Perhaps it may be the placebo effect, but I feel pretty darn good today.
It's a rainy day here and I had an early start on my day, and the requisite amount of coffee is now flowing, and I feel pretty darn positive so far. I may meet some friends later today for a going away party for an aquaintance at my old job and I may also have a 1/2 day at work today.
This weekend will be doing chores about the house (since it's scheduled to rain all day) and I may work on a few personal hobbies I enjoy. I even have a hankering to play a board game with my wife and step-daughter, and we have a family party to attend tomorrow evening. It's wierd, earlier in the week I was dreading the party...I was not looking forward to going at all and considered it yet another chore.....and yet today, my outlook has done almost a 180, and I have no explanation why. Now I kinda want to go (although tomorrow may change my mind yet again).
I had a brief chance to witness to a stranger yesterday, and she told me I left a lasting impression, although I don't know exactly where she stands, but she was receptive. So that was a blessing in disguise.
I'm enjoying a good cup of coffee and feel relaxed. Praise God.
December 11, 2009
December 09, 2009
Citalopram
I decided to start a new drug today...Citalopram (see link in margin for more info). It's a substitute for Lexapro and also known as Celexa.
As with all anti-depressants, it usually takes a good solid week and then some before ones body adjusts to it and it begins to take hold and starts working its magic. It's basically a serotonin reuptake inhibitor which allows for natural serotonin to stay longer between the gaps of the nerve cells within the brain and thus minimize or stave of feelings of depression.
So why did I decide to start today? To begin with, I have been 'drug' free for quite a few months. Other than what I would consider normal bad days that everyone experiences from time to time, I had been feeling okay for quite some time now. Yes, there were the moments with my wife a few montsh back that I didn't know if I could or wanted to survive the marriage despite my best efforts. I still have 'moments' of wondering what it would be like to re-marry, be single again, make different choices, etc. But I can also say that a few weeks back I had a very bad depressive dream as well...one in which I was divorced...and I wasn't that much happier. In fact I was scared to death about beginning the process of starting to date all over again and felt a stigma over me that I failed. That I failed my wife, my family, myself, and God.
But I'm not about to go down that road today.
It's just been a general feeling as of late once again. I'm feeling a bit insecure as of late. I mentioned some financial strains and step-daughter strains in yesterday's post, and I've been starting to feel agitated once again towards those that my wife has communications with. Is it jealousy? Yes, to a certain extent I think it is. Not sexual per-se, but there's a few male friends of hers that have been extra chatty towards her lately and I can't figure out their angle. One in particular makes some unusual comments (it's probably nothing), but I feel strange that he's making them with no real thought towards me.
It may also be this time of year. It's been cold and rainy as of late and getting darker earlier. I've been feeling a bit fatigued as well, like I could fall asleep in the middle of the day and want to go to bed earlier again. I know for a fact I'm trying to avoid my step-daughter too...I don't want to be around her drama or her immaturity...or her laziness. The longer I am around her, the more I find myself starting to resent the fact she doesn't do anything and her mom keeps making excuses for her. I know when I was 18 years old, I would have been embarrassed to death to be in her position and took a lot of pride in working and starting to become independant whereas I feel she still expects us to provide everything for her. But that seems a littel harsh as well, and I have to temper those thoughts by knowing that not everything was her fault and she is the victim of certain circumstances and attitudes, or lack thereof, from both her biological parents. They both did a crappy job, so I can't blame her for everything.
Hmmm..I feel like I'm rambling again here. My head feels a tad dizzy right now too, most likely from the Citalopram as I had both breakfast and lunch today and a good nights sleep.
I know this is an abrupt ending to this post right now, but I'm losing my train of thought and feel like I'm not making sense anyway.
As with all anti-depressants, it usually takes a good solid week and then some before ones body adjusts to it and it begins to take hold and starts working its magic. It's basically a serotonin reuptake inhibitor which allows for natural serotonin to stay longer between the gaps of the nerve cells within the brain and thus minimize or stave of feelings of depression.
So why did I decide to start today? To begin with, I have been 'drug' free for quite a few months. Other than what I would consider normal bad days that everyone experiences from time to time, I had been feeling okay for quite some time now. Yes, there were the moments with my wife a few montsh back that I didn't know if I could or wanted to survive the marriage despite my best efforts. I still have 'moments' of wondering what it would be like to re-marry, be single again, make different choices, etc. But I can also say that a few weeks back I had a very bad depressive dream as well...one in which I was divorced...and I wasn't that much happier. In fact I was scared to death about beginning the process of starting to date all over again and felt a stigma over me that I failed. That I failed my wife, my family, myself, and God.
But I'm not about to go down that road today.
It's just been a general feeling as of late once again. I'm feeling a bit insecure as of late. I mentioned some financial strains and step-daughter strains in yesterday's post, and I've been starting to feel agitated once again towards those that my wife has communications with. Is it jealousy? Yes, to a certain extent I think it is. Not sexual per-se, but there's a few male friends of hers that have been extra chatty towards her lately and I can't figure out their angle. One in particular makes some unusual comments (it's probably nothing), but I feel strange that he's making them with no real thought towards me.
It may also be this time of year. It's been cold and rainy as of late and getting darker earlier. I've been feeling a bit fatigued as well, like I could fall asleep in the middle of the day and want to go to bed earlier again. I know for a fact I'm trying to avoid my step-daughter too...I don't want to be around her drama or her immaturity...or her laziness. The longer I am around her, the more I find myself starting to resent the fact she doesn't do anything and her mom keeps making excuses for her. I know when I was 18 years old, I would have been embarrassed to death to be in her position and took a lot of pride in working and starting to become independant whereas I feel she still expects us to provide everything for her. But that seems a littel harsh as well, and I have to temper those thoughts by knowing that not everything was her fault and she is the victim of certain circumstances and attitudes, or lack thereof, from both her biological parents. They both did a crappy job, so I can't blame her for everything.
Hmmm..I feel like I'm rambling again here. My head feels a tad dizzy right now too, most likely from the Citalopram as I had both breakfast and lunch today and a good nights sleep.
I know this is an abrupt ending to this post right now, but I'm losing my train of thought and feel like I'm not making sense anyway.
December 08, 2009
Holiday strain
My stress levels are a little higher than normal right now.
My stepdaughter has behaving a bit better tha last few days, but I feel that her last two uncalled for and random 'blowups' at our house have somewhat jaded me more than I originally thought they might have. I'm having a hard time warming up to her right now. When I walk in the door from work, I find myself at a loss for words to say anything to her. I'm polite, I'm cordial, but I can't seem to shake the last few scenes out fo my head and it irriates me. I should forgive and forget and move on, but I'm having a tough time doing that. I'm not sure even if an apology at this point could change my mind.
I want her to get a job. She really does need to get a job, yet another week has gone by and she has done nothing. She's been living with us now for close to two months and she has put in all of a few hours on one single day looking for a job, and has done no follow up yet to my knowledge.
I don't even know how to bring this subject up right now in the house inorder to avoid any argument between her and I, or even my wife and myself right now. I'm a bit confused by my wife as well. A few weeks ago, my wife determined that her daughter had to get a job and I had a lot of confidence in my wife....but it appears she has backed off or back down completely at this point and I just don't have the energy to bring it back up just before the Holidays.
Why is this bugging me so much?
Well, I think a lot has to do with the fact that we are broke right now. Seriously broke. My wife and I both have jobs, but we have had a lot, and I mean A LOT of unexpected bills this year (and the fact my wife still can't manage money very well) that my emergency savings has been pretty much drained. For the first time since I lost my job almost three years ago, I feel like I am living paycheck to paycheck...and I still have nothing to show for it.
I cinched the belt for holiday shopping this year warning my entire family that this year was going to be smaller in scale. I am packing many more brown bag lunches to work as of late and even skipping breakfast altogether just so I can have a few extra bucks for incoming bills I have no idea how I'm going to pay for.
I even traded in some vacation days I had saved up for cash just so I can pay a few bills. Yeah, thats vacation time I won't be taking. So yet another year goes by where I don't go anywhere on vacation because I cannot afford it. Last year I wanted to take my wife and I our for a cruise for a belated honeymoon we never took. Well, it looks like year 6 isn't going to happen either.
I also feel guilty that I haven't tithed in a few weeks either at church. It does indeed burned my heart that I haven't given 10% the last few months. My tithing and donations in general are way down this year and that doesn't sit well with me either. I know I am supposed to truct in my Lord, my God to weather these financial storms, but my friends it just never seems to end.
I think after the holidays, I may even have to get a part time job on the weekends just to get some extra money to pay bills and feel like I have a bit of breathing room. I'll be burning both ends of the candle and I'm sure I'll be moody and tired and worried, but right now, I don't see any escape.
Maybe that's why I didn't sleep very well last night?
My stepdaughter has behaving a bit better tha last few days, but I feel that her last two uncalled for and random 'blowups' at our house have somewhat jaded me more than I originally thought they might have. I'm having a hard time warming up to her right now. When I walk in the door from work, I find myself at a loss for words to say anything to her. I'm polite, I'm cordial, but I can't seem to shake the last few scenes out fo my head and it irriates me. I should forgive and forget and move on, but I'm having a tough time doing that. I'm not sure even if an apology at this point could change my mind.
I want her to get a job. She really does need to get a job, yet another week has gone by and she has done nothing. She's been living with us now for close to two months and she has put in all of a few hours on one single day looking for a job, and has done no follow up yet to my knowledge.
I don't even know how to bring this subject up right now in the house inorder to avoid any argument between her and I, or even my wife and myself right now. I'm a bit confused by my wife as well. A few weeks ago, my wife determined that her daughter had to get a job and I had a lot of confidence in my wife....but it appears she has backed off or back down completely at this point and I just don't have the energy to bring it back up just before the Holidays.
Why is this bugging me so much?
Well, I think a lot has to do with the fact that we are broke right now. Seriously broke. My wife and I both have jobs, but we have had a lot, and I mean A LOT of unexpected bills this year (and the fact my wife still can't manage money very well) that my emergency savings has been pretty much drained. For the first time since I lost my job almost three years ago, I feel like I am living paycheck to paycheck...and I still have nothing to show for it.
I cinched the belt for holiday shopping this year warning my entire family that this year was going to be smaller in scale. I am packing many more brown bag lunches to work as of late and even skipping breakfast altogether just so I can have a few extra bucks for incoming bills I have no idea how I'm going to pay for.
I even traded in some vacation days I had saved up for cash just so I can pay a few bills. Yeah, thats vacation time I won't be taking. So yet another year goes by where I don't go anywhere on vacation because I cannot afford it. Last year I wanted to take my wife and I our for a cruise for a belated honeymoon we never took. Well, it looks like year 6 isn't going to happen either.
I also feel guilty that I haven't tithed in a few weeks either at church. It does indeed burned my heart that I haven't given 10% the last few months. My tithing and donations in general are way down this year and that doesn't sit well with me either. I know I am supposed to truct in my Lord, my God to weather these financial storms, but my friends it just never seems to end.
I think after the holidays, I may even have to get a part time job on the weekends just to get some extra money to pay bills and feel like I have a bit of breathing room. I'll be burning both ends of the candle and I'm sure I'll be moody and tired and worried, but right now, I don't see any escape.
Maybe that's why I didn't sleep very well last night?
December 02, 2009
Status update
I wish I could remember to make more time to my updates here as I feel I am short changing myself at times. It really does help to use this blog as an outlet for minor venting and collecting and or organizing my thoughts.
The last few weeks have had some minor ups and downs.
My step-daughter has moved in on a full time basis now and I'll admit there have been 'moments' where I just want to explode and other times I have to remove myself from her presence for some piece of mind. She's not a 'bad' kid. Not in the sense that she does no drugs, does not drink, does not smoke....but she does have a major attitude and is somewhat lazy.
She's flunked out of school and is now in independant study and has grandiose designs of going out on her own at 18 to live her life. Problem is, she has no job, no money, no car, no drivers license, no savings, and no clue. Her mother and I have spent fruitless hours trying to talk to her about her decisions and try to point out how the real world works, but alas our advice falls on deaf ears. She'll have to find out the hard way, and I can only hope she gets a job soon enough.
As you can imagine, this has put some additional stress on her mother and me, moreso my wife. They have bumped heads on a few occassions now where I have to come in and play the peace broker only so as I don't get too worked up.
The addition of a third member to our household has also put a strain on our finances as well...more groceries, increase in utilities, toiletries, etc. Needless to say it has been a rough two months, especially with the holidays just around the corner.
I've personally been struggling on how hard to put my foot down, where my emotions are in all this, and how to deal with a rebellious spirit at the Holidays who won't even try to get a job to buy presents for her family. It's difficult for me to warm up to someone who takes everything for granted and expects things with nothing in return.
My relatiosnhip with my wife has been a bit lukewarm because of this too. Our intimacies have been put on the backburner and that bums me out, not just because I'm a giy, but a few months back it appeared that we had tuened a corner for the better, and now with my step-daughter moved in, we're all too tired and tense to relax and enjoy each others companies.
I have been going to my men's bible study on Saturday's, but I haven't been going to service the last few weeks on Sunday. I've been a little bitter and angry and not in the mood. I feel guilty, but I also think going into God's house with teh wrong mindset is a waste of His time and mine. Some would argue this is exactly why I should be going and I do understand that point, however, I'm good at making excuses for myself and I abhor confrontation and still pretend I can sweep things under the rug as a viable option.
I took a Clonzapem this morning as I awoke at 5am with my thoughts scattered, my anxiety high, and a knot in my sternum. It took about 20-30 minutes to kick in, but I felt really good afterwards and am trying my best to enjoy my day.
A pleasant surprise is my wife invited me to Sushi this evening. Not sure if it is just the two of us, or my stp daughter as well, but I love sushi, and hopefully my wife knows I'm feeling a bit squeezed as of late and this is her way of giving me a little reprieve.
The last few weeks have had some minor ups and downs.
My step-daughter has moved in on a full time basis now and I'll admit there have been 'moments' where I just want to explode and other times I have to remove myself from her presence for some piece of mind. She's not a 'bad' kid. Not in the sense that she does no drugs, does not drink, does not smoke....but she does have a major attitude and is somewhat lazy.
She's flunked out of school and is now in independant study and has grandiose designs of going out on her own at 18 to live her life. Problem is, she has no job, no money, no car, no drivers license, no savings, and no clue. Her mother and I have spent fruitless hours trying to talk to her about her decisions and try to point out how the real world works, but alas our advice falls on deaf ears. She'll have to find out the hard way, and I can only hope she gets a job soon enough.
As you can imagine, this has put some additional stress on her mother and me, moreso my wife. They have bumped heads on a few occassions now where I have to come in and play the peace broker only so as I don't get too worked up.
The addition of a third member to our household has also put a strain on our finances as well...more groceries, increase in utilities, toiletries, etc. Needless to say it has been a rough two months, especially with the holidays just around the corner.
I've personally been struggling on how hard to put my foot down, where my emotions are in all this, and how to deal with a rebellious spirit at the Holidays who won't even try to get a job to buy presents for her family. It's difficult for me to warm up to someone who takes everything for granted and expects things with nothing in return.
My relatiosnhip with my wife has been a bit lukewarm because of this too. Our intimacies have been put on the backburner and that bums me out, not just because I'm a giy, but a few months back it appeared that we had tuened a corner for the better, and now with my step-daughter moved in, we're all too tired and tense to relax and enjoy each others companies.
I have been going to my men's bible study on Saturday's, but I haven't been going to service the last few weeks on Sunday. I've been a little bitter and angry and not in the mood. I feel guilty, but I also think going into God's house with teh wrong mindset is a waste of His time and mine. Some would argue this is exactly why I should be going and I do understand that point, however, I'm good at making excuses for myself and I abhor confrontation and still pretend I can sweep things under the rug as a viable option.
I took a Clonzapem this morning as I awoke at 5am with my thoughts scattered, my anxiety high, and a knot in my sternum. It took about 20-30 minutes to kick in, but I felt really good afterwards and am trying my best to enjoy my day.
A pleasant surprise is my wife invited me to Sushi this evening. Not sure if it is just the two of us, or my stp daughter as well, but I love sushi, and hopefully my wife knows I'm feeling a bit squeezed as of late and this is her way of giving me a little reprieve.
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