I have a childhood friend who just informed me via e-mail that his cat of just over 15 years passed away on Friday.
Personally, I've never been fond of cats overall. I had been indifferent to them for many years and I never understood the way some owners would fawn over their cats. That is until I became a pet owner myself with my little dog.
I know I mentioned my dog a few times in this blog, and I am unwavering in the fcat that I believe my own experience with my dog was God's way of softening my heart and allwoing me to take a new perspective on a variety of things....especially relationships, compassion, and patience. At my lowest points where I was curled up in a fetal position feeling sorry for myself and angry at the world in general, when my wife was away at work, and phone calls from family and friends became annoying, it was my dog who would curl up next to me and look me in the eyes when I was full of tears and just keep me company.
I think back to the old testament with Adam, and God knew that man was not designed to be alone, so He created Eve for companionship. Though I am not equating the bond of a pet to be exactly like that of another human being, I do agree that there is a bond between humans and there pets, especially when it comes to dogs and cats. I can't think of a day right now in which I do not thank Jesus and the Father for granting me my dog....even if it is a short time on earth. The bible states that there will be animals in heaven, though it's not clear that our own pets will be there due to a possible lack of a 'soul'. But everytime I think of my little boy, I can't help but beleive he does indeed have a soul and so despretely want to believe that dogs and cats go to heaven as well.
My friends cat was a beautiful russian blue. It's fur was a very soft and velvety charcoal color. This is what my friend wrote me in email:
"She would get "sick" become very lethargic to the point of not moving or even going potty for a couple days at a time. Then she'd be good as new. She started being like that Thursday afternoon, and I had a feeling then that the end was near. She even went to a different spot than normal. She found the Guitar Hero III box between the couch and end table and laid down there.
She was in the same place Friday morning and still there Friday evening when I got home from work. She beagan meowing when she saw me so I went over and pet her for a few minutes. Then I took the dogs out because they had been in the house all day long. As the door closed, Momma started howling and crying. She stopped when I came back into the room so I went back over and pet her some more. She was dead within a few minutes of my return."
After I read this I became very weepy myself and it wasn't even my cat. The cat was a very sweet animal. But did I get misty eyed because it was a loss for my friend? Was it because it was touching the way the cat called out to my friend as if to say good bye in it's last moments? Was it because I knew this day will someday also come to me when my little boy must say goodbye to me? Am I just truly over sensitive for a guy and this is just more proof that only through Christ's grace and love that I am being together in one piece? I can't believe I am as sad as I am for a cat I barely even knew. But I am empathetic for my friend and I thank God for what He provides for us in companionship and friendship and it sucks so much when it is taken away. I am just amazed that animals know their time is near, and they move off to a peaceful place to die even up to the very end, they know we are their masters and feel close enough to us to say goodbye in their own way.
July 28, 2008
July 21, 2008
Sad News
How do you know what will happen tomorrow? For your life is like the morning fog -- it's here a little while, then it's gone. (James 4: 14)
I found out last Thursday that the senior pastor of my church growing up as a boy has prostrate cancer.
Advanced.
The doctors give him no more than two years to live as he waited way to long to ever have it examined, and it has now progressed into his bones and I am told he is already becomming frail.
He is in his early seventies and has a wife, two children and many grandchildren. I'm told he never had his prostrate ever examined as all men should around the age of 40 and every so often thereafter. If they had caught it early on, it could have been treated and most likely cured.
It is now Monday, and I have no idea what to say. For all intents and purposes he is the early church figure who really introduced God to me. It would take years before I really understood that deeply and what it means to me today. He also married my wife and I.
I haven't been to that church in over two years, not since I found my new and I think it was a good move for me on a spiritual level. But it saddens me to know that he will soon be gone, to have his life robbed away from him do to neglect of a standard checkup. What am I going to say to him that he hasn't heard of or thought of before?
Will a phone call suffice? Should I write a long letter? I most certainly should visit in person, but I feel awkward just coming out of the blue, as if it is totally staged.
In other news I called my grandfather up on Saturday to see if he wanted to go to a model train expo with me. I thought it would be nice to spend a few hours with him. Sadly he declined, not because he didn't want to go....he was very apologetic and sincere is saying he was thankful I did call and invite him, but overall he wasn't feeling to well. I believe my grandfather is in his late eighties, if he isn't 90 already. I guess I should know, and I'm not sure why I don't. Perhaps I take it for granted he'll always be here. And he won't. See, he still has all his faculties. He's pretty sharp and can still move about, but he is getting slower and gets exhausted more eaily now.
I suppose one could say he doesn't have much time left either, and only God above knows if he is saved. He hasn't been to church in decades, and while I beleive he does indeed believe in God and heaven and is more or less a good man, I'm not sure if he has a relationship with Christ or is truly saved.
On a few occassions I have tried to very subtley witness to him, and it was greated with some lukewarm reception. I suppose at this age though I can't afford to wait to much longer even if that means making him slightly angry if I bring it up. But I guess I'd rather him be angry with me for a bit (if he does get angry that is) and know that I tried, than to not have said anything and maybe not offer him Christ's good news.
My wife would say this is one of my biggest problems and why I'm an emotional wreck and a hisory of depression.....because I worry so much about everyone else. I worry so much in regards to the alternative, I lose sleep and joy over my own life and circumstances. You know.....she's right.
I found out last Thursday that the senior pastor of my church growing up as a boy has prostrate cancer.
Advanced.
The doctors give him no more than two years to live as he waited way to long to ever have it examined, and it has now progressed into his bones and I am told he is already becomming frail.
He is in his early seventies and has a wife, two children and many grandchildren. I'm told he never had his prostrate ever examined as all men should around the age of 40 and every so often thereafter. If they had caught it early on, it could have been treated and most likely cured.
It is now Monday, and I have no idea what to say. For all intents and purposes he is the early church figure who really introduced God to me. It would take years before I really understood that deeply and what it means to me today. He also married my wife and I.
I haven't been to that church in over two years, not since I found my new and I think it was a good move for me on a spiritual level. But it saddens me to know that he will soon be gone, to have his life robbed away from him do to neglect of a standard checkup. What am I going to say to him that he hasn't heard of or thought of before?
Will a phone call suffice? Should I write a long letter? I most certainly should visit in person, but I feel awkward just coming out of the blue, as if it is totally staged.
In other news I called my grandfather up on Saturday to see if he wanted to go to a model train expo with me. I thought it would be nice to spend a few hours with him. Sadly he declined, not because he didn't want to go....he was very apologetic and sincere is saying he was thankful I did call and invite him, but overall he wasn't feeling to well. I believe my grandfather is in his late eighties, if he isn't 90 already. I guess I should know, and I'm not sure why I don't. Perhaps I take it for granted he'll always be here. And he won't. See, he still has all his faculties. He's pretty sharp and can still move about, but he is getting slower and gets exhausted more eaily now.
I suppose one could say he doesn't have much time left either, and only God above knows if he is saved. He hasn't been to church in decades, and while I beleive he does indeed believe in God and heaven and is more or less a good man, I'm not sure if he has a relationship with Christ or is truly saved.
On a few occassions I have tried to very subtley witness to him, and it was greated with some lukewarm reception. I suppose at this age though I can't afford to wait to much longer even if that means making him slightly angry if I bring it up. But I guess I'd rather him be angry with me for a bit (if he does get angry that is) and know that I tried, than to not have said anything and maybe not offer him Christ's good news.
My wife would say this is one of my biggest problems and why I'm an emotional wreck and a hisory of depression.....because I worry so much about everyone else. I worry so much in regards to the alternative, I lose sleep and joy over my own life and circumstances. You know.....she's right.
July 14, 2008
Yet another interuption.
One of my coworkers has called in this morning and has informed us he will not be at work this whole week and his new wife just gave birth to their first son. Well, congratulations to him and I hope everything is well.
But in a selfish note to myself, it sorta depresses me. While I am happy for people who have children, it is a constant reminder to me that I may never have any of my own. In the case of my wife and I, like I mentioned before, we tried in our first year a lot. We went to the clinic, had the requisite surgeries and checkups, my wife was taking injections and pills and we tried unsuccessfully for almost two years before my wife gave up and I just sorta sat there perturbed that the avenue was being closed down for me via her decision. My coworker got married last year and then, BOOM, his wife was pregnant within the first 2 months, (if that) of their marriage.
When I see sitcoms, or dramatic movies about this type of situation, I'll admit....for a guy I am very sensitive to the various emotions involved. I clam up pretty quick at these type of announcements because I reflect on our own inability to have children. It doesn't help either when my sister-in-law is parading all the fun things and memories she has with her children before me. No, she doesn't rub it in, or try and be malicious.....she's a proud and loving mother as she should be and is entitled to....I'm just envious of those things that I will not experience and so badly want to for my own.
And people wonder why I pour so much attention into my dog. For all intents, he is my little boy and I love him dearly.
Anyway, I'm just saying I'm a little depressed and envious today and my coworkers blessing is a reminder to me that I am not a 'Dad'.
But in a selfish note to myself, it sorta depresses me. While I am happy for people who have children, it is a constant reminder to me that I may never have any of my own. In the case of my wife and I, like I mentioned before, we tried in our first year a lot. We went to the clinic, had the requisite surgeries and checkups, my wife was taking injections and pills and we tried unsuccessfully for almost two years before my wife gave up and I just sorta sat there perturbed that the avenue was being closed down for me via her decision. My coworker got married last year and then, BOOM, his wife was pregnant within the first 2 months, (if that) of their marriage.
When I see sitcoms, or dramatic movies about this type of situation, I'll admit....for a guy I am very sensitive to the various emotions involved. I clam up pretty quick at these type of announcements because I reflect on our own inability to have children. It doesn't help either when my sister-in-law is parading all the fun things and memories she has with her children before me. No, she doesn't rub it in, or try and be malicious.....she's a proud and loving mother as she should be and is entitled to....I'm just envious of those things that I will not experience and so badly want to for my own.
And people wonder why I pour so much attention into my dog. For all intents, he is my little boy and I love him dearly.
Anyway, I'm just saying I'm a little depressed and envious today and my coworkers blessing is a reminder to me that I am not a 'Dad'.
July 11, 2008
A Series of Events (Part IV)
Wow. All I can say is that these past two weeks have been filled with plenty of drama and ups and downs.
I apologize for the lack of posting, and since I can be a little verbose, it may take me a few days to catch back up. Usually I go in stretches here of think not only what to say, but how to say it. Now, I'm thinking on how do I catch up and get it all in?
In my last entry I mentioned things between my mother and I had gone a little sour, and I was not overly pleased with my wife either and how she was carrying about with the neighbors.
On Sunday morning I woke up and really needed to go to church, especially since I copped out the day before with some lame excuse of my own volition.
The message that day came from the book of Galations, and by the end of the service I was moved to call my mother and apologize. I needed to apologize for swearing and losing my patience, but not sorry for expressing how I feel and the overall issue of nagging me to death and not listening.
When I got home from chruch I sat down, took a deep breath and dialed my mother. When she answered I began with "Hey, I wanted to apologize for my swear......."and I was cut of and interupted a mere ten seconds into my call. For the next 7:39 minutes (I know this because there is a timer on my phone and the whole call was 7:49) my mother went off on me. I was read the riot act and was told how much I have changed the last few years, how Sunday school apparantly had no effect on me, how ungrateful I was, how rude I was, etc., etc. I was too tired to argue back and decided that anthing I said right now in my defense or arguing any point in her state of mind right now would be fruitless so against my own will I just was able to mutter the occasional "uh-huh"and "yup". Seriously, I don't think my mother took a breath for that whole seven minutes and I was instantly sorry I tried to call.
One thing she said that really hurt my feelings was "You only have time for us when you need something." I'd really like to say I don't think that is the case at all and I personally think that is an unfair statement, hopefully made out of haste and her own frustration at the time and not what she actually thinks. Second, I was a little angry that she said 'us', meaning my father and mother together. No, I don't see how my father has anything to do with this and I have no beef with him at all. This was between her and I, not my parents and I. Lastly, my mother was able to get in a dig at my wife as well without mentioning her name. I knew exactly who and what she meant and I took that as a backhanded uncalled for snipe. But I wasn't going to stoop down this day.
I seriously called to make some sort of ammends, but my mother was having none of it this day. At the end of the 7:49 she ended the call and I think I stood there staring at the phone for a few seconds, once again, wondering what the hell did I do this time? Perhaps my mother doesn't know my heart, but I know that God knows I was repentant (and still am) for losing my cool the day before and I had decent intentions. But I was also angry enough to say to myself "Fine. You think I ask for help only when I need it? Well, this is the last time I call for anything."
I was so bummed out at that moment, I called my neighbor up and asked if he wanted to go out for some buffalo wings and beer. I needed to get out of the house. Surprisingly he agreed and we went to the local pub and must have ate 60+ wings between us along with some cold ones.
That's exactly what the doctor ordered. I needed some 'man' time and get away from all this drama I find myself in the middle of unwittingly.
To be continued....
I apologize for the lack of posting, and since I can be a little verbose, it may take me a few days to catch back up. Usually I go in stretches here of think not only what to say, but how to say it. Now, I'm thinking on how do I catch up and get it all in?
In my last entry I mentioned things between my mother and I had gone a little sour, and I was not overly pleased with my wife either and how she was carrying about with the neighbors.
On Sunday morning I woke up and really needed to go to church, especially since I copped out the day before with some lame excuse of my own volition.
The message that day came from the book of Galations, and by the end of the service I was moved to call my mother and apologize. I needed to apologize for swearing and losing my patience, but not sorry for expressing how I feel and the overall issue of nagging me to death and not listening.
When I got home from chruch I sat down, took a deep breath and dialed my mother. When she answered I began with "Hey, I wanted to apologize for my swear......."and I was cut of and interupted a mere ten seconds into my call. For the next 7:39 minutes (I know this because there is a timer on my phone and the whole call was 7:49) my mother went off on me. I was read the riot act and was told how much I have changed the last few years, how Sunday school apparantly had no effect on me, how ungrateful I was, how rude I was, etc., etc. I was too tired to argue back and decided that anthing I said right now in my defense or arguing any point in her state of mind right now would be fruitless so against my own will I just was able to mutter the occasional "uh-huh"and "yup". Seriously, I don't think my mother took a breath for that whole seven minutes and I was instantly sorry I tried to call.
One thing she said that really hurt my feelings was "You only have time for us when you need something." I'd really like to say I don't think that is the case at all and I personally think that is an unfair statement, hopefully made out of haste and her own frustration at the time and not what she actually thinks. Second, I was a little angry that she said 'us', meaning my father and mother together. No, I don't see how my father has anything to do with this and I have no beef with him at all. This was between her and I, not my parents and I. Lastly, my mother was able to get in a dig at my wife as well without mentioning her name. I knew exactly who and what she meant and I took that as a backhanded uncalled for snipe. But I wasn't going to stoop down this day.
I seriously called to make some sort of ammends, but my mother was having none of it this day. At the end of the 7:49 she ended the call and I think I stood there staring at the phone for a few seconds, once again, wondering what the hell did I do this time? Perhaps my mother doesn't know my heart, but I know that God knows I was repentant (and still am) for losing my cool the day before and I had decent intentions. But I was also angry enough to say to myself "Fine. You think I ask for help only when I need it? Well, this is the last time I call for anything."
I was so bummed out at that moment, I called my neighbor up and asked if he wanted to go out for some buffalo wings and beer. I needed to get out of the house. Surprisingly he agreed and we went to the local pub and must have ate 60+ wings between us along with some cold ones.
That's exactly what the doctor ordered. I needed some 'man' time and get away from all this drama I find myself in the middle of unwittingly.
To be continued....
July 02, 2008
Spiritual Intervention?
This afternoon, something strange happened and I thought I'd share it with you all as soon as I could.
I was out in the field working and when I was done, I was close enough to a fast food joint that I thought I'd take a few minutes and grab an Ice-Tea and a snack and sit down and enjoy the coolness of the air conditioned room. Looking for something to read, I happened to grab a small newletter that was stashed in our company truck's glove compartment.
It ended up being the Alamo Christian Ministries World Newsletter and I was drawn to a letter on the front page written to pastor Tony Alamo:
Whoa! This person sounds just like me. I didn't copy the whole letter down, but you get the gist of it. We all have our moments....even Christians....and I too get so angry.
And then I was thinking about the last few days. I've written some lengthy posts the last two days, and I realized that the length of my posts and aggressive tone of them is because I too have been angry at my surroundings.
You see this blog is also my own self-therapy. I tend to write a lot when I am agitated and frustrated. I'm not out skipping in the daisies or humming a pleasing tune...no I am venting. And I can't help but notice that my last few posts may come across as negative. On the contrary, I hope you realize I am venting, and this is a way for me to organize and let loose my feelings without doing something stupid.
But what is really strange and I'd like to call your attention to is the fact that I've been edgy the last few days, and in this state of mind, I randomly grabbed a piece of paper to read....and it turned out to be a Christian newsletter stuffed in our company car. How did that get there? And why did I grab it today of all days? Fate? Perhaps God is trying to bring something to my attention and today took the opportunity to do so.
While I do feel a little bit better, I continue with the remainder of the story I've been venting about the last few days, but I thought you may get a kick out of this strange coincidence.
I was out in the field working and when I was done, I was close enough to a fast food joint that I thought I'd take a few minutes and grab an Ice-Tea and a snack and sit down and enjoy the coolness of the air conditioned room. Looking for something to read, I happened to grab a small newletter that was stashed in our company truck's glove compartment.
It ended up being the Alamo Christian Ministries World Newsletter and I was drawn to a letter on the front page written to pastor Tony Alamo:
Dear Pastor Tony,
Hi, how are you doing and
feeling these days? Well, I'm writing you about the literature that you've
sent me, and I must say I got a lot out of it, and it has opened my eyes to a
lot of things that I was indeed doing wrong and I thought I was right. It
also showed me how unclean my surroundings are and how to deal with it.
Pastor, I'm really trying to put up with people who are not believers of
Christ. It's very hard, and I see myself getting very angry, not because
they don't believe, but because they're trying to make me stumble, and I'm
trying so hard not to stumble. Every time I get angry, I look to the
literature you've sent to me, and then I will pray on it because I'm really
trying to change my way of thinking, as well as living. I still need a lot
of work yet, but with the Lord's help I'll make it.
Whoa! This person sounds just like me. I didn't copy the whole letter down, but you get the gist of it. We all have our moments....even Christians....and I too get so angry.
And then I was thinking about the last few days. I've written some lengthy posts the last two days, and I realized that the length of my posts and aggressive tone of them is because I too have been angry at my surroundings.
You see this blog is also my own self-therapy. I tend to write a lot when I am agitated and frustrated. I'm not out skipping in the daisies or humming a pleasing tune...no I am venting. And I can't help but notice that my last few posts may come across as negative. On the contrary, I hope you realize I am venting, and this is a way for me to organize and let loose my feelings without doing something stupid.
But what is really strange and I'd like to call your attention to is the fact that I've been edgy the last few days, and in this state of mind, I randomly grabbed a piece of paper to read....and it turned out to be a Christian newsletter stuffed in our company car. How did that get there? And why did I grab it today of all days? Fate? Perhaps God is trying to bring something to my attention and today took the opportunity to do so.
While I do feel a little bit better, I continue with the remainder of the story I've been venting about the last few days, but I thought you may get a kick out of this strange coincidence.
A Series of Events (Part III) - Saturday Afternoon
As I said, I made the call at 3pm already dreading it as I dialed.
My mother answered and proceeded to launch into this long, drawn out, convoluted tale that a second cousin of mine supposedly also has Chronic Uticaria and has been living with it for 30+ years. Now I find this very odd only in the snese that when I had my initial breakout, I actually spent a few days with my cousin back in 2006 and both her and her husband seeing me in this state never offered up any information regarding her own bouts with uticaria, let alone make any snap diagnosis or advice on what to do.
What further began to annoy me (and I take full responsibility for my lack of patience), is the fact it took my mom almost 10 minutes to spit out a 15 second piece of information, with many backtracks and repetitions in the story.
The story was then followed up by the usual questions that I've answered at least 50 times before: "What are you taking? What are you eating? How many blood tests have you had? What medication are you taking? When was the last time? Will you see a hemotoligist if I set up an appointment?" My God, I feel like banging my head against the wall because I have this exact same conversation every single time and my answers are still the same and they don't waiver. I feel like I should write out a FAQ white paper and mail it to her.
As if that wasn't bad enough....my cousins husband (who has no medical training whatsoever) recommended to my mother that I stop taking antihistamines. WHAT? I have to remind my mother, yet again, that I have seen 4 seperate doctors and all 4 of them have prescribed to me the anti-histamines....and when I take them....my symptoms, while they do not disapear, are indeed lessened and makes my situation much more manageable.
This is then followed up by the often repeated knee jerk DON'T list: Don't eat tomatoes. Don't eat shellfish. Stay away from sushi. Don't drink alcohol. Don't go outside. Don't do this....don't do that....blah, blah, blah.
Mind you, the last few days I have had to explain everyone I come into contact with who sees me there question of "What's wrong?". The amount of pills I take everyday along with their various side effects makes me grumpy. Topped off with the way my wife carries on and on about it as well with her illogical conclusions really begins to push my buttons and grate on me.
Before you know it, I do indeed begin to lose it. I end up swearing in general out of frustration, which of course now sends my mother in a tizzy on the other end of the phone asking "Why do I treat her like this? Why am I swearing at her?", followed by by her infamous guilt trips. I'd like to point out that even though I did swear, it was not at my mother, it was to no one in particular....just an immature response to the ether from my built up tension.
My mother then turns the conversation into how I am ungrateful for her help and then manages to bring my dad into the picture as well. Now I am accused of not treating "them" with any respect, never picking up the phone, never returning calls (an outright fabrictaion of epic proportions), how Christianity hasn't taught me anything, and how I've changed the last few year...and not for the better.
I try an explain 'calmly' that she doesn't listen to me, that my frustration stems from the fact that every call lately is me answering the same questions over and over and over again. That no matter how manty times I tell her I've seen a doctor, or taken bllod tests, allergy tests, told her the medications I am currently taking....I have to start and explain from scratch each and every time. Couple that with actually living with the discomfort and playing Q&A with all my neighbors and coworkers...yes....I get a little agitated.
She eventually hung up on me in tears.
Of course I am saddened once again our conversations end the way they do. I do not want her to cry, nor did I mean to hurt her feelings. I also know and appreciate her concern and willingness to help. I am also sorry I swore out loud. However, I am not sorry that I said "You don't listen.", nor am I apologetic for pointing out the continued contradiction of some of her advice when it comes to what the doctors and research tells me as compared to my second cousins husband.
I sit down and try to collect my thoughts, replaying the whole thing in my head and asking God to point out where I went wrong, and how to manage it in the future so I don't get sucked into that dark and bitter place, especially when it comes to my mom.
Then of course my wife has to chime in now and give me her $.02 on what she just witnessed. I'm too tired to comment back, so I just let her talk, hearing only half of it, ignoring the ihe other half.
I'd really like a drink right now and to be alone for a bit.
As the afternoon turns into evening, my wife decides to hang out with the neighbors out front. As usual it's all about sitting in a circle with open wine bottles, cigarette after cigarette, and idle chatter. I only go out for a few minutes to say "Hi", but quite frankly would rather be inside.
Ten minutes later I tell my wife I'm going back in the house, which is met with "Why?" in front of everyone. I don't want to voice anything in front of my neighbors and really say "Because this is boring and I have better things to do than to watch you all smoke and drink and talk about who knows what and gossip", so I simply say "I don't feel all that well".
I end up reading a book for a while and watching a very interesting documentary on NASA before I go to bed. I peek outside and I see my wife with the women neighbors...still sitting in the same circle they have been for hours...smoking and drinking....and I catch myself shaking my head in mild disgust. I also wonder why my wife can't make time for church knowing how important it is to me, but can spend hours upon hours doing nothing of grand importance with the neighbors.
I go to bed and pray that sleep noty only comes quickly so that this day will end, but ask God for foregiveness for my judgemental thoughts and allowing my mind to go to dark places today...
To be continued....
My mother answered and proceeded to launch into this long, drawn out, convoluted tale that a second cousin of mine supposedly also has Chronic Uticaria and has been living with it for 30+ years. Now I find this very odd only in the snese that when I had my initial breakout, I actually spent a few days with my cousin back in 2006 and both her and her husband seeing me in this state never offered up any information regarding her own bouts with uticaria, let alone make any snap diagnosis or advice on what to do.
What further began to annoy me (and I take full responsibility for my lack of patience), is the fact it took my mom almost 10 minutes to spit out a 15 second piece of information, with many backtracks and repetitions in the story.
The story was then followed up by the usual questions that I've answered at least 50 times before: "What are you taking? What are you eating? How many blood tests have you had? What medication are you taking? When was the last time? Will you see a hemotoligist if I set up an appointment?" My God, I feel like banging my head against the wall because I have this exact same conversation every single time and my answers are still the same and they don't waiver. I feel like I should write out a FAQ white paper and mail it to her.
As if that wasn't bad enough....my cousins husband (who has no medical training whatsoever) recommended to my mother that I stop taking antihistamines. WHAT? I have to remind my mother, yet again, that I have seen 4 seperate doctors and all 4 of them have prescribed to me the anti-histamines....and when I take them....my symptoms, while they do not disapear, are indeed lessened and makes my situation much more manageable.
This is then followed up by the often repeated knee jerk DON'T list: Don't eat tomatoes. Don't eat shellfish. Stay away from sushi. Don't drink alcohol. Don't go outside. Don't do this....don't do that....blah, blah, blah.
Mind you, the last few days I have had to explain everyone I come into contact with who sees me there question of "What's wrong?". The amount of pills I take everyday along with their various side effects makes me grumpy. Topped off with the way my wife carries on and on about it as well with her illogical conclusions really begins to push my buttons and grate on me.
Before you know it, I do indeed begin to lose it. I end up swearing in general out of frustration, which of course now sends my mother in a tizzy on the other end of the phone asking "Why do I treat her like this? Why am I swearing at her?", followed by by her infamous guilt trips. I'd like to point out that even though I did swear, it was not at my mother, it was to no one in particular....just an immature response to the ether from my built up tension.
My mother then turns the conversation into how I am ungrateful for her help and then manages to bring my dad into the picture as well. Now I am accused of not treating "them" with any respect, never picking up the phone, never returning calls (an outright fabrictaion of epic proportions), how Christianity hasn't taught me anything, and how I've changed the last few year...and not for the better.
I try an explain 'calmly' that she doesn't listen to me, that my frustration stems from the fact that every call lately is me answering the same questions over and over and over again. That no matter how manty times I tell her I've seen a doctor, or taken bllod tests, allergy tests, told her the medications I am currently taking....I have to start and explain from scratch each and every time. Couple that with actually living with the discomfort and playing Q&A with all my neighbors and coworkers...yes....I get a little agitated.
She eventually hung up on me in tears.
Of course I am saddened once again our conversations end the way they do. I do not want her to cry, nor did I mean to hurt her feelings. I also know and appreciate her concern and willingness to help. I am also sorry I swore out loud. However, I am not sorry that I said "You don't listen.", nor am I apologetic for pointing out the continued contradiction of some of her advice when it comes to what the doctors and research tells me as compared to my second cousins husband.
I sit down and try to collect my thoughts, replaying the whole thing in my head and asking God to point out where I went wrong, and how to manage it in the future so I don't get sucked into that dark and bitter place, especially when it comes to my mom.
Then of course my wife has to chime in now and give me her $.02 on what she just witnessed. I'm too tired to comment back, so I just let her talk, hearing only half of it, ignoring the ihe other half.
I'd really like a drink right now and to be alone for a bit.
As the afternoon turns into evening, my wife decides to hang out with the neighbors out front. As usual it's all about sitting in a circle with open wine bottles, cigarette after cigarette, and idle chatter. I only go out for a few minutes to say "Hi", but quite frankly would rather be inside.
Ten minutes later I tell my wife I'm going back in the house, which is met with "Why?" in front of everyone. I don't want to voice anything in front of my neighbors and really say "Because this is boring and I have better things to do than to watch you all smoke and drink and talk about who knows what and gossip", so I simply say "I don't feel all that well".
I end up reading a book for a while and watching a very interesting documentary on NASA before I go to bed. I peek outside and I see my wife with the women neighbors...still sitting in the same circle they have been for hours...smoking and drinking....and I catch myself shaking my head in mild disgust. I also wonder why my wife can't make time for church knowing how important it is to me, but can spend hours upon hours doing nothing of grand importance with the neighbors.
I go to bed and pray that sleep noty only comes quickly so that this day will end, but ask God for foregiveness for my judgemental thoughts and allowing my mind to go to dark places today...
To be continued....
July 01, 2008
A Series of Events (Part II) - Saturday morning
My wife wasn't too happy that she had to work Saturday. She is a salaried employee who doesn't really have the luxury of saying "No" or taking a break when she would like to. I do have some empathy for her as I know her boss and the company takes advanatge of her.
Her problem, and I tried to warn her multiple times of this a few years back, is that she has a problem saying "No." to her company when they ask her to do favors. Funny, she doesn't have a problem saying "No." to me when I think about it. She's sorta backed herself into a corner these days in the fact that her boss doesn't even ask for 'favors' anylonger. My wife has said "Yes." so many times in the past, they now just expect her to work when everyone else takes time off for personal reasons. If there is one thing outside our marital and financial issues that irks me is that I really do feel they have her over a barrel and truly take advanatge of the situation. The last few months her work has been piling up and on, and her 40 hour a week job has easily been closer to 60 as of late. The problem is, they really do not compensate her for it...not even 'comp' time. I know the state of the economy we're in, and with some of our bills, we can't afford (for very long) to have one of us lose our job right now. She just got her merit raise and it was a whole 3%. I suppose 3% is better than nothing (my company didn't give any raises so far this year), but 3% of nothing really doesn't equate to much anyhow. It clearly doesn't even come close to the amount of hours she's been working, and for that I do feel bad for her. On the flip side.....the more she works though, I figure the less likely she's apt to get in trouble and also stays away from what I consider some bad outside influences.
Anyway, she got up early on Saturday morning to go to work and since I've been having trouble sleeping anyways, I decided to get up as well. It was early enough where I figured I could do some chores before I went to my mens bible study at 8:30am. At about 7:15 I decided to take a few minutes break and play a video game for a few minutes.
That's the danger of addictive games....my planned 30 minute break started to creep up on 45 minutes and I kept telling myself "5 more minutes" and I gotta go. Well, I must have said that to myself at least 3 times because the next time I looked at the clock it was now 8:25 and I wasn't even dressed. Thankfully, my church os only 2 minutes away, so I figure they never start on time anyway, so if I'm 5 minutes late, I really haven't missed anything.
Well, wouldn't you know...I stretched my 5 extra minutes into an additional 10. When I finally turned off my computer and got dressed it was now 8:45. I told myself I should start a load of laundry (it should be done by the time I get back)....after I take my medication. I loaded the machine with my work clothes, took my meds and then looked at the clock. 9:00am. Great. Now I'm 30 minutes late.
I look at my dog and realize he hadn't been walked in two days due to the heat and I felt a bit guilty. I made the decision to walk my dog and forego bible study. By the time I got there at this rate it'd be 1/2 over anyway.
Ugh. Inside I felt ashamed. I had all intentions of going the previous few days and thought I was looking forward to attending. But deep down inside, I must have made some internal excuses as to how to avoid it....and then justify it within my mind. My last self-justification was that my body was still recovering from my latest Uticaria outbreak, with my hives about 90% under control. Why chance the heat if I can maintain being cool at home?
I was productive however. I vacuumed the house and mopped the kitchen. I unloaded the dishwasher. I watered the plants and trimmed some bushes out front. I walked the dog. I cleaned the toilets and did two loads of laundry and tidied up a little bit around the house.
I did such a fine job I decied to take a break...again...playing a video game.
The phone rang. Caller ID identified the caller as my mother. I didn't answer. I had already spoke to her on Friday on two seperate occassions that she initiated to talk about my skin condition and I couldn't think for the life of me what more could be said or added that hadn't been discussed 100 times before.
That was sort of a mistake not to take the call and just resign myself to the fact that my mother is on one of her 'missions' and will not give up until she feels she completed her self appointed duty. In this case, getting a hold of me.
Now let me preface the next set of paragraphs with a little background on my mother and me and our dynamic. I am an only child...meaning I have no brothers or sisters to share either the ire or love of my parents. My mother is 100% Italian and has an alpha personality. I do indeed love my mother very, very much. I cannot stress how much I do love her, but, she does have the uncanny ability to drive me crazy, run things into the ground, never let go of ancient history, and generally get involved in things when not asked to because she wants and feel the need to help.
In the past I have asked my mother very politely to back off of certain things, especially when it comes to my marriage and personal life. Sometimes I find myself repeatedly asking her to back off. Sometimes my politeness has a limit...and after we go round and round on a topic for the tenth time, I begin to lose my patience and my politeness.
You also have to understand my mother really has the the best of intentions. I know deep down she means no harm and just wants to help, but she can be the 'nosy neighbor' or the person who just finds themselves in the middle of everything no matter how hard you try and avoid it. To put it simply, my mother has control issues, and I often wonder how much of a contributing factor she is/was in my depression. I say that because as much as I love my mother, I cringe when the phone rings anymore. It's always 'something'. It's usually a laundry list of whats wrong with everybody else, or some wacky advice with no real basis in fact. And probably the biggest issue I have with my mother to date: it takes her forever to get to the point on anything due to the round-about way she discussed things.
You're probably thinking about the same thing right now in regards to me. Well, maybe that is true on occassion. But I really think this is the biggest diffrence between the two of us: I am very detailed orientated and can take you from point A to point Z in a very methodical, effiecient, and planned out manner. My mother can also take you to point Z if you don't mind traveling back to previous points multiple times.
Me: A-B-C-D-E-F......X-Y-Z.
My mother: A-A-B-C-A-D-E-A-B....
You get the point. It's maddening, frustrating, repetitive, eye-rolling, and pateince testing. There are times I catch myself saying "Yeah, yeah..Got it..Okay..Move on....Your point is?" And for some reason, no matter how much I pray to God to grant me patience....it is something I really don't have yet.
So when I don't pick up our house phone...then my cell phone rings just afterwards. Typical M.O. This will continue every half hour until I call back or pick up. The longer I wait, the more intense the conversation will become and then I have to answer additional questions like "Where were you? Why didn't you pick up? I've been trying to call all day."
Yeah, I know.....that's why I don't pick up....I have nothing to say at times and I don't want to get sucked into a 20 minute conversation about who knows what. I relish in peace and quiet at times and enjoy my days off in solitude. 90% of the time the conversations she initiates have no real depth to them or point. I figure its just her way at 64 years of age to keep tabs on me or to interject herself yet again, for her own self-validation. Oh man, I know that sounds so harsh and mean spirited and I cringe internally when I even think it, but that's how I feel.
Needless to say, I avoid the calls as long as I can and decide to suck it up, sit down, and return the call at 3pm.
To be continued.....
Her problem, and I tried to warn her multiple times of this a few years back, is that she has a problem saying "No." to her company when they ask her to do favors. Funny, she doesn't have a problem saying "No." to me when I think about it. She's sorta backed herself into a corner these days in the fact that her boss doesn't even ask for 'favors' anylonger. My wife has said "Yes." so many times in the past, they now just expect her to work when everyone else takes time off for personal reasons. If there is one thing outside our marital and financial issues that irks me is that I really do feel they have her over a barrel and truly take advanatge of the situation. The last few months her work has been piling up and on, and her 40 hour a week job has easily been closer to 60 as of late. The problem is, they really do not compensate her for it...not even 'comp' time. I know the state of the economy we're in, and with some of our bills, we can't afford (for very long) to have one of us lose our job right now. She just got her merit raise and it was a whole 3%. I suppose 3% is better than nothing (my company didn't give any raises so far this year), but 3% of nothing really doesn't equate to much anyhow. It clearly doesn't even come close to the amount of hours she's been working, and for that I do feel bad for her. On the flip side.....the more she works though, I figure the less likely she's apt to get in trouble and also stays away from what I consider some bad outside influences.
Anyway, she got up early on Saturday morning to go to work and since I've been having trouble sleeping anyways, I decided to get up as well. It was early enough where I figured I could do some chores before I went to my mens bible study at 8:30am. At about 7:15 I decided to take a few minutes break and play a video game for a few minutes.
That's the danger of addictive games....my planned 30 minute break started to creep up on 45 minutes and I kept telling myself "5 more minutes" and I gotta go. Well, I must have said that to myself at least 3 times because the next time I looked at the clock it was now 8:25 and I wasn't even dressed. Thankfully, my church os only 2 minutes away, so I figure they never start on time anyway, so if I'm 5 minutes late, I really haven't missed anything.
Well, wouldn't you know...I stretched my 5 extra minutes into an additional 10. When I finally turned off my computer and got dressed it was now 8:45. I told myself I should start a load of laundry (it should be done by the time I get back)....after I take my medication. I loaded the machine with my work clothes, took my meds and then looked at the clock. 9:00am. Great. Now I'm 30 minutes late.
I look at my dog and realize he hadn't been walked in two days due to the heat and I felt a bit guilty. I made the decision to walk my dog and forego bible study. By the time I got there at this rate it'd be 1/2 over anyway.
Ugh. Inside I felt ashamed. I had all intentions of going the previous few days and thought I was looking forward to attending. But deep down inside, I must have made some internal excuses as to how to avoid it....and then justify it within my mind. My last self-justification was that my body was still recovering from my latest Uticaria outbreak, with my hives about 90% under control. Why chance the heat if I can maintain being cool at home?
I was productive however. I vacuumed the house and mopped the kitchen. I unloaded the dishwasher. I watered the plants and trimmed some bushes out front. I walked the dog. I cleaned the toilets and did two loads of laundry and tidied up a little bit around the house.
I did such a fine job I decied to take a break...again...playing a video game.
The phone rang. Caller ID identified the caller as my mother. I didn't answer. I had already spoke to her on Friday on two seperate occassions that she initiated to talk about my skin condition and I couldn't think for the life of me what more could be said or added that hadn't been discussed 100 times before.
That was sort of a mistake not to take the call and just resign myself to the fact that my mother is on one of her 'missions' and will not give up until she feels she completed her self appointed duty. In this case, getting a hold of me.
Now let me preface the next set of paragraphs with a little background on my mother and me and our dynamic. I am an only child...meaning I have no brothers or sisters to share either the ire or love of my parents. My mother is 100% Italian and has an alpha personality. I do indeed love my mother very, very much. I cannot stress how much I do love her, but, she does have the uncanny ability to drive me crazy, run things into the ground, never let go of ancient history, and generally get involved in things when not asked to because she wants and feel the need to help.
In the past I have asked my mother very politely to back off of certain things, especially when it comes to my marriage and personal life. Sometimes I find myself repeatedly asking her to back off. Sometimes my politeness has a limit...and after we go round and round on a topic for the tenth time, I begin to lose my patience and my politeness.
You also have to understand my mother really has the the best of intentions. I know deep down she means no harm and just wants to help, but she can be the 'nosy neighbor' or the person who just finds themselves in the middle of everything no matter how hard you try and avoid it. To put it simply, my mother has control issues, and I often wonder how much of a contributing factor she is/was in my depression. I say that because as much as I love my mother, I cringe when the phone rings anymore. It's always 'something'. It's usually a laundry list of whats wrong with everybody else, or some wacky advice with no real basis in fact. And probably the biggest issue I have with my mother to date: it takes her forever to get to the point on anything due to the round-about way she discussed things.
You're probably thinking about the same thing right now in regards to me. Well, maybe that is true on occassion. But I really think this is the biggest diffrence between the two of us: I am very detailed orientated and can take you from point A to point Z in a very methodical, effiecient, and planned out manner. My mother can also take you to point Z if you don't mind traveling back to previous points multiple times.
Me: A-B-C-D-E-F......X-Y-Z.
My mother: A-A-B-C-A-D-E-A-B....
You get the point. It's maddening, frustrating, repetitive, eye-rolling, and pateince testing. There are times I catch myself saying "Yeah, yeah..Got it..Okay..Move on....Your point is?" And for some reason, no matter how much I pray to God to grant me patience....it is something I really don't have yet.
So when I don't pick up our house phone...then my cell phone rings just afterwards. Typical M.O. This will continue every half hour until I call back or pick up. The longer I wait, the more intense the conversation will become and then I have to answer additional questions like "Where were you? Why didn't you pick up? I've been trying to call all day."
Yeah, I know.....that's why I don't pick up....I have nothing to say at times and I don't want to get sucked into a 20 minute conversation about who knows what. I relish in peace and quiet at times and enjoy my days off in solitude. 90% of the time the conversations she initiates have no real depth to them or point. I figure its just her way at 64 years of age to keep tabs on me or to interject herself yet again, for her own self-validation. Oh man, I know that sounds so harsh and mean spirited and I cringe internally when I even think it, but that's how I feel.
Needless to say, I avoid the calls as long as I can and decide to suck it up, sit down, and return the call at 3pm.
To be continued.....
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