When it rains.....

Amazing on how life can throw unexpected curveballs that can have you on cloud 9 one minute, and then grasping for a grip on sanity the very next day.

The Enemy, or his minions, know just when to pounce making sure that our highs and basking in God's favor don't last as long as we allow for a crack in our armor.

So has been the last 12 hours.

As I wrote Monday, I had an exceptional weekend.  One of the best I've had in a long, long time.  Realizing for the first time in months what it feels like to be alive and on the road to recovery and happiness again.  But of course the Enemy can't stand it....and my shame is that I allow him to strip it away just when I think I'm gaining any amount of strength at all.

It started last night at 8pm.  Out of the blue, my wife texted me that she wanted me to gather all her mail and bring it to the neighbors house.  The neighbor who wants nothing to do with me, who can't look at me, who told me she doesn't want to be involved in our marital affairs, yet my wife wants me to bring her mail to her.

My wife has had 2 months to file a change of address request with the USPS.  She has had 2 months to contact all her CC companies and everyone else via her computer, or phone, or whatever nad make these changes.  In the few times she's even been on our street, and I left her mail out with her clothes in boxes she decided not to pick any of it up...and now, she wants it.

It wasn't more than within 5 minutes of her first text, she sent me another text wondering why I hadn't responded yet.  Yes, 5 minutes as if she expects me to drop everything and say "How high" when she says jump.  This is the same woman who beats me over the head about patience, or repsonds to me at her own leisurely pace, now wants me to respond immediately. 

I told her numerous times before, I don't do 'texts' with her.  If she wants to say something to me, she can put her big girl dress on and call me.

Well, 10 minutes after that, while I was in the shower she called the house phone and left a message.  This time her tone had changed and was a little bit more agressive.  I suppose since I didn't answer the phone immediately, she called and left an increasingly hostile message on my cell phone, followed by an even more upsetting text within minutes of that stating that I was not showing her common courtesy.

"Courtesy" was the word she used.

Funny how this is so one-sided.  Where was her courtesy when she up and left with no 'real' explanation?  Where was her courtesy when she left me to pay 'her' bills?  Where was her courtesy when she 'promised' 4x now that she would deposit money for her share of the Federal taxes?  Where was her courtesy when she swore at my mother and hers? 

And my courtesy is in question because I didn't repsond to her 2 phone calls and 3 texts within an hour?

Anyway, it irritated me.  No, it made me mad.  She has the uncanny ability to push my buttons and get under my skin and the most random of moments.  It worked me up enough before I went to bed that sleeping was now going to be difficult....and it was.

Wanting to cheer myself up in my lonely house, I decided to give my divorced friend a call just to say "Hi" and hear a friendly voice.  I didn't know she had stepped out of the room and left her phone with her ex-husband on the couch next to him. (Yes, even though they are divorced she still lives with him in a seperate bedroom until she starts working again, and can save money to move out. Her plan was to save up enough by the Holidays so she can move in January).

Well, as luck would have it, her ex saw my name pop up on her phone.  And although I only left a 10 second voice mail message, she later wrote to me that night that he accused her of starting a relationship.  First and foremost, we are just friends at this time.  We both understand each others situation and said we may explore things down the road, but that my divorce needs to be finalized and she needs to get back on her feet.  I absolutely agree.  My call had every intention of being innocent.  I decided not to repsond, go to bed, and lay low for a while.

Fast forward to 2:30am where I awoke via another nightmare.  This one did in fact have demonic overtones to it and I stayed up until 4:30 this morning praying on all subjects....primarily for my peace, my wife, my friend an her situation at home, and not to get ahead of myself.

I awoke at 6am this morning to find yet another email from my friend stating that her ex-husband has requested that she move out of the house in 3 weeks from now, if not sooner.  She of course is devestated, and while she says I am not to blame and it's not my fault, I couldn't help but break down in tears this morning wondering if this was my fault.  It was not my intention and even though their divorce has been final for months, I imagine he has some jealous tendancies and wishes to punish her.  She went on to say (even though this is very premature) that she dreams of moving back by January.  Now things have suddenly flipped on a dime and she will contact me in the future.

Are you f'n kidding me?

I awoke to tears, feeling sorry for myself anyway on a lack of sleep and demonic dreams.  I am so lonely in my house and in the span of 9 hours my wife went Rambo on me, and now my friends ex is kicking her out because my name came up on her cell.  She says she never leaves her phone alone, expect this one time last night. Horrible, horrible timing and while it is just random fate, the guilt I have imposed on myself had me running to take my first Xanax in about a month.

Finally, my nephew wrote me a letter this morning.  This is my SIL's oldest boy.  He has never written me before.  His email simply stated "Dear Uncle..I'm very sorry for what's going on in your life right now.  I just want you to know that whatever happens, you're still my Uncle."

I F'N lost it.

I have known this young man for 10 years, and today he writes me his first 2 sentences, and I just lost it.  It was so sweet, and so honest, and so pure.

God....what the heck is your plan for me?  Why God?  Why?