Well, my Father's Day was decent on most account, albeit it pretty long.
I had gotten up early in the morning to smoke a beef brisket for my Father, Father-In-Law, and Brother-In=Law. It was about a 7 hour process which also included us cleaning the house as best as we could and making other dishes as well.
My father isn't so much on presents or wrapping paper or cards, but I still feel obligated (in a good and respectful way) to acknowledge him. Besides cooking all day, I also printed some pictures out for him of the two of us together, and him and my dog (his grand'pup' as he puts it) and some visors for his daily walks.
I think everyone enjoyed the afternoon/evening together, and 9:30 pm I was pretty tuckered out. My wife's generosity was very nice on Sunday. She gave me a card, from our dog of course, and after my shower, gave me a massage.....something that hasn't happened in years...and it was longer than the 5 minutes I thought I was going to get. Lasted more like 15. She's not the best massuese in the world, but that doesn't really matter....the fact that she attempted and did so for at least 15 minutes and helped cook and clean was very nice.
The only dissapointing facet of the day was the no call from my step-daughter. Nope...no call, no text, no email, no card...nada. Well, I kinda expected that to begin with, but I suppose even knowing that ahead of time and setting my expectations to zero...still 'stings' a bit.
It's a good thing I put in for Monday off, as I really needed to sleep in. My wife and I spent the day together cleaning up the house...I even steam-cleaned the carpet downstairs. Took myself to see Green Lantern...(I liked it BTW)...rebuilt my grandafathers PC, and was in bed again at 10pm last night, but that was mostly due to my medication kicking my butt.
Now I'm back to work, and we're a bit short handed today, but it' super slow. 3.5 more days until the weekend.
June 21, 2011
June 13, 2011
Christmas in June
It happened so quickly, I had to do a double take in my head and play it back quickly to make sure I heard right.
Friday night after work I went to the gym and had a nice work out. I was feeling pretty strong as I finally had a nice outlet for my pent up anger the last few days.
When I got home, my neighbor called me over to take a look at his RV rental for the weekend which was pretty nice. My wife happened to be there as well and during a excited conversation taking place between some of my neighbors, my wife quickly turned to me when no one else was paying attention and said: "I'm sorry for the other night and picking a fight." and quickly turned back to the crowd.
Wow.
I sat there stunned, but I just nodded and said "Thank you." Yeah, I could've made a big deal out of it, talked about it more, tell her how it made me feel the last two days, etc., etc., but in the end, I figured it was much more humble to just accept it and move on.
I spent the rest of the weekend working diligently on a train model, playing my X-box, watching movies via Netflix, and doing some chores. The wife wasn't feeling well on Sunday, she spent most of the day on the couch, or in bed, but overall it was a nice and low-key weekend. Didn't want to get up this morning, work is extremely slow today....making me wish I wasn't here, but my wife still has no leads and so we have to watch our wallets. I had a $2.50 frozen lunch and a packet of oatmeal for breakfast, and counting the hours before I go home.
Friday night after work I went to the gym and had a nice work out. I was feeling pretty strong as I finally had a nice outlet for my pent up anger the last few days.
When I got home, my neighbor called me over to take a look at his RV rental for the weekend which was pretty nice. My wife happened to be there as well and during a excited conversation taking place between some of my neighbors, my wife quickly turned to me when no one else was paying attention and said: "I'm sorry for the other night and picking a fight." and quickly turned back to the crowd.
Wow.
I sat there stunned, but I just nodded and said "Thank you." Yeah, I could've made a big deal out of it, talked about it more, tell her how it made me feel the last two days, etc., etc., but in the end, I figured it was much more humble to just accept it and move on.
I spent the rest of the weekend working diligently on a train model, playing my X-box, watching movies via Netflix, and doing some chores. The wife wasn't feeling well on Sunday, she spent most of the day on the couch, or in bed, but overall it was a nice and low-key weekend. Didn't want to get up this morning, work is extremely slow today....making me wish I wasn't here, but my wife still has no leads and so we have to watch our wallets. I had a $2.50 frozen lunch and a packet of oatmeal for breakfast, and counting the hours before I go home.
June 10, 2011
....And 36 hours later....
....things are back to normal?
Yes, this morning when I awoke (about 30 minutes before my wife), I went ahead with my regular routine: coffee, clean-up, dress for work. And my wife begins talking to me like NOTHING HAPPENED Wed. night.
Huh?
Okay, so there's a white elephant in the room...at least there was yesterday. I walked away from a argument...one I didn't start or wanted to be a part of, and still scratching my head why it even happened to begin with. I was angry. I was upset. I walked away in the heat of her tirade lest I do/say something bad.
I stewed most of the day yesterday. We didn't speak at all. I left my house without a word and went about my day trying to put it out of my mind, but it's harder than you think, especially when you believe you're the victim of an unwarranted attack.
I knew yesterday she was going to go out with some of her friends in the evening for a 'GNO' as she calls it....girls night out. Yeah, I understand those....everyone needs to be around their own sex one in a while. I sometimes go out with my guy neighbors....but I usually reserve it for the weekends, or when we have extra money and I can buy a few beers. Anway, I decided to take myself out last night for a few hours as well. After I got home from work, I walked my dog briefly and then went to go see 'X-Men: First Class' in town (pretty darn good by the way...actually better than 'X-Men: Last Stand' from a few years ago).
By the end of the movie, a good portion of my anger had finally subsided, but was still there. I got home at 9:30pm....wife was still out. I ended up skipping dinner and despite the temptation to have an adult beverage, I also passed on that as well. Figuring I needed a good night sleep, I took an OTC sleeping aid and settled into bed at 10pm, dog nestled by my side.
Unsure when my wife actually came home, but somewhere around midnight I was briefly awakened by her getting into bed. My viens were like ice for a second, waiting for her to acknowledge me or try to wake me up to talk, but she didn't, and I was glad for that. I fell back asleep shortly thereafter.
When I first got up this morning, my anger and disapointment was still there, but only a fraction of what it was. In all honesty, I really didn't want to talk to her at all again.....I contemplated just walking back out the door like I did yesterday. But I was reading the bible yesterday about 'anger'....and all the regular verses of forgiviness, slow to anger, don't let the sun go down on your wrath,....blah, blah, blah. I was reading it, but it wasn't sinking in....or I wasn't allowing it to sink in.
Anyway, I figured I should at least say "Good-bye" and kiss her on the forehead, and with any luck, she'd leave me alone and I can escape. It's too early for round 2 and I don't want to start my day off with that. So I leaned over, and kissed her and said good-by and walked downstairs.
A minute or so later, my wife arose and came down as well....and started talking to me like Wed. never happened. I didn't stay long, I really was on my way out the door, but these actions or complete emotional reversals, or situational denials, or whatever you want to call them always throw me for a loop. It's her typical M.O.: pretend nothing happened, offer no apology, don't talk about it, just wipe out the last 36 hours with a magic wand and magically Wed. afternoon blends into Friday morning, Drives me insane.
I was super hungry this morning since I skipped dinner last night, so I took myself to a bagel shop this morning. I weighed in at 217lbs this morning a few pounds up from a month ago, but down a few lbs from earlier in the week. I had a cheddar-pesto bagel with sun-dried tomato spread, fresh cucumbers and fresh tomatos and a cup of coffee. It was was delicious.
Yes, this morning when I awoke (about 30 minutes before my wife), I went ahead with my regular routine: coffee, clean-up, dress for work. And my wife begins talking to me like NOTHING HAPPENED Wed. night.
Huh?
Okay, so there's a white elephant in the room...at least there was yesterday. I walked away from a argument...one I didn't start or wanted to be a part of, and still scratching my head why it even happened to begin with. I was angry. I was upset. I walked away in the heat of her tirade lest I do/say something bad.
I stewed most of the day yesterday. We didn't speak at all. I left my house without a word and went about my day trying to put it out of my mind, but it's harder than you think, especially when you believe you're the victim of an unwarranted attack.
I knew yesterday she was going to go out with some of her friends in the evening for a 'GNO' as she calls it....girls night out. Yeah, I understand those....everyone needs to be around their own sex one in a while. I sometimes go out with my guy neighbors....but I usually reserve it for the weekends, or when we have extra money and I can buy a few beers. Anway, I decided to take myself out last night for a few hours as well. After I got home from work, I walked my dog briefly and then went to go see 'X-Men: First Class' in town (pretty darn good by the way...actually better than 'X-Men: Last Stand' from a few years ago).
By the end of the movie, a good portion of my anger had finally subsided, but was still there. I got home at 9:30pm....wife was still out. I ended up skipping dinner and despite the temptation to have an adult beverage, I also passed on that as well. Figuring I needed a good night sleep, I took an OTC sleeping aid and settled into bed at 10pm, dog nestled by my side.
Unsure when my wife actually came home, but somewhere around midnight I was briefly awakened by her getting into bed. My viens were like ice for a second, waiting for her to acknowledge me or try to wake me up to talk, but she didn't, and I was glad for that. I fell back asleep shortly thereafter.
When I first got up this morning, my anger and disapointment was still there, but only a fraction of what it was. In all honesty, I really didn't want to talk to her at all again.....I contemplated just walking back out the door like I did yesterday. But I was reading the bible yesterday about 'anger'....and all the regular verses of forgiviness, slow to anger, don't let the sun go down on your wrath,....blah, blah, blah. I was reading it, but it wasn't sinking in....or I wasn't allowing it to sink in.
Anyway, I figured I should at least say "Good-bye" and kiss her on the forehead, and with any luck, she'd leave me alone and I can escape. It's too early for round 2 and I don't want to start my day off with that. So I leaned over, and kissed her and said good-by and walked downstairs.
A minute or so later, my wife arose and came down as well....and started talking to me like Wed. never happened. I didn't stay long, I really was on my way out the door, but these actions or complete emotional reversals, or situational denials, or whatever you want to call them always throw me for a loop. It's her typical M.O.: pretend nothing happened, offer no apology, don't talk about it, just wipe out the last 36 hours with a magic wand and magically Wed. afternoon blends into Friday morning, Drives me insane.
I was super hungry this morning since I skipped dinner last night, so I took myself to a bagel shop this morning. I weighed in at 217lbs this morning a few pounds up from a month ago, but down a few lbs from earlier in the week. I had a cheddar-pesto bagel with sun-dried tomato spread, fresh cucumbers and fresh tomatos and a cup of coffee. It was was delicious.
June 09, 2011
"You owe me!"
That thought came into my head today at lunch and I instantly knew it was wrong.
It was birthed by my festering foul mood that is ongoing, even now, as I write this. Here's to hoping that my blog today will let me express my anger (whether justified...or not) and prove to be the therapuetic tool I often pretend it to be.
Thinsg have been going well for all intents and purposes between my wife and I as of late...that it the last few weeks anyway. She even took me to a very nice lunch yesterday and we had been spending more time with each other as of late which is something I have often longed for.
Last night I was watching television at around 10pm and out of nowhere my wife asks me: "Have I been a bitch this last week?"
Uh, oh. This cannot be a good sign under any circumstances and the timing of the question seems odd to me.
I sat silent for a what seemed liked two-three minutes (actually more like only 15 seconds actually transpired but my silence was an awkward pause of really trying to examine her question) and a few thoughts raced in my head all at once: 1) Why is she asking this? 2) ::I replayed the events of the past 2 weeks in my head, seriously searching for a 'questionable' moment::, 3) What is she really asking and why? 4) How do I answer?
I couldn't really think of a bad moment, and cautiously answered "No.", waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean, who asks this at 10pm on a Wed. night if they don't have something on their mind?
I won't go into the blow by blow accounts, but before I knew it I heard myself saying "Really? You want to pick a fight at 10:20pm....out of nowhere....when I am just minding my own business watching TV?"
She said this wasn't a fight....but I know better than that by now. No matter what I say, or don't say...I am not going to escape this. Sure as shit...she was on a mission....she had a burr up her behind about something (I still don't know what)...and before I knew it I'm on the defensive in regards to things that: A) Were never said, B) Never transpired, C) And other "facts" were created out of thin-air.
I felt completely blind-sided, ambushed, and 'talked-down' to for the better half of 30 minutes. By this time, I am getting heated myself. I start to swear, I start to raise my voice, I de-evolved myself to a pointing-finger high school brat (something I am quite aware of....and certainly not proud of).
Once again, trying to regain my composure and put an end to "who knows what", I pointed out she started this...not me...I was just watching TV and getting ready for bed.
The icing of the cake was the moment she said to me: "You put me down."
WHAT?????
Since my wife has lost her job about 5 weeks back (she still isn't working), I have completely stayed out of her way....VERY SENSITIVE to the fact she's feeling vulnerable and scared. I feel I have been very supportive in her downtime. I have often thanked her for cleaning the house, cooking meals, walking the dog more oftenm taking me to lunch. Never once have I demanded to see her resume, asked who, when and how many resumes she sent out or how the job search is going. I haven't asked her to clean, to cook (maybe walk the dog so I didn't have to when I came home), and I AM PUTTING HER DOWN?
I ask "How?" "How am I putting you down?" "What have I said or done?" At this point I have reached my limit. I am pissed. I am angry. I am livid we are at each others throat at 10:45pm...and I still can't even tell you how this spun out of control. I finally said I was "Done" And "I'm going to bed".
"No your not.", she said. "I am talking to you and you are going to listen."
"No, You have talked for 45 minutes and I have listened. It's late, I don't want to fight, I don't even know what I am fighting about, or why I am on the defensive."
I know myself....well enough....that I have to walk away right now, despite her needling, lest I REALLY say or DO something we (more so me) will regret. She yelled after me..."F"-it...I just walked upstairs and went to bed....angry at about 11:15.
She finally came up at around midnight and went to bed as well, but nothing was said to me.
I woke up at 3am....still angry....and asked Jesus to lift my anger so I could get back to sleep. I prayed a simple prayer and was back to sleep in minutes....only to get up at 6:30 am still angry.
I got ready for work by myself and left without saying "Goodbye". Yes, I should be the bigger person. I should say "Good-bye" and tell her I "love" her because you never know if today is going to be your last day....But I didn't and I'm still mad.
I'm also mad she hasn't attempted to contact me yet so far today to either: a) apologize, b) see how I am doing. No "sorry" isn't in her vocabulary.
So anyway, what up with "You owe me"?
I was sitting at lunch, thinking about...trying to piece together....what in the hell happened last night. After a few weeks of getting along just fine, better than fine mind you...seeing a glimmer of my old wife, she wants to start a self-made tussle.
I was angry at God. "You owe me." came from the thought that for all the 'crap' I put up with, I figure God better have something good for me in the end. I need a pass into heaven, a sure thing to peace and joy and happiness...damn everyone else. So un-christian and oh-so-human.
No...Damn me. Damn me for getting sucked into an immature, finger pointing argument. Damn me for going to bed angry and letting this anger consume me today. Damn me for 'demanding' God owes me anything at all.
Sigh.
Anger is such a consuming emotion and serves no purpose other than taking our eyes of the big picture.
It was birthed by my festering foul mood that is ongoing, even now, as I write this. Here's to hoping that my blog today will let me express my anger (whether justified...or not) and prove to be the therapuetic tool I often pretend it to be.
Thinsg have been going well for all intents and purposes between my wife and I as of late...that it the last few weeks anyway. She even took me to a very nice lunch yesterday and we had been spending more time with each other as of late which is something I have often longed for.
Last night I was watching television at around 10pm and out of nowhere my wife asks me: "Have I been a bitch this last week?"
Uh, oh. This cannot be a good sign under any circumstances and the timing of the question seems odd to me.
I sat silent for a what seemed liked two-three minutes (actually more like only 15 seconds actually transpired but my silence was an awkward pause of really trying to examine her question) and a few thoughts raced in my head all at once: 1) Why is she asking this? 2) ::I replayed the events of the past 2 weeks in my head, seriously searching for a 'questionable' moment::, 3) What is she really asking and why? 4) How do I answer?
I couldn't really think of a bad moment, and cautiously answered "No.", waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean, who asks this at 10pm on a Wed. night if they don't have something on their mind?
I won't go into the blow by blow accounts, but before I knew it I heard myself saying "Really? You want to pick a fight at 10:20pm....out of nowhere....when I am just minding my own business watching TV?"
She said this wasn't a fight....but I know better than that by now. No matter what I say, or don't say...I am not going to escape this. Sure as shit...she was on a mission....she had a burr up her behind about something (I still don't know what)...and before I knew it I'm on the defensive in regards to things that: A) Were never said, B) Never transpired, C) And other "facts" were created out of thin-air.
I felt completely blind-sided, ambushed, and 'talked-down' to for the better half of 30 minutes. By this time, I am getting heated myself. I start to swear, I start to raise my voice, I de-evolved myself to a pointing-finger high school brat (something I am quite aware of....and certainly not proud of).
Once again, trying to regain my composure and put an end to "who knows what", I pointed out she started this...not me...I was just watching TV and getting ready for bed.
The icing of the cake was the moment she said to me: "You put me down."
WHAT?????
Since my wife has lost her job about 5 weeks back (she still isn't working), I have completely stayed out of her way....VERY SENSITIVE to the fact she's feeling vulnerable and scared. I feel I have been very supportive in her downtime. I have often thanked her for cleaning the house, cooking meals, walking the dog more oftenm taking me to lunch. Never once have I demanded to see her resume, asked who, when and how many resumes she sent out or how the job search is going. I haven't asked her to clean, to cook (maybe walk the dog so I didn't have to when I came home), and I AM PUTTING HER DOWN?
I ask "How?" "How am I putting you down?" "What have I said or done?" At this point I have reached my limit. I am pissed. I am angry. I am livid we are at each others throat at 10:45pm...and I still can't even tell you how this spun out of control. I finally said I was "Done" And "I'm going to bed".
"No your not.", she said. "I am talking to you and you are going to listen."
"No, You have talked for 45 minutes and I have listened. It's late, I don't want to fight, I don't even know what I am fighting about, or why I am on the defensive."
I know myself....well enough....that I have to walk away right now, despite her needling, lest I REALLY say or DO something we (more so me) will regret. She yelled after me..."F"-it...I just walked upstairs and went to bed....angry at about 11:15.
She finally came up at around midnight and went to bed as well, but nothing was said to me.
I woke up at 3am....still angry....and asked Jesus to lift my anger so I could get back to sleep. I prayed a simple prayer and was back to sleep in minutes....only to get up at 6:30 am still angry.
I got ready for work by myself and left without saying "Goodbye". Yes, I should be the bigger person. I should say "Good-bye" and tell her I "love" her because you never know if today is going to be your last day....But I didn't and I'm still mad.
I'm also mad she hasn't attempted to contact me yet so far today to either: a) apologize, b) see how I am doing. No "sorry" isn't in her vocabulary.
So anyway, what up with "You owe me"?
I was sitting at lunch, thinking about...trying to piece together....what in the hell happened last night. After a few weeks of getting along just fine, better than fine mind you...seeing a glimmer of my old wife, she wants to start a self-made tussle.
I was angry at God. "You owe me." came from the thought that for all the 'crap' I put up with, I figure God better have something good for me in the end. I need a pass into heaven, a sure thing to peace and joy and happiness...damn everyone else. So un-christian and oh-so-human.
No...Damn me. Damn me for getting sucked into an immature, finger pointing argument. Damn me for going to bed angry and letting this anger consume me today. Damn me for 'demanding' God owes me anything at all.
Sigh.
Anger is such a consuming emotion and serves no purpose other than taking our eyes of the big picture.
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