3 weeks ago my wife came home and boldly claimed "That's it...Screw my job....They don't pay me for all this overtime I put in so I'm not doing it anymore and I'm gonna start coming home at 6pm and we'll walk the dog together."
I sat there for a minute not knowing how to react. It sounded good, but my wife always seems to make certain proclomations from time to time, yet they never seem to be executed.
As usual, I always delude myself into possibly believeing that she actually means it this time, only to be let down in either a few days or a few weeks. Why should this time be any different?
Because I'm a sucker and always like to give people the benefit of the doubt.
Like I said.....I'm an idiot and a sucker.
The first few days it seemed okay. She was home by 6pm, give or take a few minutes, and we indeed walked the dog.
That was the first three days.
By day four she came home at 7pm and then said it was too hot for her to walk the dog, but I did anyway. The next day although she did come home a bit earlier, again it was apparantly to hot for us to walk the dog, but I went ahead and walked him anyway....by myself...again.
The following week disentigrated even further. We didn't walk the dog at all together, and her time coming home was again closer to 7pm. There was even one night she went to talk to the neighbor who is going through a rough patch with her husband and was over there for an additional hour.
Well, this week her schedule was as such: Monday night - bowling (double length), Tuesday night- later evening at work to catch up, Wed. night - visit the neighbor again, Thursday - a co-worker had a personal crisis (home at 8:15), Tomorrow is girls night out, and I just received an e-mail she is going to be at a co-workers birthday tonight and be home between 9-10 (my guess it'll be later...because every time my wife puts a time stamp on herself, I've learned its 'never' the time she first indicates) she said she told me 2 weeks ago. I don't remember her telling me, but I can't be sure.
So this week, we're back to sqaure one (it lasted all but 1 week) and I called her out on it: "What happened to this speech you gave me 3 weeks ago about 6pm and walking the dog, etc?" I thought I was being nice and said I'm a little confused between what was said and what is happening, and was honest in saying I feel I'm playing second fiddle to her friends, and I'm a little envious of her time she can devote to them, but not me.
Why do I set myself up for these things? You'd think I'd learn by now with almost 5 years under my belt. Keep my mouth shut.
No, instead I received a pretty snide and aggressive email stating "I didn't know we set an exact time on walking the dog." -And- "You're always playing Xbox or watching TV anyway way I come home." -And the kicker- "You're not the same fun person I married 5 years ago. You're a hermit and I don't want to be. I want to talk with friends instead of playing video games."
Arrgghhhh....See the circle here? Now it's my fault. If I understand this correctly, she hangs out with her friends and comes home late because I play video games too much or watching TV. Not because her statement of coming home at 6pm really means any random time between 6:30 and 9pm and I'm supposed to guess what time it is today, so instead....because I'm waiting around for someone who comes and goes at their own scheduling, I turn on a video game. I'll have you know, I've only turned on my X-Box once this whole week, and my Wii twice (I was actually exercising on my Wii Fit and not playing a came at all).
"I come home and your stuck in front of C.o.H or the TV."
Really? Funny, since I haven't played C.o.H. in over 8 months, and I'm watching TV after I walk the dog by myself to relax because YOU'RE NOT HOME YET. Should I be paininting the house? Twiddling my thumbs aimlessly? Pulling non-existant weeds? Something else to fill my alone time when YOU'RE NOT HERE!?! Please tell me, what should I be doing as to placate you since I have NO CLUE when you are coming home that is safe for me to avoid your wrath? Take up smoking? Drink more?
"You're turning into a hermit."
Why? Because I don't want to be a part of the neighborhood gossip clutch? Because I don't feel the need to have a drink everytime they get together and talk about the same mundane thing for the thousandth time in a row? Because I can predict exactly who will say what and when, and the topics are limited to the same 3 inane subjects?
This all sounds so bad after what my neighbors are currently going through, but I swear, its moments like this one right now I can understand why it looks easy to walk away from it all.
Don't be surprised if I don't have drink tonight.
August 29, 2008
August 25, 2008
Guilt or no guilt?
Yesterday, Sunday, I had all intentions of going to church. I got up early, had coffee, cleaned up, looked at the clock...and looked again....and waited...and looked again every few minutes.
Church begins at 9:30 and I never feel too bad for missing the first song. To be honest, I just can't ever seem to get into the 'worship' portion of our service which generally includes 4 songs. I feel bad for saying this, but I find them so lyrically repetitive and, um, 'corny' at times. It doesn't help that our band only seems to have a repetoire of what seems like 12 songs total, so in any given month, you may hear the same ones a few times. I generally just like the actual message or sermon to be quite frank.
By 9:45 I was of course late, and just seemed to look for an excuse not to go at this point, and I can't tell you why. So when my wife asked me to goes to Lowe's right then, I said 'Okay', and blew off church.
By 11am (which is the time our service normally ends), I was experiencing on-again, off-again feelings of guilt for not going. Part of me felt ashamed one minute for not spending an hour and a half with God, and then the next minute I was feeling okay. The best line I can think of (and it sounds like a lame excuse, I know...) is that I was burnt out yesterday. Sure, it's a selfish reason and doesn't make much sense to anyone other than the justification within my own head, but I guess I just didn't feel like going afterall. And I don't know why.
But here we are on Monday, and I still feel little stabs of guilt. Perhaps I am trying to hide from some sort of self-conviction. Maybe. With the whole neighbor sitation going on right now and some other stuff, I admit my thought process has been a little bleak and jaded.
In a strange moment of past reflection, it's almost as if I wish I were alone again. No contact from anyone...not because I feel depressed right now....it's liek I just need some quiet time to recharge my batteries. It was even a mental struggle this morning wanting to go to work. I'm actually fantasizing about just sitting home and reading a book in the backyard, playing hooky, and drinking some fresh ice-tea and breathing in the last of the warm summer air.
Do you guys ever feel that way? Not just about being burnt out from church, but maybe something bigger overall....like isolating yourself from the chaos and commotion of a busy lifestyle?
Church begins at 9:30 and I never feel too bad for missing the first song. To be honest, I just can't ever seem to get into the 'worship' portion of our service which generally includes 4 songs. I feel bad for saying this, but I find them so lyrically repetitive and, um, 'corny' at times. It doesn't help that our band only seems to have a repetoire of what seems like 12 songs total, so in any given month, you may hear the same ones a few times. I generally just like the actual message or sermon to be quite frank.
By 9:45 I was of course late, and just seemed to look for an excuse not to go at this point, and I can't tell you why. So when my wife asked me to goes to Lowe's right then, I said 'Okay', and blew off church.
By 11am (which is the time our service normally ends), I was experiencing on-again, off-again feelings of guilt for not going. Part of me felt ashamed one minute for not spending an hour and a half with God, and then the next minute I was feeling okay. The best line I can think of (and it sounds like a lame excuse, I know...) is that I was burnt out yesterday. Sure, it's a selfish reason and doesn't make much sense to anyone other than the justification within my own head, but I guess I just didn't feel like going afterall. And I don't know why.
But here we are on Monday, and I still feel little stabs of guilt. Perhaps I am trying to hide from some sort of self-conviction. Maybe. With the whole neighbor sitation going on right now and some other stuff, I admit my thought process has been a little bleak and jaded.
In a strange moment of past reflection, it's almost as if I wish I were alone again. No contact from anyone...not because I feel depressed right now....it's liek I just need some quiet time to recharge my batteries. It was even a mental struggle this morning wanting to go to work. I'm actually fantasizing about just sitting home and reading a book in the backyard, playing hooky, and drinking some fresh ice-tea and breathing in the last of the warm summer air.
Do you guys ever feel that way? Not just about being burnt out from church, but maybe something bigger overall....like isolating yourself from the chaos and commotion of a busy lifestyle?
August 21, 2008
Keeping up with the Jonses'
"Tell those who are rich in this world not to be proud and not to trust in their money, which will soon be gone. But their trust should be in the living God, who richly gives us all we need for our enjoyment" (1 Timothy 6: 17-18)
In somewhat of an interlude to the recent Marriage Woes entries, this topic sprung into my mind based upon a cliche that I've heard quite a few times from the neighbors over the last few days in reference to perhaps one of the causes to the husband's recent behavior.
While I think people are using this cliche a little too liberally here, I can't say it doesn't hold some merit. Just not the amount of merit everyone else is putting stock into right now.
The young couple in crisis right now (actually only 6 years younger than my wife and I) perhaps weren't prepared for what they took on a few years ago when they moved into the neighborhood. It was a time when the mortgage industry was sewing the seeds that would ultimately turn into the housing industry debacle we all have been experiencing this last year. Home prices shot up dramatically making it very hard for first time owners to be a responsible party in the owner/bank equation. Lenders circumvented this by offering insane deals that didn't make sense to anyone (including me) and thus the introductions of these ARM statements.
Fast forward a few years where the economy turns stagnant, ARMs re-adjust, gas prices shoot up, and the dollar falls. They say that foreclosures are at an all time high, and people are really holding on to their jobs. In the area in which we live, staying unemployed for too long spells trouble.
I think financial woes may have gotten to my neighbor. They may have bitten more off than they could chew, and it didn't help that he lost his job and had to eventually take something he didn't care for as much that paid less. That's how I felt when I lost my job. The $900 from the gov't every two weeks doesn't come close to the salary I was making, but fortunately I was always pretty good with money and saved up for a rainy day (my wife never understood why I was miserly at times early on...and during my loss of employment, I think she changed her tune when she saw I had much saved up). But I did have my doubts and concerns and worries just like everyone else. I may have been a little too pessimistic though...I was always talking about the rainy day, obsessed it would be coming one day, thus I never learned how to relax and enjoy a lot of simple things in life.
My neighbor, however, (at least in some of our casual conversations in the past) would tell me about all the great things his friends had, all the toys his brother had, the track homes in upscale areas his buddies now owned....and he always seemed to compare them to himself. He is college educated, married, just turned 31 years of age.....and has quite a few setbacks the last few years. On the surface I think he thinks that how did all his friends move ahead and 'appear' to be happier and he and his wife continue to struggle to make ends meet. He liked the idea and the appearance he was on par with everyone else. It just wasn't the case, and I really suspect his friends are all about appearances too (secretly in debt, living beyond their means....any day the floor just about to drop from under them).
I know the feeling. My wife and I argue about finances. That's been our main bone of contention in our own marriage. We've had some doozies on how to spend or not to spend money and what our responsibilities are to ourselves and each other in that realm.. I constantly think about retirement and social security, and the way we save and spend money, and I don't think I can retire anytime soon.
I finally admit to myself, I'm nowhere near where I thought I would be in this phase of my life. When I was 22-23 and just about to graduate college (1993) I thought "Who wouldn't want to hire me?". I mean I was a Business Management graduate with a double minor in computer information systems and marketing. I was also pretty much an A/B student. I'm sharp and a quick learner. I thought it was only a matter of months, maybe weeks, before I had a nice job that afforded me an office and a leather brief case (I probably watched too much Dallas back in the day and I wanted to emulate the lifestyle of JR Ewing).
In my head I envisioned that in about 5 years I would be driving a Mercedes Benz, I would have a nice house, and most likely engaged. In 10 years I would be well onto raising my 2 kids, and my wife would be a stay at home mom and once a year we'd go on a fabulous vacation.
In reality I got married after 10 years and started our life together in a condo, and now an attached house. I have a step-daughter who doesn't treat me as a father figure at all, someone who still just dates her mom, a wife who can't comprehend simple financial matters nor can seem to get pregnant any longer or even wants children at this point. We have yet to take a honeymoon in 5 years, and it seems to be a major decision right now if we can afford to buy all new shutters or blinds, or do we get a new front door or stove? I never got my Mercedes either...I drove my last car for 11 years and it leaked all the time, but I couldn't buy a new car when I was unemployed.
So yeah, things didn't work out the way I planned. At one point it really depressed me, and occasionally when others tell me how great their trip to Italy was, or how they just bought a Jet Ski and will be going to the lake this weekend, or how they just had the whole kitchen remodeled in granite and stainless steel, I admit a tinge of jealousy. But it could be worse.
I think that's what my neighbor is going through as well. I remember once he saw my 42" plasma TV a few years back.....he had to have one too. When his brother got a Lexus, he had to get an Infinity himself. When they saw other neighbors affording gardeners, they got one too. And perhaps the lifestyle caught up with them. Keeping up with the Jones' and the unsaid competition with family and friends led to some unsavory financial burdens and stress. I don't think they have attained where they would like to be in life (I sure didn't), and thus haven't found happiness or contentment.....juss mounting bills and headaches.
Fortunately I never got that far, but I do know the feeling and desires. Today, I don't make the money I made 3 years ago, but I am starting to learn how to appreciate what I have much more. I don't shop at Nordstroms or Saks any longer. I get nice $10 t-shirts and $30 tennis shoes at Kohl's. I don't put premium gas in my car any longer. I still have a VCR and not a Blu-Ray player. I buy my video games months after they come out, because that's when the price tends to drop. We cook more at home and have leftovers we take to work instead of $15-20 a plate dinners. I get my hair cut at Supercuts now. We still haven't take a vacation in a far away country, but this year I do plan on perhaps driving somewhere for a week.
I have learned the hard way about certain sacrifices, and yeah I may be disappointed on occasion, but I do spend more time with friends now, my dog, and learn to make do with what I have. I come to realize that I'll never have the lifestyle of the Ewings, but I do know with God in my heart, I have other riches that await me in the next life that I'll never experience here. I may not exactly like everything in my life right now, but I have come to the realization that God provides everything I need right now.....something the Jones' don't.
August 20, 2008
Marriage Woes (Part III)
It's Sunday and it just so happens that another couple on our street was planning to celebrate their own 17th wedding anniversary that evening but it was a very odd feeling and topic to discuss openly knowing that our other neighbors are going through crisis.
I went to church by myself, as I always do (I think I've stated before that my wife is also a believer...but unfortunately more of a cultural christian in her walk right now...something I continue to pray about), and felt very convicted to finally say something to my neighbor.
There are two reasons I want to talk to her: 1) I've kept my mouth shut up to this point as I digest and gather more information as to not jump to a conclusion, and yet I am very concerned (as I told A Wandering Mind) with the amount of 'secular' advice I've been hearing. I cringe internally when everything I have heard so far is not about bridging a gap and healing, but more what is 'his' problem, 'how could he do this', 'what are you going to do with the house'. Very premature statements I think and not the way I would initiate dialogue with either of them. 2) Since he has moved out, he has had no contact with any of us. My wife did get a text message from him, but it was short and did not reveal where he was at or if he is willing to talk.
If and when the time comes and I do see him, I will speak with him....but not about marriage or God right off the bat. I do want to talk to him about depression, and let him know that even if I don't know the exact situation or circumstances which led him to these recent behaviors and depression that I can identify in my own way. I'd like to point out the numerous parallels to him in a civilized and loving way that I went through many (and still do on occasion) some of the same exact emotional struggles...not only if marriage, but friends, family, co-workers, peers, etc.
Anyway I sat in church and listened to a very stirring testimonial that day. My mind however, was not 100% on the pulpit, but divided on if it was my place or not to get involved. I ran through various variations of a speech I may or may not give to her. I can't explain why, but by the time I left the feeling was very heavy on my heart and on my way home I prayed that God give me wisdom.
When I arrived home, instead of going inside to my own house, I knocked on my neighbors door.
She answered and I could tell she had been crying and didn't get much sleep. I asked if we could talk a few minutes, and I made it very clear to her I was coming on my own accord. None of neighbors know, nor does my wife that I am over here right now. I wanted to let her know that while I have been quiet the last few days and giver her space seeing that everyone else has had their input that maybe I am coming over with a different approach.
We sat on opposite couches in her living room, and I came clean to her like I've never done to anyone else other than you who read my blog. Not even my best friends know that I was on various drugs, seeing a shrink, or had suicidal thoughts at one time. My neighbor now probably knows more about me in that area than maybe even my wife does (go figure) and I wanted to share that with her so she might possibly grasp what depression is like from a man's perspective. I meant for my conversation to only be about 10-15 minutes, but when I was done taking her through my journey (abbreviated as it was) I was closer to 45 minutes.
I did bring up God and Christ briefly, but not as a tool of judgement. The only spiritual advice I gave that day was for her to ask/pray to God that He allows her a good night sleep. That He calms her spirit over the next day or so as to not do anything rash. That she pray that her husbands spirit is also calmed, that he also have a restful day, and find a moment of peace in these turbulent hours. That she pray for when they do finally get together to talk that both of them have the wisdom to speak calmly and intelligently and truthfully...not to clobber him over the head and point fingers....that would drive any man just back out the door.
I also offered her that she could feel free to tell her husband that if he wishes to speak to someone with similar feelings and history, that's what I'm here for. I'm not going to shove God down his throat at all. I don't think that's what God is asking me to do right now. At the very least, perhaps my own experiences can be shared with him so he knows he's not alone in these feelings.
She thanked me and we hugged. As I finally walked back out her door I prayed that they both find some peace these next few days, that again, their spirit be calmed and the anger quelled. Maybe they need a few days a part as emotions are way to high right now to make sense.
I feel for both of them. I like them both and I'm very sensitive to both their sides, perhaps his more so even though I haven't had a chance to speak with him yet. It's only because I've seen her a few times over the last 72 hours and my wife has spoken to her in person and over the phone multiple times, not to mention all the otter neighbors speaking on the matter. I am purposely remaining silent and avoiding the coffee clutches right now as that only contributes to gossip....and while gossip is wrong...it's even worse when no one knows where the husband is coming from as no one has heard from him as of yet.
I went to church by myself, as I always do (I think I've stated before that my wife is also a believer...but unfortunately more of a cultural christian in her walk right now...something I continue to pray about), and felt very convicted to finally say something to my neighbor.
There are two reasons I want to talk to her: 1) I've kept my mouth shut up to this point as I digest and gather more information as to not jump to a conclusion, and yet I am very concerned (as I told A Wandering Mind) with the amount of 'secular' advice I've been hearing. I cringe internally when everything I have heard so far is not about bridging a gap and healing, but more what is 'his' problem, 'how could he do this', 'what are you going to do with the house'. Very premature statements I think and not the way I would initiate dialogue with either of them. 2) Since he has moved out, he has had no contact with any of us. My wife did get a text message from him, but it was short and did not reveal where he was at or if he is willing to talk.
If and when the time comes and I do see him, I will speak with him....but not about marriage or God right off the bat. I do want to talk to him about depression, and let him know that even if I don't know the exact situation or circumstances which led him to these recent behaviors and depression that I can identify in my own way. I'd like to point out the numerous parallels to him in a civilized and loving way that I went through many (and still do on occasion) some of the same exact emotional struggles...not only if marriage, but friends, family, co-workers, peers, etc.
Anyway I sat in church and listened to a very stirring testimonial that day. My mind however, was not 100% on the pulpit, but divided on if it was my place or not to get involved. I ran through various variations of a speech I may or may not give to her. I can't explain why, but by the time I left the feeling was very heavy on my heart and on my way home I prayed that God give me wisdom.
When I arrived home, instead of going inside to my own house, I knocked on my neighbors door.
She answered and I could tell she had been crying and didn't get much sleep. I asked if we could talk a few minutes, and I made it very clear to her I was coming on my own accord. None of neighbors know, nor does my wife that I am over here right now. I wanted to let her know that while I have been quiet the last few days and giver her space seeing that everyone else has had their input that maybe I am coming over with a different approach.
We sat on opposite couches in her living room, and I came clean to her like I've never done to anyone else other than you who read my blog. Not even my best friends know that I was on various drugs, seeing a shrink, or had suicidal thoughts at one time. My neighbor now probably knows more about me in that area than maybe even my wife does (go figure) and I wanted to share that with her so she might possibly grasp what depression is like from a man's perspective. I meant for my conversation to only be about 10-15 minutes, but when I was done taking her through my journey (abbreviated as it was) I was closer to 45 minutes.
I did bring up God and Christ briefly, but not as a tool of judgement. The only spiritual advice I gave that day was for her to ask/pray to God that He allows her a good night sleep. That He calms her spirit over the next day or so as to not do anything rash. That she pray that her husbands spirit is also calmed, that he also have a restful day, and find a moment of peace in these turbulent hours. That she pray for when they do finally get together to talk that both of them have the wisdom to speak calmly and intelligently and truthfully...not to clobber him over the head and point fingers....that would drive any man just back out the door.
I also offered her that she could feel free to tell her husband that if he wishes to speak to someone with similar feelings and history, that's what I'm here for. I'm not going to shove God down his throat at all. I don't think that's what God is asking me to do right now. At the very least, perhaps my own experiences can be shared with him so he knows he's not alone in these feelings.
She thanked me and we hugged. As I finally walked back out her door I prayed that they both find some peace these next few days, that again, their spirit be calmed and the anger quelled. Maybe they need a few days a part as emotions are way to high right now to make sense.
I feel for both of them. I like them both and I'm very sensitive to both their sides, perhaps his more so even though I haven't had a chance to speak with him yet. It's only because I've seen her a few times over the last 72 hours and my wife has spoken to her in person and over the phone multiple times, not to mention all the otter neighbors speaking on the matter. I am purposely remaining silent and avoiding the coffee clutches right now as that only contributes to gossip....and while gossip is wrong...it's even worse when no one knows where the husband is coming from as no one has heard from him as of yet.
August 19, 2008
Marriage Woes (Part II)
Saturday more or less had an unusual cloud of silenced concern over our neighborhood. By now, many of the neighbors (not all) had known what was currently transpiring and there were many hushed talks going on.
I admit to be curious myself, but tried to make a point of giving my neighbor her space and not get involved...yet. I remember when crap was going down for me, there were those that had spoken to me, but I wasn't exactly sure if it was genuine concern or just fact finding for gossip. I soon learned to hate most of the cliches as did I not enjoy repeating the stories over and over again. Maybe some people feel the need to talk in order to 'vent' and get things of their chest. Me? I need to find a quiet place and not be reminded by everyone that things that happen are in "God's plan" or dredge up recent history that just feeds into my own self-loathing, anger, hate, confusion, bitterness, etc.
As the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" suggests, we men like to work things out in our head first. We need time to retreat to our caves and think things out...to process...before we are ready to speak.
My neighbor slept and kept to herself most of the day. At least that's what she said eventually later that day when she emerged from her home. I can assume what really happened is that she let her mind take over and replay any conversation she and her husband had the last few days over and over and over again, picking out every single word for its real meaning. I'm sure the night was filled with restless sleep and many, many tears. If she was anything like me, her guts would be twisting, her heart fluttering, she'd be awake but in a daze.
The other women on the street, including my own wife, spoke with her numerous times trying to lend their support and I commend them for that. However, one concern that kept popping into my mind was the fact that she was only hearing from other women and not from a guys point of view. That may sound a bit sexist, but I've lived with these people for 4 years and I can kinda surmise the stance and points they are taking. There's no bad intentions from any of them, that I'm sure of, but the other thing that concerned me was that the advice/support given probably had no spiritual attunement to back it up.
Now by no means do I consider myself a theologian, or even remotely qualified to give advice from a pulpit, but I can say my heart has been weighing very heavy that my neighbor needed to hear something else that hadn't been repeated already a hundred times. I can't tell you why, or even 100% positive my own judgement was on track or not, but I had a feeling in my heart that maybe I need to talk to her aside from anyone else and share with her what I went through in terms of depression, medicines, my feelings and thought process as a guy, and offer the little spiritual insight that I could about marriage and prayer.
To be continued....
I admit to be curious myself, but tried to make a point of giving my neighbor her space and not get involved...yet. I remember when crap was going down for me, there were those that had spoken to me, but I wasn't exactly sure if it was genuine concern or just fact finding for gossip. I soon learned to hate most of the cliches as did I not enjoy repeating the stories over and over again. Maybe some people feel the need to talk in order to 'vent' and get things of their chest. Me? I need to find a quiet place and not be reminded by everyone that things that happen are in "God's plan" or dredge up recent history that just feeds into my own self-loathing, anger, hate, confusion, bitterness, etc.
As the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" suggests, we men like to work things out in our head first. We need time to retreat to our caves and think things out...to process...before we are ready to speak.
My neighbor slept and kept to herself most of the day. At least that's what she said eventually later that day when she emerged from her home. I can assume what really happened is that she let her mind take over and replay any conversation she and her husband had the last few days over and over and over again, picking out every single word for its real meaning. I'm sure the night was filled with restless sleep and many, many tears. If she was anything like me, her guts would be twisting, her heart fluttering, she'd be awake but in a daze.
The other women on the street, including my own wife, spoke with her numerous times trying to lend their support and I commend them for that. However, one concern that kept popping into my mind was the fact that she was only hearing from other women and not from a guys point of view. That may sound a bit sexist, but I've lived with these people for 4 years and I can kinda surmise the stance and points they are taking. There's no bad intentions from any of them, that I'm sure of, but the other thing that concerned me was that the advice/support given probably had no spiritual attunement to back it up.
Now by no means do I consider myself a theologian, or even remotely qualified to give advice from a pulpit, but I can say my heart has been weighing very heavy that my neighbor needed to hear something else that hadn't been repeated already a hundred times. I can't tell you why, or even 100% positive my own judgement was on track or not, but I had a feeling in my heart that maybe I need to talk to her aside from anyone else and share with her what I went through in terms of depression, medicines, my feelings and thought process as a guy, and offer the little spiritual insight that I could about marriage and prayer.
To be continued....
August 18, 2008
Marriage Woes (Part I)
I'm not trying to be glib at all, but for the first time in a long time I can say this entry isn't about the state of my marriage, but that of my neighbors.
Friday evening our next door neighbor (the young woman) contacted my wife as they are pretty decent friends. She was in hysterics and clearly wanted my wife's company as I can imagine it was most likely a topic so sensitive in nature that perhaps only another woman could provide support and comfort. I ended up going out with a couple of friends of mine to dinner locally as we had planned this out earlier for some good old fashioned male bonding over buffalo wings and beer.
When I arrived back home later that evening (no more than two hours later) my friends and I noticed that a few of the neighbors were unusually quiet and very somber. I glanced over at my neighbor and had noticed she had been crying quite considerably. It was an awkward moment only because I knew something was wrong, yet had no clue what had transpired.
Long story short, my neighbors husband, of just about four years came home Friday night after work and declared he was moving out. No one saw this coming, especially his wife.
It was revealed that she had thought her husband was depressed for the last few weeks, although like me, he kept many of his feeling bottled up inside and numerous pressures were building up until he cracked.
Just like me almost two years ago.
Actually, although the husband is six years younger than me we actually have very similar stories: He too is college educated, yet continues to struggle to find a worth while place of employment that will actually pay him a decent salary. He lost his job two years ago around the same time I lost mine. Where my wife and I are coming up on our 5th anniversary, they are just shy of their 4th. They were also trying to have children, unsuccessfully as we were. The bills never seem to go away, and for every step he took forward, something out of the blue put him back two steps. He took it upon himself as a proud male to try and fix things that were no longer in his control, and he failed.
Just like me.
Some of the neighbors chimed in that he had been acting differently....more closed off...more distracted...more off kilter the last couple of weeks.
Just like me.
His wife suggested that they seek marriage counseling together, or that he seek psychological help and he refused, stating he didn't believe in those methods...
Just like me.
As I sat there in shock of the news just as everyone else was and trying to grasp and digest it, my mind and heart transported back to two years ago when my world felt like it was crumbling and falling apart. Even though their situation is unique from my own, there are so many parallels its scary. While I am sure his wife is just devastated as he has made it known he wants out (of the marriage, that is), I also feel I can identify with him on a level that no one else present can...because that was me and I was there. Granted, I didn't leave my wife, but I have mentioned before I wanted to escape. I wanted to run away. I wanted a do-over of the last 7-8 years.
I'm not exactly sure why I never did leave all those times I was so tempted to. Was it because deep down inside I realized I really had nowhere to go? Did I think it would hurt my wife much more that it hurt me (although I admit, I wanted her to taste my pain for once)? Was it because I was brought up differently under the tutelage of my parents on what was right, what was wrong, and what was my responsibilities in life whether I liked them or not?
Perhaps.
I do think that God played an important roll in my actions and decisions during that volatile time. God was indeed working on me...opening my eyes....helping me see things and soften my heart that I had spent the last few years growing angry and bitter. I didn't understand or comprehend it all just then. I'm not even sure I do now quite honestly. I still have my moments. I still have a long way to go. Nothing is perfect. My life, my marriage, my ultimate happiness and state of depression are always in flux....but I can say it is better today than it was. And my personal spiritual journey in re-discovering Christ plays an active roll in all that today.
I think that's the biggest difference between my situation and his. God is in my life, and in previous conversations I have had with my neighbors, God really isn't a part of theirs. That's not to say they don't believe in God or Christ, but that He does not have an active role in their lives or marriage. Life, and material things, and fun come first. God last.
I'm not sure if that's a fair assessment on my part. I can't judge that. I can't judge the state of their hearts and mind. I only comment on what they choose to reveal to me and my own observations.
Well, I'll continue my thought process in the next entry on this. This was more or less an introduction, and I am sharing this with you because if you change the names, this is my life all over again being played out in front of my own eyes....but it went to the next level when he walked out.
My heart pains for them both...for their marriage....and his mental state.
Friday evening our next door neighbor (the young woman) contacted my wife as they are pretty decent friends. She was in hysterics and clearly wanted my wife's company as I can imagine it was most likely a topic so sensitive in nature that perhaps only another woman could provide support and comfort. I ended up going out with a couple of friends of mine to dinner locally as we had planned this out earlier for some good old fashioned male bonding over buffalo wings and beer.
When I arrived back home later that evening (no more than two hours later) my friends and I noticed that a few of the neighbors were unusually quiet and very somber. I glanced over at my neighbor and had noticed she had been crying quite considerably. It was an awkward moment only because I knew something was wrong, yet had no clue what had transpired.
Long story short, my neighbors husband, of just about four years came home Friday night after work and declared he was moving out. No one saw this coming, especially his wife.
It was revealed that she had thought her husband was depressed for the last few weeks, although like me, he kept many of his feeling bottled up inside and numerous pressures were building up until he cracked.
Just like me almost two years ago.
Actually, although the husband is six years younger than me we actually have very similar stories: He too is college educated, yet continues to struggle to find a worth while place of employment that will actually pay him a decent salary. He lost his job two years ago around the same time I lost mine. Where my wife and I are coming up on our 5th anniversary, they are just shy of their 4th. They were also trying to have children, unsuccessfully as we were. The bills never seem to go away, and for every step he took forward, something out of the blue put him back two steps. He took it upon himself as a proud male to try and fix things that were no longer in his control, and he failed.
Just like me.
Some of the neighbors chimed in that he had been acting differently....more closed off...more distracted...more off kilter the last couple of weeks.
Just like me.
His wife suggested that they seek marriage counseling together, or that he seek psychological help and he refused, stating he didn't believe in those methods...
Just like me.
As I sat there in shock of the news just as everyone else was and trying to grasp and digest it, my mind and heart transported back to two years ago when my world felt like it was crumbling and falling apart. Even though their situation is unique from my own, there are so many parallels its scary. While I am sure his wife is just devastated as he has made it known he wants out (of the marriage, that is), I also feel I can identify with him on a level that no one else present can...because that was me and I was there. Granted, I didn't leave my wife, but I have mentioned before I wanted to escape. I wanted to run away. I wanted a do-over of the last 7-8 years.
I'm not exactly sure why I never did leave all those times I was so tempted to. Was it because deep down inside I realized I really had nowhere to go? Did I think it would hurt my wife much more that it hurt me (although I admit, I wanted her to taste my pain for once)? Was it because I was brought up differently under the tutelage of my parents on what was right, what was wrong, and what was my responsibilities in life whether I liked them or not?
Perhaps.
I do think that God played an important roll in my actions and decisions during that volatile time. God was indeed working on me...opening my eyes....helping me see things and soften my heart that I had spent the last few years growing angry and bitter. I didn't understand or comprehend it all just then. I'm not even sure I do now quite honestly. I still have my moments. I still have a long way to go. Nothing is perfect. My life, my marriage, my ultimate happiness and state of depression are always in flux....but I can say it is better today than it was. And my personal spiritual journey in re-discovering Christ plays an active roll in all that today.
I think that's the biggest difference between my situation and his. God is in my life, and in previous conversations I have had with my neighbors, God really isn't a part of theirs. That's not to say they don't believe in God or Christ, but that He does not have an active role in their lives or marriage. Life, and material things, and fun come first. God last.
I'm not sure if that's a fair assessment on my part. I can't judge that. I can't judge the state of their hearts and mind. I only comment on what they choose to reveal to me and my own observations.
Well, I'll continue my thought process in the next entry on this. This was more or less an introduction, and I am sharing this with you because if you change the names, this is my life all over again being played out in front of my own eyes....but it went to the next level when he walked out.
My heart pains for them both...for their marriage....and his mental state.
August 14, 2008
Personal Reflection
It has been quite some time since I last made an entry, and I'm not exactly positive I know why.
It seems that last few weeks my existance has been comfortably residing within a set of parenthesis. I've had an odd feeling of peace, and I'm not even sure that the word 'peace' is even actually appropriate a description.
Everything has been very routine and comfortable for the most part. I can't say that I am extremely happy, nor am I sad. It's as if many of my emotions have just been minimized and while I am aware of the things going on around me, I don't have much inout or devoted much energy into contemplating them. Writing this own entry as it flows from my brain to my hands is probably the most I thought on any subject at any level that's just deeper than its surface.
I did one argument with my wife about a week ago, and I really tried to avoid it on multiple levels. I truly feel looking back that she really wanted to raise my 'ire' but I'm not sure why. I even exclaimed more than once that I wished to stop this now lest in go into territory that we'd both be sorry about. I asked her at least three times to stop, but she really knows how to press my buttons. If anything hurt me at all, it wasn't about the subject matter of the fight (money of course), in that respect I really wasn't mad....what made me angry was her deliberate twisting of my words and making these apple and orange type comparisons that made no sense at all, other than to just keep the argument going....for argument sake only.
But even after it was over, I got over it very quickly. It had to be one of the dumbest arguments we have ever had and I don't think I am saying that because I am a man. On the contrary I usually get much more worked up and much more emotional than my wife ever does. I swear, it was like she was on a mission to get under my skin that day and I don't know why. In the end, it may have backfired on her, because she stormed off and stewed for quiet some time afterwards and I was right back at being at peace minutes later and it didn't bother me.....WHich I think bothered her in the irony of it all.
In other matters, my mom and I have been getting along just fine. I did skip church last week and had a tinge of guilt, but not too much (which actually botehr me now....that I didn't have too much guilt). I'm a bit burnt out on things in general....work, chores, church, family, news, etc.
It's odd really. I do feel somewhat detached from everything close and dear to me other than my dog. I've been watching the news lately, and its just as sick and deprived as it always is. Horrible things are going on abroad and right here as well and yet I have no feeling for it.
The best anaology I can think of right now is my body is producing its own Lexapro like anti-depressant. My mood and feelings are pretty stable and nuetral which normally aren't the case.
I can't help but wonder if Jesus is preparing me for something, or working with me in a way I haven't yet been able to figure out. In a strange way, I've been pretty comfortable both mentally and emotionally the last few weeks and I'm not sure I want any change any time soon.
It seems that last few weeks my existance has been comfortably residing within a set of parenthesis. I've had an odd feeling of peace, and I'm not even sure that the word 'peace' is even actually appropriate a description.
Everything has been very routine and comfortable for the most part. I can't say that I am extremely happy, nor am I sad. It's as if many of my emotions have just been minimized and while I am aware of the things going on around me, I don't have much inout or devoted much energy into contemplating them. Writing this own entry as it flows from my brain to my hands is probably the most I thought on any subject at any level that's just deeper than its surface.
I did one argument with my wife about a week ago, and I really tried to avoid it on multiple levels. I truly feel looking back that she really wanted to raise my 'ire' but I'm not sure why. I even exclaimed more than once that I wished to stop this now lest in go into territory that we'd both be sorry about. I asked her at least three times to stop, but she really knows how to press my buttons. If anything hurt me at all, it wasn't about the subject matter of the fight (money of course), in that respect I really wasn't mad....what made me angry was her deliberate twisting of my words and making these apple and orange type comparisons that made no sense at all, other than to just keep the argument going....for argument sake only.
But even after it was over, I got over it very quickly. It had to be one of the dumbest arguments we have ever had and I don't think I am saying that because I am a man. On the contrary I usually get much more worked up and much more emotional than my wife ever does. I swear, it was like she was on a mission to get under my skin that day and I don't know why. In the end, it may have backfired on her, because she stormed off and stewed for quiet some time afterwards and I was right back at being at peace minutes later and it didn't bother me.....WHich I think bothered her in the irony of it all.
In other matters, my mom and I have been getting along just fine. I did skip church last week and had a tinge of guilt, but not too much (which actually botehr me now....that I didn't have too much guilt). I'm a bit burnt out on things in general....work, chores, church, family, news, etc.
It's odd really. I do feel somewhat detached from everything close and dear to me other than my dog. I've been watching the news lately, and its just as sick and deprived as it always is. Horrible things are going on abroad and right here as well and yet I have no feeling for it.
The best anaology I can think of right now is my body is producing its own Lexapro like anti-depressant. My mood and feelings are pretty stable and nuetral which normally aren't the case.
I can't help but wonder if Jesus is preparing me for something, or working with me in a way I haven't yet been able to figure out. In a strange way, I've been pretty comfortable both mentally and emotionally the last few weeks and I'm not sure I want any change any time soon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)