Anxiety attack

I can't pinpoit the exact reason, but last night at about 6pm, I felt the early signs of an anxiety/panic attack.

I hadn't had one for some time, but I probably worked myself up for various reasons yesterday. I'm sure most of it had to do with finances....We have property taxes, mortgage, home owners insurance, both vehicle registration all due within the coming weeks including Christmas. I have 13 more car payments to make on my car before I can breathe a little easier, but of course that's a year from now and doesn't do me any good today.

Couple that with the revelation of my step-daughters negative viewpoint on religion and her 'graduation' from independant study yesterday...of course with no plan moving forward at this point (no plans for college, no plans to get sa drivers license, no idea on what she wants to do, etc).

By the time I got home from work yesterday, I felt that tightening happening in my chest. The feel of adrenaline building up in a ball just behind my sternum with nowhere to go, no outlet. My body getting an occasional shiver of ice running through my veins and my jaw tense enough I realized my teeth were hurting from clenching down.

It's supposed to be the start of the Holidays....where I should be able to relax and let go and thinking about a turkey and mash potatoe induced coma, but instead I'm on edge.

I ended up taking a Clonzapen before our dinner last night in which we were to 'celebrate' my daughter's graduation. I took it at home and thank goodness it kicked in by the time we got to the restaraunt. I felt a little 'high', or as close to that feeling I can describe without being on illict substances, and proceded to make it through dinner much more relaxed and 'floaty'.

We got home at around 9pm and I took the hottest shower I could stand and was in bed reading by 9:30, lights out at 10.

I feel better for the most part this morning, although my wife and I had a discussion about money again this morning (my bad...I brought it up, but I had to before I went to work, as things in the 'joint' account seemed a tad off to me and I couldn't leave it be without knowing what this check was for).

All in all here's to hoping I (and you) have a decent and great Thanksgiving. I know I am going to try hard and relax....but is that really relaxing if I have to try so hard, or is that considered a job?

Step-daughter and spirituality

I've noticed a disturbing trend developing under my roof as of late, and I didn't realize how bad it is/was until just a few minutes ago.

I try not to pry or 'spy' on my step daughter's life; in actuality I look forward to the day she moves out of my house and I can reclaim a little piece of additional peace and quiet back in my home.

She'll be 19 in a few months, and fiercely independant and very opinionated, sometimes angry at the world. That's why I hope and pray this is just a stage or phase she is going through like many youth before her, but since I didn't go through this stage myself, I cannot relate.

I came across some of her recent Facebook postings, and while not yet proclaiming to be an atheist, much of her subject matter has an anti-religion slant in general. I can't help but notice either that many of her 'online' friends she surrounds herslef are infact very vocal about there being no God, that religion does more harm than good, that all Christians and all denominations are sheep, and we have no brains for ourselves.

I'm very bothered by this. It both saddens me very deeply and also angers me at the same time. I cannot force religion down her throat, and apparantly all the best Godly advice I've ever given her and examples fo myself going to church has had no affect.

This is the last thing I want to get into her with, or bring to her mothers attention (my wife is a believer, but doesn't go to church herself), but needless to say I'm very concerned this is happening and this attitude prevails under my roof. Granted, I'm not the ideal Christian myself, but I can't help but feel I have failed somwhere in here and she is exposed and reinforced by wordly and secular viewpoints that all just seem so bitter and angry.

If you're a believer will you pray for my step-daughter for a change (instead of me)...to soften her heart and let the Holy Spirit minsister to her when the time is right?

Short week

Not everything is always gloomy in my life.

I was thinking about the tone here the last couple of entries and it does seem to skew to the negative side of things. But I can't possibly have a bad day everyday can i? No, as a matter of fact there are bright moments as well.

I may not have all the money I'd like to have to alleviate some burdens, I may no longer have the very athletic body I once did, may not have the perfect marriage, or job, or temperment, or solid Christian faith I desire to have, but I do have good times.

This past Saturday as it poured rain outside, I was able to play my Xbox game and had a blast. I've been enjoying reading both a crime novel and a biography on model railroading (a passion I recently discovered the last 2 years). I enjoy good food, and I really do have some great friends. I don't say that often enough. I had a few hours with a few of this weekend. One took me to lunch on Sunday, another took me to lunch on Friday, and yet another invited me over Saturday night to hang out and it was good quality time.

Then there's my dog. I love him so much, and even after 5 years he still can play like a puppy and be as silly and entertaining as ever. I love when he snuggles up to me on a cold night, or sits on my lap in the morning as I have a cup of coffee. As I sit and type this entry I am looking at a picture of my little guy standing on his hind legs, staring out my bedroom window intently, watching the world go by in his eyes. He won't be here forever....his time with me is statistically 1/3rd over and I just wish I could spend even more time with him. He has taught me so much patience and love.

I enjoying discovering new eateries with good company, and I love me a good BBQ.

I enjoy that the Holiday's are here, even though this years Christmas won't be about presents. I'm actually looking forward to going to my sister-in-laws house for a meal I don't have to cook, and I enjoy both my parents and my in-laws....for real.

I look forward to when our company shuts down for 10 straight days and I'll be home enjoying building a model, playing a game, going to the gym, eating what I want, and reading my books.

Just wanted to share some positive stuff for once.

The Forgotten update (Part III)

Why am I so bad at this? I'm usually pretty darn good on follow through in other aspects in my life, but I have a convienent tendancy to update this blog when I really want to. I wonder if that is a subconscious defense mechanism on my behalf?

In a way, maybe it's a good thing to space these out the way they are...so much happens in such short time frames, I figure by the time I write something, it's already changed again.

So in no particular order....

Medication: I've been off my pills for about two weeks now. It always happens by forgetting that one in the morning, and before you know, I foget again by day to, and then day 3, and soon it's 2 weeks. I feel 'okay' for the most part, nothing super wild has happened to make my mood swing in eitehr direction. I've been fairly busy...at work and at home and a few social engagements that I suppose my mind has not had a chance to get trapped into thinking about the things I generally get mired too deep in. So why am I writing about this today? Because yesterday my wife called me to remind me to go to CVS and pick up my perscription refill last night. When I opened the door, she was there with my step-daughter and neighbor and made an innocent quip about "Got your 'happy' pills?"

I secretly hate when she mentions this, innocent or not. Especially in front of my step-daughter and neighbor. Great...let's hand out fliers to the cul-de-sac and let them know a potentially bi-polar enighbor whose been known to sob uncontrollably one minute and flash anger the next live on the corner. Thank goodness my wife has never heard me discuss the my thoughts when I was at my lowest a couple of years ago...I'd hate to let it slip that yours truly was praying for the ultimate God visit.

Step-daughter: Supposedly graduates with her GED equivelant in two weeks (a year late mind you). Any plans beyond that? Nope. No discussion of community college or trade school or moving out. No direction. No driver's license. No state ID for that matter. I secretly want her gone. I want my house back. I want the spare room back....and clean (it's so dirty now). I want the peace and quiet back from her 'know-it-all' attitude. I imagine in the next few months we'll have to sit down with her and get her to commit to some kind of plan on way or the other or move-out. It's getting the support from my wife that's going to be hard. That seems to flip flop one day to the next.

Finances: Well, I can honestly say the blood-letting has stopped as far as I can tell. We're far from being out of the woods, but at least we aren't sinking or burying ourselves any further. We signed up with a Christain debt counseling service and submitted all our stuff, but it seems to be taking much longer than I anticipated to get this thing off the ground. Right now we have cancelled all her credit cards and most of mine and are waiting for them to let us know the next step. I may have to ping them on this today.

We did combine our accounts, and I have a better idea on what we are spending, but I'm a tad disapointed my wife seems only semi-serious about this whole thing. I suspect she's counting on me to 'take-over' because she shows little effort and only partial restraint in keeping tabs on the combined account, but when I do question a few things she gets defensive all over again and has a convient answer for everything. So while the overall situation has improved, it's not where I'd like to see it, or where she originally agreed upon.

As far as our relationship together goes, it too has improved, but still has it's moments. My wife is fiercly independant and while I can admire some aspects of that, other times it's just spiteful stuborness. Still can't get her to go to church with me or cut back her smoking. I don't like some of her surprises as they are decisions that also impact me and I still feel I'm the last person to find out at times. On the flipside, she does tell me she loves me more than she used to, does things for me here and there, but still not outwardly affectionate.

Anyway, I think that about sums everything up for now, so hopefully next entry will see a new chapter or topic.