My step-daughter hit me with a loaded question yesterday and I had one of those moments where I was awkwardly silent at first, but my mind was racing at the speed of light for the 'diplomatic' reply.
"So Dad.....Why this year are we not really exchanging presents like in the past?", she asked, as it was only her and I standing in the kitchen as I was making spaghetti noodles for dinner after a long day and an hour commute home due to the torrential rain.
The easy answer would have been to blurt out in disgust "Ask your mother...the one who got us into this mess.", but I didn't. I needed to focus, collect my thoughts, and be Christian-like and fair.
I may have strong feelings on a subject, and my interpretation of events may be factual and true, but would they serve the collective or common good to be blunt and lay this all at the feet of one person.
The answer is "No."
The fact really is that it does take two to tango. As much as I may blame my wife for our financial issues (see my previous post on 'Forgive and Forget' btw) , I also allowed it to happen and turned a blind eye early on. And that's not to say every once in a while I wasn't exactly making the best and wisest of money related decisions.
But she's 19 now, and a part-time employee herself trying to learn (albeit late) about how the world turns. I decided she was old enough to know certain things...we can't shelter forever, and she is a part of this household....so I decided she had a right to know the truth. I didn't have to go into much detail, or take this as an opportunity to bash anyone (including myself mind you), just paint a clear enough picture that answers this upfront question, and may hopefully explain other things as well she may be privy to.
"Well....your mother and I are kinda in a financial bind. This year has been very hard for us both as you may have picked up from the banks calling weeks on end. Suffice to say, your mother and I are living paycheck to paycheck...hence...why we are eating more soup and spaghetti and staying home on the weekends. It hopefully won't be like this forever, but right now, and for the immediate time being, your mother and I are doing what we can to not fall down any further. Hopefully, with any luck, this is the indeed the worst of it and all we can do is go up from here. It may be a few months, maybe a year, but we're trying to correct certain issues that may have been neglected."
I think she took it fairly well and hopefully will respect me someday for telling it that way.
December 21, 2010
Humbling quote
I came across this quote the other day from Rick Warren, although I'm not exactly sure he is indeed the author. It seems I may have heard something similar once before, but since I saw this the other day, I CANNOT stop thinking about it:
Whoa.
Heavy times 10. Man 'o man, I can think of countless things over the years that I haven't forgotten, and I wonder if I still hold even the minorest of grudges on any of them. I think I do and that puts a whole new perspective on how I have been dealing with things, both new and old.
Whoa.
If you have forgave, but not forgot....Did you really forgive to begin
with?
Whoa.
Heavy times 10. Man 'o man, I can think of countless things over the years that I haven't forgotten, and I wonder if I still hold even the minorest of grudges on any of them. I think I do and that puts a whole new perspective on how I have been dealing with things, both new and old.
Whoa.
December 20, 2010
What side of the fence am I even on anymore?
I've really been flip flopping emotionally this Christmas. Generally, I tend to look forward to the Christmas break, Christmas itself, and family. Still no lights on the house and we didn't send out one card this year. Not one.
There is so much to be thankful for, and yet.....I'm allowing myself to get mired in frustration and making excuses not to get into the spirit of the season. It's been raining very hard the last few days and is expected to up until Thursday of this week. Needless to say, we've all been cooped up inside the house, my dog included, and maybe getting a little stir crazy and depressed.
It's a clinical fact that people that don't get enough sunlight tend to get depressed more easily, and even though I know this, I can't seem to fend it off with my knowledge. It's amazing that we can all be in the same house together and barely have anything to say to one another for hours at a time. We are all at fault on this, yet I think I'm the only one that really notices.
I was watching Extreme Home Makeover as well, and let me tell you....that show is humbling. Just when I think our life is stagnant, I see these families that endure so much more....and yet, sometimes through their own pain they still seem to keep their head held up and face adversity, and find fun and meaning in just about everything. I feel so guilty and pathetic inside when I see the struggles of others.
I want that feeling of hopefullness and cheerfulness and love. Not just for me, but for my wife and daughter as well...yet it seems to elude us all.
I feel horrible about Christmas this year in the sense of giving. It's no secret (at least here) that we're scraping by. Paycheck to paycheck. It's one thing to agree with my own family that we won't be exchanging gifts this year, but I am so ashamed and embarrassed that we won't be able to get any gifts for wife's family either, including my nephews. Through my sister and brother in law, I have 4 nephews ranging from 6 to 17. We can't get them anything this year. We're even struggling to get anything for our daughter. I mentioned to her cautiously that this year would be low-key, to only expect stocking-stuffers. I think she understood and seems okay with it, but that still doesn't make me feel better and reinforces the feeling that somewhere along the lines we failed.
I'm kinda cringing inside to face everyone on Christmas Day at my inlaws empty handed. And there isn't any solace in the fact that I didn't cause our current status. I can't help it, but I feel as if my brother and sister in law will judge us and perhaps make up some story for the kids as to why their aunt and uncle didn't get them anything this year. I hope my wife has the discussion with her sister ahead of time. I loathe any type of confrontation even though this isn't of the agressive or negative type.
I have a longing to dig into the Word for comfort, but I find that feeling of relief is only temporary. I get words and thoughts of encouragement, but like a morning fog, they begin to fade as things heat up. I didn't go to church yesterday...I slept in. I'd like to say the pouring rain was my excuse, but how much of an excuse is it when my chruch is only a few blocks away?
It's lunch time. I'm having a can of soup. Skipped breakfast. I just want to go home, take a shower, and go to bed.
There is so much to be thankful for, and yet.....I'm allowing myself to get mired in frustration and making excuses not to get into the spirit of the season. It's been raining very hard the last few days and is expected to up until Thursday of this week. Needless to say, we've all been cooped up inside the house, my dog included, and maybe getting a little stir crazy and depressed.
It's a clinical fact that people that don't get enough sunlight tend to get depressed more easily, and even though I know this, I can't seem to fend it off with my knowledge. It's amazing that we can all be in the same house together and barely have anything to say to one another for hours at a time. We are all at fault on this, yet I think I'm the only one that really notices.
I was watching Extreme Home Makeover as well, and let me tell you....that show is humbling. Just when I think our life is stagnant, I see these families that endure so much more....and yet, sometimes through their own pain they still seem to keep their head held up and face adversity, and find fun and meaning in just about everything. I feel so guilty and pathetic inside when I see the struggles of others.
I want that feeling of hopefullness and cheerfulness and love. Not just for me, but for my wife and daughter as well...yet it seems to elude us all.
I feel horrible about Christmas this year in the sense of giving. It's no secret (at least here) that we're scraping by. Paycheck to paycheck. It's one thing to agree with my own family that we won't be exchanging gifts this year, but I am so ashamed and embarrassed that we won't be able to get any gifts for wife's family either, including my nephews. Through my sister and brother in law, I have 4 nephews ranging from 6 to 17. We can't get them anything this year. We're even struggling to get anything for our daughter. I mentioned to her cautiously that this year would be low-key, to only expect stocking-stuffers. I think she understood and seems okay with it, but that still doesn't make me feel better and reinforces the feeling that somewhere along the lines we failed.
I'm kinda cringing inside to face everyone on Christmas Day at my inlaws empty handed. And there isn't any solace in the fact that I didn't cause our current status. I can't help it, but I feel as if my brother and sister in law will judge us and perhaps make up some story for the kids as to why their aunt and uncle didn't get them anything this year. I hope my wife has the discussion with her sister ahead of time. I loathe any type of confrontation even though this isn't of the agressive or negative type.
I have a longing to dig into the Word for comfort, but I find that feeling of relief is only temporary. I get words and thoughts of encouragement, but like a morning fog, they begin to fade as things heat up. I didn't go to church yesterday...I slept in. I'd like to say the pouring rain was my excuse, but how much of an excuse is it when my chruch is only a few blocks away?
It's lunch time. I'm having a can of soup. Skipped breakfast. I just want to go home, take a shower, and go to bed.
December 10, 2010
And 6.5 hours later....
....I'm not as mad as I was earlier.
It's really strange how emotions work. We've all heard the cliche, 'Time heals all wounds', and in some cases (not all) there is some semblence of truth to that. Where as this morning I was in a dire mood, grouchy, whatever....I just noticed that for the last few hours I've been pretty much ambivalent to everything. Did something change in our financial status the last 6-7 hours..?? No.
I admit though, I have checked our online statement 3 seperate times today. Why? I don't know. Was I expecting something to be added in there by a miracle? No. By staring at the same black and white figures, over and over did I think a light bulb would go on over my head? No. Well, I suppose the good news is nothing else cleared today. I can't imagine how I would feel right now if I logged in and we were down anotehr $100. Would that be an excuse for me to go all Richter? And if I did go Richter, would that really change anything? No.
I did get a text message from one of my wife's best friends. She knows that I've been on edge lately and I give her all the credit I can muster up by knowing she has never gone to my wife with our conversations. She really does know how to keep personal affairs and knowledge to herself. She doesn't kiss and tell, and she won't go running to my wife and gasp "You won't believe what your husband just said...."
She told me not to long ago that she sees her own therapist. At least once a week for almost a year. She suggested I go back, and it's not that I am against that notion. I need to vent. But as I explained to her, two things come up immediately for me: 1) Even if I wanted to go to a therapist right now....I have no money as a co-payment. 2) I'm not sure how talking to someone else right now solves the issue that my wife is financially irresponsible. I can talk to someone until I am blue in the face, but that doesn't stop my wife's behavior.
Anyway, she texted me mid morning to see how I was. I don't know what got into me, but I took it as an opportunity to vent. I wrote a spirited email to describe in fact exactly the way I had been feeling.
It felt so damn good to expunge and unload all this pent up negative energy I've been carrying around for a few days. But as I typed this last sentence, I can't help but wonder, why didn't I vent and unload to God? Why haven't I placed all this minutae at His feet to help carry me along? Oy, is this yet another failure to a test of being a Christian...putting my faith in man instead of with God?
So what's on the agenda tonight? Well, I see myself watching a movie on DVD or a show later. Tomorrow I plan on attending men's study at church (I need it), hitting the gym, working on my model, and spending no money.
It's really strange how emotions work. We've all heard the cliche, 'Time heals all wounds', and in some cases (not all) there is some semblence of truth to that. Where as this morning I was in a dire mood, grouchy, whatever....I just noticed that for the last few hours I've been pretty much ambivalent to everything. Did something change in our financial status the last 6-7 hours..?? No.
I admit though, I have checked our online statement 3 seperate times today. Why? I don't know. Was I expecting something to be added in there by a miracle? No. By staring at the same black and white figures, over and over did I think a light bulb would go on over my head? No. Well, I suppose the good news is nothing else cleared today. I can't imagine how I would feel right now if I logged in and we were down anotehr $100. Would that be an excuse for me to go all Richter? And if I did go Richter, would that really change anything? No.
I did get a text message from one of my wife's best friends. She knows that I've been on edge lately and I give her all the credit I can muster up by knowing she has never gone to my wife with our conversations. She really does know how to keep personal affairs and knowledge to herself. She doesn't kiss and tell, and she won't go running to my wife and gasp "You won't believe what your husband just said...."
She told me not to long ago that she sees her own therapist. At least once a week for almost a year. She suggested I go back, and it's not that I am against that notion. I need to vent. But as I explained to her, two things come up immediately for me: 1) Even if I wanted to go to a therapist right now....I have no money as a co-payment. 2) I'm not sure how talking to someone else right now solves the issue that my wife is financially irresponsible. I can talk to someone until I am blue in the face, but that doesn't stop my wife's behavior.
Anyway, she texted me mid morning to see how I was. I don't know what got into me, but I took it as an opportunity to vent. I wrote a spirited email to describe in fact exactly the way I had been feeling.
It felt so damn good to expunge and unload all this pent up negative energy I've been carrying around for a few days. But as I typed this last sentence, I can't help but wonder, why didn't I vent and unload to God? Why haven't I placed all this minutae at His feet to help carry me along? Oy, is this yet another failure to a test of being a Christian...putting my faith in man instead of with God?
So what's on the agenda tonight? Well, I see myself watching a movie on DVD or a show later. Tomorrow I plan on attending men's study at church (I need it), hitting the gym, working on my model, and spending no money.
Medication inconsistency & insomnia
Well, if it's not one thing, it's the other. Lately, I've been so tired I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open past 9:30pm. If given the chance, I could probably sleep in my car at lunch for the past few weeks. Now today, my eyes sprung open at around 2:11, again in the 3 o'clock hour, again at roughly 4:30, and finally wide awake at around 5:15am.
And I still managed to forget to take my happy pill yet again. I've been so inconsistent as of late, it's probably doing no good for me at all, and I'll have to start a new cycle tomorrow and wait the roughly 2 weeks to get back on track. Ugh.
I was mad yesterday. After writing my entry and sitting in my car driving home, I got mad. I could feel my jaw hinge getting sore from the unconscious clenching I had been doing previously up to that point. I don't know why, but something told me to look at the bank account.
I looked.
I was not happy at what I saw.
My wife, despite not having any more credit cards and no ATM/Debit card anylonger has been writing checks and not giving me a heads-up. Long story short....our mortgage is due the 16th without incurring a an additional $108 late fee, and she doesn't get paid until the 17th. If we spend no money and I mean NO MONEY the next 5 days (means no gas for our cars, no eating out, no nothing), we will still be short roughly $100. The last couple of checks: $40 'bowling' (hers), $89 'beauty supplies' (various shampoos and what not), $35 Ralph's (supplies for a party we got invited too that she volunteered to make tamales). Those were just some of them. And she gets on my case for not keeping a check register??? I check the online statements almost every other day so I know what's up. She actually does keep a check register and is still clueless.
No, I can't even fight with her now. It's just not worth it for me to get worked up, scream and yell for to someone that is in denial. In the end, I'll end up looking like an ass, and somehow it'll be my fault.
We've been doing this 'joint' account thing for almost two months now, and I'm starting to suspect it's not working. Well, it's not working for me, but apparantly working for her because she can keep writing checks counting on me. We spoke briefly about it this morning. She looked at me like "well, there's nothing we can do, so don't stress about it"...Really? There's nothing 'we' can do? Um...yes, 'you' can stop writing checks for $90 worth of shampoo and conditioner. Say maybe skip 'bowling' one week and have an extra $40. Why is up to me to figure everything out?
Dammit...this isn't how I wanted to start my day or weekend. I'm frustrated, a little ticked, forgot my meds, and now broke until next week where we'll be late paying the mortgage. Oh, I just can't wait to go to my inlaws this Thursday and pretent everything is hunky-dory.
And I still managed to forget to take my happy pill yet again. I've been so inconsistent as of late, it's probably doing no good for me at all, and I'll have to start a new cycle tomorrow and wait the roughly 2 weeks to get back on track. Ugh.
I was mad yesterday. After writing my entry and sitting in my car driving home, I got mad. I could feel my jaw hinge getting sore from the unconscious clenching I had been doing previously up to that point. I don't know why, but something told me to look at the bank account.
I looked.
I was not happy at what I saw.
My wife, despite not having any more credit cards and no ATM/Debit card anylonger has been writing checks and not giving me a heads-up. Long story short....our mortgage is due the 16th without incurring a an additional $108 late fee, and she doesn't get paid until the 17th. If we spend no money and I mean NO MONEY the next 5 days (means no gas for our cars, no eating out, no nothing), we will still be short roughly $100. The last couple of checks: $40 'bowling' (hers), $89 'beauty supplies' (various shampoos and what not), $35 Ralph's (supplies for a party we got invited too that she volunteered to make tamales). Those were just some of them. And she gets on my case for not keeping a check register??? I check the online statements almost every other day so I know what's up. She actually does keep a check register and is still clueless.
No, I can't even fight with her now. It's just not worth it for me to get worked up, scream and yell for to someone that is in denial. In the end, I'll end up looking like an ass, and somehow it'll be my fault.
We've been doing this 'joint' account thing for almost two months now, and I'm starting to suspect it's not working. Well, it's not working for me, but apparantly working for her because she can keep writing checks counting on me. We spoke briefly about it this morning. She looked at me like "well, there's nothing we can do, so don't stress about it"...Really? There's nothing 'we' can do? Um...yes, 'you' can stop writing checks for $90 worth of shampoo and conditioner. Say maybe skip 'bowling' one week and have an extra $40. Why is up to me to figure everything out?
Dammit...this isn't how I wanted to start my day or weekend. I'm frustrated, a little ticked, forgot my meds, and now broke until next week where we'll be late paying the mortgage. Oh, I just can't wait to go to my inlaws this Thursday and pretent everything is hunky-dory.
December 09, 2010
Still no spirit
Well, another week has gone by and we still have zero Christams decoration up. That's both inside and out. No lights outside, no tree inside.
My aunt gave me a really strange call a few days ago. Oh, and in case anyone is wondering, she's borderline agnostic/atheist. That's not to say she isn't 'spiritual', but she's was more or less a child of the 60's and was into the whole New Age movement a few decades back and even followed some teaching of some East Indian Guru for a while. The good news I guess is she grew out of that, but hasn't landed anywhere else. I suspect she does believe in a higher power, but I know she doesn't attend church and can't believe that an all loving God would allow such atrocities to take place today if 'He' cared about us. I won't go into much more than that, but suffice to say we don't talk about Christianity and she always has 'her answer' for everything.
I don't know why I just brought that up other than to give some background on the call I got the other night. It was about Christmas Eve and the dinner I offered to cook. Long story short she talked to me for just under 30 minutes.....and I mean that literally. I timed it on my cell phone, and she did 90% of the talking with me just saying "Okay" and "Uh-huh" sprinkled in at certain intervals just so I wouldn't seem rude. But I tuned out for the most part five minutes in when she start telling me about all her dietary requirements, and not just what she could and couldn't have (which most of it is B.S. to begin with), but then she started dictating the time I have dinner so that SHE could drive home afterwards without hitting traffic. That probably seems like an acceptable request by most standards, but here's the thing.....my aunt makes everything a drama and she's always at the center of it. Not just in her dealings with me, but I've seen her talk to her husband (my uncle), my grandfather, my mother (her sister) the same way. Everything revolves around her. It's not that she's intentionally being malicious, rude, spoiled, whatever...but I really and honestly believe in my heart of hearts that she doesn't realize that she puts her well being ahead of everyone else.
So in the interest of sacrifice and less drama, I am making a few concessions and modifications. I know, I should put my foot down and draw the line somewhere, but in the interest of trying to be humble and respecting my relatives I am bending a tad. In the long run, it's just easier for me and won't cause any awkward moments for the duration of the day. That and the fact that I have three strong willed women in my life: my aunt, my mother, and my wife. I'm just too tired anymore to try and argue with any of them.
~~~~~~~
A strange thing happened to me yesterday I thought I would share....as long as I'm being 100% open and honest here in my anonymous blog. My medicine (as I've been talking about adnaseum lately) makes me very tired and my muscles very achy (plus the gym), but I got in the shower last night as hot as I could stand it and sat down, indian style, and let the water rush over me in hopes of relieving my stress and relaxing me.
As I sat there in my silence, I couldn't help but think that I haven't had a massage in over 7 years. Not juts a full body professional massage, but my wife doesn't even rub my feet or shoulders anymore. Not that I demand that, or even ask....but she doesn't even offer. It wasn't that which got to me, it was the fact I realized just how darn tired I was. And not just physically like a good day or two at poolside would recharge me.....No, I really began to take stock in how tired I was and am in totality.
It my muscles, my eyes, my heart, my soul. I'm so tired of trying to hold everything together as far as finances go, my spirituality, my job, my health, prayers for my family. I harken back to an entry I made here close to two years back, and then suddenly the idea of running away seemed like a plausible fantasy again. For a few brief minutes I pretended I was married to someone else, living somewhere else, working somewhere else. I thought of vacations I never took in my life, but the ones I took in my alternate fantasy. I dreamed of my kids I would never have and an affectionate wife who placed "us" as a priority instead of a bowling league.
And for 30 seconds I imagined I was infact gone, home in heaven, never to look back at this crap. It seemed that the crap was in fact never ending, not measured in year to year, or crap measured by month to month, but the crap I sometimes feel I can measure day to day, and sometimes even hour to hour.
Then I realized I'd been in the shower a godo 20 minutes, so I better suck it up and get out it, once again pushing down those empty feelings into a ball I now try and hide deep down inside myself and pretend they aren't there.....until the next time I am alone and a failure message from the Enemy creeps in and trie sto remind me what a failure everything is and this whole God thing and pill thing and prayer thing just isn't doing anything. I know all this is baloney, but why does it garb me so hard and do such an excellent job of paralyzing me?
My aunt gave me a really strange call a few days ago. Oh, and in case anyone is wondering, she's borderline agnostic/atheist. That's not to say she isn't 'spiritual', but she's was more or less a child of the 60's and was into the whole New Age movement a few decades back and even followed some teaching of some East Indian Guru for a while. The good news I guess is she grew out of that, but hasn't landed anywhere else. I suspect she does believe in a higher power, but I know she doesn't attend church and can't believe that an all loving God would allow such atrocities to take place today if 'He' cared about us. I won't go into much more than that, but suffice to say we don't talk about Christianity and she always has 'her answer' for everything.
I don't know why I just brought that up other than to give some background on the call I got the other night. It was about Christmas Eve and the dinner I offered to cook. Long story short she talked to me for just under 30 minutes.....and I mean that literally. I timed it on my cell phone, and she did 90% of the talking with me just saying "Okay" and "Uh-huh" sprinkled in at certain intervals just so I wouldn't seem rude. But I tuned out for the most part five minutes in when she start telling me about all her dietary requirements, and not just what she could and couldn't have (which most of it is B.S. to begin with), but then she started dictating the time I have dinner so that SHE could drive home afterwards without hitting traffic. That probably seems like an acceptable request by most standards, but here's the thing.....my aunt makes everything a drama and she's always at the center of it. Not just in her dealings with me, but I've seen her talk to her husband (my uncle), my grandfather, my mother (her sister) the same way. Everything revolves around her. It's not that she's intentionally being malicious, rude, spoiled, whatever...but I really and honestly believe in my heart of hearts that she doesn't realize that she puts her well being ahead of everyone else.
So in the interest of sacrifice and less drama, I am making a few concessions and modifications. I know, I should put my foot down and draw the line somewhere, but in the interest of trying to be humble and respecting my relatives I am bending a tad. In the long run, it's just easier for me and won't cause any awkward moments for the duration of the day. That and the fact that I have three strong willed women in my life: my aunt, my mother, and my wife. I'm just too tired anymore to try and argue with any of them.
~~~~~~~
A strange thing happened to me yesterday I thought I would share....as long as I'm being 100% open and honest here in my anonymous blog. My medicine (as I've been talking about adnaseum lately) makes me very tired and my muscles very achy (plus the gym), but I got in the shower last night as hot as I could stand it and sat down, indian style, and let the water rush over me in hopes of relieving my stress and relaxing me.
As I sat there in my silence, I couldn't help but think that I haven't had a massage in over 7 years. Not juts a full body professional massage, but my wife doesn't even rub my feet or shoulders anymore. Not that I demand that, or even ask....but she doesn't even offer. It wasn't that which got to me, it was the fact I realized just how darn tired I was. And not just physically like a good day or two at poolside would recharge me.....No, I really began to take stock in how tired I was and am in totality.
It my muscles, my eyes, my heart, my soul. I'm so tired of trying to hold everything together as far as finances go, my spirituality, my job, my health, prayers for my family. I harken back to an entry I made here close to two years back, and then suddenly the idea of running away seemed like a plausible fantasy again. For a few brief minutes I pretended I was married to someone else, living somewhere else, working somewhere else. I thought of vacations I never took in my life, but the ones I took in my alternate fantasy. I dreamed of my kids I would never have and an affectionate wife who placed "us" as a priority instead of a bowling league.
And for 30 seconds I imagined I was infact gone, home in heaven, never to look back at this crap. It seemed that the crap was in fact never ending, not measured in year to year, or crap measured by month to month, but the crap I sometimes feel I can measure day to day, and sometimes even hour to hour.
Then I realized I'd been in the shower a godo 20 minutes, so I better suck it up and get out it, once again pushing down those empty feelings into a ball I now try and hide deep down inside myself and pretend they aren't there.....until the next time I am alone and a failure message from the Enemy creeps in and trie sto remind me what a failure everything is and this whole God thing and pill thing and prayer thing just isn't doing anything. I know all this is baloney, but why does it garb me so hard and do such an excellent job of paralyzing me?
December 01, 2010
Bah Humbug
Well, here's to hoping everyone had a special and great Thanksgiving. Mine was pretty nice. It was kinda low-key and held at my sister-in-laws house. I did fairly well on the eating; although I had two complete dinner servings, I was a good boy and stayed away from having any dessert or yam's, and kept the adult drinking in check. My sister and brother-in-law were very good hosts and it was a little tamer this year as all my nephews and step-daughter were not in attendance.
I spent my 4 days off of work catching up on some TV, working on a train model I am building, going to the gym and working out hardcore at least twice. Maybe a little too hard as my body still feels a bit achy and sore 3 days after the fact.
Been taking my pills as I should be, although I still tend to forget my nightly supplements on occassion (Fish Oil tablets and Vitamin D), but overall have cut way back on my drinking. The Lipitor alternative continues to make me tired and on days like today I feel I could fall asleep at 2pm in the afternoon if I don't force myself to be active.
My wife had an emergency root canal yesterday: $259 was our portion of the bill that was of course unexpected. An additional $259 we don't have but had to pay. Looks like breakfasts will be skipped again this week and generic sandwiches for lunch and as much tuna, rice, and soup as we can eat this week. Oh well....what can you do?
Christmas is upon is in less than 4 weeks now and the feeling hasn't kicked in yet. Due to our finances, we have opted to not buy presents for our family this year. We recently had to explain to both sides why, and they were understanding. Instead, I'll be charged with making a Christmas Eve dinner in which I've been designing the menu the last few days. One thing I can do is cook. God gave me that skill and I always get rave reviews for my meals. This year will be Italian....it's a tad cheaper and easier to do as much of it can be preped the day before.
Usually, the day after Thanksgiving I traditionally put out the Christmas lights. Didn't happen...yet. I ended up helping my neighbors with theirs, and by the time we were all done, it was too late and cold to tackle my house. I was going to do it on Sunday, but then it rained in the morning, and the rest of the day was too cold yet again. We also battled an ant invasion due to the cold snap and rain....ugh. I work all week and this Saturday we have plans in which I won't be home. So by the time I get around to it, it'll be Dec. 5th, and if I feel anything then like how I feel now, I won't be doing it then either. At least my wife hasn't got on my case about it. As a matter of fact she hasn't even put away her Halloween decorations inside the house from last month, so she's letting me pass on this.
Other bad news is my work ended up terminating people again today. Practically the same day as a year ago. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, so work has been tense with a black cloud of moral hanging over everyones heads. I'm thnakful everyday for my job even though at times I'm bored out of my skull and fantasize about diffrent careers.....but I got to get through the next 13 months unscathed before the pressure begins to lift off my shoulders and chest.
I have a blood test coming up in the next few weeks. Gonna re-check my cholesterol. Hopefully it's gone down this time. I've tried much harder to be good (although not every day is perfect). More fish. More turkey. More water. More fiber. More excercise. Less booze. Less dairy. So we'll see. If not, then I don't know what's next.
I spent my 4 days off of work catching up on some TV, working on a train model I am building, going to the gym and working out hardcore at least twice. Maybe a little too hard as my body still feels a bit achy and sore 3 days after the fact.
Been taking my pills as I should be, although I still tend to forget my nightly supplements on occassion (Fish Oil tablets and Vitamin D), but overall have cut way back on my drinking. The Lipitor alternative continues to make me tired and on days like today I feel I could fall asleep at 2pm in the afternoon if I don't force myself to be active.
My wife had an emergency root canal yesterday: $259 was our portion of the bill that was of course unexpected. An additional $259 we don't have but had to pay. Looks like breakfasts will be skipped again this week and generic sandwiches for lunch and as much tuna, rice, and soup as we can eat this week. Oh well....what can you do?
Christmas is upon is in less than 4 weeks now and the feeling hasn't kicked in yet. Due to our finances, we have opted to not buy presents for our family this year. We recently had to explain to both sides why, and they were understanding. Instead, I'll be charged with making a Christmas Eve dinner in which I've been designing the menu the last few days. One thing I can do is cook. God gave me that skill and I always get rave reviews for my meals. This year will be Italian....it's a tad cheaper and easier to do as much of it can be preped the day before.
Usually, the day after Thanksgiving I traditionally put out the Christmas lights. Didn't happen...yet. I ended up helping my neighbors with theirs, and by the time we were all done, it was too late and cold to tackle my house. I was going to do it on Sunday, but then it rained in the morning, and the rest of the day was too cold yet again. We also battled an ant invasion due to the cold snap and rain....ugh. I work all week and this Saturday we have plans in which I won't be home. So by the time I get around to it, it'll be Dec. 5th, and if I feel anything then like how I feel now, I won't be doing it then either. At least my wife hasn't got on my case about it. As a matter of fact she hasn't even put away her Halloween decorations inside the house from last month, so she's letting me pass on this.
Other bad news is my work ended up terminating people again today. Practically the same day as a year ago. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, so work has been tense with a black cloud of moral hanging over everyones heads. I'm thnakful everyday for my job even though at times I'm bored out of my skull and fantasize about diffrent careers.....but I got to get through the next 13 months unscathed before the pressure begins to lift off my shoulders and chest.
I have a blood test coming up in the next few weeks. Gonna re-check my cholesterol. Hopefully it's gone down this time. I've tried much harder to be good (although not every day is perfect). More fish. More turkey. More water. More fiber. More excercise. Less booze. Less dairy. So we'll see. If not, then I don't know what's next.
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