It's a tacky title, I know.
I just can't think of what else to call it right now.
My wife just called my cell phone.
I did not pick up.
I let it go to voice mail.
I just listened to it. She informed me that she has completed her 'process' and she is now out. She said she misses me...and that she loves me.
I honestly don't know how I feel right now. I'm kinda numb, various emotions swirling about.
The first question that comes to my mind is: I thought it was 10 days? Today is day 8. The last I spoke with her when she let me know she was leaving for it, she said she's call me on Sunday. That's two days from now. It's only 3pm and she has her cell phone back. I imagine her mother (my MIL) went to pick her up. WIll she make the long drive back today, or will they wait until tomorrow?
For sure I must go to the gym tonight. I must exercise and exhaust myself so that I cannot think and pray that slumber takes me quickly this evening.
I'm still going to the campfire tomorrow, whether she calls again or not. Whether she comes back tomorrow or not.
I'm sitting here....stealing long moments of looking out the window....taking deep breaths.....trying to clear my mind and day dream. My eyes lose focus as they stare out into nothing, only to come back to reality inorder to type another sentence.
tick....tock...tick....tock
"Now what?" enters my mind. We will have to talk eventually, but do I want to listen? I cannot allow myself to fall back into old habits. I cannot and will not be a doormat again. My parents won't go for it. Most of my friends won't either. And lets not forget all those that wrote me off thinking it was my fault that she left. I don't need those people in my life anymore, nor do I want them to be.
Is this why God has allowed the other women to disapear before anything even started?
I recall an earlier post, not too long ago, in which I named all the things I DO NOT miss. In that regard, it's been nice.
Thre's a reason there is a cliche that says "lepoards don't change their spots". Is 8 days enough for a person to be broken, and realize that they caused damage? Is it enough to recognize that they have their own faults? To want to change? To make a decision to turn their life around?
I just don't know.
July 20, 2012
Obstacles.
Maybe the Lord is really trying to tell me something. If He is, I wish He would be more clear and concise, or perhaps open my ears, eyes, and mind to comprehend the things I seem to have little control over.
As you read yesterday, I met someone earlier in the week, and we seemed to have hit it off pretty well. We were planning on meeting for a friendly lunch sometime this weekend. Well, no sooner did I publish yesterday's post, I received a text message from her unexpectedly cancelling on me. She said she was sorry, but something 'came up', and she didn't go into any further explanation, but a vague "maybe some other time?"
I texted her back asking if everything was okay, kinda prompting another chance to fill me in. She said 'yes, everything was fine', and apologized again....nothing further. Has me scratching my head and wondering what happened.
Then this morning I received a text message from my divorced friend in another state who planned on moving here by the end of the year. She's the one I also mentioned before that she would like to explore a relationship with me, once she moves. Well, she informed me today that she is resigning from her job at the end of the day today because the work schedule is too hectic and they will not bend, leaving her unable to schedule meaningful daycare for her daughter. Long story short, her move is now placed on hold as after today she will have no job again.
I know you guys reading this are probably thinking "Hey buddy.....You're not even legally divorced yet. It's only been 4 months. You need time to heal, time to yourself, and be final in your divorce before you even consider moving on."
You're all probably right.
And that's what I'm wondering...if God is sending me a message to slow down...cool my jets....don't do anything rash. Just continue to surround yourself with friends for the right now. He has someone planned for me...the right someone, sometime in my future.
Yeah, I know this. I just have never been good with patience. And I hate being alone. I joke, but can we say "co-dependant much"?
Did I mention yesterday I looked at my most recent paycheck and noted that I have 90+ hours of vacation tiem saved up? Yeah....with nowhere to go. At least I don't want to go by myself. I've asked a few friends, and only one of them kinda responded with half-hearted interest.
I came in early today, so I'll early as well...go to the gym. Need to work off this pent up energy I'm storing and just focus on the campfire tomorrow.
As you read yesterday, I met someone earlier in the week, and we seemed to have hit it off pretty well. We were planning on meeting for a friendly lunch sometime this weekend. Well, no sooner did I publish yesterday's post, I received a text message from her unexpectedly cancelling on me. She said she was sorry, but something 'came up', and she didn't go into any further explanation, but a vague "maybe some other time?"
I texted her back asking if everything was okay, kinda prompting another chance to fill me in. She said 'yes, everything was fine', and apologized again....nothing further. Has me scratching my head and wondering what happened.
Then this morning I received a text message from my divorced friend in another state who planned on moving here by the end of the year. She's the one I also mentioned before that she would like to explore a relationship with me, once she moves. Well, she informed me today that she is resigning from her job at the end of the day today because the work schedule is too hectic and they will not bend, leaving her unable to schedule meaningful daycare for her daughter. Long story short, her move is now placed on hold as after today she will have no job again.
I know you guys reading this are probably thinking "Hey buddy.....You're not even legally divorced yet. It's only been 4 months. You need time to heal, time to yourself, and be final in your divorce before you even consider moving on."
You're all probably right.
And that's what I'm wondering...if God is sending me a message to slow down...cool my jets....don't do anything rash. Just continue to surround yourself with friends for the right now. He has someone planned for me...the right someone, sometime in my future.
Yeah, I know this. I just have never been good with patience. And I hate being alone. I joke, but can we say "co-dependant much"?
Did I mention yesterday I looked at my most recent paycheck and noted that I have 90+ hours of vacation tiem saved up? Yeah....with nowhere to go. At least I don't want to go by myself. I've asked a few friends, and only one of them kinda responded with half-hearted interest.
I came in early today, so I'll early as well...go to the gym. Need to work off this pent up energy I'm storing and just focus on the campfire tomorrow.
July 19, 2012
Bored
It's Thursday here at work, and it is incredibly slow.....and warm. Should hit about 90 degrees today. I went to my car at lunch, and took a brief cat nap while listening to another audio book, and now I'm watching the minutes click by for what seems to be hours.
I'd rather be home today. Doing what? Anything but being here. Going to the gym, walking mydog, watching a movie...anything. I really almost played hooky today. Actually yesterday, I had full intent of calling in today and staying home, but once I got up I decided to come in afterall. Not sure why...guilt I think.
The good news is that after 11 days, my uticaria finally cleared up by late Monday evening. So I've more or less been medication free the last 40 hours and I'm starting to feel like myself again.
I'm making a pork tenderloin with carrots, onions, potatoes and garlic in a crockpot for dinner tonight. I got up at 5:30am with my dog and started prepping my dinner. I invited my best friend over tonight and he agreed, so we'll have dinner at 6:30. I think I may go to Trader Joes after work and get us both a really nice craft beer.
I also splurged and treated myself to a new Google Nexus 7 tablet. Got it yesterday and spent the evening last night configuring it, but didn't really have a chance to play with it yet. Looking forward to reading some books, watching some Netflix, and studying the constelations in my backyard with it. Also installed the bible on it. It's pretty awesome. It was $199 and I saved up quite a while to buy one for myself.
I sometimes wonder about my wife's treatment this week. She is just past 1/2 way through it by now. I wonder if she is able to identify or has come to terms with herself with how much pain she has caused me and so many others. I wonder if she's crying at all? Even 1/10th the tears I have shed the last 4 months? I hope that doesn't make me a bad person in hoping that she is crying. It's weird. One minute I "kinda" care, the next...not so much. Is this what healing feels like? Did I finally turn a corner in my own head? If so, I can't tell you when or where it happened. I just became aware of it the last few days or so...I haven't really missed her. Oh, I miss the company of another person...I miss the idea of being married....of being in love....and I look forward to the day when it happens again.....but just not with her. I'm actually now dreading her call next week when she tells me she's back and wants to see if we can go to therapy together. Right now...I have no interest in it.
Like I said....I don't miss the arguing, the laziness, the smoking, the drinking, the attitude, the under the breath comments, the cold shoulder. No....I don't miss it at all.
My inlaws and SIL/BIL have been very quiet this past week. Not a peep from them. Still talk with my step-daugther. She seems strong. We don't talk about her mother though. Everything but it seems like.
I did meet someone last week. Not even sure if I should mention it here, but I guess I just did. She's 39, divorced and has an 11 year old son who lives nearby. We haven't gone out yet. Not even sure if it is appropriate, although we are supposed to meet up for lunch in public...driving ourselves seperately. Maybe I'm trying to justify it in my head....two 'new friends' meeting for lunch. That's all. I'm wrestling with it big time. First time in over ten years I don't know how to act around the opposite sex. I haven't told any of my friends....or my parents....yet. Is 4 months too soon?
Probably....but I'm so bored at home, especially on the weekends, and I'm so sick and tired of feeling sorry for myself or at the very least pretending that I have control over my thoughts. And most of my neighbors are tyring my nerves anyway...I need to get away from them as well. Who knows....we may have lunch and either one of us will realize something not right and it won't work. Heh...I'm probably thinking way too much about it right now.
Saturday evening, I have a bonfire to attend. I'm looking forward to that at least. A few hours eating hamburgers and smores and telling stories and jokes around a campfire. That's my big plans for Saturday.
3.5 hours left before I go home.
Rinse and repeat.
I'd rather be home today. Doing what? Anything but being here. Going to the gym, walking mydog, watching a movie...anything. I really almost played hooky today. Actually yesterday, I had full intent of calling in today and staying home, but once I got up I decided to come in afterall. Not sure why...guilt I think.
The good news is that after 11 days, my uticaria finally cleared up by late Monday evening. So I've more or less been medication free the last 40 hours and I'm starting to feel like myself again.
I'm making a pork tenderloin with carrots, onions, potatoes and garlic in a crockpot for dinner tonight. I got up at 5:30am with my dog and started prepping my dinner. I invited my best friend over tonight and he agreed, so we'll have dinner at 6:30. I think I may go to Trader Joes after work and get us both a really nice craft beer.
I also splurged and treated myself to a new Google Nexus 7 tablet. Got it yesterday and spent the evening last night configuring it, but didn't really have a chance to play with it yet. Looking forward to reading some books, watching some Netflix, and studying the constelations in my backyard with it. Also installed the bible on it. It's pretty awesome. It was $199 and I saved up quite a while to buy one for myself.
I sometimes wonder about my wife's treatment this week. She is just past 1/2 way through it by now. I wonder if she is able to identify or has come to terms with herself with how much pain she has caused me and so many others. I wonder if she's crying at all? Even 1/10th the tears I have shed the last 4 months? I hope that doesn't make me a bad person in hoping that she is crying. It's weird. One minute I "kinda" care, the next...not so much. Is this what healing feels like? Did I finally turn a corner in my own head? If so, I can't tell you when or where it happened. I just became aware of it the last few days or so...I haven't really missed her. Oh, I miss the company of another person...I miss the idea of being married....of being in love....and I look forward to the day when it happens again.....but just not with her. I'm actually now dreading her call next week when she tells me she's back and wants to see if we can go to therapy together. Right now...I have no interest in it.
Like I said....I don't miss the arguing, the laziness, the smoking, the drinking, the attitude, the under the breath comments, the cold shoulder. No....I don't miss it at all.
My inlaws and SIL/BIL have been very quiet this past week. Not a peep from them. Still talk with my step-daugther. She seems strong. We don't talk about her mother though. Everything but it seems like.
I did meet someone last week. Not even sure if I should mention it here, but I guess I just did. She's 39, divorced and has an 11 year old son who lives nearby. We haven't gone out yet. Not even sure if it is appropriate, although we are supposed to meet up for lunch in public...driving ourselves seperately. Maybe I'm trying to justify it in my head....two 'new friends' meeting for lunch. That's all. I'm wrestling with it big time. First time in over ten years I don't know how to act around the opposite sex. I haven't told any of my friends....or my parents....yet. Is 4 months too soon?
Probably....but I'm so bored at home, especially on the weekends, and I'm so sick and tired of feeling sorry for myself or at the very least pretending that I have control over my thoughts. And most of my neighbors are tyring my nerves anyway...I need to get away from them as well. Who knows....we may have lunch and either one of us will realize something not right and it won't work. Heh...I'm probably thinking way too much about it right now.
Saturday evening, I have a bonfire to attend. I'm looking forward to that at least. A few hours eating hamburgers and smores and telling stories and jokes around a campfire. That's my big plans for Saturday.
3.5 hours left before I go home.
Rinse and repeat.
July 16, 2012
Weekend Adventure
Looking back, I actually did quiet a bit this weekend.
Friday night I went to Celebrate after work. Not much to report there. Just came home and watched Netflix before I went to bed.
Saturday morning saw me at another long men's support group that lasted just over 2 hours. I start get drained at about the 1.5 hour mark, so anything after that, I start to fade.
Went to teh gym, rode the bike for a bit and then did some chores in town. Thankfully it was starting to cool down just a bit. It was no longer 90+ and humid, but somewhere in the high 80's. I'm starting to feel a bit funny with all the drugs in my body. For my Uticaria I have a regime of the following: Prilosec OTC in the morning, followed by 10mg of Prednisone (steroids) throughout the day, 5mg of Clarinex (an anti-histamine) and lastly, Ratadine 5mg...an acid reducer. These are supposed to turn 'off' the receptors that produce my hives.
On top of that, through in my cholesterol medicine and my new amped 40mg dosage of Citropram, and you might begin to understand why I'm a little bloated and foggy. Unfortunately, my Prednisone isn't kicking in like it used to, as my Uticaria has been 9 days now. I thought I was gonna be clear today as it was almost completely gone yesterday, but this morning I awoke to a whole new batch on the top of my hands, my shoulders, and neck. So frustrating.
Anyway, Saturday night we went to the cajun restaraunt. It was a fun and nice drive up, the 4 of us talking and catching up about everything. Dinner was 'good', but nothing that would knock my socks off. I had fried oysters and ctafish, some dirty beans and rice, side salad, sweet tea, french bread, and some jumbalya. Like I said, it was good, but not excellent.
Finishing much sooner than we though we would, we opted to walk around the city a bit. Strange neighboorhood with a lot of "freaks" and curio shops. It's a popular area, although run-down. They had a makeshift carnival going on, so we walked about with our phone cameras and took plenty of cool pictures with Instagram. Finally drove home and back in bed by 10:45.
Sunday, I worked on my train model early on, church, then me and my pup when on a road trip to see my college friend afterall. It was a really nice drive and I think my pup was excited!. About 2/3 of the way there, we made a pit stop so he could go potty and stretch at an outdoor picnic stand under the trees. We sat in the shade for a good 30 minues or so watching motorcyle after motorcylce drive by before we headed back out.
Seeing my freind was nice. I met his wife and 3 children for teh first time in person. He served a nice lunch of steak and salad as we sat poolside and caught up and just talked about things. It was a nice 4 hour visit, finished off with the obligatory pictures before our drive back.
Once again, my pup and I made two pitstops again so he could stretch and I could take pictures. By the time we got home both of us were exhausted. Dinner was a salad for me, and my dog was snoring by 7:30. I didn't last too much longer with me in bed at 9:20.
The last 3 days I finally had some sort of peace. I had good times with good friends who help remind me of who I was and who I still am. Such a blessing.
Although this morning my Uticaria flared back up, and the meds are taking a toll on me. All I can think about right now is going home, relaxing and going to bed praying that these hives will dissapear by tomorrow.
Friday night I went to Celebrate after work. Not much to report there. Just came home and watched Netflix before I went to bed.
Saturday morning saw me at another long men's support group that lasted just over 2 hours. I start get drained at about the 1.5 hour mark, so anything after that, I start to fade.
Went to teh gym, rode the bike for a bit and then did some chores in town. Thankfully it was starting to cool down just a bit. It was no longer 90+ and humid, but somewhere in the high 80's. I'm starting to feel a bit funny with all the drugs in my body. For my Uticaria I have a regime of the following: Prilosec OTC in the morning, followed by 10mg of Prednisone (steroids) throughout the day, 5mg of Clarinex (an anti-histamine) and lastly, Ratadine 5mg...an acid reducer. These are supposed to turn 'off' the receptors that produce my hives.
On top of that, through in my cholesterol medicine and my new amped 40mg dosage of Citropram, and you might begin to understand why I'm a little bloated and foggy. Unfortunately, my Prednisone isn't kicking in like it used to, as my Uticaria has been 9 days now. I thought I was gonna be clear today as it was almost completely gone yesterday, but this morning I awoke to a whole new batch on the top of my hands, my shoulders, and neck. So frustrating.
Anyway, Saturday night we went to the cajun restaraunt. It was a fun and nice drive up, the 4 of us talking and catching up about everything. Dinner was 'good', but nothing that would knock my socks off. I had fried oysters and ctafish, some dirty beans and rice, side salad, sweet tea, french bread, and some jumbalya. Like I said, it was good, but not excellent.
Finishing much sooner than we though we would, we opted to walk around the city a bit. Strange neighboorhood with a lot of "freaks" and curio shops. It's a popular area, although run-down. They had a makeshift carnival going on, so we walked about with our phone cameras and took plenty of cool pictures with Instagram. Finally drove home and back in bed by 10:45.
 |
| Yours truly |
Seeing my freind was nice. I met his wife and 3 children for teh first time in person. He served a nice lunch of steak and salad as we sat poolside and caught up and just talked about things. It was a nice 4 hour visit, finished off with the obligatory pictures before our drive back.
Once again, my pup and I made two pitstops again so he could stretch and I could take pictures. By the time we got home both of us were exhausted. Dinner was a salad for me, and my dog was snoring by 7:30. I didn't last too much longer with me in bed at 9:20.
The last 3 days I finally had some sort of peace. I had good times with good friends who help remind me of who I was and who I still am. Such a blessing.
Although this morning my Uticaria flared back up, and the meds are taking a toll on me. All I can think about right now is going home, relaxing and going to bed praying that these hives will dissapear by tomorrow.
July 13, 2012
Strange weather
Well we had a freakish weather front move in out of nowhere last night. I don't recall any of the weathermen predicting we were gonna rain, but with the heat we've been experiencing the last few days, it got cloudy yesterday afternoon, and started to rain after 5pm.
With temperatures hovering around the low 90's, mixed with sudden rain, you can imagine how humid it was...something my area is not known for. I almost turned on the AC just to combat that sticky feeling, but didn't have to after all.
Made myself a dinner of gnocchi and marinara sauce, got a new steam mop and mopped my kitchen and bathroom, and me and the pup watched TV.
My uticaria was about 95% gone, but that heat and humidity brought a little of it back last night, so one Prednisone later and I awoke looking and feeling all clear. Should not have to take anymore hopefully after today.
Finishing off my 20mg of Citropram, and will bump up to 40mg here in the next day or two and see how that goes.
So far it's quiet at work. Not sure why, but the phone has barely rang and it seems like many of our employees are out. Did I miss a memo?
Tonight will be Celebrate (kinda bummed that the mega-church still has not answered my email from a few days ago). Not sure if that means they are super busy and swamped, or just don't pay attention to their email. Anyway, if the weather keeps up, I'll be home again tonight eating leftover meatloaf I made earlier in the week and watch Netflix (probably Mad Men).
Tomorrow I am supposed to go with my friend to a Cajun restaurant for dinner about an hour away. I'm pretty excited about that, so I'm not bummed I'm staying in tonight. And Sunday another college friend invited me out to his house about 1hr 15min away...but it may be HOT. He wants me to meet his family, and I'm looking forward to it, but it's supposed to be in the upper 90's at his house with humidity and asked me to take my dog as well. That one is up in the air right now. At least gas prices are coming down a bit. Filled up at $3.49 a gallon this morning, so the only cost of going out to my buddies house is gas...he's gonna feed me BBQ, so I'm chill.
My daughter let me know yesterday that her mother (aka my wife) made the drive up to her treatment center yesterday and her first day I believe is today. Friday the 13th...hope that doesn't mean anything. LOL...of course it doesn't...I don't believe in that stuff anyway. She supposedly comes back on the 22nd and said she would call me that evening, or possibly the next day.
From the bottom of my heart, I really do hope that it does her some good. While it may not be for alcohol, maybe she will discover some painful truths about herself and her behaviors that will help teach her about future decisions and directions in her life. Her last text to me was yesterday saying she was leaving to go and that she loved me.
That is the first time she said 'love' in I don't know how long. Seriously, I can't remember. But as I had dinner with my mom and her friend the other night, it was once again brought to my attention how many years my wife has always put herself first, fun first, marriage and me a distant second. This treatment is for her personal demons, not to solve her financial problems, spiritual matters, alcohol, and other things. I can forgive in time, but I can't forget.
I assume that she may want to try to work things me...not right away...we're not talking next week when she gets back, but I have a feeling she'll want to see if we can repair things. I'm just not sure I want to anymore. Yes, I'm jaded, but I am very skeptical about long lasting changes and behaviors. There has been so much damage to me, my family, the way certain people act towards me, etc....I just don't really want to try. At least not now. No one can say I didn't try 100x before it all came to a head.
I have to remind myself I am working on being in a better place, especially mentally, given my track record for depression and anxiety. I don't ever want to be put through this ever again. I don't even want to set myself up for the 'possibility' of getting hurt again.
Yeah, it suck being solo. These last 4 months have been extremely lonely, but I'd rather be lonely that to walk back through my door on eggshells like I did in the past. I'd rather be alone than to wonder if my wife was smashed and wondering if and when she may be coming home. I may miss her, or the person she 'used' to be, but I DO NOT MISS THE STUPID TRIVIAL ARGUMENTS OVER NOTHING.
With temperatures hovering around the low 90's, mixed with sudden rain, you can imagine how humid it was...something my area is not known for. I almost turned on the AC just to combat that sticky feeling, but didn't have to after all.
Made myself a dinner of gnocchi and marinara sauce, got a new steam mop and mopped my kitchen and bathroom, and me and the pup watched TV.
My uticaria was about 95% gone, but that heat and humidity brought a little of it back last night, so one Prednisone later and I awoke looking and feeling all clear. Should not have to take anymore hopefully after today.
Finishing off my 20mg of Citropram, and will bump up to 40mg here in the next day or two and see how that goes.
So far it's quiet at work. Not sure why, but the phone has barely rang and it seems like many of our employees are out. Did I miss a memo?
Tonight will be Celebrate (kinda bummed that the mega-church still has not answered my email from a few days ago). Not sure if that means they are super busy and swamped, or just don't pay attention to their email. Anyway, if the weather keeps up, I'll be home again tonight eating leftover meatloaf I made earlier in the week and watch Netflix (probably Mad Men).
Tomorrow I am supposed to go with my friend to a Cajun restaurant for dinner about an hour away. I'm pretty excited about that, so I'm not bummed I'm staying in tonight. And Sunday another college friend invited me out to his house about 1hr 15min away...but it may be HOT. He wants me to meet his family, and I'm looking forward to it, but it's supposed to be in the upper 90's at his house with humidity and asked me to take my dog as well. That one is up in the air right now. At least gas prices are coming down a bit. Filled up at $3.49 a gallon this morning, so the only cost of going out to my buddies house is gas...he's gonna feed me BBQ, so I'm chill.
My daughter let me know yesterday that her mother (aka my wife) made the drive up to her treatment center yesterday and her first day I believe is today. Friday the 13th...hope that doesn't mean anything. LOL...of course it doesn't...I don't believe in that stuff anyway. She supposedly comes back on the 22nd and said she would call me that evening, or possibly the next day.
From the bottom of my heart, I really do hope that it does her some good. While it may not be for alcohol, maybe she will discover some painful truths about herself and her behaviors that will help teach her about future decisions and directions in her life. Her last text to me was yesterday saying she was leaving to go and that she loved me.
That is the first time she said 'love' in I don't know how long. Seriously, I can't remember. But as I had dinner with my mom and her friend the other night, it was once again brought to my attention how many years my wife has always put herself first, fun first, marriage and me a distant second. This treatment is for her personal demons, not to solve her financial problems, spiritual matters, alcohol, and other things. I can forgive in time, but I can't forget.
I assume that she may want to try to work things me...not right away...we're not talking next week when she gets back, but I have a feeling she'll want to see if we can repair things. I'm just not sure I want to anymore. Yes, I'm jaded, but I am very skeptical about long lasting changes and behaviors. There has been so much damage to me, my family, the way certain people act towards me, etc....I just don't really want to try. At least not now. No one can say I didn't try 100x before it all came to a head.
I have to remind myself I am working on being in a better place, especially mentally, given my track record for depression and anxiety. I don't ever want to be put through this ever again. I don't even want to set myself up for the 'possibility' of getting hurt again.
Yeah, it suck being solo. These last 4 months have been extremely lonely, but I'd rather be lonely that to walk back through my door on eggshells like I did in the past. I'd rather be alone than to wonder if my wife was smashed and wondering if and when she may be coming home. I may miss her, or the person she 'used' to be, but I DO NOT MISS THE STUPID TRIVIAL ARGUMENTS OVER NOTHING.
July 11, 2012
And I didn't even get a sucker
Saw my Dr. yesterday and he finally gave me a new perscription for my Predisone after look at my condition, but did warn me that it may have an adverse affect with my Citropram. Said there have been reports that it can actually deepen certain feelings and moods like depression.
And we also did talk about my Citropram. I told him that the 20mg didn't feel like it was having much of an effect on me, so he bumped it up from 20mg to 40mg. So, in taking what he said about the combination of the two, I will wait until I am off the steroids before I increase my dosage on the depression meds.
I likemy doctor, he does atcually seem to be someone concerened about me and did say he'd like to follow up in a few weeks, and if the 40mg doesn't do the trick...he wants to refer me to a pychologist (the ones that can adminsiter drugs).
And despite my cholesterol medication, good eating habits, and regular exercise he is still a little concerned about by ldl's (the bad choelsterol). He said despite my build, and weight,...he is concerned about my stress levels and hw this could lead to heart disease. To be honest....I know I've mentioned this before...unless I can learn to relax, breath, calm down, etc....I will indeed have a heart attack someday, and not because of being overweight (I'm not), or smoking (I don't), or lack of exercise (I do)...it will be the stress that kills me.
Speaking of stress, it didn't help that a coworker has it on pretty good authority that my company will be downsizing next month. Unsure which departments, or how many people, but it still makes me nervous. That's all I need, to lose my job after 5 years next month while going through a divorce. But best not worry about that now. As Joel Osteen says, God gives you the strength for today, and tomorrow He will give you the strength for that day. We are to live in the present and be thankful for our place today....not to worry about what may or may not happen in a month from now.
After I left the Dr's office, I came home and played with my dog for a bit, but it was hot. 91 degrees. I made my self a little snack and decided to treat myself to a movie. Yup, I went to see The Amazing Spiderman at 3:30. Pretty good, 4/5..a bit anti-climatic, but a nice reboot. By the time I got home it was 6:30. Decided not to go to the seperated men's group on account I never got a call back from the message I left to the church, plus it was hot, plus I was hungry.
I just decided to walk my dog instead and once I got back home made myself a nice cool salad for dinner and stared my steroids. At 9:00pm I checked the thermostate upstairs. 87!!!! Yeah, decided to sleep on the couch instead. Took two pillows and me and my dog slept downstairs. The only bad news with Prednisone it makes you go potty a lot. So I had to get up at least three times throughout the night to relieve myself. Dog got me up at 5:30 for his feeding, then I went back and cat-napped until 7.
I was feeling a bit refreshed this morning, but it's getting warm again and the heat is sapping my energy. If they turned off the lights in my office today, I'm sure I could sleep some moe.
And we also did talk about my Citropram. I told him that the 20mg didn't feel like it was having much of an effect on me, so he bumped it up from 20mg to 40mg. So, in taking what he said about the combination of the two, I will wait until I am off the steroids before I increase my dosage on the depression meds.
I likemy doctor, he does atcually seem to be someone concerened about me and did say he'd like to follow up in a few weeks, and if the 40mg doesn't do the trick...he wants to refer me to a pychologist (the ones that can adminsiter drugs).
And despite my cholesterol medication, good eating habits, and regular exercise he is still a little concerned about by ldl's (the bad choelsterol). He said despite my build, and weight,...he is concerned about my stress levels and hw this could lead to heart disease. To be honest....I know I've mentioned this before...unless I can learn to relax, breath, calm down, etc....I will indeed have a heart attack someday, and not because of being overweight (I'm not), or smoking (I don't), or lack of exercise (I do)...it will be the stress that kills me.
Speaking of stress, it didn't help that a coworker has it on pretty good authority that my company will be downsizing next month. Unsure which departments, or how many people, but it still makes me nervous. That's all I need, to lose my job after 5 years next month while going through a divorce. But best not worry about that now. As Joel Osteen says, God gives you the strength for today, and tomorrow He will give you the strength for that day. We are to live in the present and be thankful for our place today....not to worry about what may or may not happen in a month from now.
After I left the Dr's office, I came home and played with my dog for a bit, but it was hot. 91 degrees. I made my self a little snack and decided to treat myself to a movie. Yup, I went to see The Amazing Spiderman at 3:30. Pretty good, 4/5..a bit anti-climatic, but a nice reboot. By the time I got home it was 6:30. Decided not to go to the seperated men's group on account I never got a call back from the message I left to the church, plus it was hot, plus I was hungry.
I just decided to walk my dog instead and once I got back home made myself a nice cool salad for dinner and stared my steroids. At 9:00pm I checked the thermostate upstairs. 87!!!! Yeah, decided to sleep on the couch instead. Took two pillows and me and my dog slept downstairs. The only bad news with Prednisone it makes you go potty a lot. So I had to get up at least three times throughout the night to relieve myself. Dog got me up at 5:30 for his feeding, then I went back and cat-napped until 7.
I was feeling a bit refreshed this morning, but it's getting warm again and the heat is sapping my energy. If they turned off the lights in my office today, I'm sure I could sleep some moe.
July 10, 2012
Just needed to post this
Saw this earlier today, and took it as my own. Words I should probably memorize and make this my own.
Dr. visit today
I was so tired yesterday that I couldn't make it much past 9pm. I tried watching MaterChef and caught myself dozing at around 920, so I put myself to bed. But it was warm. Even with ceiling fans and open windows, my thermostat upstairs was reading 87 degrees.
So I slept on top of the bed, only to be aoken once again by my dog at 4:45am.
I also notcied that my hands were a bit swollen and I had some more welts on my left arm in addition to my palms itching and irritated. Looks like the fatigue, heat, and stress are causing my Uticaria to flare up again so I made an appointment with the Dr. today.
The good news is that I get to leave work at 1pm today for a 1:30 appointment. And since it is only 2 blocks from my house, I dhould be home by 2pm today. Yay!!
I'll open up the house, get some air going through there and spend some time with my dog and working on a model of mine.
I needed a good arse kicking yesterday, and thanks to 'Anon' for pointing somethings out to me I needed to hear again. Yup, I started grwoing my cajones...then misplaced them for a few days...Need to dust them back off and re-attach.
I'm thinking of taking myself to see SpiderMan then this afternoon. There's a showing at both 3:30 & 4:30. May keep me out of the heat and give me time to pick up my steroids later at teh local CVS.
Also debating on going to another group tonight at the nearby mega-church. They have a men's meeting for 'seperated' men that starts at 7pm (until 9). They also have a 13 week workshop for those wanting to work through their divorces. Boy....I never heard of these things before, and now it's as if I have too many choices. I'll probably call first to get info, 'cause I'm not sure which one may fit me better. I can't imagine the one that meets tonight all that different from my co-dependancy meetings....in other words...if it's just another open share group, I think I'll pass. Not to sound uncaring, but I already know where my pain and hurt is, not sure I want to hear about others that I already hear on Friday nights as well. Could just be doubling up on the same mounatin of pain, and that is not healthy for me.
Tomorrow evening I meet my mom and her friend for dinner, so it seems as if I have the next two days planned out for me.
Saturday my friend want me to go to dinner with him at this world famous cajun restaraunt about an hour away. I think I may do that as well.
Today is my SIL's b-day. She turns 45. I did wish her a happy birthday and she thanked me, bit other than that, no other discussions took place.
While I was walking my dog yesterday, one of the 2 female nighbors actually waved at me. That's a first in a long time. Then literally 20 seconds later the second one drove by (no joke)...this time I tried to wave first....she saw me...and just blew by as if I was invisble. I had mixed feelings: Part of me chuckled on how stupid and immature she is acting, then part of me just looked back down to the ground in disgust and apathy.
Oh well, 2.5 hours left before I leave.
So I slept on top of the bed, only to be aoken once again by my dog at 4:45am.
I also notcied that my hands were a bit swollen and I had some more welts on my left arm in addition to my palms itching and irritated. Looks like the fatigue, heat, and stress are causing my Uticaria to flare up again so I made an appointment with the Dr. today.
The good news is that I get to leave work at 1pm today for a 1:30 appointment. And since it is only 2 blocks from my house, I dhould be home by 2pm today. Yay!!
I'll open up the house, get some air going through there and spend some time with my dog and working on a model of mine.
I needed a good arse kicking yesterday, and thanks to 'Anon' for pointing somethings out to me I needed to hear again. Yup, I started grwoing my cajones...then misplaced them for a few days...Need to dust them back off and re-attach.
I'm thinking of taking myself to see SpiderMan then this afternoon. There's a showing at both 3:30 & 4:30. May keep me out of the heat and give me time to pick up my steroids later at teh local CVS.
Also debating on going to another group tonight at the nearby mega-church. They have a men's meeting for 'seperated' men that starts at 7pm (until 9). They also have a 13 week workshop for those wanting to work through their divorces. Boy....I never heard of these things before, and now it's as if I have too many choices. I'll probably call first to get info, 'cause I'm not sure which one may fit me better. I can't imagine the one that meets tonight all that different from my co-dependancy meetings....in other words...if it's just another open share group, I think I'll pass. Not to sound uncaring, but I already know where my pain and hurt is, not sure I want to hear about others that I already hear on Friday nights as well. Could just be doubling up on the same mounatin of pain, and that is not healthy for me.
Tomorrow evening I meet my mom and her friend for dinner, so it seems as if I have the next two days planned out for me.
Saturday my friend want me to go to dinner with him at this world famous cajun restaraunt about an hour away. I think I may do that as well.
Today is my SIL's b-day. She turns 45. I did wish her a happy birthday and she thanked me, bit other than that, no other discussions took place.
While I was walking my dog yesterday, one of the 2 female nighbors actually waved at me. That's a first in a long time. Then literally 20 seconds later the second one drove by (no joke)...this time I tried to wave first....she saw me...and just blew by as if I was invisble. I had mixed feelings: Part of me chuckled on how stupid and immature she is acting, then part of me just looked back down to the ground in disgust and apathy.
Oh well, 2.5 hours left before I leave.
July 09, 2012
I wish I were Vulcan
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| Spock explaining Pon Farr |
Only once every 7 years, known as Pon Farr, do they allow their emotions to run wild...usually in an over the top agressive fashion including overt sexuality and violence.
I'll also let you know I've been off my medication, Citropram (generic Lexapro), for almost two months now. To be honest, I'm not sure the dosage was working for me anyway. I was taking it every day for almost three months, and I didn't feel any different. Granted, it's one of the most tumultous peridos of my life, but other drugs I have felt the effects, not so much on this one.
Anyway, my emotions were all over the place again this weekend. The two main emotions felt: sadness (and it's step cousins - anxiety, loniliness, doubt) and some anger (guest starring rage & bitterness).
I didn't go to Celebrate on Friday night, which was probably a HUGE mistake. Instead, I went to a bar and a few beers. Not a great combination - beer & feelings of failure. Not even sure why I went. I suppose a part of me just didn't want to hang out with other hard luck cases again on a Friday night, thinking somehow I may have overcome things or I deserved a break from this weekly ritual. Oh, and in case you're wondering...no, I didn't get loaded or drunk. I actually had 2 fish taco's and met a friend there, but was home no later than 8pm.
Saturday I went to my men's group in the morning. It was long. 2 hours long to be exact, about 30 minutes over our normal time. I'm not sure what got accomplished there either. I didn't feel that much different once I left. Actually worse now that I think about it. I started really feeling sorry for myself....Down right feelings of being pathetic. I tried to get out...I did walk my dog, did go to the gym...but those two things only took up less than 2 hours of the whole day. The rest of the day was me alone with my mind.
Yesterday was even worse. I stared the morning by watching Joel Osteen then going to my own church...where I sat in the back row...and cried. One of the guys from my men's group saw me and tried to comfort me, but he knew I was a lost cause. I sucked it up, and finished the service, then went grocery shopping.
I did have a reprieve in the afternoon when some friends asked me to go to an outdoor concert with them. I did and had a great time, until one of them let it slip that my wife and her parents hosted a BBQ last night (Saturday) and many of our mutual friends went. The reason for the BBQ? A "thank you" dinner for those that "supported" her and a "goodbye" before she goes to treatment.
Really?
A "Thank You for your support" BBQ. What are they supporting? The fact she left? The fact they enable her? The fact she been unemployed for 15 months and has done nothing about it? The fact she stuck me with the bills? That she walked away? Are you F'n kidding me? Wow...looks like my inlaws did a 180.
I don't think I was supposed to know about this.
My wife then texted me yesterday...not mentioning the BBQ...but hoping that we can work things out after she returns in a couple of weeks. So, when I got home yesterday afternoon....I just sat with my dog and began thinking. All I could think about was a BBQ with all these enablers about hugging her, giving her kinds words, congratulating her...blah, blah, blah. And I'm home alone.
Yeah, I know as I write this, it makes me look small and petty and whiny. Hell, I agree with that and much more. It made me angry. Sorry, but this makes me want to dig in further and I'm glad I wrote a few of these people out of my life. Even if my wife and I were to get back together....I said 'if'...I'll be darned sure that there is a few certain people that will never set foot in my house again. Not that I am angry, violent, or wish them any ill will. I just don't need them in my life and I feel like a schmuck, but they allowed me to draw that line in the sand and made me decide who I will accept and who I won't accept in my life anymore. For lack of a better term...they are dead to me (at least for now until I the pain is over...and I can willingly forgive).
Then my mom called me....and I lost it.
Yup...my mom's only son was alone in an unlit house crying that I am hurt, I am lonely, and I want the pain to go away. She offered to drive over to my house and keep me company. I thanked her, but said "No.", I didn't feel like company...just wanted to go to bed...and that's what I did at 8:30 last night.
No wonder I got up at 4:30am this morning.
July 06, 2012
Afternoon meditation
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| David Byrne of Talking Heads fame |
I am consciously trying to slow my thinking down, clear my mind, toss away the garbage.
I'm also listening to the Talking Heads on Pandora. David Byrne's voice and lyrics can be both hypnotic and mesmerizing depending on the song. If you get a chance, just give "The Lady Don't Mind" a chance. It's a strange little ditty.
I remember seeing a concert of their's back around 1989 or 1990. What a trip that was. And how could anyone forget the video and song "Burning Down the House"?
Some lines I came across in my devotionals today:
- Many voices clamor for your attention, trying to divert you to another path. But I have called you to walk ever so closely with Me.
- I have called each of My children to a different path, distinctly designed for that one. Do not let anyone convince you that his path is the only right way.
- Since I am invisible, you must not let your senses dominate your thinking.
- The curse of this age is overstimulation of the senses, which blocks out awareness of the unseen world.
- The goal is to be aware of unseen things even as you live out your life in the visible world.
So enevitably, the weekend is upon me again and I have no idea what I want to do. It's funny, because this week was so slow at work that I couldn't wait for it to be over but now that Friday afternoon is here, I'm at a standstill on what I want to do this weekend. Yea, there's the boring chores I always seem to talk about, but I feel like I want to do to something memorable, but what, I do not know. Take a drive to a new town with my dog? Try a new dive bbq joint I've never been to? Pack more stuff at the house? I dunno.
I feel like I need to organize something to. But what? And for whom? For me?
I think my wife drives to her facility tomorrow. Or maybe it's next week, the 13th. I dunno anymore.
I have an option to drive out of town in two weeks for a few days off...though unsure if I am going to follow through with that or not. 6 hour drive to hang out with a friend for 1.5 days, just to drive back? I really need it, but I just dunno.
July 05, 2012
Post 4th
You know...Christians do in fact swear. As a matter of fact, I've let a few words rip from my mouth on occassion even though I know better. And even though I may not say them, I sure am thinking them.
So it was yesterday, when my wife decided to park her car in my driveway while she wanted to hang out with the neighborhood. Enter curse word here. Really? Two of the female neighbors, of course the two I suspected, greeted her with open arms.
Gag me.
My wife was actually pleasant towards me. I gave her more of her mail I had been collecting, and we chatted a few minutes. It was tough for both of us, more so for me though. Anger and Sadness were at war with each other inside of me.
I even allowed her to see my dog. A few of the neighbors saw me and invited me over, but of course the 'enter curse word here' females just looked at me. No "Hi", No waves, No "Happy 4th"..not that I expected any. Explative them!
I hung outside for a bit, but one I realized that there was some actual planning behind all this now, and it was no fluke my wife just showed up, I decided to leave. Explative this!
Went to my other friends house and hung out for a BBQ and firework show. Came home by 10pm to see that my wife's car was still in my driveway. Oh...yay....probably too hammered to drive home so she spent the night at the neighbors house. Good. She texted me, wondering if I was home yet. Yes, I am home, but it's after 10pm, and I have to work tomorrow. Not going to deal with you at 10:30pm on a Wed night with the nosey neighbors about. Nope, not putting on a show for them.
Not sure why, but the whole thing has me riled up. Explative all of them.
So it was yesterday, when my wife decided to park her car in my driveway while she wanted to hang out with the neighborhood. Enter curse word here. Really? Two of the female neighbors, of course the two I suspected, greeted her with open arms.
Gag me.
My wife was actually pleasant towards me. I gave her more of her mail I had been collecting, and we chatted a few minutes. It was tough for both of us, more so for me though. Anger and Sadness were at war with each other inside of me.
I even allowed her to see my dog. A few of the neighbors saw me and invited me over, but of course the 'enter curse word here' females just looked at me. No "Hi", No waves, No "Happy 4th"..not that I expected any. Explative them!
I hung outside for a bit, but one I realized that there was some actual planning behind all this now, and it was no fluke my wife just showed up, I decided to leave. Explative this!
Went to my other friends house and hung out for a BBQ and firework show. Came home by 10pm to see that my wife's car was still in my driveway. Oh...yay....probably too hammered to drive home so she spent the night at the neighbors house. Good. She texted me, wondering if I was home yet. Yes, I am home, but it's after 10pm, and I have to work tomorrow. Not going to deal with you at 10:30pm on a Wed night with the nosey neighbors about. Nope, not putting on a show for them.
Not sure why, but the whole thing has me riled up. Explative all of them.
July 03, 2012
Uptight
My Uticaria is almost gone. Just a few small welts left on the back of my neck that are putting off some heat, but slept pretty well last night.
Work is still slow, been here almost two hours this morning and it has afforded me the dreaded luxury of getting as much of my legal documents together this morning (making last minute copies of stuff, highlighting things, signing on the 'X', blah...blah...blah). I know this will not be an easy process for my wife, unless her mom helps her do it, because as organized and as anal as I can be, collecting all this papers and putting them in some sort of order that makes sense still feels very chaotic. And I also have the luxury of all these items coming to my house, a photocopier, scanner, and an analytical mind. My wife will have to fill in the blanks where she can, and have to do a lot of leg work to catch up to what I have already done.
So I will turn this pile of papers in at 11:15am, and wash my hands of everything for at least a month. My attorney will be on vacation the second 1/2 of July, and I came to an agreement with my wife that I would hold back until August (I'm basically getting a reprieve for a month over any undue and outrageous attorny fees).
This whole thing makes me feel uptight though. I've been slightly anxious all morning. It doesn't help that my mom must have called me a half a dozen times yesterday for no real reason. All trival stuff that could wait for any normal person, but she tends to get fixated when she beleives she needs an answer. If you don't pick up the phone when she calls, she will continue to call every 15 minutes until you do, with increasingly longer messages. It can be insane at times, but I don't feel the need to talk everytime she wants to.
My plans for the 4th are still up in the air. I got invited to 4 different gigs....but none of them are all that appealing to me. I have no real desire to travel anywhere, spend money, get stuck in traffic, explain things to people.....Speaking of which, one of the neighbors ran into me last night and of course the first thing out of her mouth was asking me what's up with my marriage. Ugh...I was polite at first, and answered her question as vaguley as I could...HINTING very heavily that I didn't want to talk about it. But she didn't get the hint. By the 4th time she was 'prying' and starting to put words in my mouth for me, I was starting to get irritated and finally said "Sorry, I just can't talk about this anymore, nor do I want to." and cut her off. I hate doing that to people, but she just wasn't getting it.
I also think I feel a bit anxious because I have a few friends who haven't returned my calls in the last two days. Not sure if that is my co-dependence sneaking out or not, but I can't stand when someone says they are going to call you, and then don't, and then don't return any text messages for two days on end. I'm sure I'll get contacted eventually, but the attitude will be like "no big deal" to them. Well, good for them, but I don't like it myself. I like to treat people as I would like to be treated...and I often show people my courtesy when it comes to following through on communication.
I think tonight after work will be the gym, followed by chilling at home solo tomorrow.
UPDATE: Oh how the hours can change things.
I dropped off my sizeable packet to the lawyers today, although he wasn't in the office. Just went over a few quick notes with the office manager, asked for my packet to be worked on, otherwise thinsg will be put on hold until August.
When I returned to work I noted that I received an email from a 'Christian' friend of mind which was both cryptic and vague. In about two sentences that didn't explain much of anything, my friend has decided to sever their relationship with me based on this line: "I don't think we share the same values. Take care." I don't even know what my friend is referring to, and of course although it's only been about 4 hours, I haev received no repsonse to my inquiry as to why or what happened? Did I say or do something recently in my frustrations? Did I project something? We had spoken by phone just this past Sunday and all seemed okay. Our conversation was 20 minutes long and I thought we hung up on a good note. Apparently I may have reacted or didn't react, said something, alluded to something else that may have been offensive, but for the life of me I can't think what. Needless to say the message was troubling and is very disheartening to me. Not sure why, but it made me cry a bit and has me once again pondering how co-dependant I really am.
And finally, my wife called me an hour ago. It appears my step-daughter just got a car today... a used Toyota Camary. She also informed me that she will be coming to the street tomorrow and wanted to see me. Why is it my 'so called neighbors' can't give me a heads up? Apparently a few of them knew this and didn't want to tell me. Anyway, she wants to see MY dog and wants to hang out with the neighbors tomorrow and hopes I can come out and be socialable as well. Well, I am not going to run and hide from my own street anymore, but I will be avoiding certain neighbors, and I will be leaving my street later in the afternoon to get out of there.
I want to avoid any drama, any ill words I may say or be said against me, don't want to deal with the looks or conversations from nosey neighbors, or give my wife any fodder for her to use against me at some future date. Meaning, I cannot have a drink in front of anyone tomorrow.
Dangit, this day just turned upside down.
Work is still slow, been here almost two hours this morning and it has afforded me the dreaded luxury of getting as much of my legal documents together this morning (making last minute copies of stuff, highlighting things, signing on the 'X', blah...blah...blah). I know this will not be an easy process for my wife, unless her mom helps her do it, because as organized and as anal as I can be, collecting all this papers and putting them in some sort of order that makes sense still feels very chaotic. And I also have the luxury of all these items coming to my house, a photocopier, scanner, and an analytical mind. My wife will have to fill in the blanks where she can, and have to do a lot of leg work to catch up to what I have already done.
So I will turn this pile of papers in at 11:15am, and wash my hands of everything for at least a month. My attorney will be on vacation the second 1/2 of July, and I came to an agreement with my wife that I would hold back until August (I'm basically getting a reprieve for a month over any undue and outrageous attorny fees).
This whole thing makes me feel uptight though. I've been slightly anxious all morning. It doesn't help that my mom must have called me a half a dozen times yesterday for no real reason. All trival stuff that could wait for any normal person, but she tends to get fixated when she beleives she needs an answer. If you don't pick up the phone when she calls, she will continue to call every 15 minutes until you do, with increasingly longer messages. It can be insane at times, but I don't feel the need to talk everytime she wants to.
My plans for the 4th are still up in the air. I got invited to 4 different gigs....but none of them are all that appealing to me. I have no real desire to travel anywhere, spend money, get stuck in traffic, explain things to people.....Speaking of which, one of the neighbors ran into me last night and of course the first thing out of her mouth was asking me what's up with my marriage. Ugh...I was polite at first, and answered her question as vaguley as I could...HINTING very heavily that I didn't want to talk about it. But she didn't get the hint. By the 4th time she was 'prying' and starting to put words in my mouth for me, I was starting to get irritated and finally said "Sorry, I just can't talk about this anymore, nor do I want to." and cut her off. I hate doing that to people, but she just wasn't getting it.
I also think I feel a bit anxious because I have a few friends who haven't returned my calls in the last two days. Not sure if that is my co-dependence sneaking out or not, but I can't stand when someone says they are going to call you, and then don't, and then don't return any text messages for two days on end. I'm sure I'll get contacted eventually, but the attitude will be like "no big deal" to them. Well, good for them, but I don't like it myself. I like to treat people as I would like to be treated...and I often show people my courtesy when it comes to following through on communication.
I think tonight after work will be the gym, followed by chilling at home solo tomorrow.
UPDATE: Oh how the hours can change things.
I dropped off my sizeable packet to the lawyers today, although he wasn't in the office. Just went over a few quick notes with the office manager, asked for my packet to be worked on, otherwise thinsg will be put on hold until August.
When I returned to work I noted that I received an email from a 'Christian' friend of mind which was both cryptic and vague. In about two sentences that didn't explain much of anything, my friend has decided to sever their relationship with me based on this line: "I don't think we share the same values. Take care." I don't even know what my friend is referring to, and of course although it's only been about 4 hours, I haev received no repsonse to my inquiry as to why or what happened? Did I say or do something recently in my frustrations? Did I project something? We had spoken by phone just this past Sunday and all seemed okay. Our conversation was 20 minutes long and I thought we hung up on a good note. Apparently I may have reacted or didn't react, said something, alluded to something else that may have been offensive, but for the life of me I can't think what. Needless to say the message was troubling and is very disheartening to me. Not sure why, but it made me cry a bit and has me once again pondering how co-dependant I really am.
And finally, my wife called me an hour ago. It appears my step-daughter just got a car today... a used Toyota Camary. She also informed me that she will be coming to the street tomorrow and wanted to see me. Why is it my 'so called neighbors' can't give me a heads up? Apparently a few of them knew this and didn't want to tell me. Anyway, she wants to see MY dog and wants to hang out with the neighbors tomorrow and hopes I can come out and be socialable as well. Well, I am not going to run and hide from my own street anymore, but I will be avoiding certain neighbors, and I will be leaving my street later in the afternoon to get out of there.
I want to avoid any drama, any ill words I may say or be said against me, don't want to deal with the looks or conversations from nosey neighbors, or give my wife any fodder for her to use against me at some future date. Meaning, I cannot have a drink in front of anyone tomorrow.
Dangit, this day just turned upside down.
July 02, 2012
Year is half over.
Today is July 2nd, and I came to the realization that this year is half over.
It's 1/2 over and I did not expect this year to go the way that it did.
I had wrote sorta a bucket list on January 1st of many of the things I wanted to accomplish this year. I did the same thing last year and was happy to look back and realize I did teh majority things I had planned on or had set out to do in 2011.
2012 isn't going the way I had planned. Not by a long shot. No trips. No home rennovations. No major progress on my train layout. The only thing I have done is lose weight...and lose money.
I don't want for this post to be dour today. I'm actually in an upbeat mood for the most part, but it is tough to medidiate and swallow the fact that six months have gone by....six months I will never get back...and they have been some of the worst six months of my life that has left me to a certain extent socially paralyzed.
Part of it is a money issue. I thank God everyday that I have a job. And He sustains and fulfills my basic needs. There is food on my table, and electricty in my house, and gas in my car. But I can't really go anywhere, buy anything nice, and I'm constantly cutting coupons, turning off lights, not turning on my (A/C...thank goodness it hasn't been super hot yet) and reigning in a lot of expenditures. This tightening of the belt has caused me to do more cleaning at home, reading more books, watching more home videos, and spending a lot more time with my dog. It's also forced me to get a tad more creative in finding alternative entertainment outside...which isn't a bad thing....in the form of hiking, picnics, hanging outside in the backyard or front with a few of the neighbors.
The part is a soical issue. Many of my friends still ask the burning 'questions'...Some of which I don't mind answering, some of them I do. A few "friends" have written me off, and in turn I've written a few of them off as well. Some of them I miss...others...not so much.
One of the issues I have to deal with is my stress induced Chronic Uticaria. I haven't had an episode in a few years now, but not dealing with mental stress can activate it, and I had mild epsiode that started this past Friday. I usually treat it with plenty of rest, and steroids such as Predisone, cortaid...and plenty of cool showers and cold compresses. It can be highly irritaing in a full blown case...causing me to itch, and swell,, and look visually un-appealing. It's brought on by a combination of stress, fatigue, and heat. All three of which happened this past week, and I spent the weekend paying for it. At least it's almost cleared up now, and hopefully will be gone by tonight.
I didn't go to Celebrate on Friday, and Saturday's mens group was cancelled. I didn't go to church yesterday because I did look like a leper, so I watched Joel Osteen instead and worked about the house. One friend came over and hung out with me yesterday afternoon for a few hours and we visited out on my porch. All in all, I tried to spend no money. See, my lawyers bill came in on Friday, and it was a whopping and unexpected $900 for the month of June. I can only imagine what my wife's is and this may have been her reasoning to ask me to put things on hold. After getting this bill, I can understand why, and have no qualms now about placing thinsg on hold until she gets out of treatment later this month.
Speaking of my wife....she texted me over the weekend and asked if I would reaad her second packet of pre homework she is doing prior to her treatment. I said I would, and I got the 40 page packet. To be honest...I'm not that impressed. My SIL told me that my wife is under a lot of pressure and is completely stressed out over it...and now that I have a copy, and read the first third of it...I don't see what the issue is. It's not like she's working or taking care of anyone, so she has all the time in the world. The very first page says this packet generally takes 8-12 hours to complete if one is being honest with themselves. My wife claims it took her almost a week and a half. I don't see how, but I'm not around her, so I can't judge. I know I work 40 hours a week, sit in traffic 5 hours a week, go to meetings, pay bills, etc, etc...and I still find time to collect all my financial documents, study for a test, etc. But then again, I've always been good with time management....and my wife isn't.
Today is super slow at work. Kinda figured it would be with the 4th smack in the middle of the week. Speaking of which, I have no plans for the 4th as of yet. I have a few options open to me, but none of them strike my fancy. I'd rather just chill with my dog. More on that later..or once I decide what I want to do.
It's 1/2 over and I did not expect this year to go the way that it did.
I had wrote sorta a bucket list on January 1st of many of the things I wanted to accomplish this year. I did the same thing last year and was happy to look back and realize I did teh majority things I had planned on or had set out to do in 2011.
2012 isn't going the way I had planned. Not by a long shot. No trips. No home rennovations. No major progress on my train layout. The only thing I have done is lose weight...and lose money.
I don't want for this post to be dour today. I'm actually in an upbeat mood for the most part, but it is tough to medidiate and swallow the fact that six months have gone by....six months I will never get back...and they have been some of the worst six months of my life that has left me to a certain extent socially paralyzed.
Part of it is a money issue. I thank God everyday that I have a job. And He sustains and fulfills my basic needs. There is food on my table, and electricty in my house, and gas in my car. But I can't really go anywhere, buy anything nice, and I'm constantly cutting coupons, turning off lights, not turning on my (A/C...thank goodness it hasn't been super hot yet) and reigning in a lot of expenditures. This tightening of the belt has caused me to do more cleaning at home, reading more books, watching more home videos, and spending a lot more time with my dog. It's also forced me to get a tad more creative in finding alternative entertainment outside...which isn't a bad thing....in the form of hiking, picnics, hanging outside in the backyard or front with a few of the neighbors.
The part is a soical issue. Many of my friends still ask the burning 'questions'...Some of which I don't mind answering, some of them I do. A few "friends" have written me off, and in turn I've written a few of them off as well. Some of them I miss...others...not so much.
One of the issues I have to deal with is my stress induced Chronic Uticaria. I haven't had an episode in a few years now, but not dealing with mental stress can activate it, and I had mild epsiode that started this past Friday. I usually treat it with plenty of rest, and steroids such as Predisone, cortaid...and plenty of cool showers and cold compresses. It can be highly irritaing in a full blown case...causing me to itch, and swell,, and look visually un-appealing. It's brought on by a combination of stress, fatigue, and heat. All three of which happened this past week, and I spent the weekend paying for it. At least it's almost cleared up now, and hopefully will be gone by tonight.
I didn't go to Celebrate on Friday, and Saturday's mens group was cancelled. I didn't go to church yesterday because I did look like a leper, so I watched Joel Osteen instead and worked about the house. One friend came over and hung out with me yesterday afternoon for a few hours and we visited out on my porch. All in all, I tried to spend no money. See, my lawyers bill came in on Friday, and it was a whopping and unexpected $900 for the month of June. I can only imagine what my wife's is and this may have been her reasoning to ask me to put things on hold. After getting this bill, I can understand why, and have no qualms now about placing thinsg on hold until she gets out of treatment later this month.
Speaking of my wife....she texted me over the weekend and asked if I would reaad her second packet of pre homework she is doing prior to her treatment. I said I would, and I got the 40 page packet. To be honest...I'm not that impressed. My SIL told me that my wife is under a lot of pressure and is completely stressed out over it...and now that I have a copy, and read the first third of it...I don't see what the issue is. It's not like she's working or taking care of anyone, so she has all the time in the world. The very first page says this packet generally takes 8-12 hours to complete if one is being honest with themselves. My wife claims it took her almost a week and a half. I don't see how, but I'm not around her, so I can't judge. I know I work 40 hours a week, sit in traffic 5 hours a week, go to meetings, pay bills, etc, etc...and I still find time to collect all my financial documents, study for a test, etc. But then again, I've always been good with time management....and my wife isn't.
Today is super slow at work. Kinda figured it would be with the 4th smack in the middle of the week. Speaking of which, I have no plans for the 4th as of yet. I have a few options open to me, but none of them strike my fancy. I'd rather just chill with my dog. More on that later..or once I decide what I want to do.
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