The last few days has given me yet more stuff to think about and try and put into some sort of perspective, especially on how it all fits into God's plan for me.
Once again finances have been a bit tight. Every paycheck between now and the forseeable future (after the first of the year) is pretty much spoken for. For the first time in a long time I had to dip into my reserves (read: savings for a rainy day I set up after I lost my last job a few years ago) to pay some mounting bills. Nothing too earth shattering, but it's all about timing....see, towards the end of the year some additional bills come into play all at once: homeowners insurance, car tags/registration, property tax and finally of course, the holidays.
Sure enough, the bills all came this last week, and I can't pay them all right now. I'll have to stagger them every two weeks when I receive another paycheck, but it literally leaves me nothing left. The disposable income I do have only ends up putting gas in my car, paying the toll road charges, and maybe a little left over for an occasional Friday lunch with my coworkers.
It depresses me. Once again another year has gone by where we can't take a vaction for more than 3 days at a time and local, I can't really afford to buy any new clothes for work, fancy lunches (I've been brown bagging the same generic meat sandwich and drinking water for a few weeks now), or Christmas presents again this year. Which also means, I can't buy myself any luxury items for myself, make repairs on the house, having to turn down evenings out with friends or God forbid any other emergencies that may crop up. It sucks and I don't really see any way out of it for at least two years (until my car is paid off), or I get a second job on top of my regular 8-5 job now, plus home chores, taking care of the dog, etc. I don't want to have to go to my parents or anyone else, but the budget is razor thin right now.
And I don't know how people do it. I know for a fact there are people out there in worse positions than us. Guy across the street lost his job about a month ago, and his neighbor has been out of work for almost three months and now the house is going into foreclosure. I spoke to my grandfather the other day and he told me about 'real' hard times....times where he slept in his car for weeks because he had nowhere to live and jobs where scarce...so who am I to complain?
As if that wasn't bad enough, I elt really humbled last night. Our other neighbors gave birth to twins yesterday. Of course I am happy for them and wish them all the best. But I can't help but feeling a bit selfish and envious that they had kids and we didn't. I so despretely wanted to be a father...to raise my own child or children...and it pretty much isn't going to happen and that saddens me. My step daughter doesn't live with us, and soon she'll be 18 and already has plans to move on with her life...and it's not like we have much of a relationship to begin with.
To have this constant reminder next door that they have children and I don't is going to be a challenge for me. Last night when I found out, it more or less silenced me and after that I really wasn't in the mood to talk and ended up having a drink and going to be early.
It's raining outside today as well, and I stare out the window with my crappy lunch, a little chilly, sitting at my desk at a job I don't really like all that much wondering yet again, "Why God?, Why?"
October 14, 2009
October 07, 2009
All creatures large and small
I had a very humbling experience yesterday that has really been weighing on my soul and instantly made me look deep and hard into my own being.
When I got home from work yesterday I began my usual ritual of suiting up my dog and take him for a walk around the neighborhood.
It was a brisk fall afternoon yesterday at 5:30pm so I quickened my pace up a bit to try and get home a bit faster than usual and get my blood circulating a bit.
On the round trip back home from our usual route, I happened to look down and saw what I thought was a dead rat. Like most people, I conjured up images of filthy vermin...disease carriers...gross and dirty and icky. And I thought it was dead.
Upon closer examination, the rat was not dead, but close to dying. I saw no physical trauma from a spring trap or cat, and figured it was most likely poisoned or near the end of its natural life. It was laying on its side, prone, but I did see its chest rising and falling very slowly, clearly its breathing being labored and I knew it was just a matter of time.
But then I began to wonder how long was this rat had been lying here. Minutes? Hours? Half a day? And how much longer did it have left? Would it make it through the night and pass in the cold air? Would a night time cat or carrion bird wander by and finish it off? Was it in pain?
My goodness, all these questions just bombarded me in mere seconds and I really struggled as to what the right thing to do was. Do I kill it and end its suffering? Or do I let nature take its course? I eventually decided to let nature take its course, for I just couldn't bring my self to stomp on it and its life. I felt bad for it because perhaps this creature, a creation of God, was indeed in pain and suffering from a lingering poison or other ailment. I doubt it would survive the night and for the first time I saw this vermin in a different light.
It was no longer a disease carrying rodent who lived on trash and could cause no good. It was a living and breathing animal, who had made this greenbelt its home...doing only what it was preprogrammed to do from creation. Whether or not it has a 'soul' as we biblically define what a soul should be, it was born and lived and tried to survive. And here I was with my dog, whom I love dearly, walking back to my warm home and will eentually crawl into my clean and warm bed. It really bothered me...and as you can tell...still does.
Someday I will have to put my dog down, and I fear and loathe that future date. I know I will need medication of the highest order that day. And again, I thought of my own mortality....will I die alone with no kids and wife by my side?
I can only hope that God does indeed have a plan for all his creation...including rats.
When I got home from work yesterday I began my usual ritual of suiting up my dog and take him for a walk around the neighborhood.
It was a brisk fall afternoon yesterday at 5:30pm so I quickened my pace up a bit to try and get home a bit faster than usual and get my blood circulating a bit.
On the round trip back home from our usual route, I happened to look down and saw what I thought was a dead rat. Like most people, I conjured up images of filthy vermin...disease carriers...gross and dirty and icky. And I thought it was dead.
Upon closer examination, the rat was not dead, but close to dying. I saw no physical trauma from a spring trap or cat, and figured it was most likely poisoned or near the end of its natural life. It was laying on its side, prone, but I did see its chest rising and falling very slowly, clearly its breathing being labored and I knew it was just a matter of time.
But then I began to wonder how long was this rat had been lying here. Minutes? Hours? Half a day? And how much longer did it have left? Would it make it through the night and pass in the cold air? Would a night time cat or carrion bird wander by and finish it off? Was it in pain?
My goodness, all these questions just bombarded me in mere seconds and I really struggled as to what the right thing to do was. Do I kill it and end its suffering? Or do I let nature take its course? I eventually decided to let nature take its course, for I just couldn't bring my self to stomp on it and its life. I felt bad for it because perhaps this creature, a creation of God, was indeed in pain and suffering from a lingering poison or other ailment. I doubt it would survive the night and for the first time I saw this vermin in a different light.
It was no longer a disease carrying rodent who lived on trash and could cause no good. It was a living and breathing animal, who had made this greenbelt its home...doing only what it was preprogrammed to do from creation. Whether or not it has a 'soul' as we biblically define what a soul should be, it was born and lived and tried to survive. And here I was with my dog, whom I love dearly, walking back to my warm home and will eentually crawl into my clean and warm bed. It really bothered me...and as you can tell...still does.
Someday I will have to put my dog down, and I fear and loathe that future date. I know I will need medication of the highest order that day. And again, I thought of my own mortality....will I die alone with no kids and wife by my side?
I can only hope that God does indeed have a plan for all his creation...including rats.
October 02, 2009
Good day
I've been looking at my last few posts, and I'll admit...there does seem to be a lot of doom and gloom lately.......So, I thought I'd share some uplifting feelings for once...
Today is actually a good day. I'm not on any medication, and despite going to bed at midnight and getting up at about 6:45am this morning, I feel somewhat relaxed and refreshed today.
I had an excellent lunch of BBQ Tritip with some spicy BBQ sauce, some Barq's rootbeer, a piece of blueberry cornbread, and overall I feel somewhat relaxed. Work hasn't been too demanding today, and I also got invited to a surprise bday party tonight for a neighbors boyfriend taht both my wife and I will attend.
Despite getting yet another unexpected bill in the mail yesterday (car tags) which I have no idea yet how I'm going to pay, and the fact my wife came home yeterday to tell me she wants to get involved in some multi-level marketing sheme (I read as pyramid scam....But I can't convince her otherwise), I really do feel okay.
Co-workers have been nice today, joking with me...we've been having some good natured ribbing with each other, and it just seems to be low pressure.
So there,....as of right now, it's been a good day.
Today is actually a good day. I'm not on any medication, and despite going to bed at midnight and getting up at about 6:45am this morning, I feel somewhat relaxed and refreshed today.
I had an excellent lunch of BBQ Tritip with some spicy BBQ sauce, some Barq's rootbeer, a piece of blueberry cornbread, and overall I feel somewhat relaxed. Work hasn't been too demanding today, and I also got invited to a surprise bday party tonight for a neighbors boyfriend taht both my wife and I will attend.
Despite getting yet another unexpected bill in the mail yesterday (car tags) which I have no idea yet how I'm going to pay, and the fact my wife came home yeterday to tell me she wants to get involved in some multi-level marketing sheme (I read as pyramid scam....But I can't convince her otherwise), I really do feel okay.
Co-workers have been nice today, joking with me...we've been having some good natured ribbing with each other, and it just seems to be low pressure.
So there,....as of right now, it's been a good day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)