In Monday's post I commented that I had a friend whose mom recently died of cancer.
I was able to take some time off work yesterday to attend her wake. To be honest, I didn't know her at all. I never even met her. But my friendships, the few that I have, are dear to me in a way I can never truly express to my friends. At the very least, I had to be there for him, just to let him know I was thinking of him.
It was an interesting wake. It was held at his fathers house, and I got to meet the rest of his family. My friend took me on a tour of his house, and showed me all the crafts his mother was into before she passed. She was only 65.
I stayed for a few hours. My wife stayed a bit longer as we both took seperate cars from our workplaces. When she finally got home last night I could tell she was upset and had been crying. I inquired as to why, and she said that there was a little 'drama' between one of the sons and the father, and it turned ugly. Surely emotions were strung out enough from recent events, and I suppose when you mix alcohol, anything can happen.
My wife said she was sad because she thought the mother was looking down at her wake and seeing one of her sons arguing with his dad.
I told her not to worry, that I doubt she was looking down upon the events at her former house. My wife countered, "What? You don't think guardian angels look after us?"
Whoa...I explained that Guardian angels are completely diffrent from the departed souls of humans. Angels are also God's creation, and yes, while I do indeed believe they do exist and watch over us, it is because God created them in spirit form and gave them various tasks, some of which include watching over us and possibly intervening at times in a supernatural manner, but by no means am I aware of any biblical support of humans looking back down on us.
I never really though of this before, and it just seemed to hit me last night. My whole life I've heard or just accepted by proxy that 'my grandfather' or 'my grandmother' was looking down upon us, smiling. I hear people say that all the time about children and sibling that seem to die before what seems an acceptable timeframe for us....and as a way of comfort....we, the still living say things that may ease others pain. It's only natural, and probably means no harm what-so-ever.
But are they looking back down on us? I don't think so. Once we die, we hopefully open our eyes in 'paradise'. I'm sure we have much other things on our minds...the sheer beauty of His creation, new sights and sounds, and sensations man cannot even put into words. There is peace, and joy, were tears are no more....Why would anyone look back upon us down here and be concerned? If anything, they may be waiting for us to join them....and not waiting in an impatient sense...but looking forward to the time when we join them for all eternity.
Speaking of time...I'm not even sure there is time in paradise. I think when we leave our mortal shells, we are beyond time. Our lives are but a twinkling of an eye, a lingering morning mist that disapears just as quickly as it was formed. Sure...to us she has only been gone less than a week, but to her....she has already experienced an unquantifiable period in her new glorified body. When her sons finally pass...whether that a few years or decades from now....if they too find themselves in 'Paradise', I think the mother will be there with open arms and quite possibly to her, a mere blink of an eye may have passed. That is if we believe that Paradise and the one day completed Heaven is outside of conventional time. To our loved ones that have passed so many years ago...perhaps by their new frame of reference, they just turned there backs momentarily and we just arrived.
But to think our loved ones take a vested intrest in our day to day trivialities....I don't see that happening. Christ is with us, God is with us, the Holy Spirit lives within us, the Angels are aware of things that God allows them to and can watch over and protect us by His willing. But our deceased souls...No...I'd like to think they are on to much joyous things and it just keeps getting better and better with each passing second (by our frame of reference), and someday we'll all be together as well.
November 26, 2008
November 24, 2008
Revisiting the unfinished
It's been a strange week for me both emotionally and psychologically.
I've had some moments of internal reflection and meditation the last few days, and the majority of my solitary thoughts have not been of a positive nature.
I've allowed some self doubt and pity to creep back in my life. Feelings of despair and being alone, even while amongst family and friends has also resurfaced. I've been feeling tired again, often opting to go to bed early, and the time I am awake seems like I'm doing everything else for everbody else other than me. No 'me' time if you will. One can argue that my watching TV may be considered 'me' time, but when I am scanning for commericals to unlaod the dishwasher, vacuum, do laundry, etc....it never feels like down time..
My latest place of employment, like so many others with the floundering economy, began laying off again. Here we are, a week before Thanksgiving, a time for family and ushering in the Holidays leading up to Christmas, and 30 people got laid off. There's rumors of more to come. I may or may not be part of that mix, and doubtless, it's a bit nerve-wracking.
My wife and I also have a lot of tension between us right now again too. Though we aren't fighting, it just feels like there is something bubbling under the surface and I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. It's made us both uneasy, and admittedly, I don't want to bring it up lest it be an excuse or opening for her to comment on something that really isn't there. It made me so uncomfortable yesterday, I was physically getting ill. It was either a anxiety pill, or go to the gym. I went to the gym and exploded on the weights. It seemed like I had so much tension wrapped up inside me, my body was screaming for an outlet, and it took the form of pumping a lot of iron. Even with my shoulder, I was able to overcome my fears and trepedation of heavy weight and knock it out. It felt like I had boundless energy for that 45 minutes, and it really helped release a lot of the negativity I was keeping inside. I didn't even tell my wife I was going. I just got in my car and went, and when I got home, I could tell she was a bit irritated that I didn't tell her I was leaving.
And I really didn't care.
I wasn't intentionally trying to being adolescent about it, but the first thought that went through my head was...."Well, know you know how it feels when you pull this crap with me...Sucks doesn't it?" And I didn't think about it too much after that.
My friends mother also died this past week. She had been battling both lung and brain cancer for years....most likely attributed to smoking they figure. It was expected to happen, but it doesn't make it any easier, and I haven't spoken to me friend since he sent me an email. I don't know what to say to him, so I avoided calling him the first two days. I attempted last night, but he didn't answer the phone. I didn't leave a message. I'll try again later today perhaps. I never knew his mother so I feel out of place making any comments on a subject I don't know anything about.
Another friend emailed me about he and his wife trying to have a baby, and the difficulties they are having, as her tubes are apparently blocked. He knew we had a similar situation a few years back when my wife and I were attempting to have a baby. He wanted advice as he is having some trouble dealing with the emotional aspects of the recent failures. I didn't realize until I began to respond to him that I too clearly wasn't over our failed attempts and my wifes decsion that we were to stop trying. I try to not to think about it anymore, I suppose I'm living in denial, and it was only when I was trying to craft my advice did I realize that I'm not over it. A lot of memories came back to the surface...a lot of emotions as well. I became both sad and angry all over again. I'd be lying if I didn't say I feel misled by my wife and a bit hurt by her decision that affected me without my input. But that's a whole other blog entry and then some by itself, so I'll leave that be for now.
Finally, I'll say I got up this morning.....late....by my wife hitting me in the back to tell me the time. For some reason, this made me a tad angry as well. Instead of shaking me, or calling out my name, she pushed me very hard in the back, abruptly, rudely. Maybe she didn't mean that at all, but that's what it felt like on my end. I hurried to clean up, get dressed, and I was out the door again, purposely not saying 'Goodbye...love you'. I've been on edge and angry the last two days, and after getting hit in the back, the last thing I wanted to do right now was to say "Goodbye." I have the strong feeling she doesn't care all that much either.
I've had some moments of internal reflection and meditation the last few days, and the majority of my solitary thoughts have not been of a positive nature.
I've allowed some self doubt and pity to creep back in my life. Feelings of despair and being alone, even while amongst family and friends has also resurfaced. I've been feeling tired again, often opting to go to bed early, and the time I am awake seems like I'm doing everything else for everbody else other than me. No 'me' time if you will. One can argue that my watching TV may be considered 'me' time, but when I am scanning for commericals to unlaod the dishwasher, vacuum, do laundry, etc....it never feels like down time..
My latest place of employment, like so many others with the floundering economy, began laying off again. Here we are, a week before Thanksgiving, a time for family and ushering in the Holidays leading up to Christmas, and 30 people got laid off. There's rumors of more to come. I may or may not be part of that mix, and doubtless, it's a bit nerve-wracking.
My wife and I also have a lot of tension between us right now again too. Though we aren't fighting, it just feels like there is something bubbling under the surface and I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. It's made us both uneasy, and admittedly, I don't want to bring it up lest it be an excuse or opening for her to comment on something that really isn't there. It made me so uncomfortable yesterday, I was physically getting ill. It was either a anxiety pill, or go to the gym. I went to the gym and exploded on the weights. It seemed like I had so much tension wrapped up inside me, my body was screaming for an outlet, and it took the form of pumping a lot of iron. Even with my shoulder, I was able to overcome my fears and trepedation of heavy weight and knock it out. It felt like I had boundless energy for that 45 minutes, and it really helped release a lot of the negativity I was keeping inside. I didn't even tell my wife I was going. I just got in my car and went, and when I got home, I could tell she was a bit irritated that I didn't tell her I was leaving.
And I really didn't care.
I wasn't intentionally trying to being adolescent about it, but the first thought that went through my head was...."Well, know you know how it feels when you pull this crap with me...Sucks doesn't it?" And I didn't think about it too much after that.
My friends mother also died this past week. She had been battling both lung and brain cancer for years....most likely attributed to smoking they figure. It was expected to happen, but it doesn't make it any easier, and I haven't spoken to me friend since he sent me an email. I don't know what to say to him, so I avoided calling him the first two days. I attempted last night, but he didn't answer the phone. I didn't leave a message. I'll try again later today perhaps. I never knew his mother so I feel out of place making any comments on a subject I don't know anything about.
Another friend emailed me about he and his wife trying to have a baby, and the difficulties they are having, as her tubes are apparently blocked. He knew we had a similar situation a few years back when my wife and I were attempting to have a baby. He wanted advice as he is having some trouble dealing with the emotional aspects of the recent failures. I didn't realize until I began to respond to him that I too clearly wasn't over our failed attempts and my wifes decsion that we were to stop trying. I try to not to think about it anymore, I suppose I'm living in denial, and it was only when I was trying to craft my advice did I realize that I'm not over it. A lot of memories came back to the surface...a lot of emotions as well. I became both sad and angry all over again. I'd be lying if I didn't say I feel misled by my wife and a bit hurt by her decision that affected me without my input. But that's a whole other blog entry and then some by itself, so I'll leave that be for now.
Finally, I'll say I got up this morning.....late....by my wife hitting me in the back to tell me the time. For some reason, this made me a tad angry as well. Instead of shaking me, or calling out my name, she pushed me very hard in the back, abruptly, rudely. Maybe she didn't mean that at all, but that's what it felt like on my end. I hurried to clean up, get dressed, and I was out the door again, purposely not saying 'Goodbye...love you'. I've been on edge and angry the last two days, and after getting hit in the back, the last thing I wanted to do right now was to say "Goodbye." I have the strong feeling she doesn't care all that much either.
November 05, 2008
President Elect
"Remind your people to submit to the government and its officers. They should be obedient, always ready to do whats good. They must not speak evil of anyone, and they must avoid quarreling. Instead, they should be gentle and show true humility to everyone." (Titus 3: 1-2)
So history was made last night. It was made even before my states polls were even closed which always irritates me with the whole time zone thing. Often it seems many elections are called even before exits polling can be done in the west.
As I stated in yesterdays post, there is an emerging occurrence that people are identifying as Voting Anxiety Disorder, the feeling of uneasiness, irritability, stress, depression and the like as election days come near.
I think I came to the conclusion that Obama was going to win a few weeks ago, maybe even a few months ago and I thought I was prepared for all that. To be honest, I wasn't all that crazy about McCain either, and although it may be unfair to say, I believed McCain was the lesser of two evils (BTW: I don't think either is 'evil'). As the electoral votes started to come in last night I found myself getting depressed and irritated. To the point where I had to change channels as I was disheartened by the over-zealous glee of the opposing voters as if Obama was the second coming.
When I saw Jesse Jackson cry, it seemed as my whole body seized up inside. I don't think I am a sore loser, but clearly, something inside me prevents me from being happy. In fact, as I went to bed last night I could feel my chest tighten up. I really began to concentrate on relaxation techniques and all I could hope for was a peaceful slumber.
As I awoke this morning to greet a new day, I realized I was in a bad mood. I didn't want to turn on the news and I dread going to work listening to the armchair quarterback either praising Obama or dismissing McCain. I must have flipped the radio station in my car a dozen times this morning as every station seemed to be announcing to the world a new savior is among us who will get us out of Iraq, fix our economy, give us health care, and so much more.
I don't want want to sound like I am against these things. I'm not necessarily, but I think I do live in reality. And I personally don't see how all this is going to be done realistically in the first few years let alone first 100 days. I think I more scared that policies are going to affect my finances at home. Sure, I'm worried about higher taxes, the mortgage, keeping my job let alone all the other moral, social, military issues on a bigger scale.
I realize I'm going off on a tangent here, so I'll try to reign it back in to my original thoughts and feelings.
I'm starting this day feeling very awkward and uptight. I'm worried about the next 4 years. I think the future is going to be very turbulent on both the domestic and global stages for America.
So history was made last night. It was made even before my states polls were even closed which always irritates me with the whole time zone thing. Often it seems many elections are called even before exits polling can be done in the west.
As I stated in yesterdays post, there is an emerging occurrence that people are identifying as Voting Anxiety Disorder, the feeling of uneasiness, irritability, stress, depression and the like as election days come near.
I think I came to the conclusion that Obama was going to win a few weeks ago, maybe even a few months ago and I thought I was prepared for all that. To be honest, I wasn't all that crazy about McCain either, and although it may be unfair to say, I believed McCain was the lesser of two evils (BTW: I don't think either is 'evil'). As the electoral votes started to come in last night I found myself getting depressed and irritated. To the point where I had to change channels as I was disheartened by the over-zealous glee of the opposing voters as if Obama was the second coming.
When I saw Jesse Jackson cry, it seemed as my whole body seized up inside. I don't think I am a sore loser, but clearly, something inside me prevents me from being happy. In fact, as I went to bed last night I could feel my chest tighten up. I really began to concentrate on relaxation techniques and all I could hope for was a peaceful slumber.
As I awoke this morning to greet a new day, I realized I was in a bad mood. I didn't want to turn on the news and I dread going to work listening to the armchair quarterback either praising Obama or dismissing McCain. I must have flipped the radio station in my car a dozen times this morning as every station seemed to be announcing to the world a new savior is among us who will get us out of Iraq, fix our economy, give us health care, and so much more.
I don't want want to sound like I am against these things. I'm not necessarily, but I think I do live in reality. And I personally don't see how all this is going to be done realistically in the first few years let alone first 100 days. I think I more scared that policies are going to affect my finances at home. Sure, I'm worried about higher taxes, the mortgage, keeping my job let alone all the other moral, social, military issues on a bigger scale.
I realize I'm going off on a tangent here, so I'll try to reign it back in to my original thoughts and feelings.
I'm starting this day feeling very awkward and uptight. I'm worried about the next 4 years. I think the future is going to be very turbulent on both the domestic and global stages for America.
November 04, 2008
Voter Anxiety
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -(Isaiah 41:10)
It really didn't come as much as a surprise when I heard a news report on the radio the late last week about a the newly emerging 'voter anxiety disorder'. Therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists have spoke about this before, but it seems people are generally feeling much more prone about it today than in years past. In easy speak, people are feeling much more restless, tired, stressed, nervous, uptight, etc. as election day nears. Symptoms can include insomnia, hypertension, mood swings, and just about anything else associated with cases of depression, but seems to come to a head the closer we get to a major election.
I think it's safe to say I can be counted among these worryworts, but the odd thing is, is that I recognize it, I understand it, yet I cannot overcome it.
No one can argue that this election doesn't mean something for Americans. It's historical on may fronts....we either have our first female Vice President, or our first Black President. This person will help chart the course to determine how bad our recession really is, how morality is viewed upon, how quickly we leave Iraq.
It's been very stressful the last six months or so. First Americans dealt (and are still dealing with) the mortgage crisis, whether or not we can keep our houses or not. Then panic on Wall Street led to people seemingly loosing their hard earned investments overnight with no clear stability for the immediate future. Credit debts are at an all time high, foreign investors are skeptical on the state of our economy, and who hasn't read in the papers that people are being laid off yet again.
My company laid off 15 people last week, and they are scheduled to lay off more soon. To say I'm nervous and a little scared is an understatement. Some of my peers tell me not to worry...but I can't help it. I heard that once before, and I was summarily let go with no notice and struggled for quite some time before I got a solid job again. I've been at my new job for 1 year and 5 months, and now I see the same pattern all over again. Christmas is right around the corner and the bills aren't getting any smaller. My wife just informed me last week that her own financial status is strained. We don't live in luxury by any means, and quite frankly, I'm not sure how much more we can cut back on expenditures. Perhaps a bit, but not much.
Needless to say, I haven't been sleeping much the last few days. I've been thinking about the election alot. I generally have always liked history and find politics both fascinating and stimulating. Right now I'm not so keen on either candidate, but one scares me much more than the other.
But I have to remember that all things are in God's hands, and in His control. I'm not sure I'll ever remember that lesson....I clearly fail to put it into practice on a day to day basis.
This past Sunday I went to church, and once again I was in awe on how the message just seemed to be tailored and written for me. Our pastor hit on every note I had been thinking about the last few weeks, and I can't help but be convinced yet again there is indeed a God the Father who already knows me inside and out. He has tried to teach me this lesson over and over and over again. I hear the teachings, I acknowledge them, I understand His logic....but I fail to trust.
I asked my wife to pray for me this morning. She said she would and asked me not to stress. I haven't taken any relaxers in quite some time, but the thought crossed my mind last night as I sat on the couch...uptight and nervous about todays outcome and our immediate future.
These things are out of my control, and I need to trust God that these things are in His control no matter the outcome. I pray to be strong and to give Him glory. I pray now hour by hour, day by day....just to have me mentally get through the day with out either snapping or shutting down.
I admit....I am uneasy and scared right now.
It really didn't come as much as a surprise when I heard a news report on the radio the late last week about a the newly emerging 'voter anxiety disorder'. Therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists have spoke about this before, but it seems people are generally feeling much more prone about it today than in years past. In easy speak, people are feeling much more restless, tired, stressed, nervous, uptight, etc. as election day nears. Symptoms can include insomnia, hypertension, mood swings, and just about anything else associated with cases of depression, but seems to come to a head the closer we get to a major election.
I think it's safe to say I can be counted among these worryworts, but the odd thing is, is that I recognize it, I understand it, yet I cannot overcome it.
No one can argue that this election doesn't mean something for Americans. It's historical on may fronts....we either have our first female Vice President, or our first Black President. This person will help chart the course to determine how bad our recession really is, how morality is viewed upon, how quickly we leave Iraq.
It's been very stressful the last six months or so. First Americans dealt (and are still dealing with) the mortgage crisis, whether or not we can keep our houses or not. Then panic on Wall Street led to people seemingly loosing their hard earned investments overnight with no clear stability for the immediate future. Credit debts are at an all time high, foreign investors are skeptical on the state of our economy, and who hasn't read in the papers that people are being laid off yet again.
My company laid off 15 people last week, and they are scheduled to lay off more soon. To say I'm nervous and a little scared is an understatement. Some of my peers tell me not to worry...but I can't help it. I heard that once before, and I was summarily let go with no notice and struggled for quite some time before I got a solid job again. I've been at my new job for 1 year and 5 months, and now I see the same pattern all over again. Christmas is right around the corner and the bills aren't getting any smaller. My wife just informed me last week that her own financial status is strained. We don't live in luxury by any means, and quite frankly, I'm not sure how much more we can cut back on expenditures. Perhaps a bit, but not much.
Needless to say, I haven't been sleeping much the last few days. I've been thinking about the election alot. I generally have always liked history and find politics both fascinating and stimulating. Right now I'm not so keen on either candidate, but one scares me much more than the other.
But I have to remember that all things are in God's hands, and in His control. I'm not sure I'll ever remember that lesson....I clearly fail to put it into practice on a day to day basis.
This past Sunday I went to church, and once again I was in awe on how the message just seemed to be tailored and written for me. Our pastor hit on every note I had been thinking about the last few weeks, and I can't help but be convinced yet again there is indeed a God the Father who already knows me inside and out. He has tried to teach me this lesson over and over and over again. I hear the teachings, I acknowledge them, I understand His logic....but I fail to trust.
I asked my wife to pray for me this morning. She said she would and asked me not to stress. I haven't taken any relaxers in quite some time, but the thought crossed my mind last night as I sat on the couch...uptight and nervous about todays outcome and our immediate future.
These things are out of my control, and I need to trust God that these things are in His control no matter the outcome. I pray to be strong and to give Him glory. I pray now hour by hour, day by day....just to have me mentally get through the day with out either snapping or shutting down.
I admit....I am uneasy and scared right now.
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