Tough 24 hours

The last 24 hours has been a bit sing-songy as far as how I feel.

My wife has been quiet, not texting or calling anyone in the last 30 hours that I am aware of. I'm not sure if that means she has herself given up on trying to contact me, giving me some time to cool down, or maybe trying to figure out who leaked what and trying to cover her tracks.

Either way, the silence and not knowing 100% the truth anymore is just eating me up inside.

I hurt so much right now.

I know time will heal things and get me over the hump....eventually.

I didn't fall asleep right away last night. It was closer to 11pm before I even turned the lights out, and that was with the aid of a sleeping pill. Got up at 5:30 and noticed how quiet the house is. I also feel bad for my dog. Thank goodness my father came by yesterday and took him for a nice long walk. He's been a bit more antsy than usual. I'm sure he misses my wife.....and my daughter. He went from having someone around the house all day long to being by himself for upto 10 hours a day during the week if my dad doesn't come by at least once or twice a week.

I try to take him for long walks myself when I get home, enjoying his company when and where I can, but between my prayers, I find my mind wandering over and over past scenarios and events. The majority of my thoughts these last few years on our history have not been kind.

I think of how many times she has put herself first. How many times she came home drunk, late, or embarassed me or others. How many of my birthday's and other special events she pooh-poed when it was my family, or her daughter, but how many things in her life, her fun, she made a priority. How I always came in second or third place.

How many credit cards were maxed out. How many calls from the bank looking for her. How many bounced checks and late fees we paid because of her, but she still managed to find money for her bowling. How many Christmas presents she failed to get her family over the years. How many times she let her daughter down. How many times I have heard her swear at everyone for every problem, but never once take responsibility for any part she may have played. How many times she disrespected my mother. How little effort she put into finding a job this past year when offers were made to her that she thought she was above. How very few times she went to church because sleep was more important. How many times she never invited any family to our house over the years, but always had her enablers over. How many times she got her way, and to hell with what anyone else wanted to do.

The list can go on and on.

I'm having very few positive thoughts about her over the last few years.

But then deep down inside, I ache. I think I still love her....but I have no idea why.

I really am that co-dependant.

Speaking of which, I just finished the audio version of the book "Codependant No More"...and I'm going to listen to it again. I need that daily affirmation right now. I need to hear the symptoms, and struggles, and pain of others to understand and recognize what I am feeling is not abnormal. That I am not alone in this. That I will get through it.

I cried this morning.

And for the first time in over two weeks (maybe closer to three) I took a Xanax this morning.

I am trying to center myself. Trying to calmly count to 10 in my head and be aware of my heart rate, my breathing, my tension....and trying to relax. And then I note the ball of fury in my chest, the rage throbing in my temples, the keen knowledge that I can take my 210 lb frame with all strength behind my arms and my chest and do some serious damage to somebody or something....but for what? Violence....screaming at her....at him....will not solve anything. Will not change anything. When I'm done, she's still an alcoholic. She still ran away. She is still irresponsible. She is still possibly having an affair of the heart. She is still leaving me to pay the bills she incurred. She still lied to me, her daughter, her friends, her family, our neighbors. She tried to cover things up and got caught.

I texted a friend of mine this morning. I asked him to go to dinner with me tonight. He said yes, so I won't be alone, at least for a couple of hours.

I also never thought I'd look so forward to Celebrate Recovery this Friday either. Just to be around other men suffering from similar issues that I can identify with me.

Nervously calm

I have a strange feeling ovr my body today.

Although I am calm, I have an underlying feeling of anxiety in my chest today. The events of the last few days have made me so tired, that I finally couldn't stay awake any longer last night and hit the sheets at 9:30pm.

Barring from getting up once to use the restroom in the middle of the night, I more or less slept until 6:30am today.

My wife texted me numerous times yesterday, pleading for me to call her. After a few ignores, I responded to a text "You crushed me." in reference to the alleged affair. She called me, and I ignored the call. Her texts then turned somewhat ugly, and then finally admitted she did indeed go to a city back in January and lied to me and her daughter, but she denies meeting anyone there or having an affair.

I really don't believe for one second she drove 4 hours by herself, and then stayed by herself for 2 days. Remember, she was unemeployed at the time (and still is). She asked friends to cover for her. If she has nothing to hide, then why go through all this trouble.

She then texted she went to see a therapist. Awesome. so you go one time after kicking and screaming and denying and lying, and I am supposed to be impressed?

She then called me a second time last night at 6:30pm begging for me to call her.

Are you kidding me?

You have put me, your daughter, your family, and 1/2 your friends on ice the last 26 days, only texting when you feel like it, and now you want to talk on the phone? Hmmmm...coincidence that you found out I know about a possible 'alleged' affair and you're now calling me?

I'm busy today at work, which is a good thing. Idle time, leads to an idle mind, which is my own worst enemy. As "Anon" pointed out yesterday, it doesn't really matter anymore. The wheels are in motion. You will be served sometime this week if and when the process server can track you down.

Again, thanks for stiffing me on the taxes that you owe and I had to pay today on your behalf just to keep my name and credit clear of the IRS. Thanks for lying to me and your daughter and your family about your whereabouts back in January.

I so want to talk to you, but am afraid to because my mind and heart are torn. I still love you, but I refuse to be kicked down anymore. I love you, but your behavior disgusts me. I want to scream and yell, but what does that change? You are damaged and don't even know it. I'm so mad at you, but then again, you are sick...the alcohol has changed you and it's a disease and you are looking at the world from a lost point of view. I feel sorry for you.

An 'affair' of the heart.

.....

Just when you think the bottom can't fall out anymore that it already has, a blind-sided surprise has managed to rip the rug out from underneath me and send me into a dizzying spiral of depression.

The problem is right now I cannot be 100% positive of the validity of this information, however, 2 seperate people who don't know each other and live in completely different geographic regions have very similar stories and time frames for said events. Coupled with my wife's strange behavior and something she packed when she left, leads credence to this 'story', or at the very least points in the direction of it being true.

One of my wife's friends called me late Friday afternoon and said she could no longer cover up for my wife. That in the past week, having been married twice herself, could not bare to hear how crappy I've been treated and felt the need to share something with me....that my wife is possibly having an affair, dating back to January, weeks before the intervention. The gentlemen in question is quite possibly an ex-boyfriend from years ago who is also currently married and has two children of his own.

I asked why she was telling me this now, and the friend explained that she knows what it's like to be cheated on, and is having a hard time continuing to cover up for my wife. Apparently back in January, my wife told me, our daughter, and her family that she was going away for a girls weekend in which nobody thought any differently. In reality this 'girls weekend' didn't happen at all. Instead my wife told her girlfriend to 'cover for her' and if anyone were to ask, that they hung out and to be careful what she posts on Facebook. Why? Because my wife was spending the next few days elsewhere and didn't want anyone, especially me or any member of the family to find out. Most likely with this male companion.

Ice ran through my viens as I heard this and I broke down. Boy did I break down. I never thought I could cry like that, but I did. It was so bad, my neighbor came over to see what was wrong, and in my frazzled state I blurted it out, without knowing the extent of the details or if it was even true.

It just so happens my SIL called me as well and I shared this with her and my BIL, and they said they suspected something as well, but weren't 100% sure themselves, but my wife leaving to where she did and when sounded a little fishy. They just never said anything to me to protect my feelings in case they were wrong.

On Sunday I walked to a neighbors house. A young woman who lives alone but had befriended my wife about 6 months ago. I put her on the spot and asked her if she knew anything. She said she was wondering why my wife's car has been gone lately, and why my wife hasn't been returning her texts or emails. The neighbor said that indeed my wife was receiving and responding to texts from a man back in January. The neighbor said she confronted my wife about it and told my wife she should not be doing this, it will lead to danger, and heartbreak, and more. But the neighbor said she suspected something was up as well.

These two seperate women who don't know each other mentioned another man, around January, who lives in the same area as my wife is now 'visiting'.

You can imagine that I did not sleep at all.

I also have a bleeding ulcer or something. My toilet has been pooling with bright red blood the last day, and after countless hours of crying and pain I am numb. I actually took a brief nap in my car today at lunch I am so tired.

And then to make matters worse, the one neighbor who discovered my crying on Friday night told his wife, who in turn told their neighbor, who in turn (yet again) texted my wife and called her on this.

I haven't spoke to my wife at all in days now, but I received a bevy of frantic texts from her late Saturday begging me to contact her. She denies all this. She denies having an affair. Says it's utter B.S. But why would someone call me out of the blue and tell me this? Why would a second person then match many elements of this story if it wasn't true? How could two people who don't know each other tell me very similar things.

Well, maybe my wife hasn't slept with him...yet, and therefor is able to deny a 'physical' affair. But there is something there on a possible emotional level....maybe just flirting...maybe a shoulder to cry on....but it's WRONG no matter how far it has gone or hasn't gone, especially if it's an old boyfriend.

I have cut off ALL COMMUNICATION from my wife. I am not calling her back. I am not forwarding her mail. Today is Monday and taxes are due. I still have seen no money from her, so I pretty much got stiffed. And all these claims she still loves me....?? When she lied to me about 'girls-weekend'. Bah.

I will be packing more of her clothes tonight and put them on the porch. But I am not helping her anymore. I am note even forwarding her the unemployment papers. I don't want to be vindictive or an ass, but I don't see why I should make it easy for her to get her government pay as she continues bowling and drinking and stiffing me, and now 'Possibly' linked to an affair. In her mind, an affair may be sleeping with someone, not hanging out, texting back and forth, etc.