Headache

I awoke to a minor headache this morning.  I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I accidentally found out that my wife made the four hour plus trek down on Wed. night under the radar and stayed with a friend in a neighboring city so she could attend a night on the town.

Not sure if it was a party, or a birthday dinner, or girls night out, or whatever.  I suppose it really doesn't matter.  The fact is she came down and for someone who claims to "Miss me" and "doesn't want a divorce" once again proved to me (this should be ingrained in my head by now, but somehow isn't) where her priorities are.

It's clearly not reconcilation.  Not with me.  Not her sister.  Not her mother.  Not her daughter.

I spoke with them last night.  None of them knew she was down here.  As a matter a fact my daughter told me that her mother and her had a falling out earlier in the week and now they aren't talking to each other.

So the pattern of destruction continues.

Do you know how many times over the course of my marriage I heard her say "Actions speak louder than words."?

Well her actions/inactions (I've used this analogy before) scream to me, but I'm sure sound like muffled giggles to her friends who continue to embrace and coddle her.  "Oh, you're misunderstood." "Your whole family turned their backs on you.  Here have a drink."

I need to write these people off myself.  Why I haven't yet, I don't know.  It's probably because I can secretly keep tabs on my wife whereabouts like what happened yesterday."

No wonder she is demanding her mail be delivered to the neighbor and pressed me on it this week.  She knew she was going to be here. 

So once again this morning, I took all her boxes and put them on the porch....just in case she drives by the house today, she will know that I know she's in town.  I also did not deliver the mail to the neighbor, nor am I.  If she can drive all the way to the area and spend the night at her girlfriends, then she can be a "big girl" and come to the house and grab her crap without involving anyone else.

I am nervous though that the money she pulled out last week from her IRA, and the fact she is down here may mean she is trying to find a lawyer at the 11th hour.  She has today and Monday to respond to my papers, so of course I have paranoia and these are going to be the longest two days.

I awoke once at 2:30 this morning, and although I did eventually fall back asleep it was restless and light.  I never got a good night rest after that.  Spoke with my father this morning.  He is going to walk my dog and spend a little extra time at my house today just in case.

I have a personal therapy session today at 4pm.  I need it today.  I know people are praying for me, and that I have support from various people, but I still feel like I am doing this on my own.  This week I have felt very alone.  I feel like I am in this battle I don't want to be in and there are a lot of spectators cheering me on from the nose bleed section of seats, unable to physically reach out and hand me the proper tools or stand next to me.  I get a few "Atta-boys", but words and hand claps don't really have a tangible affect with me.

Took an aspirin about 1/2 hour ago.  Even had a bowl of oatmeal and two cups of coffee, but I still have a headache.