Is the Universe speaking to Me?

Yesterday was a strange day in terms of my perception of coincidences.  I'm not exactly sure where I stand or whether I'm on board one way or the other if the things we experience over a short period of time are "signs" from the Universe.

I do believe, or at least, allow for the belief that God can try to get our attention at times.  How exactly, I'm not positive.  It may be subtle, perhaps it may even be direct, but I'm not sure if the man upstairs uses formulaic sitcom scenarios to make His point.  Then again, who says God doesn't have a sense of humor?  He did create the platypus afterall.

So yesterday it seems as if a lot of stuff I came into contact with, whether deliberate or by random circumstance seemed to pop up into my life yesterday on a cerebral level.

A somewhat famous pastor, Rick Warren, of Saddleback church made this comment yesterday to his congregation as food for thought:

"Incompatibility in marriage is really immaturity and selfishness. Mature people value differences and grow, learning real love."

The comments that followed were very divided, and I for one would find myself in the undecided category.  On the one hand, this makes perfect sense. On the other, I couldn't help but wonder if Rick was referring to me as immature and selfish. 

I've literally read this quote close to a dozen times over the past 18 hours or so, and my gut reaction still is...confusion?  While some people may say I can be immature at times for playing Xbox, reading comics, liking Science Fiction, my trivial rants, and occassionally doing foolish things I also consider myself quite mature.  My bills are paid on time, I'm a responsible member of society, I love my God and attend church, I'm empathetic towards animals and enjoy deep discussions without referring to sophmoric antics.  This may not win me any points in the 'humble' department, but I think I am a geneous person when I can be, often helping others financially, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  That doesn't absolve myself of ALL selfishness, but I clearly don't feel selfish at all...especially when it came to my marriage.  I think I was anything BUT selfish in that regard, but I reached a point where despite what God may think of me, I didn't want to be kicked anymore so when my wife left, I drew a line in the sand.  Some would say I waited to long to draw that line to begin with.

Then later yesterday afternoon I came across the following:

I read this and it struck a chord with me.  The second half of this hit me like a sledge hammer between the eyes because it reminded me of my wife like a klaxon alarm going off in my head.  She only paid me attention when she needed something that she could no longer provide for herself.  And it hurt me to read this. It hurt me to let it sink in and understand this.  That this what was being perpetrated upon me.  I even felt a tinge of anger and my own selfishness when I read this outloud..

Then Joel Osteen chimed in with this nugget:

"You don't have to worry. God has promised that if you will remain at rest, He'll make your wrongs right. He'll bring justice into your life."

Was God talking to me yesterday?  Was He trying to tell me that He understands that this whole things seems unjust and unfair to me, but if I give Him half a chance, that He is in control of all things....not me.  Was this His not-so-subtle reminder that He cares for me as well, that I am not forgotten, that I am getting to wrapped up in the trivial and wasting my time fretting for things yet to come and already decided by His will?

So if that wasn't enough, I got a phone listed 'PRIVATE' on my digital display last night at around 7pm.  99% of the time this signifies that my mother is calling so I picked up.

It was not my mother.

In fact it was the last person I would ever suspect.  A Christian person I met and exchanged phones numbers with almost a full year ago and whom I have had no contact with since.  She called me out of the blue...to ask how I was doing and said she had felt a strong urge to call me to counsel me and to pray for me.  I had told her my story a year ago...and here she is...a year later telling me she felt the need to reach out and to pray for me today (last night). 

How does that happen?

I was more in shock than anything.  She sensed during our conversation that I had a lot on my mind....and I pointed out everything I just laid out here: Joel Osteen nugget, Rick Warren's words, an Internet meme about wasting time on un-reciprocated love.

I can't explain any of this.  I was just keeping to myself yesterday adn the Universe came a knockin' at my door.

I'm just sharing this.  Not sure what it means....but maybe for you doubters, perhaps there is a God who does listen and responds to His children when we pause and open ourselves up to listening instead of acting.

What Dream May Come....

The last few weeks I think my subconscience has been working overtime.  There was a period of about two weeks were I must have had 3 or 4 dreams regarding my wife, or her family, and this entire situation.  The most disturbing, or actual 'hurtful' one was listening to my Mother-In-Law coming down on me.

I've always shown nothing but respect to my inlaws, and it really hurts me to the core when my MIL came down on me about my lack of forgiveness.  That was almost a year ago, and I still hear those words in my head every so often.

I'm stalled as far as weight loss goes.  I've been hovering around 219 for a month now.  Granted, I'm not hitting the gym like I used to, but I've been monitoring my food.  I theoretically should be having 1700-1800 calories a day.  Most days I can do that, although I find myself still hungry.  But then the weekends roll around and I note two major things: 1) my friends are inviting me to glorious BBQ's decadent food and drink, 2) I'm too bloody tired to go to the gym.  My body aches half the time from work, and if I have any free time at all I have to take care of my dog or chores.

My relationships with friends, neighbors, family, church has been on maintenace mode only.  I feel like I'm coasting right now....just doing enough to stay in peoples lives, but not enough to nuture them or myself for that matter.  Kinda goes back to the whole "I'm too damn tired" thing.

I'm also still re-evaluating certain 'relationships' with people I've known and have shifted some of them into the 'acquaintance' only category.  I feel as I am...and always have been the same guy...it's their change of behaviors (or lack thereof) which has made me realize I need new blood in my circles.  This stale, stagnation gossip and 'nosey'-ness isn't building me up.  The facts are the facts....go ask 'her' what the 'story of the day' is.

Saw Superman and Star Trek recently...love them both...and feels good to be a kid again at times.  Take 2-3 hours out of life and be somewhere else mentally where my crap doesn't matter.

No real plans for summer...yet.  I got invited to go to Vegas for a few days, but had to pass because it interferred with work and whose gonna watch my pup for 3 days?  Also got invited by my best friend to go to British Columbia.  He has a time share...all I have to do is get a plane ticket....but same problem....can't get off of work right now, nor can commit to anything until I know where I stand legally (and financially).

So I predict a summer of building train models (a hobby of mine) and exploring the immediate area with my dog and close friends.  But we'll see, meterologists are alrady predicting this is gonna be a hot summer.  Our first heat wave is supposed to hit by the weekend, and I can expect temperatures in the 90's.  I might be sleeping downstairs this weekend.

Showcase Showdown - a month later.

It's been a few strange weeks overall.

I've been off my happy pills again for the past two weeks, and quite honestly I feel generally apathetic.  Work has been very mundane lately...very mundane.  I'm busy enough, but it's just the same thing everyday.  8 hours of the same thing.  Can a person get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in the brain?  That's what it feels like or at least analogous too, if you don't like my metaphor.

Oh, and for those wondering what happened during the Showcase Showdown back from April?  My wife renegged on just about everything we agreed to prior.  Just when I think I couldn't be surprised by her anymore, I will admit, what came out of her mouth both stunned and saddened me.  Even my lawyer had to laugh at her and her attorney. 

See, my wife and I agreed (at least I thought we did), that she keeps her collections and I keep mine.  She keeps her 401K and I keep mine.  She pays for her credit cards, and I pay for mine.  She keeps her car, and I keep mine. See the pattern?

Well, of course when we got down to brass tax she now wants the following:

• My 401K, because she has spent hers.
• The equity in my car....the one that I bought and paid for by myself.
• The king size bed...the one she hated and said she wanted a new mattress before she left.
• My art collection, on top of keeping hers.
• The patio furniture...which I bought,
• The TV...which was a gift to me from my aunt & uncle....which is funny because not only does she have no where to put it, she doesn't even have cable.
• The washer, dryer, stove, and fridge....the appliances I bought...that she didn't.
• She also wants me to pay her Credit Cards.....because she can't.
• Maximum for alimony that the state will allow.
• And the icing on the cake?  My dog.  Yes the dog she didn't walk, didn't buy, didn't train, didn't pay for his insurance or pet bills.  The dog she walked out on when she left me and her daughter.  The dog she never asked about the last 14 months.  Now she wants my dog.  Over my DEAD body.

So there you go.  It obviously didn't go the way I expected.  It floored me.  I think I was in shock the first day or two.  I cried a bit.  I can handle some material objects...giving those up and replacing them even though she didn't invest a stinking dime into them,  But the buck stops at MY dog.  Any emotion of love I was still holding for her died that day.  No I don't hate her.  No, I still don't wish her any ill will.  I'm just shocked and heart-broken that she went back on EVERYTHING we agreed to and I completely felt blind-sided.

Anyway, since then her new lawyer wants to 'talk' to us again.  Maybe, just maybe, he talked some sense into her and feels like we can still negotiate a few things before we go to court.  This will take place sometime in July.  When?  I do not know yet.  But if I walk back into a negotiation meeting again, she better be willing to play ball.  I have no qualms walking in and walking right back out in less than 5 minutes if I feel she's not ready to play ball.  First and foremost, my dog is not negotiable.  Period.  End of discussion.

Now some of you may be thinking, "Dude, it's just a dog!  Is a dog worth the cost of going to court?  Go out and buy a new one."  You have to know me and understand this:  I have no biological children...so my dog is my 'child'.  I raised him.  He is my best friend.  He sleeps in my bed.  And all the times where I broke down and had tears, he was in my lap and kept me sane,  He prompted me to go out and take him for walks when it was easy to sit at home, curl up in a fetal psoition, and drink.  As weird as you may think I am, my dog gave me purpsoe when I was all alone in my house, and has been with me everyday since BEFORE she left.  She is not getting my dog.  I will be with him until he passes from natural causes.  Period.

One way or the other, we have a trial date, before a judge on August 8th.  So as I post this, I have roughly 2 months before I think this may all be finally over.