"For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever." - I John 2:16-17, NIV
My thoughts seem a bit jumbled again today, and the more I think about it (that in and of itself seems like an oxymoron), the more I realize that my thought have been unclear, fragmented, and un-focused the last few days.
Memories of the past, whether I want to indulge them or not, keep flooding back into my head and while most have been pleasurable, they have all made me uncomfortable to one degree or another.
I've been allowing my family life, dealings with neighbors, and those I come into contact with to get under my skin again, and in the end my emotional state feels as if it is slowly drifting towards exhaustion.
Some of my most recent thoughts have brought me back to "false-happy" times, those teen years and early twenty experimental years where drinking, girl chasing and secular activities were the norm. My mind and my physical body sometimes misses those things....the thrill, the adventure, the highs. On the other hand my re-awakened spiritual side wishes to banish many of those thoughts, for I wish to exist in the now, not the past. But clearly at times, it feels as if the past, at least on the surface, was so much more appealing.
My love life back then seemed exciting and full of action....what any young man would like, and often brag about. But when I really think hard, and peel back the layers of those relationships, I recognize that many were unhealthy....full of drama, negative emotions, arguements and never ending struggles. It seems that for every one positive memory that dominates my frontal lobe, there are a half a dozen negative ones I have tried to suppress.
How many tears of my own have been shed over heart-break, and believing there were emotional connections which turned out only to be surface attractions and nothing more.
It's amazing how the Enemy can take a simple thought, a memory almost 20 years olds, and taunt me daily, almost hourly. I pray to be stronger, but sometimes that strength isn't readily apparent to me. My thoughts cave in, and again, I am living out small episodes in my mind like they were yesterday, vivid in all their lurid details.
The verse I quoted says that the desires of the world will one day pass, however, not likely while I am still alive. Only through mortal death will my cares and wants of this realm be replaced by something I cannot even begin to comprehend. Sounds nice, but I'm still stuck with these thoughts now.
In many 12 step programs, I often hear recommendations that the person seeking recovery go back and face head on those that he/she may have hurt or were involved at one point to face their fears head on, and in some cases, apologize. I wish I had that will power. I want to apologize to a great many people, mostly women with whom I have had relations, but I'm scared and I'm not even sure how sorry I am at times. Perhaps my apologies may fall on deaf ears if that other person still plays within the secular world.
I wonder why my thoughts have become taunted by these memories lately? Why now, after all these years do I think of this person or that person and the relationships we had? Does this contribute to my current state of restlessness in which I cannot concentrate at home, or find myself getting irritated by those around me. I don't wish to bring these stories up with those close to me now, because I don't think they can relate, and I'd probably do more harm than good.
So I wallow in a different type of depression now. Not one of chemical imbalances of the brain, or feelings of hoplessness and despair, but of physical emotions of broken hearts and pleasures of the flesh. I remember hearing years and years ago that a man's sexual peak was his late teen to mid twenties. I'd like to argue that as sometimes the desires of the flesh seem so much more strong today than they did all those years ago.
July 27, 2007
July 25, 2007
A little pent up irritation
"Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret-it leads only to evil" (Psalm 37:8).
The last few days, I've been feeling a bit on edge about my house. Certain circumstances and behavior of immediate family members of which I live with (including even some of my own) have made me very aware of my moodiness.
I'm not sure where my moodiness is currently originating from. I can take a stab at a number of things that seem to be getting under my skin, but I'm also having a hard time venting properly or expressing my feelings to my family...more so in fear of starting some argument...so for the time being I am keeping these ill feelings within my mind and behind pursed lips.
The trouble with that is that my feeling are not subsiding with time, but seem to be mounting, and I'm afraid I'm going to snap at someone very shortly in not such a nice way.
Part of me knows that I also haven't been spending too much time in prayer about this, or turning it over to Christ. I feel sometimes that I'm back at square one, once again trying to control and fix things that deep down I cannot. But I look at my family sometimes and wonder "What the h-e-double-hockey-sticks are you thinking?" But in most cases they aren't thinking at all. No one person is perfect, even me, lest we wouldn't need God's grace and forgiveness at all. However, there are moments it seems I must count silenty to ten in my head and take a deep breath before I say something I'll regret. Problem is, I've already thought it so I'm not 100% sure it did me any good not to say it, because when I bottle it up inside, it gnaws on my mind (note: not heart) and festers like an ugly cancer.
A lot of negative emotions begin to float around inside and then I have trouble pinpointing excatly which emotion I am actually experiencing. Sometimes it feels like anger, other times sadness, irritation, moodiness, crabbiness, disdain, exaspiration, frustration, and many others.
And it centers around my home. There are times as of late I really look in the proverbial mirror and wonder "What did I get myself into?" "Was I really this stupid and naive to think everything would always be perfect?"
I close my eyes and dream about far away lands and places. Freedom. Quietness.
That seems to be a recurring theme to me.....I just want things...quiet...and on my terms. I want to come hoem one day and not be faced with the drama at the moment. Watch a little TV with no interuptions, no phone ringing, no door knocking. I don't want to listen to my daughters attitude or scold her for acting irresponsible and selfish every 10 minutes. I can't help but wonder what goes through her head at times and realize that she is totally unaware of her actions. But that suprises me even more....How can you not realize what you are doing and saying for Pete's sake? But it's not just her. It's my wife. It's me. It's the neighbors. It's the dog. It's many things both big and small, and in the end.....in the big scheme of the universe that God has created for all of us....they are trivial matters. Yet I forget that, and don't treat them trivially.
I still don't take my 'happy pills' right now, but I do indeed get tempted.
What really tempts me is the bottle. How easily I think, I could slip right back to numbness with a small tumbler and ice. I make a justification even I am at war with myself over: just one or two drinks will calm me down. But two turn into three that turns into more. Then my tongue might really become loose.
Do you see the maddening cycle? Maybe you do not. It appear it may only be in my own mind and thought, and sounds attractive. But this is not God's way. It can only lead to bad things if I allow it to. My anger and feelings are festering and I'm not re-directing these energies correctly until I sit down like now and think about them. I don't know why I am wound up right now. I'm not sure why I ''really" don't want to go home. I just don't.
I'm going to stop this entry now, for I feel I can ramble on and on and on if allowed to.
The last few days, I've been feeling a bit on edge about my house. Certain circumstances and behavior of immediate family members of which I live with (including even some of my own) have made me very aware of my moodiness.
I'm not sure where my moodiness is currently originating from. I can take a stab at a number of things that seem to be getting under my skin, but I'm also having a hard time venting properly or expressing my feelings to my family...more so in fear of starting some argument...so for the time being I am keeping these ill feelings within my mind and behind pursed lips.
The trouble with that is that my feeling are not subsiding with time, but seem to be mounting, and I'm afraid I'm going to snap at someone very shortly in not such a nice way.
Part of me knows that I also haven't been spending too much time in prayer about this, or turning it over to Christ. I feel sometimes that I'm back at square one, once again trying to control and fix things that deep down I cannot. But I look at my family sometimes and wonder "What the h-e-double-hockey-sticks are you thinking?" But in most cases they aren't thinking at all. No one person is perfect, even me, lest we wouldn't need God's grace and forgiveness at all. However, there are moments it seems I must count silenty to ten in my head and take a deep breath before I say something I'll regret. Problem is, I've already thought it so I'm not 100% sure it did me any good not to say it, because when I bottle it up inside, it gnaws on my mind (note: not heart) and festers like an ugly cancer.
A lot of negative emotions begin to float around inside and then I have trouble pinpointing excatly which emotion I am actually experiencing. Sometimes it feels like anger, other times sadness, irritation, moodiness, crabbiness, disdain, exaspiration, frustration, and many others.
And it centers around my home. There are times as of late I really look in the proverbial mirror and wonder "What did I get myself into?" "Was I really this stupid and naive to think everything would always be perfect?"
I close my eyes and dream about far away lands and places. Freedom. Quietness.
That seems to be a recurring theme to me.....I just want things...quiet...and on my terms. I want to come hoem one day and not be faced with the drama at the moment. Watch a little TV with no interuptions, no phone ringing, no door knocking. I don't want to listen to my daughters attitude or scold her for acting irresponsible and selfish every 10 minutes. I can't help but wonder what goes through her head at times and realize that she is totally unaware of her actions. But that suprises me even more....How can you not realize what you are doing and saying for Pete's sake? But it's not just her. It's my wife. It's me. It's the neighbors. It's the dog. It's many things both big and small, and in the end.....in the big scheme of the universe that God has created for all of us....they are trivial matters. Yet I forget that, and don't treat them trivially.
I still don't take my 'happy pills' right now, but I do indeed get tempted.
What really tempts me is the bottle. How easily I think, I could slip right back to numbness with a small tumbler and ice. I make a justification even I am at war with myself over: just one or two drinks will calm me down. But two turn into three that turns into more. Then my tongue might really become loose.
Do you see the maddening cycle? Maybe you do not. It appear it may only be in my own mind and thought, and sounds attractive. But this is not God's way. It can only lead to bad things if I allow it to. My anger and feelings are festering and I'm not re-directing these energies correctly until I sit down like now and think about them. I don't know why I am wound up right now. I'm not sure why I ''really" don't want to go home. I just don't.
I'm going to stop this entry now, for I feel I can ramble on and on and on if allowed to.
July 18, 2007
Celebrity Atheists....bummer
Yesterday I came across an Internet site that proclaims to have a list of notable people, i.e. celebs, who have come out as non-believers. They went as far as to include excerpts from previous interviews whether in print or other media to substantiate their claims, however, they did note that a few celebs seem to flip-flop from time to time.
While I expected to see a few names, which I did, I guess I was more surprised by a few names in which I didn't expect, and I am deeply saddened and bothered by these personal revelations. For some, like Katherine Hepburn, it's too late...she passed away within the last few years. For others, they are quickly entering the twilight of their lives, and some on the outside seem like very nice and even some level headed people.
Some comments from interviews really chilled me, and I'll never be able to look at that persons works again in the same light. For example, Amanada Donohoe. I think she is a fine actress, and I've enjoyed some of her previous works, however, in learning she was very outspoken about her atheism and even said she took personal enjoyment (outside from what the script required) from spitting on a crucifix with Jesus on it for a movie role some years ago have now completely turned her off for me.
A few saddened me like Ron Regan Jr., son of former president Ronald Regan. While I believe his dad is with God now, I'm troubled to learn that his current thinking's will have him separated from his father in the hereafter.
Besides being in the absence of God for eternity after death, which in and of itself is a tantamount bummer for me, I also have some selfish reasons for my disappointment: There are some brilliant, fascinating, engaging, charismatic persons on that list I was hoping to meet and share time with in heaven someday. There were a few authors in which I have read their fictional works (ex: Arthur C. Clarke), some actors whose movies I treasure and adore (ex: Jack Nicholson, Ian McKellen), and the chances of me ever meeting them here in my life are nil. Now I fear I will 'never' enjoy any one-on-one time with them.
I'd like to pray for them all, but there is only too much time in the day and my memory is only so big when it comes to recalling so many names.
I'll be honest in saying I did have a few fleeting thoughts that crept into my own mind that began to express doubt about the existence in God and Christ. I must have belief in my own faith, and pray for spiritual strength and encouragement. Maybe I need to search for a list of famous celebrities who do believe in Christ to help asuade my thoughts, for I cannot believe all these people are atheists. How can this be I ask? They are so talented and smart...where do they think these gifts come from?
My immediate concerns are for my own salvation, and then that of my family, and then of my friends, and then of my associates, etc....sorta like an ever expanding sphere with me in the middle. That may seem backwards to some, but it works for me and my mind.
My prayers are simple then, as God knows my heart and knows who I care about....even the celebrities that matter to me. An encompassing prayer that may help them see learn the truth before its too late.
In a way, this whole topic begins to depress me, and weighs heavy on my heart for those who will never even know my own name that they be saved, and it appears there is little chance of that.
While I expected to see a few names, which I did, I guess I was more surprised by a few names in which I didn't expect, and I am deeply saddened and bothered by these personal revelations. For some, like Katherine Hepburn, it's too late...she passed away within the last few years. For others, they are quickly entering the twilight of their lives, and some on the outside seem like very nice and even some level headed people.
Some comments from interviews really chilled me, and I'll never be able to look at that persons works again in the same light. For example, Amanada Donohoe. I think she is a fine actress, and I've enjoyed some of her previous works, however, in learning she was very outspoken about her atheism and even said she took personal enjoyment (outside from what the script required) from spitting on a crucifix with Jesus on it for a movie role some years ago have now completely turned her off for me.
A few saddened me like Ron Regan Jr., son of former president Ronald Regan. While I believe his dad is with God now, I'm troubled to learn that his current thinking's will have him separated from his father in the hereafter.
Besides being in the absence of God for eternity after death, which in and of itself is a tantamount bummer for me, I also have some selfish reasons for my disappointment: There are some brilliant, fascinating, engaging, charismatic persons on that list I was hoping to meet and share time with in heaven someday. There were a few authors in which I have read their fictional works (ex: Arthur C. Clarke), some actors whose movies I treasure and adore (ex: Jack Nicholson, Ian McKellen), and the chances of me ever meeting them here in my life are nil. Now I fear I will 'never' enjoy any one-on-one time with them.
I'd like to pray for them all, but there is only too much time in the day and my memory is only so big when it comes to recalling so many names.
I'll be honest in saying I did have a few fleeting thoughts that crept into my own mind that began to express doubt about the existence in God and Christ. I must have belief in my own faith, and pray for spiritual strength and encouragement. Maybe I need to search for a list of famous celebrities who do believe in Christ to help asuade my thoughts, for I cannot believe all these people are atheists. How can this be I ask? They are so talented and smart...where do they think these gifts come from?
My immediate concerns are for my own salvation, and then that of my family, and then of my friends, and then of my associates, etc....sorta like an ever expanding sphere with me in the middle. That may seem backwards to some, but it works for me and my mind.
My prayers are simple then, as God knows my heart and knows who I care about....even the celebrities that matter to me. An encompassing prayer that may help them see learn the truth before its too late.
In a way, this whole topic begins to depress me, and weighs heavy on my heart for those who will never even know my own name that they be saved, and it appears there is little chance of that.
July 16, 2007
A tinge of Anger
I've been a little grouchy the past few days, and while I am aware of it, and have prayed about it, I slipped yesterday and snapped at my step-daughter and swore as well.It would just be an excuse if I said it was because I was tired or a little under the weather lately, (both are true actually), but I have felt extremely sensative the last few days and have taken personal note that my fuse has been a little shorter than unsual as of late.
I've been taking a little cocktail of prescribed drugs lately for a rash of hives I have been exhibiting lately with no known cause. Yup, I have had an allergist administer a scratch test, and I have had blood drawn, and both came back as 'normal'. That's part of my personal frustration is that I know, as well as the doctor, that these hives are 'not' normal, but we cannot seem to pinpoint the root cause. In the meantime, in order to get them under control I take various anti-histamines, and anti-inflammatory meds as well as some steroids. Long story short.....they make me tired, I don't sleep very well, the hives don't go away very quickly, and we don't know what causes them.
Mix in the fact I have allowed both my wife and step daughter get under my skin as of late because fo my own mood, and I constantly find myself slowly counting to 10 in my head lest I blow up. I sometimes wonder if this is natural, or because I am so sensative to the fact that I'm a 'hot head' as a carry over from the chemical imbalance thats spurs my depressive episodes.
I know one thing.... I didn't want to go to church at all yesterday. I just wanted to stay in bed or perhaps enjoy a cup of coffee in my self imposed solitude, but my spirit got the best of me and I went anyway....more so out of guilt. But I am so glad I did.
There was a guest speaker there who illustrated the 'Bema' judgement in such a way that it brought me to tears. That's why I sit in the back of the church. I get so emotional at times, I get embarrassed and my own pride doesn't want to show others how easily I can cry.
I often wonder about that too. Why I am so easy to come to tears? I'm a big guy. In the past, people have often called me a leader, someone with intelligence (notice I emphasize 'past'). Now I cry and I don't want people to see I am losing it.
My tears were a double sword yesterday. They were tears of joy knowing what Heaven and Christ will bring someday, but at the same time, I had tears of guilt....of what a sinner I have been and still am....that only by God's grace will I be allowed into heaven, not on my own volition.
I admit, I still remain puzzled and in awe that Christ promises that whoever believe in Him and call him Lord will have entrance into heaven. I keep wondering "What's the catch", because that almost seems too easy. I cannot easily imagine that I will be welcomed, or anyone for that matter short of Mother Theresa. And even more so, there will be no more tears as He will wipe them away, and if there are any tears at all, they will be tears of joy, not sadness.
I have a hard time contemplating that. As someone who know his own sadness, lonliness, bitterness and depression, I have a hard time imagining a place where these terms are actually foriegn.
Anyway, yesterday we were all a bit moody. Maybe at varying degrees at varying times, but my step-daughter made an 'off the cuff remark' to me in which my already short use was suddenly lit and could not be extinguished. I lashed out the best way I do.....fast, explosive, and with a swear word. As soon as my own remarks left my mouth, I was instantly ashamed that I allowed that to happen. Even though my wife took my side and told her daughter to mind herself, that surely didn't excuse my own behavior.
It's been plaguing me all day today as well. I've probably prayed a handful of times since yesterday to excuse my actions, but I don't really feel absolved. I am sorry, but I think it's my own feeling of being ashamed that I cannot let go of.
July 09, 2007
CNN had this article today about Antidepressants are the most prescrived drugs in the U.S.
The CDC study suggests at 2.4 billion drugs were prescribed to doctors and hospitals in 2005, and of those 2.4 billion, 118 million were for antidepressants. That's more than drugs prescribed to treat high blood pressure, high cholesterol, asthma and headaches.
The study also seems to indicated that 25% of adults will have a major depressive episode in their lives, as will 8% of adolescents.
So many thoughts come to my mind when I read the article: Is it a sign of the times? Are people, seriously more depressed today than 20, 50, 100+ years ago? If, so, why? Is it because Americans are being conditioned that drugs are the answer for even the simpleset mood maladies and looking for an easy way out? Or, is it because this world mired in its corruption and ignorance and shunning of God the reason? Is it possible with more and more people neglecting their spirituality an their eternal souls, that they are sucumbing to Satan's seeds of hoplessness and thus creating a society of listless, depressed people?
Yeah, that may sound a bit crazy, but I personally think there is some truth to my logic. I know when I am depressed, the first thing I did was forget about God. I tried to control things. Instead of asking for God to intercede and take on my burdens, I tried gaining back control, and failed. This led to even more mounting frustrations.
These frustrations and hurt then drove me to drink, and have heart hardening thoughts. For others, they may look to recreational drugs, or a wanton attitude towards other things including family, careers, friends, etc.
I truly believe that Satan will do what ever he can to take our focus of God and His promises, and I'll be the first to tell you, he often gets me. The problem is, in the 'moment' I really have to be conscious of Christ otherwise I fall faster than a lead brick.
Are we 'depressed' as a culture because we are looking for a easy way to get by instead of taking responsibility for our actions and those that are directed towards us from the world? Are we depressed because we have yet to truly 'commit' to the Lord even though we say we did, and therefor the Holy Spirit is not indwelled within us? Have we foresaken the gifts of God that He gives to us for free? Or is there really a tangible and growing influx of chemical imbalance in our heads?
If it is indeed the chemical imbalance, what causes it moreso today than before? Is it only because we can measure it better today, because we understand our brain and science better, or is the world really becomming much more agressive, crowded, and unforgiving?
I think it's all this and more.
The last week had been a struggle again for me. I have faltered a few blatant times as a Christian, often realizing only after its too late, and thus can only ask for forgiveness instead of asking God to remove me from temptations. I am off the drugs right now....Lexapro was my friend. But I'm not suggesting if you are depressed to get off them because God is the answer.
A pastor once told me that God gave intelligence to doctors for a reason....to create drugs that will help mankind. And it is quite possible that Prozac, Lexapro and the like are God's blessing to those who truly do suffer, but like all things, they can be abused. Remember, the scientists who created these drugs were given a gift from God on how to better understand the brain, its emotional states, what goes wrong, and possibly a way to alleviate some issues, ergo, the creation of these meds.
Anyway, not really sure where I am going with this, but check out the article.
The CDC study suggests at 2.4 billion drugs were prescribed to doctors and hospitals in 2005, and of those 2.4 billion, 118 million were for antidepressants. That's more than drugs prescribed to treat high blood pressure, high cholesterol, asthma and headaches.
The study also seems to indicated that 25% of adults will have a major depressive episode in their lives, as will 8% of adolescents.
So many thoughts come to my mind when I read the article: Is it a sign of the times? Are people, seriously more depressed today than 20, 50, 100+ years ago? If, so, why? Is it because Americans are being conditioned that drugs are the answer for even the simpleset mood maladies and looking for an easy way out? Or, is it because this world mired in its corruption and ignorance and shunning of God the reason? Is it possible with more and more people neglecting their spirituality an their eternal souls, that they are sucumbing to Satan's seeds of hoplessness and thus creating a society of listless, depressed people?
Yeah, that may sound a bit crazy, but I personally think there is some truth to my logic. I know when I am depressed, the first thing I did was forget about God. I tried to control things. Instead of asking for God to intercede and take on my burdens, I tried gaining back control, and failed. This led to even more mounting frustrations.
These frustrations and hurt then drove me to drink, and have heart hardening thoughts. For others, they may look to recreational drugs, or a wanton attitude towards other things including family, careers, friends, etc.
I truly believe that Satan will do what ever he can to take our focus of God and His promises, and I'll be the first to tell you, he often gets me. The problem is, in the 'moment' I really have to be conscious of Christ otherwise I fall faster than a lead brick.
Are we 'depressed' as a culture because we are looking for a easy way to get by instead of taking responsibility for our actions and those that are directed towards us from the world? Are we depressed because we have yet to truly 'commit' to the Lord even though we say we did, and therefor the Holy Spirit is not indwelled within us? Have we foresaken the gifts of God that He gives to us for free? Or is there really a tangible and growing influx of chemical imbalance in our heads?
If it is indeed the chemical imbalance, what causes it moreso today than before? Is it only because we can measure it better today, because we understand our brain and science better, or is the world really becomming much more agressive, crowded, and unforgiving?
I think it's all this and more.
The last week had been a struggle again for me. I have faltered a few blatant times as a Christian, often realizing only after its too late, and thus can only ask for forgiveness instead of asking God to remove me from temptations. I am off the drugs right now....Lexapro was my friend. But I'm not suggesting if you are depressed to get off them because God is the answer.
A pastor once told me that God gave intelligence to doctors for a reason....to create drugs that will help mankind. And it is quite possible that Prozac, Lexapro and the like are God's blessing to those who truly do suffer, but like all things, they can be abused. Remember, the scientists who created these drugs were given a gift from God on how to better understand the brain, its emotional states, what goes wrong, and possibly a way to alleviate some issues, ergo, the creation of these meds.
Anyway, not really sure where I am going with this, but check out the article.
July 02, 2007
Disturbing Dreams
Like most people, we all have our share of disturbing dreams.
When I was younger I experienced the same nightmares most children do....scared of being lost, of certain montsers or insects, etc. When I was a teenager and in my 20's, my dreams often got more violent....things like death were a repeating occurance. I often saw myself getting stabbed, or being in a horrific car wreck, or plummeting from great heights.
And even older still, I am convinced that Satan (or a minion thereof) has revealed himself (itself) to me in the stages between actually slumber and being awake. There seems to be varying opinions if Satan can actually manipulate our dreams as he is not omniscient, but he can plant seeds of doubt, despair, and fear so as when we do fall asleep they can wreak havoc on our minds and heart.
Anyway, I had a distrubing dream this morning which has burdened me with guilt though the actions performed never took place.
The bible doesn't say much about dreams, that is, in regards to their purpose and how to interpret them. The bible only mentions dreams when it comes to certain events or certain personalities and they served a greater purpose than filling the time between being awake and slumber.
So I had a very disturbing dream this morning which involved my wife.
We were arguing about who knows what, and despite my visual queues and request to stop, my wife continued to 'push my buttons'. At one point as I walked past her, she pinched me on teh rear, and not in a loving way. It hurt and was meant to.
It was this last action which was the straw that 'broke the camels back.' I was going to show her what a 'real' pinch felt like if she wanted to play this game.
Like a parent who grabs their childs nose in an innocent game of "I got your nose", I reached out and grabbed my wife by the nose.
And squeezed.
Squeezed so hard she screamed and began to bleed profusely.
Using only a fraction of my strength, I caused more damage in 5 seconds than my wife could ever do using all her strength at any given time.
As quickly as I lashed out and did this, I just as quickly realized what I did was wrong and I was instantly wracked with guilt. The damage was done, and there was no amount of apologizing that I could do that would fix this this. I let go and she scurried into the bathroom in tears and blood. I followed up behind her feeling laothesome inside, on how I could stoop so low. I began to beg for forgiveness, but I quickly awoke.
I laid in bed for a minute trying to collect my thoughts. It was quiet, but my mind seemed to scream out at me: How could you do that? What have you done? I had no answers other than the feeling of raw guilt pouring out of me and quickly prayed to God above to calm my spirit.
It has been bugging me all day today. I often wonder what purpose dreams have in God's design if not meant for some message from Him or some other divine purpose. I could do without those type of dreams.
When I was younger I experienced the same nightmares most children do....scared of being lost, of certain montsers or insects, etc. When I was a teenager and in my 20's, my dreams often got more violent....things like death were a repeating occurance. I often saw myself getting stabbed, or being in a horrific car wreck, or plummeting from great heights.
And even older still, I am convinced that Satan (or a minion thereof) has revealed himself (itself) to me in the stages between actually slumber and being awake. There seems to be varying opinions if Satan can actually manipulate our dreams as he is not omniscient, but he can plant seeds of doubt, despair, and fear so as when we do fall asleep they can wreak havoc on our minds and heart.
Anyway, I had a distrubing dream this morning which has burdened me with guilt though the actions performed never took place.
The bible doesn't say much about dreams, that is, in regards to their purpose and how to interpret them. The bible only mentions dreams when it comes to certain events or certain personalities and they served a greater purpose than filling the time between being awake and slumber.
So I had a very disturbing dream this morning which involved my wife.
We were arguing about who knows what, and despite my visual queues and request to stop, my wife continued to 'push my buttons'. At one point as I walked past her, she pinched me on teh rear, and not in a loving way. It hurt and was meant to.
It was this last action which was the straw that 'broke the camels back.' I was going to show her what a 'real' pinch felt like if she wanted to play this game.
Like a parent who grabs their childs nose in an innocent game of "I got your nose", I reached out and grabbed my wife by the nose.
And squeezed.
Squeezed so hard she screamed and began to bleed profusely.
Using only a fraction of my strength, I caused more damage in 5 seconds than my wife could ever do using all her strength at any given time.
As quickly as I lashed out and did this, I just as quickly realized what I did was wrong and I was instantly wracked with guilt. The damage was done, and there was no amount of apologizing that I could do that would fix this this. I let go and she scurried into the bathroom in tears and blood. I followed up behind her feeling laothesome inside, on how I could stoop so low. I began to beg for forgiveness, but I quickly awoke.
I laid in bed for a minute trying to collect my thoughts. It was quiet, but my mind seemed to scream out at me: How could you do that? What have you done? I had no answers other than the feeling of raw guilt pouring out of me and quickly prayed to God above to calm my spirit.
It has been bugging me all day today. I often wonder what purpose dreams have in God's design if not meant for some message from Him or some other divine purpose. I could do without those type of dreams.
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