*Sigh*...I had to prepare a 4 page rough draft and provide to my lawyer a document on "all things fair and equal". In other words a line by line, item by item list of all major/minor appliances, furniture sets, decor, collections, and everything in between on what I think is fair market value, what I am willing to give up, and what I am willing to negotiate for or split 'fairly'.
I am being very liberal, and if my wife is smart, she will not fight me and realize I am actually being more than fair, handing over things to her that I don't really care about or have no energy to squabble over.
The time to do this is now as well, as her funds are dried up, and all things considered probably doesn't have the money to drag this out or want lengthy court costs. If she wants to be petty, argumentative, or vindictive, it's gonna cost her money she just doesn't have.
And I know her parents do not want to store any of her stuff (hence the reason it is still in my garage). So either they will have to capitulate, or she will have to rent a storage unit....an additional cost she cannot afford.
I urged my lawyer to review as soon as possible, contact me with any concerns, additions, subtractions, etc....but that we (I) need to get this show on the road and get this over with. I am entering my 8th month now, and I really need to start my life again.
I need to know what my financial future holds and if I do indeed have to pay alimony, let me start now so I can have it over (4 years) as soon as possible.
My friends and family are encouraging me, standing by me, supporting me. My faith on the spiritual side is a bit more complex....some days are better than others, His will be done. Christmas is only 4 weeks away, so I need to prepare myself for the emotional storm that is ahead of me if Thanksgiving was any indication on how hard things will be.
One day at a time.....One day at a time.
November 29, 2012
November 27, 2012
Thanksgrieving
So this is what the beginning of the holiday season is starting to feel like during a seperation.
It sucks.
Thanksgiving was a little tough for me. It was the first time in 10 years I had not spent with my wifes family. No large meal at tables that seat almost 15+. No nephews. No daughter. It also just happened to be my Mother-in-laws birthday. As much as it hurt to pick up the phone, I went ahead and called her cell phone (she didn't pick up) and left her a Happy Birthday message (I also have received no reply).
While the "no reply" is understandable...I'm a bit dissapointed and hurt on how things have now turned sour on their end (not mine) and I have fallen out of favor despite the fact I'm not the one with the myriad of issues and decades worths of poor decision making.
So I walked my dog, caught up on some taped shows, went to the gym and tried to keep myself as busy as possible until I was to meet my parents at 4pm. By the time 4pm rolled around, I would have already been at my inlaws for a couple of hours, helping my Father-in-law cook as I've done the last 10 years. Now I am at home, alone, sitting idle.
My parents and I went to one of their friends house for Thanksgiving for the first time. It was nice, but it just wasn't the same to me. I was a little quiet and reserved. Despite everyones good intentions and the feast in front of us offered up in love...my mind sometimes drifted elsewhere....to the Thanksgiving I was not at.
But one thought did occur to me (and more than once): I missed my inlaws, my nephews, my daughter, my extended family.....but I didn't so much miss my wife. I didn't miss her smoking, nor did I miss her trying to embarass me with lame (and oft exagerated) stories of the past, or watching her down glass after glass of wine.
I was home by 7:30pm that night, watched a bit more TV, and went to bed.
It was Saturday evening, around 10:45pm that my cell phone rang. I wasn't really thinking when I reached for it, nor did I look at the display, but when I answered after being hypnotized from the TV I realized it was my wife.
She told me once again that she missed me. That her Thanksgiving just wasn't the same without me there. While that was nice to here on one hand, it opened up the wounds that I had experienced just a couple days before, and also reminded me of last years Thanksgiving when my wife had already started a her downward spiral and embarrassed me and herself and our marriage was holding together by a strand.
And as if on cue, the conversation became a 1 way conversation. Where she spoke and I listened, but everytime I tried to say something I was cut off, interupted, or challenged. Yup...she still doesn't get it. She says she does, but deep down, I don't think so. According to her it was everyone elses actions that led to her actions of rebellion (I.E. everybody else made her this way...it's everyone elses fault even though she recognizes she screwed up).
She then changed her story about leaving me. She said it was only meant to be for two weeks, to clear her head. I call B.S. She packed up a hell of a lot more than 2 weeks of clothing and personal items. Items no one would take with them for just 2-weeks if they intended to come back. Hell, I didn't even know where she was for almost the 1st two weeks. And now, after 8 months she tells now tells me it was only to be for 2 weeks? B.S.
Her cash job ends in less than 2 weeks from now. Said she was given notice by the owner her last day would be the end of the month.
She continued to talk for a while, because Lord knows I couldn't get a word in, so I finally just said "I'm hanging up." and I did at 11:45. I was on that phone for 30 minutes, and for 25 of those minutes she did all the talking, saying how she changed, how I'm not giving her a chance, that she misses me, etc., etc. The thing is, I'll admit I started to sway a bit. I started allowing my emotions to rule over logic. I started to rethink everything yet again, my co-dependancy kicking in, and thinking "she can be fixed." I had to get off the phone, especially since she cut me off at every turn. Looking back..that in itself is a sign of zero respect towards me. No there may have been 'surface improvements', but deep down to her it's everyone else's fault, she's not paying her bills, she got let go again from a job.
I cannot ever be sure if she really does love me or if I am just a security blanket to be used and abused and in 6 months to a year from now everything returns to the same 'ole, same 'ole.
The last 8 years in my neighborhood, all the neighbors put their Christmas lights that day after Thanksgiving. We all go out, help each other, have a few beers, and make an afternoon out of it.
This year, only 1 neighbor put his lights up. No one else (even today), and I'm not really in the mood to do it either. Nor am I in the mood to decorate inside. No garland, no lights, no ornaments. It seems like a hassle for just one person...me.
Spoke with my lawyer yesterday. He wants me to start my list of negotiation items, room by room, and have to him by this weekend so he can review and send to her lawyer. My parents want this over. They even offered to pay for a 'mediator' just to move this along and have resolution by February so I can move on with my life. I hear them, and don't want to drag it out longer than I have to as well....but if last night nightmare dream of me and my wife is any indication, my emotions and mental health on all this is still raw. I do well, and then she calls me up...and I'm ruined for the next few days all over again.
Sucks.
It sucks.
Thanksgiving was a little tough for me. It was the first time in 10 years I had not spent with my wifes family. No large meal at tables that seat almost 15+. No nephews. No daughter. It also just happened to be my Mother-in-laws birthday. As much as it hurt to pick up the phone, I went ahead and called her cell phone (she didn't pick up) and left her a Happy Birthday message (I also have received no reply).
While the "no reply" is understandable...I'm a bit dissapointed and hurt on how things have now turned sour on their end (not mine) and I have fallen out of favor despite the fact I'm not the one with the myriad of issues and decades worths of poor decision making.
So I walked my dog, caught up on some taped shows, went to the gym and tried to keep myself as busy as possible until I was to meet my parents at 4pm. By the time 4pm rolled around, I would have already been at my inlaws for a couple of hours, helping my Father-in-law cook as I've done the last 10 years. Now I am at home, alone, sitting idle.
My parents and I went to one of their friends house for Thanksgiving for the first time. It was nice, but it just wasn't the same to me. I was a little quiet and reserved. Despite everyones good intentions and the feast in front of us offered up in love...my mind sometimes drifted elsewhere....to the Thanksgiving I was not at.
But one thought did occur to me (and more than once): I missed my inlaws, my nephews, my daughter, my extended family.....but I didn't so much miss my wife. I didn't miss her smoking, nor did I miss her trying to embarass me with lame (and oft exagerated) stories of the past, or watching her down glass after glass of wine.
I was home by 7:30pm that night, watched a bit more TV, and went to bed.
It was Saturday evening, around 10:45pm that my cell phone rang. I wasn't really thinking when I reached for it, nor did I look at the display, but when I answered after being hypnotized from the TV I realized it was my wife.
She told me once again that she missed me. That her Thanksgiving just wasn't the same without me there. While that was nice to here on one hand, it opened up the wounds that I had experienced just a couple days before, and also reminded me of last years Thanksgiving when my wife had already started a her downward spiral and embarrassed me and herself and our marriage was holding together by a strand.
And as if on cue, the conversation became a 1 way conversation. Where she spoke and I listened, but everytime I tried to say something I was cut off, interupted, or challenged. Yup...she still doesn't get it. She says she does, but deep down, I don't think so. According to her it was everyone elses actions that led to her actions of rebellion (I.E. everybody else made her this way...it's everyone elses fault even though she recognizes she screwed up).
She then changed her story about leaving me. She said it was only meant to be for two weeks, to clear her head. I call B.S. She packed up a hell of a lot more than 2 weeks of clothing and personal items. Items no one would take with them for just 2-weeks if they intended to come back. Hell, I didn't even know where she was for almost the 1st two weeks. And now, after 8 months she tells now tells me it was only to be for 2 weeks? B.S.
Her cash job ends in less than 2 weeks from now. Said she was given notice by the owner her last day would be the end of the month.
She continued to talk for a while, because Lord knows I couldn't get a word in, so I finally just said "I'm hanging up." and I did at 11:45. I was on that phone for 30 minutes, and for 25 of those minutes she did all the talking, saying how she changed, how I'm not giving her a chance, that she misses me, etc., etc. The thing is, I'll admit I started to sway a bit. I started allowing my emotions to rule over logic. I started to rethink everything yet again, my co-dependancy kicking in, and thinking "she can be fixed." I had to get off the phone, especially since she cut me off at every turn. Looking back..that in itself is a sign of zero respect towards me. No there may have been 'surface improvements', but deep down to her it's everyone else's fault, she's not paying her bills, she got let go again from a job.
I cannot ever be sure if she really does love me or if I am just a security blanket to be used and abused and in 6 months to a year from now everything returns to the same 'ole, same 'ole.
The last 8 years in my neighborhood, all the neighbors put their Christmas lights that day after Thanksgiving. We all go out, help each other, have a few beers, and make an afternoon out of it.
This year, only 1 neighbor put his lights up. No one else (even today), and I'm not really in the mood to do it either. Nor am I in the mood to decorate inside. No garland, no lights, no ornaments. It seems like a hassle for just one person...me.
Spoke with my lawyer yesterday. He wants me to start my list of negotiation items, room by room, and have to him by this weekend so he can review and send to her lawyer. My parents want this over. They even offered to pay for a 'mediator' just to move this along and have resolution by February so I can move on with my life. I hear them, and don't want to drag it out longer than I have to as well....but if last night nightmare dream of me and my wife is any indication, my emotions and mental health on all this is still raw. I do well, and then she calls me up...and I'm ruined for the next few days all over again.
Sucks.
November 15, 2012
And it drags on
Sometimes it is takes all of what little energy I have left not to stand up in the middle of the day, look to the heavens, scream, and just go home.
Divorce is so, so ugly.
And not because I dislike the other person, hate them, wish them ill, seek retribution, or to get even. A lot of times I just wish I would wake up to find the last few years was a bad dream and didn't take place at all.
Yesterday, my lawyer contacted me and wanted to know what I wanted to do as my next step.
Huh?
The last time I spoke with him was 3.5 weeks ago, and I told him lets go for a settlement and he's said he start drafting the papers. I have this in writing as we generally exchange emails. I read his email again, thinking I may have missed something or read it wrong. Nope...I let it it sink in for a few minutes.
For the last 3.5 weeks I was under the impression he was moving forward and preparing a draft to present to her lawyer. Back when we started this whole thing in April, I made it very clear...I want this wrapped up by the holidays.
Well, it is quite apparant to me that nothing got done the last few weeks. Nothing. It's like my whole divorce proceeding went on sabbatical and no one bothered to tell me.
So I called him up. "What the hell man? I thought my last communication with you, Oct 16, made it bery clear."
"Well, I suggest you talk to your wife and try to negotiate things so we can avoid court."
WTF? Why didn't you make that clear to me back then? I made a whoel list of what I wanted, and was very liveral in my concessions to her, just to let her go and be happy. I was more than fair, giving/offering her "stuff" I either don't need, don't care about, or things I bought before our marriage I am letting go for free....no strings attached.
Sigh...so 3.5 weeks wasted irked me to begin with, so I took a chance to call her. I wanted to be cordial, to be nice. Asked her how her day is going. Didn't ask her for any money, even the stuff she offered and never paid. I didn't even mention how the CC companies began calling the house again looking for her.
I explained to her the situation. She said, "Go to court."
What? You want to spend money you don't have, or don't need too just so you can get, what, satisfaction of vengenance you think you desrve?
Pretty much.
She then went on to tell me how I am not giving her a chance. That she fixed herself, but I am being stubborn, and I need therapy in actuality.
What? You spent 7 days playing with crayons at a ranch, and not even for alcohol. And I need fixing? You think that you're fixed? You forgive me? WHAT?? Um, this conversation right here shows me that infact you aren't fixed, because YOU ARE IN SO MUCH DENIAL, and as USUAL, it is EVERYONE ELSE'S FAULT, not yours.
I then pointed out that in fact the banks were calling for her, and she said "These things take time." Are you kidding me? How is it it took me 2 days to get all my crap resteeled with the banks and CC companies....and it is taking you 8 months? Do you even hear yourself? Are you really that disconnected? This is what I am talking about...it takes any 'normal' person 20 minutes of phone calls one day to get this shit straightened out...you are 8 months into it, and you haven't even tried. Is that how you changed? If so, you need to tell your parents to go back to the ranch and demand their money back.
And of course she "says" she forgives me for things and let the past be the past, but every discussion I've had with her....guess where we go? BINGO...she brings up the past. Yeah, you've really let go of it, and yeah, your really learned foregiveness. Unbelievable.
I was a little mad when I got off the phone with her, but as the day wore on, I came to realize she really hasn't changed deep down. She may have on the surface, or at least for appearance sake for the benefit of her parents and sister...but she is still irresponsible (perhaps not drunk), still doesn't understand foregiveness or the concept of moving on, still has a warped sense of reality...oh, and to top it all off, she's leaving the "dream" job in three weeks she was so excited about in August. And no back up in place right now.
Yeah, and you want me to take you back...In three weeks you will have no job....again....by your own design. Now with no unemeployment, no healthcare, and debt. Too bad you didn't listen to your "idiot" husband and family back when the advice was free.
If anything, I am depressed I was so blind despite all the warnings, that this person lives in her own universe.
Divorce is so, so ugly.
And not because I dislike the other person, hate them, wish them ill, seek retribution, or to get even. A lot of times I just wish I would wake up to find the last few years was a bad dream and didn't take place at all.
Yesterday, my lawyer contacted me and wanted to know what I wanted to do as my next step.
Huh?
The last time I spoke with him was 3.5 weeks ago, and I told him lets go for a settlement and he's said he start drafting the papers. I have this in writing as we generally exchange emails. I read his email again, thinking I may have missed something or read it wrong. Nope...I let it it sink in for a few minutes.
For the last 3.5 weeks I was under the impression he was moving forward and preparing a draft to present to her lawyer. Back when we started this whole thing in April, I made it very clear...I want this wrapped up by the holidays.
Well, it is quite apparant to me that nothing got done the last few weeks. Nothing. It's like my whole divorce proceeding went on sabbatical and no one bothered to tell me.
So I called him up. "What the hell man? I thought my last communication with you, Oct 16, made it bery clear."
"Well, I suggest you talk to your wife and try to negotiate things so we can avoid court."
WTF? Why didn't you make that clear to me back then? I made a whoel list of what I wanted, and was very liveral in my concessions to her, just to let her go and be happy. I was more than fair, giving/offering her "stuff" I either don't need, don't care about, or things I bought before our marriage I am letting go for free....no strings attached.
Sigh...so 3.5 weeks wasted irked me to begin with, so I took a chance to call her. I wanted to be cordial, to be nice. Asked her how her day is going. Didn't ask her for any money, even the stuff she offered and never paid. I didn't even mention how the CC companies began calling the house again looking for her.
I explained to her the situation. She said, "Go to court."
What? You want to spend money you don't have, or don't need too just so you can get, what, satisfaction of vengenance you think you desrve?
Pretty much.
She then went on to tell me how I am not giving her a chance. That she fixed herself, but I am being stubborn, and I need therapy in actuality.
What? You spent 7 days playing with crayons at a ranch, and not even for alcohol. And I need fixing? You think that you're fixed? You forgive me? WHAT?? Um, this conversation right here shows me that infact you aren't fixed, because YOU ARE IN SO MUCH DENIAL, and as USUAL, it is EVERYONE ELSE'S FAULT, not yours.
I then pointed out that in fact the banks were calling for her, and she said "These things take time." Are you kidding me? How is it it took me 2 days to get all my crap resteeled with the banks and CC companies....and it is taking you 8 months? Do you even hear yourself? Are you really that disconnected? This is what I am talking about...it takes any 'normal' person 20 minutes of phone calls one day to get this shit straightened out...you are 8 months into it, and you haven't even tried. Is that how you changed? If so, you need to tell your parents to go back to the ranch and demand their money back.
And of course she "says" she forgives me for things and let the past be the past, but every discussion I've had with her....guess where we go? BINGO...she brings up the past. Yeah, you've really let go of it, and yeah, your really learned foregiveness. Unbelievable.
I was a little mad when I got off the phone with her, but as the day wore on, I came to realize she really hasn't changed deep down. She may have on the surface, or at least for appearance sake for the benefit of her parents and sister...but she is still irresponsible (perhaps not drunk), still doesn't understand foregiveness or the concept of moving on, still has a warped sense of reality...oh, and to top it all off, she's leaving the "dream" job in three weeks she was so excited about in August. And no back up in place right now.
Yeah, and you want me to take you back...In three weeks you will have no job....again....by your own design. Now with no unemeployment, no healthcare, and debt. Too bad you didn't listen to your "idiot" husband and family back when the advice was free.
If anything, I am depressed I was so blind despite all the warnings, that this person lives in her own universe.
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