Showcase Showdown

My anxiety is starting to mount once again.  In approx. 48 hours from now I will be meeting with my wife and our respective lawyers for the first time to 'attempt' to hash out a settlement before it order to avaoid going to court.

The last time I actually had a conversation with my wife was a series of emails between us just over a month ago when I informed her I would be filing my taxes separetly.  As you know, she didn't take to kindly to this as she expected me to pay (surprise) for her preperation, and possibly be awarded a portion of any return I was going to receive.  Whereas I tried to politely explain, more than once, that our tax man advised me against filing jointly due to her inability to cough up a W2 or 1099 for her cash only job, she (as usual) escalated her anger towards me stating that I was trying to 'screw' her. 

I don't expect my wife to play nice at all.  I understand that her lawyer is trying to get the 'most' she possibly can for her client, but she's also asking for the moon, the stars, and the sky.  My lawyer says this won't fly and her counters have all been lofty and unrealistic, but since I've never been through this before, I have no idea what to expect or believe for that matter.

Since then, it's been silent.  And not just on her part either.  My lawyer isn't the most communicative guy around and with less than 48 hours to go, I find myself having to call him up and ask both when and where we are supposed to meet.  I also have to inquire what doucments I should be bringing, and more importantly (at least to me), what our strategy is?  I don't want to be blind-sided by my wife, or be put on the spot about financial matters or the like.  I need to know, for my own sanity, where my lawyer and I plan on drawing the line.  I'd kinda like to know our goal on what we are willing to accept, what we are going to throw out, and the stuff inbetween before I show up.  Especially since I have to take a personal day at work and use vacation time to settle this.

I also have to really put my trust in the Lord with all this, and I wish I could say I was feeling more confident about everything.

For the most part my tears have now stopped.  It has taken a whole year for that to happen, but I still think about this everyday.  I still think about: 1) Where did I go wrong, 2) Why didn't I see the signs earlier when everyone else did, 3) Could I have done anything different, and 4) Why Lord, why me?

The only good news I've had recently is a few people had previously written me off have been slowly letting me back in.  On the flipside of that though, yet other 'friends' have written me off due to her lies and playing the 'victim' card, without once asking my side of things.  Even after a year, I am still  figuring out who my 'real' friends are, and who were just my friends because I was throwing a BBQ at my house and had a place to drink beer.  That really saddens me....people whom I genuinly liked, have shut me down and out of their lives.  And all the while I still hear the occasional 'nutty' rumor in reagards to me which has no base in reality.

One of my best friends actually said something somewhat complimentary to me in regards to his own wife and her thoughts.  Unbeknownst to me, my friend had said his own wife never really thought much of my wife, and the only reason they ever came over to my house was so she could hang out with the guys.  She thought my wife could be a little curt, aggressive, and mean spirited when drinking and didn't care much for sme of the things she saw and heard.....I did not know that.  And just last week another 'mutual' friend told me that in hindsight, all things being the same, that my wife just liked to pick fights in general...that she liked to surround herself with drama.  I did not ask for his insights on my marriage...he just offered them up, which in a demented way, also makes me feel better...that I wasn't making all this up in my head, that other people saw it as well, but just chose to keep their mouths shut so they didn't upset either her or me.

Now the toughest, (and continuing), roughest part is in trusting and putting my faith in the God I worship and love that I give this over to Him to have my best interests at heart.  To continue to work on me to allow me to heal, to forgive, to not be taken adavnatge of any longer, to move on, and continue to pray that she also finds it in her own heart to relax, not to be prideful, not to be stubborn, and that she will find her own sense of happiness instead of dragging me and everyone else around her down because she's not happy with herself but just can't comes to terms and acceptance of that fact.

A late start to 2013

The past couple of years I've been able to both create and hold fast to my New Years resolutions.  Starting new hobbies, getting involved in community activities or clubs, going places, and even losing weight.

The toughest part has been able to maintain a certain weight once I slough it off.  Not that I am a horrible eater/  I don't eat a lot of candy or drink soda (probably why I still have never had a cavity at my age), occasionally eat fast food (I like Del Taco and Taco Bell in a pinch), and lead a 'somewhat' active lifestyle...although I don't hit the gym as much as I used to. 

See I like my craft beers (a weekend indulgence), cooking with sauces, gorging on BBQ and other carbs, and have been finding it harder and harder to get motivated to excercise now that I am on my own.  I have so many weekend chores to do, that I have to decide to give up actual 'fun' things to do, or hit the gym now.

When my wife left me last year, I didn't have to worry about excercise.  The misery and pain of the experience was enough to diminish my appetite enough that I was losing weight without doing anything.  At one point I was down to about 210 lbs., lighter than I was when I got married (which was 216 by the way). 

A year has gone by, and during that time I put my weight back on, and then a few extra.  I really started to notcie that my pants where feeling tight again.  Seems I carry all my weight exactly at my waistline.  I got up to a previous weight of 227.6. 

While 227 is not 'fat' for my stature and overall size, I dread the fact I was creeping up on a barrier I have never crossed before: 230lbs.  Keep in mind I'm 5'10" and above average in the muscular department....but I'm not getting any younger (so says my graying hair).

I wanted to get past my birthday and Easter and try to make a clean start....again.  Just so happened that Easter was March 31st, so that gave April 1st, a Monday no less, a good starting point.

My neighbor was actually an inspiration to me, and a wake up call to my own feelings of envy.  See, my neighbor who is a few years older than me has been overweight for sometime.  Standing at about 5'7" he looked much older than he actually was.  Not that he himself was morbidly obese, but he likes to drink, and had that stereotypical 'beer gut' all men dread.  I mean it really looked odd on him.  He constantly looked pregant at 46 years of age, a huge basketball shape under his t-shirts.  For years, he always had a beer in his hand, or some sort of vodka or run drink.

He was borderline diabetic and on high blood pressure medication.  And although he surfed, rode a bike around the neighborhood, and even skateboarded, it wasn't enough excerise to combat all the empty calories he was drinking.

I believe someone in his family passed sometime late last year, or had a heart-attack or some other health condition that gave him his own wakeup call.  Longstory short, he weaned himself off casual drinking and increased his excerise and with 6 months, had dropped 55lbs!  He posted a picture of himself right around Easter on Facebook and he looked great!  I believe he's even off his blood pressure medication and moved off the diabetic watch list.

Looking at his picture was motivation for me (again) to re-kickstart my own diet.  As a single guy who wants to date again, I guess it would be advantageous for me to take better care of myself.  It doesn't hurt my cause either that I just saw a picture of my wife from Easter with her family, and she looks a little worn herself and put on a few pounds again.

So, although its only been roughly 9 days, I'm already down about 2.5 lbs.  No ice cream, candy, or beer in my house (although there is whisky).  I've been drinking water, ice tea (no sugar), Perrier, black coffee, and 0 calorie flavored waters.  It's hard for me to cut dairy (I love cheese, and butter), but my intake of veggies is way up again, and I'm forcing myself to monitor my portions and hit the gym a bit more.

I'm hoping that when I meet with my lawyer next Wed with my wife and her lawyer, I'll be down a few more lbs.  I'm even planning a three day trip at the end of the month with some friends and would be jazzed that I may be in better shape than them.  Yeah, that's somewhat narcasstic and vain, but I'd like to think of it as a confidence boost to my own ego in addition to actualized health benefits.

I'm looking forward to once this crap is over (with my wife) so I can re-start my life.  It seems I've been in limbo this past year, being reserved and whatnot so that I don't bring any undue attention to myself since I'm still 'married' by law.  I want to get out and meet new people, do new things, re-discover who I was 10 years ago before I lost my spine, my confidence, and became repressed and reserved under her rule of thumb (which I allowed and have no one to blame but myself for being a  coward for so long).

Speaking of being a coward, I willa dmit I am not looking forward to next Wed.  I haven't spoken to or interacted with my wife in about 5 weeks now.  I've heard a few rumors that she is having people watch me, but "Oh well", I'm not doing anything wrong nor am I spreading any untruths.  I just need to keep reminding myself that she brough this on herself.  This was her doing, not mine.  And  that she hasn't changed, or changed enough to be taken seriously...

So here's to hoping that by the end of this month I'm finally going to turn things around for myself for a change and not be shackled by the verbal and emotional garbage I've been cowering from for so long.