Boy...do I deserve a break of some magnitude soon.
My 20 year old stepdaughter just informed me that she is going to move into her grandma & grandpa's house 30 miles away in about 3 weeks from now. That would be my inlaws.
I know the family has 'talked' about it, but I didn't realize how far the decision process had gone up until now.
My stepdaughter only works parts time, doesn't have a drivers license or a car and since her mom left, it's been up to me to pick her up from work at 9:45 at night...which isn't the ideal of conditions for me. She's also not the cleanest person in the world, so in a way I'm okay with this. It will help reduce bills, keep the house cleaner, and I won't be playing taxi service.
However, that doesn't mean I won't miss her or I want her to leave.
With every new event (like this) it becomes clearer and clearer what the inevitable outcome will be. I feel very sad for my daughter. Her mom pulled this stunt once before 12 years ago, and my stepdaughter has never had a stable family her whole teenage life. There are so many tendrils of ongoing and lingering damage because of my wife's selfish actions.
My mother-in-law said she wanted to lift some burdens off of me, and she keeps apologizing for her daughters behavior. They are taking on quite a bit themselves having raised two kids, and now having their granddaughter move in with them at age 20.
This whole thing just stinks no matter what angle I look at it from and for some reason I can't help but think I need to take some blame, but I'm not sure why.
My wife called me last night too. First time in 8 days we spoke on the phone. She actually said she "misses" me, but I'm not sure I believe her. I cried...she cried. She actually said we "take each other for granted". Well, I agree...but only one person is taking granted of the other.
My dad is going to come over and change the locks on my house tomorrow. It's okay. I checked with the lawyer. The title deed reflects my name on the house only. Also, she left of her own free will to another state. According to him, I have every right to change the locks legally, and have the paperwork in my hands to prove it. Not that I want to, but I do if it comes to that.
I didn't cry today. Nor did I have a Xanax. I think that's day 6 now with no Xanax. Still slept like crap. Maybe 4 hours if I was lucky.
Did I already say this whole thing stinks?
Went to another Al-Anon meeting last night. People say it makes you feel better after you attend....I'm still waiting for that feeling.
Tomorrow I'm thinking of going to another support group, just to see what that's like. Al-Anon just isn't doing it for me.
I have a feeling I'm going to be alone.
March 29, 2012
March 28, 2012
Pity Party I or "I don't feel like a Christain today"
Today is day 8 since my wife left.
My step-daughter is supposedly returning tonight, which has left me alone for 5 very lonely days at home.
I met with my therapist yesterday for the 1st time. A guy. A Baptist who is also not afraid to talk about God/Christ which I suppose is a blessing for me.
I broke down. I walked in to his office with I thought was some resolve and a tinge of hostility that had been building the last few days within me, but with 10 minutes of talking to him, I could no longer hold back, and the eyes teared up again. I wonder if my wife cries?
As a Christian, I am supposed to forgive, and I have to the best of my ability. But I'll be honest in saying yesterday I hurt so bad, that I wished that she would feel bad as well. Even if it's a quarter of the pain I feel, I'm ashamed to say I wanted her to hurt as well. That is so wrong, but in some twisted way I just want her to feel like her heart got stomped on.
I sent her an email this morning, along with some copies of some of her bills that have come to the house. I've been asked by people to take care of myself, to try and detach, to pick up the pieces of my life and to move on until she makes a move. It's very, very hard and easier said than done.
I miss her so much....but I don't know why. It's been a less than stellar relationship for the past two years and I think I have tried everything I could have to save it. But that doesn't mean I ever stopped loving her, no matter how many times family and friends told me she treats me like crap. Am I glutton for punishment? Am I really that sick in co-dependency myself that I can't see a brighter tomorrow, or that there is grass on the other side of the fence, or light at the end of the tunnel?
I feel as if ten years of my existence are slowly fading to black and I ahev no control of the dial. No, I'm not going to burn her pictures up, or tear them up in some theatrical scene. I'm just not that type of person. I don't hate her, nor do I despise her. But I can't explain the amount of lingering pain I feel day in and day out right now either. Perhaps it's fear of the unknown and uncharted.
Anyway, I told her I was praying for her and for me yet again. I didn't even bring up alcohol. I just told her I started seeing a therapist and that I pray that God softens her resolve. I didn't ask her if she misses me, or wants a divorce, or when she thinks she may come back. I didn't ask if she's having a good time or what she's up to. I think I'm afraid to know the answer.
Imagine my surprise when I received an email response back stating she wants to talk to me tonight on the phone. She ended the letter by signing off "Love always.", but I can't help but think that's the kiss of death. In my mind I've already jumped to the conclusion she's going to try and let me down easy or tell me it's over. I have no proof of that, but I can't help but feel that it's coming. That's 3 hours from now....the next thee hours is going to be hell.
My step-daughter is supposedly returning tonight, which has left me alone for 5 very lonely days at home.
I met with my therapist yesterday for the 1st time. A guy. A Baptist who is also not afraid to talk about God/Christ which I suppose is a blessing for me.
I broke down. I walked in to his office with I thought was some resolve and a tinge of hostility that had been building the last few days within me, but with 10 minutes of talking to him, I could no longer hold back, and the eyes teared up again. I wonder if my wife cries?
As a Christian, I am supposed to forgive, and I have to the best of my ability. But I'll be honest in saying yesterday I hurt so bad, that I wished that she would feel bad as well. Even if it's a quarter of the pain I feel, I'm ashamed to say I wanted her to hurt as well. That is so wrong, but in some twisted way I just want her to feel like her heart got stomped on.
I sent her an email this morning, along with some copies of some of her bills that have come to the house. I've been asked by people to take care of myself, to try and detach, to pick up the pieces of my life and to move on until she makes a move. It's very, very hard and easier said than done.
I miss her so much....but I don't know why. It's been a less than stellar relationship for the past two years and I think I have tried everything I could have to save it. But that doesn't mean I ever stopped loving her, no matter how many times family and friends told me she treats me like crap. Am I glutton for punishment? Am I really that sick in co-dependency myself that I can't see a brighter tomorrow, or that there is grass on the other side of the fence, or light at the end of the tunnel?
I feel as if ten years of my existence are slowly fading to black and I ahev no control of the dial. No, I'm not going to burn her pictures up, or tear them up in some theatrical scene. I'm just not that type of person. I don't hate her, nor do I despise her. But I can't explain the amount of lingering pain I feel day in and day out right now either. Perhaps it's fear of the unknown and uncharted.
Anyway, I told her I was praying for her and for me yet again. I didn't even bring up alcohol. I just told her I started seeing a therapist and that I pray that God softens her resolve. I didn't ask her if she misses me, or wants a divorce, or when she thinks she may come back. I didn't ask if she's having a good time or what she's up to. I think I'm afraid to know the answer.
Imagine my surprise when I received an email response back stating she wants to talk to me tonight on the phone. She ended the letter by signing off "Love always.", but I can't help but think that's the kiss of death. In my mind I've already jumped to the conclusion she's going to try and let me down easy or tell me it's over. I have no proof of that, but I can't help but feel that it's coming. That's 3 hours from now....the next thee hours is going to be hell.
March 26, 2012
1 week gone
Actually tomorrow will be one week that my wife has left both my daughter and I. We haven't spoken via phone. but did exchange a few emails late last week....regarding bills due if you can believe that.
I had picked up our taxes, plus have received some of her invoices in the mail. The emails were short, and I had sent her copies of the bills that she is responsible for. I also told her that even though I paid for the accountant service fees, that she should pay 1/2 of the State taxes. It's then she said she had 'no checks', which I'm not sure if I believe or not. If so, she's screwed, because the debt consolidation company has begun calling for her for the CC's in her name. All I could do was give them her cell phone number, because I'm not paying for them anymore. Especially in lieu of the fact I have a feeling she's gonna stiff me on the taxes.
I recommended that she give the money to her girlfriend and the girlfriend could send me a check, or she can send me a money order. See, I'm not sure why I need to point the obvious stuff out. There are always readily available alternatives for sending me the money, but she plays dumb sometimes which is irriatating.
The meeting with the lawyer went well, although somewhat expensive. He assured me that the house will be mine, and since she 'left', I can actually change the locks on the house as soon as I get a copy of the Title Deed (I get that tomorrow) with my sole name on the house.
The only bad news was that I may have to pay some sore of alimony for 4 years, but he said that won't be much, maybe upwards of $7000 a year, possibly less, due to the fact she has turned down jobs, split, left me with the bills, etc. And the biggest issue I face right now is the retainer. If I choose to divorce in the next few weeks, his retainer is $6K. I still have property taxes and Federal income taxes to pay as well. This sucks, because I just paid off my car after 4 years, and now this is going to throw me right back to tightening my belt yet again. My parents offered to help, but that just feels wierd to me....asking your parents for money to get a divorce.
The good news is she has no money to really hire her own lawyer, so it shouldn't be dragged out or contentious. I have no idea what she is thinking. I have no idea if she wants to try and work things out or not.
Her last email to me said she did still love me, but to be honest, I'm not so sure. Why not call me then and speak in person? I really see no attempt on her behalf to try anything, so I'm not holding my breath.
The neighbors and friends (except the one) are seemingly realizing she left and are not treating me as much as a pariah (except the one) now. I think people know what's up, but don't want to broach the subject with me, or don't know what to say. Actually one invited me to dinner at their house on Friday night which was nice. We had pho, one of my favorites.
My daughter spent the night at her grandma's this weekend, so I was alone for the weekend. I ended up dusting, vacuuming, mopping, laundry, walking the dog, catching up on taped TV, grocery shopping, church, gym, and playing a video game. Sounds like a lot, but it was pouring rain yesterday so I stayed in and was able to get a lot done.
I didn't cry this weekend, or even this morning, though I admit I was a bit depressed and sad on Friday morning when I got up and the lawyers words started to really sink in to me. What a horrible feeling and I can tell you I hate even thinking about divorce, let alone actually doing it. That being said, with my daughter gone and the pouring rain, it's been awefully lonely at home.
I look around the living room and kitchen and there are doznes of pictures of us together dating all the way back from our wedding day. I don't know what to do with them yet. Maybe I need to take one down at a time every few days. Right now, I'm kinda ignoring it, but I know I have to deal with them and her sooner or later.
It's been 2 months now since I/we've been intimate. I still think of that night, and now the lack of those night for two months. That sucks too.
Tonight is our last family conference call with the interventionist. I'm kinda glad. They never really did anything for me except depress me and remind me how my BIL/SIL think of me. Since my wife left last week, neither of them have had much to say to me....which I'm fine with too. I was getting tired of them telling me I need to 'man-up' every other day when they weren't in the thick of it.
Tomorrow morning I have my first professional therapist one-on-one meeting as well. 9am. I'm taking the day off of work as I need to get a copy of my house Title as well. Then another Al-Anon meeting on Wed, and possibly a group 'Celebrate Recovery' this Friday. I'm sure my wife is doing none of these. She says she will be seeing a therapist 'out there', but I'm not so sure.
To some it all up: This week has been very lonely, but so many issues are up in the air that I have to take care of, they are keeping me busy. My wife claims to still 'love me', but I can't really see any evidience of that, especially with all the finanicial lurch she left me with to clean up as usual. Her family is cautiously giving me space, but I'm unsure if that is because they gave up as well once she decided to move outta state or something else.
This whole things sucks.
I had picked up our taxes, plus have received some of her invoices in the mail. The emails were short, and I had sent her copies of the bills that she is responsible for. I also told her that even though I paid for the accountant service fees, that she should pay 1/2 of the State taxes. It's then she said she had 'no checks', which I'm not sure if I believe or not. If so, she's screwed, because the debt consolidation company has begun calling for her for the CC's in her name. All I could do was give them her cell phone number, because I'm not paying for them anymore. Especially in lieu of the fact I have a feeling she's gonna stiff me on the taxes.
I recommended that she give the money to her girlfriend and the girlfriend could send me a check, or she can send me a money order. See, I'm not sure why I need to point the obvious stuff out. There are always readily available alternatives for sending me the money, but she plays dumb sometimes which is irriatating.
The meeting with the lawyer went well, although somewhat expensive. He assured me that the house will be mine, and since she 'left', I can actually change the locks on the house as soon as I get a copy of the Title Deed (I get that tomorrow) with my sole name on the house.
The only bad news was that I may have to pay some sore of alimony for 4 years, but he said that won't be much, maybe upwards of $7000 a year, possibly less, due to the fact she has turned down jobs, split, left me with the bills, etc. And the biggest issue I face right now is the retainer. If I choose to divorce in the next few weeks, his retainer is $6K. I still have property taxes and Federal income taxes to pay as well. This sucks, because I just paid off my car after 4 years, and now this is going to throw me right back to tightening my belt yet again. My parents offered to help, but that just feels wierd to me....asking your parents for money to get a divorce.
The good news is she has no money to really hire her own lawyer, so it shouldn't be dragged out or contentious. I have no idea what she is thinking. I have no idea if she wants to try and work things out or not.
Her last email to me said she did still love me, but to be honest, I'm not so sure. Why not call me then and speak in person? I really see no attempt on her behalf to try anything, so I'm not holding my breath.
The neighbors and friends (except the one) are seemingly realizing she left and are not treating me as much as a pariah (except the one) now. I think people know what's up, but don't want to broach the subject with me, or don't know what to say. Actually one invited me to dinner at their house on Friday night which was nice. We had pho, one of my favorites.
My daughter spent the night at her grandma's this weekend, so I was alone for the weekend. I ended up dusting, vacuuming, mopping, laundry, walking the dog, catching up on taped TV, grocery shopping, church, gym, and playing a video game. Sounds like a lot, but it was pouring rain yesterday so I stayed in and was able to get a lot done.
I didn't cry this weekend, or even this morning, though I admit I was a bit depressed and sad on Friday morning when I got up and the lawyers words started to really sink in to me. What a horrible feeling and I can tell you I hate even thinking about divorce, let alone actually doing it. That being said, with my daughter gone and the pouring rain, it's been awefully lonely at home.
I look around the living room and kitchen and there are doznes of pictures of us together dating all the way back from our wedding day. I don't know what to do with them yet. Maybe I need to take one down at a time every few days. Right now, I'm kinda ignoring it, but I know I have to deal with them and her sooner or later.
It's been 2 months now since I/we've been intimate. I still think of that night, and now the lack of those night for two months. That sucks too.
Tonight is our last family conference call with the interventionist. I'm kinda glad. They never really did anything for me except depress me and remind me how my BIL/SIL think of me. Since my wife left last week, neither of them have had much to say to me....which I'm fine with too. I was getting tired of them telling me I need to 'man-up' every other day when they weren't in the thick of it.
Tomorrow morning I have my first professional therapist one-on-one meeting as well. 9am. I'm taking the day off of work as I need to get a copy of my house Title as well. Then another Al-Anon meeting on Wed, and possibly a group 'Celebrate Recovery' this Friday. I'm sure my wife is doing none of these. She says she will be seeing a therapist 'out there', but I'm not so sure.
To some it all up: This week has been very lonely, but so many issues are up in the air that I have to take care of, they are keeping me busy. My wife claims to still 'love me', but I can't really see any evidience of that, especially with all the finanicial lurch she left me with to clean up as usual. Her family is cautiously giving me space, but I'm unsure if that is because they gave up as well once she decided to move outta state or something else.
This whole things sucks.
March 22, 2012
Lunch with my MIL
Everything is starting to seem 'finalized' by one degree or another, and a lot of it seems to be out of my control. I mean, I ultimately have the last word I suppose, but it seems as if my in-laws, my own parents, and a few others just "feel" it is inevitable that my wife and I are about to go our seperate ways.
My MIL was very tender with me yesterday, telling me numerous times I deserve to be happy, that she was sorry for the way her daughter is behaving, and that I need to stop beating myself up.
The last part is easier said than done, so I suppose it's a good thing that I am indeed going to meet with a therapist next Tuesday. This time it's a guy which will be a new experience for me, but it's really humbling to hear from multiple people now that they think I need a dedicated one-on-one therapist. I guess I'm not as good as hiding my emotions or mental state than I once was.
My MIL also shared that a girlfriend of my wifes called her and her husband (my FIL) last week to also offer up (unsolicted by me or anyone else that I am aware of) concerns that she and other girlfriends thought my wife was abusing alcohol and had been for some time. Even though my MIL appreciated the validation, she said she wished her friends would have ponied up sooner as she and my FIL didn't realize just how bad things were.
I suppose better late than never, but still, a little extra evidence earlier on would have really helped my FIL come to grips with the situation.
I'll admit, a few things my MIL said made me cry. It was a good thing we were at an outside table, and the furthest away from anyone else so I wouldn't be too embarassed. She again said I will always be her son-in-law, that she loves me, that she knows I am a good person and is sorry to see me so hurt. She also said my FIL and her are okay with me filing for divorce.
*sigh*
Even though they gave me 'permission' in a sense, it was hearing it out loud that it sunk in they think our marriage is a lost cause and want me to move on. That made me lose it. It was very hard to go back to work after that and concentrate.
I came home alone last night, no pizza with my daughter after all, she had to work until 9:45. I steamed a filet of fish in the microwave and sat on the couch, petting my dog.
I see the lawyer today at 3pm.
My MIL was very tender with me yesterday, telling me numerous times I deserve to be happy, that she was sorry for the way her daughter is behaving, and that I need to stop beating myself up.
The last part is easier said than done, so I suppose it's a good thing that I am indeed going to meet with a therapist next Tuesday. This time it's a guy which will be a new experience for me, but it's really humbling to hear from multiple people now that they think I need a dedicated one-on-one therapist. I guess I'm not as good as hiding my emotions or mental state than I once was.
My MIL also shared that a girlfriend of my wifes called her and her husband (my FIL) last week to also offer up (unsolicted by me or anyone else that I am aware of) concerns that she and other girlfriends thought my wife was abusing alcohol and had been for some time. Even though my MIL appreciated the validation, she said she wished her friends would have ponied up sooner as she and my FIL didn't realize just how bad things were.
I suppose better late than never, but still, a little extra evidence earlier on would have really helped my FIL come to grips with the situation.
I'll admit, a few things my MIL said made me cry. It was a good thing we were at an outside table, and the furthest away from anyone else so I wouldn't be too embarassed. She again said I will always be her son-in-law, that she loves me, that she knows I am a good person and is sorry to see me so hurt. She also said my FIL and her are okay with me filing for divorce.
*sigh*
Even though they gave me 'permission' in a sense, it was hearing it out loud that it sunk in they think our marriage is a lost cause and want me to move on. That made me lose it. It was very hard to go back to work after that and concentrate.
I came home alone last night, no pizza with my daughter after all, she had to work until 9:45. I steamed a filet of fish in the microwave and sat on the couch, petting my dog.
I see the lawyer today at 3pm.
March 21, 2012
A new dawn.
I had absolutely no contact with my wife yesterday.
I went to work and tried to manage my day as effectively as I could, knowing I would be driving to my parents after work and picking up my pup. The irritating thing is traffic. It took me 45 minutes to get to my parents house yesterday from work and it's only about 20 miles with 15 of those miles on a 5 lane freeway.
Someday I will leave this state as well.
I got back to my house just prior to 7pm and my daughter came home shortly thereafter. She had a bad day too. I know she's hurting but dealing with it in her own way. She asked me if she could spend the night at a friends house, and I said yes, but her friend bailed on her...like her mother did only hours before.
I am going to take her out to pizza tonight. Just her and me. No Al-Anon today, but I promise I will resume next week, and I will go to my men's group this Saturday as well. If I'm lucky, my parents may still take me out for a belated birthday dinner to a BBQ joint I love.
My MIL texted me yesterday and asked me to lunch for today. I agreed. She said she wanted to see me in person, that a text was too impersonal. I asked her if this was about pointing out my failures and where I went wrong. She said, "No. Stop beating yourself up." But I'm scared. It's just a lunch, but she knows I am hurting. She signed off "I will always be your MIL". That made me cry. That's where I lost it for 10 minutes yesterday.
My daughter went to her room and I sat downstairs on the couch and watched TV with my dog until 9:30. Sitting in the dark, alone, the only light from my plasma flat-screen. She only took her clothes, toiletries, shoes, luggage, and her fan. Everything else was still there...even the dozen or so wedding pictures over the years....mocking me. I may have to put them away for the time being, but unsure how I am going to explain that to my daughter.
I'm tempted to share with you a wedding picture of us back from 2003. That way you can put faces to my wiritings. I don't know if I can though, I'm not sure I'm ready.
I didn't have a Xanax yesterday, nor a sleeping pill. I did fall asleep around 10pm, but woke up at least 3 times: 1am, 3:30am, 5am, and got up at 6:15. Fed my dog, had a cup of coffee, and took more of a visual inventory of the house. It needs dusting, and the kitchen floor a mopping. I put the dishes away (she ran the dishwasher before she left).
I sat once again on the couch this morning, letting the heater try to warm the house, alone with my thoughts. This morning I missed her. Despite all the crap, arguments, pain, alcohol, denial, etc....I miss her. I don't know why...I honestly don't.
Not one to carry grudges very long, I texted her the following this morning:
"I apologize for the way I left yesterday. I'm extremely hurt over all this and it pains me. I hope you have a good day. Love always - Me"
30 minutes later she replied:
"I appreciate the apology....I too am extremely hurt by this and this is not easy for me! I hope you have a good day as well....I did make it safely....love always back - Me"
I'm doing all I can right now, and failing miserably, to hold back my tears. As I type this sentence right now, tears are streaming down my face and wondering how I'm going to last today.
2 hours until I meet my Mother-in-Law.
I went to work and tried to manage my day as effectively as I could, knowing I would be driving to my parents after work and picking up my pup. The irritating thing is traffic. It took me 45 minutes to get to my parents house yesterday from work and it's only about 20 miles with 15 of those miles on a 5 lane freeway.
Someday I will leave this state as well.
I got back to my house just prior to 7pm and my daughter came home shortly thereafter. She had a bad day too. I know she's hurting but dealing with it in her own way. She asked me if she could spend the night at a friends house, and I said yes, but her friend bailed on her...like her mother did only hours before.
I am going to take her out to pizza tonight. Just her and me. No Al-Anon today, but I promise I will resume next week, and I will go to my men's group this Saturday as well. If I'm lucky, my parents may still take me out for a belated birthday dinner to a BBQ joint I love.
My MIL texted me yesterday and asked me to lunch for today. I agreed. She said she wanted to see me in person, that a text was too impersonal. I asked her if this was about pointing out my failures and where I went wrong. She said, "No. Stop beating yourself up." But I'm scared. It's just a lunch, but she knows I am hurting. She signed off "I will always be your MIL". That made me cry. That's where I lost it for 10 minutes yesterday.
My daughter went to her room and I sat downstairs on the couch and watched TV with my dog until 9:30. Sitting in the dark, alone, the only light from my plasma flat-screen. She only took her clothes, toiletries, shoes, luggage, and her fan. Everything else was still there...even the dozen or so wedding pictures over the years....mocking me. I may have to put them away for the time being, but unsure how I am going to explain that to my daughter.
I'm tempted to share with you a wedding picture of us back from 2003. That way you can put faces to my wiritings. I don't know if I can though, I'm not sure I'm ready.
I didn't have a Xanax yesterday, nor a sleeping pill. I did fall asleep around 10pm, but woke up at least 3 times: 1am, 3:30am, 5am, and got up at 6:15. Fed my dog, had a cup of coffee, and took more of a visual inventory of the house. It needs dusting, and the kitchen floor a mopping. I put the dishes away (she ran the dishwasher before she left).
I sat once again on the couch this morning, letting the heater try to warm the house, alone with my thoughts. This morning I missed her. Despite all the crap, arguments, pain, alcohol, denial, etc....I miss her. I don't know why...I honestly don't.
Not one to carry grudges very long, I texted her the following this morning:
"I apologize for the way I left yesterday. I'm extremely hurt over all this and it pains me. I hope you have a good day. Love always - Me"
30 minutes later she replied:
"I appreciate the apology....I too am extremely hurt by this and this is not easy for me! I hope you have a good day as well....I did make it safely....love always back - Me"
I'm doing all I can right now, and failing miserably, to hold back my tears. As I type this sentence right now, tears are streaming down my face and wondering how I'm going to last today.
2 hours until I meet my Mother-in-Law.
March 20, 2012
Celebrate Recovery
In a never ending self-sadistic way of getting my life and my mind back together, I sent an email today to a leader of a local Celebrate Recovery program trying to get information on upcoming new classes or groups.
They list their meetings as 4 hours long on Friday nights. 4 hours! First hour is a group dinner, followed by two hours of classes groups, and finsihed up with an hour mixer with music and coffee. I only want to go to the middle two hours right now, so we'll see.
I've been recently reading another book, "Life's Healing Choices" by John Baker, and like the audio version of "Codependant No More", many of the stories within parallel many of my own plights and feelings.
I'm not sure if I will actually go or not. I feel I need a break for about two weeks or so. I'm already considering not going to Al-Anon tomorrow evening either. I need some time of further detachment and get away from all the people buzzing in my ears.
They list their meetings as 4 hours long on Friday nights. 4 hours! First hour is a group dinner, followed by two hours of classes groups, and finsihed up with an hour mixer with music and coffee. I only want to go to the middle two hours right now, so we'll see.
I've been recently reading another book, "Life's Healing Choices" by John Baker, and like the audio version of "Codependant No More", many of the stories within parallel many of my own plights and feelings.
I'm not sure if I will actually go or not. I feel I need a break for about two weeks or so. I'm already considering not going to Al-Anon tomorrow evening either. I need some time of further detachment and get away from all the people buzzing in my ears.
Riding off into the Sunset...
Today, thus far, I am oddly at peace.
I'm neither happy, sad, nor elated or angry.
I just am.
I really haven't thought much about my emotions the last 48 hours, and only now as I type this sentence am I aware that I am trying to think of my emotional state.
And I'm coming up blank right now. Like a freshly minted chalkboard with nothing to show, chalk hovering inches above the surface, but not knowing where to start or what to write.
The last 90 hours (just shy of an actual 4 days), a lot has happened. Maybe too much for me to process and even digest right now. Oh, I pray and hope that I don't come crashing down unexpectedly later today or over the course of the next few days.
Simply put....my wife left me and my daughter today.
Let me go back a few days.
Friday was my 42nd birthday. I received no card, no cake, no present from my wife. I got a text 1/2 way through the day that just said "happy birthday". A text message. Anyway, two of my friends treated me to lunch and one was dying to tell me a secret: "Your wife is leaving you on Tuesday." Ice ran through my veins, a sinking pit in my stomach. It was followed up by: "Your wife is an idiot.", and he wasn't saying that to be kind to me or to soften the blow. He's a mutual friend of ours and he recognizes my wife is not in a good place.
Armed with this knowledge that my wife was secretly going to leave me, and also not tell her parents or brother and sister, I took the rest of the day off of work and started to protect myself. First up: close the joint bank account and transfer the little amount of money left into my personal account. Second, close the CC debt consolidation that I have been paying the majority of her cards off for the past year ---NO more. She can pay for herself.
It poured rain all day that day, and my mother was working, and my father still out of town. So my birthday was spent quietly at home listening to the pouring rain, realizing my wife is bailing for 'greener pastures'. Dinner was a microwave steamed TV dinner and I was in bed by 10pm. Yay 42nd birthday.
Saturday morning it was still raining, and I had decided to skip my men's group. The last few times I've gone, I end up balling. I didn't want to cry that morning. My wife got up unusually early...about 8:30 for her and came downstairs. She tried to pay for something on line and discovered that the account was closed. She looked at me, "Did you close the accounts?" "Yup." "Why?" And then I proceded to tell her I knew she was leaving, that my birthday sucked, and that she was running away like always. She was a bit miffed, but I don't care, and still don't.
Yes, her big "pie in the sky" answer to alcoholism and unhappiness is to leave me, her daughter, her family, her friends to another state under the misguided delusional belief she is going to find a job and she doesn't have a drinking problem. Her mistake: she ended up telling her closest girlfriends her plan. It is my understanding that even her closest and most trusted friends thought she was nuts and also believe she is drinking to much and they called her parents. That's how they found out (not from me) and soon my SIL/BIL found out as well.
Saturday morning turned into yet another 1 hour discussion on how everthing wrong is everyone elses fault and not hers. She "needs" to get out of town to "clear her head" and "figure things out on her own". Such a cop-out. Such a "chicken-shit" excuse. I'm not buying it.
She then told me this was a "trial seperation", and she is not filing for divorce. How big of her. I think it's more like the fact she has no money to hire a lawyer, knows she has a problem, up to her eye-balls in debt, has no job, and still wants a safety net "just in case."
I'm too tired to argue. She's made up her mind and I'm not going to waste my breath trying to convince or beg her otherwise. The more and more people find out about this, the more and more are supporting me and telling her she is making a HUGE mistake.
The rest of Saturday I did my own thing: I went back to the gym (which felt great), I went store browsing, I watched a movie (Alexander and Insidious), I even played a video game. I went to bed at 11:30 and felt....nothing.
Sunday, more of the same. I watched her pack a few things, but it really didn't bother me.
I went to work yesterday, Monday, and had a decent day. When I got home, my wife was there instead of going bowling as she normally does.
I knew I had a conference call at 8pm with the family and the interventionist. I told my wife I was going into our room for the call, and now for the first time in weeks, she now wants to "hear how people are talking about her". I said "Fine by me...you were always invited to be on these calls, but you were the one who refused to participate, so you have always had a chance to present your side, but you ran."
I was surprised myself I said that....and with no emotion....
We jumped on the conference call together, and as soon as the family realized my wife was on the phone, the interventionist went right at her....poking holes through everyone of her feeble attempts to deflect, change the facts, or garner sympathy. Oddly, the only issue I had was for the first time my SIL/BIL were suprisngly silent. They usually ALWAYS have something to say, and yet last night, not so much. By the end of the hour long call my wife was crying, but she dug in her heels, continued to stay stubborn, continued to be in denial, and still announced she "had to leave". Once more the family tried their last ditch effort to get her to stay, go to rehab, seek counseling. (I didn't say anything...I just listened this time, and I suppose I secretly wanted her to go....I need some time away from her as well, the tension is sooo thick. It also make my job and decsion that much easier when I see a lwayer myself this Thursday).
Bottom line is this. We have all tried. I have tried. For months. No one can accuse any of us for not attempting everything in our collective powers (including her own friends now) to get her to see the light. But she's in denial, and she's ill, and she's stubborn, she is irrational, and she has a hardened heart. She cannot be saved until she wants to be saved herself and ask fro help, but her PRIDE is the biggest stumbling block in her way. She is leaving her marriage. She is leaving her daughter. She is leaving her family. Her choice. Her decision.
After the call ended at 9pm, I simply got up, brushed my teeth, went to our bed and watched TV until 10pm. What else am I supposed to do? Fret more? Talk more? Beg more? Nope...I'm done.
She couldn't sleep. She got up at midnight from our bed and went downstairs and tried to sleep on the couch. I know she had a hard time. I, however, did sleep. I got up at 6:30, came down, made myself a cup of coffee and sat on the couch for a few minutes.
She was up and turned to me on the couch "You know, despite what you think, this is very hard for me to do."
"MMmmm...Hmmmm." I replied
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means I don't think it's that hard for you at all. You friends and family have been begging you to stay and you are determined to run. That's what you do best...you either shut down, or you run. It wasn't that hard for you to pack your clothes and car, and make arrangments to live with someone nobody really knows under the guise you need to find a job. Your problems are still your problems no matter what state you run too and you still have a drinking problem. You left your daughter once before during your first marriage, and now you're doing it again. So no, after your own dad asked you not to go and after listening to you on the conference call last night, no, I don't beleive this was hard for you at all."
She started to cry.
I didn't care.
Then I picked up my dogs leash and suited him up.
"Why are you taking the dog? Do you really think that I am that cold-hearted of a bitch to take the dog with me?" She asked,
"I have no idea anymore, but I'm not taking the chance. You are too unpredictable and I'm not leaving you with 'MY' dog if you can just pack everything up and leave."
I headed to the garage and she followed me to the kitchen door. I got in my car and let my dog jump up on my lap.
She called out to me: "Do you want me to call you when I get out there?"
My cold response: "I don't care. Again, the way I look at it is this: You are leaving me. You are leaving your daughter. You are leaving you family, your friends, and your marriage. You left. Your decision."
With that I started my car, and pulled out of the garage. I did not wave, did not say goodbye, didn't say good luck, I'll miss you, I love you, anything. Instead, as I cleared the garage, I just closed the garage door with my remote and saw her just standing in the kitchen doorway staring at me.
My dog is with my parents right now and I will pick him up after work.
Like I said, right now I have no emotion, no feeling.
I'm neither happy, sad, nor elated or angry.
I just am.
I really haven't thought much about my emotions the last 48 hours, and only now as I type this sentence am I aware that I am trying to think of my emotional state.
And I'm coming up blank right now. Like a freshly minted chalkboard with nothing to show, chalk hovering inches above the surface, but not knowing where to start or what to write.
The last 90 hours (just shy of an actual 4 days), a lot has happened. Maybe too much for me to process and even digest right now. Oh, I pray and hope that I don't come crashing down unexpectedly later today or over the course of the next few days.
Simply put....my wife left me and my daughter today.
Let me go back a few days.
Friday was my 42nd birthday. I received no card, no cake, no present from my wife. I got a text 1/2 way through the day that just said "happy birthday". A text message. Anyway, two of my friends treated me to lunch and one was dying to tell me a secret: "Your wife is leaving you on Tuesday." Ice ran through my veins, a sinking pit in my stomach. It was followed up by: "Your wife is an idiot.", and he wasn't saying that to be kind to me or to soften the blow. He's a mutual friend of ours and he recognizes my wife is not in a good place.
Armed with this knowledge that my wife was secretly going to leave me, and also not tell her parents or brother and sister, I took the rest of the day off of work and started to protect myself. First up: close the joint bank account and transfer the little amount of money left into my personal account. Second, close the CC debt consolidation that I have been paying the majority of her cards off for the past year ---NO more. She can pay for herself.
It poured rain all day that day, and my mother was working, and my father still out of town. So my birthday was spent quietly at home listening to the pouring rain, realizing my wife is bailing for 'greener pastures'. Dinner was a microwave steamed TV dinner and I was in bed by 10pm. Yay 42nd birthday.
Saturday morning it was still raining, and I had decided to skip my men's group. The last few times I've gone, I end up balling. I didn't want to cry that morning. My wife got up unusually early...about 8:30 for her and came downstairs. She tried to pay for something on line and discovered that the account was closed. She looked at me, "Did you close the accounts?" "Yup." "Why?" And then I proceded to tell her I knew she was leaving, that my birthday sucked, and that she was running away like always. She was a bit miffed, but I don't care, and still don't.
Yes, her big "pie in the sky" answer to alcoholism and unhappiness is to leave me, her daughter, her family, her friends to another state under the misguided delusional belief she is going to find a job and she doesn't have a drinking problem. Her mistake: she ended up telling her closest girlfriends her plan. It is my understanding that even her closest and most trusted friends thought she was nuts and also believe she is drinking to much and they called her parents. That's how they found out (not from me) and soon my SIL/BIL found out as well.
Saturday morning turned into yet another 1 hour discussion on how everthing wrong is everyone elses fault and not hers. She "needs" to get out of town to "clear her head" and "figure things out on her own". Such a cop-out. Such a "chicken-shit" excuse. I'm not buying it.
She then told me this was a "trial seperation", and she is not filing for divorce. How big of her. I think it's more like the fact she has no money to hire a lawyer, knows she has a problem, up to her eye-balls in debt, has no job, and still wants a safety net "just in case."
I'm too tired to argue. She's made up her mind and I'm not going to waste my breath trying to convince or beg her otherwise. The more and more people find out about this, the more and more are supporting me and telling her she is making a HUGE mistake.
The rest of Saturday I did my own thing: I went back to the gym (which felt great), I went store browsing, I watched a movie (Alexander and Insidious), I even played a video game. I went to bed at 11:30 and felt....nothing.
Sunday, more of the same. I watched her pack a few things, but it really didn't bother me.
I went to work yesterday, Monday, and had a decent day. When I got home, my wife was there instead of going bowling as she normally does.
I knew I had a conference call at 8pm with the family and the interventionist. I told my wife I was going into our room for the call, and now for the first time in weeks, she now wants to "hear how people are talking about her". I said "Fine by me...you were always invited to be on these calls, but you were the one who refused to participate, so you have always had a chance to present your side, but you ran."
I was surprised myself I said that....and with no emotion....
We jumped on the conference call together, and as soon as the family realized my wife was on the phone, the interventionist went right at her....poking holes through everyone of her feeble attempts to deflect, change the facts, or garner sympathy. Oddly, the only issue I had was for the first time my SIL/BIL were suprisngly silent. They usually ALWAYS have something to say, and yet last night, not so much. By the end of the hour long call my wife was crying, but she dug in her heels, continued to stay stubborn, continued to be in denial, and still announced she "had to leave". Once more the family tried their last ditch effort to get her to stay, go to rehab, seek counseling. (I didn't say anything...I just listened this time, and I suppose I secretly wanted her to go....I need some time away from her as well, the tension is sooo thick. It also make my job and decsion that much easier when I see a lwayer myself this Thursday).
Bottom line is this. We have all tried. I have tried. For months. No one can accuse any of us for not attempting everything in our collective powers (including her own friends now) to get her to see the light. But she's in denial, and she's ill, and she's stubborn, she is irrational, and she has a hardened heart. She cannot be saved until she wants to be saved herself and ask fro help, but her PRIDE is the biggest stumbling block in her way. She is leaving her marriage. She is leaving her daughter. She is leaving her family. Her choice. Her decision.
After the call ended at 9pm, I simply got up, brushed my teeth, went to our bed and watched TV until 10pm. What else am I supposed to do? Fret more? Talk more? Beg more? Nope...I'm done.
She couldn't sleep. She got up at midnight from our bed and went downstairs and tried to sleep on the couch. I know she had a hard time. I, however, did sleep. I got up at 6:30, came down, made myself a cup of coffee and sat on the couch for a few minutes.
She was up and turned to me on the couch "You know, despite what you think, this is very hard for me to do."
"MMmmm...Hmmmm." I replied
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means I don't think it's that hard for you at all. You friends and family have been begging you to stay and you are determined to run. That's what you do best...you either shut down, or you run. It wasn't that hard for you to pack your clothes and car, and make arrangments to live with someone nobody really knows under the guise you need to find a job. Your problems are still your problems no matter what state you run too and you still have a drinking problem. You left your daughter once before during your first marriage, and now you're doing it again. So no, after your own dad asked you not to go and after listening to you on the conference call last night, no, I don't beleive this was hard for you at all."
She started to cry.
I didn't care.
Then I picked up my dogs leash and suited him up.
"Why are you taking the dog? Do you really think that I am that cold-hearted of a bitch to take the dog with me?" She asked,
"I have no idea anymore, but I'm not taking the chance. You are too unpredictable and I'm not leaving you with 'MY' dog if you can just pack everything up and leave."
I headed to the garage and she followed me to the kitchen door. I got in my car and let my dog jump up on my lap.
She called out to me: "Do you want me to call you when I get out there?"
My cold response: "I don't care. Again, the way I look at it is this: You are leaving me. You are leaving your daughter. You are leaving you family, your friends, and your marriage. You left. Your decision."
With that I started my car, and pulled out of the garage. I did not wave, did not say goodbye, didn't say good luck, I'll miss you, I love you, anything. Instead, as I cleared the garage, I just closed the garage door with my remote and saw her just standing in the kitchen doorway staring at me.
My dog is with my parents right now and I will pick him up after work.
Like I said, right now I have no emotion, no feeling.
March 15, 2012
And the ball continues to roll downhill.
Well, looks like my wife removed me and her sister from Facebook today.
And a friend just informed me that she posted that she went to the Glen Ivy Spa this afternoon.
Glad to see she's using her unemployment check she just got today for all the "right" reasons.
Just adding fuel to my fire.
Not a good sign.
And a friend just informed me that she posted that she went to the Glen Ivy Spa this afternoon.
Glad to see she's using her unemployment check she just got today for all the "right" reasons.
Just adding fuel to my fire.
Not a good sign.
Wed update
It just gets better and better.
While work was just as tedious and as long as ever in my current state of mind, I was able to focus a bit more, and with each day that goes by, I get a miniscule amount of courage, confidence, and able to digest just a fraction more of my life in its totality.
Each day I come home, it becomes more and more apparent from my wife's lack of action, input, discussion, etc., that she has dug in her heels and will not budge.
I asked her if she heard back from her 'out of state' interviews yet. She did tell me that she infact did (wonder when she was going to tell me). She did not get either job. In a way, I'll be honest....I was disapointed. It would have made my life and decision all that much easier. I don't want a part time wife, one that just leaves for a week and comes home on weekends and 'may' want to work on the marriage. I had already told my family and hers that if she did take the job out of state, I would not hesitate one second to file. So in that regard, it's back to complication.
Our taxes are ready to be picked up. I asked her if she can pick them up since she isn't doing anything. Her response: "No, you can pick them up." I'm not going to fight her. It's just more proof how stubborn she is and threw in the towel. So I will take a 1/2 day tomorrow to pick up the taxes.
This is the first year we owe. We owe approx $1500 this time, and it's all based on the fact she cashed in her 401K and rolled it over to an IRA...something I told her not to do, but she did anyway. She also borrowed $246 from me last week to get her car insurance. We still owe property taxes and she has approx $325 in credit card bills due on the 20th.
I asked her if she can contribute anything right now. She has money for bowling. She has money for beer. She has money for gas to drive out of state. She told me to get an extension of the taxes, that she'd give me back the $246 by Friday, and no response on the property taxes or CC bills.
I am not going down like that. If I don't receive any monies this weekend, I will go to the bank and remove my name from the joint account of ours. If she's going to start bouncing checks again, let that be on her. I can't cover everything and be treated like crap at the same time.
I also went to see my HR rep at work yesterday. I inquired about counseling. My HMO will cover 3 free sessions for a family member, and any session after that costs a office visit co-pay of $30. I offered that to my wife last night if she won't go to rehab. Yet another opportunity I am trying to share with her. She flat out rejected that and said "No."
I went to Al-Anon again last night. That was my 2nd meeting. Only half the people showed up from the first meeting. I shared again. I shared this past week. I started strong, but the last few minutes I broke down and cried. "Where is the woman I met 10 years and married 8.5 years ago? The person in my house is not her, and I miss her."
I came home at 9:15pm, took a shower, and crawled into my bed at 9:30 and watched TV for a half an hour before I fell asleep. The next thing I knew it was 3am this morning and my eyes popped open and I was up for the next two hours before I fell asleep again.
When I finally got up this morning at 6:30 I was feeling a little anxious. I weighed myself. I'm now 209.6lbs, another 2 lb loss since last week. I did not take a Xanax, but had a cup of coffee and prayed. I feel a bit better now, and slightly stronger, but that ebbs and flows throughout the days. 7 days from now I see a lawyer.
I forgive my wife. I love my wife, although I'm not quite sure why right now. But I am giving her chance, after chance, after chance to show me some sign. Some effort on her behalf that she wants to make any of this work.
Nothing.
So everyday that passes and I get no action, effort, or response from her just adds a little bit more resolve for me to file papers.
While work was just as tedious and as long as ever in my current state of mind, I was able to focus a bit more, and with each day that goes by, I get a miniscule amount of courage, confidence, and able to digest just a fraction more of my life in its totality.
Each day I come home, it becomes more and more apparent from my wife's lack of action, input, discussion, etc., that she has dug in her heels and will not budge.
I asked her if she heard back from her 'out of state' interviews yet. She did tell me that she infact did (wonder when she was going to tell me). She did not get either job. In a way, I'll be honest....I was disapointed. It would have made my life and decision all that much easier. I don't want a part time wife, one that just leaves for a week and comes home on weekends and 'may' want to work on the marriage. I had already told my family and hers that if she did take the job out of state, I would not hesitate one second to file. So in that regard, it's back to complication.
Our taxes are ready to be picked up. I asked her if she can pick them up since she isn't doing anything. Her response: "No, you can pick them up." I'm not going to fight her. It's just more proof how stubborn she is and threw in the towel. So I will take a 1/2 day tomorrow to pick up the taxes.
This is the first year we owe. We owe approx $1500 this time, and it's all based on the fact she cashed in her 401K and rolled it over to an IRA...something I told her not to do, but she did anyway. She also borrowed $246 from me last week to get her car insurance. We still owe property taxes and she has approx $325 in credit card bills due on the 20th.
I asked her if she can contribute anything right now. She has money for bowling. She has money for beer. She has money for gas to drive out of state. She told me to get an extension of the taxes, that she'd give me back the $246 by Friday, and no response on the property taxes or CC bills.
I am not going down like that. If I don't receive any monies this weekend, I will go to the bank and remove my name from the joint account of ours. If she's going to start bouncing checks again, let that be on her. I can't cover everything and be treated like crap at the same time.
I also went to see my HR rep at work yesterday. I inquired about counseling. My HMO will cover 3 free sessions for a family member, and any session after that costs a office visit co-pay of $30. I offered that to my wife last night if she won't go to rehab. Yet another opportunity I am trying to share with her. She flat out rejected that and said "No."
I went to Al-Anon again last night. That was my 2nd meeting. Only half the people showed up from the first meeting. I shared again. I shared this past week. I started strong, but the last few minutes I broke down and cried. "Where is the woman I met 10 years and married 8.5 years ago? The person in my house is not her, and I miss her."
I came home at 9:15pm, took a shower, and crawled into my bed at 9:30 and watched TV for a half an hour before I fell asleep. The next thing I knew it was 3am this morning and my eyes popped open and I was up for the next two hours before I fell asleep again.
When I finally got up this morning at 6:30 I was feeling a little anxious. I weighed myself. I'm now 209.6lbs, another 2 lb loss since last week. I did not take a Xanax, but had a cup of coffee and prayed. I feel a bit better now, and slightly stronger, but that ebbs and flows throughout the days. 7 days from now I see a lawyer.
I forgive my wife. I love my wife, although I'm not quite sure why right now. But I am giving her chance, after chance, after chance to show me some sign. Some effort on her behalf that she wants to make any of this work.
Nothing.
So everyday that passes and I get no action, effort, or response from her just adds a little bit more resolve for me to file papers.
March 14, 2012
Tuesday update
After Monday nights conference call, the family came to the conclusion and is looking at me to make my house an Alcohol Free Zone. That means that any alcohol in my house, including the 6 pack my wife bought on Sunday needs to be removed from the house. They also asked me to refrain from drinking anything at all as well, and I agreed.
My wife came home at 9:45pm Monday night from her bowling and appeared to be sober for all intents and purposes but did tell me she did have a couple of beers. Exhausted from the conference call and everything else, I just went to bed and did not discuss with her any that happened on the conference call that evening.
I had a restless night Monday/Tuesday morning. I maybe got 4 hours of sleep and woke up very tense. So tense in fact my legs were aching. I probably should not have had coffee in my anxious state, but I did anyway.
I was debating to wait until I got home to talk to my wife about the Alcohol Free zone, but I couldn't bare the all day wait, so I picked up the phone at around 10am yesterday and called her at home. I was upfront and honest and told her about the conference call and all those that participated. I also told her about the family asking me not to drink for the forseeable future and also to remove all alcohol from our house.
Although she was calm on the phone, and said we would talk later when I got home from work, she said her family was "out of their minds and hypocrites". She said she can "socially drink" and will quit when she is ready too and does not plan on pouring out the beer. Well, I can't say I was happy with her response, but the feeling of getting it out in the open and off my chest for the rest of the day did help me.
AT 3:30pm I received a text from my wife. She was going to visit her aunt 40 miles away and would be home later. I found this odd because in the 8.5 years that we have been married my wife has NEVER 'randomly' visted her aunt under any circumstance.
This means that I would now have to pick up my daughter from work who was upset that her mom didn't pick her up (but such is the case as of late). It also meant that the talk we were 'supposed' to have would not be taking place...again.
My brother in law called me at 7:30 and we spoke for 20 minutes. He wanted to smooth things over a bit from the night before. He realized that my SIL words were a bit "over-the-top" towards me and he said they had a long talk afterwards about her reactions. Anyway, I shared with him the fact my wife was at her aunt's, and he came to the same conclusion without me prompting him: "She has nowhere else to go, is grasping for straws, and trying to get ANY family member left over to see her side of things, to get anyone to empathize with her." Towards the end of the conversation, he was very blunt and honest with me: "You need to file for divorce. She isn't going to change unless she sees you mean business. We all know you have been patient and have endured a lot over the years, but the human body wasn't built for this level of stress on a daily basis that you are going through. We want you to be happy, and we just don't see this marriage continuing with my sister's behavior and attitude."
Wow.
They have gone from asking me to see a lawyer to see what my option are to outright telling me to file for divorce to wake her up. That kinda takes a small burden off me, as part of my emotional problems as of late was wondering if I had acceptance from the family if I went that route.
To add to that, my mother called me this morning as well. I shared what my BIL said to me. She took all of one second to say "We agree. Your dad and I also believe you need a divorce. We want you to be happy and you can find someone else out there, a Christian that has values and has the ability to 'love' back." She also went on to tell me that my aunt and uncle also think I need to divorce my wife that they think "she has problems".
Wow. That's 75% of my family is now urging me to file, with my FIL/MIL 'somewhat' supportive as well.
I am going to my second Al-Anon meeting tonight at 7:30pm. My birthday is this Friday. It's supposed to rain all weekend....typical for me.
Anyway, I meet with a new lawyer on March 22nd.
Onward.
My wife came home at 9:45pm Monday night from her bowling and appeared to be sober for all intents and purposes but did tell me she did have a couple of beers. Exhausted from the conference call and everything else, I just went to bed and did not discuss with her any that happened on the conference call that evening.
I had a restless night Monday/Tuesday morning. I maybe got 4 hours of sleep and woke up very tense. So tense in fact my legs were aching. I probably should not have had coffee in my anxious state, but I did anyway.
I was debating to wait until I got home to talk to my wife about the Alcohol Free zone, but I couldn't bare the all day wait, so I picked up the phone at around 10am yesterday and called her at home. I was upfront and honest and told her about the conference call and all those that participated. I also told her about the family asking me not to drink for the forseeable future and also to remove all alcohol from our house.
Although she was calm on the phone, and said we would talk later when I got home from work, she said her family was "out of their minds and hypocrites". She said she can "socially drink" and will quit when she is ready too and does not plan on pouring out the beer. Well, I can't say I was happy with her response, but the feeling of getting it out in the open and off my chest for the rest of the day did help me.
AT 3:30pm I received a text from my wife. She was going to visit her aunt 40 miles away and would be home later. I found this odd because in the 8.5 years that we have been married my wife has NEVER 'randomly' visted her aunt under any circumstance.
This means that I would now have to pick up my daughter from work who was upset that her mom didn't pick her up (but such is the case as of late). It also meant that the talk we were 'supposed' to have would not be taking place...again.
My brother in law called me at 7:30 and we spoke for 20 minutes. He wanted to smooth things over a bit from the night before. He realized that my SIL words were a bit "over-the-top" towards me and he said they had a long talk afterwards about her reactions. Anyway, I shared with him the fact my wife was at her aunt's, and he came to the same conclusion without me prompting him: "She has nowhere else to go, is grasping for straws, and trying to get ANY family member left over to see her side of things, to get anyone to empathize with her." Towards the end of the conversation, he was very blunt and honest with me: "You need to file for divorce. She isn't going to change unless she sees you mean business. We all know you have been patient and have endured a lot over the years, but the human body wasn't built for this level of stress on a daily basis that you are going through. We want you to be happy, and we just don't see this marriage continuing with my sister's behavior and attitude."
Wow.
They have gone from asking me to see a lawyer to see what my option are to outright telling me to file for divorce to wake her up. That kinda takes a small burden off me, as part of my emotional problems as of late was wondering if I had acceptance from the family if I went that route.
To add to that, my mother called me this morning as well. I shared what my BIL said to me. She took all of one second to say "We agree. Your dad and I also believe you need a divorce. We want you to be happy and you can find someone else out there, a Christian that has values and has the ability to 'love' back." She also went on to tell me that my aunt and uncle also think I need to divorce my wife that they think "she has problems".
Wow. That's 75% of my family is now urging me to file, with my FIL/MIL 'somewhat' supportive as well.
I am going to my second Al-Anon meeting tonight at 7:30pm. My birthday is this Friday. It's supposed to rain all weekend....typical for me.
Anyway, I meet with a new lawyer on March 22nd.
Onward.
March 13, 2012
Not a good day.
Monday morning my wife and I got into an argument...one of the reasons I was so mad. It didn't help that I recieved an email from my SIL wondering how committed I was all of a sudden to the cause. It was kinda a hrash email, and I understand where she is coming from, but at the same time, she's not me, nor is she standing in my shoes, or living under my roof to see the day to day dealing sI go through.
Last night the interventionist held another conference call. My parents did not attend. My step-daughter said she felt that she was being placed in the middle of things (I understand that too) and did not want to participate any longer as she sees nothing happening (I agree).
So it was my BIL/SIL, me, interventionist, & MIL/FIL. FIL didn't say one thing on the phone, so I may as well write him off as well. So we're almost at half strength now.
The first 30 minutes of the call was my BIL/SIL telling me I need to do more. They said I missed opportunities to put my foot down and play hard ball. There is some truth to that, but it was very hard to hear their combined criticism for 30 minutes. I could feel myself fighting back the tears out of frustration. It must be so nice to sit in a sperate house 30 miles away and criticize my every move whether they see it or not and think they have one iota of the pesonal conflict and pain I am going through on a daily basis.
They even told me I need to see a professional therapist...of course at my expense. I've already agreed to go to Al-Anon for them (again, tomorrow night), I am going to a men's support group on Saturday mornings, church on Sundays, listening to the 'Codependent' audio book.....plus I work. How much more can one person do? I'm tapped out.
My wife brought home a six pack of beer on Sunday night and by the time I got home yesterday evening (she went bowling) I noted that two were missing (i.e. drank). Everyone on the phone said I needed to get tough and pour it all out, and tell my wife that our house is now an 'alcohol free zone', and that includes me as well.
I poured one out this morning, but left three. I figure when I get home I will have to sit down and have a talk I am not looking forward to...actually aprehensive and stressed out about...and tell her about the conference call last night and what the family decided that I have to be the trigger man for.
I can only imagine how that is going to go, on top of the argument we had yesterday morning. To me, this is only one more nail in the coffin for our marriage, and everytime I have to get tough either on my behalf or on my families behalf, it only seems to get worse for me.
So this morning, on top of my restless sleep, I have a ball of anxiety that called for a Xanax...that does not appear to be working for me.
Right now I just want to go home and crawl in bed and be left alone. Today is going to be a hard day to concentrate.
Last night the interventionist held another conference call. My parents did not attend. My step-daughter said she felt that she was being placed in the middle of things (I understand that too) and did not want to participate any longer as she sees nothing happening (I agree).
So it was my BIL/SIL, me, interventionist, & MIL/FIL. FIL didn't say one thing on the phone, so I may as well write him off as well. So we're almost at half strength now.
The first 30 minutes of the call was my BIL/SIL telling me I need to do more. They said I missed opportunities to put my foot down and play hard ball. There is some truth to that, but it was very hard to hear their combined criticism for 30 minutes. I could feel myself fighting back the tears out of frustration. It must be so nice to sit in a sperate house 30 miles away and criticize my every move whether they see it or not and think they have one iota of the pesonal conflict and pain I am going through on a daily basis.
They even told me I need to see a professional therapist...of course at my expense. I've already agreed to go to Al-Anon for them (again, tomorrow night), I am going to a men's support group on Saturday mornings, church on Sundays, listening to the 'Codependent' audio book.....plus I work. How much more can one person do? I'm tapped out.
My wife brought home a six pack of beer on Sunday night and by the time I got home yesterday evening (she went bowling) I noted that two were missing (i.e. drank). Everyone on the phone said I needed to get tough and pour it all out, and tell my wife that our house is now an 'alcohol free zone', and that includes me as well.
I poured one out this morning, but left three. I figure when I get home I will have to sit down and have a talk I am not looking forward to...actually aprehensive and stressed out about...and tell her about the conference call last night and what the family decided that I have to be the trigger man for.
I can only imagine how that is going to go, on top of the argument we had yesterday morning. To me, this is only one more nail in the coffin for our marriage, and everytime I have to get tough either on my behalf or on my families behalf, it only seems to get worse for me.
So this morning, on top of my restless sleep, I have a ball of anxiety that called for a Xanax...that does not appear to be working for me.
Right now I just want to go home and crawl in bed and be left alone. Today is going to be a hard day to concentrate.
March 12, 2012
Mad.
Today.....I am mad.
So mad in fact, I had a hard time falling back asleep once I got up at 3am.
So mad, that it has taken me these last few hours just to calm down enough to think straight.
Right now, I feel like like going medieval, but trying to stay centered.
When the enemy attacks, he goes right for the jugular.
I'd write about it right now, but I fear my judgement is clouded.
So mad in fact, I had a hard time falling back asleep once I got up at 3am.
So mad, that it has taken me these last few hours just to calm down enough to think straight.
Right now, I feel like like going medieval, but trying to stay centered.
When the enemy attacks, he goes right for the jugular.
I'd write about it right now, but I fear my judgement is clouded.
March 09, 2012
Finding my voice?
Not sure what happened to the first lawyer I spoke with, but he seems to have fallen off the planet. It's Friday afternoon now, and after two attempts earlier this week, he has not contacted me back.
So I contacted lawyer 'B' yesterday, and he not only called me back today, he scheduled my appt for Mar. 22nd. He claims that he has 35+ years of Family Law practice, and my consulation will be $200 and about an hour and a half long.
That's two weeks from now, so anything can happen between now and then. Maybe my wife will get the job out of state? Maybe my in-laws will convince her to enter rehab? Maybe she will tell me to ____-off anyways?
Anyway, today is day 2 where I have not ingested a Xanax. I'm still on Lexapro, 20mg, but that's it. My appetite is slowly coming back as well, but not 100%. I've been sleeping a tad bit better, but I did awake a few times last night (1am, 2:44am, 4:30am) and finally got up at 6:15am.
My wife and I are still barely speaking to each other. Me, because I haev nothing to say, nor do I want to start in on anything, but I am being cordial and civil. Her,....well, she's also being civil but more or less giving me a wide berth. I have a suspicision she's afraid to talk to me as well.
I had tentative plans to have dinner with my friends tomorrow night, but it looks like that fell through for now. That's a mixed bag. If I had went, that would remove me from my wife, but I'm sure she'd say something unpleasant about it and say something stupid. On the other hand, I'm in no real place to spend money right now in lieu of things and not really sure I am the best of company either. But does this open myself up to her discussions towards me over the next 48 hours? I mean, I will go home tonight, but am I going to face 'her' music? If not tonight, what about all day tomorrow? What about Sunday? Has her father even picked up the phone yet to call her as he said he would? (I haven't heard anything, so I assume not).
Will I go home this weekend only to find the neighbors who think of me as the snake now in my driveway? Will I get more evil snears or dagger eyes?
I think Sunday, I will go to my mom's house in the morning to visit with my dog. My dad is still out of town. No word on my grandmother either.
Listened to my audiobook on the way to work and am learning more about myself, and how I've been reacting to all the drama the last year or so. Now that I can hear it from another perspective, I realize that a lot of my emotional turmoil was brought upon myself, because I lowered my defenses and allowed it to bother me.
One thing I liked from Al-Anon, the 3 C's:
So I contacted lawyer 'B' yesterday, and he not only called me back today, he scheduled my appt for Mar. 22nd. He claims that he has 35+ years of Family Law practice, and my consulation will be $200 and about an hour and a half long.
That's two weeks from now, so anything can happen between now and then. Maybe my wife will get the job out of state? Maybe my in-laws will convince her to enter rehab? Maybe she will tell me to ____-off anyways?
Anyway, today is day 2 where I have not ingested a Xanax. I'm still on Lexapro, 20mg, but that's it. My appetite is slowly coming back as well, but not 100%. I've been sleeping a tad bit better, but I did awake a few times last night (1am, 2:44am, 4:30am) and finally got up at 6:15am.
My wife and I are still barely speaking to each other. Me, because I haev nothing to say, nor do I want to start in on anything, but I am being cordial and civil. Her,....well, she's also being civil but more or less giving me a wide berth. I have a suspicision she's afraid to talk to me as well.
I had tentative plans to have dinner with my friends tomorrow night, but it looks like that fell through for now. That's a mixed bag. If I had went, that would remove me from my wife, but I'm sure she'd say something unpleasant about it and say something stupid. On the other hand, I'm in no real place to spend money right now in lieu of things and not really sure I am the best of company either. But does this open myself up to her discussions towards me over the next 48 hours? I mean, I will go home tonight, but am I going to face 'her' music? If not tonight, what about all day tomorrow? What about Sunday? Has her father even picked up the phone yet to call her as he said he would? (I haven't heard anything, so I assume not).
Will I go home this weekend only to find the neighbors who think of me as the snake now in my driveway? Will I get more evil snears or dagger eyes?
I think Sunday, I will go to my mom's house in the morning to visit with my dog. My dad is still out of town. No word on my grandmother either.
Listened to my audiobook on the way to work and am learning more about myself, and how I've been reacting to all the drama the last year or so. Now that I can hear it from another perspective, I realize that a lot of my emotional turmoil was brought upon myself, because I lowered my defenses and allowed it to bother me.
One thing I liked from Al-Anon, the 3 C's:
- I did not Cause it.
- I cannot Control her.
- I cannot Cure her.
It's in the Lord's hands, and ultimately she has to make certain decisions. And if they are the wrong ones for me, I don't have to adhere or be controlled by those decisions unless I allow myself to be.
It's about finding my voice. Again.
I don't have to be mean. I don't have to be judgemental. I don't have to let it bring me down or affect me...not unless I allow it to.
It's about me being calm and collected and trying my hardest to draw definitive lines in the sand. Black & White. Actions = consequences. (Heh...that looks tough here as I type it, but can I really put it into practice and stick to it? - That's the $100K question).
My mom spoke 'at' me again yesterday via phone. She's under the impression (and therefor, conclusion) my wife will not change....ever.
She's urging me to divorce. My mom wants me to be happy. I've hid a lot from her over the years...to protect her...and myself. I never lied to her...I just chose not to tell her about my wife's issues, or mine for that matter, but it's all out there now.
When she listened to everybody else and their dealings with my wife during the failed intervention, my mother was stunned.
She's upset I didn't have the 'balls' to leave sooner.
My mom is old school...hardcore. If it were up to her, I should have been divorced 2-3 years ago when my health was first starting to be affected, she just didn't know to what extent my emotional and physical states were...because I learned to mask my feelings an hour at time here and there. I put on the good face at family events, all the while I was miserable.
That's it for now.
March 08, 2012
Random thoughts at 1:30
It's a painfully slow day at work today.
It has allowed me to listen a bit more to my new audiobook although I may have to go back and re-listen to portions again to make sure they sank in or that I can digest them. For the life of me right now, I can't seem to recall too much of the last 30 minutes I listened to (perhaps because my brain is shuffling around too much info right now).
My dad called me today from out of state. My grandmother is still alive, no real change in her health one way or another. I was glad to hear from him though and I miss him. He's only been gone since Saturday, but the 17th (when he returns) can't get here soon enough. He's my rock (no offense mom, I love you too if you ever stumble upon this).
Not sure what's going on with the lawyer I met with a few weeks back. I sent an email on Monday and no reply. I called his office yesterday, spoke with his secretary about setting up a new meeting, and I have received no reply yet.
So I contacted a new lawyer today....someone that was referred to me by my best friend. He only practices family law and is somewhat closer to my house, and also on my way home from work, which may be better for me in the long run, especially if the original lawyer is too busy to contact me back.
On the emotional front: I still feel okay today. Still no Xanax and no tears today. I'm reading my daily devotionals, continuing to pray, getting encouragement from my MIL.
My wife supposedly committed to playing "Bunco" at one of the neighbors homes tonight as a substitute for someone else who can't make it. I hope she goes. I know she wants to 'talk' with me, but I honestly can't think of what to say. My SIL & MIL & interventionist say we all need to stay focused and keep any conversation with her about alcohol and treatment. I know my wife will want to talk about other marriage issues, and deflect, and go off on other tangents. It's my job to 'detach' myself from those accusations and only talk about alcohol...which is going to be hard to do.
My prayer today will be for me to brush off all that other crap that may be flung towards me and stay on point. Tougher than it sounds.
I noticed my armpits are particularly sweaty today. Nerves.
It has allowed me to listen a bit more to my new audiobook although I may have to go back and re-listen to portions again to make sure they sank in or that I can digest them. For the life of me right now, I can't seem to recall too much of the last 30 minutes I listened to (perhaps because my brain is shuffling around too much info right now).
My dad called me today from out of state. My grandmother is still alive, no real change in her health one way or another. I was glad to hear from him though and I miss him. He's only been gone since Saturday, but the 17th (when he returns) can't get here soon enough. He's my rock (no offense mom, I love you too if you ever stumble upon this).
Not sure what's going on with the lawyer I met with a few weeks back. I sent an email on Monday and no reply. I called his office yesterday, spoke with his secretary about setting up a new meeting, and I have received no reply yet.
So I contacted a new lawyer today....someone that was referred to me by my best friend. He only practices family law and is somewhat closer to my house, and also on my way home from work, which may be better for me in the long run, especially if the original lawyer is too busy to contact me back.
On the emotional front: I still feel okay today. Still no Xanax and no tears today. I'm reading my daily devotionals, continuing to pray, getting encouragement from my MIL.
My wife supposedly committed to playing "Bunco" at one of the neighbors homes tonight as a substitute for someone else who can't make it. I hope she goes. I know she wants to 'talk' with me, but I honestly can't think of what to say. My SIL & MIL & interventionist say we all need to stay focused and keep any conversation with her about alcohol and treatment. I know my wife will want to talk about other marriage issues, and deflect, and go off on other tangents. It's my job to 'detach' myself from those accusations and only talk about alcohol...which is going to be hard to do.
My prayer today will be for me to brush off all that other crap that may be flung towards me and stay on point. Tougher than it sounds.
I noticed my armpits are particularly sweaty today. Nerves.
Al-Anon - my first meeting
I can honestly say, if you would have asked me some time back one of the last things on Earth I would ever expect myself to particpate in is any 12-step program, let alone based on the behaviors of someone else.
Last night was my 1st Al-Anon meeting.
For those that don't know, Al-Anon is a free support group based on the tennents of the AA 12-step program, but is geared for idviduals or family members that are dealing with an alcoholic or other substance abusive person in their lives.
Thankfully, by luck I found a meeting right in my very town, only a few miles from my house that runs 1.5 hours starting at 7:30pm.
I had only told my wife the day before that I was attending 'a meeting' at 'a' church. No, I did not disclose it was an Al-Anon meeting or name 'the' church. She thought something was fishy, and for the first time in weeks all of a sudden was interested in what I was doing. So much so, that she drove around town last night for 30 minutes, trying to 'catch' me, or 'stalk' me, or whatever you want to call it. Weird. The same person who tells me to leave her alone, ignores me, belittles me to the neighbors, verbally hostile towards me....all of a sudden has an interest on what I am doing. Paranoid? Maybe, but I don't care (at least last night I didn't), and I went and told her I would be home at 9pm.
I could tell you the wacky stunt she pulled, and the weird texts she sent me, but thats besides the point of this post. The fact is, I went to the meeting.
I wasn't sure what to expect. It was held in a small elementary classroom as part of the Episcopal church in town, and the majority of the group (there was about 11 of us) were first timers. I think there was only 3 (including the leader for the night) that were regulars.
I will be honest, the first 1/2 hour was kind of a waste for me. It was obligatory passage reading, the serenity prayer, announcements, etc I guess that happen at every meeting as a formal structure.
It was only the last hour in which people got to share. Being my first time, I wasn't expected to share, but I have nothing to lose and I already came here and made the decision to leave my house, so why not? I voluntered my story. So much has happened over the last few years, and especially these last few month, but I was able to keep it and hit the major point in roughly 7 minutes or so.
They asked me what I wanted out of this experience. I paused, took a few seconds to think about it, and this is what I came up with:
Last night was my 1st Al-Anon meeting.
For those that don't know, Al-Anon is a free support group based on the tennents of the AA 12-step program, but is geared for idviduals or family members that are dealing with an alcoholic or other substance abusive person in their lives.
Thankfully, by luck I found a meeting right in my very town, only a few miles from my house that runs 1.5 hours starting at 7:30pm.
I had only told my wife the day before that I was attending 'a meeting' at 'a' church. No, I did not disclose it was an Al-Anon meeting or name 'the' church. She thought something was fishy, and for the first time in weeks all of a sudden was interested in what I was doing. So much so, that she drove around town last night for 30 minutes, trying to 'catch' me, or 'stalk' me, or whatever you want to call it. Weird. The same person who tells me to leave her alone, ignores me, belittles me to the neighbors, verbally hostile towards me....all of a sudden has an interest on what I am doing. Paranoid? Maybe, but I don't care (at least last night I didn't), and I went and told her I would be home at 9pm.
I could tell you the wacky stunt she pulled, and the weird texts she sent me, but thats besides the point of this post. The fact is, I went to the meeting.
I wasn't sure what to expect. It was held in a small elementary classroom as part of the Episcopal church in town, and the majority of the group (there was about 11 of us) were first timers. I think there was only 3 (including the leader for the night) that were regulars.
I will be honest, the first 1/2 hour was kind of a waste for me. It was obligatory passage reading, the serenity prayer, announcements, etc I guess that happen at every meeting as a formal structure.
It was only the last hour in which people got to share. Being my first time, I wasn't expected to share, but I have nothing to lose and I already came here and made the decision to leave my house, so why not? I voluntered my story. So much has happened over the last few years, and especially these last few month, but I was able to keep it and hit the major point in roughly 7 minutes or so.
They asked me what I wanted out of this experience. I paused, took a few seconds to think about it, and this is what I came up with:
- I want my health back. I don't want to lose weight via stress, have high blood pressure, be on Xanax, maintain my focus and mood.
- I want my sleep back. I don't want to spend anymore sleepless nights wondering what the future may hold, feeling the anxiety keeping me up at nights, quieting my mind from all the scenarios I have no control over.
- I want my spine back. This was the most important one to me. I explained that years ago I used to be a strong male figure. A leader. But over the course of this marriage (and not just because of alcohol), somehow, somewhere, someway, I lost my backbone and have become a doormat to the person I provide for. The love I have for my wife is not reciprocated nor appreciated no matter what I do and therefor I am torturing myself day-in and day-out. I want to wake up someday and say "NO....this is not acceptable and will not be tolerated anylonger." A voice I used to have, but don't have now.
A few others (not all) voluntered their own stories, and I was surprised how similar they sounded to mine. Just change a few names, a few dates, and both the men and women here of diffrent ages were living my life as well.
Some may say that in itself may be empowering, but I'm not so sure. The only thing it told me is that people of all ages have screwed up marriages rooted in addiction, and the behaviors are all the same. It didn't make me feel better, but just sad for all the others expereincing the same degree of pain (maybe more, maybe less) that I am. I really wanted to pray for one man in particular who couldn't have been much older than me, but has two young daughters at stake with a young wife that has been in and out of rehab for years now....and he hasn't left her. He cried in front of us, and I could really empathize. I got him tissues and during the break, I told him don't be embarrassed...I cry all the time, it just so happens last night I told him I was dehydrated and my tear bank was empty.
Overall, it was just about sharing. No one tried to solve anything for anybody. No one was giving legal advice, or choosing sides. It was a group of people that were in love with someone who can't love themselves and we can't understand why. At the end, it felt a little morose, but I left with my head held up high and took a deep breath and went home.
I didn't even get into the wacky antics my wife pulled only hours earlier....I didn't want to even address them. I just took my shower, got in my pajamas (it was cold) and went to bed.
Today is the first morning I got up after sleeping pretty decent that I did not feel the need to pop a Xanax. And now hours later, I still feel okay. I mean that could possibly change, but right now, at least at this instant...I feel 'Okay'.
March 07, 2012
Interlude: Codependent No More
Our family interventionist suggested we read a book: "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. Well, I'm always up for a certain level of challenge, and finding no lasting help thus far in my current situation, I decided to look into this titile.
I was happy to learn there is an unabridged audio version clocking in just shy of 9 hours available on Audible.com for roughly $10. I went ahead and downloaded the 128MB file to my Android phone and began listening yesterday afternoon.
I'm only just shy of two hours into by now (listening both yesterday and this morning already) and have come to the conclusion I am a textbook 'codependent'.
While I may not fit 100% of all the symptons, I do embody quite a bit of them, say a guestimate of 80-85% of the examples given thus far. And it's just not the authors random writings...she provides real life case studies written by real people. It was amazing to hear how many of these stories paralleled my own to a very high degree. Sure, there are some differences here and there, but the overall pictures that these people paint are very similar to my own.
That makes me feel both happy and sad. Sad that these people are expereincing the same level of pain that I am (because it's harsh and it sucks), but happy to know by other first hand accounts that this situation is not unique to me, my family, and not 100% of my doings.
Part I of the book is defing what codependency is, and there symptoms. Part II, which I am now about to begin is the beginnings of how I am going to identify my own issues and start to change myself, for the betterment of myself.
The first key word - detachment. It's only been briefly defined thus far, and I'm sure we'll dig deeper here shortly, but I already get the sense I am going to make the very tough decision and force myself to act upon it, to detach my hurt and current feelings of emptiness, hopelessness, sadness, etc. from a my wife who doesn't give a rip to begin with. I am wasting energy, and emotions on someone who doesn't even recognize them to begin with and is currently incapable of both processing that or even returning any sense of empathy or compassion.
As someone recently told me, she can't love me if she can't love herself. And quite clearly she's living a facade of an exisitence and doesn't even note it herself.
In other news, I will be attending my first open Al-Anon meeting tonight at 7:30. My wife appraoched me this morning (unusual to begin with) and said she wants to talk. Does this have anything to do with the fact she got into a texting war with my BIL/SIL yesterday? The fact my MIL/FIL are upset with her. Funny...you've ignored me for 8 days straight, and now you want to talk. Sorry, tonight I have a meeting, perhaps tomorrow. I've waited and waited and waited to talk to you and we have given you multiple opportunites to voice your side, just to be blown off at every chance.
Now you want to talk?
March 06, 2012
The end of a marriage, or a new beginning? (Part VI)
Sunday/Monday wrap-up.
Saturday evening was touch and go as to whether our smaller Sunday meeting with my wife would actually take place. It was not looking to good as my wife, still only texting (no actual phone calls), kept saying she's in no rush to get anywhere.
Even though her father directly requested that she show up at 2pm, as promised, no one was holding there breath.
Sunday I attended church and an elder pulled me aside seeing that I have been distressed and spoke with me for a good 20 minutes. It really didn't help all that much other than me breaking down and crying and releasing some emotions, all the while counting down the time until 2pm.
The interventionsist called me and said he didn't think my wife was going to come, so he wasn't going to make the drive and I can't blame him. But I was determined to show my inlaws that I still have a fight in me, so I drove to their house and got there at 2pm. I hung out until 3pm and gave up. My wife was a no show. Her parents were very disapointed, but for some reason, my father inlaw despite faced with numerous verbal accounts from the family, and witnessed his own daughter blowing off his specific request, still seems to be in somewhat of denial himself.
He talks big one second, and when we get to the 11th hour, he remains silent. I brought this concern up to the interventionsist, and he agreed....my FIL seems to be mentally wrestling with the facts...of course what parent doesn't want to give thier child a second, thrid, fourth, fifth chance? However, it's becomming clear to me that as a family that is supposed to be united on this front, the patriarch is slowly fading into the background and not leading.
I was back at my home by 3:30pm and I got a text (what is it with my family and texts?) from my MIL that my wife showed up at 3:15 claiming her cell phone was dead. My inlaws didn't excuse her...telling her she should have left earlier, or stopped at a gas station or restaraunt to give call.
My MIL also said that my wife was upset that I was there yet again to give my side of the story and she wasn't, but they said they shot that down saying they have asked for her side of the story for weeks and she either blows them off, or has a convenient excuse of some sort.
She did tell them that while she didn't drink and drive this time, that she did drink when she was out of town, yet another broken promise. She said she could go without drinking and prove us wrong. That didn't last all of two days.
Anyway, she didn't stay long, maybe 30 minutes at most, and was back at our house sometime around 4:30pm. And the first thing she did? Grab the very last beer in the house and drink it in front of me and our daughter. I was so stunned, I was literally speachless, something that my BIL/SIL would eventually give me the 3rd degree for last night when I said that. (I can't seem to win).
My wife was quiet most of the time saying very little to me or our daughter. She watched a little TV with us and made her way up to bed at 8pm. This bummed me out, because that was my strategy....to remove myself and go to our room by myself and watch some TV until I hopefully fell asleep.
So I stayed up until 9:30, and decided to go to our room and I crawled into bed. I guess she couldn't sleep, and somewhere around 2am, went downstairs to try and sleep on the couch to no avail. I eventually got up at 7am, got ready for work and left...again, neither of us saying anything.
Of course my dad called me from out of state, the interventionsist called me, my MIL called me, my mother called me all throughout the day....all offering up the same re-hashed advice that no husband/son wants to hear. Nothing very helpful, just more "You need to do this, you need to do that."
I came home and walked my dog and counetd down to 8pm for our supposed 1Hr family conference call.
What a fricken mess. The 1hr call turned into a 1hr 45 min call, most of it going in circles. The interventionist tried to involve my FIL, but it was pretty evident to everyone he's shying away from all this now. More information and behavior came to light from all the other family memebers, and then it seemed my BIL/SIL slightly turned on me, stating I'm not doing enough. I'm not putting my foot down. Why didn't I say anything when she came home and cracked a beer?
Well, first of all....I am not the Alpha's they are. I'm am worn down, and any few minutes of peace I get these days is a treasure. It's really easy to sit and command from the side lines when you aren't living/breathing it when the monster is in the room. They can easily walk away, hang up the phone, or turn their attentions to something else. My SIL has been married 3x. My BIL 2x. They've been through this before and chose to move on.....I haven't and take my vows seriously. It frustrated me that they feel exasperated that I'm holding back. But what can I do? I already spoke to a lawyer, and I have no legal authority to change the locks or kick her out. She's 42 years old...what am I gonna do...chain her to the door? I have to work....she is unemployed...so I'm gone 50 hours a week and she goes bowling on Monday nights...what/when/how am I uspposed to do anything? No one has any REAL ideas, not even the interventionist, yet my BIL/SIL threw the gauntlent down last night on the phone saying I have to do more!!
Even my daughter finally said "Well, what are WE supposed to do? You aren't here. You don't see the monster that my mom is when she goes off on a tirade or gets in her mood. She's relentless and mean." Yes, we are admiting that both of us who live with her are scared, and my BIL/SIL think that's an excuse on our part. Yeah, because that's what I like...constant yelling, tears, arguments, etc. Again, it's just so easy to be an armchair quarterback and point out things someone should be doing when you're not the one getting your hands bloody.
Finally, we had enough. Eveyone said they thought the meeting was productive. My daughter and I looked at each other and wondered "What meeting were we at then?" Neither she nor I saw anything happen. We heard my BIL/SIL criticize me, my FIL walked away from the phone, and more pressure placed on me...and my wife is still out bowling and doing what she wants.
I had it. After that call, I went to my room, took a sleeping pill, prayed, and just asked to get me through this day.
My wife, surprisingly came home at 10:10 (Thank God the call ended 20 minutes ago). She got into bed herself, facing away from me...we didn't talk at all.
I got up this morning, and here I am at work. I'm having intestinal issues this morning due to the stress of the call, and ended up taking a Xanax at 7am.
Saturday evening was touch and go as to whether our smaller Sunday meeting with my wife would actually take place. It was not looking to good as my wife, still only texting (no actual phone calls), kept saying she's in no rush to get anywhere.
Even though her father directly requested that she show up at 2pm, as promised, no one was holding there breath.
Sunday I attended church and an elder pulled me aside seeing that I have been distressed and spoke with me for a good 20 minutes. It really didn't help all that much other than me breaking down and crying and releasing some emotions, all the while counting down the time until 2pm.
The interventionsist called me and said he didn't think my wife was going to come, so he wasn't going to make the drive and I can't blame him. But I was determined to show my inlaws that I still have a fight in me, so I drove to their house and got there at 2pm. I hung out until 3pm and gave up. My wife was a no show. Her parents were very disapointed, but for some reason, my father inlaw despite faced with numerous verbal accounts from the family, and witnessed his own daughter blowing off his specific request, still seems to be in somewhat of denial himself.
He talks big one second, and when we get to the 11th hour, he remains silent. I brought this concern up to the interventionsist, and he agreed....my FIL seems to be mentally wrestling with the facts...of course what parent doesn't want to give thier child a second, thrid, fourth, fifth chance? However, it's becomming clear to me that as a family that is supposed to be united on this front, the patriarch is slowly fading into the background and not leading.
I was back at my home by 3:30pm and I got a text (what is it with my family and texts?) from my MIL that my wife showed up at 3:15 claiming her cell phone was dead. My inlaws didn't excuse her...telling her she should have left earlier, or stopped at a gas station or restaraunt to give call.
My MIL also said that my wife was upset that I was there yet again to give my side of the story and she wasn't, but they said they shot that down saying they have asked for her side of the story for weeks and she either blows them off, or has a convenient excuse of some sort.
She did tell them that while she didn't drink and drive this time, that she did drink when she was out of town, yet another broken promise. She said she could go without drinking and prove us wrong. That didn't last all of two days.
Anyway, she didn't stay long, maybe 30 minutes at most, and was back at our house sometime around 4:30pm. And the first thing she did? Grab the very last beer in the house and drink it in front of me and our daughter. I was so stunned, I was literally speachless, something that my BIL/SIL would eventually give me the 3rd degree for last night when I said that. (I can't seem to win).
My wife was quiet most of the time saying very little to me or our daughter. She watched a little TV with us and made her way up to bed at 8pm. This bummed me out, because that was my strategy....to remove myself and go to our room by myself and watch some TV until I hopefully fell asleep.
So I stayed up until 9:30, and decided to go to our room and I crawled into bed. I guess she couldn't sleep, and somewhere around 2am, went downstairs to try and sleep on the couch to no avail. I eventually got up at 7am, got ready for work and left...again, neither of us saying anything.
Of course my dad called me from out of state, the interventionsist called me, my MIL called me, my mother called me all throughout the day....all offering up the same re-hashed advice that no husband/son wants to hear. Nothing very helpful, just more "You need to do this, you need to do that."
I came home and walked my dog and counetd down to 8pm for our supposed 1Hr family conference call.
What a fricken mess. The 1hr call turned into a 1hr 45 min call, most of it going in circles. The interventionist tried to involve my FIL, but it was pretty evident to everyone he's shying away from all this now. More information and behavior came to light from all the other family memebers, and then it seemed my BIL/SIL slightly turned on me, stating I'm not doing enough. I'm not putting my foot down. Why didn't I say anything when she came home and cracked a beer?
Well, first of all....I am not the Alpha's they are. I'm am worn down, and any few minutes of peace I get these days is a treasure. It's really easy to sit and command from the side lines when you aren't living/breathing it when the monster is in the room. They can easily walk away, hang up the phone, or turn their attentions to something else. My SIL has been married 3x. My BIL 2x. They've been through this before and chose to move on.....I haven't and take my vows seriously. It frustrated me that they feel exasperated that I'm holding back. But what can I do? I already spoke to a lawyer, and I have no legal authority to change the locks or kick her out. She's 42 years old...what am I gonna do...chain her to the door? I have to work....she is unemployed...so I'm gone 50 hours a week and she goes bowling on Monday nights...what/when/how am I uspposed to do anything? No one has any REAL ideas, not even the interventionist, yet my BIL/SIL threw the gauntlent down last night on the phone saying I have to do more!!
Even my daughter finally said "Well, what are WE supposed to do? You aren't here. You don't see the monster that my mom is when she goes off on a tirade or gets in her mood. She's relentless and mean." Yes, we are admiting that both of us who live with her are scared, and my BIL/SIL think that's an excuse on our part. Yeah, because that's what I like...constant yelling, tears, arguments, etc. Again, it's just so easy to be an armchair quarterback and point out things someone should be doing when you're not the one getting your hands bloody.
Finally, we had enough. Eveyone said they thought the meeting was productive. My daughter and I looked at each other and wondered "What meeting were we at then?" Neither she nor I saw anything happen. We heard my BIL/SIL criticize me, my FIL walked away from the phone, and more pressure placed on me...and my wife is still out bowling and doing what she wants.
I had it. After that call, I went to my room, took a sleeping pill, prayed, and just asked to get me through this day.
My wife, surprisingly came home at 10:10 (Thank God the call ended 20 minutes ago). She got into bed herself, facing away from me...we didn't talk at all.
I got up this morning, and here I am at work. I'm having intestinal issues this morning due to the stress of the call, and ended up taking a Xanax at 7am.
March 05, 2012
The end of a marriage, or a new beginning (Part V)
Hey there all. I want to thank so many people for their support, not that anyone is happy about the situation I find myself in, but the support coming from people that both know me, and those that don't that have offered my wife and myself up for prayer.
No one ever enters a marriage thinking it will end. I know I didn't, and that's perhaps why I waited until I was 32 years old. We dated almost a whole year before we walked down that aisle together and I still remember thinking how beautiful she was in that dress, and visions of kids, and growing old together.
Today I fired off a letter to the lawyer I met back on the Feb 22nd to ask for a follow up meeting at the end of this month to see whether or not I make the very hard and painful decison to move on with my life and try to find some semblance of peace. For as long as my wife denies treatment, continues to put herself first before everyone else, and can't face her demons, then neither she nor I will ever be happy.
As my mother in law told me yesterday (swear), she knows that I have put up with more than anyone could have asked, that I stuck it out through all the bad with very little good and neither she or my father-in-law fault me.
I know I said Wed/Thur would be next in this series, but nothing of note happened. I tried to reach out to my wife on Thursday, but was ignored. And apparently so was everyone else. The only sad thing I have to report is that the neighbor who sent me that ugly text message last Sunday....well, I ran into her on the street. I only planned on having a 5 minute conversation with her, but got sucked into listening to the most one-sided, biased diatribe based on very little factual information ever. I was polite and cordial, midnful to keep my mouth shut and to listen...(kill them with kindness is what I remember hearing).
It was pretty evident that 15 minutes into me listening to her, that I had lost a friend and neighbor. I was told that the intervention was wrong, even more so that the family was involved. Um...then how do interventions work? Who did she think shoudl be involved? Her? The neighborhood enablers? If my wife wanted to quit drinking and could do so on her own, we wouldn't be here today. Do you think I really wanted to do this? To make my life a living hell, be liable for a DUI or worse, and put up with all the shennanigans the whole family has put up for a long time now....just because you're the neighbor and her friend and you think we're ganging up on her?
Good God, I know for a fact if her own daughter was caught up into something bad, she'd do everything possible to save her daughter and could give a rats ass what some schmuck 5 doors down has to say when they only have tidbits of information. Oh well, I suppose that's the least of my current worries.
Every night this past week I've been awakened at 2am, just pondering over things. My thoughts are like that of a scratched record, that keep skipping back and repeating themselves dozens upon dozens of times before I drift back to sleep and muddle through another long day of semi-productive work.
For the first time in years (other than being ill), I was in bed at 9:30pm on Friday night. I skipped bible study Saturday morning. Instead I took my dog for a good hour walk, did chores about the house, 2 loads of laundry, and even went to the gym to ride the bike for 30 minutes. Still dropping weight like a mad-man. Today I weighed in at 210.4 lbs. On January 1st of this year I was 234.6. That's 24.2 lbs I've lost, and not all from diet and excercise....
My appetite is 'meh', and I've been drinking either water or coffee. The last sip of alcohol that touched my lips was one tumbler of whisky on ice 7 days ago to help me relax, and before that, it was another 7 days. So I've had one drink in the past 14 days myself.
I've gotten a lot of advice over the last few days. Tons of text messages, from family and church friends. It's wild to read all the advice. It appears that most think I'm okay to get a divorce, albeit a small number keep asking me to hold on and hold out waiting for some divine answer or act from God. But how long do I wait? Another year? Another 2? Wait until she kills someone? Some think that the mere filing of papers and serving her will show make her sit up and take notice on just how far I've been pushed.
Believe me, I am not taking this lightly at all. In my hearts of hearts, I really am still holding out that something will change in the coming days or weeks, but sooner or later I have to draw a line in the sand. I think it will be the end of the month.
If this isn't bad enough, my father...my rock and support system had to fly off early Saturday morning. My parents got a call a few days back (they didn't want to tell me to help protect me), that his mothers, (my grandmother), health is failing and she may not make it past this week. She's 95 years old, but that doesn't make it any easier. She's saved, but today she's lucid at best. My mom is alone at her house, worrying about both me and my dad. My mom is about to crumble as well emotionally.
So yes, when it rains it pours...and that may explain my rapid weight loss. My stress can be measured on the Rhicter scale.
To be continued....
No one ever enters a marriage thinking it will end. I know I didn't, and that's perhaps why I waited until I was 32 years old. We dated almost a whole year before we walked down that aisle together and I still remember thinking how beautiful she was in that dress, and visions of kids, and growing old together.
Today I fired off a letter to the lawyer I met back on the Feb 22nd to ask for a follow up meeting at the end of this month to see whether or not I make the very hard and painful decison to move on with my life and try to find some semblance of peace. For as long as my wife denies treatment, continues to put herself first before everyone else, and can't face her demons, then neither she nor I will ever be happy.
As my mother in law told me yesterday (swear), she knows that I have put up with more than anyone could have asked, that I stuck it out through all the bad with very little good and neither she or my father-in-law fault me.
I know I said Wed/Thur would be next in this series, but nothing of note happened. I tried to reach out to my wife on Thursday, but was ignored. And apparently so was everyone else. The only sad thing I have to report is that the neighbor who sent me that ugly text message last Sunday....well, I ran into her on the street. I only planned on having a 5 minute conversation with her, but got sucked into listening to the most one-sided, biased diatribe based on very little factual information ever. I was polite and cordial, midnful to keep my mouth shut and to listen...(kill them with kindness is what I remember hearing).
It was pretty evident that 15 minutes into me listening to her, that I had lost a friend and neighbor. I was told that the intervention was wrong, even more so that the family was involved. Um...then how do interventions work? Who did she think shoudl be involved? Her? The neighborhood enablers? If my wife wanted to quit drinking and could do so on her own, we wouldn't be here today. Do you think I really wanted to do this? To make my life a living hell, be liable for a DUI or worse, and put up with all the shennanigans the whole family has put up for a long time now....just because you're the neighbor and her friend and you think we're ganging up on her?
Good God, I know for a fact if her own daughter was caught up into something bad, she'd do everything possible to save her daughter and could give a rats ass what some schmuck 5 doors down has to say when they only have tidbits of information. Oh well, I suppose that's the least of my current worries.
Every night this past week I've been awakened at 2am, just pondering over things. My thoughts are like that of a scratched record, that keep skipping back and repeating themselves dozens upon dozens of times before I drift back to sleep and muddle through another long day of semi-productive work.
For the first time in years (other than being ill), I was in bed at 9:30pm on Friday night. I skipped bible study Saturday morning. Instead I took my dog for a good hour walk, did chores about the house, 2 loads of laundry, and even went to the gym to ride the bike for 30 minutes. Still dropping weight like a mad-man. Today I weighed in at 210.4 lbs. On January 1st of this year I was 234.6. That's 24.2 lbs I've lost, and not all from diet and excercise....
My appetite is 'meh', and I've been drinking either water or coffee. The last sip of alcohol that touched my lips was one tumbler of whisky on ice 7 days ago to help me relax, and before that, it was another 7 days. So I've had one drink in the past 14 days myself.
I've gotten a lot of advice over the last few days. Tons of text messages, from family and church friends. It's wild to read all the advice. It appears that most think I'm okay to get a divorce, albeit a small number keep asking me to hold on and hold out waiting for some divine answer or act from God. But how long do I wait? Another year? Another 2? Wait until she kills someone? Some think that the mere filing of papers and serving her will show make her sit up and take notice on just how far I've been pushed.
Believe me, I am not taking this lightly at all. In my hearts of hearts, I really am still holding out that something will change in the coming days or weeks, but sooner or later I have to draw a line in the sand. I think it will be the end of the month.
If this isn't bad enough, my father...my rock and support system had to fly off early Saturday morning. My parents got a call a few days back (they didn't want to tell me to help protect me), that his mothers, (my grandmother), health is failing and she may not make it past this week. She's 95 years old, but that doesn't make it any easier. She's saved, but today she's lucid at best. My mom is alone at her house, worrying about both me and my dad. My mom is about to crumble as well emotionally.
So yes, when it rains it pours...and that may explain my rapid weight loss. My stress can be measured on the Rhicter scale.
To be continued....
March 02, 2012
Interlude to sadness and madness.
Today, I'm agitated.
But at least I haven't cried yet once today.
I spoke to my MIL this morning. No one has heard from my wife in days now, so I have no idea how the second interview went, or of she even had one. I did hear that she had one interview on Tuesday, that it was gruelling, and she's now not sure she likes the company.
Every free moment I am asking/praying to God to keep me calm and at peace. I am really trying to tunr this over to God and let His will be done and not to take it back. Trying to live one day at a time, nay, one hour at a time in my mind and heart.
Spoke with the interventionist this morning. We agreed that our second meeting (if she shows up) will include a change of venue and smaller in scale. It will now be at my inlaws house (instead of mine) with only my inlaws, myself, my wife and the interventionist. We are removing my parents, my BIL/SIL, and the hostile/nosey eyes of the neighbors whose judgements against me appear to have already been cast evem though we've never spoken and they don't know what happens in my house. Either way, I plan this time on going back to my own home when it's over and I don't care how uncomfortable either of us are.
That's supposed to take place in 48 hours from now.
I'm trying not to get mad and to concentrate at work, but I can tell I'm agitated now and my frustration is beginning to boil and mount and I have no release.
My dad walked my dog today for me a good hour and half. I'm glad he did, because I've felt horrible I haven't done it the last two days myself.
Looks like tonight I will spend another night home, alone, watching TV, eating leftovers, and hitting bed at a decent hour. Need to get my sleep, clear my mind, and rest up for Sunday.
My mouth is continuously dry, like cotton mouth. I wonder if this is a side effect of any of the meds I'm currently on.
But at least I haven't cried yet once today.
I spoke to my MIL this morning. No one has heard from my wife in days now, so I have no idea how the second interview went, or of she even had one. I did hear that she had one interview on Tuesday, that it was gruelling, and she's now not sure she likes the company.
Every free moment I am asking/praying to God to keep me calm and at peace. I am really trying to tunr this over to God and let His will be done and not to take it back. Trying to live one day at a time, nay, one hour at a time in my mind and heart.
Spoke with the interventionist this morning. We agreed that our second meeting (if she shows up) will include a change of venue and smaller in scale. It will now be at my inlaws house (instead of mine) with only my inlaws, myself, my wife and the interventionist. We are removing my parents, my BIL/SIL, and the hostile/nosey eyes of the neighbors whose judgements against me appear to have already been cast evem though we've never spoken and they don't know what happens in my house. Either way, I plan this time on going back to my own home when it's over and I don't care how uncomfortable either of us are.
That's supposed to take place in 48 hours from now.
I'm trying not to get mad and to concentrate at work, but I can tell I'm agitated now and my frustration is beginning to boil and mount and I have no release.
My dad walked my dog today for me a good hour and half. I'm glad he did, because I've felt horrible I haven't done it the last two days myself.
Looks like tonight I will spend another night home, alone, watching TV, eating leftovers, and hitting bed at a decent hour. Need to get my sleep, clear my mind, and rest up for Sunday.
My mouth is continuously dry, like cotton mouth. I wonder if this is a side effect of any of the meds I'm currently on.
March 01, 2012
The end of a marriage, or a new beginning? (Part IV)
Tuesday.
I texted my wife in the morning: "Thinking of you and saying prayers for us."
No response.
More and more frustration is setting in. Two days have gone by now and I feel as if I am in utter limbo. I have no idea what is going on...with anyone....which makes my exsistence at work feel all the more lonely.
I can't believe I'm still able to function at work while averaging 3-4 hours of sleep a night and extreme anxiety of an unclear future. I'm going home tonight to an empty house. My step-daughter has elected to spend the night at a friends house for the next two nights, so I know I have the whole place to myself.
Later in the afternoon, a fellow church member from my men's group (a former drug an alcoholic himself in a former life...now sober for 15+ years) offers to come by my house sometime tonight, and I agree. I could use a little company and spiritual support.
It's cold when I get home at 5:40pm so I turn on the heater. A quick look around shows that everything in the house appears to be intact. A decent sign I suppose.
I put some of my toiletries away, look through the mail, and take a nice hot shower and jump in my sweats. I don't have much of an appetite still, but I manage a few tortilla chips and some salsa and a large glass of water.
There's my own whisky bottle at the bar...mocking me. I want my own drink. My carnal side desires it, feels that I deserve it for the crap I've been going through the last 72 hours. Just one glass will help take the edge off I figure, maybe warm my belly, and help me sleep better.
Then my spirtual side kicks in. No. I can't. Isn't this what the whole thing is about? Alcohol abuse? How better am I if I start to go down that path? I decide not to afterall.
Finally at around 6:45, not just one, but two men from my church support group stops by and allows me to unload. This isn't their problem, this isn't their life, yet they lived it themselves before in the past and just sit and listen. I really needed that. I really needed to just talk to someone that I wasn't related to....who could identify because they had their own issues in the past. I'm very thankful for them.
I'm not sure what I expected. They prayed for me, my wife, the situation....but nothing has changed. Has it?
They leave at 8pm and I manage to stay up until 10. I go to bed and quickly fall asleep with the help of a single sleeping pill. I put on an extra blanket because I'm cold, and I like the feeling of the extra weight, and the house is empty other than my dog who cuddles up next to me.
I awake suddenly at 2:30am. My heart is beating fast and there's a knot in my sternum.....anxiety and stress. I spend the next 1.5 hours praying for the thousandth time, the same prayer. I've said it so many times now, I'm not even sure if I mean it anymore. I want to...I want to badly...but I can't think of anything new to say or ask.
I've been told to Thank Jesus for everything....that everything unfolds via His hand...if I only place my trust in Him. Paul tells us: "Do not worry about anything, instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand." (Eph 4:6-7)
I try this over and over and over again, yet I feel no peace. And what excatly am I to thank God for in this situation? I'm at a loss for an answer.
I sleep a bit more, but get up at 6am. I have a cup of coffee, pop my pills, read my devotional, say goodbye to my dog and drive up to work. Another long day ahead of me.
I still haven't heard from my wife, or feel any better about anything.....
Next: Wed/Thur
I texted my wife in the morning: "Thinking of you and saying prayers for us."
No response.
More and more frustration is setting in. Two days have gone by now and I feel as if I am in utter limbo. I have no idea what is going on...with anyone....which makes my exsistence at work feel all the more lonely.
I can't believe I'm still able to function at work while averaging 3-4 hours of sleep a night and extreme anxiety of an unclear future. I'm going home tonight to an empty house. My step-daughter has elected to spend the night at a friends house for the next two nights, so I know I have the whole place to myself.
Later in the afternoon, a fellow church member from my men's group (a former drug an alcoholic himself in a former life...now sober for 15+ years) offers to come by my house sometime tonight, and I agree. I could use a little company and spiritual support.
It's cold when I get home at 5:40pm so I turn on the heater. A quick look around shows that everything in the house appears to be intact. A decent sign I suppose.
I put some of my toiletries away, look through the mail, and take a nice hot shower and jump in my sweats. I don't have much of an appetite still, but I manage a few tortilla chips and some salsa and a large glass of water.
There's my own whisky bottle at the bar...mocking me. I want my own drink. My carnal side desires it, feels that I deserve it for the crap I've been going through the last 72 hours. Just one glass will help take the edge off I figure, maybe warm my belly, and help me sleep better.
Then my spirtual side kicks in. No. I can't. Isn't this what the whole thing is about? Alcohol abuse? How better am I if I start to go down that path? I decide not to afterall.
Finally at around 6:45, not just one, but two men from my church support group stops by and allows me to unload. This isn't their problem, this isn't their life, yet they lived it themselves before in the past and just sit and listen. I really needed that. I really needed to just talk to someone that I wasn't related to....who could identify because they had their own issues in the past. I'm very thankful for them.
I'm not sure what I expected. They prayed for me, my wife, the situation....but nothing has changed. Has it?
They leave at 8pm and I manage to stay up until 10. I go to bed and quickly fall asleep with the help of a single sleeping pill. I put on an extra blanket because I'm cold, and I like the feeling of the extra weight, and the house is empty other than my dog who cuddles up next to me.
I awake suddenly at 2:30am. My heart is beating fast and there's a knot in my sternum.....anxiety and stress. I spend the next 1.5 hours praying for the thousandth time, the same prayer. I've said it so many times now, I'm not even sure if I mean it anymore. I want to...I want to badly...but I can't think of anything new to say or ask.
I've been told to Thank Jesus for everything....that everything unfolds via His hand...if I only place my trust in Him. Paul tells us: "Do not worry about anything, instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand." (Eph 4:6-7)
I try this over and over and over again, yet I feel no peace. And what excatly am I to thank God for in this situation? I'm at a loss for an answer.
I sleep a bit more, but get up at 6am. I have a cup of coffee, pop my pills, read my devotional, say goodbye to my dog and drive up to work. Another long day ahead of me.
I still haven't heard from my wife, or feel any better about anything.....
Next: Wed/Thur
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