What was that all about?

Yesterday was a very odd day for me.

Often my entries are very fresh...if I'm at a keyboard, they are in the heat of the moment....raw and unedited.

After I signed off yesterday I was looking forward to going to the gym and burn off that negative energy. As I drove to the gym, I saw a car in front of me that had a bumper sticker from a company called (of all things) 'Christ Bumpers'...and it had a message from both old and new testaments that seemed to minister to me, although seemingly by coincidence.

Needing some additional uplifting, I turned to the Christian radio station and the message was regarding those that are exposed over and over and over to the good news, yet still reject it. Too bad I only caught the tail end of it, but just these brief ten minutes or so seemed to give me some comfort.

I went to the gym and rode the bike for 30 minutes, increasing the resistance by a notch and noted that my endurance is indeed improving. There's no way I could do level 10 for 30 minutes 6 weeks ago. It was more like level 8 for 15 minutes, then 20 minutes, then 25 all the while while increasing the resistance as well.

Last night my wife had softball (her team won by the way), so I was alone with my dog for about 2 hours. It was nice. I got to catch up on some shows I had previously taped, but I got to play with my dog. For being 5.5 years old, he was like a puppy last night....being goofy and silly and we had a good time. After we played he snuggled up with me on the couch as I lay down...and he lay next to me.....not hard for him to do when I'm gently petting him.

It's what the doctor ordered....at least for the moment.

Last night I did have a 'uncomfortable' dream though. It wasn't a nightmare or disturbing. It was about my college friends from 20 years ago. I just happened to walk into a night spot and noted a very close group of my friends there obviosuly for a party I wasn't invited to. I could tell at first they were all a bit uncomfortable that I just happened to be there, not because they didn't like me or want me there, but more so they were embarassed in fact I wasn't invited. The reason was that the 'organizer', an old friend of mine, had decided to exclude me from his life (true story) without ever saying why.

I know this sounds odd, but its a true story. I have/had a friend I used to hang out with in college and about 10 years ago he just wrote me off with no explanation. I wrack my brain to this day wondering what happened. Was it something I did? Something I said? The fact that I am the polar opposite of his politcal viewpoint and even perhaps his religious viewpoints? I don't know.

I suppose I could write him a letter, try to extend the olive branch to know what I did...or didn't do...but I've been afraid. I'm afraid I may hear something I don't want to hear. I want to be a man about this, but there's something to that old saying "somethings are better left unsaid." Or that old movie, A Few Good Men. "You can't handle the truth!" Maybe.

I'm a very sensitive man,a nd the last thing I hate to do is to hurt anyone or disapoint them. I've asked mutual friends of our why I was written off, but either they are trying to protect me, or truly do not know.

Anyway, I look back at our relationship.....and we are opposites. It's not that he is a bad person...not at all. He's a loving husband and father and very smart. But we do not agree in politics (at all), and I'm pretty sure he's agnostic and may think I'm too religious for him. The thing is, I really don't espouse my beliefs unless someone asks. I am not a rolemodel for the faithful, nor am I on street corners condemning the masses. If I did, I'd start with the man in the mirror.

I really don't know and it's one of those open ended mysteries that plagues me. Why it came to a head in my dreams last night, I have no idea.

I'm sure I will dwell on this for a bit today, off and on...that's who I am...but it will pass in time until my next mental crisis.

That being said, I'm in a better emotional state today.

Oh, and today I was 223.8 lbs. Yay.

Emotional day

Today seems like an abberation of the past few weeks.

For the first time since the new year, I seem to be extremely emotional today, and not of the happy go-lucky sort.

I woke up cold (it was 62 in the house), and sore (took the last few days off from the gym) as I've been more achy than usual. The only good news is my wiegh in this morning has me at 224, and yesterday I was 223.8, so I breached the 225 barrier of the last two weeks. You'd think I'd be elated, but instead I just seemed....introspective and docile.

I didn't want to come to work again today and while I was a bit busier than I had been the last two weeks, it hasn't been enough to make this day go by any faster. Actually the last 2 hours seemed like 4.

Okay, back to my emotions. I've run the gamut of being disgusted, mad, sad, crying, lonely, angry, and judgemental to some degree. Not at anyone person or thing that I can pin it all on, but just in general.

I had fantasies of being alone again this morning, with the random thoughts of "Why did I get married again?" I know it's Valentines day next Monday, but I think we're both kinda ignoring it for some reason. She has bowlinng and I just don't want to spend the money. My wife did hurt my feelings the other day. Out of the blue she said I wasn't 'spontaneous' anymore. This really bothered me, and still does.

I don't know how many times I have attempted to be spontaneous, just to be shot down numerous times to the point I just kinda gave up and decided I gotta do more stuff to keep me busy. She wasn't trying to be mean or start an argument with me...it just sorta came out of her mouth....and it's been nagging me for days now. Of course, like an idiot, I countered "Ha...that's rich. When was the last time you were spontaneous? I could name 100 things where you'd be pressed to name 5." The rest of our drive back home was pretty quiet and neither one of us have brought it up since, but I haven't let it go yet.

I've been having dreams of old friends again....those that I've lost touch with....and don't know why. That is, I don't know why we drifted apart, but we did and it saddens me.

I read a passage in a book today about a man, very similar to myself, who lost his dog unexpectdely after 10 years. I cried. I cried very hard and I just pray to God that pets do have souls and go to heaven, or that I'll see my dog again some day in the afterlife. He's 5 years old and I love him more than you can imagine. He has been my saving grace, and even as I type this, my eyes are watering up again.

Remember when I said I need to stop reading the news? Yeah, I can't even follow my own advice. I read a story today about a teenage mom who gave birth to a baby and left it abandoned in a public portable outhouse outside a circus. A groundskeeper found the baby close to death and had it rushed to teh hospital suffering from hypothermia. Can you imagine being dumped off in a toilet at birth?

Then what about the whale that was hit by a boat and has a broken back in the bay area?

God, please hear my prayers today. This world is cruel, and sick, and we all suffer from loss.

I need to go now.

Friday update

Heh, what a boring title. I wanted to try an be cute, but maybe it's too early in the morning for my creative side to be functioning.

I ended up going to the gym last night and rode the bike for a full 30 minutes. Afterwards I did about 15 minutes of legs, came home and mae myslef a pretty lean steak sandwich with lettuce, tomato, red onion, and a slice of swiss on flax multigrain flatbread chased with a large glass of water. Dessert was fat free butterscoth pudding made with 2% milk.

So why am I telling you this? Well, I'm still sore as heck, but had two decent nights of solid sleep, but this morning I weighed in ar 224.6 lbs. I have officially broke the 225 barrier and haven't weighed this in almost 4 or 5 years. My goal is still 216 by mid March, so I have just under 10 lbs to go in the next 5-6 weeks (or 2 lbs a week).

What do I miss most? I actually have these 10 minute periods where the craving for an ice cold beer is all consuming. But generally if I do something else, I can make. That's not to say if my friends didn't come over and put a beer in front of me....well....I'd probably drink it. I also still miss 'crunchy' food.

Still a bit cool here but supposed to warm up this weekend. One of my friends finally decided to have a small Super Bowl gathering that we'll be attending so after work tonight I'll be going to the grocery store to pick up my contribution (undetermined at this point), but I'm also going to pick up meat for sausage. I figure tonight I'll grind meat and marinate, and tomorrow I'll stuff casings. If I can get this done in the morning, I can go to the gym, and still maybe make it to Home Depot to pick up my train layout supplies as well. I hope this will be a productive weekend for me.

I'm officially 1 month into 'Taking it Back', and so far, I'm pretty happy with the results....and the nice thing is...they are of my own making this time.

Hump day update

Wow, look at me....on a roll with updates this past week.

I'm super sore today. Last night I went 110% on bombing my shoulders and even did some legs at the gym. Years ago I had huge legs. I wasn't the fasted person in the world (I hate and loathe running of any sort), but I can remember both Highschool Football and soccer coaches were interested in me based on my legs alone.

In college I blew out my knee. Torn ACL and meniscus. Long recovery, but that was back in '93-'94. Today, I just don't work out my legs that much anymore, but last night I wanted to change it up at the gym (I'm already getting sick and tired of the bike for 25-30 min), so I decided to do calves, hamstrings, and quads. Wow is all I can say. My quads are just a former shaodw of themselves and I was even surprised on how little weight I can do these days compared to yesteryear.

Anyway, I woke up this morning and I'm sore....I mean sore. Not really my legs, but my shoulders. Bought some protein powder for a post work-out drink, had a baked potatoe and single breast of chicken topped with just salsa last night. This morning was one packet of oatmeal and flaxseed. My weight.....225.8 (still down from my inital 237), but I really haven't budged the last few days. Was it the pizza Friday night? The two beers I had on Sunday? I don't know, but I have to be extra dilligent the remainder of this week. I'm hoping to be 224 by Sunday without starving myself.

Wife is playing her first softball game tonight at 8:50pm. I'm pretty sure the field closes at 10pm so hopefully everyone will go home afterwards and I won't have to worry about her grabbing beers at 10:30, But even if she does, I have to not let it get to me.

Work has picked up a bit, but not enough to make the day super meaningful. Still bored, but the 8 hour stretch now seems like only 5-6.

Saturday, I may go to Home Depot to buy the basic 2x6's, clamps, screws, and what not to start my train layout. I measured the room this morning and while 4' x 8' just looks huge for a N-scale train, I may just settle for 3' x 6' or 7'. I have a folding table in their now which is 2.5' x 6' and that's just to shallow. Amazing what 6" more making it 3' can do. I have a friend who said he may be available later in the day to help me bring the wood back in his truck as I don't think a sheet of plywood will fit in mine.

I'm also contemeplating making sausage Saturday as well. With Superbowl this weekend, all the grocery stores in my area are having fantastic sales on meat, so I have to at least buy pork and beef on Saturday if I don't make it. I have no idea what I'm really doing for Saturday.

Speaking of Superbowl.....so far, we have no plans. In the past we've usually been invited to parties, or have thrown 1 or 2 small ones ourselves over the years, but as of today....nothing. I hope we get together with someone. I like to chat and watch the commercials with friends, but so far, there is no word, so unsure if we'll be alone this weekend or not. It may be better for my diet if we are alone.....the temptation of having beer and buffalo wings, chips & dip and other crap may just ruin my progress this week.

Egypt: I'm so lost

Yes, this post is way out of left field but what's been going on Egypt the last week has me completely baffeled.

Despite everything I talk about or share here, I normally don't comment on world events. It's not because I live in a bubble. You'd be surprised to learn that I'm pretty much a news junkie....and maybe one of the reasons I've been prone to depression.

This may be a generalization, but I tend to beleive that most news that we watch, read, or hear about leans towards the negative. Most headlines or lead stories today overwhelmingly have a 'dire' outcome and are over sensationalized. It seems for every one feel good story, or article for hope and human kindness, it is quickly outnumbered by those full of death, disease, destruction, corruption, crime, sexual immorality, whatever.

I'm not sure I'm the biggest fan of the digital age, that news is at our fingertips 24/7. I almost feel we are too conencted. It was only less than 75 years ago that news sometimes took a few days to reach us. Even with the introductions of the telephone, televisions, film camera's, etc., it still seemed to take a bit of time for 'world' events to hit the common person. I think of the films of the 50's where children were sheltered and thier biggest concern was if it was a snow day. Women wondered about what was happening at the local salon, and in general we were all just a bit more isolated.

Then came cell phones, and satellites, and the Internet. Now it's iPad's, and Facebook, and Smart Phones, and GPS in your car. Yes, the technology is great and it stands for progress and moving us forward, but mankind has allowed information to flow too freely. We hear of cyber-bullying (a term that wasn't around 10 years ago). We hear about 'sexting', and all the drivel from wannabe armchair politicians from Twitter and most of it is from reality stars or musicians.

I've often said 'ignorance can indeed be bliss', and we all may be just a little happier if we just stopped listening to the news for a few days.

But I'm guilty of not following my own advice. See, I get bored very easily, especially when it's slow at work. My smart phone doesn't help now that I get CNN updates to my phone a few times a day to keep me abreast of what's going on. I'll be the first to admit, relucantly, that I'm pretty plugged in (I think this comes out of my natural tendency to analyze and raw curiosity) to the world. I'm pretty well informed about about current events.

But Egypt has taken me completely off guard.

I understand the Egyptian people want the gov't ousted. But what started this? Why now? What do the people really want? And other than unstability in oil prices for us, what is the immediate, intermediate, and long term global impact?

I've tried to read a few articles on both CNN and Fox, listen to a few interviews on AM radio....but I still feel cluless. It scares me a bit even though it's on the other side of the world. That whole region of the middle east....it never ending chaos and has been for thousands of years. Granted, I'm not muslim, and this may be a generalization, but for a region that is predominatly muslim, they sure hate each other as much as they hate the west and Christianity.

Oh, there's blights Christianity as well (Crusades anybody?), but this part of the world just can't seem to get it after 3000+ years, let alone our measly 225.

Birthing pains for the end as foretold in Revaltions?

I really need to stop listening to the news for my own sanity.