Changes and witnessing

For those that are stopping by and wondered what happened to the subdued green palette here before, I thought it was time for a little change.

I wanted a little color, something that was a little bit more upbeat. I like the fact that Blogger has some new picture inspired templates, and the background picture you see here was out of their stock section. Why this picture? Well, I love the southwest. I may not always enjoy 100+ degree temperatures, but I love the mystery and isolation of a beautiful desert. The way these barrel cactus's stand for 100+ years in complete solitude and weather the elements has some symbology buried somewhere in their about me.

There was another picture as well or a beautiful blue sky with billowy clouds that I liked as well, but this one won out...just barely.

Not sure if I'll keep the format as it stands right now. I may play with a few of the colors and fonts before I settle on a finalized look, so bare with me if you notice a few minor changes over the next few weeks.

Okay, back to the present.....I didn't do too much this weekend. We stayed in both Friday and Saturday nights which I guess is a good thing from a financial standpoint. It may not be good from a diet standpoint as neither one of us was in the mood to cook, so my wife ordered a pizza in which I only ate about 4 slices. I was also happy and surprised she took a rare interest in a video game I was playing. It's called 'Alan Wake' and it's a very unique, story-driven, game with interesting writing and very realistic graphics. Normally she's not into my games, but this one plays like a movie, and she got sucked in and was genuinely interested.

Saturday morning I went to my men's bible study, then the gym, then to the butcher to buy my hog casing and back fat to make sausage. When I was there, I met an interesting dude who was a bit salty in his language, but he invited me over to his house to give me some elk sausage he had flown in from Alaska. Now I know this sounds terribly weird and possibly dangerous and may raise a yellow flag with most people, but I just left the gym and I was looking big and this guy was older but he truly seemed authentic to me (though I did call my wife from cell phone....just in case). His place was only about 2 miles from the butcher shop and in a pretty public area so I agreed. I never stepped in his house and he was kind enough to bring me out a few pounds of sausage....gave me his card....and said in the coming weeks he'd be smoking some salmon (my favorite) and said he'd like for me to come back over and even bring my wife. We'll see, but so far he seems harmless enough. There may be an opportunity down the road to witness to him, but it just didn't feel right for me to bring it up, but through his conversation with me he offered up that he was divorced and despite his jovial demeanor towards me, I could sense some confusion and bitterness underneath.

Speaking of witnessing, I had a long lost cousin contact me yesterday. I won't go into all the details on what brought us to our first conversation in almost 7-8 years yesterday, but it seemed like a miracle to me. He's my second cousin, is quite a few years older than me (I believe he's in his late 50's), live is San Fransisco and gay.

I don't know exactly what happened in the past, nor do I want to know, nor is it my business, but parts of my family have written my parents (and by proxy...me) because we're Christian. I think in their mind they picture or stereotype all Christians as these right-wing fanatics who are intolerant and preach hate in regards to sexual identity.

I finally had the chance to set the record straight with him yesterday, and I could just tell he was so relieved and a great burden was lifted off his shoulders. I calmly told him that I was sorry he and others felt that way, but they never bothered to try and talk to me...to find out my viewpoints, my thoughts, my concerns, instead they let CNN and Al Franken define who I was instead.

I think he was surprised to learn my best friend in college was gay, that he stood in my wedding party. He was even more surprised to learn that I don't believe being gay is a one way ticket to hell.

Being a Christian is a relationship between you and God. We are not supposed to judge others, and the only way to heaven in through Him, not me, not politics, not a pastor, not tithing, and not just good works. I told him we'll be very surprised by who we see and who we don't see in heaven, that WE ALL fall short if only by the grace of God. No one is better than someone else, and there is no mention of sexuality in heaven. Sexuality is an issue here on earth and quite frankly I think once we die and are in heaven, sex in the 'carnal' sense no longer has any meaning. Of course I don't know this for fact, but there's nothing I've read in the new testament that describes husbands and wives and procreation in heaven.

I don't want this entry to be about gay versus straight. It's not. It's about a family member who carried around with him a lot of pent up frustration over the years on hear-say and came to false conclusions and separation based on perceived ideology...not actually talking to someone. I think after we spoke for nearly 40 minutes, he realized that my walk with Christ is not fire and brimstone. I told him Christ hung out with thieves, liars, prostitutes, the lowly of society....not the rich and pompous and elite do-gooders. I told him I have my own struggles...with depression and sin, and had thoughts of anger and bitterness as well, that just because I'm Christina, it didn't stop me from being human. I told him (not in great detail) of my struggles in marriage and that I still swear when I'm mad, and I still have drinks here and there.

It really opened his eyes and he promised to contact me again in the future. By no means am I a theologian, nor can I quote bible scripture of the top of my head, but looking back, all the events that led him to call me is nothing short of a blessing from God and I'm so thankful for the opportunity to be open and not condemning.

Brief Check-in

A bit of a small entry today....basically I'm bored to death.

Our work is very slow this week. Calls are considerably down and a current re-re-review of our departmental budget has basically handcuffed my manager from making any progress whatsoever on any planned projects. Looks like we're all twiddling our thumbs which sucks because it makes for very long days. This is day number three in whcih we are all more or less staring at each other praying that the phone rings to give us something to do.

My wife told me she wants to play softball on Wed. nights now with a few of her friends at work. I really don't know how I feel about this. On one hand I look at it as just another night we're not together, her spending money we don't have, and possibly another excuse for her to have a drink mid-week now. The flip-side is I have the house to myself one extra night and not bothered where I could possibly work on my trains in peace, that she may be getting some exercise. To give her an ounce of credit, she did ask me if I wanted to play, but I think only really because they are desperate for people...I think as it stands they are short a few people for a whole team. And softball/baseball just isn't my thing.

My weigh-in this morning has me in at 225 on the nose, or down a total of 12 pounds. I can now tuck my shirt in my pants without trying to hide a little ponch, and now a few co-workers have noticed and said I look thinner in the face.

It is day two without my step-daughter, and I feel good. I did look in her vacant room today and noticed that even though I asked her a half a dozen times to make it spotless, and she promised me and assured me it would be....alas it's not. Clumps of 1/2 attempted piles of swept up debris in various spots. It's like she got distracted 1/2 way through, couldn't find a dustpan or the vacuum, so she just left it for us. It figures....and it's exactly what I expected and it pisses me off. I mentioned it to my wife this morning and she said "Well, it's as good as it gets for her." (Translation on how I understand it: Just another excuse and enablement from my wife to let her daughter do a half-assed job and no repercussions or responsibility.) This means I will clean it this weekend, if not tonight, and throw out anything left behind. I guess it makes me mad because I really feel my step-daughter took complete advantage of willingness to put her up when her dad kicked her out, and she has zero respect for me, my very lenient rules, and my house. No, I'm thinking I don't really miss her afterall and I will learn to relax more over time and feel comfortable in my own house. That room will be mine for my trains or storage....I don't care what my wife says.

Yeah, I sound a little cranky today. The last two nights I've been suffering some erratic sleep patterns and some disturbing dreams....bordering on full fledged nightmares. Anyway, I felt a little agitated this morning, slightly anxious, but nothing I can narrow it down to as the 'root' cause.

Still thinking about missing church this last weekend and feel guilty. However, unsure if the guilt is justified or not. Am I feeling guilty because I'm conditioned to believe that 2-3 hours a week are 'required' to be in God's grace, like it needs to be my works that grant me salvation, or, is my spirit really that hungry, and the restless sleep and nightmares a condition of the Enemy creeping in. And why do I analyze my personal theology and faith so much. I have OCD when it comes to my personal walk with Christ.

Knowing Christ and God and the Holy Spirit is supposed to be a blessing. Sometimes I feel like I'm completely under the microscope and that I am not worthy of Thier free gifts, and I'm trying to 'earn' my salvation. I know that's a big HUGE "No-No", but my mind gets the better of my heart more often than I would like to admit.

I think I may have to crack the New Testament later for some words of strength and encouragement.

Taking it Back - an update (part III)

It's been another 5 days since my last update and I have a hodge-podge of small blurbs regarding both my resolution and other thinsg in general:

Resolution wise (Taking it Back):

• I've lost approx 11 pounds in the last 22 days from hitting the gym, riding the bike, lifting weights, eating better, and cutting back on alcohol consumption. (Going tonight as a matter of fact)
• I've been actively trying to organize a 4 day camping trip at a nice oasis about 90 miles from our home and getting some freinds involved. It started out pretty good, but since no one wants to commit to an actual day, it's kinda up in the air....but I tried.
• I bought some replacement sausage stuffing tubes via Amazon and they were delivered yesterday. I hope to get back into home made sausage making again in the coming weeks and have a tasting BBQ shortly thereafter.
• I went to a model railroad train convention this past weekend and bought myself a train and some supplies. I look to start buying some wood within the next month after I clean up my office and begin construction on the basic frame for a train layout.
• I told my wife I am attending a party for a friend of mine on Feb 18th. She is welcome to come with me, and I'd like her to attend, but I'm going one way or another and that's that.
• I found a 10-year old dog I want to support at a shelter in a different state. If I was closer, I would have lobbied to adopt her myself. Dogs continue to touch my hear like no other thing has done in the last 5 years.

Other stuff:

• My step-daughter moved out of the house yesterday for the foreseeable future. I understand as a parent that my wife has mixed emotions (as do I), but when I woke up this morning, I already noted that a emotional burden seemed to be off my shoulders. This topic and event alone deserves it's very own post and I'll get to that soon in the coming days.
• I've been struggling a bit with a personal issue that weighs on my mind a lot as of late, and perhaps that's why I didn't go to church this past weekend. My walk with the Lord and my selfish thoughts are at war. Then enemy is trying to poke at a weakness of mine, and I'm stumbling a bit.
• My work has been very slow this whole week thus far and it's been a struggle for me to get super motivated. In other words, I'm bored beyond belief.
• I'm med-free right now. No anti-depressents, and I feel just fine. Perhaps going back to the gym and getting my adrenaline and endorphines up along with this 'Taking it Back' attitude may have really helped my mental outlook.
• A friend, 15+ years ifromthe past has located me and wrote me an email. I'm a little hesitant to acknowledge him and write back. It was a long time ago, and people grow up and change, but he hurt me and I'm not sure I want to re-experience the past. I don't know what to do just yet. I take my friendships (and loyalty) very seriously...and I want to forgive him, but it's hard right now.
• My wife's and mine sex-life runs hot/cold. One minute I so want to....the next it just seems like a hassle and chore. She only seems to get in the mood when drinking. This may change with the step-daughter now gone. Time will tell.
• I feel the need to purge crap from my garage this weekend.

Taking it Back - an update (part II)

Shortly after that party (see part I - yesterday's post) I really started to want to make some changes, and hopefully make them stick this time. I think we all say that from time to time, and eventually a brief hiccup or trip in a pattern eventually leads to two, then three, and before you know all progress is lost and we're all back to square one.



Pretty much like all New Years Resolutions. I think everyone can agree that they know someone, if not themselves, that make lofty proclomations on December 31st, and some two weeks later, 50% or more have already abandoned them.



I have a theory about all that. Aside from the obvious machismo bragging and alcohol induced blustering we all do on Dec. 31st regarding clean slates and starting over, I think the main problem is that most people, (and I've been guilty of this myself) make too lofty a set of goals. We are most likely doomed to fail because we shoot for the stars and believe we can give it the 'ole 150% effort to make these radical changes, but deep down inside, if we are honest with ourselves, we just don't have the willpower. We say, we'll start tomorrow, or the day after next, or even next week. When we approach those new lines in the sand, we tend to re-draw them yet again, extending them out even further. We say (and try to justify to ourselves), "Well, what's one more day?"



But we end up saying that more often than we would like to admit.



So this year, mentally armed with my new mantra of "Taking it all Back", I set some more realistic goals, smaller in scale. I wrote them down on a piece of paper somewhat like a bucket list. Now I may not accomplish 'all' of these things, but I'll be happy if I at least attempt some of them. 'Attempting' and not completing is much better that 'Never attempting' and then give up.



So, to share a bit of my bucket list with you may also help you get a better understanding of me and also helps myself take a personal account and sense of responsibility towards all this.

• Lose 21 lbs by mid March (2.5 months) and get down to my wedding weight of 215.


• Go camping with some friends sometime this year.


• Build a 4' x 8' wood framed layout for my model train hobby and begin to set up in the spare bedroom.


• Reduce our (both my wife's and mine) overall CC debt by 25%.


• Restart some of my lost hobbies like brewing beer and making homemade sausage and then throw a fun BBQ this summer and invite people I want to invite.


• Volunteer at an animal shelter and make a difference for abandoned pets.


• Pray to, and be more Thankful towards God more often.


• Try to let go of the past, relax, and spend more time doing things I want to do for myself and not worry if my wife or anyone else is involved or not.

This is just a taste, and some of these things may morph into other things not yet known, but it's a start. It's realistic. And I'll feel good if I attempted most of these.

More on these later and how I'm doing thus far.

(To be continued....)

Taking It Back - an update (part I)

Gosh, I just realized it been almost a month since my last post and I can't believe that time has flown already. I could have sworn I posted my thoughts regarding the changes I wanted to make for the New Year, but apparently I didn't.

The last few weeks of 2010, I was starting to get a bug up my butt about my life. As the days wore on I started to think back over various situations, personal events, emotional ups and downs, relationships, etc.

I kept circling back to a predominant thought: I was getting depressed and irritated over many things I couldn't control, and in some cases allowed them to get the better of me. I realized I wasn't in control, nor was I doing anything to gain that control back. Not that I need people to start answering to me per-se, but I was becoming more aware that I was becoming complacent, and that perhaps some of my 'issues', whether trivial or bigger in nature, were issues because I allowed them to be issues. I allowed them to dominate my mind instead of shrugging them off. I was, to a certain extent, choosing to be unhappy because I didn't pick myself up by the bootstraps.

Perhaps in some peoples mind, maybe even my wife's, I was becoming the weak man by essentially rolling over and taking it on the chin the majority of the time.

I'm not exactly sure what triggered me to start re-thinking things, but I became somewhat motivated to make some changes, and I knew that I had to do it, that I couldn't wait for anyone else (except God....but He's been a bit silent lately) to make those changes for me.

It started with a phrase that kind of morphed into a mantra for myself: "Taking it Back."

I'm not one for the Tony Robbin's school of positive thinking and I don't have wacky motivational posters or self help books lying about. There's no 'primal scream camp' or 'walking over coals' seminar I'm going to anytime soon. It was just the simple fact of questioning myself "Why can't I take my life back?" "Why can't I take my happiness back?" What is preventing me? The answer was staring me in the mirror....I was the one in the end of preventing myself from doing anything. I needed to both understand and take responsibility for that.

It actually started before Christmas. My wife and I got invited to a party from a friend of mine and I was excited to go because there were going to be some of my friends there that I hadn't seen in years. It was like a mini class reunion, and my wife and I discussed this and we both agreed to go weeks in advance.

With only a few days prior to the party, my wife's parents called up and said they too were 'attending' a party of a family friend of theirs (no relationship to me, blood or otherwise), and it just happened to fall on the same evening. Well, with only 3 days notice I explained to my wife I was not, in fact, going, I had made a commitment to my friends party, and her parents attend this same exact function every year. I can't help that they waited until the last minute to let us know, and I've been to their 'party' for the last 7 years. And I'm not exaggerating when I say if you've been to one, you've been to them all. They are always the same: Costco meat and cheese platter, pot of peas and mushrooms, soda in cans, grocery store bought cookies and 40 people standing around a house that only accommodates 20 and the same exact stories crop up every year.

My wife played it off because deep down I think she really though when it came to that day, I would end up go to her party. Well, that day came and when she asked me why I wasn't getting ready, I told her "I'm not going. I've already have had plans to attend the other one as you know for the last three weeks, not three days." She said her father (my father-in-law), would be upset. I replied, "I doubt it. Plue I already told him I was not going and he didn't say anything." (BTW: I had talked to him once before, and he secretely told me he could care less for this event as well. He just goes becasue he has nothing else to do.)

Needless to say she was surprised,....then pissed,.... and then gave me the silent treatment for the next 2 days. But you know what?...... for the first time in ages....I didn't care!

She was going to punish me by not talking to me? Okay. She was going to walk around the house, pouting? Okay. She's the one walking around in a cloud of self-anger...not me. I was totally fine with my decision and it didn't bother me and the guilt trip she was trying to apply wasn't taking hold. I think that's what made her even more mad...that I wasn't being affected...and once she figured out that the only person walking around with a dark cloud over her head was herself, she magically forgave me and pretended nothing happened by the 3rd day. See,....I didn't get sucked into trying to appease and apologize, or to 'smooth things over' with her. I wasn't wrong to begin with and hadn't done anything wrong, just asserted myself for the first time in years.

Now if her party was any other time, I would have gone, as it's not that big of a deal to me. I was just determined not to sweat it this time and show a weakness in my emotions.

And that's when the changes started.

(to be continued...)