A Little Cranky

I'm kinda glad I'm back to work this week, and it will be a short week at well since our company is shutting down Friday for the Holiday.

I accidentally skipped 2 days of my Lexapro. I forgot Friday, remembered Saturday, and then forgot again on Sunday. Thank goodness I remembered this morning, albeit I am super tired. I had a problem sleeping last night, so of course I took an Ambien at 12:30am and had a heck of a time waking back up at 7am this morning. I already have pounded two cups of coffee to jolt me awake, but I have a feeling I'm going to suffer later today.

So I'm not sure if the skipping of the drugs has thrown me off a bit, but I've been feeling a bit frustrated and slightly agitated the last few days. It could also be the heat. We had a surprise heat wave this weekend. We went from cloudy and overcast June gloom, to about 90+ both days over the weekend. Even used the air conditioned for the first time last night this summer.

I didn't go to my men's bible study on Saturday morning, nor did I go to service on Sunday. I'm feeling a tad guilty this morning. I really should have gone to help feed and perhaps minister to my spirit. I just had so many chores this weekend at the house, it never even felt like I had any time off. All the typical: yard work (a lot) , groceries, cooking, laundry, walk the dog, shopping, gym, cleaning the house. I was exhausted, and for what ever reason I couldn't sleep last night.

I'm really looking forward to this three day weekend, and the following week when we go out of town for a few days..

I think I may just cancel my Tuesday therapy session this week. I just need a break. All I want to do is go home, sit in my backyard where it is cool in the late afternoon and read a book and not be bothered by anyone.

My step-daughter is also with us for the next 11 days, and it only took about a day before I found her once again getting under my skin. I'm really trying to be grown up about it, but she's seventeen going on eighteen, and still as lazy as ever. You can barely get her to do anything that doesn't involve the TV unless you ask her, and at this point I don't feel like I should ask her to do anything like clean up her room, load the dishwasher, take out the trash. Yeah, those things seem petty, but we do this every single time. She loves her Spongebob Squarepants and just about everything else idiotic and way too immature fro her age. My wife gets a little perturbed at me when I try and make an excuse to relocate somewhere else in the house, and I do feel bad, but sometimes I just can't take the inane questions and behavior she displays.

Man, I know. This whole entry makes me sound a bit bitter. Well, I'm not gonna lie and say I haven't been a irritated. I really don't know why. I also know this short week at work is gonna be long. It's already started. My phone has been ringing off the hook, and it's like everyone forgot their brain today. A real test of my character and patience today.

Speechless?

No, not really....There is a lot going on, but I can't say anything earth shattering that really needs to be at the forefront.

My wife and I have been going to counseling now together for three straight weeks which is a miracle in and of itself, seeing that she really never wanted to go. When we go, she is still fairly reserved and quiet and I always wlak in determined not to get emotional, to talk a little less, to really say what's on my mind.

Well, I've been emotional at every session so far, I tend to ramble on or talk the most as I've indicated my wife is still pretty guarded, and I never feel like I get to expose the bigger issues....the conversation gets side tracked, or we 'test' the waters without ever jumping in.

There are days I wonder if the couseling really is helping or not. In one way it is...I do get to vent a little bit with someone else in the room who tends to be a moderator and we leave tehre without a blow-up. Some of the things my wife does say blows me away, but it has helped me rethink a few of my own actions, and I suppose that can't all be bad.

To her credit, my wife and her attitude and actions towards me has improved. Things aren't perfect, nor do I claim to be a prince who does no wrong, but she is indeed a different person than she was a few months ago. That being said, she still harbors a lot of anger to her mother, sister, and still has issues with her daughter and my mother as well (but the relationship with my mom and her seem to be improving).

My wife still doesn't attend church with me, and I'll be honest, the last few weeks, my heart hasn't been in it either. I do go to Saturday morning men's bible study, and I will pray and read throughout the week, but the service itself.....if I could just have the service, and not the singing before and after, I'd be much happier. I'm just not a singer and I find myself critiquing the songs and lyrics instead of enjoying them for what they are.

We will have my stepdaughter starting today for the next 11 days as her dad will be out of town. Speaking of which, my feeling were a little hurt this Sunday when my step-daughter, for three years in a row now, failed to wish me a happy fathers day. Sigh.

We were all at a family gathering yesterday for my father-in-laws birthday, and my step daughter was there as well. I honestly don't knos what triggered it, but at one point my wife did ask me what was wrong and I told her that "Here we are again...and no mention of Father's Day". My wife marched off and must have said something to my stepdaughter because about 2 minutes later she came trudging out, hugged me and said 'Happy belated Fathers Day.' Yeah, nice....no way she could have figured that out on her own, she had to be told to tell me, so it wasn't really from the heart. It really didn't help matters when my neighbors came by to tell us that there own pregnancy is going well, that they are having twins, a boy and a girl. Don't get me wrong....I'm very happy for them, but it just depresses me. I have a step daughter in which I try and try, and she could just care less. Needless to say, it will be an interesting 11 days.

Then in about two weeks, July 11th, my wife and I and my best friend and his wife are going out for a 3 day get-away. I'm really looking forward to it. To get away from work, the house, and hopefully spend some quality time with my wife. And to be with my best friend. Is that bad that I am actually more excited that he and his wife are going with me than my spouse? Funny thing is my friend is an atheist, and he knows I'm a devaout Chritian, yet we get along like two peas in a pod. I also get to test out my new camera as well.

My regime of Lexapro is still on....I've been taking my pills daily now for about 5 weeks I figure. My body has adjusted as I am feeling certain emotions, heck, like I said I've been getting a little emotional at therapy, but otherwise I feel fine...maybe a littel tired from time to time, but I suppose all the chemicals in my head are playing nicely together.

The biggest excitement of the day today is going out to an Indian buffet for lunch (I love tandori and tikka foods), and most likely playing golf tonight on my video game console.

Joint session tonight

My wife has agreed to our first joint marriage therapy session this evening, and for the first time in weeks, I'm not sure what to tyhink about it or what even to talk about.

We've been getting along better the last few weeks, better than we have been in a long time, but far from perfect.

I don't believe she knows I'm on what I like to call my 'Happy Pills, i.e. Lexapro. As I've said before, the medication makes me very tired and if anything my wife has noticed I am having a harder time getting up in the mornings and am going to bed earlier in the evenings. The afternoons are the worst. Usually somehwere between 2pm and 3pm, I know if I went to lay down somewhere, I'd most likely fall alseep or take a nap.

So, since the mild intervention that happened almost 2 months ago, today will be the first time we're back in front of the therapist...and while I think I have a lot to say, I'm really hoping the therapist will take charge and pose much more questions to my wife than to me. Not that I don't think that I am absolved of putting forth additional effort right now....its just I'm a little hesitant to say anything lest I 'rock the boat', or start a journey down a constructive and critical path I may pay for later with my wife's behavioral response or sarcastic words.

Do I want to talk about the drinking? Yes. About her lack of communication and backwards priorities? Yes. The disfunctional way her relationship with her daughter, parents, and sister are going? Yes... But I'm also afraid to open a can of worms.....I just want peace and quiet, so I'm not real inspired to lead the charge tonight. I want to be the observer, listener, and responder this time.

3+ weeks of Lexapro

Thank you Jamie for the last comments you left here and apologies for not updating sooner.

Before I talk about the Lexapro, I'm sad to say that the pastor that married my wife and I and who was a huge factor in me becoming a christian passed about a week and a half ago. It was prostate cancer that could have been dealt with early on if he'd gone to regular checkups, but didn't. By the time they caught it, it was advanced enough that it was too late to do anything.

I am indeed sad by this news, however, I'm not as sad as I think I should be, and I suppose that has to do with the Lexapro. It's hard to describe, but I am fully aware that the medication has indeed 'kicked' in and my highs and lows are minimized. The best way I can describe it is that while I can in fact foucs on things right now, I seem to be somewhat incapable of super multi-tasking. That means that I can usually juggle a 1/2 dozen thoughts or tasks at any given time without much concentration, but now it seems as if I can only do 2-3 at any moment and my focus and concentration has to be slightly more intense.

The best analogy I can come up with is that lets say without Lexapro my field of vision on events is almost 180 degrees and you can pick up things in the peripheral. Now that I am medicated again, my overall visionhas condensed to a smaller but more focused field of view, say 60 degrees of everything in front of me. Much of the peripheral 'noise' is gone or at least un-noticed.

I still haven't told my wife that I'm on the drugs, but I did share the news with my therapist and some of my mens bible study group. And even before I told them, they all said that seem to be more relaxed, cheery, and able to crack a smile for the first time in months. My therapist said that I seemed less intense and more relaxed that I had in the past, so apparently it smust be working to some degree.

While my emotions do feel a little less intense overall, it hasn't done too much for my patience and I have still been able to get angry at some bone-headed decions at work. So I'm definetly not perfect or did a complete about face with my emotions.

Two other side effects I've noticed as well: 1) libido & 2) fatigue.

On the libido front of course I still have carnal desires and thoughts. Those have not gone away, but let's say certain 'performance' issues have occured where it takes me much longer to, um, 'finish', and that's all I'll say about that.

Fatigue is the big one though: I am much more tired than before and usually don't have much problem falling asleep at night. But I seem to get tired and exhausted throughout the day moreso than ever. I can easily go out to my car at lunch at nap, or fall asleep sitting on the couch watching TV. Getting up in the morning takes a bit more effort as well, and I catch myself yawning much more. I've alos noticed that alcohol really intensfies the drowsy sensation. If I have a beer or two, it really makes me tired and ready for bed.

But I suppose it's good enough trade....I haven't had any anti-anxiety meds in almost 3 weeks where as I was popping them every other day. Family, friends, and co-workers have all said I'm a bit more 'chipper', and I know I don't have obsessive thoughts like before. This has also helped my marriage out as well.....at the very least we are getting along much better than before, although we don't agree on everything...and probably never will. It's much easier for me to walk away from the snarky remarks or incidents that would push my buttons.