Relaxing evening

I look back at last night and figure it was long overdue.

Sorta a night to myself to a certain extent.

Yesterday was one of the busiest days of work I had in a long time. Our campus is pretty big but not really car friendly, so most of the time its less headache walking from building to building, but I put on a lot of mileage on my feet.

In one aspect its nice because the day goes by rather quickly, but on the other hand my mind was swimming in details and priorities on things that needed to get done before I went home.

When I finally did get home, sadly I was too tired to walk my dog...poor little boy. He means the world to me and is my saving grace to sanity once in a while, but I was too physically tired. Instead, he curled up on my lap and we watched TV together while I had a beer.

My wife did call me and say she would be late at work. Instead of being upset, it gave me the opportunity to sit down and play a video game. Some people laugh that at my age I play video games, but for me it is one of those complete stress relievers. Instead of a competitive shooter or something violent, I opted to play Guitar Hero III. While I have never been a complete fan of rock, metal, classic rock, or like genre's, there is something completely satisfying in getting absorbed into a hand-eye dexterity/coordination/immersion experience in full stereo. I have learned to appreciate some artists and songs I never would have batten an eyelash to before.

I played a full two hours, and when my wife did arrive at home finally, she made a wonderful salad. It was so good, I wish I could have had more...but then the dressing would have added some calories I didn't need that late at night. I guess it would be an oxymoron to then tell you I enjoyed a nice Jack on the rocks then.

Anyway, it was a state of bliss. I slept very well and was even surprised this morning when my wife brought me coffee in bed. Seriously! I was very delighted, surprised, and almost wondering if it were a set up that some shoe was going to drop....but it didn't. You see, the last two weeks has been such a emotional rollercoaster at home between us, that I wouldn't have expected this. These are the things that confuse me....how one day (or a series of days) can be so ugly, and then I seem to get a reprieve and my wife treats me very well. I sometimes believe this is her own way of apologizing to me as the word 'sorry' isn't in her vocabulary. Once she cools down over a period of a few days, there is change of behavior for the better. This is the woman I enjoy and love!

This morning I treated myself to a very large cup of Starbucks coffee as well, and while I know today will be busy as well, for some reason I just feel relaxed.

A New Day

Wow, I have to admit that the comments from Anonymous really had an effect on me. In a good way that is. The fact that there are a few people out there who actually read my entries and take the time to compose thier thoughts and send them my way are very encouraging.

Yesterday's post in retrospect did seem to take on a life of its own. I had only planned on making a few comments in return, and before I knew it I was writing my own novel.

Sometimes its good to do that. Write and write and write. Anybody who really gets to know me also knows that I love to read. On average I read 1-2 novels a month on top of a few magazines cover to cover, technical white papers, news articles, and tons of short stories. One gift I have always had is the ability to jugle multiple stories and not get them confused. I am able to set a book down, start another, return to the former and never miss a beat.

That kinda reminds me when the very first shrink I saw said he believed I had Adult ADD. He went on to say that it has to do short attention spans or the need to always have my mind occupied.

At first, I thought it was all a bunch of hooey, but as time went on I began to see things about myself that may lend some credence to his statements. Although I'm not always positive of the motivation behind it all.

In general, he's right. I had dull moments. I hate being bored. Dull momeents doesn't have to be about adrenaline rushes or full of physical activity either. The more I think of it, the more I realize I usually have to be engaged in something, and I'm quite content on doing it solo. Whether it be a video game, reading a book, building a puzzle, fixing something, watching something, talking about something.

Sometimes I wonder if this is my own defense mechanism. I engage in all sorts of things so I don't feel alone. So I don't have the time to be depressed or negative. It doesn't always work, but the more I listen to my family, freinds, and wife...they clearly know that I 'have' to be doing 'something'.

But I am envious of those who can find the peace and quiet and stillness in their lives. I have written before that there are occassions in which I wish I could shut EVERYTHING out. I paint vivid pictures in my mind of being elsewhere, like a country field next to a stream in the late afternoon....listening to a babbling brook, the wind through the brush, the warmth of the setting sun....and that's all. Other times I close my eyes and almost have to concentrate to relax. Shut out all thoughts and senses and just be one with the air surrounding me, trying to relax and melt into the environment. There are days I crave that peace of mind and stillness like you can't believe.

Anyway, here I go again, off onto another tangent I wasn't expecting.

I really just wanted to say that the posts and your comments from the previous few days have really had my mind working overtime and I had some one-on-one time with the Creator yesterday. It just wasn't about praying. It wasn't me asking for something to be fixed. It was more about 'sharing' my thoughts with him while I was walking my dog. While my body was tired from work, it was nice to take those 20 minutes and forget about the world as a whole and just 'hang out' with God.

I need to do that more often.

An open letter to 'Anonymous'

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for your comments from my previous entry, and I do take them to heart. You made some excellent points towards the end, and I really do indeed try to make an effort these days to think before I speak...I try to speak in a calm and rational manner hoping to get across a certain level of respect and love as you point out. Sometimes I do better than others.

To clarify the context of my birthday present: It wasn't wrapped. My wife actually said if I wanted my gift, it was in the 'trunk of the car' and that I could grab it anytime.

Yes, my wife did indeed get me something I desired, but I believe that my wife waited until that morning when I was away at church to make an 'obligatory' purchase at the last minute, as if it were almost an afterthought. The fact that it was in the trunk, unwrapped, and I was told if I wanted it to go get it just before the phone incident leads me to believe it was last minute purchase.

I could be wrong, but we've been married for almost 5 years now, and I've witnessed my wife do this before with others. Where I do fall short is that you are right,....I guess I did 'expect' a gift which may have been selfish on my behalf. But I guess I also expected it wrapped and presented to me as well, which tends to be the norm for most birthday presents.

Do I think my wife loves me? Yes I do.

Do I think she treats me as a loving husband, her best friend, her chosen mate, for better or for worse? Sometimes yes, more often not as of late. But it wasn't always like this.

Maybe I am a bit over-sensitive and I continue to pray about this quite often. And I pray for my own tolerance, my own heart softening, getting over my own selfishness, my own humility and humbleness, and the condition of my own heart.

I would gladly give up any 'expected' birthday present to have back the woman I married 5 years ago who openly shared with me and treated me as an equal.

Are we the same couple that began dating almost 7 years ago? No. We both believe in God and Christ, but I admit that there was a time in my life I was complacent with the Word and my beliefs. I was the 'band-wagon' Christian who thought if I just put in my hour once a week, tithed a bit here and there, and if I treated people good the majority of the time, I was in the 'club'.

It was only when depression took hold of my life like a cancer, when the Enemy clearly had a foothold in my mind and riddled me with self-doubt, when pills and thoughts of ending it all seemed feasible did I succumb to and 'rediscover' God and Christs love and forgiveness towards me.

I began to realize how prideful I was, how much venom and bitterness I was carrying around, what a scum I really was. I also believe that this period of my life helped push my wife away at times.

Today, while still far from perfect, I also know that the Lord is indeed with me. I want to share that with my wife. I want my wife to grow closer to me again, and vice-versa and I want her to share in Christ's love and word as well. However, (at this time) she does not share the same amount of zeal for God, Christ, or church that I do today. It's a struggle for her to attend church at all. We rarely pray together. Her 'secular' actions and attitudes at times can be heartbreaking and a cause for concern. But I also realize not to long ago, I was acting just like that as well. Drinks and social activities were always at the top of the list. Christ unfairly was always towards the bottom.

Now I slightly going off track here, so I'll try and bring it back about.

I totally I agree that I should be cleaved from my parents, especially from my mom. I am trying not to make excuses for either my mother or myself, but I am an only child and I do feel at times that my parents do indeed care about my welfare moreso than my spouse. That may sound harsh, but that is indeed how I feel at times.

My wife has made it very clear on certain occasions where her priorities lie in life, and sadly through her actions and comments I seem to have been demoted from my original ranking. Now, in defense of my wife, my mother does make it hard at times to lead a normal life. Even at my age, my mother is very over-protective, very stubborn, and does have a tendancy to either butt-in when not wanted, or to droll on and on about trivial matters. There are days when the phone rings, I don't even want to pick up the phone because I cringe at the thought of a 20 minute diatribe of matters than shouldn't be her concern to begin with. That I do understand where my wife's frustration stems from, but my wife is a little less tactful in her responses and respect to my parents.

You made a comment that my wife's anger was 'born out of love'. I hope I don't come across as a smart alleck, but my wife must love me more today than she has ever loved me before. My wife has a tendency to get much more angrier, sarcastic, and haughty than ever before....to the fact I'm not even sure what I'm doing anymore other than breathing. This may sound like a cartoonish exageration, but there are days where a very simple question will set her off. I cannot imagine in 100 years that she would talk to her own mother or father this way, let alone how I, her husband, deserves this scorn.

It is very hard to ignore that anger as you suggest. Is it because we are both Italian? Is it because I still have my 'explosive' moments as well? While at times it may seem to the reader of this blog I am a cowering shell of a man, believe me, it is only through God's grace that I haven't gone postal. I'm a big dude, and prior to my surgeries was very muscular, I even have friends today that say they wouldn't ever think about messing with me. They've seen me mad...both emotionally and physically. Today, while many of my tears come from sadness and fear, I have also shed many a tear because I can't think of another outlet for my anger. Meaning....sometimes I cry because its better than hitting, lest I seriously hurt someone or myself. I channel that deep seated hostility and anger from my fists and my tongue into sobs. While I do understand your suggestion that I may earn more respect and love from her during those tense moments, that is a challenge for me....one I am willing to take, but a challenge none the less.

So Anonyomus (and friends), I know this entry went on and on today.....for that I'm sorry if I lost focus, but Anon....Thank you for your words (I really mean it). I will have to digest them for a bit. I hear what you are saying. I agree with your logic and points, but how to apply them to my situation is a challenge for me.

Botton line: My wife and I are not equally yoked right now. We do love each other...but that love is strained right now because we are unequally yoked. Our priorities today are individual priorities, not those of a married 'couple'. I was an ass and fell away from God and I'm trying to climb that hill again with His help, no longer by myself. I want to climb that hill with my wife, but she tells herself that she is happy where she is at with her priorities, and God is not one of them and I'm not convinced I am either.

Ugh....

I really am at a loss of structured thought today on how to approach this post. I've been meaning to post the last few days, but I think there's been a part of me that has been avoiding it as well. I'm not even positive why I am doing it now, other than the fact its been weighing on my mind the last few days and hasn't been healthy keeping it bottled in.

It was my birthday a few days ago, and by far, it had to be one of the worst birthdays I have ever experienced...to the fact I hope I soon forget about it altogther. So then why write about it? Good question. Maybe so I can help think it out....digest it....get it off my chest....move on...discover something I hadn't considered before? Not sure.

I guess the precursor was the fact that my grandfather wished me happy birthday on the wrong day. In his defense, he is 90 years old, but for the most part has all his faculties, so I was little bummed when he called me up on the wrong day.

My step-daughter never called nor sent a card either. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. That's par for the course.

I also have three close friends who call me every year. This year, one called.

So far nothing to earth shattering, but the day was still early.

Instead of having a nice dinner with my wife and parents, maybe a slice of cake....a series of unscripted and ludicrous pride issues between my mother and my wife erupted in a small scale skirmish of raised voices, tears, and hurtful words from both sides.

All I could do was sit and watch from the middle knowing no matter what side I took, the other side would be hurt and angry. There are very few instances I can ever recall where I find myself in the middle with literally no way out, and I'm not sure how I ever got there in the first place.

Such was my birthday.

I awoke...went to church by myself and enjoyed a brief hour of worship. When I arrived back home, my wife had just gotten up and soon the phone began to ring. I won't go into the details, but lets just leave it at the fact that both my mother and my wife, with decent intentions of their own are both very, very stubborn people and don't like to flinch. It's been this way since day one, very much like like that sitcom with Raymond, though theres no comedic slant here. On more than one occassion, they have both made me feel very uncomfortable, and even my wife throws in the occasional dig "Act you age and stand up." This comment always depresses me. There are times I stand up, more often that I like to. I take control of a lot of situations and am depended on doing things and making decisions for things that I don't feel I need to...but somebody has to. Thats a whole other post in and of itself.

Long story short...my wife and mother got into an epic argument on the phone....on my birthday. If I could have ran away right then and there un-noticed I would have. I wanted to put my head down, close my eyes, and wish this day was over. I wanted to drink (I did sneak some bourbon later).

For a while I was utterly speechless and in awe. Seriously. I was hearing what was going on and I just couldn't fathom this was actually happening.

I broke down.

Here I was, on my birthday, feeling more alone than I had in a long, long time. I cried. I couldn't even open my present from my wife. I just stared at the unopened gift and after witnessing what just transpired, felt absolutely ashamed to open it. Not ashamed because of something I did, but in the spirit of what I just witnessed and was feeling in general, I looked at the gift as given to me out of a feeling of obligation moreso than it was of love for me. As if my wife realized she didn't have anything for me, went to the store when I was at church, and bought it literally at the last moment.

I kept looking at the box more, and then I began to hear my wife say in my head "Grow up" over and over again...and it was said with such conviction and venom, I couldn't enjoy the present.

I let it sit for hours...unopened.

There was no birthday dinner that night. There was no cake. No ice cream. No outing.

I made myself a cold cut sandwich for dinner and went to bed.

What a crappy...crappy....crappy day.

A request for prayer.

Friends,

I humbly come before you to request your prayers, for both the state of my heart and the behaviors of my spouse.

Last night was one of those nights that takes a single episode to help blow out any previous progress I think we have made together.

I received a call last night at 5pm from my wife who said she was going to go out with a co-worker for a 'couple of hours', and that she would call me before she left and see if I wanted her to bring me home dinner.

The first thing that went through my head before I even responded was..."Right...Yet another example of how drinks and cigarettes and social fun take precedence over your husband." But, she did call me and offer dinner and I said 'okay', not wanting to be the bad guy.

Well a 'couple of hours' turned into 6 hours. She arrived home somewhat after 11pm last night, without a single word of explanation. She had clearly been drinking too...not a beer or two, but she was clearly buzzed.

No, I received no phone call, nor any offer of dinner as previously offered. I kinda figured by 8pm I was on my own, so I made myself dinner and spent time with my dog.

I'm not sure if I am angry, hurt, disapointed, or whatever my emotional state is right now. We didn't speak at all this morning. She knew I was in 'deep thought', and of all things to say to me, she asked "Why are you crabby.", in which I responded "I'm not." I didn't want to fight this morning, nor argue. I also don't want to talk to her right now either.

I don't know why, I'd think I'd learn by now, but I'm always astounded on non-chalant her attitude is about her daliances. Maybe I'm off my rocker, but I just think these actions are beyond rude and show no respect towards me at all. This isn't the first time this has happened, and I doubt it would be the last. It's moments like these I wish I was not married at all. I think that sometimes my emotional state and mental health would be much better otherwise. I could tell her how much this hurts me, but I wonder what good it would do? My sife just doesn't 'get it', and I always end up looking like the bad guy....always. There is really something to be said for the saying of entering into a relationship with someone who is "equally yoked." I feel that my wife and I aren't, and I look book over the past 5 years and wonder if we ever were.

Not only does this single incident really bother me, but its the aloof attitude and pattern of these decisions as well. I will hear for days on end as to why she is so tired to walk the dog for 20 minutes, how much work she has, doesn't have time for church, how she never has any time.....and then I see she has ample time to be out 6 hours for drinking and smoking, she has ample time to go bowling 3-4 hours on Mondays,...basically, at least in my eyes.....she always finds the time when alcohol and influential friends are involved, and everything else takes second fiddle.

Yes, I'm venting a bit now, and sorry if I come across as a victim and ramble on. I'm requesting prayer that Christ help change my outlook, give me peace of mind and settle my heart, and continue with forgiveness and understanding. I also ask that prayers be extended to my wife as well, to help her realize this behavior, not just for my sake, but her own safety as well can be destructive. I do love my wife...I'm just not sure I like being married right now.

Be Anxious for Nothing

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4: 6-7)

I'm a bit surprised I haven't had this passage memorized yet.

By some, much wiser and mature in the Word than me, have repeated these verses to me time and time again in the past when I was an emotional zombie.

During my state of flux, I may have nodded my head in agreement, but not really understanding the words spoken to me. With sore eyes, a red nose, and constant fatigue I'm sure I may have agreed to anything others were offering to me at the time. While I was always thankful for their caring words and prayers, I alos know there was a small portion of me that was tired of hearing any 'hullabalou' and just wanted to go to bed and close the door.

I'm approaching my 38th birthday very soon, and the stirring thoughts of emptiness rear their ugly head occassionaly. 38 years of age, married to a person who doesn't share all my beliefs, step-father to a teenage girl who really doesn't acknowledge me, working at a mundane job which is often more tiring than satisfying, in-debt, never been on my honeymoon let alone a vacation in the last 5+ years, and very concerned about the spiritual salvation of most of my family can be very daunting.

Two nights ago I was in the shower, and a wave of sadness washed over me. I began to think of my grandparents and my aunt and uncle(s)...not sure if any of them are saved. I began to think of my wife and her priorities (in which I question where I rank and where God is on her list at times). I began to be feel depressed again about the future....a future in which I am elderly and my parents and blood relatives are long gone. If my wife continues to smoke, I may outlast her as well...that is unless I have a heart attack first. I really fear being alone one day. Oh, I may have neighbors that are friend, I may have people at church who visit, but I'm really facing the fact I am the last of my own blood line.

And I have to read these verses over and over to remind myself....

"Be anxious in nothing ...." ..maybe secular things? The trivial things? Don't sweat the small stuff? Trust God?

"... but in everything ..." salvation? Peace of mind? The big picture? Take one day at a time?

"...by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." We all must remember to do this. Take a step back and put things ito perspective.

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ....You're right, I don't understand, but despretly aware I need this to help calm my spirit and take these negative thoughts away from me. Why worry about the future for things I do not yet know how they will unfold, or if God has a plan for me that hasn't even been put into motion yet.

Words to live by

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - (Isaiah 41:10)

It's one thing to read and understand this verse. It's a totally different thing to actually 'live' it.

I read this verse last Sunday and have been mulling it over in my head almost the entire week, looking for some angle on it to share with you, but I really can't come up with one.

For all intents and purposes, it's pretty straight forward, and really doesn't need an explanation. It seems as if it would be common sense to any believer, but when the chips are down, do we remember these verses and promises in earnest?

Man tends to breaks promises all the time. We even make promises to God.....and we too often break them before long. But can anyone really point out a promise that God has broken towards us? If anything, we as mortals once again are always looking for the fine print, the legal disclaimer, the loop hole. It's as if God's promises are just too good to be true, or the fact we've never encountered someone who hasn't let us down at least once in our lives.

To me, when I read this, I can't tell the type of voice God is using. Is He using His authoritative voice of creator of everything to boldly claim: "Do Not Fear, For I Am With You..." or is God your best friend and in full compassion and love and sincerity does He put His hand upon your shoulder, smile warmly and softly whisper: "Do not fear, for I am with you..."

I'd like to think both are true at the same time. The first a commandment of obeyment and instilling a level of confidence within me. The second, a brotherly hug of security to say we will weather this storm together my child....as always.

The thing though with us is we tend to forget these words and promises in any form. For all the times I worry and get scared, and suffered from panic attacks, I often wonder how many hours of my natural life have I shaved off from fear. When my wife and I fight. When I lost my job. When things began to crumble and there was nothing in 'my' control to shore them back up...I succumbed to paralyzing fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of bills, fear of security robbing me of many months of happiness. These overwhelming fears began to eat me from the inside like a slow cancer.

Loss of sleep, loss of appetite, loss of sanity. Of course these then spilled over into my social life as well....Fear of sharing, fear of pity, fear of intimacy. When these fears begin to prevail, they then take a darker turn. You begin to wonder if your friends and family think are judging you, comparing you, etc. The downward spiral seems as if it is spinning out of control.

I seem to forget the part where God proclaims: "I will strengthen you and help you." But I think this is only true if two conditions are met; 1) We remember to ask God to give us strength and help, and more importantly, 2) We accept with our hearts and place our trust that His words are indeed true, and His promises are unbreakable to us and free of charge.

Mental Images of Encouragment

I heard a very pleasant antedote the other day that I'd like to share with everyone.

Sometimes these little play on ideas and simple descriptions, once they sink in, can make you smile:

It is said that God loves and considers every one of us His precious children. So much so in fact, that if God carried a wallet, He'd have a picture of every single one of us in it, and proudly show us off to anyone who asked.

"Underwood also said such fantasies began about the time he started taking the antidepressant Lexapro. Defense attorneys plan to call witnesses during the penalty phase on his use of the drug."

Above is a direct line from a horrific story here I came across on CNN.com. I'll warn you ahead of time, it is a graphic story that involves a homicide and the details are disturbing.

I've noticed a trend as of late that the news seems to mention the types of antidepressant drugs involved when it comes to notable crimes of this nature. It was only a few weeks ago we learned that the young man who shot and killed students, then took his own life at Virgina Tech was also, as his girlfriend stated: "Off his meds."

While I do indeed believe there is some merit when drawing a correlation between antidpressant drugs and recent news stories, it's also pretty dangerous to draw such correlations as well.

According to the Wikipedia entry on 'Escitalopram' (aka Lexapro), some side effects of Lexapro include nausea, gastrointestinal issues, drowsiness, dizziness, and some sexual side effects. There was no mention of violent tendancies or 'fantasies' as Underwood recounted.

From my own personal experience, I can agree with the gastrointestinal issues, but nausea, dizziness and drowsiness were very mild for me. I didn't suffer any sexual side effects, other than maybe a diminished sex drive. But I was so moody, depressed, angry, bitter, sad, etc....that sex was the last thing on my mind anyway, so I am not to sure if Lexapro affected me in that arena or not.

In a not-so, but somewhat related tangent....did you know that Scientology doesn't allow its cult members to use antidepressants? I've heard similar accounts for Jehovah Witnesses as well, but I'm not 100% positive of that claim or not. I only mention this because I thinks its a bit strange that a few religions don't believe in the use of certain medications or doctors in general, but I argue that God gave man the intelligence and gifted brains to create such modern medicinal miracles. Look at Aspirin as a case in point.

This reminds me of an analogy I once heard. A couple's home town was devestated by a flood, and they found temporary shelter on the roof of their house and began to pray in earnest that they be saved by God. After a day or two, a boat comes along side the house and offers rescue, but the couple rejects it in belief that God will deliver them. Two more days go by and finally a helicopter finds them and drops them a ladder, but again they refuse, stating God will rescue them. Unforunately, the couple dies and they find themselves in heaven and complain to God that they were too young to perish, that they had prayed, and wondered why God had let them perish, abandoning them. God in turn replied, "My children, I did hear you. I am the one who sent you the boat and the helicopter."

So I am digressing a bit here. The point is God has given man the ability to use his hands, skills, talents, and minds for medical purposes....so don't reject them outright because some religious figures say not to, or just pray, and if you have enough faith, then you will be cured. I don't think it works that way.

So back to my original thought....I was very disturbed to read that CNN made it a point to mention the Lexapro tidbit, as if to lead readers to believe this may be the cause of this mans mental state. I believe Mr. Underwood was/is mentally unstable as it is, and they didn't state his history of use. Meaning, did he just start taking it? Was he on and off? What was the dosage? Were other factors involved?

My personal experience was I started with 5mg at first. When I mentioned I didn't feel much different at the end of two weeks, my dosage was adjusted to 10mg. Again, when I was really having a tough time and felt that death was indeed an option, my dosage was upped upped to 20mg a day. I'll be honest...I don't know what the upper limit is on dosages, or what the average dosage is. I suspect it's different for everyone and my 20mg may be enough for me, but not enough, or possibly too much for someone else. But I was also told that I had to take it every day, and could take 5 weeks, maybe more, for my body to accept the drug and regulate, and by missing one day may mess up the whole treatment. I don't know one way or another.

What I do know is that I didn't have any 'fantasies' at all. The exact opposite happened. I just felt numb. I was indeed aware that my emotional controls centers seemed diminished. I was always 'even keel'...not overly angry or sad, but never happy and joyous either. Like my mind was muddled when it came to socializng with others. I could still think and do my job, but interaction with others just seemed off. Jokes weren't funny. Songs didn't have me tapping my feet. But my anger was also gone, as was many of the negative emotions as well. There was no more black or white...just grey, if that makes sense.

So what were these fantasies? Is it possible that Mr. Underwood was 'encouraged' or 'tricked' by one of Satans minions? We live in a corrupt world, and I am making no excuse for Mr. Underwood. He should be held accountable, and receive the appropriate punishement. But I wonder how depression takes so many different forms, and if weak willed people (including myself at times) can be influnced by those who really want to seperate us from God and drive us further into sin and madness...i.e. demonic forces. I believe that a certain seperation from God does allow for certain heinous acts to be carried out easier than if someone did have an inkling of Gods knowledge within oneself.