A Bridge to Nowhere

It's been a rough day.

Hence my double post today.  I've read my devotionals, said my prayers, understand logically in my head that nothing that occured last night is my fault nor do I have control over the things I cannot control (a lesson from both Al-Anon & Celebrate).

But that hasn't stopped the hurt.

Or the anger and frustration.  I am so G.D. sensitive it makes me sick.

It's been a while since I took a Xanax, and I feel the need to have two today.  I also sat at work today thinking how nice it would be to have some whisky on the rocks.  I'm secretly thankful I don't actually have any at home, lest this could have possibly been an ugly night.  I'm still contemplating stopping by the store on the way home, but probably won't. 

I feel like I took a giant step back today in the battle of codependancy.  I found myself fighting back tears multiple times throughout the day.  Then I found myself getting mad.  And finally I started feeling sorry for myself, and once again lonely.

Yeah, I know it's only been two months since she walked out, and in the big scheme of things two months may not seem that long, but it does to me.

My divorced friend called me this afternoon and I was able to sneak away for a while and just listen as she explained in more detail what went down last night.  While her ex-husband still insists she moves out in 3-4 weeks from now, I don't feel as bad as she said it was inevitable anyways, and he shortened their original agreement by about a month.  If I am to understand correctly, he had originally said she could stay through the end of July, but as of yesterday has now moved it up until towards the end of June, putting a crimp in her money savings.  But she is still determined to move backcome hell or high water after the first of the year. 

I only feel mildly better.  But she still thanks me for my support and said our friendship hasn't wavered, but until she actually moves out and gets her own independance she has to play things close to her vest.  I understand that.  At least her divorce is final, whereas mine hasn't even started yet (fingers crossed) until the timer starts next Monday.

We spoke for about an hour on the phone.  She made a comment today to me however, that has me scratching my head, but I didn't want to press any further.  Too much happened yesterday to even want to try and pry and glean any hidden message diguised between the lines.  It's way too soon and too premature.  She mentioned that our timing is off...and I agree.  She says she has to gain her independance, get established, and didn't want me to be distracted by her issues as I have issues of my own.  Basically she danced all around without saying it exactly, and being uber-cautious, that if and when she moves out, AND when my divorce is final the future is open to any possibility.

Upon reflection I know she is just protecting herself (and me) and I respect that, which makes me like her even more.  Not good for a codependant like myself, but at least I recognize it this time around.

While the base nature of myself would like to consider that there is a minute possibility, there are so many hurdles and obstacles in our respective paths right now, even considering time as factor, it just doesn't seem feasible.  Not now.  Not ever.  And I garner to think the same thoughts crossed her mind as well.  We are the quinessentail victims of circumstances, time, and distance.  

That's where the title of this post comes in.  I feel like there is a bridge between our two worlds right now, but neither one of us has the means to cross it right now. It's like we can see each other on either end, but the best we can do is wave at each other.  F'n sucks ass.

Sad.

My wife hasn't tried to contact me at all today.  It usually drives her up the wall like it did last night when she gets no response from me, so I'm surprised that she hasn't even attempted today, unless the assault will start again sometime tonight.

I really don't want to be at work today.  Just like I didn't want to work yesterday, nor am I in the mood to tomorrow either, but I must plug on.  I need to really sit down this weekend and get involved in some social clubs or take a harder look at the MeetUp groups I joined and take a chance.  Make new friends, meet more people.

As much as I like my church support, they are a bit vanilla and male dominated for my overall liking.  It's been 3 months since I've been intimate.  Maybe that's why I was so depressed and feeling so lonely this morning.  Maybe that's why I am over-thinking and picking apart what my divorced friend has to say.  I don't want to be like some of my piggish friends.  It's disgusting and not me, and not a substitute for a meaningful relationship.....but my flesh has its desires and I can only take so many cold showers or think about baseball so many times.