You cannot serve two masters.  If I am truly your Master, you will desire to please Me above all others.  If pleasing people is your goal, you will be enslaved to them.  People can be harsh taskmasters when you give them this power over you. (May 3rd devotional, -Jesus Calling by Sarah Young)

I'm a few days behind in my daily devotionals, reading two a day until I catch up, but I had to share this one today because it really seemed to hit home for me.

The last two sentences describe me to a 'T', and a habit I am trying to break. 

Part of being co-dependant is wanting to please people by any and all means, and often the co dependant is not even aware of this because this activity becomes the norm.  I did as much as I could within reason to please my wife, and my enslavement was thus making me secretly miserable as I wrote check after check to cover her, and then looked the other way when behavior was not appropriate so I could avoid an argument or making her somehow displeased with me.

I wanted her love, and I wanted the text book marriage.  It's becoming apparent to me she did not.  She wanted to be married on paper and security and occasional fun, but she wanted it by her rules, not "ours" or God's or the textbook.  She wanted to come and go as she pleased, spend what she wanted, drink when she wanted, and maintain her social butterfly status...moving from one fun event to another.

I allowed her to carry on this way for so long that after a certain point in time, it would seem out of place for me to even question things any longer.  I submitted.  I became enslaved.  I gave her all the power, or somewhere forgot that I could yield my own.  I slogged away at work, day-in/day-out, made sacrifice after sacrifice after sacrifice and somehow it still was never enough to make her happy.

Her happiness was gauged on how much she could do, how much she could get away with, and how much she could control me.  Her control came in the form of with holding information, withholding intimacy, withholding recognition for deeds well done, withholding respect, putting me down in front of others, telling neighbors our secrets (one-sided of course).

Tomorrow I should get my 30 day chip at Celebrate Recovery for working on my codependency and 11 days (the magic day is the May 21st), until I "win" if my wife doesn't respond.