Unforeseen nervousness.

"Cast your burdens upon Me and I will care for you." (Psalms 55:22)

That seems to be a recurring theme that keeps popping up in my studies, casual conversations, or just my plain 'ole mind the last few weeks.

I guess it is somewhat apropos in the sense that this seems to be my largest personal stumbling block.

Yesterday, I did not have a great day, and I may have worked myself up into a tizzy for nothing. Perhaps only as yet another test from God and how I would react and handle myself. Needless to say I do not believe I fared so well given limited information.

A coworker of mine, whom I trust completely, shared with me what I perceived as a troubling email in which I was the subject. It seems that my supervisor whom I have almost zero contact with on a weekly basis inquired to my friend and another coworker on what my strengths and weaknesses were. Basically that was the whole message and wanted them to respond on how they felt about my recent performances I suppose.

Only the Lord knows how hard I work, and the week prior to Christmas I was slammed covering for others who were out of of the office. My workload was double for the week, and as these things go, many of these issues seemed to have garnered high visibility.

I think for the most part I handled myself and most of the issues fairly well. All things considered, I had very little if any help on these issues. So I do believe one or two matters were unsolved,....not for a lack of trying....but more due to the fact I had zero support, no one on the other end, or they were geographically unattainable. Most likely these were viewed as negative marks against me. Doesn't matter that I solved many more in a timely and professional manner. I could have done 20 things correctly and speedily, but it is that one that will stick out like a sore thumb.

To make matters worse, though my one coworker is very fair and stands up for me, the other is a master of deflecting issues and blaming others. No doubt in my mind that this other person probably pointed out in an exaggerated manner my shortcomings, all while forgetting to mention my load was double and I had no support.

I was very troubled by all this yesterday, even though the supervisor has yet to speak with me, or mention why he seeking out information from others my strengths and weaknesses. Does he feel I am not pulling my weight? Does he have a one-sided impression about me? Why hasn't he spoken with me yet if he has some concerns so we could talk about it?

I do not know these things, or even if this whole episode is a negative mark heading my direction. The point is, I took it that way and allowed it to ruin the rest of my day. I immediately got defensive (and still am as I write this) and my mood turned sour. It nagged at my mind all evening long and I asked God numerous times to allow me to 'let it go', for I cannot do anything or address what I do not know.

I prayed numerous times about this yesterday, and last night, and again this morning. The worst case scenario, and this is my biggest fault, is that this is some way to set me up to fire me, though unlikely, still possible. Why is it my mind always goes to the worst possible place when faced with these tid-bits I have no control over?

It is because I still live in fear.

I fear how people perceive me. I fear that people have the wrong impression of me because of others who would like to see me fail. I fear because the Enemy knows I dwell on my own self-doubts and this is a continuous way to attack me. I fear that no matter how hard I try, people are only concerned when I stumble or make an innocent mistake. I fear that life is indeed 'unfair'.

When I got home last night, I had a drink. Actually three over the course of the evening and went to bed fairly early. Why? Because I was bummed out and I wanted the day to be over. And here I am now, still worrying about this where I had to write this entry, and having to re-read the scripture: Cast your burdens upon Me and I will care for you.

Let it Go

"But if my total dependance is on the Lord, I have the freedom to release the burden. The promise is that He will daily bear it. We are to cast all our burdens on Him, because He cares for us (1 Peter 5:7)"

Once again, in my logical sense I believe this statement to be true, however, my heart and emotions that I succumb to wish to fight this statement.

Because I fight this on an emotional level, two things stare me in the face: 1) I have not released my burdens 100%, 2) I do not have total dependance on the Lord. Ergo, if I do not have total dependance on the Lord, then my faith is not pure. I am allowing my mind and the enemy to cast doubt within my heart.

And since I have not released my burdens 100%, then I cannot be truly free and happy. I will continously be plagued by self-doubt, fear of the unknown, lack of trust, endlessly searching for joy.

Man, that sucks.

I just read that last statement of mine again and feel hopelessness to endure self-imposed misery. I really have to get over this stuff. But I feel I am running out of prayers to pray. Almost like a catch-22. The more I pray about it, the more I think about, and the more I recognize my shortcomings. If I don't acknowledge the pain and do something about it, it'll get worse anyway. Seems like a no-win situation, unless I do indeed give over all control to God, which got me here in the first place.

~~~~~~

It's Christmas in three days and I still feel indifferent. The only excitement I feel right now is that I will have an extra day or two off from work, and I will get some yummy food, but other than that, I am missing out on remembered feelings of Christmas past.

I don't have much more to say on this.

Depression - Medicated (part 5)

The first time I took the pills, I wasn't sure what to expect. I was started off on 5mg of Lexapro and was told it may take a few days and a full two weeks to get the medication saturated in my system.

I felt as if I needed help now, not 2 weeks from now.

I swallowed my first pill and waited for the results. I really didn't feel anything at all. 1 hr....2hrs....3hrs...1 day. Nothing. The shortness of breath was bugging me though, and I knew that was seperate, yet related to the depression. Panic attack? Smothering? Don't know and don't care, I just know I was in pain. Not the type of pain like getting pinched or breaking an arm. Not really a headache either. More like an imaginary rubberband just under my sternum getting tighter and tigheter and tighter. I wanted to take deep breaths, yet they did not work.

So I took the Clonzapen. 1mg I believe. This I did notice. Within 20 minutes or so, I was a little light headed. Almost like being buzzed on alcohol without the hangover. It was a surreal feeling. A weird dichotomy of being sober and lucid at the same time. Being alert, yet emotions and feelings and thoughts lightly floating about my skull. The chest pain subsided.

I took two of these a day for a few days....yearning to feel relaxed...to be somewhat numb. My motivation was to rid my pain and to unfocus my irrational thoughts. By the time two weeks rolled around, I can honestly say I don't think I felt much one way or another. I remember that the negatives feelings were indeed disapating, and yet so were the positive feelings as well. Even though I was still me, I wasn't. I became a walking mortal shell....a clone of my fomer self.

It's when I would forget to take the meds on occassion my moods would swing. Missing one day required that I be on track again for at least 4 more days straight before I evened out again. During my moments of cohesiveness, I was (and still am) ashamed and embarrassed that I was regulated to drugs and fought it. "I can get through this without the pills', I told myself. Well, I did carry on...just not very successfully. One day things were good, the next seemed to to plummet. I was very sensative to my surroundings and what people thought of me, especially my parents. At first I didn't tell them. It was months before my parents discovered my orange RX canisters about my house and inquired what was wrong. Already 'outed' by my clumsiness, I told my parents about my depression.

Surprisingly my father was more understanding than I ever would have gave him credit for, and my mother, who thought would support me from the outset, had the exact opposite reaction. She told me I didn't need the drugs, that I would be worse off in the end. Instead of the support and warmth I would have liked from my mother, I felt belittled and chastised and inferior and lectured. Like I had dissapointed her. As if I wanted to be caught. As if I wanted to wake up everyday swallowing a pill and not understanding why or when this all started. I began to doubt my own credibilty in the manner....Do I really need these pills? Is it all a farce?

For the next few weeks I placated my mother and her constant badgering about the pills, always wanting to redirect the conversation elsewhere. I was already struggling with it myself and already concerend what my wife and father were saying and thinking with out my mother chiming in every other day.

to be continued....

My eyes burn....

....from all the crying last night.

And again this morning when I woke up.

And yet again an hour ago as I was on the phone with a behavioral counseler and had to answer the question: "Do you feel like you want to hurt yourself? Are you having suicidal thoughts?"

In which I replied: "No.....I just do not want to wake up."

And now I think about that answer, at that moment it seemed right. It was the truth for that instant in time. Now I wonder whey I said that. I'm too afraid to hurt myself anyway, and I do not wish to cut this life short. I mean it is the only brief stopping point in my mortal shell before I can be free...forever.

Do I hate life? No. No I don't. However, my daily existance right now really sucks. I am being truthful though that I hope I do go to heaven; that my faith in Jesus is strong enough to warrant my name written in the Book of Life. How I long to be free of the the mental strain. I do not like to cry. I do not like to feel sorry for myself. I do not like this feeling of emptiness and sadness and depression and guilt and worry. It makes me tired. But sleep is restless, and even a few hours in slumber is only a minor commercial break until the drama starts all over again.

I called in a perscription today for my Lexapro. I'm currently out. I want a drink too right now as well. I also want to run away. Visions of sitting in an open summer field, sipping on lemonade, breathing in the temperate air, listening to the sounds of nature....closing me eyes and wondering.....'What if? Yes, What if I made other decisions? What does make me happy?'

My spouse and I argued last night. Well, I guess arguing means that two people banter back and forth disagreeing on a common subject. That really was not the case. It was more of me sitting down and listening to how I have changed this last year. How I was the one who is selfish, how I was the one who turned into a recluse. How I have gone 'crazy, nuts, sick and no longer any fun'. Why our friends don't call anymore is because I am a downer. I am told it was my parents and the way they raised me, I was told I over-analyze, I was told I was better when I was a stupid drunk, I was told I cannot let go of the past. I was told I was broken in the head. I was told much, much more.

And I sat, and I listened. I tried to object or get a word in on occasion, but the sarcasm directed back hurt more than any slap in the face or any broken bone I have ever had.

I sat an endured....not by choice. Raising my voice or getting violent would have just made things worse, not that could get much worse in my book anyway. Well, I guess the slightly overt threat of leaving me did make it worse.

I silently prayed. The whole time I listened on how I was the cause of everything wrong in our marriage right now, both intimately and socially, I prayed to Jesus to give me strength. Strength to love my wife, to hear what she said and let the bitterness inside of me drip away, and also the bitterness in her be softened. I never want to hurt her.

Funny really....I am told I do not open up, but when I do, I am quickly beat down on how wrong I am. Makes me even want to build my walls even higher, my skin thicker, but deep down inside it hurts. It kills. It wrenches my heart and my mind and I have to wonder where my Christ is right now. Why does He allow me to face such emotional hardships? Where have I failed Him? Where has my faith faltered? Why does the enemy keep getting a hold of me and push my buttons in the guise of my loved ones....the ones I look towards for support?

I'm going home in a few hours. I don't know what to expect. I'm afraid. I walk on egg shells. I pray and I pray and I pray, yet I feel like I'm sinking further and further into the abyss.

Yes my eyes burn and are red. Today is just another day. Another day lost just like the day before. Christmas is in 11 days from now and I don't even care. To me, I am not sure what happiness is there. Does my wife really appreciate the gifts I get her, or does she feel its just obligatory on my behalf. The gifts she gives me....Are they from her heart and soul, or just her obligation and not predicated on love.

I am stopping right now because my thoughts are becomming more and more incoherent. A jumble of random musings and knee-jerk emotions that I cannot seem to focus on.

Musings on doing nothing.

"People change. Priorities shift. You're in charge now. People are counting on you. You have to live up to their expectations."

"Do I? You have no idea how tempted I am just to bolt."

"Why don't you?"

"Because...I can't.....decide....to do it. I see all the options...I want to do all the options....And so I do nothing. Like an object at rest staying at rest."

I was going to write something completely diffrent today, and when I was at lunch I came across this little blurb of dialogue. Instantly it stopped me in my mental tracks. This is exactly how I feel at times.....the strong desire just to bolt....to leave. To disapear into obscurity and re-invent myself somewhere else....in an easier setting. Knowing that no one has to count on me anylonger or live up to both said and unsaid expectations...including my own.

Like the responder above....I too see all the options, but somehow I seems paralyzed to act on any of them. I would like to do everything as well, hoping that one or more decisions may prove fruitful for me deep down inside, but I know this cannot be true. Action is met with reaction. Ying and Yang. The universe tries to balance out all things. To be happy, perhaps I may make some decisions that lead to more unhappiness, and thus.....I too do nothing. Don't want to rock the boat anymore than my psyche can take it.

Another 24 hours have passed.

One more day I shall never relive, to be forgotten in the sands of time.

One day closer to death that is already written.

Eternal peace is 24 hours closer that it was yesterday.