His mortal shell seemed to have perished, He was preaching to the departed spirits, only to return to His flesh body three days later, and then rise into heaven where I now believe He stands next to the Father.
No I can't fully explain this, and like I said, you had some scripture to back it up, but so does the Jehovah Witness and the Latter Day Saints, but I think there are some translation issues with certain words and scripture and I don't agree with their interpretations either.
I wish I could talk to you more in my own confidence, but I'm a young and immature Christian in the word, and I cannot claim to understand everything I read right now. I wish I could, and I want to tell you; I have indeed been thinking about you today and wish I did have the proper words, but I want to thank you anyway and I will bring your points up with my own pastor to see what he says.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I also received another comment, which directed me to a web page of an 'innaugural address'. It was 'amusing' to the say the least, full of holes in logic, and random mutterings of spaceships, MTV videos, and male slaves...all coming from someone proclaiming to be God already here on earth. Sorry, I think I knew after the first sentenence of your incomprehensible diatribe you were not my God. 'Nuff said about that.
I'll admit, by the end of the day I was pretty tired. Both mentally and physically, but even after a long day at work, I had some chores to do at home in which I really didn't want to do, but they had to be done. I was hoping my wife would have offered or helped, but as the usual M.O. goes she was 'too tired'. Big suprise there. The thing is, I notice that when it comes to certain responsibilities or chores she is often always 'too tired', leaving me to do them. Par for the course.
This irritated me yesterday, and without going over the top and stopping myself short of getting into an arguement, I told her how I felt about her continous excuses. Seriously, it's always "It's too hot", "I'm too tired", "I have no money",....something. However, when it comes to my wife's personal social life, she miracously finds a reserve of energy to hang out with the neighbors, or scraped up some change for a few drinks. In fact, I pointed this out to her....that as long as it suits her or has some entertainment value for her (usually including a few drinks and a few cigarettes), she has no problem. She only has a problem when she is required to do something she perceives as a chore. Last night is was walking the dog. Yeah, this might sound very petty to you, but I don't understand when it comes to walking 'our' dog, she is always too tired to walk him 15-20 minutes, but she has plenty of energy to go bowling 4 hours every Monday night with her league. Oh, and she's going again tonight for a playoff...guess she has plenty of energy for that.
She wants me to get her a gym membership at $18 a month because she 'has no extra money', but when we talked about this bowling league, I was really not that surprised to learn that the social aspects of a few cocktails and cigarettes is about $50 a week, or $200 a month!! Well, I say....buy 1 less drink every Monday night, and you'll have your gym money.
So yeah, I was pretty worked up and angry last night when I walked the dog...like I usually do...and my wife knew it. She has a hard time apologizing, but she knows when she is wrong...so she made me a very nice dinner instead last night. That's my wifes way of apologizing and smoothing things over. The dinner was very good, but this behavior often baffles me. She'll spend an hour cooking a fabulous meal (one she wasn't intending to do), but she won't walk the dog 15-20 minutes. I don't get it.
So needless to say, I wasn't (and still aren't) feeling very spiritual at all right now, which lends you have some sympathy for me for what I'm about to discuss next....
~~~~~~~~~~~
I received two comments on my 'Points to Ponder' post from yesterday, and I chose not to publish either one. (BTW: My second point to ponder is still forthecoming)
I want to say to the 'anonymous' poster, I read your comment a few times and believe that you do indeed take what you said very seriously. You had some scripture to back it up and I was impressed, however, I don't agree with you. Perhaps it is the way we interpret scripture, either from our own pastors, teachings, or exposure to different translations. While I did follow your point(s), I don't agree only because I believe that Christ is indeed God, but when he came to us in a 'transfigured' state, taking on the flesh of man, I believe He temporarily seperated his 'full nature' from Himself and the Godhead to fulfill prophecy. That He allowed Himself to take on the experiences of man so that he could be tempted, and thus defeat temptation (Bible states He was tempted in every way...just never succumbed to tempation and actual sin) and death itself. You stated that if Christ was God, and God cannot die, then Christ could not be God because He did die during His crucifixtion.
Well, I suppose at first glance, this does indeed look to be true. But to fufill prophecy, and give us the gift of salvation then a perfect sacrafice was needed and blood needed to be shed. He shed His blood for us so that he could conquer death itself and perhaps preach to those in in the bossom of Abraham who had dired before but did not have salvation until this point. He preached to those departed and gave them a choice. So I guess while His mortal shell seemed to have perished, He was preaching to the departed spirits, only to return to His flesh body three days later, and then rise into heaven where I now believe He stands next to the Father.
No I can't fully explain this, and like I said, you had some scripture to back it up, but so does the Jehovah Witness and the Latter Day Saints, but I think there are some translation issues with certain words and scripture and I don't agree with their interpretations either.
I wish I could talk to you more in my own confidence, but I'm a young and immature Christian in the word, and I cannot claim to understand everything I read right now. I wish I could, and I want to tell you; I have indeed been thinking about you today and wish I did have the proper words, but I want to thank you anyway and I will bring your points up with my own pastor to see what he says.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I also received another comment, which directed me to a web page of an 'innaugural address'. It was 'amusing' to the say the least, full of holes in logic, and random mutterings of spaceships, MTV videos, and male slaves...all coming from someone proclaiming to be God already here on earth. Sorry, I think I knew after the first sentenence of your incomprehensible diatribe you were not my God. 'Nuff said about that.
August 07, 2007
Point to Ponder
This thought has been niggling me the last few day. It actually came to me in church where I usually sit alone in the back row (as my wife does not attend).
I've been craving the Word for a few days, very intensly, and the more I crave the Word, the more I notice my secular thoughts also coming to the forefront as if the enemy is taunting me and causing a distraction.
While the message of the day was coming from the book of Romans, I felt as if I could not focus at all. I was listening to the pastor, but it was not sinking in. As I usally do in these matters, I turn to the book of Revelations. I find that throughout my life I have had this, for lack of a better word, 'fascination' with escatolgy and the end times. Revelations scares me, though I know many Christians look forward to these times. I'm honest in saying I do not.
Anyway, I'm quickly getting off track here. Actually, I have two thoughts that have been on my mind as of late, and perhaps someone out there can give me a perspective (I'll describe my other thought in a future post).
Thought: When Christ became man and dwelled amonsgt us, He often referred to Himself as the Alpha & Omega, the Lamb, the Living Word, etc. I have no issue whatsoever in believing He is the Son of God and God himslef (part of the Holy Trinity), however, I ponder the times He prayed to the Father.
There are times the bible describes Christ feverently praying to the Father asking for deliverance from temptation and other things. A) Why pray to just the Father and not the Holy Spirit? It is my understanding that all three are part of the Holy Trinity, and only Christ became flesh foregoing part of Himself for a period of time to fulfill scripture, but did Christ ever pray to the Holy Spirit? Then B) When Christ prayed, was he indirectly also praying to Himself? If He proclaims to be God, and he prays to God, is this a circular statement/argument? I know He looked to the Father for answers, but was this only because He walked amongst man as flesh and blood? It would seem to me that there is a very fine line which I cannot distinguish in which Christ may be praying to Himself....There must be a theological answer to this,...I am sure there is...on faith, but I cannot come to a clear thought other than to just 'accept' it as is.
I've been craving the Word for a few days, very intensly, and the more I crave the Word, the more I notice my secular thoughts also coming to the forefront as if the enemy is taunting me and causing a distraction.
While the message of the day was coming from the book of Romans, I felt as if I could not focus at all. I was listening to the pastor, but it was not sinking in. As I usally do in these matters, I turn to the book of Revelations. I find that throughout my life I have had this, for lack of a better word, 'fascination' with escatolgy and the end times. Revelations scares me, though I know many Christians look forward to these times. I'm honest in saying I do not.
Anyway, I'm quickly getting off track here. Actually, I have two thoughts that have been on my mind as of late, and perhaps someone out there can give me a perspective (I'll describe my other thought in a future post).
Thought: When Christ became man and dwelled amonsgt us, He often referred to Himself as the Alpha & Omega, the Lamb, the Living Word, etc. I have no issue whatsoever in believing He is the Son of God and God himslef (part of the Holy Trinity), however, I ponder the times He prayed to the Father.
There are times the bible describes Christ feverently praying to the Father asking for deliverance from temptation and other things. A) Why pray to just the Father and not the Holy Spirit? It is my understanding that all three are part of the Holy Trinity, and only Christ became flesh foregoing part of Himself for a period of time to fulfill scripture, but did Christ ever pray to the Holy Spirit? Then B) When Christ prayed, was he indirectly also praying to Himself? If He proclaims to be God, and he prays to God, is this a circular statement/argument? I know He looked to the Father for answers, but was this only because He walked amongst man as flesh and blood? It would seem to me that there is a very fine line which I cannot distinguish in which Christ may be praying to Himself....There must be a theological answer to this,...I am sure there is...on faith, but I cannot come to a clear thought other than to just 'accept' it as is.
August 02, 2007
Happy Things
Yesterday was sorta weird. My thoughts drifted alot to shameful memories of my past, on why I am not a deserving Christian and scared of dying alone. I prayed a lot, many of my prayers incohesive jumbles of fragmented thoughts. I'm sorry for this...I regret that...why am I tempted so?On and on and on this went throughout the whole day.
The one positive thing that came out of this was it was a very chatty day, at least on my end, to God above. On the other hand, I dwell a bit to much on my own salvation and worth. I began to think of my selfish nature, and then how miserable and cruel this world can be.
I stood again at one moment, and wondered what the heck happened to my plans, my life, my goals? When I was in college I had a vision of where I would be at 25, and again at 30, and other milestones in my life. Married. Children. Type of car I would own. The briefcase I would carry.
None of that happened, and I often wonder why.
I haven't completely come to grips or terms that my life, despite the promise of free-will, may not be exactly my own. That God has a plan for me, and perhaps it's not the plan 'I' dreamed of, but somehow, I trudge on, day after day. Is my life bad today? No. I am often thankful for what I do have, and know I feel ashamed and guilty when I complain and then am reminded that others around me deal with more travesty and trying times than I, and they still endure.
Late last night, I was flipping through the channels and came across the 1978 movie 'Grease'. I always stop at Grease. I'm not sure why, oh I suppose I can guess, but it is one of my all time favorite movies. I love the music and the story. There are certain songs that when I hear them, I am no longer present in this reality. When I hear these songs, I forget how much I dislike people, how the daily news troubles me, how my own life at times sucks.
'Sandy', 'Hopelessly Devoted To You', & 'Summer Nights' are my favorites followed by the title track. When I listed to the lyrics I can't help but wonder if I was born and raised in the wrong era. It just seems being a teenager in the 50's seemed so much easier and simpler than being a teen in the 80's. Born 30 years too late. If I was a teen in the 50's, I'd be in my late 60's now if I were still alive.
The 80's were a great decade too, much more interesting in terms of history and achievements when compared to the drug laden, free-sex, and Vietnam times of the 60's and 70's. I picture myself as having that clean cut look, a leather jacket, a nice muscle car, a beautiful girl in a poodle skirt. I think it was simpler in comparison to the 'Information Age' which we now live. Bombarded daily now with the Internet, sattelite communications, cell phones always ringing, 24 hour news feeds showing horrific images from around the globe.
Is that why depression may be more relevant today? My own theory that I am devising and crafting is that when people of the 50's weren't as accosted as modern day adults are by so much negative news.
Today we worry about everything....and why not? The sensory stimulation from TV, radio, computers, etc., never stop today, whereas in the 50's you only cared about the sphere you lived in extended out 100 miles or so. Today we are on the cusp of being truly globale and our own personal responsibilities seem to have grown ten-fold.
This is a whole other entry in and of itself, so I leave it be for now.
I'm just saying that the 'true-love' story of Sandy and Danny and the enviornoment back then just seems so much more innocent and harkens back to a more peaceful self.
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