So I would have these periodic crying episodes that would hit me at odd times no matter where or what I was doing. I'd begin crying in the car, or in the shower, or on the couch, or in the gym. It didn't matter what time of day it was, or who was around, but generally speaking many times I was alone.
Thoughts of hopelessness would wash over me, but it was hard to pinpoint the exact emotion. Sometimes I felt sorry for myself, sometimes I was mad or frustrated at the world, Sometimes I felt anger, other times sad and lonely. And I'll be honest, there were times I wished I could just go home, curl up in bed and not wake up. Yes, not wake up. I still have that feeling now and again actually. Not that I am contemplating suicide....I'm too scared of hurting myself and I'm scared of death in and of itself, and I fear of God's judgement on taking one's own life. However, there are times where it does sound so much easier to close my eyes and be with Jesus. It is said that all the tears will be wiped away, that we will know joy and experience hapiness like we have never experienced before, and there are times I want that.
There are times I don't want to have to deal with the stresses of any job, family drama, world news and politics, finances, maritial disagreements, an aching body, any more bad news in general. I think about about waking up and having all that removed from my heart and my mind. How I long for internal peace and quiet, something I pray to Christ almost daily about, yet it still alludes me.
I wonder then if I have given Christ control of my life. It seems I am in a catch-22 of my own faith. I pray to God and ask him to relieve me of my personal and emotional burdens for he is in control (that is what I am taught and what I believe), but since I still have these issues, I begin to wonder if I am praying enough or if I really did indeed turn over control. If I have turned over control 100%, then why do I feel this way...ergo, I must not have, and thus must pray harder and release and trust more without taking it back. Am I letting go only to take it back hours later? I hope not and I pray not, yet here I am, seemingly back at square one.
Sometime just over a year ago I was starting to get some pains in my chest, just under my sternum. It felt as if a foreign object had taken up residence inside my chest cavity. I wondered if I had strained a muscle from working out to hard at the gym. Worse, what if I had a cyst or cancerous growth? But it would fade after a few minutes. I would think back to what I had recently eaten, but nothing in my diet seemed out of the ordinary.
The pains continued at random intervals. Sometimes they felt as small as a golf ball, and other times felt as large as a baseball. My chest would get tight, I would have problems concentrating, I would feel my hands getting fidgetity, and note it was hard to catch my breath....even as I was sitting down. Was this the warning signal for an early heart attack?
The realization came one day as I was waiting fro a friend to visit me. A good friend of mine who lives out of town had made arrangements to come stay with me a few days and I offered to meet him at a local restaurant as his sister dropped him off. As I sat there waiting by myself, passing the time sipping on a drink, the symptoms began to start. By the time my friend showed up, my excitment to see him was overshadowed by the internal pain I was actually feeling. As we sat at the bar and he was cathcing me up on old times, I appeared to be listening intently, but underneath my nods and attentive eyes, my thoughts were turned inside. I should be happy right now, but instead I can't breathe....my chest feels like its caught in a vice grip...my fingers are twithcing, and I want to go home and get into bed. What the heck is going on with me?
That whole weekend, I faked most of my happiness as to not let my friend down. Sure I was glad too see him, but for the next 72 hours I felt highly uncomfortable within my own skin, easily agitated, and.....alone.
It was then I knew something was indeed wrong with me and I needed to talk to someone. But who? My parents? My friends? My wife? No, I needed to see a doctor, so I made an appointment to have a regular checkup.
To be continued....
October 27, 2006
October 24, 2006
Depression - Part 1 - A Starting Point
de‧pres‧sion [di-presh-uhn] - noun
1. the act of depressing.
2. the state of being depressed.
3. sadness; gloom; dejection.
4. Psychiatry. a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.
5. dullness or inactivity, as of trade.
There are other forms and definitions of depression as well, such as that of a valley, or weather patterns in meteorology, but I am talking about the depression which we feel inside of us.
Depression feels different for everyone, and some people are better apt to cope with it than others are. It can be a mild sadness that is quickly overcome, or deep rooted that last for years. It is varying degrees of pain, emotional and spiritual perhaps resulting in an occasional bad mood to uncontrollable sobbing.
I'm not sure how it starts within people, nor do I claim to understand the science behind it.
I can't sit here and tell you the exact time and date in which depression got a hold of me. I know this sounds weird, but I suspect I may have had the onset of depression for many years and only very recently identified that I was indeed a different person than I was many years ago.
When I say 'different', I mean I recall having more or less a better than average childhood. I was well looked after, in good health, smart, and loved very much by my parents, and I believe I even came to know God and Jesus at an early age. I was considered a man with a quick wit, enjoyable to be around, a hard worker, easy to get along with, and even popular in school by some measures. Overall, I can even admit things have worked out for me....maybe not exactly how I wished or once dreamed them to be, but I recognize that God has a plan for each and everyone of us, and my life could be a lot worse.
I've also been known as a sensitive person. One who can get hurt very easily with stinging words, frustrated by failure or not understanding, sad when bad things happen, empathise with those also in pain.
I guess I also realized this about myself for many years as well. I always wanted to give those who let me down a second or even third chance. Give them the benefit of the doubt, because friendship has a special place in my heart, and I do not like being at odds with people, no matter what the reason.
Because I was conscious of being a sensitive person, I tried and still do try to build up certain walls of protection around me. I want to be viewed as stoic and impenetrable with my emotions and feelings, only to protect myself....my heart...my mind...my spirit...from those that inadvertently hurt me. I often dream of a fantasy persona I have created for myself in which names and wrong doings will never hurt me, and I can shrug them off as casually as someone devoid of feelings.
But I repeatedly fail. And in some cases I fail in front of others...showing that 'weak' side if you will. My friends have seen me cry. My wife has seen me cry. My parents have seen me weep. Strangers have seen me cry. And I am ashamed at this. There is a corner of my mind that says I am too old to show this emotion, too strong to let others see me crumble, that people will consider me emotionally stunted and weak...and we all know that we've been conditioned to think women don't like cry babies. They may like an emotional man once in a blue moon, but a man who walks through life in self doubt and carries with him an air of fragile emotions, well they don't want that in the long wrong. They want to look up to their man, as the head of the house, the backbone of the family, nothing can phase him in the face of familial danger.
About two years ago I became aware of changes taking place inside of me. As time progressed I learned that my friends, family, and wife took notice of these changes for some time before I did. I was having mood swings more often, sleeping less, found myself worrying about things in general, didn't find the humor in things as often, and my wit was becomming more sarcastic in tone. I was at a crossroads in my mind of wanting to be left alone yet also surrounded by those I cared and loved. I sought out Christ in prayers as a last ditch manuever, but often never feeling satisfied with life in general.
My emotions really went on a roller coaster ride at this stage of my life. Though I was indeed hit with some bad news and situations from time to time that would make any sane person sad, I soon found that my moods would peak and plummet within minutes.
I began to cry for no apparant reason. Cry more often and more intensly than I would have liked. I wanted to turn my mind off from the thoughts and feelings that were taking place, but I couldn't, even prayer would not quell my angst.
My wife would ask me what's wrong, and many times I didn't have an answer. Or if I did have an answer, I was afraid to vocalize it in case I hurt her or make the situation worse. My temper was volitile, and while I am not a violent person, I imagined myslef hitting and destroying things. But I never did. I bottled up these raw emotions even deeper in fear of doing something physical and stupid. And when these feelings of inner turmoil and rage began to bubble near the surface, instead of lashing out, I would break down and cry. And cry hard and cry long.
To be continued....
1. the act of depressing.
2. the state of being depressed.
3. sadness; gloom; dejection.
4. Psychiatry. a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.
5. dullness or inactivity, as of trade.
There are other forms and definitions of depression as well, such as that of a valley, or weather patterns in meteorology, but I am talking about the depression which we feel inside of us.
Depression feels different for everyone, and some people are better apt to cope with it than others are. It can be a mild sadness that is quickly overcome, or deep rooted that last for years. It is varying degrees of pain, emotional and spiritual perhaps resulting in an occasional bad mood to uncontrollable sobbing.
I'm not sure how it starts within people, nor do I claim to understand the science behind it.
I can't sit here and tell you the exact time and date in which depression got a hold of me. I know this sounds weird, but I suspect I may have had the onset of depression for many years and only very recently identified that I was indeed a different person than I was many years ago.
When I say 'different', I mean I recall having more or less a better than average childhood. I was well looked after, in good health, smart, and loved very much by my parents, and I believe I even came to know God and Jesus at an early age. I was considered a man with a quick wit, enjoyable to be around, a hard worker, easy to get along with, and even popular in school by some measures. Overall, I can even admit things have worked out for me....maybe not exactly how I wished or once dreamed them to be, but I recognize that God has a plan for each and everyone of us, and my life could be a lot worse.
I've also been known as a sensitive person. One who can get hurt very easily with stinging words, frustrated by failure or not understanding, sad when bad things happen, empathise with those also in pain.
I guess I also realized this about myself for many years as well. I always wanted to give those who let me down a second or even third chance. Give them the benefit of the doubt, because friendship has a special place in my heart, and I do not like being at odds with people, no matter what the reason.
Because I was conscious of being a sensitive person, I tried and still do try to build up certain walls of protection around me. I want to be viewed as stoic and impenetrable with my emotions and feelings, only to protect myself....my heart...my mind...my spirit...from those that inadvertently hurt me. I often dream of a fantasy persona I have created for myself in which names and wrong doings will never hurt me, and I can shrug them off as casually as someone devoid of feelings.
But I repeatedly fail. And in some cases I fail in front of others...showing that 'weak' side if you will. My friends have seen me cry. My wife has seen me cry. My parents have seen me weep. Strangers have seen me cry. And I am ashamed at this. There is a corner of my mind that says I am too old to show this emotion, too strong to let others see me crumble, that people will consider me emotionally stunted and weak...and we all know that we've been conditioned to think women don't like cry babies. They may like an emotional man once in a blue moon, but a man who walks through life in self doubt and carries with him an air of fragile emotions, well they don't want that in the long wrong. They want to look up to their man, as the head of the house, the backbone of the family, nothing can phase him in the face of familial danger.
About two years ago I became aware of changes taking place inside of me. As time progressed I learned that my friends, family, and wife took notice of these changes for some time before I did. I was having mood swings more often, sleeping less, found myself worrying about things in general, didn't find the humor in things as often, and my wit was becomming more sarcastic in tone. I was at a crossroads in my mind of wanting to be left alone yet also surrounded by those I cared and loved. I sought out Christ in prayers as a last ditch manuever, but often never feeling satisfied with life in general.
My emotions really went on a roller coaster ride at this stage of my life. Though I was indeed hit with some bad news and situations from time to time that would make any sane person sad, I soon found that my moods would peak and plummet within minutes.
I began to cry for no apparant reason. Cry more often and more intensly than I would have liked. I wanted to turn my mind off from the thoughts and feelings that were taking place, but I couldn't, even prayer would not quell my angst.
My wife would ask me what's wrong, and many times I didn't have an answer. Or if I did have an answer, I was afraid to vocalize it in case I hurt her or make the situation worse. My temper was volitile, and while I am not a violent person, I imagined myslef hitting and destroying things. But I never did. I bottled up these raw emotions even deeper in fear of doing something physical and stupid. And when these feelings of inner turmoil and rage began to bubble near the surface, instead of lashing out, I would break down and cry. And cry hard and cry long.
To be continued....
October 19, 2006
Update on 'R'
Well, I just received news that 'R' had his surgery yesterday somewhere around 2pm PST and as of 9:30pm it was considered a success.
I know it's too early to tell, but so far it seems as if the body is accepting the liver and he does not have to take heart medication. It appears that his heart needed to be resuscitated sometime last Friday night.
He'll be asleep the next few days and can only have 30 minute visits with his mother and 'H' right now.
I'm very happy to hear this and am glad to see he turned a corner. Puts things into perspective yet again for me. How dare I whine and cry at trivial things when there is other things that are so much more life threatening and important than money, jobs, etc.
Thank you God for once again reminding me that you are in control.
I know it's too early to tell, but so far it seems as if the body is accepting the liver and he does not have to take heart medication. It appears that his heart needed to be resuscitated sometime last Friday night.
He'll be asleep the next few days and can only have 30 minute visits with his mother and 'H' right now.
I'm very happy to hear this and am glad to see he turned a corner. Puts things into perspective yet again for me. How dare I whine and cry at trivial things when there is other things that are so much more life threatening and important than money, jobs, etc.
Thank you God for once again reminding me that you are in control.
October 18, 2006
Tragic news
Taking a break from my regular thought process to bring something to your attention and request prayer.
A friend of mine, 'H' whom I have worked with for ten years finally found happiness in a man she would like to marry named 'R'. She has had boyfriends in the past, but I think she believes 'R' is the one.
I've met 'R' and hung out at casual parties with him on occasion, and I really like him. He's a very nice man and in relatively great shape and knows God as does 'H'. He even put aside his male pride in realizing that 'H' makes more money than him, and he's okay with that. Liek me, he's beginning to learn that money isn't everything. Also like me, 'R' likes to spend time in the gym and is pretty muscular.
I'm not positive on if this was a factor leading up to an injury, but I guess 'R' has been in some pain for a while now. Pain so annoying that simple aspirin wasn't doing the trick, so he ended up doubling the amount of Tylenol PM. Whereas a regular dosage is 2 pills, he was taking 4. And it just wasn't a one time deal, and though I am not 100% positive, he had been on this higher dosage of self medication for numerous days, perhaps even weeks in a row.
Finally this caught up with him, and actually did more harm than good. So much harm in fact, that long story short, he ended up in the hospital with liver failure soon to be followed by kidney failure. He is currently on dialysis for his blood, but more importantly, he has to have a liver transplant. He's only in his mid 30's as well, like me, and now he's supposedly #1 on a liver transplant list. I can barely believe it, as he was just at my house a few weeks ago and I'd say he was healthier than me. And now he lays in a hospital awaiting a liver.
So many questions. Will he make it? How is 'H' holding up? How is this affecting his, and their relationship with God? Possible marriage plans? Life span? Income? Dietary habits?
So I ask that you pray for 'R' and hopefully it is God's will that he pull through and live a productive life.
A friend of mine, 'H' whom I have worked with for ten years finally found happiness in a man she would like to marry named 'R'. She has had boyfriends in the past, but I think she believes 'R' is the one.
I've met 'R' and hung out at casual parties with him on occasion, and I really like him. He's a very nice man and in relatively great shape and knows God as does 'H'. He even put aside his male pride in realizing that 'H' makes more money than him, and he's okay with that. Liek me, he's beginning to learn that money isn't everything. Also like me, 'R' likes to spend time in the gym and is pretty muscular.
I'm not positive on if this was a factor leading up to an injury, but I guess 'R' has been in some pain for a while now. Pain so annoying that simple aspirin wasn't doing the trick, so he ended up doubling the amount of Tylenol PM. Whereas a regular dosage is 2 pills, he was taking 4. And it just wasn't a one time deal, and though I am not 100% positive, he had been on this higher dosage of self medication for numerous days, perhaps even weeks in a row.
Finally this caught up with him, and actually did more harm than good. So much harm in fact, that long story short, he ended up in the hospital with liver failure soon to be followed by kidney failure. He is currently on dialysis for his blood, but more importantly, he has to have a liver transplant. He's only in his mid 30's as well, like me, and now he's supposedly #1 on a liver transplant list. I can barely believe it, as he was just at my house a few weeks ago and I'd say he was healthier than me. And now he lays in a hospital awaiting a liver.
So many questions. Will he make it? How is 'H' holding up? How is this affecting his, and their relationship with God? Possible marriage plans? Life span? Income? Dietary habits?
So I ask that you pray for 'R' and hopefully it is God's will that he pull through and live a productive life.
October 17, 2006
Tough Evening (part II)
It's been over a week since part one of this entry, and for all intents and purposes I'm over it, or we're over it as I am not as emotionally distraught about that night as I was the day following it.
I do know that I was hurt and angry. Hurt in the sense my wife really knew how to push my buttons that night and I was incredulous she blurted out what she did....as if I just sat on my butt all day long. Angry in the sense, I couldn't understand why she couldn't put herself in my shoes and listen to her nag and go 'off' on me. Angry that if I were another type of person, and not have some idea about spirituality or basic human morals, I could have decked her. One of those rare occassions on where in my head that a single hard blow couldn't solve. But of course as I think this, I also think about the police, going to jail, my parents, her parents and so many more ramifications that would not prove beneficial to me. But I'll be honest in saying, sometimes I can 'almost' empathize on why spouses end up hitting their mate....I was brought right up to the edge, just one iota away from knocking her into next week.
I feel somewhat ashamed for writing those last few sentences. But am I truly ashamed at my feelings? Feelings and emotions that are hard to control in the heat of the moment? It's always easy after the fact to look back and realize how foolish and stupid that would have been, but who really thinks when we are emotional or full of rage? That's why there are those defenses I suppose of momentary insanity, where we step out of our grounded mind and we become someone else, even if it's just for a split second. That's all it takes. One split second to lose your cool and hurt someone you love. I imagine there are millions of people who did cross that line for a split second, and are now very, very sorry.
How do we allow our emotions to get the better of us? Especially if we say we believe in God and want to worship and please him and lead a Christ-like life. I don't know.
I do know that Christ said to love your enemies, forgive a person 7 times 70 if they confess and repent, etc., etc..
I forgive my wife, but did she or does she forgive me? That, I can't answer either. My wife has a very hard time saying sorry. It's almost as if that word has been erased from her own vocabulary, and that hurts as well. I admit when I am wrong, and generally when I cool down and realize I was mistaken, I have no problem going to her, or anybody else for that matter and saying that I was wrong and that I am sorry. Sometimes it does paign me, but I generally feel better afterwards.
Anyway, we went to bed and she left the television on loud enough to spite me, loud enough to as where she 'knew' I couldn't sleep. Baiting me to start up again. But I didn't want to talk to her either, I was angry and stubborn, and afraid of round two. So I lay in bed, miserable, not being able to sleep, not giving her the satisfaction of addressing her anymore that evening.
And just like that, the next evening she acted as if it never happened. We went to work that morning not saying anything to each other, and when she got home, she talked to me as if the preceeding incident never happened. That's my wife's idea of saying sorry...pretend it never happened and everything is okay. Man, I loathe that, but I also loathe fighting with her too. I wonder if the Holy Spirit ever convicts her as it does me. I know I feel guilty and not right when we argue, and I hate that feeling.
I do know that I was hurt and angry. Hurt in the sense my wife really knew how to push my buttons that night and I was incredulous she blurted out what she did....as if I just sat on my butt all day long. Angry in the sense, I couldn't understand why she couldn't put herself in my shoes and listen to her nag and go 'off' on me. Angry that if I were another type of person, and not have some idea about spirituality or basic human morals, I could have decked her. One of those rare occassions on where in my head that a single hard blow couldn't solve. But of course as I think this, I also think about the police, going to jail, my parents, her parents and so many more ramifications that would not prove beneficial to me. But I'll be honest in saying, sometimes I can 'almost' empathize on why spouses end up hitting their mate....I was brought right up to the edge, just one iota away from knocking her into next week.
I feel somewhat ashamed for writing those last few sentences. But am I truly ashamed at my feelings? Feelings and emotions that are hard to control in the heat of the moment? It's always easy after the fact to look back and realize how foolish and stupid that would have been, but who really thinks when we are emotional or full of rage? That's why there are those defenses I suppose of momentary insanity, where we step out of our grounded mind and we become someone else, even if it's just for a split second. That's all it takes. One split second to lose your cool and hurt someone you love. I imagine there are millions of people who did cross that line for a split second, and are now very, very sorry.
How do we allow our emotions to get the better of us? Especially if we say we believe in God and want to worship and please him and lead a Christ-like life. I don't know.
I do know that Christ said to love your enemies, forgive a person 7 times 70 if they confess and repent, etc., etc..
I forgive my wife, but did she or does she forgive me? That, I can't answer either. My wife has a very hard time saying sorry. It's almost as if that word has been erased from her own vocabulary, and that hurts as well. I admit when I am wrong, and generally when I cool down and realize I was mistaken, I have no problem going to her, or anybody else for that matter and saying that I was wrong and that I am sorry. Sometimes it does paign me, but I generally feel better afterwards.
Anyway, we went to bed and she left the television on loud enough to spite me, loud enough to as where she 'knew' I couldn't sleep. Baiting me to start up again. But I didn't want to talk to her either, I was angry and stubborn, and afraid of round two. So I lay in bed, miserable, not being able to sleep, not giving her the satisfaction of addressing her anymore that evening.
And just like that, the next evening she acted as if it never happened. We went to work that morning not saying anything to each other, and when she got home, she talked to me as if the preceeding incident never happened. That's my wife's idea of saying sorry...pretend it never happened and everything is okay. Man, I loathe that, but I also loathe fighting with her too. I wonder if the Holy Spirit ever convicts her as it does me. I know I feel guilty and not right when we argue, and I hate that feeling.
October 12, 2006
Death and a new body in Christ
This past weekend, a member of my new church passed away unexpectedly from what may be a heart-attack. He was 46 years old, at work, and in good shape by all accounts, and it was instant.
He leaves behind a wife and two children in their early teens. I know his name, but can't place his face, nor that of his wife or children, yet when I learned of this I was deeply saddened for his widow and kids. I don't even know this man, perhaps he handed me the Sunday bulletin one morning as he was a greeter for the church, and yet I cried and broke into instant prayer for comfort for his family.
Some say he was under a considerable amount of stress. I don't know his history, but more than one person mentioned stress and that he often internalized it. This scares me...literally....as the little I know about him parallels my life quite a bit. Some would say I am in better that average shape. Actually I know I am, and I would be in better shape if I hadn't injured myself and had a few corrective shoulder surgeries this last year.
But I recognize that I am very bad with stress, and I tend to internalize it as well. Sometimes it gets bad enough were I take medication to help calm me down. I've seen a few doctors and with my sleep patterns and slightly elevated blood pressure and some other symptoms I often think, no dwell on stress. I've really been praying as of late to have God help me learn to disengage my stress, to learn how to 'take it easy' without being lazy. Not sure it works. When it gets bad enough, a tightening in the chest or shortness of breath, I pop a pill or have a drink. Not a very glamourous solution, but a quick fix that gets me over the hump until next time.
I often wonder how I am going to die. I know Christ doesn't want us to think that way. He asks (or is it commands) that we are not to worry, that when our time is up, its up, so no use dwelling on it. With my family's history of longevity, I used to think I would live into my eighties or even nineties, but I'm not so sure anymore. Lately I've been thinking I'm a candidate of a stress related heart attack or even cancer that is brought on by stress.
Lately my church has been talking about receiving a new and restored body in heaven and/or paradise. I think about that a lot too. As much as I don't want to die, I sometimes think my life would be easier if I fell asleep and never woke up. Depression will do that to you. I am not strong enough to think about suicide and I even though I am not Catholic, I do think that suicide is an unforgiveable sin. I also feel guilty for thinking that way, because I know compared to many others I live a very lucky life and God has always provided. There are many that have lost everything, maybe their health, a family member, all their savings or something else. But I can't stop shake the occasional thought of not waking up and being in paradise.
I'm pretty lucky as far as my body goes I suppose. There are those with disfigurements, mental and/or physical handicaps that find complete joy in life or joy in God. Myself, I've been blessed with decent looks and a strong body, but some physical abuse in the gym and working out has started to wear it down now. No longer am I the 25 year old who could bench press 350 lbs. In the last ten years I have blew out my right knee (torn meniscus and ACL), torn my right rotator cuff twice that ended up in intensive and painful surgeries, have a bad back (a recent MRI shown two fractures when I was teen I didn't even knwo about) that the doctor said someday I'm a candidate for having pins placed in my lower back.
Now in my mid 30's I ache a lot more. My body is often sore. Especially when it gets colder, my shoulder and back often have a dull ache and I'm only in my 30's. I can imagine what kind of pain I'll be in 20 years or more. I imagine my new body in heaven. I wonder if I will look the same. Can you imagine a body that doesn't age, or gets hurt, or suffers from pain? Forever?
In a way, I'm envious of the man who just recently passed. He already has his new body, and all that depression and stress and pain has been washed away FOREVER. We may be sad here, but he is living paradise in the glory of God today. It makes me cry. I hate being depressed.
He leaves behind a wife and two children in their early teens. I know his name, but can't place his face, nor that of his wife or children, yet when I learned of this I was deeply saddened for his widow and kids. I don't even know this man, perhaps he handed me the Sunday bulletin one morning as he was a greeter for the church, and yet I cried and broke into instant prayer for comfort for his family.
Some say he was under a considerable amount of stress. I don't know his history, but more than one person mentioned stress and that he often internalized it. This scares me...literally....as the little I know about him parallels my life quite a bit. Some would say I am in better that average shape. Actually I know I am, and I would be in better shape if I hadn't injured myself and had a few corrective shoulder surgeries this last year.
But I recognize that I am very bad with stress, and I tend to internalize it as well. Sometimes it gets bad enough were I take medication to help calm me down. I've seen a few doctors and with my sleep patterns and slightly elevated blood pressure and some other symptoms I often think, no dwell on stress. I've really been praying as of late to have God help me learn to disengage my stress, to learn how to 'take it easy' without being lazy. Not sure it works. When it gets bad enough, a tightening in the chest or shortness of breath, I pop a pill or have a drink. Not a very glamourous solution, but a quick fix that gets me over the hump until next time.
I often wonder how I am going to die. I know Christ doesn't want us to think that way. He asks (or is it commands) that we are not to worry, that when our time is up, its up, so no use dwelling on it. With my family's history of longevity, I used to think I would live into my eighties or even nineties, but I'm not so sure anymore. Lately I've been thinking I'm a candidate of a stress related heart attack or even cancer that is brought on by stress.
Lately my church has been talking about receiving a new and restored body in heaven and/or paradise. I think about that a lot too. As much as I don't want to die, I sometimes think my life would be easier if I fell asleep and never woke up. Depression will do that to you. I am not strong enough to think about suicide and I even though I am not Catholic, I do think that suicide is an unforgiveable sin. I also feel guilty for thinking that way, because I know compared to many others I live a very lucky life and God has always provided. There are many that have lost everything, maybe their health, a family member, all their savings or something else. But I can't stop shake the occasional thought of not waking up and being in paradise.
I'm pretty lucky as far as my body goes I suppose. There are those with disfigurements, mental and/or physical handicaps that find complete joy in life or joy in God. Myself, I've been blessed with decent looks and a strong body, but some physical abuse in the gym and working out has started to wear it down now. No longer am I the 25 year old who could bench press 350 lbs. In the last ten years I have blew out my right knee (torn meniscus and ACL), torn my right rotator cuff twice that ended up in intensive and painful surgeries, have a bad back (a recent MRI shown two fractures when I was teen I didn't even knwo about) that the doctor said someday I'm a candidate for having pins placed in my lower back.
Now in my mid 30's I ache a lot more. My body is often sore. Especially when it gets colder, my shoulder and back often have a dull ache and I'm only in my 30's. I can imagine what kind of pain I'll be in 20 years or more. I imagine my new body in heaven. I wonder if I will look the same. Can you imagine a body that doesn't age, or gets hurt, or suffers from pain? Forever?
In a way, I'm envious of the man who just recently passed. He already has his new body, and all that depression and stress and pain has been washed away FOREVER. We may be sad here, but he is living paradise in the glory of God today. It makes me cry. I hate being depressed.
October 09, 2006
End Times dream
I know I am skipping the conclusion of my previous post, but I had a very disturbing dream last night that I am not sure what to make of.
A few things first about me and dreams:
- I usually dream in color.
- Sometimes I can even recall smells and tastes.
- I dream pretty often, or at least I remember them more than most people do.
- I tend to fight insomnia in my life and have tried everything from melatonin, white noise, perscription Ambien, praying, natural herbal drinks and extracts, black-out blinds, alcohol on occasion, Tylenol PM, and Simply Sleep. Not all at once of course, I'd be dead. They work with varying degrees of success and failures.
- I have very violent dreams many times. Usually involving injury, death, or killings. I have dreamt of being stabbed, being shot, falling, crashing in a plane, crashing in a car, bleeding out. Not all of my dreams are of this nature, but I can remember very few 'pleasant' dreams.
Lately I have been suffering under a lot of stress. Even though I wish to release my stress and worries over to Christ, I think I often take them back under control. I pray that I learn to release my fears and my anxieties, but that is easier said than done. The last time I went in for a physical, the doctor said my blood pressure is a little elevated at times. I know I suffer from stress, much of it self-induced, but that's another topic for another day.
Recently my church has been preaching about Joseph from the book of Genesis. It appears that Joseph had the gift of interpretation of dreams from God, and always gave God credit in this area. In Pharoah's court he accurately interpreted dreams regarding two of Pharoah's esteemed servants and also the state of the Egyptian empire and gained favor in God's (and the Pharoah's) eyes.
I personally don't have this gift, though I have often wondered if God did give me the gift of discernment. I'm usually pretty accurate on my reading of people and situations, sorta like a sixth sense or intuition about things if they are a blessing or not, but it could also just be coincidence or luck.
Last night I had a dream about 'The' Rapture, you know.....the one were all believers are instantly whisked off to heaven and the non-believers are left-behind to endure the 7 year tribulation. Yeah, I never ever had that dream before or anything similar to it in my life. Yet last night I dreamt in very vivid detail what happened, and I was one of those 'left behind', very distraught because it seemed like I was the only one who knew what had just happened, and yet I was not taken away.
I was walking down a street of some metropolis and I recall others around me going about their business. In my head I heard a narration, it sounded like me talking to myself and commenting silently on the events as they transpired. I sensed something was about to happen and I felt a sense of dread, not neccesarily fear. The sky took on a life of its own, suddenly getting brighter and brighter, almost as if a nuclear blast went of an illuminated and engulfed everything around me in an ever expanding wave, and just as suddenly contracted to darkness.
In my mind and my heart, I had known I just experienced The Rapture, that God took all his children right then and there, but I was still standing, and it was dark. It was dark in the way as if the sun and the moon and the stars had all just dissapeared or been shut off and they were not comming back.
I then realized that there were people around me, the sames ones on the street that were previously going about their business. I heard them talking to one another, wondering what just happened. I recall people not knowing what to do either, perhaps just lay down where they were until this passed, to save themselves from any further and unseen danger.
I remember someone stating that water should be a priority, and that we should band together and move about looking for somewhere safe to huddle about. I know many of used opened our cell phones for a source of light as we walked together, the whole time in my head knowing that mankind as we knew it only had 7 years left and it was going to get much worse and our chances for survival were slim, and I again I wondered why God did not take me.
A jeep approached from the distance, and again I noted that the headlights were more or less the only source of light other than our cell phones, and I wondered how much longer they would last before we were in perpetual darkness.
I woke up shortly thereafter and have been pondering all day what had triggered such a dream. What does it mean? Does it even have meaning? Was it my own mind playing tricks on me, or was God trying to get my attention about something else?
Not sure.
While the dream itself was an experience, it is not one I wish to repeat anytime soon.
A few things first about me and dreams:
- I usually dream in color.
- Sometimes I can even recall smells and tastes.
- I dream pretty often, or at least I remember them more than most people do.
- I tend to fight insomnia in my life and have tried everything from melatonin, white noise, perscription Ambien, praying, natural herbal drinks and extracts, black-out blinds, alcohol on occasion, Tylenol PM, and Simply Sleep. Not all at once of course, I'd be dead. They work with varying degrees of success and failures.
- I have very violent dreams many times. Usually involving injury, death, or killings. I have dreamt of being stabbed, being shot, falling, crashing in a plane, crashing in a car, bleeding out. Not all of my dreams are of this nature, but I can remember very few 'pleasant' dreams.
Lately I have been suffering under a lot of stress. Even though I wish to release my stress and worries over to Christ, I think I often take them back under control. I pray that I learn to release my fears and my anxieties, but that is easier said than done. The last time I went in for a physical, the doctor said my blood pressure is a little elevated at times. I know I suffer from stress, much of it self-induced, but that's another topic for another day.
Recently my church has been preaching about Joseph from the book of Genesis. It appears that Joseph had the gift of interpretation of dreams from God, and always gave God credit in this area. In Pharoah's court he accurately interpreted dreams regarding two of Pharoah's esteemed servants and also the state of the Egyptian empire and gained favor in God's (and the Pharoah's) eyes.
I personally don't have this gift, though I have often wondered if God did give me the gift of discernment. I'm usually pretty accurate on my reading of people and situations, sorta like a sixth sense or intuition about things if they are a blessing or not, but it could also just be coincidence or luck.
Last night I had a dream about 'The' Rapture, you know.....the one were all believers are instantly whisked off to heaven and the non-believers are left-behind to endure the 7 year tribulation. Yeah, I never ever had that dream before or anything similar to it in my life. Yet last night I dreamt in very vivid detail what happened, and I was one of those 'left behind', very distraught because it seemed like I was the only one who knew what had just happened, and yet I was not taken away.
I was walking down a street of some metropolis and I recall others around me going about their business. In my head I heard a narration, it sounded like me talking to myself and commenting silently on the events as they transpired. I sensed something was about to happen and I felt a sense of dread, not neccesarily fear. The sky took on a life of its own, suddenly getting brighter and brighter, almost as if a nuclear blast went of an illuminated and engulfed everything around me in an ever expanding wave, and just as suddenly contracted to darkness.
In my mind and my heart, I had known I just experienced The Rapture, that God took all his children right then and there, but I was still standing, and it was dark. It was dark in the way as if the sun and the moon and the stars had all just dissapeared or been shut off and they were not comming back.
I then realized that there were people around me, the sames ones on the street that were previously going about their business. I heard them talking to one another, wondering what just happened. I recall people not knowing what to do either, perhaps just lay down where they were until this passed, to save themselves from any further and unseen danger.
I remember someone stating that water should be a priority, and that we should band together and move about looking for somewhere safe to huddle about. I know many of used opened our cell phones for a source of light as we walked together, the whole time in my head knowing that mankind as we knew it only had 7 years left and it was going to get much worse and our chances for survival were slim, and I again I wondered why God did not take me.
A jeep approached from the distance, and again I noted that the headlights were more or less the only source of light other than our cell phones, and I wondered how much longer they would last before we were in perpetual darkness.
I woke up shortly thereafter and have been pondering all day what had triggered such a dream. What does it mean? Does it even have meaning? Was it my own mind playing tricks on me, or was God trying to get my attention about something else?
Not sure.
While the dream itself was an experience, it is not one I wish to repeat anytime soon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)