Day 1/Evening 1: I took a few minutes, in a daze on what just transpired, to gather a few belongings and my dog once again and go back to my parents house. Heck no, if I am going to be asked to leave "my" house that I "solely" paid for, I am for sure taking "my" dog.
I can't even remember the drive back to my parents house that late afternoon. With me, I had taken a few days worth of work clothes, my sweats and a few miscellaneous things.
My stomach was upset so my mom made me a scrambled egg, some cottage cheese, and a few slices of a pear...that was my dinner. I wasn't really in the mood for any type of discussion, but my parents emphasized that they also felt divorce was in my future and that they were now convinced more than ever that after watching my wife's reactions, there was no way she was ever going to admit that she needed help or take responsibility for anything....ever. Better to cut my losses now and move on with my life and try to find happiness, even if it takes a while, than to be continously walking on egg-shells for the remainder of my life, or until my wife wants to get help.
I went to my parents guest bed (a twin no less...ugh) and had a restless night. I slept on and off, (mostly off) and kept playing the events of the day in my head over and over again non-stop. I finally gave up at around 6am, got up and had a nice hot shower and heated up some day old coffee to try and ward off the minor headache I was experiencing. (My parents don't have any aspirin...go figure.).
The weather was a great indicator of my mood and feelings: dark, cold, overcast and about to rain. I contemplated taking the day off, but to what end? Sitting around with my dad all day, moping, sulking, feeling sorry for myself, crying? No..had to go to work despite my state of mind.
Lexapro: check.
Xanax: check.
The day was excruciatingly long. I got a few texts from my daughter, my SIL, my MIL to see how I was doing. Um....shitty. How do you think I'm doing?
My SIL informed me that after I left the intervention, the interventionsist met with (of all people) my neighbor...the one that texted me to say "I don't want anything to do with you anymore." Not sure what I think of this. Why is the neighbor now involved? It was later explained to me that they roped the neighbor into this as a way to get my wife to open up and talk. They thought my wife may feel more comfortable if the neighbor was there.....Well, while I may understand this on the surface....in the end this is MY marriage, and a FAMILY problem...not the nosey neighbor who knows nothing. My wife and neighbor and the interventionsist were supposed to meet on Monday afternoon. Do you understand why I am starting to feel this is now turning into a circus and I absolutely have no control anymore on whats going on?
I read a few bible verses, prayed a bit, and my drive back to my parents home at 5 was long...as it was now pouring rain and would be for the next few hours. I finally got a text from my wife "I am in the next state, made it safe, see you Sunday." That's it.
Watched some TV with my parents and went back to bed at 10pm. I kept thinking..."Again, why am I here and she got to stay at the house? Why is the neighbor involved? What the hell is going on? Why didn't the interventionist call me back like he said he would and tell me how the meeting with the wife and neighbor went?"
So I can return back to my home on Tuesday evening with my dog and spend the remainder of the week alone (my daughter went to stay with her friend for the next few days), in seclusion from my neighbors whom I am sure all think I am a heel by now.
I don't feel any better....at all. This is a shit-storm I find myself in the middle of and not of all my doing.
Next: Tuesday
February 29, 2012
February 28, 2012
The end of a marriage, or a new beginning? (Part II)
Sunday morning seemed to drag on forever.
The meeting was scheduled back at my house at 11am. When I arrived in my car, I saw that my inlaws, my BIL/SIL and for the first time our hired 'gun' standing outside. My parents took their own car and followed me up.
I could see my wife standing in the neighbors driveway a few houses down, and of course a few of my neighbors...people we've shared our home with and 8 years of memory staring back at me. I can only imagine what my wife has been saying to them...so what was to be a family affair has now turned into a public circus. Oh...this is going to go just frickin' splendid. Two of my neighbors walked by a little closer (nosey I'm sure) and one just looked away from me when her eyes met mine. By now I feel ill to my stomach, light-headed, and weak-kneed.
My wife defiantly stepped into the house and stood in the kitchen as the rest of sat around the table. She was not going to sit.
The process is supposed to be open, without negativity, without judgement, without malice and instead warm, loving, cautionary. Well, that's how our interventionist explained it. Clearly, he's never met my wife and didn't know what he was getting into.
My BIL started, followed by my SIL, then my MIL, and I was number 4. It didn't matter what anyone said to her, her eyes were locked onto me....I could only imagine the daggers behind those eyes. I explained that I didn't want a divorce, and I still don't. That I love her, but this drinking a bottle a day, every day, at all hours...coming and going as she pleases is dangerous, disrespectful, not normal behavior...and that she needs help. Her daughter opened up by revealing to us all (something I didn't know) that she was picking her up from work with open containers on numerous occasions.
Well, as you can imagine....no matter how calm and even we kept our voices, my wife flat out rejected the any possibilty that she was an alcoholic. And if she did drink...it was because of me. Yup...here we go.
It was amazing to hear how much she blocked out, forgot, denied and managed to redirect towards me. The whole family recognizes and points out to her that she never takes any responsibility for anything and as I guage the temperature of the room, I can slowly see (that although I have everyone's support) this is about to fail. I am not the cause of ALL of her problems, and in teh end, we all make our own personal decisions...I didn't pour any of these drinks down her throat.
Sure enough. She refused to go to treatment and actually walked out on us all....up to the neighbors I'm sure to bury me in slander. Yup...within minutes a text message from a female neighbor up the street direct to me said "I want nothing to do with you anymore." (*SIGH*)
Great, for sure I've lost a friend in a neighbor who knows nothing of our issues and my ongoing struggle. If that is one neighbors reaction, I can imagine there will be more...and for what reason? Because I want to save my marriage? Because I want my wife to be safe? To clear her own personal demons? After all the years I've helped bail her out financially, took my step-daughter in (not once, but twice), taken her places, always tried to help her....now I'm to be villified and flogged in public because I care and I'm in love.
The most irritating thing of the whole ordeal is yet again, my father in law, the grizzled Marine...just sat silent the whole time not wanting to step-up to his own daughter and allowed for the rest of us squirm and twist in the wind, especially me.
The interventionist, as nice as he was, could not seem to command my wife's attention at all (which I was afraid of) and she blew us all off...including her own mother who was now crying. In retrospect, I knew this was going to be a disaster from the start and sure as spit, somehow, I went along with it and just watched it fail before my eyes.
And get this....of all things, everyone agreed that now I should leave the house for the night!! What?? This is my house...the house I paid for without any money from my wife...from my own savings...with only my name on the title and loan documents....and I'm the one that has to leave?
The initial plan was for her to enter treatment, with the back up that if she refuses, we pack her a few bags and tell her to leave until she can sit down and talk. But instead, now I'm leaving again.....(double sigh)
Next: 1st night.
The meeting was scheduled back at my house at 11am. When I arrived in my car, I saw that my inlaws, my BIL/SIL and for the first time our hired 'gun' standing outside. My parents took their own car and followed me up.
I could see my wife standing in the neighbors driveway a few houses down, and of course a few of my neighbors...people we've shared our home with and 8 years of memory staring back at me. I can only imagine what my wife has been saying to them...so what was to be a family affair has now turned into a public circus. Oh...this is going to go just frickin' splendid. Two of my neighbors walked by a little closer (nosey I'm sure) and one just looked away from me when her eyes met mine. By now I feel ill to my stomach, light-headed, and weak-kneed.
My wife defiantly stepped into the house and stood in the kitchen as the rest of sat around the table. She was not going to sit.
The process is supposed to be open, without negativity, without judgement, without malice and instead warm, loving, cautionary. Well, that's how our interventionist explained it. Clearly, he's never met my wife and didn't know what he was getting into.
My BIL started, followed by my SIL, then my MIL, and I was number 4. It didn't matter what anyone said to her, her eyes were locked onto me....I could only imagine the daggers behind those eyes. I explained that I didn't want a divorce, and I still don't. That I love her, but this drinking a bottle a day, every day, at all hours...coming and going as she pleases is dangerous, disrespectful, not normal behavior...and that she needs help. Her daughter opened up by revealing to us all (something I didn't know) that she was picking her up from work with open containers on numerous occasions.
Well, as you can imagine....no matter how calm and even we kept our voices, my wife flat out rejected the any possibilty that she was an alcoholic. And if she did drink...it was because of me. Yup...here we go.
It was amazing to hear how much she blocked out, forgot, denied and managed to redirect towards me. The whole family recognizes and points out to her that she never takes any responsibility for anything and as I guage the temperature of the room, I can slowly see (that although I have everyone's support) this is about to fail. I am not the cause of ALL of her problems, and in teh end, we all make our own personal decisions...I didn't pour any of these drinks down her throat.
Sure enough. She refused to go to treatment and actually walked out on us all....up to the neighbors I'm sure to bury me in slander. Yup...within minutes a text message from a female neighbor up the street direct to me said "I want nothing to do with you anymore." (*SIGH*)
Great, for sure I've lost a friend in a neighbor who knows nothing of our issues and my ongoing struggle. If that is one neighbors reaction, I can imagine there will be more...and for what reason? Because I want to save my marriage? Because I want my wife to be safe? To clear her own personal demons? After all the years I've helped bail her out financially, took my step-daughter in (not once, but twice), taken her places, always tried to help her....now I'm to be villified and flogged in public because I care and I'm in love.
The most irritating thing of the whole ordeal is yet again, my father in law, the grizzled Marine...just sat silent the whole time not wanting to step-up to his own daughter and allowed for the rest of us squirm and twist in the wind, especially me.
The interventionist, as nice as he was, could not seem to command my wife's attention at all (which I was afraid of) and she blew us all off...including her own mother who was now crying. In retrospect, I knew this was going to be a disaster from the start and sure as spit, somehow, I went along with it and just watched it fail before my eyes.
And get this....of all things, everyone agreed that now I should leave the house for the night!! What?? This is my house...the house I paid for without any money from my wife...from my own savings...with only my name on the title and loan documents....and I'm the one that has to leave?
The initial plan was for her to enter treatment, with the back up that if she refuses, we pack her a few bags and tell her to leave until she can sit down and talk. But instead, now I'm leaving again.....(double sigh)
Next: 1st night.
The end of a marriage, or a new beginning? (Part I)
I don't even know where to begin.
There's not enough prayers or words of encouragement right now that can help fill the gut wrenching, heart-breaking void that is my life.
It seems these past few days a steady diet of Xanax, Lexapro, water, sleepless nights, staring in the mirror, wailing tears, and wondering when/where/what went wrong has brought my marriage to the desolate wasteland that it now appears to be.
The family came together and had the intervention this past Sunday, but it's not the outcome I was hoping for, nor the way I would have started it. Even though my SIL/BIL only have the best of intentions, and really want to help me and my wife they tipped our hat about the "meeting" before I even knew the hour. Of course, my wife felt naturally betrayed by me and places 99% of the blame, vitriol, anger, and venom at my feet without even knowing how events were set in motion. Everyone explained to me that I should expect that, but unless you are in my shoes, with my heart, and my mind, I can't even begin to explain the level of hurt, frustration, pain, and emptiness I feel.
All the hugs, prayers, supportive words, and telling me I did the "right" thing, doesn't make any of this any easier to cope. They say it gets better with time, but I've never been big on cliches and the big looming question mark over my head and the state of where we stand.
It was a family decision to have an intervention, not just mine. And even then, I was wishy-washy, scared, feeling vulnerable, and not really 100% emotionally/mentally prepared. I really wanted to wait one more week, but the Interventionsist seemed to convince everyone else that 'now' was the time, not next week. I personally think it was a mistake that my BIL notified my wife via text message of a "family meeting" on her way to a concert and without telling me first. But he pulled the trigger, and events were set in motion.
My wife was on her way to a concert with her girlfriends. Imagine what the conversation was like that night. In an instant, I became public enemy #1 with her friends, and they don't even know my side of the story.
I was expecting to have a calm night at "my" house....watch a little TV, take a shower, make some dinner, go to bed. Instead, once my SIL informed me that my wife now knew, my heart sank and ice ran through my veins. Oh great, I need to get out of the house lest my wife come home late, inebriated, and start a fight with me.
I packed a change of clothes, grabbed a few toiletries, and my dog and left for my parents house. Sure enough, my phone started to receive not so nice text messages from my wife. I couldn't respond, lest I get sucked in deeper. I turned my phone off and spent the night at my parents...in tears and in fear of why, oh dear God, why am I being put through this?
My wife called my parents at 1:30am and demanded to speak with me. My mother, who answered said "No, he's sleeping and I'm not going to wake him." She called a a few more times and gave up, the whole time we thought she may drive down herself. Thank goodness she didn't.
I spent the remainder of my waking hours praying for strength and comfort and peace...sadly...not much was attained...the whole time I kept thinking "Well, this is it. The beginning of the end of my marriage of 8 years. I don't want a divorce, but for the life of me I can't see how this is going to end on a positive note. Why God? Why?"
Next: D-day
There's not enough prayers or words of encouragement right now that can help fill the gut wrenching, heart-breaking void that is my life.
It seems these past few days a steady diet of Xanax, Lexapro, water, sleepless nights, staring in the mirror, wailing tears, and wondering when/where/what went wrong has brought my marriage to the desolate wasteland that it now appears to be.
The family came together and had the intervention this past Sunday, but it's not the outcome I was hoping for, nor the way I would have started it. Even though my SIL/BIL only have the best of intentions, and really want to help me and my wife they tipped our hat about the "meeting" before I even knew the hour. Of course, my wife felt naturally betrayed by me and places 99% of the blame, vitriol, anger, and venom at my feet without even knowing how events were set in motion. Everyone explained to me that I should expect that, but unless you are in my shoes, with my heart, and my mind, I can't even begin to explain the level of hurt, frustration, pain, and emptiness I feel.
All the hugs, prayers, supportive words, and telling me I did the "right" thing, doesn't make any of this any easier to cope. They say it gets better with time, but I've never been big on cliches and the big looming question mark over my head and the state of where we stand.
It was a family decision to have an intervention, not just mine. And even then, I was wishy-washy, scared, feeling vulnerable, and not really 100% emotionally/mentally prepared. I really wanted to wait one more week, but the Interventionsist seemed to convince everyone else that 'now' was the time, not next week. I personally think it was a mistake that my BIL notified my wife via text message of a "family meeting" on her way to a concert and without telling me first. But he pulled the trigger, and events were set in motion.
My wife was on her way to a concert with her girlfriends. Imagine what the conversation was like that night. In an instant, I became public enemy #1 with her friends, and they don't even know my side of the story.
I was expecting to have a calm night at "my" house....watch a little TV, take a shower, make some dinner, go to bed. Instead, once my SIL informed me that my wife now knew, my heart sank and ice ran through my veins. Oh great, I need to get out of the house lest my wife come home late, inebriated, and start a fight with me.
I packed a change of clothes, grabbed a few toiletries, and my dog and left for my parents house. Sure enough, my phone started to receive not so nice text messages from my wife. I couldn't respond, lest I get sucked in deeper. I turned my phone off and spent the night at my parents...in tears and in fear of why, oh dear God, why am I being put through this?
My wife called my parents at 1:30am and demanded to speak with me. My mother, who answered said "No, he's sleeping and I'm not going to wake him." She called a a few more times and gave up, the whole time we thought she may drive down herself. Thank goodness she didn't.
I spent the remainder of my waking hours praying for strength and comfort and peace...sadly...not much was attained...the whole time I kept thinking "Well, this is it. The beginning of the end of my marriage of 8 years. I don't want a divorce, but for the life of me I can't see how this is going to end on a positive note. Why God? Why?"
Next: D-day
February 23, 2012
All quiet today
Not much to report today.
Met with a lawyer yesterday afternoon to check my options. The only good news that really came out of anything is that since my wife is broke, she wouldn't be able to put up much of a legal fight against me (not that I want that to begin with), and I'd most likely end up with the house.
Bad news is that I may have to pay upto 4 years spousal support in a step-down model, but that's in an extreme case.
More importantly is my dog. I know most people thinks that's crazy, but he is my puppy and my love (albeit he's six years old), and I would fight for him.
Even the lawyer suggested we use an interventionist and recomended that I also seek counsleing at Al-Anon. Probably a good idea, but I just don't have the time or energy right now. Maybe in the coming weeks.
My inlaws have offered to pay a portion of the intervnetion process, but an actual dollar amount has not been officially discussed. At least they are willing.
I took two calls from interventionists today. One seemed very nice, very reasonable, and was willing to work with my budget. I was imprssed by this because she said the ultimate goal was to get my wife help. The downside was she wouldn't be available until March 10th at the earliest.
The second one seemed to take a much more liberal approach and quite honestly I'm not sure I was buying what he was selling (plus he only had 4 years experience) and wanted to treat my wife with kids gloves. No, the whole family has been treating her with kid gloves for years, and she's steamrolled over us. He was ready to go to action this week, but I'm not ready and neither is my father in law. March 10th is two weeks away and I know that ticks my SIL off, so we'll have to negotiate.
We were going to possibly meet as a family today with an interventionist my SIL was going to set up, but since my SIL never contacted me today, I guess thats not happening.
More to come....
Met with a lawyer yesterday afternoon to check my options. The only good news that really came out of anything is that since my wife is broke, she wouldn't be able to put up much of a legal fight against me (not that I want that to begin with), and I'd most likely end up with the house.
Bad news is that I may have to pay upto 4 years spousal support in a step-down model, but that's in an extreme case.
More importantly is my dog. I know most people thinks that's crazy, but he is my puppy and my love (albeit he's six years old), and I would fight for him.
Even the lawyer suggested we use an interventionist and recomended that I also seek counsleing at Al-Anon. Probably a good idea, but I just don't have the time or energy right now. Maybe in the coming weeks.
My inlaws have offered to pay a portion of the intervnetion process, but an actual dollar amount has not been officially discussed. At least they are willing.
I took two calls from interventionists today. One seemed very nice, very reasonable, and was willing to work with my budget. I was imprssed by this because she said the ultimate goal was to get my wife help. The downside was she wouldn't be available until March 10th at the earliest.
The second one seemed to take a much more liberal approach and quite honestly I'm not sure I was buying what he was selling (plus he only had 4 years experience) and wanted to treat my wife with kids gloves. No, the whole family has been treating her with kid gloves for years, and she's steamrolled over us. He was ready to go to action this week, but I'm not ready and neither is my father in law. March 10th is two weeks away and I know that ticks my SIL off, so we'll have to negotiate.
We were going to possibly meet as a family today with an interventionist my SIL was going to set up, but since my SIL never contacted me today, I guess thats not happening.
More to come....
February 22, 2012
Slept last night
For whatever reason, today I feel 'strong'. Not that I can't crack at a moments notice, but today, for some unknown reason, I feel "okay".
Yesterday was a day of phone calls. Trying to find an affordable interventionsist, whose in the area, and meets my SIL/BIL requirements was a tad daunting. I've never had to do this before and it's overwhelming to say the least. It's even more overwheleming and frustrating when you are trying to coordinate phone calls and research with both inlaws and SIL/BIL and then waiting for them to reply with their $.02 and make everyone happy.
I know they mean well, but I am the one footing the bill, and I'm not sure they understand how emotional and stressful this is for me while I maintain my grip on sanity.
I prayed off and on most of the day yesterday, and after each call to a clinic it slowly began to sink into me that this isn't my fault, and that my wife has a problem she cannot control and that I and my daughter are the victims of this. It was also ecouranging to learn how many of these people believe in God, and two of the people I spoke with yesterday finished our calls with a prayer.
My SIL also told me she started a new bible study yesterday at her church and at the end she gave out my name and my wife's name for prayer request, so perhaps my strength today is coming from the Holy Spirit. I just hope I can maintain this strength for the coming days ahead of me.
I got a text message from a friend yesterday (beleive it or not a, recovering alcoholic himself) who met me after work to just talk to me. It was filled with my tears and pain, but that's what I needed right then....a physical shoulder to cry on and to vent and to listen. Human contact and interaction.....not via phone or email or text messages....but someone I could look in their eyes and who would look back at me. Thank you Lord.
Anyway, got home at 6:45pm, took a hot shower and my wife actually made me a pretty decent dinner (although having her Margarita while she made it). At 9:45 I could not keep my eyes open any longer and went to bed at 10pm. I was surprised that my wife came to bed as well just minutes later. She usually stays up until much later. No contact between us, but I fell right asleep and didn't get up until 6:30 this morning. Boy, I really needed that.
I told my wife goodbye, gave her a kiss (....yes, I did....) and left for work. My dad called again today on my way to work and I was glad. It's weird, but anotehr thing I am so thankful for....my dad and I have a closer relationship these days than we did when I was growing up. He told me he was concerned for my health and my mental well being....something that made me melt inside a bit...I haven't heard him say that for a long time. He says he's been praying for me hourly and knows that I am doing everything in my power, and if it fails, it's not my fault....my wife just doesn't want to change.
I took a Clonzapam with me today, just in case....but so far, I haven't had to take it. Here's to hoping that tonight will be just as calm on the home front and give me a bit to emotionally recharge and God willing, get another night of awesome sleep and remember to turn this whole thing over to God and put my trust in Him.
Yesterday was a day of phone calls. Trying to find an affordable interventionsist, whose in the area, and meets my SIL/BIL requirements was a tad daunting. I've never had to do this before and it's overwhelming to say the least. It's even more overwheleming and frustrating when you are trying to coordinate phone calls and research with both inlaws and SIL/BIL and then waiting for them to reply with their $.02 and make everyone happy.
I know they mean well, but I am the one footing the bill, and I'm not sure they understand how emotional and stressful this is for me while I maintain my grip on sanity.
I prayed off and on most of the day yesterday, and after each call to a clinic it slowly began to sink into me that this isn't my fault, and that my wife has a problem she cannot control and that I and my daughter are the victims of this. It was also ecouranging to learn how many of these people believe in God, and two of the people I spoke with yesterday finished our calls with a prayer.
My SIL also told me she started a new bible study yesterday at her church and at the end she gave out my name and my wife's name for prayer request, so perhaps my strength today is coming from the Holy Spirit. I just hope I can maintain this strength for the coming days ahead of me.
I got a text message from a friend yesterday (beleive it or not a, recovering alcoholic himself) who met me after work to just talk to me. It was filled with my tears and pain, but that's what I needed right then....a physical shoulder to cry on and to vent and to listen. Human contact and interaction.....not via phone or email or text messages....but someone I could look in their eyes and who would look back at me. Thank you Lord.
Anyway, got home at 6:45pm, took a hot shower and my wife actually made me a pretty decent dinner (although having her Margarita while she made it). At 9:45 I could not keep my eyes open any longer and went to bed at 10pm. I was surprised that my wife came to bed as well just minutes later. She usually stays up until much later. No contact between us, but I fell right asleep and didn't get up until 6:30 this morning. Boy, I really needed that.
I told my wife goodbye, gave her a kiss (....yes, I did....) and left for work. My dad called again today on my way to work and I was glad. It's weird, but anotehr thing I am so thankful for....my dad and I have a closer relationship these days than we did when I was growing up. He told me he was concerned for my health and my mental well being....something that made me melt inside a bit...I haven't heard him say that for a long time. He says he's been praying for me hourly and knows that I am doing everything in my power, and if it fails, it's not my fault....my wife just doesn't want to change.
I took a Clonzapam with me today, just in case....but so far, I haven't had to take it. Here's to hoping that tonight will be just as calm on the home front and give me a bit to emotionally recharge and God willing, get another night of awesome sleep and remember to turn this whole thing over to God and put my trust in Him.
February 20, 2012
The last 60 hours.
It's 9am and I've already been on the phone with my father once this morning at 7:45...just wanting to hear his voice and his encouragement. He says he supports me 100%, has been praying daily for both me and my wife, but understands that the bandaid must be "ripped" off soon.
He recognizes that there only seems to be two outcomes: 1) My wife breaks down and gets professional help, or 2) My marriage is over.....but as he pointed out...the choice is really all hers. I've done everything I could have possibly done these last few months, giving her opportunity after opportunity, after opportunity to make her own choices and take her priorities seriously...and instead she has chosen to hit the bottle.
Friday night when I came home the neighbors invited me and my wife out for sushi. I was dead tired being up close to 40 hours straight at that point, but I agreed and dinner was okay. My wife surprised me by actually paying for my portion, but I did have to suffer one or two cheap shots from her at dinner. I noticed that everyone at our table drank water (5 of us) except my wife who had to have a half carafe of hot sake (she was No 6 BTW).
When we made it home, I took a hot shower and was in bed by 8:30pm, and slept all the way through until 6:15am Saturday morning when I rousted myself up for my men's support group at church.
My BIL/SIL called me Saturday afternoon as I was walking the dog and we had a 45 minute conversation. I was strong through most of it, gaining their total support, although I did get choked up one or twice. They requested that I get a professional counsler to the intervention as well (of course, at my expense) to help guide the day, make sure we all stay on track, and I suppose to also make sure cooler heads prevail. After some initial thoughts, I tended to agree, and now I'm tasked today (Monday) to find one and try to figure out schedules. Ugh...more pressure and more of this landing at my feet.
Later Saturday afternoon my neighbors (another set) and my wife an I went out for the afternoon, food tasting and bought goodies home for us all to continue in the backyard while I BBQ. It was the first time in weeks that I didn't think about our "situation", and the first time I felt some peace in days. While I will give my wife credit for being cordial and nice to me this weekend, there was no affection between us. Maybe I'm the only one who noticed, but she treated me more like her friend than a husband. A roommate, not a soul mate.
Sunday morning I went to church, then the gym, and when I came home I had a few minutes alone with my step-daughter. She told me that she had called her grandparents (my inlaws) and she said she explained to them that she thinks her mom does have a drinking issue, drinks 1-2 bottles a day, and has driven while under the influence on rare occasions. She also told them about their fight the previous week in which I had to intervene.
If anything right now I'm so proud of her and happy that even my step-daughter is standing up and taking notice and being honest with the family. I'm not in this alone, although I still feel I have the most to lose.
Later yesterday afternoon, yet a third neighbor asked me to hang out with him...to get him out of the house and he'd buy me lunch. He did, and I admit I had two beers....Then my wife texted me to say she got more BBQ stuff fro me to cook and told me to come home with him to make dinner for him and his wife. We did and it was fine, although no interaction between my wife and I except cordial conversation. Soon they left, and my wife and I watched "Once upon a time." on opposite ends of the couch. When it was over at 9pm I went to bed...we didn't say anything to each other.
At 3:30am this morning, I woke up, my spirit heavy...or was it stress? I prayed for a bit, fell back asleep, got up at 6:30 and got ready for work....and left. Yet another morning where I left without saying "Goodbye" or giving her a kiss on the forehead as I've done for years.
Right now....I feel...."even", although an hour ago I was uptight, scared, ansty, mad, and just overall frustrated with the situation. She has bowling tonight...yet another $50 night for her, someone who has no money and no job, but I'm okay with that. I need the peace and quiet for the coming storm that is rapidly approaching....
God, Lord....Father....Please give me strength to stay focused, be strong, be firm, yet be loving and at peace.
He recognizes that there only seems to be two outcomes: 1) My wife breaks down and gets professional help, or 2) My marriage is over.....but as he pointed out...the choice is really all hers. I've done everything I could have possibly done these last few months, giving her opportunity after opportunity, after opportunity to make her own choices and take her priorities seriously...and instead she has chosen to hit the bottle.
Friday night when I came home the neighbors invited me and my wife out for sushi. I was dead tired being up close to 40 hours straight at that point, but I agreed and dinner was okay. My wife surprised me by actually paying for my portion, but I did have to suffer one or two cheap shots from her at dinner. I noticed that everyone at our table drank water (5 of us) except my wife who had to have a half carafe of hot sake (she was No 6 BTW).
When we made it home, I took a hot shower and was in bed by 8:30pm, and slept all the way through until 6:15am Saturday morning when I rousted myself up for my men's support group at church.
My BIL/SIL called me Saturday afternoon as I was walking the dog and we had a 45 minute conversation. I was strong through most of it, gaining their total support, although I did get choked up one or twice. They requested that I get a professional counsler to the intervention as well (of course, at my expense) to help guide the day, make sure we all stay on track, and I suppose to also make sure cooler heads prevail. After some initial thoughts, I tended to agree, and now I'm tasked today (Monday) to find one and try to figure out schedules. Ugh...more pressure and more of this landing at my feet.
Later Saturday afternoon my neighbors (another set) and my wife an I went out for the afternoon, food tasting and bought goodies home for us all to continue in the backyard while I BBQ. It was the first time in weeks that I didn't think about our "situation", and the first time I felt some peace in days. While I will give my wife credit for being cordial and nice to me this weekend, there was no affection between us. Maybe I'm the only one who noticed, but she treated me more like her friend than a husband. A roommate, not a soul mate.
Sunday morning I went to church, then the gym, and when I came home I had a few minutes alone with my step-daughter. She told me that she had called her grandparents (my inlaws) and she said she explained to them that she thinks her mom does have a drinking issue, drinks 1-2 bottles a day, and has driven while under the influence on rare occasions. She also told them about their fight the previous week in which I had to intervene.
If anything right now I'm so proud of her and happy that even my step-daughter is standing up and taking notice and being honest with the family. I'm not in this alone, although I still feel I have the most to lose.
Later yesterday afternoon, yet a third neighbor asked me to hang out with him...to get him out of the house and he'd buy me lunch. He did, and I admit I had two beers....Then my wife texted me to say she got more BBQ stuff fro me to cook and told me to come home with him to make dinner for him and his wife. We did and it was fine, although no interaction between my wife and I except cordial conversation. Soon they left, and my wife and I watched "Once upon a time." on opposite ends of the couch. When it was over at 9pm I went to bed...we didn't say anything to each other.
At 3:30am this morning, I woke up, my spirit heavy...or was it stress? I prayed for a bit, fell back asleep, got up at 6:30 and got ready for work....and left. Yet another morning where I left without saying "Goodbye" or giving her a kiss on the forehead as I've done for years.
Right now....I feel...."even", although an hour ago I was uptight, scared, ansty, mad, and just overall frustrated with the situation. She has bowling tonight...yet another $50 night for her, someone who has no money and no job, but I'm okay with that. I need the peace and quiet for the coming storm that is rapidly approaching....
God, Lord....Father....Please give me strength to stay focused, be strong, be firm, yet be loving and at peace.
February 17, 2012
To intervene, or not to intervene (part 2)
Today is a bear.
I didn't sleep at all last night and now I'm cranky and irritable and feel like I'm bubbling under the surface.
I hate waiting.
I'm waiting for my SIL to cooridinate the next steps. She and my BIL are supposed to meet with my inlaws sometime later this afternoon, or early evening and I seem to be in an emotional holding pattern.
Last night, I was on the receiving end of yet another rehashed 1 hour and 15 minute venting from my wife. Of course most of it was directed to me and about me, but there was a sprinkling of her daughter, her 1st ex-husband, and random other participants that have somehow wronged her in a way in which she feels is why she is where she is now....miserable.
I sat and listened....quietly...I've heard it all before....multiple times. The tune doesn't change, just the day and the hour. Somewhere around 45 minutes into I half tuned out. I wasn't about to get mad, scream back, do something stupid that could be used against me. I just grinned and bared it and pretended this will all be over soon enough.
After 8 years of marriage I realize when it is absolutely pointless and fruitless for me to respond. Just best let her vent, and let herself repeat adnaseum...as if the first 10 times she yelled about something it didn't sink in or I didn't hear.
But somewhere last night (at least I say that now) I mentally hit both an emotional and mental wall of sorts, and realized that this is never going to change, not until she wants to change herself and get help. I'm done.
I have to worry about my own mental health, and state of being. I have to worry about being able to focus on my job, and be able to sleep and be healthy. I cannot do that with her random behaviors that everyone recognizes except herself.
Whereas yesterday I was scared of losing my wife, of admitting my marriage is over, thinking about divorce is a sin in God's eyes, and afraid of the eventual confrontation that somehow is destiny......now I just want the day to come where she makes her choice and I can move on.
I emailed my SIL this morning and said, "lets get this thing going"....if I have to wait anylonger I'm going to go mad. If she is going to chose not to get help, to be angry at me, and then leave...lets just rip the bandaid and let the healing begin. Next month I'm 42, and despite battling this depression and mental fatigue, I'm still a young and good looking guy, and maybe I can start over with someone this time in which I am equally-yoked.
I'll cut this one short here.....I have more to say, more to express, but I need to clear my head a bit and take a breather....
I didn't sleep at all last night and now I'm cranky and irritable and feel like I'm bubbling under the surface.
I hate waiting.
I'm waiting for my SIL to cooridinate the next steps. She and my BIL are supposed to meet with my inlaws sometime later this afternoon, or early evening and I seem to be in an emotional holding pattern.
Last night, I was on the receiving end of yet another rehashed 1 hour and 15 minute venting from my wife. Of course most of it was directed to me and about me, but there was a sprinkling of her daughter, her 1st ex-husband, and random other participants that have somehow wronged her in a way in which she feels is why she is where she is now....miserable.
I sat and listened....quietly...I've heard it all before....multiple times. The tune doesn't change, just the day and the hour. Somewhere around 45 minutes into I half tuned out. I wasn't about to get mad, scream back, do something stupid that could be used against me. I just grinned and bared it and pretended this will all be over soon enough.
After 8 years of marriage I realize when it is absolutely pointless and fruitless for me to respond. Just best let her vent, and let herself repeat adnaseum...as if the first 10 times she yelled about something it didn't sink in or I didn't hear.
But somewhere last night (at least I say that now) I mentally hit both an emotional and mental wall of sorts, and realized that this is never going to change, not until she wants to change herself and get help. I'm done.
I have to worry about my own mental health, and state of being. I have to worry about being able to focus on my job, and be able to sleep and be healthy. I cannot do that with her random behaviors that everyone recognizes except herself.
Whereas yesterday I was scared of losing my wife, of admitting my marriage is over, thinking about divorce is a sin in God's eyes, and afraid of the eventual confrontation that somehow is destiny......now I just want the day to come where she makes her choice and I can move on.
I emailed my SIL this morning and said, "lets get this thing going"....if I have to wait anylonger I'm going to go mad. If she is going to chose not to get help, to be angry at me, and then leave...lets just rip the bandaid and let the healing begin. Next month I'm 42, and despite battling this depression and mental fatigue, I'm still a young and good looking guy, and maybe I can start over with someone this time in which I am equally-yoked.
I'll cut this one short here.....I have more to say, more to express, but I need to clear my head a bit and take a breather....
February 16, 2012
To intervene, or not to intervene. (Part I)
Anonymous asked me a question based on my last post wondering if I am stressed or relieved that my family (actually her side...they actually requested that my own parents do not participate) wishes to have an intervention with my wife regarding her drinking.
It's a complicated answer in which I've had very little time to digest the whole situation and feel that somehow this decision is out of my hands.
A bit of background first:
It's a complicated answer in which I've had very little time to digest the whole situation and feel that somehow this decision is out of my hands.
A bit of background first:
- My wife had a terrible first marriage that did not end on good terms.
- My wife can be emotionally stubborn and proud, and finds it very hard to admit her weaknesses, let alone when she is wrong or the ability to say 'sorry'.
- Her relationship with her daughter is tenous at best.
- You've probably realized (if you've been reading me for any amount of time), that our relationship is also tenous, at best. Some good days...some bad days.
- My wife has been out of a job for 10 months now, and gave up looking about 3 months ago.
- My wife does not regularly attend church, nor has a desire too.
There are other points as well, including the ones I bring to the table, but suffice to say I think whereas I can admit my demons, my shortcomings, my faults...my wife is in complete denial of her own. And now that she doesn't work, this has 'enabled' her to hit the bottle a bit more than normal as a form of 'escape', although I'm sure like most functional alcoholics, she will completely deny that.
As far as the intervention goes, yes, I'm both stressed and feeling releived at the same time. I just want it over so I can figure out on how to move on, one way or another.
However, it seems (not that I'm faulting her) that my SIL is full steam ahead on this and kinda took charge. We spoke the other day about my wifes Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde personality, and the next thing I knew (less than 24 hours later) was that her family wants to have an intervention, and soon.
My wife does indeed need help and needs to be confronted, but I can't help but feel this is all going to blow back on me and perceived by her as all my doing. In fact, I just wanted my SIL to talk to my wife about getting her butt in gear and start looking for a job since when I bring it up at home, it generally starts an argument.
I asked for the support of my SIL/BIL and inlaws to sit and talk with her in the coming weeks to see what her 'plan', if any, was. To 'strongly' encourage her to go back to school, or start looking for a job again. The drinking was mentioned and my SIL and MIL agreed that my wife has a drinking problem (so do I). My step-daughter asked for the intervention.
Wham-o.
I get a call saying we need to get together soon and I should rehab numbers ready. This is all a lot to digest while I am at work and can't actually talk to anyone.
To be continued.....
Drugs make me tired, or is it more?
Since I started yet another regime of mood stablizers, anti-anxiety medication, and cholesterol meds, I have been more tired than usual as of late.
But I wonder how much is due to the drugs, and how much is due to me just being emotionally tired.
The last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. Some good days, some bad. There have been days of secret tears, and other days of public laughter. Though God requests us not worry about the future, I fully admit (as I have many times before) that this is an issue I struggle with. I give it up to the Lord, and eventually take it all back, wondering why my prayers aren't heard and what is this whole "in His time" thing mean?
Yesterday it rained and by the time I got home I was cold and a bit hungry. My wife who stayed home all day had made nothing, so I made myself a can of soup. We didn't speak much yesterday when I got home, and to be honest I was quite okay with that.
I went to bed at 9pm and tried to watch some TV but my eyes were heavy and by 9:45 I gave up. The next thing I knew it was 3:30 and my wife had grabbed her blanket and pillow and went downstairs. I imagine my snoring was keeping her from sleep and I have no idea what time she went to bed. Nor did I care. I fell back asleep at about 3:40 and was fine until 6:30 when she made her presence known by flopping back in our bed (I'm sure trying to wake me up and let me know she was frustrated from her lack of sleep...she's like that...I'm not).
I finally arose at 6:45am and had my two cups of coffee.
It is now 9am and I swear, I could go back to sleep right now. I know that the side effects of these drugs are drowsiness, and I can tell the Lexapro is starting to kick in. My thoughts are focused one minute, then a slight haze the next.
I did receive a text msg from my SIL yesterday afternoon. She said she was planning on talking to her mother sometime around or just after 4pm, but I haven't heard anything yet.
Tonight, my wife and I are still supposed to go out to dinner. At least she acknowledged that this morning as I left and reminded her we have reservations at 8pm. I'm attempting to salvage Valentine's Day, although I don't have much hope. Just need to make it through the next 80 hours or so until Sunday night.
I have a feeling this is the calm before the storm.
But I wonder how much is due to the drugs, and how much is due to me just being emotionally tired.
The last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. Some good days, some bad. There have been days of secret tears, and other days of public laughter. Though God requests us not worry about the future, I fully admit (as I have many times before) that this is an issue I struggle with. I give it up to the Lord, and eventually take it all back, wondering why my prayers aren't heard and what is this whole "in His time" thing mean?
Yesterday it rained and by the time I got home I was cold and a bit hungry. My wife who stayed home all day had made nothing, so I made myself a can of soup. We didn't speak much yesterday when I got home, and to be honest I was quite okay with that.
I went to bed at 9pm and tried to watch some TV but my eyes were heavy and by 9:45 I gave up. The next thing I knew it was 3:30 and my wife had grabbed her blanket and pillow and went downstairs. I imagine my snoring was keeping her from sleep and I have no idea what time she went to bed. Nor did I care. I fell back asleep at about 3:40 and was fine until 6:30 when she made her presence known by flopping back in our bed (I'm sure trying to wake me up and let me know she was frustrated from her lack of sleep...she's like that...I'm not).
I finally arose at 6:45am and had my two cups of coffee.
It is now 9am and I swear, I could go back to sleep right now. I know that the side effects of these drugs are drowsiness, and I can tell the Lexapro is starting to kick in. My thoughts are focused one minute, then a slight haze the next.
I did receive a text msg from my SIL yesterday afternoon. She said she was planning on talking to her mother sometime around or just after 4pm, but I haven't heard anything yet.
Tonight, my wife and I are still supposed to go out to dinner. At least she acknowledged that this morning as I left and reminded her we have reservations at 8pm. I'm attempting to salvage Valentine's Day, although I don't have much hope. Just need to make it through the next 80 hours or so until Sunday night.
I have a feeling this is the calm before the storm.
February 15, 2012
Slightly Empowered
Yeah, this is the second post of the day. Not exactly sure what this means other than I'm a bit antsy this afternoon.
Spoke to my sister-in-law today at length and she revealed some things to me about my wife and also believes that my wife in in need of both therapy and rehab. I'm not exactly sure why her family keeps dancing about around on eggshells regarding her drinking. Probably the same reason I do....she can be a BEAR when confronted about her drinking and no one wants to take her on by herself. The thing is, I at least admit it up front. I think they know it as well, but have a slightly harder time deciding who is going to take the first step, or any step for that matter.
Maybe it's the Lexapro talking right now, but after our talk, I had a little more confidence into taking matters into my own hands. That is to day, standing up for myself and putting myself first. Lord knows my wife doesn't. She makes sure she is first, as reiterated by my SIL.
When does one stop caring? For me it fluctuates. I'm honest to say right this second I feel brave, but ask me again in two hours or tomorrow, and I might be singing another tune.
We still have tentative plans for tomorrow evening and supposedly Saturday afternoon, so I just have to make it through the next 96 hours or so. Sunday can't get here soon enough, and I have to figure out what I/we are going to do.
I stare at the clock right now and I have 70 minutes left at work. Then I have a 30 minute commute after that. So in approx 100 I get to enter my domain of 'bliss' (*sarcasm).
Right now I just don't give a crap.
As my SIL just said "How can it get any worse?"
True dat.
Spoke to my sister-in-law today at length and she revealed some things to me about my wife and also believes that my wife in in need of both therapy and rehab. I'm not exactly sure why her family keeps dancing about around on eggshells regarding her drinking. Probably the same reason I do....she can be a BEAR when confronted about her drinking and no one wants to take her on by herself. The thing is, I at least admit it up front. I think they know it as well, but have a slightly harder time deciding who is going to take the first step, or any step for that matter.
Maybe it's the Lexapro talking right now, but after our talk, I had a little more confidence into taking matters into my own hands. That is to day, standing up for myself and putting myself first. Lord knows my wife doesn't. She makes sure she is first, as reiterated by my SIL.
When does one stop caring? For me it fluctuates. I'm honest to say right this second I feel brave, but ask me again in two hours or tomorrow, and I might be singing another tune.
We still have tentative plans for tomorrow evening and supposedly Saturday afternoon, so I just have to make it through the next 96 hours or so. Sunday can't get here soon enough, and I have to figure out what I/we are going to do.
I stare at the clock right now and I have 70 minutes left at work. Then I have a 30 minute commute after that. So in approx 100 I get to enter my domain of 'bliss' (*sarcasm).
Right now I just don't give a crap.
As my SIL just said "How can it get any worse?"
True dat.
When pain turns to anger
Straight up: I had a physical last week. New doctor. My vision is 20/15 (pretty good for 41). My blood pressure is still a bit elevated (stress I assume), and we had a talk about depression.
I'm on a new cycle of 20mg Lexapro. Also taking .25mg of Xanax for anxiety attacks when they happen----usually a discomfort in my chest, like a knot, with a little trouble of breathing and sometimes cotton mouth.
I've been getting a lot of support from my parents, my in-laws, my sister-in-law, and my church. I am not getting any support from my wife....you know, the person who can do no wrong...ever.
Yesterday was Valentines day.
I bought my wife her favorite flowers: Tulips. I bought her two cards as well, one sweet, one a bit 'randy'. I also wrote her a note exclaiming that after 8 years I am indeed still in love with her.
None of these were acknowledges. In fact, I did not receive a card in return.
Last week she told me she loved me...twice.
Last night she accused me of hiding something on my computer. It turned out to be a IP address in my history that was password protected. When I showed her it was for our wireless router and gave her the password so she could check it out herself, I received no apology.
Another Valentines day ruined and in the trash.
To her it's about trust.
I broke her trust sometime back and have since apologized with all my heart at least 100 times if not more. Okay, I admit...during some lonely times I surfed some adult material on the web...and tried to cover it up...and got caught. I have learned my lesson and know this is not pleasing to God or my wife. She said she could forgive me for the indescretion, but not the cover up.
I understand that and have taken full responsibilty and have repented 100 times as well. I went as far as to come clean to my parents, my in-laws, my church, and my BIL/SIL. They have all forgiven me. Christ has forgiven.
My wife has not.
I understand that trust has been broken. That I brought this on myself. But I am human. I make stupid mistakes. We make stupid mistakes. She makes stupid mistakes...and I forgive her. I ask for forgiveness as much as I deal it out.
But this happened some time ago. And just last week, things were fine. So why yesterday, of all days, did all this have to be dredged up yet again...to be thrown in my face...again. To be reminded that her trust is broken and I'm not worthy.
I have spent weeks, months, years in tears for one reason or another....asking God to intervene in my marriage. And nothing. Nothing but my constant heartache, pain, unfocused days, and sleepless nights.
Last night I got angry. How long is long enough? How many times must I apologize for the past? 100? 1000? 10,000? I have been paying penance forever, and continue to do so. But last night I told her I was hiding nothing....and that was the truth...but she spent 45 minutes trying to uncover something that wasn't there to begin with. What happened to that love she claimed she had for me 1 week ago?
So today I'm angry. Not lose-it-out-of-control-anger, but anger that she will not get over this and she cannot forgive me. Her heart is hardened, like Pharoah.
I am reaching the end of my rope. I know I have said that before and last time I was so close to seeing a lawyer. I need a fresh start. A do-over. A person who can love me despite my faults and with teh ability to forgive and move on......not to constantly berate me and hit me over the head at random times and rehash the past so that no wounds will ever heal.
God...I scream..."Where are you?"
I'm on a new cycle of 20mg Lexapro. Also taking .25mg of Xanax for anxiety attacks when they happen----usually a discomfort in my chest, like a knot, with a little trouble of breathing and sometimes cotton mouth.
I've been getting a lot of support from my parents, my in-laws, my sister-in-law, and my church. I am not getting any support from my wife....you know, the person who can do no wrong...ever.
Yesterday was Valentines day.
I bought my wife her favorite flowers: Tulips. I bought her two cards as well, one sweet, one a bit 'randy'. I also wrote her a note exclaiming that after 8 years I am indeed still in love with her.
None of these were acknowledges. In fact, I did not receive a card in return.
Last week she told me she loved me...twice.
Last night she accused me of hiding something on my computer. It turned out to be a IP address in my history that was password protected. When I showed her it was for our wireless router and gave her the password so she could check it out herself, I received no apology.
Another Valentines day ruined and in the trash.
To her it's about trust.
I broke her trust sometime back and have since apologized with all my heart at least 100 times if not more. Okay, I admit...during some lonely times I surfed some adult material on the web...and tried to cover it up...and got caught. I have learned my lesson and know this is not pleasing to God or my wife. She said she could forgive me for the indescretion, but not the cover up.
I understand that and have taken full responsibilty and have repented 100 times as well. I went as far as to come clean to my parents, my in-laws, my church, and my BIL/SIL. They have all forgiven me. Christ has forgiven.
My wife has not.
I understand that trust has been broken. That I brought this on myself. But I am human. I make stupid mistakes. We make stupid mistakes. She makes stupid mistakes...and I forgive her. I ask for forgiveness as much as I deal it out.
But this happened some time ago. And just last week, things were fine. So why yesterday, of all days, did all this have to be dredged up yet again...to be thrown in my face...again. To be reminded that her trust is broken and I'm not worthy.
I have spent weeks, months, years in tears for one reason or another....asking God to intervene in my marriage. And nothing. Nothing but my constant heartache, pain, unfocused days, and sleepless nights.
Last night I got angry. How long is long enough? How many times must I apologize for the past? 100? 1000? 10,000? I have been paying penance forever, and continue to do so. But last night I told her I was hiding nothing....and that was the truth...but she spent 45 minutes trying to uncover something that wasn't there to begin with. What happened to that love she claimed she had for me 1 week ago?
So today I'm angry. Not lose-it-out-of-control-anger, but anger that she will not get over this and she cannot forgive me. Her heart is hardened, like Pharoah.
I am reaching the end of my rope. I know I have said that before and last time I was so close to seeing a lawyer. I need a fresh start. A do-over. A person who can love me despite my faults and with teh ability to forgive and move on......not to constantly berate me and hit me over the head at random times and rehash the past so that no wounds will ever heal.
God...I scream..."Where are you?"
February 07, 2012
Questions of faith.
"Strive to trust ME in more and more areas of your life. Anything
that tends to make you anxious is a growth opportunity. Instead of running
away from these challenges, embrace them, eager to gain all the blessings I have
hidden in the difficulties. If you beleive that I am sovereign over every
aspect of yoru life, it is possible to trust Me in all situations. Don't
waste energy regretting the way things are or thinking about what might have been. Start at the present moment -- accepting things esactly as they
are -- and search for My way in the midst of those circumstances." (Jesus
Calling by Sarah Young)
That's my problem God... No matter how much I try not to, I do waste energy regretting the way things ought to have been according to me. I know your plan isn't necessarily my plan, but you know my heart, and my heart aches. From an early age you blessed me with a great mind...a mind that could think outside the box. A creative mind with a great immagination. I had visions early on on what my life was going to be like: A happy marriage, A loving wife, beautiful kids.
Yet somewhere down the line, I must have blinked, because none of those visions came true. No...somewhere my thoughts went astray. I became plagued with self-doubt, confusion, queations of faith. The doctors said I am prone to depression, that my brain doesn't make enough of the chemicals it should be. Not enough seratonin or endorphins or whatever.
My wife once said I was 'broken' and I needed to be 'fixed'. At first I thought she was just saying things to say them in the heat of the moment, but now.....I'm not so sure. Maybe I am just this side of 'clinical'. Maybe I am indeed on the precipice of functional.
Lord, I literally cry out and weep to you. Give me strength. I don't care about the cliches of You will only give me as much as I can handle. Don't you get it God? I don't want to handle anymore. I want a break. I want some peace. I want to wake up and be joyful for this day you made....but I'm not.
I tried the Lexapro. I tried the Cimbalta. I tried therapy. I tried prayer. I tried to give it all to you, to lighten the load, but somewhere along the line I failed. I took it back, or maybe I never gave it to you to begin with. I don't even know anymore. It's all so hazy.
I made an appointment to see a Dr. this Friday morning. I need different medications, or a stronger dose. I'm depressed Lord....You know this to be true.
Why does the scripture "To die is to gain." keep echoing in my head. Satan, is that you? Are you really stalking me at every single corner, or is my mind becoming so feable in some aspects, I can't identify anylonger whose got their hands in what anymore?
When does my life become fun again?
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