It's so hard to keep mum.

Nothing major, but I find myself struggling not to contact my in-laws to inform them of their daughters inaction which has an impact on me and my family.

See, my dad just called me a few minutes ago to let me know that not one, but two credit card companies called him this morning looking for my ex-wife.  Apparently, even after she told me she was going to take of this....she hasn't.  She's had a full year now to contact them and to make arrangements, and swore to me on numerous occasions she would.

She hasn't.

You may have fooled 'YOUR' family, but you're not fooling me.

What I fail to understand is why the credit companies are calling my parents.  Why would they call someone not on contract?  Are they calling her parents?  Are her parents just ignoring them the calls as well?  Are they even aware that this is going on?

This is one of the reasons I had to turn off my home phone.  85% of the calls I've been getting are credit companies looking for her.  So both my parents and I have been happily been giving them her parents home number.  Whether these companies follow through afterwards and call the numbers we supply, I don't know.

But since this doesn't seem to be working, I have to step it up:  I will now be handing out her 'work' number.  They can call her at work, and when the small cafe starts getting calls regarding her debt, she can handle it there on her 'work' time.

I am so tempted to contact my in laws right now, but my dad says I am so close to the end, why rock the boat now?  While I see what he is saying at a Macro level, the fact is I think that even after the divorce is finalized, she will still not pay these bills, and my parents and I will still get these calls....endlessly.

Every time I get these calls, all I see and hear in my head is the one-sided conversation she had to me in which she said "It's always about the money to you."  And I keep thinking, how ironic...yes, it is about the money....the fact that YOU overspent and expect ME to clean up your mess.  How YOU said you changed, will take responsibility, and make arrangements and HAVE NOT.  How it is always about SOMEONE elses money...but never YOURS!  Why?  Because that's how YOU roll...you have your parents, your family, and your husband ALWAYS bail you out...and then bitch, and moan, and complain, and blame that everyone else (namely me) only cares about money.

Yes, there's a reason why I have never declared bankruptcy and you have.  There's a reason CC companies don't call me but only call you.  There's a reason I am getting a tax return and you are not.  There's a reason why you've been bouncing checks for years and I have not.  There's a reason you took your daughters money for yourself.  There's a reason your last car got repossessed and your parents had to float you the new car and your insurance.  And you have the audacity to tell me, I have an issue with controlling money?

Yes, perhaps I do.  I have an idea of both 'self-control' and a sense of 'responsibility' and live within my means.  Why don't you give that a try since your way isn't working out for you so much.

I'm not sure what I'm hoping to actually accomplish....but I think I'd feel a little better if I could let your parents know that even not under my roof, you're still the same irresponsible person you've always been and let them know about your credit issues.

In like a lion, out like a lamb.

...And such was teh case for the 1 year anniversary that she left.

It was actually yesterday.

1 year that I came home and she was gone, with much of her clothes.

Don't have much really to say on it now that it happened.  Oh, I thought about it a lot the previous two weeks.  I allowed it to keep me up a few times, but when yesterday actually came and left, the day was pretty much went by without a single peep.

The only odd that happened was Tuesday night I got blind copied on an email from my lawyer to hers at 9:30pm stating we reject her recent counter proposal outright.  I like when my lawyer said "Your counterpropsal does not support either the law or the facts of teh case.  When your client wants to get realistic about negotiation, you can contact us."

I have no idea what the offer was, but seeing that her attorney's email had some disclaimer at the end in regards to tax advice and the like, I can only assume that my wife is attempting to make me file both jointly and even pay her tax preparation.  Remember, she's quite pissed off that I am filing seperately as I will be getting a return this year, and she will have to most likely pay.  I'm sure she was counting on getting 1/2 my return, me paying her for her tax preperation, and be able to wash her hands of it.

Despite my continued mess, I had an awesome weekend.  Saw some old schhol chums from years past,...try like 25+ years.  I also had time with my parents, my church, and close friends tooks me out to dinner.  Perhaps it wasn't a perfect birthday weekend (yes, I turned another year), but a far cry from last years when my wife sent me a text message late in the day and otherwise racked with misery.

Shields Up

I was on pins and needles yesterday afternoon once I sent the note to my wife about taxes.

The lack of immediate repsonse from her meant one of three things to me:

1. She hadn't checked her email.
2. Her cell phone was either out of range or dead.
3. She didn't care.

If you bet on #1, (which I did), you were correct.  Starting at 8am this morning the first salvo of heated email came flying my way. 

I won't go into all the nonsensical details, but the gist of it was I was "screwing her...but she's used to it because that's all I do now."

*Sigh*

Yes, I am mad at that statement...and frustrated...but now I have to laugh at it.  I just have to.  It shows me (yet again) she hasn't really changed to the core, she's still in denial after a year, and what selective and revisionist history she has.

So I ask, did I screw her when:

• She left against all families advice to the contrary?
• She was let go from her job for performance related issues?
• She told the neighbors she is paying my bills?
• She accused my female friends of having an affair with me?
• When she lied about having a girls night out locally, but ended up in Vegas with another man?
• When I paid her taxes last year when she said she would pay for them herself?
• When she ran her credit cards into the ground so as collection agencies call her?
• When she called my mother out of the blue and cursed her out while drunk?
• When her first marriage failed?
• She chose happy hour over our Anniversary?
• When she told the lawer I am not giving her access to her belongings, even though I took the time to box them up, and request that she pick them up multiple times?

Yup, I was told that I am 'screwing' her.  This coming from the person who just told me she is 'NOT ON THE BOOKS' at her current 'cash only' job and who doesn't have a 1099 or W2.  My tax man said: "No way, do you want to risk that.  If she gets caught for tax fraud/evasion, I could be on the hook if I file jointly.

Whatever.

Anxiety at 3:30am

After drinking too much Ice-Tea yesterday, I found myself losing track of time and not hitting the sack until about 11:15pm.. Granted the time just changed two days ago, so maybe my body thought it was 10:15 instead.

Pretty uneventful day at work yesterday, and it looks that way again today.  Pretty slow which has given me time to think too much and then try to distract myself by listening to some podcasts I subscribe to via my phone.

I went to the gym both Saturday and Sunday, and since my dad came over this morning to walk my dog, I brought my gym clothes again with me today and I hope to get a decent shoulder workout in tonight for about 30 minutes or so before I go back home.

So a car alarm went off at 3:30 am this morning somewhere in my neighborhood.  Once I shook the cobwebs out and became somewhat aware, I decided I needed to use the restroom as well.  I looked out various windows, but never could identify where the alarm was coming from.  But I also became aware that I had a knot behind my sternum which was actually somewhat uncomfortable and interfered with my breathing.

This happens to me on occasion.  Not as much as it used to, but it does happen.  It's a mild anxiety attack.  The thing is, I have no idea what may have caused it.  I had no alcohol last night, ate a healthy meal, walked my dog after work, etc., etc.  The only thing I can think of is the fact I have to contact my wife sometime today...probably via email...to let her know she has to do her own taxes.

So I took a Clonzapam at 3:38 this morning and awaited for the effects to kick in (usually about 15 minutes).  Soon, I was sound asleep again, and even had a hard time waking up.

In the big scheme of things, this really is a trivial matter.  She's a big girl, and lord knows she is capable, albeit lazy and is expecting me to do it.  And while there should be absolutely no reason for any confrontation in regards to this, I fully expect some backlash.

I can only surmise that I've been thinking about this the last three days and at some deep level within have psyched myself out...in fear.  Isn't that sad?  I'm actually fearful on how she is going to react and I can't even justify why.  What's even more oxymoronic about this whole thing is in one of the podcasts I was listening to yesterday, the whole hour was on 'male confidence', the lack thereof and how to build it.

When I think about myself, I feel fairly confident in many aspects of my life: I've never had an issue making friends.  I am confident in my work abilities.  I am confident in my education and various skills.  I am confident in most of my personal convictions.  But I am not always confident with the opposite sex.

Yep, I said it.

I feel like I can carry on a conversation with a woman.  I can be friends with them.  I can work with them.  I can respect them.  But somehow they disarm me in a way that I suppose I mentally cower at times in terms of speaking about relationships and conflict.  I do not believe I am the 'cave man' or 'Alpha male'.  I tend to be submissive..most likely because I hate conflict.  I want people to like me, so I strive to be delicate and my boundaries are not well defined.  I am emotional.

All this plays into the definition that I am codependant.

I need to 'buk up' as they say and get my 'man card' back.  I can be strong without being a prick and that's what I need to do.  I nee to tell her: "This is how it is NOW...", and be done with it.  Don't get sucked into what she thinks or says or does, or what her family says, thinks, or does.  I need to be captain of my own ship now.  I need to believe that.  I need to own that.  I need to act the part.

The Taxman Cometh...

I will try and not let this be a rant today.  It isn't meant to be one, but I can already feel the stress this building this week.

I have a tax appointment on Saturday.  I just made it yesterday, late in the day once the tax office returned my call and we worked out a time. 

As you may have picked up through previous posts, we went together last year to see our tax man only to have to the next day be the intervention.  When the dust began to settle (after a year it hasn't completely settled yet) I was stuck paying the whole thing.  I paid for the preparation of our taxes.  I paid for both the state and federal income taxes, and I paid for the penalties that my wife incurred by accessing her IRA.

I should be over it, but truth is, I'm not.  I still feel a twinge of anger and/or frustration when I think about how she left me to pay her debt...and continues to do so.  Yes, you can say 'we' incurred the debt together as 'community' practices.  Sure, I suppose there is an argument for that but it's a hard argument for me to swallow and accept seeing that all the penalties 'we' incurred were the result of 'her' actions despite the 'numerous' times I tried to give advice.

Okay, I'm beating a dead horse.

Anyway, a few weeks back she contacted me, "out of the goodness of her heart", that she is willing to file 'jointly' with me again.  Her claim is that I will save money by filing jointly, and if I choose to go solo on this, I will be penalized by the government even more.  Sadly, my attorney agrees as do a few other I asked about it.

The issues I have with this is threefold:

1. Once again, the burden is on me to make the appointment, do the legwork, etc., where she doesn't need to lift a finger (typical).
2. Even though it may save me money for 'my' taxes, I can't shake the feeling that I'll be paying for her and her tax preparation...again.
3. She truly has pitched this to me as "I'm doing you a favor".  Anytime she can take credit for something, and let other people know that she is being 'helpful' just irks me.  I'm sure her family is doting over what a 'fine' person she is, how 'brave' and 'courageous' she is in the face of my adversity.  Maybe not, but my brain works that way.

So I need to contact her probably today or tomorrow and let her know about my appointment.  Personally I don't want to see her.  I do not want her showing up the same time I do.  I think after I am done, I will be just sending her the address (they moved from last year), and count on her to agree to go.

She also is still bugging me about the paperwork on her ring.  I hate to use this as a bargaining chip or leverage, but I may not give it to her until I know she goes to the tax man.  The flip side to this is she might be angry or not agree to go at all unless I give her the paperwork first.  But she sounds like she really needs it to sell the ring.

Truth be told is that I do feel some degree of guilt thinking like this and actually carrying this out.  It doesn't "feel" Christian-like to me...to use leverage...or blackmail.  On the other hand, I can't help but also recall the dozens upon dozens of times my wife has made me wait on her to get something done, told untruths, made me jump through her 'hoops', neglected responsibilities, and more...so why do I want to make ANYTHING easy for her? 

This post kinda flies in the face of my last few ones about 'forgiveness' as well.  Doesn't seem like I have matured much in that department...and I'm aware of that.