And now for something completely different....

Joel Osteen

I don't know why, but Monty Python just entered my head when thinking about a title for this post.

I love British humor.  I actually love any type of dry, quick wit.  To me it's a sign of intelligence.  The ability to make a dead pan comment or see the insane side of a sane world without resorting to lowbrow words or situations is a sign of intelligence to me.

I'm not sure if I ever mentioned Joel Osteen Ministries before or not.  I came across him for the first time a month or so back when I missed my regular church service and felt the desire (notice I didn't say need) to watch a Sunday morning TV sermon.  Anyway, I stumbled across him and with a skeptics ear I listened.  I say 'skeptics ear' because I'm a little worried about some televangelists...and there's plenty of reason to be such, but I actually liked what he said. 

And by my limited knowledge of the Words, Joel's message's easily pass my personal litmus test on being biblically sound.

Today is Tuesday.  That is six days ago I received the inflammatory letter from my wife's attorney, and you can guess by now I have allowed it to affect me at a very deep level.  Thank goodness my ex can't see me because there's no reason I'd like to give her to know that she was able to get into my head so good and derail me for so many days.

But then today (albeit 6 days later) I felt the need inside me to listen to a Joel Osteen sermon online.  I've never been to his website before.  Today was the first time.  I signed in and went to his podcast section and chose sermon #515 - "The Power of Letting Go" (which happened to be recorded May 27, 2012, just a few weeks back).

WOW!!

The message was designed for me to hear today.  Maybe God wanted me to think about things the last 6 days before I was ready to accept something.  That something was the "idea of 'Letting Go'".  Joel makes a a great point towards the end of this 30 minute sermon.
    

"Why do we place a question mark, where God has put a period?"

Meaning, whether we understand things or not, we should tune in more acutely and listen to God's answer, and accept it for what the final result is.  Instead, we sit and try to figure things out and wedge it conveniently into our own parameters so that we can understand things.  Joel goes on to say that "we don't know all the answer, and nor do we need to."  We need to create a new file drawer in our head...one that is labeled "I don't know why".  That one is missing because we always try to create an answer for everything and justify things at the moment so that we can process it for ourselves and thus move on.

But sometimes things just don't compute.

And so we stew, and we think, and we analyze, and we play the tape in our heads over and over and over again....looking for that one clue....that one piece of information....that one hint....that we can say "Aha!!....That's why that happened."

But are we ever really satisfied with that answer...or non-answer?  I know I generally am not, and thus begins the cycle of driving myself insane, and spiraling into depression, anger, frustration, and everything else negative that I tend to blog about.

When God just put a period on that chapter.

And then we turn the page, and a new chapter is about to begin.

I am just as guilty as the next person when it comes to this, maybe even more so.  For whatever reason, I was created to over think things to death.  Even though I don't like to shoehorn myself into the stigma of being a pessimist, I do indeed tend to look at the glass as 'half empty'.

And who am I to question the Creator who knows everything where I no just a fraction of nothing?

I need to learn to "Let Go."  All this thinking and worrying and making up answers in my head, is just what I alluded to yesterday...it all amounts to nothing, because I don't know the final answer nor do I have all the information.  And maybe God just wants me to accept His period on it, move on, and not try to put my question mark at the end.  The more I question things looking for an answer, the longer I wait before I can turn the page and start a new chapter, the chapter He is going to write for me.

It's me about getting over that mental hurdle and convincing myself I will be okay.  You know that.  My friends know that.  My family knows that.  God knows that.  I just need to accept it and own it myself.  That's the trick.

Once I have done that, I can move on.

Trying out Therapists

What an awkward and uncomfortable process.

Basically you go to your health provider website, type in your address, select a 10, 15, or 20 mile radius and click the appropriate boxes: depression (check), anxiety (check), marriage therapy (check). You press 'submit' and somewhere in the annals of ethereal cyberspace both electrons and protons and whatever else is out there spit back a list of names.

Great, so now I have a list 200 names ranging from .81 miles to 4.82 miles from my house. Really? Are there that many people out there that have issues that warrants these many therapsists? Marriage counslers? Pychologists? Pschyiatrists? I already feel overwhelmed and I haven't even picked up the phone yet.

Just a sea of names, addresses, and important sounding three letter titles that do nothing to help me pick. Do I pick a man? A female? Are they close to my age and inexperienced, or mcuh older with there own 50's take on the world that may be out dated.

The first person (female) I called sounded very empathetic and already I could sense she really wanted to help me, but then that awkward moment where she asks for my healthcare provider ID and group number, and we learn she not 'in network', meaning I can still go to her, but just pay through the nose.

The second person I called was also a female, and just so happens to share my last name. She was 'in-network' and could see me Wed for a co-pay of $20,...right up my alley.....but you know...she never once asked me how I was feeling or what was really wrong. The 'vibe', whatever that means, just didn't seem there to me.

Lastly I got a hold of a man. Apparantly his new office isn't ready yet, so he has to practice out of his house the next 3 weeks, but has been in the field for over 30 years. He seemed very professional and also willing to help, but also 'out of network' as far as billing goes. His regular rate is $190 an hour, but he said he'd work something out with me and I mail in the invoice to the insurance company and they reimburse within 10 days.

Here I am, feeling broken, eyes red and swollen from random fits of unstoppable tears and I'm strangely effected that I have to worry about being 'in' or 'out' of network. I'm about to trust someone by bearing my soul, raw nerves and emotions, to put Humpty-Dumpty back together again, and yet I know nothing about these people and it comes down to "Do you accept Blue Shield PPO?"

Bah....this whole process sucks.

A slip in medication makes for frustration

It's been a long weekend of sorts.

Because my step daughter is with us right now and with very busy days for both of us at work this past week, we decided to skip out on counseling this past Tuesday.

And then somewhere around Saturday the 3rd, I realized I had forgotten to take my Lexapro for two days and figured when I got home I'd get right back on. Well, I screwed up. It just donned on me that because of all the hoopla surrounding a three day holiday weekend and neighbors bounding in and out galore, that I have now not taken any Lexapro for 4 days now and thus have thrown off my cycle.

It makes a little sense now to me as to why yesterday I was a bit grumpier than usual. Little things started to get under my skin again, but I was chalking that up to the heat and stress of work. I'm sure that those both contributed to my overall mood, but being off the meds now for four days has to have made an impact, and not a favorable one. Even though I got plenty of sleep last night, and like I said, just came off a 3 day weekend...I've noticed how much people at work have gotten to me today and it really isn't their fault. Hopefully, I'll remember when I get home and jump back on the meds, but it may now take a good solid week before I get back on track.

We are supposed to have another 3 day weekend this upcoming week and hopefully by then I'll feel better.

Overall tension at my house has been building again, probably moreso on my end. Like I stated earlier, my step-daughter has been with us for almost a week and a half now and the typical teenager attitude has been grating on me much more than it has my wife. But at least I'm smart enought to recognize that and thus decided to leave the house and sequester myself for a few hours on 'alone' time, elsewise I suspect I may have said something I may or may not regret. I suppose at her age of 17, I expect a little more cooperation on things in general, but that doesn't seem to be happening (unless there is something in it for her), and I can feel my patience dwindling. Even my wife finally said something to me very briefly this morning, and I had to take a step back and explain it's a combination of things, not all my stepdaughter, but she definetly isn't making matters easier either.

Finally, once again I skipped church this weekend. Both regular service and mens bible study, and I've really been feeling it deep within. I also feel the struggles and temptations of the world as well, and really do notice when I am not having my spirit fed. It's making it easier for me to slide down the slope of sin and think things I really should really be avoiding in a secular world. It doesn't help matters that I'll also be gone next week as well, so chalk that up to 3 weeks in a row now. Sigh.

Taking the edge off

Well, as I told you in my last post I started a new regime of Lexapro, and today is day 7. The doctor says it takes upwards of two weeks to kick in, but I'm pretty sure it has already kicked in.

Even yesterday at my therapists office, she made the comment that I appeared more relaxed overall...not just in the way I was sitting, but I wasn't talking a mile a minute and didn't appear to be as agitated as I had been in previous sessions. I suppose thats a blessing.

I've noticed two side effects so far:

1) I'm getting more tired at an earlier hour and sleeping a bit better. Last night I could barely keep my eyes open at 9:30pm, and this morning I could have kept sleeping bast my normal get up time at 7am.

2) My thought process is a bit more streamlined in the sense that I can seemingly only concentrate on 1 or 2 things at most at any given time. I can usually multitask, and keep my attention divided amongst various activities, conversations, thoughts, but now it seems that about 2 is my limit. Everything else seems to be more like background jumble. At least I'm aware of it. It's hard to explain, but it's liek part of my extra sensory brain is turned off. I have to concentrate a bit more when I shift gears and it's liek I have blinders on. The task at hand is at the forefront of my thoughts, and everything else is a tad blurry on the peripheral if you catch my drift.

I suppose a third side-effect is that my anxiety is way down. That's one of the things I really wanted to achieve. I'll take a bit of numbness over the extreme highs and lows and near panic attacks I have been feeling in the past few weeks.

Counseling has been going 'okay', and I'm happy to hear my wife will attend her 4th session this Thursday, and we're going to try for a joint session in about two weeks.

She leaves this Saturday for a week long business trip which is kinda nice. I'll have the house to myself for a week, and I plan on watching some movies and playing some games, and even going out with a few of my guy friends.

All in all, I'm feeling a bit abover average right now.

Sullen Day

Sullen isn't exactly the word I'm looking for, but at the moment best describes my mood.

I went to marriage counseling last night am slightly encouraged to learn my wife is going to her third session on Thursday, however, I'm also slightly disheartened to believe that her efforts may only be of an obligatory nature to fulfill a request from her parents and myself, not because she actually wants to go on her own accord and work on things.

Afterwards we went to dinner last night, and it was pretty nice, like two friends really. During our meal however, I asked if she had RSVP'd to her sister regarding her sisters hosting of Mother's Day again at their house. My wife simply said "No." and with a little further prodding on my part she explained she really doesn't have a desire to see her mother or sister. That kind of disturbs me a bit. In addition to my own emotional trials and tribulations for my wife, it really hit me that my wife has walled herself up against all those closest to her. I started thinking...my wife has a strained relationship with her ex-husband, her mother, her sister, her daughter, and even my own mother, and lets not forget myself. My wife seems to be carrying a lot of anger and bitterness and instead of dealing with these things, tends to run with her secular friends.

This was further reinforced to me with this out-of-the-blue notion of starting some fantasy business with a current co-worker and they are in the midst of writing a business plan and seeking investors. This is the first time I heard of any of this, and we aren't talking about some side home business or small strip mall shop. We're talking a multi-million dollar undertaking with a building that is over 65,000 square feet. I'm not one to want to burst her bubble or dash dreams, but the reality is neither one of them have an education beyond high school, neither have run a business on their own, neither have what I would consider excellent credit and I've seen no actual work done on this supposed 'plan'. I hope I don't sound like a chauvinist, and I apologize if I do, but I just can't see this happening at all. But since my wife appears to be deadly serious about it, I'm glad in a way that we do indeed have our finances separate. I know she approached her parents about some money and they said 'No', knowing full well that my wife doesn't have a very good track record with decision making or financial responsibilities.

So I started the morning in a decent mood, and she did indeed give me a kiss goodbye, and once again spoke in very vague terms about a future with us....but I really do mean vague....I started to think more and more about the events of the last day, and very slowly coming to the conclusion that unless God intervenes anytime soon, I figure our marriage at best may be one of convenience on her part.

I'm willing to see what the next two months of counseling will bring, once again, being patient and let God have his hand in this, but I still feel very conflicted. I listed to the first 2 of 6 CD's now from Pastor Jack Abeelen on 'Marriage, divorce & remarriage', and other than adultery, Christ is pretty much dead set against divorce. I can't help but wonder how long do I go through the motions? I've said it before and I'll reiterate again today....I love my wife...and want nothing more than a solid marriage.....but I really feel that my wife's definitions of a heavenly partnership in marriage that Christ defines is very askew from my definition, and continued behaviors so far lead me to believe that change is going to be very slow, if at all.

So despite listening to those CD's, my thoughts went back to divorce again. I'm wondering if I would be indeed happier and healthier both mentally and emotionally if I did indeed move on. I've pictured myself more than once already having a consultation with a lawyer about legal separation and still wonder what is stopping me. I picture living in my house alone for the foreseeable future and making sure I can survive and how would I even go about getting a room mate or paying the bills. I pretty much know re-dating would be long off and I think I am a person built for companionship and eventual re-marriage. I even am thinking about children again, and if not my own biological children from a fresh beginning, then helping raise another child in a loving and spiritual household. I don't see any of that happening under the current situation no matter how many different angles I look at it from.

My counselor told me to write my thoughts out when I get like this, so perhaps if you think my thoughts/post went off on a tangent...these are my pure and unfiltered thoughts and really isn't supposed to be a message based on faith today.