If anyone just so happens to stop by this site today, please pray for me.
I really need it. I have a decision to make in the coming days regarding my life and my spouse. I'm actually taking personal time today from work to meet with them in person to discuss 'issues' and need to figure out if these last 5 years of my life are what I need to continue to fight for.
March 31, 2009
March 25, 2009
Can you have depression and know God?
This topic came up rather impromptly the other day during a discussion I was having with some men regarding the indwelling of the Holy Spirit within us upon acceptance of Christ and the continued temptations of Satan and his minions afterwards and the failings of the flesh.
I was a bit astounded when one of the men, generally accepted as a mentor or leader of the group, made a comment that if you have God in your life and in your heart, you cannot have depression.
This automatically raised my internal flag as to not sounding right on various levels and I needed some further clarification. In the past, and admittedly even today I still question my own progress and growth in spiritual faith when I feel slightly down. The question creeps in "If I know God and place my trust into Him, why do I feel crappy?"
I had shared very minimally my past with one or two of the men present but never to the details of suicide or just how deeply depressed I was. To my surprise, this blanket statment seemed to have hit a chord with quite a few of the men who also seemed to question this revelation.
"Depression is the absence of 'hope', and if you know and believe and trust in your God's word, then you also have 'hope'. I submit that if you have no 'hope' then you do not know God."
Take a few minutes to let that sink in, as I have the last few days myself. Now this might not sit 100% well with you, and trust me, it didn't sit exactly hunky-dory with the rest of us either until more explanations and definitions were given.
We came to the agreement over the course of the next half hour or so that the term 'depression' is taken for granted and encompases such a variety of conditions it has been accepted by most people today to mean everything from "I had a moment" to "I had a bad day" to further degrees of "I want to kill myself and I hate everything in sight."
Perhaps those that had a "bad day", just really had a "bad day" and aren't really depressed to begin with.
It was also agreed that chemical imbalances in the head are not symptomatic of not being a believer of not having hope. Some people do indeed have a real physcial problem in which the brain is not producing the correct levels of serotonin or hormones. It's not because they haven't accepted Christ or know the word of God, but their nueral transmitters really not firing off correctly in the brain.....This is a far cry from saying "I feel depressed today because it's gloomy and cold and rainy oustide."
The mentor submitted to us, that a good portion of depression outside of 'real' chemical imbalance and sickness lies with the fact we make eveything out to be about 'us'. That is, the focus of events are no longer about God and His plan, but we selfishly shift the focus unto ourselves.
One of the best ways to break this cycle is to shift the focus off of ourselves and back to Him and in helping others. One man said the cure is a 10 step process.....Do something nice for someone else...and then do it at least 9 more times. The thought process being is that we are blessed when we help someone else out and it takes our minds off of our own problems. Continue to do this and you have no time for your mind to beat yourself down as it is occupied elsewhere. If occupied in doing things for others not only are you investing in eternal rewards in heaven, you chances for sinking into depression are reduced.
The more I think about this....the more it begins to make sense....at least it does to me. So I've been chewing on this the last few days now and am trying to make a mental note of doing things not for myself but for my wife, my neighbors, my coworkers....even when I really don't want to...because at the end of the day it's not about me...
But then again, it always nice to sit back and pontificate on 'what should be', but to put in practice is something entirely different.
I was a bit astounded when one of the men, generally accepted as a mentor or leader of the group, made a comment that if you have God in your life and in your heart, you cannot have depression.
This automatically raised my internal flag as to not sounding right on various levels and I needed some further clarification. In the past, and admittedly even today I still question my own progress and growth in spiritual faith when I feel slightly down. The question creeps in "If I know God and place my trust into Him, why do I feel crappy?"
I had shared very minimally my past with one or two of the men present but never to the details of suicide or just how deeply depressed I was. To my surprise, this blanket statment seemed to have hit a chord with quite a few of the men who also seemed to question this revelation.
"Depression is the absence of 'hope', and if you know and believe and trust in your God's word, then you also have 'hope'. I submit that if you have no 'hope' then you do not know God."
Take a few minutes to let that sink in, as I have the last few days myself. Now this might not sit 100% well with you, and trust me, it didn't sit exactly hunky-dory with the rest of us either until more explanations and definitions were given.
We came to the agreement over the course of the next half hour or so that the term 'depression' is taken for granted and encompases such a variety of conditions it has been accepted by most people today to mean everything from "I had a moment" to "I had a bad day" to further degrees of "I want to kill myself and I hate everything in sight."
Perhaps those that had a "bad day", just really had a "bad day" and aren't really depressed to begin with.
It was also agreed that chemical imbalances in the head are not symptomatic of not being a believer of not having hope. Some people do indeed have a real physcial problem in which the brain is not producing the correct levels of serotonin or hormones. It's not because they haven't accepted Christ or know the word of God, but their nueral transmitters really not firing off correctly in the brain.....This is a far cry from saying "I feel depressed today because it's gloomy and cold and rainy oustide."
The mentor submitted to us, that a good portion of depression outside of 'real' chemical imbalance and sickness lies with the fact we make eveything out to be about 'us'. That is, the focus of events are no longer about God and His plan, but we selfishly shift the focus unto ourselves.
One of the best ways to break this cycle is to shift the focus off of ourselves and back to Him and in helping others. One man said the cure is a 10 step process.....Do something nice for someone else...and then do it at least 9 more times. The thought process being is that we are blessed when we help someone else out and it takes our minds off of our own problems. Continue to do this and you have no time for your mind to beat yourself down as it is occupied elsewhere. If occupied in doing things for others not only are you investing in eternal rewards in heaven, you chances for sinking into depression are reduced.
The more I think about this....the more it begins to make sense....at least it does to me. So I've been chewing on this the last few days now and am trying to make a mental note of doing things not for myself but for my wife, my neighbors, my coworkers....even when I really don't want to...because at the end of the day it's not about me...
But then again, it always nice to sit back and pontificate on 'what should be', but to put in practice is something entirely different.
March 24, 2009
I think I just need a hobby (part III)
So I had a pleasant time at the Train Expo this past weekend. I'm not exactly sure what I was expecting, since I've never been to one before, but I'm happy I went. I had a chance to speak to a couple of guys who were in model train clubs and seemed very excited to share with me their expereinces and a chance to show off their work.
What I learned very quickly is that this is a hobby that consists of some serious investment and time in all of its aspects. Something that I 'could' see myself getting into, however, I do realize that I may have some restraints right now when it comes to both finances and room.
I would need some open space inside my house to build a platform and layout, and some basic carpentry and electrical skills to get the bare basics done. Then it's designing an actual layout that fits, purchasing the train, the track, the controllers, decoding chips, and other basic stuff. At that point you bascially just have a train going in a circle on some plywood. Then comes the serious stuff - decorations, landscaping, props, and kits. Depending on how realistic you want to go and decide on a specific theme, it may cost quite a bit before you even know it and takes years and patience to develop.
The good news is, I enjoy tinkering, creativity, and of course model building. The bad news is once again, I don't have space, money, or spousal support on my side. If I have to be really honest with myself right now, it appears that this hobby may be relegated to viewing other peoples layouts and designs and going to future tradeshows and conventions only to look.
Perhaps my quest for a hobby needs to continue, although the podcasting ideas continue to flourish within my mind and another friend is currently encouraging me to get back into photography...something I also enjoyed in years past and is making it possible for me to afford a new digital camera.
What I learned very quickly is that this is a hobby that consists of some serious investment and time in all of its aspects. Something that I 'could' see myself getting into, however, I do realize that I may have some restraints right now when it comes to both finances and room.
I would need some open space inside my house to build a platform and layout, and some basic carpentry and electrical skills to get the bare basics done. Then it's designing an actual layout that fits, purchasing the train, the track, the controllers, decoding chips, and other basic stuff. At that point you bascially just have a train going in a circle on some plywood. Then comes the serious stuff - decorations, landscaping, props, and kits. Depending on how realistic you want to go and decide on a specific theme, it may cost quite a bit before you even know it and takes years and patience to develop.
The good news is, I enjoy tinkering, creativity, and of course model building. The bad news is once again, I don't have space, money, or spousal support on my side. If I have to be really honest with myself right now, it appears that this hobby may be relegated to viewing other peoples layouts and designs and going to future tradeshows and conventions only to look.
Perhaps my quest for a hobby needs to continue, although the podcasting ideas continue to flourish within my mind and another friend is currently encouraging me to get back into photography...something I also enjoyed in years past and is making it possible for me to afford a new digital camera.
March 20, 2009
I think I just need a hobby (part II)
So where was I?
Oh, a long rambling rant of finding something to do in my spare time that makes me happy and that I can excited about and place my pent up energy into and get some sense of self accomplishment out of.
I spoke of model trains yesterday and briefly mentioned podcasting. So let me tell you more about podcasting. I really enjoy the idea of learning RSS protocols, blogging, sharing (for those that want to hear, or care) and I suppose the idea of having a audio show out there in cyberspace is very intriguing to me. A 30 minute episode produced weekly or biweekly seems completly doable to me, but the biggest issue for me right now is what would the show be about?
I've been reading the book 'Podcasting for Dummies', and I'm pretty good with computers and conceptual understanding to know how it is all supposed to work. But again, it;s the subject matter. What niche could I find myself talking about that already isn't flooded with like minded subjects that could hold an audiences attention for 20 to 30 minutes at a time?
I'm passionate about a lot of diffrent things...like cooking, politics, religion, comic book collecting, video games, science fiction....but a search of podcast directories reveals that these subjects are already saturated and many done in teams of two or more people. How would I make mine stand out amongst all the others.
Do I do show about depression? How fun would that be for either myself or you? Do I do a show about Christ when I am very immature in the studies to begin with? Do I do a comedy show when people do tell me I am very funny and witty when I want to be? How about cooking? Dogs? Current TV shows? Well, it seems that many of these already exist and again, I'm not sure I can sustain enough material to keep a show going for more than a half a dozen epsiodes.
That's another reason I think I need a 'real' hobby. If I could sink my teeth into something cool, say model trains, I could see myself doing a poscast on that.
I have a friend who is single and I envy portions of his lifestyle. On a whim, he can just jump in his car (he belongs to an off roading car club) and he goes on little 2-4 days excursions with variosu people and he always has the most interesting stories and pictures....and they are always diffrent. Like he could do a podcast on the diffrent trips he takes...he could talk about camp grounds, restaurants, points of interest, communing with nature, social circles with his trip mates, pictures he took, weather, and most importantly his car and the tips and tricks of offroading. That to me sounds exciting....but those are 'his' experiences...not mine, and I can't afford to do those types of things. I'm very happy for him, but envious none-the-less.
The last few days (stretching actually into a week or more) I've been wracking my brain on what I would like to do. I come up with fleeting ideas, but then again, nothing that hits me smack in the middle of the head. The best idea I have right now is more or less a jack of all trades variet-esque type show. Something where I could talk about day trips, hobbies, video games, tv...a little bit of everything I like to do....but how do I market it? How do I promote it? How do I secure an audience that may really like my subject one week, but hate all the others?
I must contemplate more.
Oh, a long rambling rant of finding something to do in my spare time that makes me happy and that I can excited about and place my pent up energy into and get some sense of self accomplishment out of.
I spoke of model trains yesterday and briefly mentioned podcasting. So let me tell you more about podcasting. I really enjoy the idea of learning RSS protocols, blogging, sharing (for those that want to hear, or care) and I suppose the idea of having a audio show out there in cyberspace is very intriguing to me. A 30 minute episode produced weekly or biweekly seems completly doable to me, but the biggest issue for me right now is what would the show be about?
I've been reading the book 'Podcasting for Dummies', and I'm pretty good with computers and conceptual understanding to know how it is all supposed to work. But again, it;s the subject matter. What niche could I find myself talking about that already isn't flooded with like minded subjects that could hold an audiences attention for 20 to 30 minutes at a time?
I'm passionate about a lot of diffrent things...like cooking, politics, religion, comic book collecting, video games, science fiction....but a search of podcast directories reveals that these subjects are already saturated and many done in teams of two or more people. How would I make mine stand out amongst all the others.
Do I do show about depression? How fun would that be for either myself or you? Do I do a show about Christ when I am very immature in the studies to begin with? Do I do a comedy show when people do tell me I am very funny and witty when I want to be? How about cooking? Dogs? Current TV shows? Well, it seems that many of these already exist and again, I'm not sure I can sustain enough material to keep a show going for more than a half a dozen epsiodes.
That's another reason I think I need a 'real' hobby. If I could sink my teeth into something cool, say model trains, I could see myself doing a poscast on that.
I have a friend who is single and I envy portions of his lifestyle. On a whim, he can just jump in his car (he belongs to an off roading car club) and he goes on little 2-4 days excursions with variosu people and he always has the most interesting stories and pictures....and they are always diffrent. Like he could do a podcast on the diffrent trips he takes...he could talk about camp grounds, restaurants, points of interest, communing with nature, social circles with his trip mates, pictures he took, weather, and most importantly his car and the tips and tricks of offroading. That to me sounds exciting....but those are 'his' experiences...not mine, and I can't afford to do those types of things. I'm very happy for him, but envious none-the-less.
The last few days (stretching actually into a week or more) I've been wracking my brain on what I would like to do. I come up with fleeting ideas, but then again, nothing that hits me smack in the middle of the head. The best idea I have right now is more or less a jack of all trades variet-esque type show. Something where I could talk about day trips, hobbies, video games, tv...a little bit of everything I like to do....but how do I market it? How do I promote it? How do I secure an audience that may really like my subject one week, but hate all the others?
I must contemplate more.
March 19, 2009
I think I just need a hobby (part I)
Since yesterday's post I have been doing a lot of internal soul searching....looking for a reason to explain why I always seem messed up to various degrees, and can't seem to move beyond the immediate situation on hand. I sometimes think my bouts of depression are not just about overthink the past and the present, but not really having a plan of happiness for the future.
It also doesn't help the situation in general when in my alone times, I have nothing to occupy my mind and to a certain extent my hands (I like making things, taking them apart, rebuilding....Lego's were awesome as a kid).
It's really a sad commentary on my life that the most important things I look forward to these days is just going home after work to watch a bit of TV, maybe play 30 or 45 minutes of a video game, have a mediocre meal, and go to bed to be lulled asleep by late night repeats only to do it all over again the next day (read: rinse and repeat).
I can only dream of taking a 'real' vacation these days due to our personal finances. Last year I swore that I was going to go on a real vacation with my wife. We spoke about a taking a cruise as neither of us have ever taken one. I've been salivating for quite some time about sipping pretty drinks in a lounger watching the set, eating gourmet meals, and not having a general care about teh world for 5 days. Well, guess what....it didn't happen because our money, of course, went elsewhere as usual.
It was also another self pity moment when I realized my recent birthday money that my parents and my aunt gave me was never going to buy myself anything I wanted, but went to bills to give us some much needed breathing room. Think about that....you get some birthday money that is intended to buy something enjoyable for yourself, but instead you use it to pay bills not all of which are your own. (Speaking of birthday gifts....and I know this sounds very petty.... but my wife got me a book and a 1/2 priced video game for a grand total of $35, and my step-daughter didn't even call or send me a card....but of course the very next night my wife had enough money to go meet her friends out at a bar Tuesday night, and money for Bunco last night with the neighbors...Yup, I lose again).
Anyway, sorry for that above tangent. I'm not sure what I was even doing there other than venting in prose instead of keeping it inside.
Needless to say I'm still a bit stressed out, have hives that my coworkers keep pointing out to me (as if I can't see all these splotches myself), and have been overall a bit lonely again. To help occupy my mind to a certain degree I've been looking into new things to do; research on things I may like to dabble in like learning about podcasting, and oddly enough, model trains.
I think back to when one of the first shrinks I saw a few years back and he thought I had ADD. When he first mentioned this, I refuted that inside my own mind and thought he was dead wrong. Now that I'm a little bit older and wiser, I am starting to rethink what he said. Maybe I'm just a little bit more open minded these days...but I'm starting to think he was right. Perhaps I do have ADD. But if I do indeed have ADD, then I think my ADD is my own self trying to fill the void I can't seem to define with something to keep me entertained, stimulated, or grasping for something else than my current state of existance.
So where did model trains come out of? I have no idea. The seed was planted almost a year and a half ago when I saw a tv news broadcast about a train expo in the area and I thought that looked interesting. Well, I never made it that year because no one wanted to go with me and so I told myself if it ever came around again I would go anyway. Well, it's coming around again this weekend (I asked my wife if she wanted to go, and she said 'No.'...suprise, suprise), but I am going anyway with my digital camera.
Not that I can afford any of this intersting hobby, let alone admit I have no room in my house to put down even a 4'x8' track layout, but like anything I get interested in I have learned more about model railroading these last two weeks than I ever have before in my life. I've been listening to model train podcasts, learning the hobby jargon, visiting web pages of hobbyists and dealers alike, and now I'm imagining a life of collecting and building model trains and joing a local club.
I've also been teaching myself about podcasting and RSS protocols and feeds and have been toying with the idea of starting a audio/video podcast (although I must shed my anonymous persona here) and find a subject matter that is worthy and interesting enough to me and others that will have me churning out a 30 minutes podcast every few weeks.
(Due to the unintended length of this post right now, I am deciding to interrupt it here and continue it in the next post).
It also doesn't help the situation in general when in my alone times, I have nothing to occupy my mind and to a certain extent my hands (I like making things, taking them apart, rebuilding....Lego's were awesome as a kid).
It's really a sad commentary on my life that the most important things I look forward to these days is just going home after work to watch a bit of TV, maybe play 30 or 45 minutes of a video game, have a mediocre meal, and go to bed to be lulled asleep by late night repeats only to do it all over again the next day (read: rinse and repeat).
I can only dream of taking a 'real' vacation these days due to our personal finances. Last year I swore that I was going to go on a real vacation with my wife. We spoke about a taking a cruise as neither of us have ever taken one. I've been salivating for quite some time about sipping pretty drinks in a lounger watching the set, eating gourmet meals, and not having a general care about teh world for 5 days. Well, guess what....it didn't happen because our money, of course, went elsewhere as usual.
It was also another self pity moment when I realized my recent birthday money that my parents and my aunt gave me was never going to buy myself anything I wanted, but went to bills to give us some much needed breathing room. Think about that....you get some birthday money that is intended to buy something enjoyable for yourself, but instead you use it to pay bills not all of which are your own. (Speaking of birthday gifts....and I know this sounds very petty.... but my wife got me a book and a 1/2 priced video game for a grand total of $35, and my step-daughter didn't even call or send me a card....but of course the very next night my wife had enough money to go meet her friends out at a bar Tuesday night, and money for Bunco last night with the neighbors...Yup, I lose again).
Anyway, sorry for that above tangent. I'm not sure what I was even doing there other than venting in prose instead of keeping it inside.
Needless to say I'm still a bit stressed out, have hives that my coworkers keep pointing out to me (as if I can't see all these splotches myself), and have been overall a bit lonely again. To help occupy my mind to a certain degree I've been looking into new things to do; research on things I may like to dabble in like learning about podcasting, and oddly enough, model trains.
I think back to when one of the first shrinks I saw a few years back and he thought I had ADD. When he first mentioned this, I refuted that inside my own mind and thought he was dead wrong. Now that I'm a little bit older and wiser, I am starting to rethink what he said. Maybe I'm just a little bit more open minded these days...but I'm starting to think he was right. Perhaps I do have ADD. But if I do indeed have ADD, then I think my ADD is my own self trying to fill the void I can't seem to define with something to keep me entertained, stimulated, or grasping for something else than my current state of existance.
So where did model trains come out of? I have no idea. The seed was planted almost a year and a half ago when I saw a tv news broadcast about a train expo in the area and I thought that looked interesting. Well, I never made it that year because no one wanted to go with me and so I told myself if it ever came around again I would go anyway. Well, it's coming around again this weekend (I asked my wife if she wanted to go, and she said 'No.'...suprise, suprise), but I am going anyway with my digital camera.
Not that I can afford any of this intersting hobby, let alone admit I have no room in my house to put down even a 4'x8' track layout, but like anything I get interested in I have learned more about model railroading these last two weeks than I ever have before in my life. I've been listening to model train podcasts, learning the hobby jargon, visiting web pages of hobbyists and dealers alike, and now I'm imagining a life of collecting and building model trains and joing a local club.
I've also been teaching myself about podcasting and RSS protocols and feeds and have been toying with the idea of starting a audio/video podcast (although I must shed my anonymous persona here) and find a subject matter that is worthy and interesting enough to me and others that will have me churning out a 30 minutes podcast every few weeks.
(Due to the unintended length of this post right now, I am deciding to interrupt it here and continue it in the next post).
March 18, 2009
Hives again
I've been a little stressed out again lately....well, seeing that I'm waking up anywhere between 4am and 5am and feel as if there is a woundup softball behind my sternum, I'd garner to say I've been very stressed out as of late.
My wife is once again making irresponsible financial blunders that is resulting in the bank sending her bounced check notices and the credit card companies calling a few times day looking for her in which she ignores. Couple all this with tax season around the corner, property taxes due, and continued layoffs at my workplace, I broke out in hives a few days ago. My hands are completly swollen right now and itch like crazy.
Even my extended family has made certain observations in which prompted my sister in law to have a mild intervention with me. What was really nice was the fact that she took her time in crafting me a wonderful email that was fair, balanced and has my best interests at heart. And I believe every word of hers.
I haven't gone to church much the last few weeks and I don't really have a good answer as to why.
I've also been trying to distract myself in other ways, perhaps as an escape to the reality that is my life. I've been searching for new hobbies, been engrossed in books and gadgets, and doing just about anything I can to not deal with my home life situation. I've been doing a lot of writing lately, although it hasn't been directed here, and I'm seemingly having a hard time putting cohesive words and thoughts together. That's most likely why I haven't been updating here as much as of late...I'm really having a hard time putting things together right now.
My wife is once again making irresponsible financial blunders that is resulting in the bank sending her bounced check notices and the credit card companies calling a few times day looking for her in which she ignores. Couple all this with tax season around the corner, property taxes due, and continued layoffs at my workplace, I broke out in hives a few days ago. My hands are completly swollen right now and itch like crazy.
Even my extended family has made certain observations in which prompted my sister in law to have a mild intervention with me. What was really nice was the fact that she took her time in crafting me a wonderful email that was fair, balanced and has my best interests at heart. And I believe every word of hers.
I haven't gone to church much the last few weeks and I don't really have a good answer as to why.
I've also been trying to distract myself in other ways, perhaps as an escape to the reality that is my life. I've been searching for new hobbies, been engrossed in books and gadgets, and doing just about anything I can to not deal with my home life situation. I've been doing a lot of writing lately, although it hasn't been directed here, and I'm seemingly having a hard time putting cohesive words and thoughts together. That's most likely why I haven't been updating here as much as of late...I'm really having a hard time putting things together right now.
March 04, 2009
It's been a while
This blog has been on my mind a lot as of late.
It seems that when my emotions are at both their peaks and valleys, I keep wishing there was a PC around or nearby so I can capture my raw thoughts. But that hasn't been the case the last month or so.
The last few weeks I have been alternating between a bit of funk again and being neutral. I had a mild breakdown a few weeks ago in front of some of the men at church...and have taken a self imposed break from going....more out of embarassment I suppose than anything else. At the time they seemed very comforting and caring, yet I haven't heard from any of them since. I don't really blame them for that I suppose, it's not like I've gone out of my way tp contact them either.
On the work front, it has been a mixed blessing. I have survived soem earlier layoffs, but there is another rumored one to happen sometime this month...but it's just a rumor at this point with no real scuttlebutt on which departments may be affected. For me, I've been busy latetly at work....it makes the day go by very fast, but at the same time I get so frustrated with some of the decisions being made (or not made for that matter) as of late, I just walk away at times in befuddlement of what my "superiors" are asking or what they want. It is very hard for me to sit back and bite my tongue sometimes, but in lieu of the fact I can't afford to lose my job, I don't question things anymore no matter how much non-sense things appear on the outside.
I've learned the hard way not to question everything at times, that there may indeed be a reason for the insanity I just can't see, but it's a fine line. If you don't question, you are perceived to "roll over" and continue to get frustrated, but if you do challenge certain decisons (or again, lack thereof), you are perceived to be combative or not a "team player". Sometimes you really just can't win.
That sums up my job as of late....just going through the motions, not causing waves...because the paycheck is important right now.
And why is it so important right now? Because, once again, it was recently revealed that my wife has gotten herself in over her head on her own personal debt where credit card companies are calling our house and this is how I find out. It's been very scary as we are now often making a lot of sacrifices, even foregoing a few meals and every luxury I can think of right now, just to make sure we have enough to cover a few bills.
My faith has been thus tested again as I see no light at the end of the tunnel anytime soon, and then the personal guilt and shame hits me as I then realize how many more people have it so much, much worse than us. I just read a story about 12 year old children being raped by soldiers in Darfur, gang members killing each other in jails, families who lost everything in a flood, or a relative with inoperable cancer...and I'm complaining that I can't go out to a nice dinner this month.
It seems that when my emotions are at both their peaks and valleys, I keep wishing there was a PC around or nearby so I can capture my raw thoughts. But that hasn't been the case the last month or so.
The last few weeks I have been alternating between a bit of funk again and being neutral. I had a mild breakdown a few weeks ago in front of some of the men at church...and have taken a self imposed break from going....more out of embarassment I suppose than anything else. At the time they seemed very comforting and caring, yet I haven't heard from any of them since. I don't really blame them for that I suppose, it's not like I've gone out of my way tp contact them either.
On the work front, it has been a mixed blessing. I have survived soem earlier layoffs, but there is another rumored one to happen sometime this month...but it's just a rumor at this point with no real scuttlebutt on which departments may be affected. For me, I've been busy latetly at work....it makes the day go by very fast, but at the same time I get so frustrated with some of the decisions being made (or not made for that matter) as of late, I just walk away at times in befuddlement of what my "superiors" are asking or what they want. It is very hard for me to sit back and bite my tongue sometimes, but in lieu of the fact I can't afford to lose my job, I don't question things anymore no matter how much non-sense things appear on the outside.
I've learned the hard way not to question everything at times, that there may indeed be a reason for the insanity I just can't see, but it's a fine line. If you don't question, you are perceived to "roll over" and continue to get frustrated, but if you do challenge certain decisons (or again, lack thereof), you are perceived to be combative or not a "team player". Sometimes you really just can't win.
That sums up my job as of late....just going through the motions, not causing waves...because the paycheck is important right now.
And why is it so important right now? Because, once again, it was recently revealed that my wife has gotten herself in over her head on her own personal debt where credit card companies are calling our house and this is how I find out. It's been very scary as we are now often making a lot of sacrifices, even foregoing a few meals and every luxury I can think of right now, just to make sure we have enough to cover a few bills.
My faith has been thus tested again as I see no light at the end of the tunnel anytime soon, and then the personal guilt and shame hits me as I then realize how many more people have it so much, much worse than us. I just read a story about 12 year old children being raped by soldiers in Darfur, gang members killing each other in jails, families who lost everything in a flood, or a relative with inoperable cancer...and I'm complaining that I can't go out to a nice dinner this month.
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