The worst thing about a slow day at work is the ability to let things fester as it seems time slows to a crawl and we have no control over it.
Unlike a good book which seems to end too fast, or a day at Disneyland is over before you know it...when you heart and mind and emotions are in crisis, time seems to stand still. It would be interesting to see if any scientists can corrolate time and general mood into a definable equation. It's apparant time flys when your having fun, but the opposite also applies, time drags when you are miserable.
Today each second tick of the clock seems like it lasts for one minute. One minute therefor seems ike an hour. I've been watching the clock most of the day today waiting for the 5pm bell to toll, so I can make the 1/2 hour commute to the therapists office where I will meet my wife and try and make some sorta of sense out of the weekend.
To help pass the time, I have found myself walking the parking lot between buildings in an attempt to look busy, but really I'm just playing the scenario over and over in my head and I still see no way out. I was in a losing position when I woke up this weekend, and my fate was already sealed even before I got the memo.
Interestingly enough, I came across this article today n the new. How apropos. Coincidence or divine intervention? You decide.
Anyway, right now I wish I had a Clonzapam or some other anti-anxiety medication. My chest feels a little tight and I'm a bit anxious. I'm also craving a nice stiff drink again no matter what the outcome may be. I want to sit under the stars in my backyard tonight and just learn to relax and take a cleansing breath. I'm still not sure if I'm angry or just don't care anylonger.
July 28, 2009
Confused
After a semi-emotional day yesterday, but able to maintain my self control overall, I came home and was able to lose myself in the television. When I'm distraught, I sometimes have a tendency to lose my appetite, and yesterday I had no breakfast, a half a sandwich for lunch, and for dinner I settled for a single bowl of Cheerios, and I was content.
By 9:30pm I was still watching TV and felt the urge to sleep coming over me as my eyelids started to weigh down on themselves. My wife called me to let me know she would be bowling an extra game or so, which I was surprised that she even called me. Generally when she is angry, she doesn't call me as a sort of 'punishment' I suppose, and to be honest, I really didn't care if she called me or not last night. I had nothing to say to her anyway that wouldn't start an argument, so the additional peace and quiet was nice.
I didn't take any pills last night, just crawled into bed and must have fell asleep by 10pm or slightly thereafter. I never heard her come at all, which is amazing because I'm generally a very light sleeper. Not only that, my dog would normally wake me up as well when he stirs, but I was out. I didn't hear anything, so I was a little surprised when I woke up this morning and glanced at the clock (5:00am) and my wife was in bed.
I fell back asleep and sometime thereafter she got up herself and made a pot of coffee. By 6:50, when I finally rousted myself out of bed and got my own cup of coffee, took my Lexapro tablet for the day, and as I came downstairs my wife asked me if I was taking time off on Thursday to go to the fair.
What?
What did I miss?
Less than 36 hours ago, she was on a spiteful, angry, and venomous diatribe against me....and now she wants to know if we are going to the fair on Thursday? She's also talking to me in a calm and rational manner, although no mention of this past weekend has come up. To say I am confused by these turn of events is an understatement and sometimes I wonder if it's just not me who has a chemical imbalance or my wife has a polarity issue herself. I answered her that I don not know what my schedule is like right now, and as much as I want to go to the fair and had been planning on it, I really don't want to with her.....not until we get some issues resolved....like what does she mean "I am done with this". I guess I will find out tonight at our session.
I left the house without saying goodbye, and oddly my mood right now is indifference. I still plan on meeting with a lawyer this Friday to find out what my option are, legally, just in case. Just as my wife proclaims that she is "done with this', I too am wondering if I have the energy anymore to put up with her family, quirks, and constant railing.
As I sit and write this entry now, I can't help but to think how uncomplicated my life would be if I had someone in my life that respected me and my family. Yeah, I wish things were different.
By 9:30pm I was still watching TV and felt the urge to sleep coming over me as my eyelids started to weigh down on themselves. My wife called me to let me know she would be bowling an extra game or so, which I was surprised that she even called me. Generally when she is angry, she doesn't call me as a sort of 'punishment' I suppose, and to be honest, I really didn't care if she called me or not last night. I had nothing to say to her anyway that wouldn't start an argument, so the additional peace and quiet was nice.
I didn't take any pills last night, just crawled into bed and must have fell asleep by 10pm or slightly thereafter. I never heard her come at all, which is amazing because I'm generally a very light sleeper. Not only that, my dog would normally wake me up as well when he stirs, but I was out. I didn't hear anything, so I was a little surprised when I woke up this morning and glanced at the clock (5:00am) and my wife was in bed.
I fell back asleep and sometime thereafter she got up herself and made a pot of coffee. By 6:50, when I finally rousted myself out of bed and got my own cup of coffee, took my Lexapro tablet for the day, and as I came downstairs my wife asked me if I was taking time off on Thursday to go to the fair.
What?
What did I miss?
Less than 36 hours ago, she was on a spiteful, angry, and venomous diatribe against me....and now she wants to know if we are going to the fair on Thursday? She's also talking to me in a calm and rational manner, although no mention of this past weekend has come up. To say I am confused by these turn of events is an understatement and sometimes I wonder if it's just not me who has a chemical imbalance or my wife has a polarity issue herself. I answered her that I don not know what my schedule is like right now, and as much as I want to go to the fair and had been planning on it, I really don't want to with her.....not until we get some issues resolved....like what does she mean "I am done with this". I guess I will find out tonight at our session.
I left the house without saying goodbye, and oddly my mood right now is indifference. I still plan on meeting with a lawyer this Friday to find out what my option are, legally, just in case. Just as my wife proclaims that she is "done with this', I too am wondering if I have the energy anymore to put up with her family, quirks, and constant railing.
As I sit and write this entry now, I can't help but to think how uncomplicated my life would be if I had someone in my life that respected me and my family. Yeah, I wish things were different.
July 27, 2009
Tired & Frustrated
I had a chance to read the first two chapters of, "So you don't want to go to church anymore."
It had been recommended to me to be a very good book, but since my overall mood as of late is a tad tainted and dark, I'm having a bit of an issue getting into it. Then again, I'm only on page 36, so I'm sure it can only get better.
It's been a few hours since my last post, and I was able to get hold of my wife by phone a few hours ago and get her to agree to a marriage session tomorrow afternoon. If not for her, then it needs to be for me.
I need to hear once again in a controlled room with a moderator on where my wife's head and emotions are at. That will help me decide my next course of action, although I will still be seeing an attorney on Friday at least to satisfy some of my own questions that would have been popping into my head.
It seems that my last few years of life has been a broken record. Please, if anyone is indeed reading this, please make sure that before you enter a relationship that you are indeed equally yoked. I've had a lot of emotional, hormonal, and mental struggles these last 5 years, and not to be a doomsayer, but that's when I got married.
Sure there are good times. And of course I love my wife. However, as the old saying goes, "If I knew then what I know now...", yes, it would be a completely different story. Somewhere the last few years I lost my manhood, not that I am a weakling by any means...I just don't like confrontation in any form, especially in the realm of what ssould be love and happiness. I also wonder how much of these thought and feelings of mine are a result from depression or a chemical imbalance, or did those come after the fact. The old chicked and the egg conundrum.
I'm headed home now....why? I don't know....I have nowhere else to go, and hanging out in a bar is counter productive and expensive. Right this moment I wise I were single.
Where am I at?
Once again, its been a while (much longer than I'd like to admit to) since I've written here, and I'd like to give one particular thank you for Jaime. Jaime, your occasional comments here and there really...encourage...me to continue writing here and exposing myself in the only capacity that I feel I can right now....safely...and to strangers.
I had a recent misstep in my medications. Once I forget to take a pill one day, it just seems to snowball and before I realize it, 4-5 days have gone by where I have forgotten to take my medications.
That's just what happened this past week, and maybe because I thought things were starting move forward again in my life, especially when it comes to the relationship with my wife.
We had been going to counselling on a semi regular basis the last few weeks and we have both made what I consider improvements, at least that's the impression I was given from my wife, but apparently there is still some deep seeded anger toward me for getting her family involved in trying to save our marriage, and as a somewhat of a shocker to me that was revealed over the weekend, she hasn't forgiven me......Not by a long shot....Some things were said to me that all I could do was to listen and try my hardest to maintain a cool head. It didn't help the situation at all that my wife a bit under the influence of the bottle when she chose to unleash on me.
I clearly recall trying my hardest, requesting at least 2-3 times to wait for a better time to have 'her' discussion with me. I say 'her', because she clearly had something to say and on her mind and no pleading will have her ever stop.
In one way I was proud of myself, and it wasn't to tease or mocker her, or try and push her buttons. I recognized very early on in her tirade that there was nothing I was go to do or say that was ever going to be in my favor or get me out of this. So my silence and cool head just brought on more ire from her. I swear, as I write this now, I still can't comprehend what exactly happened, other than she has a lot of pent up anger and rage towards many people, but I find myself the unlucky recipient to be the catcher of all of this. Sometimes, I don't think she is even mad at me, but is able to comfortably project her aggressive tones toward me.
For the few weeks we were doing so well, so it was a real disappointment and source of personal frustration this past weekend when it all seemed to unravel all over again. The names I was called, the level she was screaming at me, no other person would normally take this, and I'll admit I was very close to asking her to leave and not come back.
So with my adrenaline in high gear I took my first Clonzepam in a long time over the weekend and tried to go to bed. Unfortunately sleep did come right away and I'm back to my 4-5 hours a day sleep. I also started my Lexapro, yet again, but since it's been a week of forgetting to take them at all, I'm sure it will take another week for my system to get synced up again.
I haven't gone to church this weekend. My men's group is on hiatus for the next two months, and I just wasn't in the mood for regular service this weekend. I picked up a book, "So, you don't want to go to Church anymore" (by Jake Colsen) as it was recommended to me from a friend. I'm hoping I will get some good insight here.
Needless to say, we aren't talking to each other (I don't have anything to say because I'm mad and I think she owes me an apology) , and don't get me wrong.....I hurt and I am sad, but being thru this a few times now I'm a bit more numb to the experience this time around. I prayed last night and am currently seeking an emergency counseling session with our therapist this week, as it's not scheduled until next week.
The other big news is this morning, I rationally and calmly called an attorney. I don't want to go down this route at all, and fought it tooth and nail a few months ago. It's not the way I was raised and its a symbol of 'giving up', but I haven't given up. I just chose at my age not to be spoken to any longer like a third class citizen, some one who carries this family financially and get berated to a degree I'm embarrassed to say I've allowed. Others have told me they would have walked away some time ago, but being a Christian, it makes it very hard for me to do confrontation. So I am seeking legal advice on a 'legal separation' to find out what kind of steps I may possibly be in for. I can't even believe I am even entertaining this idea any longer, but I can't even have my mental happiness any longer and can't really remember the last time I was truly happy.
I had a recent misstep in my medications. Once I forget to take a pill one day, it just seems to snowball and before I realize it, 4-5 days have gone by where I have forgotten to take my medications.
That's just what happened this past week, and maybe because I thought things were starting move forward again in my life, especially when it comes to the relationship with my wife.
We had been going to counselling on a semi regular basis the last few weeks and we have both made what I consider improvements, at least that's the impression I was given from my wife, but apparently there is still some deep seeded anger toward me for getting her family involved in trying to save our marriage, and as a somewhat of a shocker to me that was revealed over the weekend, she hasn't forgiven me......Not by a long shot....Some things were said to me that all I could do was to listen and try my hardest to maintain a cool head. It didn't help the situation at all that my wife a bit under the influence of the bottle when she chose to unleash on me.
I clearly recall trying my hardest, requesting at least 2-3 times to wait for a better time to have 'her' discussion with me. I say 'her', because she clearly had something to say and on her mind and no pleading will have her ever stop.
In one way I was proud of myself, and it wasn't to tease or mocker her, or try and push her buttons. I recognized very early on in her tirade that there was nothing I was go to do or say that was ever going to be in my favor or get me out of this. So my silence and cool head just brought on more ire from her. I swear, as I write this now, I still can't comprehend what exactly happened, other than she has a lot of pent up anger and rage towards many people, but I find myself the unlucky recipient to be the catcher of all of this. Sometimes, I don't think she is even mad at me, but is able to comfortably project her aggressive tones toward me.
For the few weeks we were doing so well, so it was a real disappointment and source of personal frustration this past weekend when it all seemed to unravel all over again. The names I was called, the level she was screaming at me, no other person would normally take this, and I'll admit I was very close to asking her to leave and not come back.
So with my adrenaline in high gear I took my first Clonzepam in a long time over the weekend and tried to go to bed. Unfortunately sleep did come right away and I'm back to my 4-5 hours a day sleep. I also started my Lexapro, yet again, but since it's been a week of forgetting to take them at all, I'm sure it will take another week for my system to get synced up again.
I haven't gone to church this weekend. My men's group is on hiatus for the next two months, and I just wasn't in the mood for regular service this weekend. I picked up a book, "So, you don't want to go to Church anymore" (by Jake Colsen) as it was recommended to me from a friend. I'm hoping I will get some good insight here.
Needless to say, we aren't talking to each other (I don't have anything to say because I'm mad and I think she owes me an apology) , and don't get me wrong.....I hurt and I am sad, but being thru this a few times now I'm a bit more numb to the experience this time around. I prayed last night and am currently seeking an emergency counseling session with our therapist this week, as it's not scheduled until next week.
The other big news is this morning, I rationally and calmly called an attorney. I don't want to go down this route at all, and fought it tooth and nail a few months ago. It's not the way I was raised and its a symbol of 'giving up', but I haven't given up. I just chose at my age not to be spoken to any longer like a third class citizen, some one who carries this family financially and get berated to a degree I'm embarrassed to say I've allowed. Others have told me they would have walked away some time ago, but being a Christian, it makes it very hard for me to do confrontation. So I am seeking legal advice on a 'legal separation' to find out what kind of steps I may possibly be in for. I can't even believe I am even entertaining this idea any longer, but I can't even have my mental happiness any longer and can't really remember the last time I was truly happy.
July 06, 2009
A slip in medication makes for frustration
It's been a long weekend of sorts.
Because my step daughter is with us right now and with very busy days for both of us at work this past week, we decided to skip out on counseling this past Tuesday.
And then somewhere around Saturday the 3rd, I realized I had forgotten to take my Lexapro for two days and figured when I got home I'd get right back on. Well, I screwed up. It just donned on me that because of all the hoopla surrounding a three day holiday weekend and neighbors bounding in and out galore, that I have now not taken any Lexapro for 4 days now and thus have thrown off my cycle.
It makes a little sense now to me as to why yesterday I was a bit grumpier than usual. Little things started to get under my skin again, but I was chalking that up to the heat and stress of work. I'm sure that those both contributed to my overall mood, but being off the meds now for four days has to have made an impact, and not a favorable one. Even though I got plenty of sleep last night, and like I said, just came off a 3 day weekend...I've noticed how much people at work have gotten to me today and it really isn't their fault. Hopefully, I'll remember when I get home and jump back on the meds, but it may now take a good solid week before I get back on track.
We are supposed to have another 3 day weekend this upcoming week and hopefully by then I'll feel better.
Overall tension at my house has been building again, probably moreso on my end. Like I stated earlier, my step-daughter has been with us for almost a week and a half now and the typical teenager attitude has been grating on me much more than it has my wife. But at least I'm smart enought to recognize that and thus decided to leave the house and sequester myself for a few hours on 'alone' time, elsewise I suspect I may have said something I may or may not regret. I suppose at her age of 17, I expect a little more cooperation on things in general, but that doesn't seem to be happening (unless there is something in it for her), and I can feel my patience dwindling. Even my wife finally said something to me very briefly this morning, and I had to take a step back and explain it's a combination of things, not all my stepdaughter, but she definetly isn't making matters easier either.
Finally, once again I skipped church this weekend. Both regular service and mens bible study, and I've really been feeling it deep within. I also feel the struggles and temptations of the world as well, and really do notice when I am not having my spirit fed. It's making it easier for me to slide down the slope of sin and think things I really should really be avoiding in a secular world. It doesn't help matters that I'll also be gone next week as well, so chalk that up to 3 weeks in a row now. Sigh.
Because my step daughter is with us right now and with very busy days for both of us at work this past week, we decided to skip out on counseling this past Tuesday.
And then somewhere around Saturday the 3rd, I realized I had forgotten to take my Lexapro for two days and figured when I got home I'd get right back on. Well, I screwed up. It just donned on me that because of all the hoopla surrounding a three day holiday weekend and neighbors bounding in and out galore, that I have now not taken any Lexapro for 4 days now and thus have thrown off my cycle.
It makes a little sense now to me as to why yesterday I was a bit grumpier than usual. Little things started to get under my skin again, but I was chalking that up to the heat and stress of work. I'm sure that those both contributed to my overall mood, but being off the meds now for four days has to have made an impact, and not a favorable one. Even though I got plenty of sleep last night, and like I said, just came off a 3 day weekend...I've noticed how much people at work have gotten to me today and it really isn't their fault. Hopefully, I'll remember when I get home and jump back on the meds, but it may now take a good solid week before I get back on track.
We are supposed to have another 3 day weekend this upcoming week and hopefully by then I'll feel better.
Overall tension at my house has been building again, probably moreso on my end. Like I stated earlier, my step-daughter has been with us for almost a week and a half now and the typical teenager attitude has been grating on me much more than it has my wife. But at least I'm smart enought to recognize that and thus decided to leave the house and sequester myself for a few hours on 'alone' time, elsewise I suspect I may have said something I may or may not regret. I suppose at her age of 17, I expect a little more cooperation on things in general, but that doesn't seem to be happening (unless there is something in it for her), and I can feel my patience dwindling. Even my wife finally said something to me very briefly this morning, and I had to take a step back and explain it's a combination of things, not all my stepdaughter, but she definetly isn't making matters easier either.
Finally, once again I skipped church this weekend. Both regular service and mens bible study, and I've really been feeling it deep within. I also feel the struggles and temptations of the world as well, and really do notice when I am not having my spirit fed. It's making it easier for me to slide down the slope of sin and think things I really should really be avoiding in a secular world. It doesn't help matters that I'll also be gone next week as well, so chalk that up to 3 weeks in a row now. Sigh.
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