Gosh...time does indeed fly when I take a moment to look back, but if I think in terms of day-to-day it sometimes seems to drag on forever. Thank goodness Heaven is supposedly outside of time, for I have had a horrible sense of time since my last entry. Was it really March 31st? Sorry folks.
The last four weeks has been all over the place. Some ups and downs (mostly downs), but I sit here today, now this afternoon in a state of reserved peace. Actually it's good I've been distracted the last few hours, as earlier this morning I was feeling quite anxious and irritable.
I'm not sure I'll be able to get everything that happened the last 4 weeks into this post...as a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure I won't, so stick around for a few parts over the course of the next few days, but I'll do my best to highlight everything in the best chronological order that I can:
So four weeks ago I was in a bad place. My wife came home late one evening, with no phone call and was not in a position to drive. To say I was angry, dissappointed, and hurt are all understatements.
Despite my wife's earlier declaration that I never call her parents on matters such as these...I personally don't care. What is she going to withold intimacy from me? Well, our sex life is for crap anyway...so no loss on my end. She going to get more defensive and angry? Well, again...so what...she's already irrational and lives in a state of denial, so what does a guy who lives at the bottom of his own house have to lose?
Her mom came down the following day and with the support of my parents and my in-laws, I asked her to leave. My wife has a drinking problem, and although she can't admit it, other people are....except there in lies yet another problem. My wife surrounds herself with enablers. Most of her friends are on their second marriage, or seperated, in broken relationships with children, or never settled down. And here I sit...the un-fun guy (who used to be a lot of fun some would say) who found God. Darkness doesn't like the light because the light has a tendancy to expose, and no one (unless they are ready themselves) likes to be put in the spot light...exposed...naked...and take personal responsibility.
What ensued was not so pleasant a discussion, but thank goodness my mother-in-law stood beside me. As did my brother and sister in law. And my parents.
I was a little shocked on how many people on both sides of my family said it was time for a divorce....that I tried everything that I could, but I was clearly unhappy.....and a wreck...and going on for quite some time now.
I was getting advice from everyone except God, which led me to actually make an appointment with a lawyer. I had a consultation and I sat across from a female lawyer who after I explained everything, told me pretty confidently that I would win. I would keep 'my' house, not have to pay spousal support, she would have to assume her own debt, etc. etc.
If I were a 'soul-less' person,.....a person who didn't care,....I suppose I should be feeling elated....however, I was anything but giddy. I was miserable inside. I knew the next few weeks would be horrible, but I had visions in my head of living in 'our' house alone. How long could I swing this by myself? When would I 'need' to get a roommate? How would we divide the little stuff? The big stuff? I was also determined to keep 'my' dog, my very own slice of sanity that keeps me grounded.
I also had visions of dating again...but this time, making sure I'd be equally yoked. Was 5 months adequate? 6? 7? A year? Whoa...I'm getting ahead of myself, but I couldn't help but wonder what being married to someone else sometime down the line would feel like. Problem is, no matter how unhappy I am, I'm still in love (I don't know why) with my wife, and even though God has been silent, I felt I was letting Him down....that I couldn't keep His promise of 'for better or for worse'. God doesn't bless a marriage that is not biblical, but when we got married I though my wife was more biblical...and I thought I was moreso as well. The truth is, we were both secular, it was only later on I would re-discover God (and even today it can be a struggle).
How could I face my friends? My family? My neighbors? My church? Not only did I let them all down, but myself, and of course God.
Then those closest to me started to explain that God would forgive me. He wanted me to be happy. That it was 'okay' to leave my wife and time heals all wounds. Some of this advice came from other Christians.
But no matter how crappy I feel. No matter how many tears I shed, how many times I felt alone, how many times I didn't want to go home, or even wake up....it just didn't feel right.
And then God finally sent me a message.
No it wasn't audible. No booming voice. No physical touch on the head. No burning bush, or outline of Christ in my toast.
It came like this:
I was an email away from filing for speration. I was expecting the documents to come in the mail that day as a matter of fact. I turned on the radio on my way to work to a Christian station, and the message was all about (drum roll)....Marriage. Almost verbatim, word-for-word, the pastor spoke everything that I was feeling at that time, and told me that I was doing a diservice to God if I, as a Christian, left my wife. It was more complex that that, but that 30 minutes (the time it takes me to drive from my house to my job) this stranger ministered directly to ME.
It was then about an hour later that my own minister, from my own church called me on my cell phone and told me he was praying for me. He asked me what was going on, and I explained the events of the previous few days, and right then and there he spoke to me about marriage. "It's a marathon, not a sprint." My minister also echoed the sentiments of the radio host, and the coincidence of these two events with an hour of each other the day I was going to file papers was uncanny. I would also later learn that the lawyer got my email address wrong, and the paper work was bounced back.
Divine intervention?
Well, only God truly knows that, but I'd like to think my back was up against the wall...I was ready to sign...ready to divorce...ready to plunge my life in uncertainity with the hopes that 'someday' I might come out on the other end....happier.
That was 4 weeks ago as I write this, and it hasn't been a box of chocolates or a bed of roses since then, but things have gotten interesting....
(to be continued)
