Today is my Anniversary

4 years ago today my fiance and I stood before 150 people, most of them I did not know, and exchanged vows to become husband and wife.

When I was growing up, I always pictured my wedding day as a start to my new life. I could look forward to having a partner who loved me like no other and I could return that love unbridled. I looked for a partner whom I was sexually compatible with, that we could fulfill each others desires. I looked forward to having a child, perhaps even more, and one day maybe being a grandfather myself.

I pictured us being partners, 50-50, or as the old cliche states "For better or worse", and 'worse' never really entered my mind.

Last year on our third anniversary my wife chose to out with her girlfriends drinking after work which hurt me very deeply. Instead of celebrating our marriage, I was crying and she was indifferent towards me. That time frame was very troubling for me, and as I later found out very troubling for my wife.

We were at an impasse on who supported who and what marriage meant to each of us. Honestly, as much as I was hurt and disappointed with her decision that day, I can understand why she didn't want to be around me. It was during this time I had recently lost my job and I was indeed very depressed. I was on medication full tilt. Anything and almost everything would send me into a tailspin of despair and my wife didn't want to be around me lest I drag her down emotionally with me.

Where I thought she needed to be with me on our anniversary, I equated her love for me in direct conjunction with her obligatory presence. When she was not there, I thought this was a sign our marriage was over. Of course this fueled even more negative thoughts on my end. How could I go back and face these 150+ people, including our families, who celebrated our marriage just 3 years earlier and tell them it was a failure? On top of my tears and my meds, I figured I needed a little something extra that evening, so I turned to the bottle. Whisky....straight. It was during this time frame I really wondered what the heck did I ever see in this person I chose to marry? What did I see in myself? Was I destined to live a 'loveless' marriage, trapped by the contract I made with God at the altar? Did I really want to wake up the next morning, and every morning thereafter feeling this way? Where was that love? Can I please have it end right now?

How many more shots do I need this evening before the pain dissipates and numbs? How many more before I pass out?

A lot has changed in a year.

I rediscovered God and what being a Christian is like again. My wife and I are better...not perfect. We still argue at times, but not like we used to. We attended a couples class a few weeks back and discovered things about each other we were not 100% positive we knew about each other. My wife doesn't come to church with me, but I pray every week that our marriage grows stronger. I continually pray that God continues to work on my spirit, my issues, my health, and I also pray that He helps to change her heart not only towards me, but to God the Father, Himself. It's not always perfect, but Gods timing and reason are not my own.

Unfortunately this year my wife again will not be here for our 4th anniversary. This time I don't hold a grudge. She is away on business this time and calls me everyday. She asked what I have planned for us this Sunday when she returns. I don't have anything planned yet, but at least she's asking. I suppose that a good sign. And I suppose the fact I miss her is a good sign as well, though I'll be honest in saying my idea of marriage a few years ago in nothing like what I/we are experiencing between us now, and that does disappoint me on occasion.

I know that others have had a much tougher time with marriage with me, but I also know other who have it better, and I strive to be the latter, not the former. I'd like to think my wife feels the same way, and at times there are signs that is indeed the case, but not always.

Friends, please pray for me. Pray for my heart and that of my wife as well. That God can change both of us if we allow and desire Him to do so. Perhaps on our 5 year Anniversary, we will actually spend it together.

Wrestling with Moral Character and Judgements

I happened to come across this story today on CNN.com in regard to a former Playboy Playmate Susie Scott Krabacher and her work today as to saving orphans in the country of Haiti. I suppose one of the reasons this article made the news was to help rpomote her new book "Angels of a Lower Flight."


The title of her book really intrigued me to write this post. Despite the story of today where she and her husband now run a orphange facility in Haiti and the brief descriptions of obstacles such as thieves, gangs, and heart breaking child death and abandonment, she takes this all on and dare I say with more compassion than most regular church goers.


In light of my post yesterday regarding my own personal journey on forgiveness, I couldn't help but be reminded that I should not judge people on their appearance, past deeds, or other criteria, which is so hard to do these days. We need to leave all this to Jesus, for only He truly knows the condition of our hearts.


I suspect many christians, or people of faith may indeed have the initial knee-jerk reaction I did...a Playboy Playmate? Where does her religion lie?


But after a few moments, I realize that I too am no better off. We are all sinners. We all have a past. We all made decisions that somebody would raise their eyebrows at. I think of the prostitute that paid reverence to Christ where his own disciples were taken aback by her mere presence. I think of the thief on the cross who sucumbed to Christ in his own last moments.


And I think once again to myself, "Who the heck am I to pass judgement?" Am I too fixated on her past that I cannot consider a turning of the heart? Today she is helping save the lives of abandoned children in a third world country, risking her own life to do something noble. What am I doing?


I have no idea where she stands spiritually. The article made no reference, nor was it important to the story at hand.

But back to the title: "Angels of a Lower Flight". It took me a few minutes to disect this. In a way, her title is a self-admonishment of her past. It's telling in a way that she self-judges herself as not being adequate to soar high with the angels we all think of in a stereotypical way. Her implied acknowledgement of being a former Playmate within the title itself describes a belief that she is tarnished....as we all are.

I think of being rewarded for our earthly works one day. My score-card is more or less non-exsistant, yet this former 'model', if indeed saved today, is a more noble person than I. I self-admitedly have a hard time with people, I even once said I despise people anymore in general. While that was said out of frustration, I cannot say it doesn't hold some truth for me sometimes. And here she is.

I'm not sure where my thought process may sit with some of you who read this. I am not condoning her past. But then again, I cannot condone mine either. All I can say at this moment in time we all fail, we all do something not-pleasing to God, and some of us continue to do so. And then we judge others without judging ourselves, and forget that only God knows the final score. And that Susie Scott Krabacher is a better example of being a compassionate and caring person than I am.

A lesson in Forgiveness

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." - (Matthew 6:14-15)



I learned some interesting news yesterday regarding someone who had quite a negative impact on me, and it affected me differently today than it would have a year ago.



When I lost my job unexpectedly14 months ago, I cannot help and look back and believe my former manager had a direct involvement in my departure. This person ascended to his managerial position as it was vacated by someone else who had just left the company. What was supposed to be a temporary position for him until a new manager could be interviewed and installed ended up being my new manager by proxy as time went on and no interviews ever took place.



Unfortunately since day one, I always noted some friction between us and it only got worse over time. Clearly our relationship had almost developed to adversarial proportions and it was sensed by many. Despite numerous attempts to lay low and go with the flow, some intentional acts and ridiculous suggestions and inferences directed my way raised my boiling point.



On at least two separate occasions I had to 'take a walk' around the building lest I succumb to violent tendencies and so something I definitely would have regretted. Thankfully my cooler head would prevail, but the animosity in my heart grew and festered and turned ugly despite how often I prayed about the situation.



Over the course of his reign over me, looking back it definitely had taken its toll on me spiritually and emotionally. I say spiritually because even though I wasn't the best practicing Christian, something inside my soul was always in conflict with his belief system. What was once a fun place to work, now seemed like a challenge to get through the day. I literally lost sleep at times over my stress and anxiety, and I got angrier at the whole situation as Human Resources and upper-management had received numerous complaints from customers, vendors, and fellow employees regarding his antics and yet chose to do nothing.



When I was summarily released, I carried a toxic venom in my heart for weeks, if not months on end. I often confided in my wife that if God was not in my heart at all and if I wasn't afraid of a criminal record, I would have let my fists do the talking the next time I ran into him. I'm ashamed to say I had very un-christian thoughts in regards to him.



About 7 months ago I found out he had cancer. While this didn't erase all my negative thoughts, I was sympathetic towards him and his family. He was someones husband, and also a father of two children, and I would never wish a child to see a parent suffer a grave illness. Perhaps this was the beginning of the softening of my heart. Though I could still not find the courage within me to call and wish him a well recovery.



His cancer is in remission now as I have learned a few months back, but yesterday he was terminated by my former employer.



This information has resulted in a strange pattern of thoughts I have been having the last 24 hours. Where as a year ago I secretly coveted his demise and would have let my hatred give myself brief, although misguided pleasure, today I feel quite differently. While I cannot say I am sorry that he was terminated, I also find my anger and negative feelings I once felt aren't really there anymore. In fact, I wondered last night how he was doing? How was his family to react? Are there medical bills still outstanding? Has he found Christ yet?



You see, somewhere down the line I think I forgave him. While I never understood why this man had me singled out from day one, gave me such a hard time on everything, caused me nothing but grief while I was still there, I've come to realize today that God has provided for me. That this whole ordeal I went through....this was just a part of the lesson God was trying to teach me....the concept of forgiveness. Not only to forgive those that had wronged me, but to also forgive myself.



As Matthew states in the verses above, when I applied forgiveness to this man and let go of my hearts hardening towards him, it was then I realized that God had provided me a new job, a new heart, and a ball of corrupted emotions was no longer prevalent within my soul. God forgave me through His compassion and His mercy.



Thank you Jesus for teaching me this, though the lesson was a few years in the making.

The Art of Submission - one viewpoint

Yesterday I received yet another powerful message that seemed to mimic my life from church yesterday. It was in regards to submission. I think most Christians, if polled on submissions, would most likely cite the verse in which "wives are to submit to their husbands", and I think most men would argree that there are inferences that men should subit to their wives in many manners as well.

But do we submit in all facets in our lives? Do we submit to our children when they need encouragment and love? Do we submit to our neighbors when they are shouldering burdens and they need to built up? Do we submit to our co-workers and even our boss for the 'right' reasons and not because we are more worried about keeping our jobs?

It was pointed out that Jesus has a radical way of teaching unkown to man as a concept before. Men of the world rule through selfish means. It is a jockeying of position of puttings ones own interests in front of others in order to climb to the tob. Power came through strength, war, manipulation. Leaders often led through 'might is right', or by instilling fear in their subjects and their enemies.

Christ turned this way of thinking on its head through the teaching of 'submission'. That we could become respected leaders if we submitted through humility, through grace, through love.

After my first shoulder surgery, I did not subit to the doctors or my wife's advice. As soon as I could, I returned to the gym, and began to push myself....to return to my old ways. To recapture the muscle I had lost and the imposing features I once had that were now turning soft. I did not submit God's course of healing, and the result was doing additional damage and requiring a second operation that I could have avoided.

When I was unemployed, I did not submit. I did not trust in God and Christ to take care of me, even though they were going to anyway. I was angry at the 'world', I was angry at my formal employers, I was angry the cliches, I was angry that people were no longer calling me. I fought back in my own way. It was my problem, and 'I' was going to fix it. I did not submit that maybe this was God's will and that he had something else in mind for me. It may not pay as much, but the stress was something I could shoulder and allow my broken spirit, my broken body, and my broken mind to repair itself.

In my marriage, I don't always submit. We are both headstrong in certain areas and I'll admit sometimes my wife's logic in manners are hers alone, something I may never understand, and thus has caused grief and strains on our relationship. Submission here is much trickier and is a constant ebb and flow when emotions, finances, spiritual attunement, step children, bad habits are involved. I have learned to submit overtime in certain areas, and try and dig-in in others. But knowing whether I am submitting in the right areas is not always easy, especially when I am immature in the Word.

And finally, I think just as hard as it is in learning submission in marriage (and I can go on and on about that), was learning submission in the face of depression. When I was first told to seek counseling I did not want to submit. I finally did, but for the wrong reasons....to get my wife off my back was the primary reason. When I saw a shrink and he told me I was bi-polar and thought I was ADHD, I did not want to submit either. The first thing I thought was 'no-way, not me...you're telling me my head is not right and crazy'. The first time I took medications to regulate my brain chemistry, it took a lot for me to submit. I recall staring in the mirror and looking for signs (as if it were possible) of depression as if it would apear as a scar or a bruise before I would unscrew the caps of my bottles and take my first pills.

Overall, I think the hardest part of submission was submission to God the Father himself. I had always been a fixer, a fixer of my own problems. And now, everything was out of control and I could never get a firm grip. The harder I tried, the more thing would slip between my fingers. My marriage was shakey, my body was broken, my anger towards people was at an all time high, I was unemployed, I wanted to drink, I wanted to know why the chemicals within my head were off kilter, I wanted people to shut up, and for everytime I cried, I sank deeper and deeper and deeper. I won't lie to you....personal death was creeping into my psyche as a plausible option. The though of eternal rest was soubnding better and better as each day passed.

I can't really say what exact hour God finally broke through to me. I had thought I was a Christian for many years prior, but my faith was really helping up until this point. I know I broke down in front of an elder at my church, and I allowed him to take me off to an unoccupied room where I let it all go. And boy did I. I unloaded. I spoke volumes. I described everything I was thinking, and to this mans credit, he did not flinch when certain raw emotions and language came out between the sobs. And when it was over, there I was, exhausted. No more energy to shed another tear. I was a 5'11", 220 lb ball of spent meat and I could care less.

Then he prayed for me.

And sometime during this I submitted. I submitted to God and to Jesus Christ. I realized and I admitted I could no longer fix myself. I sat there for quite awhile and began to re-collect myself. I can't say it has always been roses from that point on, but it was the definitive moment. If I allowed myself to sink any lower at this point, I sometimes wonder if I would seriously be here right now writing this. However, once I allowed God to take over I began to view life somewhat differently. That was 1 year ago this month.

A lot has changed this past year. Not all of it has been hunky dory, and there are indeed times I take a stumble and certain emotions creep back in. My wife and I still argue as married couples are apt to do. I still have the occasional run ins with peers at my 'new' job, but overall, things are indeed much better. And a lot of that has comes through by means of submission.

God makes a covenant with animals

"And in that day will I make a covenant for them with the beasts of the field and with the fowls of heaven, and with the creeping things of the ground: and I will break the bow and the sword and the battle out of the earth, and will make them lie down safely" (Hosea 2:18)

I'm not really positive on all the interpretations man has come up with in regards to animals in the bible, and more specifically animals in heaven. I suppose the bible was meant for us, as the guidebook for humans and our salvation and not really a book regarding the summation of His other creations such as animals. There aren't too many verses in the bible that talk about animals in too much detail, however, there is indeed mention of animals present in heaven both today and in the end times.

But will these be our beloved pets?

I don't know, and it saddens me to a certain extent that it isn't that clear for us as far as the bible contends. Over the years, I have asked others, both practicing believers and not and I'd say all the answers depending on where you stand in your faith seem to be pretty evenly divided.

Yesterday I spoke of death, and how terrified I am of it. I guess I'm scarred that even though I believe I am 'saved', I also sometimes question my own faith, especially when I am depressed and sad, and I truly wonder if I will indeed make it into heaven. Many people of faith say that as long as you accept Christ, and you mean it, that you are indeed saved. Perhaps in my mind (and therefor my hesitancy on faith and in man) I still think this is 'too good to be true'. I keep being told about God's grace, His mercy, His love, His promise to us.....

But all I think of at times is that I am not worthy, I am a sinner, I am wretched, there are others more deserving, more faithful, more loving, more 'righteous'.

Then I think about animals. Do they have a soul? Any owner of a dog or a cat will say 'Yes!'...I know I do. But where does God draw, if any, the line? Do insects have souls? Do fish? Do reptiles?

I don't know, nor do I think anyone does for sure.

My dog, is the love of my life. Dare I say sometimes more so than my best friends? Sometimes my wife? I feel guilty at times because of this. But I really do know the experience of unconditional love, and I so want to believe this is just a taste of God's love for each one of us. If so, then I hope and pray and desire He extends this same love to all his creations, including my dog.

My dog is my little boy. Last year when I was at my worst. When I was popping pills left and right, and looking at the bottle of booze, and wanting to run away from life, my marriage, my day to day routines, it was my dog who kept me level headed and stopped me from hitting rock bottom. God also intervened, but it was my dog who looked at me everyday and loved me no matter what state of mind I was (and occasionally still experience) in.

I've been a small roller coaster this last week or so. I've only had one Clonapen a week back when I was upset with my wife, and like I said, the thought of death has been permeating my mind as of late.

This morning I was reminded again how precious life can be at times, well at least for our pets. My little man was so excited to see me this morning, and sat on my lap as I had a cup of coffee, and wanted to play with me. And he was sad when I left for work. He was sad enough that it made me wish I could call in sick today and spend the day with him, to let him know how much he means to me.

And then I know one day he will be gone, and that I will be devastated. But I want to give him everything that I can and make sure he is healthy and loved and cared for. He gives me purpose at times, and it is my way of repayment to him. Some of you may think I'm off my rocker....that I'm putting my dog before my friends and my family. Well, sadly this probably is indeed the case at times. Like I said yesterday...I have no children of my own, no brothers or sisters, and my wife and I are still figuring out 'our' love for each other. There is no question when it comes to my dog. Lord knows, I hope I have plenty of pills that day...the day when he passes on.

I hope that God does have a special place for pets and animals. In dog and cat families you hear of the 'rainbow bridge', where pets play all day long and they are healthy, and cared for under Christs pleasing eyes. I hope so. For while in my book people are a lost cause, our family pets are not, and I look forward to that day when I am reunited with him in heaven if God so allows.

A step forward

It is interesting, (at least to me), what a difference a week can make or some effort on one partner's behalf to put some hope back into things.



Last week, I was a bit frustrated with my wife, and I can only guess she was a little frustrated with me. We are both headstrong people, who feel 'right' in the moment. However, as time passes and cooler heads prevail, I often find myself the one who can admit his own faults and try to correct them for the better. Sometimes I really mean it, other times, not so much, but I try and look at the big picture. And if the big picture requires me to eat a little crow once in a while, so be it. I learned through many years of self-induced anguish, that being 'right' isn't always so important.



A lesson my wife still needs to learn in my opinion.



So last Friday we went to a 'couples' class sponsered by a local church to speak about communication issues. It wasn't necessarily what I was hoping for or what I expected, but it did help. Sometimes I wonder why my wife is more responsive to a third party pointing something out to her than when I point out the exact same thing. When I do it, I am being accusatory or nit-picky, or whatever. When someone else does it, it is 'somewhat' recognized and digested by her. But I suppose it's better she realizes it from someone, if at least its not going to be me.



The course/discussion was 2 hours long, and raised some interesting questions that even after 4 years of marriage, I think we both realized we didn't reallyy know the true answers. Such as: 1) What are your dreams? 2) What is 'your' history? and a few others. I guess we had some slight ideas, maybe a very broad picture, but never really knew what each others dreams, hobbies, history truly was.



After the course we had a late dinner, and it was very nice. It was like when we were dating. We actually spoke about things and I at least vowed internally to put some of the courses ideas into action. How long I can perpetuate these ideas into actions, and if my wife will do the same....time can only tell. But Friday night was a 'good' night.



Saturday we got along fine, but did our own chores about the house, and she went out to a girls birthday party that evening. I hung out with the neighbors, but was in relatively early and enjoyed some alone time in front of the TV with my dog.



Sunday I decided I would 'test' some of the points made in class. I decided to take my wife out shopping and in the car I asked her about her dreams and hobbies. While I did know some of the answers, I suppose I was surprised by a few others and asked why she didn't do some of the thinsg she wanted, and what could I do to see that a few of them could be met. I just listened and I made suggestions, very conscious of staying neutral. All in all, it went very well, and I conceded to a few of her points and will make some changes shortly...and I'm actually okay with them.



In the end she seemed happier, and I too admit I was a bit happier. And best of all, at least for the last few days, she has been very civil and generous to me in return. I hope it lasts. I continue to pray to that she will become closer to God and maybe attend church with me more often. Not only for her sake, but mine as well. Even though things seem like they may be getting better in my marriage, my faith at times and my own self doubts still silenty shake me to my core.



I really am bad when I am alone for too long. Despite all the recent progress, other thoughts plague me and secretely depress me. I've been thinking about death a lot again lately. Not just my own, but that of my wife, and my parents, and grandparents....and I truly question if I will see them in heaven let alone myself in heaven some day. I'm sure it's the enemy trying to impede my faith and growth with God, but I secretly am terrified.

Sometimes I pray that the Lord will take me before my wife. I don't think I'd fare very well with that type of loneliness later on. I have a step-daughter, who doesn't live with us anylonger, and while I know my step-daughter may 'like' me, I know I can never achieve the same sort of affectiosn she gives her natural father. At times I cannot help but feel she looks to me as if I am just some grown up baby sitter. I fear that if my wife passes before me, my step-daughter will drift away soon never to contact or check up on me. With no brothers or sisters or children of my own, I see myself dying alone in a home were only the neighbors or a bill collector discovers me from either the smell or the some other sign that something is askew.

I know that sounds horribly morbid, but I really can't control my thoughts and wonder why they plague me. Why do these thoughts take hold within my head and drive me to tears at times? I seriously think there is something wrong with me at times, as I can't help shake feeling so alone despite my current family and friends. Some one say enjoy everyday, every moment now, but I can't help but be realistic in knowing that someday these things will be removed from my life without my say and I am terrified of that day getting closer and closer with every hour that passes on the clock.

A step back

"Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to those who by nature are not gods. But now that you know God—or rather are known by God—how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable principles? Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again? You are observing special days and months and seasons and years! I fear for you, that somehow I have wasted my efforts on you." (Galations 4: 8 -11)

It seems my emotions have gotten the better of me the last 24 hours. Emotions of frustration, self-pity, envy, anger, hopelessness, aloneness. Emotions that are all too familiar with my past. This morning alone I felt my eyes well up with tears twice, quick enough to wipe them away before anyone noticed. Thoughts in my head are strong, and negative, and corrupting any peace I have recently felt. It feels like depression and I wonder how long before this will pass.

It was a long day yesterday. My wife and I were very distant. We covered it up later in the evening with trivial small talk, I assume both of us testing the waters, but my mind was not happy. And is the norm in our relationship, my wife doesn't apologize. It's never her fault. I often wonder if she is even aware of her hurtful ways, and if she is, does her own pride stop her from seeking reconciliation. Or is it me? Am I over sensitive? Too self analytical for my own good.

There is a divide between us, and I'm not sure how it started this time. I miss my wife, but I tire of feeling I am the one that always tries to make the first steps to mend fences, especially for the ones I don't believe I caused to crumble.

And thus my thoughts turn inward and selfish and begin to feed my secular desires and memories. I sat there last night on the couch, apart from the woman I chose to be my wife in front of the altar of God, and I wished I was no longer married. A though I am having more and more frequently. Being single was easier. Perhaps just as lonely, but lonely in different aspects. The burdens of the heart and mind can be overly complex, and at times I don't wish to take part in this complexity....to guess what she is thinking, to figure out what the 'issue' of the day is now. My thoughts jump ahead one week, one month, one year, 5 years, 10 years and more. Can I continue to lead this house, to study His word, to attend church and to love Christ, only to come home and be continually disappointed and frustrated?

The little things get under my skin. We were going to try and have kids, but she put a stop to that until 'I' got better. She was going to stop smoking, but I see her smoke more than ever now with the neighbors. She wanted to attend bible study at one point, but I gave up after 100 offers. She buys diet book after diet book, and yet she never cracks their spines.

My intimate thoughts drift elsewhere now. I notice women on the television more and more. I notice spiritual women at my church, and at work, and at the gym. New life's and relationships cultivate in my head....and then I am wracked with guilt. I made a promise to God. To love and to hold, from this day forward, until death do us part.

Yet, I feel dead myself inside. Trapped. Alone.

I felt the paigns of stress in my chest last night. Tighter and tighter. I poured a glass of wine....which I usually don't drink, and I drank. I went to my medicine cabinet and snuck a pill. Clonapen. It is meant for my panic attacks, to be a chemically induced tranquilizer. It took a half hour to kick in, but even with such a small dosage I begin to feel it affects. It's my secret tonight. I let my thoughts melt away. I remember eventually walking to our bedroom, but no recollection of crawling into bed, let alone falling asleep.

We didn't say goodbye to each other this morning. I really didn't want to.

Ever seem like you can't win?

Today seemed like it started okay, but then my wife and I had a small 'episode' this morning at 7:45.

See, I get the mail every day and usually place the mail in one of two places: either the kitchen counter or the kitchen table. I take my bills out and pay them, she takes her bills out and pays hers.

This morning she opened one of the utility bills and noticed it was twice the normal amount and asked me why. I took a look and noticed that last months wasn't paid, hence the "past amount due" for 1/2 the price.

Before I knew it, it was my fault it didn't get paid. Why you ask? Because she never saw the bill from last month. I was then told I never put the mail in the same place. She was infuriated, made her faces, turned her back on me, walked away and slammed the door.

I just stood there for a second. Excuse my language, but what the H-E- double hockey sticks just happened? Why am I the bad guy to be on the receiving end of her ill attitude and apparant disgust and anger because the bill wasn't paid on time?

I got in my car and began to drive to work, but I didn't make it more than 2 blocks before I picked up my cell phone an called home. She picked up.

"Yes?" she answered.....great, one word....I can see this is going to be fun.

"What was that all about? Why is this my fault? Why are you angry?" I inquired, feeling my own temper beginning to escalate.

"I'm not angry."

"You could have fooled me. You shook your at me, turned your back on me and walked away and slammed the door as I was talking."

"You misread me?"

"Huh? How could I have misread that? Then what is the matter?"

"You never put the mail in the same place."

"What? I pick up the mail and I either put in on the kitchen counter or the kitchen table. What. Do you think I select which bills I decide to show you and which one I don't. Do you think I secret away bills to the bathroom, the bedroom, and segregate them in to piles I randomly place about the house?"

"I didn't say that."

"No, but explain to me why I just received that treatment? If you pay the bill every month, and you notice you don't pay one for a while, did you think that maybe the utility company decided to give us a freebie? Did it occur to you maybe the bill got lost? Maybe either you or I accidently threw it away? The service hasn't been turned off....What's the difference if you paid it last month on time, or double now?...it's the same amount."...I was on roll now and feeling my anger mounting. You're going to complain to me about a bill that's late that amounts to $100? I thought. Here, you can take the $2500 mortgage payment I make every month.

She was silent a second and then re-iterated she wasn't mad at me. Yeah...right...okay....because you always come out in your bathrobe in the garage, quiz me on a bill, shake your head, stomp away, and slam the door without saying good-bye.

I don't know why, but right now I am angry. I'm angry that she got angry with me, from what my perspective is totally ludicrous, uncalled for, and illogical.

Lord, why do I allow these things to get under my skin, especially between myself and my wife. I need to pray to shake the small stuff, to let go, to find peace in this....but right now I can't. I need to forgive her and I need forgiveness as well. It was a simple oversight; the whole matter easily rectified and can be taken care of. Why was I a target this morning? Why did I feel the need to bite back? Why am I letting this fester in my mind? Jesus, please take this from me.