Burnt out...literally

So another 3 day holiday weekend came and went and despite just hanging out at my house yesterday I am exhausted!

Friday, I went ahead and skipped Celebrate Recovery.  I just stayed home and watched TV.  A friend texted me, and I just ignored it...I didn't want to head out anywhere after 9pm.  And I'm still actively segregating myself from some of my neighbors....putting some distance between me and them after last weeks wifely visit.

I also skipped my men's group on Saturday morning at 6:15.  Instead, I did chores about the house.  I walked my dog, went to the grocery store, and bombed my legs at the gym.  I bombed them so hard, that I'm actually having trouble walking the last few days since. My quads, glutes, and hamstrings are indeed that sore.  Iwas hoping to go to the gym all three days.  Instead, I made it only the once.

Saturday was a blur.  I attended a BBQ in the afternoon that I was invited to by a friend at my church.  While it was a nice gesture, I could only stay for about 2 hours.  The other issue was that I was the youngest person their by at least 10, if not more years,  I think the majority of the people there were retired and even though I knew many of them, I still felt out of place and out of time.  I'll be honest and admit it did sting a bit when I came home alone (and to not spend money) and then learn that my wife went to a concert that evening in Vegas with some mutual friends...whooping it up and having a good time.  Money should not be my 'god', but I was a little side-tracked on wondering how she paid for it.

Sunday evening I hosted my BBQ, and it was a blast.  It started right around 5pm, and most everyone left by 9:30pm.  The last few hung around until about 11pm, and the uncomfortable questions about my marriage and the status of my wife were brought up.  I figured it was inevitable, but still, I don't really enjoy getting into deep discussions face to face with my friends.  Even though they are my friends and support me, I find some of their advice and antedotes a little too secular for my tastes.  I also don't like revealing major details like I do here.  It's unsettling to me, and even though I'm sure none of them do...I can't help but feel a tinge of my own paranoia and feel like I failed.  Many of them have told me in the past they always consider me a leader

I really tried to limit the discussion as such: 1) We tried a professional intervention for alcohol abuse and it backfired.  2) She got mad and defiant and thus left me and my daughter and wrote off the family.  3) She's been gone since mid-March and shows no signs of effort to try and reconcile with me or anyone.  4) She's still unemployed as far as I know and is leaving me to pay the bills., And finally 5) There are now lawyers involved.

I try not to get into the nitty-gritty details and when they press further, I sense myself deflecting.  I don't exagerate the issues/problems and I tell everyone I am no saint either, but at the end of the day, the simple fact remains and cannot be changed: I (we) tried, she didn't.  I told them I have my days....some 'okay', some 'not-so'.

Yesterday (Monday) was a strange day for me.  In the past, my whole street usually gets together for a BBQ or chat in the afternoon.  At least it's been that way the previous 7 years.  Yesterday it was dead silent.  To keep myself amused, I watched some TV, followed by starting a new train model, then walked my pup.  I laid out in the backyard for only 30 minutes, and this white boy got burnt!  I can't believe how white I am, and that my brief encounter with the sun left me red after only 30 minutes!  And I was also tired.  Even though I got up to feed my dog at 6am, I went back to sleep and never got up until 9am.  The whole day was me feeling like I was moving in slow motion and even thought about taking an extra day off to recharge my batteries.  It was obvious that having 3 days off only accomplished the fact of pointing out my body and mind is indeed that damn tired.

Then other things entered my mind again.  The things I wish to avoid, but can't.  Perhaps it was all the questions from the day before, or because the neighborhood was too quiet, or the fact I noticed that I didn't spend anytime with either side of my family....Anyway, the feelings of anger and resentment started to re-surface (and I have been reassured by many that this will happen over and over for some time).  I know I won't have any closure until all is said and done some time down the road, but at times my mind just churns over and over like a storm still wondering what God has in store for all of us, and what the plan was from day one some 9 years ago.

I realized I have yet to forgive myself and even though I thought I did, apparently I haven't.  I'm trying to rationalize and come to terms as to why I feel so strongly about marriage vows and somehow I should seen this years ago more crystal clear and have prepared for it.  It's not like people didn't warn me.  There are days now that I think I am more "in love" with my vows and the institution of marriage than I was with my own wife, or even myself.  I wanted it to work so damn badly...I did not want to fail. Not fail myself, not fail in front of my friends, not fail my family (or hers), not fail in front of God.  And yet, somehow fail it did.