...who's counting?
Apparently I am.
Perhaps that's why I awoke in a foul mood this morning.
Last night, I came home and filled my bath tub with hot water and Epsom salts and soaked for about 20 minutes before I stood and showered off. I wanted to try and relax, but I gues I was thinking and concentrating so hard on wanting to relax, my mind really wouldn't let me.
I felt a little awkward sitting in the tub, replacing my aforementioned tumbler of whisky (I didn't have any) with a beer and tried to lean back and close my eyes. How do women do it? How do you relax? I just couldn't seem to get comfortable...sliding about, never finding a 'correct' position.
The closest I came to ever feeling relaxed was a pipe-dream of me sitting poolside at a resort in the desert, cold drink in hand. Sadly, it's windy, cold, gloomy and dark at 5:30 these days. I can only see myself enjoying this day dream at teh bare minimum 3-4 months from now. *sigh*
The only thing I can say is that if it wasn't for the fact I had to feed my dog, and then make a clumsy dinner for myself, my legs did feel slightly rejuvinated. I'm not sure if it was the soaking in salts or all in my head, but my legs did feel better temporarily. But then the phone rang numerous times. My aunt called 3 times and I never answered...I spoke with her the day before and everything with her is some drawn out ordeal and I just didn't want to speak with anyone. My mom called too. I ignored her as well.
Do you know how hard it is to relax, especially when you plan on it, and then the phone won't stop ringing? It's liek Murphy's Law or the universe in conspiring against any semblance of peace I desire. My 'divorced' female friend also called me from outta state to let me know she was possibly moving into the area towards the end of January. I have no idea what that means for 'us'...if there even is an 'us' anymore, and I listened to her woes about her ex wanting to keep the kids in his current state. I guess time will tell, and I'll deal with that bridge if and when it actually comes to fruition.
So where was I? Oh, so I awoke this morning at 5am and it dawned on me it was 9 months today my wife walked out. Awesome. Christmas is in 5 days and I have no spirit. I don't even know how I can last the next two days at work....probably hour by painful hour.
I've also been off my pills for a few weeks now...and while some side effects have finally dissapeared (i.e. bloating), I can once again tell I am super moody. My dad came over thsi morning at 7:30am, just before I left, to walk my dog...and he started asking me all these simplistic questions I know we have discussed numerous times before....and I'm trying to maintain both my composure and my patience. He then began pointing out my windows need to be washed....Really? You want me to wash them even though the forecast calls for rain and you don't live here? Oh and thanks for pointing out I have a 'few' glasses out on my counter and not in the sink.
How do single mothers do it? I mean I work all day, come home, walk my dog....then need to find time to cook dinner, clean up, vacuum, laundry, shower, feed the dog, get/open mail, shop, lack of sleep, etc....I am one person. If I could have 8 days a week I'd take it, but you're going to come over and now nag and nit-pick at my day to day house chores. Sure, let me pull another hour of tranquility I have set aside out of my arse and make sure my house is tidy for the one hour you are here to walk the dog.
Yeah...that too (above) is an over reaction. I told you, I'm a little bitch today.
December 20, 2012
December 19, 2012
What Dreams May Come
My slumber has been plagued with unpleasant dreams as of late.
Over the course of the last 2 weeks, I have had no less than 7 dreams regarding my estranged wife. So I'm averaging one psuedo nightmare once every two nights. So 'nightmare' may be a bit strong, so lets just say they contained very 'life-like' experiences that were not pleasing or made me uncomfortable.
Of course they dealt with our relationship, or recent lack-of.
I think about all the hours I've prayed, the hours spent in various public and private forums: Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, men's groups, licensed therapists, positive reinforcement from friends and family....and I guess on a subconscious level. I'm pretty traumatized or messed up.
I wonder if all the stuff in my head the last few years that led me to depression, general unhappiness, and final resorting to "happy" pills was an offshoot, or manifestation, of deep down feelings I had or didn't have in reagrds to marital "love".
I spoke with my mom last night via phone, and I had to admit to her that my definition of intimate love with a mate, is tainted and corrupt now. I know it's still new and raw, but I seriously don't know how people recover once their hearts have been broken. I understand at some rudimentary level now when I hear actual cases of peoples health diminishing and in some rare cases people dying because of a "broken heart".
As of this writing, my wife would have walked out for supposed greener pastures 9 months tomorrow. We have not spoken to each other now in two weeks. Every time I think of her, I have a bag of emotions: hurt, frustration, disapointment, anger.....but not hate. No, I don't hate her. I was involved with her for just over 10 years. I may question every poor decision she has made over and over again in my head, never really satisfied with any single answer....And I continually question myself why I allowed this to go on for so long. Out of fear? Out of rejection? Out of lack of confidence?
I can't presume to know one iota on what is going on in her mind. Where her true emotions are. I may never know. It flips flops. One week she wants to reconcile and tell me how much she changed, how much she misses me, how she still loves me. The next week she doesn't speak to me, blames me and my family for her shortcomings, becomes difficult, etc.
I've seen her cry in person in regards to our relationship. But in all honesty, I really don't know if they are real or crocodile tears in knowing I'm not going to be manipulated anylonger, not be an open checkbook, not going to put up with this shit.
There's the impasse....my inability to decipher or determine what she says today is real and heartfelt, or not...just another sham. In listening to her family from months ago (they have since back tracked and changed their tune), my family, and mutual friends...they have gone on to use words to describe her with not so kind definitions or descriptors. So why am I having such a hard time digesting the overwhelming evidence and advice?
I bought some Epsom salts yesterday. The overnight temperature hit the mid 30's where I live. It's expected to be both windy and cold again tonight. I am going to the store after work and treat myself to a nice bottle of whisky...something that has not been in my house in a while now. I am going to sit in a tub, soak in hot Epsom salts, and sip a nice whisky on the rocks. It's a poor mans spa day.
I just want the dreams to stop.
Over the course of the last 2 weeks, I have had no less than 7 dreams regarding my estranged wife. So I'm averaging one psuedo nightmare once every two nights. So 'nightmare' may be a bit strong, so lets just say they contained very 'life-like' experiences that were not pleasing or made me uncomfortable.
Of course they dealt with our relationship, or recent lack-of.
I think about all the hours I've prayed, the hours spent in various public and private forums: Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, men's groups, licensed therapists, positive reinforcement from friends and family....and I guess on a subconscious level. I'm pretty traumatized or messed up.
I wonder if all the stuff in my head the last few years that led me to depression, general unhappiness, and final resorting to "happy" pills was an offshoot, or manifestation, of deep down feelings I had or didn't have in reagrds to marital "love".
I spoke with my mom last night via phone, and I had to admit to her that my definition of intimate love with a mate, is tainted and corrupt now. I know it's still new and raw, but I seriously don't know how people recover once their hearts have been broken. I understand at some rudimentary level now when I hear actual cases of peoples health diminishing and in some rare cases people dying because of a "broken heart".
As of this writing, my wife would have walked out for supposed greener pastures 9 months tomorrow. We have not spoken to each other now in two weeks. Every time I think of her, I have a bag of emotions: hurt, frustration, disapointment, anger.....but not hate. No, I don't hate her. I was involved with her for just over 10 years. I may question every poor decision she has made over and over again in my head, never really satisfied with any single answer....And I continually question myself why I allowed this to go on for so long. Out of fear? Out of rejection? Out of lack of confidence?
I can't presume to know one iota on what is going on in her mind. Where her true emotions are. I may never know. It flips flops. One week she wants to reconcile and tell me how much she changed, how much she misses me, how she still loves me. The next week she doesn't speak to me, blames me and my family for her shortcomings, becomes difficult, etc.
I've seen her cry in person in regards to our relationship. But in all honesty, I really don't know if they are real or crocodile tears in knowing I'm not going to be manipulated anylonger, not be an open checkbook, not going to put up with this shit.
There's the impasse....my inability to decipher or determine what she says today is real and heartfelt, or not...just another sham. In listening to her family from months ago (they have since back tracked and changed their tune), my family, and mutual friends...they have gone on to use words to describe her with not so kind definitions or descriptors. So why am I having such a hard time digesting the overwhelming evidence and advice?
I bought some Epsom salts yesterday. The overnight temperature hit the mid 30's where I live. It's expected to be both windy and cold again tonight. I am going to the store after work and treat myself to a nice bottle of whisky...something that has not been in my house in a while now. I am going to sit in a tub, soak in hot Epsom salts, and sip a nice whisky on the rocks. It's a poor mans spa day.
I just want the dreams to stop.
December 18, 2012
'Tis not the season
I've been super stressed out the last two plus weeks.
The days just sort of blend into each other right now, and there isn't much to be joyous about. I coudl literally sit here for hours and unload upon various topics. Probably one of the reasons why I haven't posted in a few days.....there are so many topics I want to 'express' or 'vent', and I just don't know where to begin.
First and foremost is the recent massacre in CT in regards to the 20 toddlers and 6 adults. As a conservative, I don't know why I am surprised...I expected the backlash from the left on gun control, but I have kept relatively quiet on it. Personally, I don't think it is a "gun" issue...that's my opinion...you don't have to like it, or agree with it, but I think it's a "sick" person issue. There have been so many Memes and posters on the web from celebrities and the left showing statistics on how many people are subject to gun violence here in the states...and I will agree...it staggering.
But it's easy to point at the guns. They are tangible objects, and the weapons that are used. However, I think it's our nations morale decay and acceptance of everything these days. And more importantly the increasing rejection of God in our day-to-day lives. What many of these 'cute' Memes and posters fail to point out is that Mexico has had a ban on guns for years...and they are one of the highest ranked violent countries with thosuands dying every year from guns...So I ask...How is that ban working out for them? It's also no surprise to me that gun critics pick and choose statistics that fit their agenda, and blatantly biased.
Did you know Israel arms many of their teachers? Most teachers are trained and carry weapons in plain sight over there, and when was the last time your heard about a school shooting over in Israel? Probably never.
Personally I don't own gun. I really don't. It just seems expensive, and a 'possible' threat in my house...so I don't own one. I will also say as a conservative, that I do not understand the need for assault rifles and military grade machine guns in our country. If I were to change any of the laws here, it would be a ban on those guns such as M-16s, or AK-47s. But theoretically, they are already tough to get....except if you are a bad guy. Just ask any gang member in any inner-city, or Mexican drug cartel person, or doomsday prepper. There's a saying: "When there's a will, there's a way."..so those individuals who want those guns, will eventually get them...And if they don't....well other things kill people just as easily. Just ask Timothy McVeigh...Using fertilizer, and a rented van, he killed many people in Oklahoma just as easily...without a gun. Oh, and the same government that is up in a tizzy about this, is the same adminsitration that 'lost' even worse guns during the ongoing "Fast & Furious" debacle and let them fall into the hands of south of the border cartels.
So again, I'm not sure if it's about guns.
It's about people with nothing else to lose in life. Who are mentally checked out. Where time and time again, the warning signs were there, but society shunned them. They felt rejected from family, friends, work. They didn't fit in. And if they didn't fit in, why did no one take note and try to offer them love or a helping hand?
Because we are slowly....but surely...turning into a society who has turned their backs on religion. Various groups mock any religion. And with the mocking comes the laws. Remove the 10 commandments from the schools and courtrooms. Remove the crosses from the cemetaries. Remove the nativity scenes from the downtown square. Remove the word "Christmas" and replace it with "Holiday". No one should be offended, so lets remove everything our fore-fathers fought for, and our Military defends. No more Pledge of Alleigance in class. No more church clubs on campus...we need to make way for gay clubs, transgender clubs, pass out condoms, etc.
Okay...you may have thought (or are thinking) I have lost my own mind. But take a few minutes and look around. Do you make an effort to greet your neighbors everyday, or are you on your cell phone? Do you read to your kids at night and play family cames with them, or do you give them a Nintendo 3DS and ship them off to a quiet place in the house? Do you take your kids to church, even if you don't believe yoruself, or do you tell them it fairy tales and those showing compassion from the Good Book are crackpots? Do you stand up to your city council when they threaten to take away the Christmas trees, the minoras, the crosses, or are your watching Housewives of New Jersey or Honey Boo-Boo.
We are increasingly becoming more and more detached from one another.
Ask yourself,...how was our society different 20, 20, 50 years ago? Do kids curse more today than they did when your parents were that age? Was there that many drugs and sexually transmitted diseases? Were their noses buried in Twitter and Facebook, or did they actually talk to people...face-to-face?
Was politics, either left or right so ingrained in everything we do? Sure people will always have strong opinions...but they weren't always so laced with profanity, threats, and lack of manners.
I really feel for the families. I do. I pray for them. I don't wish that on anyone. I do believe these 20 children are with God right now...and I'd like to think they will be eternally happy and joyish, even if their lives were cut short here...but this world is corrupt...and just is getting more disgusting by the day.
I think it's ironic that all the news anchors, pundits, politicians all start off by saying "Our prayers are with the American people tonight." Aren't these the same people who otherwise nightly want religion out of our daily lives...that pesky Jesus and God and those commandments out of public view. But when bad stuff happens, we ask "Where was God in this?"
I ask..."Where were you when God tried calling you?"
I don't think God left us.....we chose as a country, to leave Him.
The days just sort of blend into each other right now, and there isn't much to be joyous about. I coudl literally sit here for hours and unload upon various topics. Probably one of the reasons why I haven't posted in a few days.....there are so many topics I want to 'express' or 'vent', and I just don't know where to begin.
First and foremost is the recent massacre in CT in regards to the 20 toddlers and 6 adults. As a conservative, I don't know why I am surprised...I expected the backlash from the left on gun control, but I have kept relatively quiet on it. Personally, I don't think it is a "gun" issue...that's my opinion...you don't have to like it, or agree with it, but I think it's a "sick" person issue. There have been so many Memes and posters on the web from celebrities and the left showing statistics on how many people are subject to gun violence here in the states...and I will agree...it staggering.
But it's easy to point at the guns. They are tangible objects, and the weapons that are used. However, I think it's our nations morale decay and acceptance of everything these days. And more importantly the increasing rejection of God in our day-to-day lives. What many of these 'cute' Memes and posters fail to point out is that Mexico has had a ban on guns for years...and they are one of the highest ranked violent countries with thosuands dying every year from guns...So I ask...How is that ban working out for them? It's also no surprise to me that gun critics pick and choose statistics that fit their agenda, and blatantly biased.
Did you know Israel arms many of their teachers? Most teachers are trained and carry weapons in plain sight over there, and when was the last time your heard about a school shooting over in Israel? Probably never.
Personally I don't own gun. I really don't. It just seems expensive, and a 'possible' threat in my house...so I don't own one. I will also say as a conservative, that I do not understand the need for assault rifles and military grade machine guns in our country. If I were to change any of the laws here, it would be a ban on those guns such as M-16s, or AK-47s. But theoretically, they are already tough to get....except if you are a bad guy. Just ask any gang member in any inner-city, or Mexican drug cartel person, or doomsday prepper. There's a saying: "When there's a will, there's a way."..so those individuals who want those guns, will eventually get them...And if they don't....well other things kill people just as easily. Just ask Timothy McVeigh...Using fertilizer, and a rented van, he killed many people in Oklahoma just as easily...without a gun. Oh, and the same government that is up in a tizzy about this, is the same adminsitration that 'lost' even worse guns during the ongoing "Fast & Furious" debacle and let them fall into the hands of south of the border cartels.
So again, I'm not sure if it's about guns.
It's about people with nothing else to lose in life. Who are mentally checked out. Where time and time again, the warning signs were there, but society shunned them. They felt rejected from family, friends, work. They didn't fit in. And if they didn't fit in, why did no one take note and try to offer them love or a helping hand?
Because we are slowly....but surely...turning into a society who has turned their backs on religion. Various groups mock any religion. And with the mocking comes the laws. Remove the 10 commandments from the schools and courtrooms. Remove the crosses from the cemetaries. Remove the nativity scenes from the downtown square. Remove the word "Christmas" and replace it with "Holiday". No one should be offended, so lets remove everything our fore-fathers fought for, and our Military defends. No more Pledge of Alleigance in class. No more church clubs on campus...we need to make way for gay clubs, transgender clubs, pass out condoms, etc.
Okay...you may have thought (or are thinking) I have lost my own mind. But take a few minutes and look around. Do you make an effort to greet your neighbors everyday, or are you on your cell phone? Do you read to your kids at night and play family cames with them, or do you give them a Nintendo 3DS and ship them off to a quiet place in the house? Do you take your kids to church, even if you don't believe yoruself, or do you tell them it fairy tales and those showing compassion from the Good Book are crackpots? Do you stand up to your city council when they threaten to take away the Christmas trees, the minoras, the crosses, or are your watching Housewives of New Jersey or Honey Boo-Boo.
We are increasingly becoming more and more detached from one another.
Ask yourself,...how was our society different 20, 20, 50 years ago? Do kids curse more today than they did when your parents were that age? Was there that many drugs and sexually transmitted diseases? Were their noses buried in Twitter and Facebook, or did they actually talk to people...face-to-face?
Was politics, either left or right so ingrained in everything we do? Sure people will always have strong opinions...but they weren't always so laced with profanity, threats, and lack of manners.
I really feel for the families. I do. I pray for them. I don't wish that on anyone. I do believe these 20 children are with God right now...and I'd like to think they will be eternally happy and joyish, even if their lives were cut short here...but this world is corrupt...and just is getting more disgusting by the day.
I think it's ironic that all the news anchors, pundits, politicians all start off by saying "Our prayers are with the American people tonight." Aren't these the same people who otherwise nightly want religion out of our daily lives...that pesky Jesus and God and those commandments out of public view. But when bad stuff happens, we ask "Where was God in this?"
I ask..."Where were you when God tried calling you?"
I don't think God left us.....we chose as a country, to leave Him.
December 07, 2012
Gloomy Friday
It's not really raining, but the air is thick with moisture and gray and chilly. Everything is wet via condensation, much more than typical. Traffic reports have warned to keep our lights on as visibility is reduced.
When I got home last night I wasn't in the mood to walk my dog, but as exasperated as I was, I did anyway. It's not his issue that I had a long day at work, back to back to back meetings and a reduced lunch. He's just happy to see me, and I, him.
A friend offered to come over and make me dinner last night, and I agreed. Before my friend came over though, I did a rare thing...I sat in my shower/tub with a beer and just let myself soak in the warm water. If I had a set of two x-chromosomes, I may have even put on some relaxing music and dimmed the lights. Then I remembered a quip from a sitcom I saw earlier in the week where they were talking about men taking baths, and one of the jokes had a punch line along the lines of "Ewww...I'm not into testicle tea".
It made me laugh.
It was then I also wished I had some Epsom salts. I know that sounds weird, but I read an article earlier this week about the multiple health benefits of soaking in a tub of Epsom salts.
As I just gelled in the tub for a bit, I kept thinking about taking vacation. Not now though...it's obviously the holidays, but sometime in a few months. I need it to be: A) slightly warmer and B) Wait for the days to get a bit longer. See, I wanna hang out at a pool and relax, drink in hand, and watch the sun set at 6:30 or so.....not 5pm. I'm thinking about going back to the Grand Canyon. It's been about 6 years since I've been, and I really want to take the train in Williams again. It was so much fun, and the stars at night were just incredible.
Despite the fact I was indifferent about having company, I didn't say "No". so my friend came over and made me a chicken dinner. It was pretty darn good for what it was, and afterwards we just watched a little TV.
I must have slept wrong as I woke up this morning at 5:00 with a crick in my neck. Annoying enough that one aspirin didn't help and I took another hot shower this morning.
Work is slow once again today. It's so erratic.
I'm on the fence about going to CR tonight. I didn't go last weekend and even though it is strictly voluntary, I feel obligated to go...not sure why. Part of me just wants to go home again if this weather continues (as it appears it will), watch some TV, eat some leftovers, and turn on my gas fireplace, dog in lap.
December 06, 2012
Merry Christmas...from your lawyer
Sometimes I really just need to sit back and be amused at life.
This isn't supposed to be downer post...I'm just posting because it is kinda funny.
So yesterday, in the mail, I got my first official Christmas card of the season....
From......
.....My lawyer.
No joke.
I went to my mailbox when I got home like I normally do, collected everything in it, walked in my house as I'm putting down my stuff and noticed a gold-ish envelope addressed solely to me.
Imagine my chuckle at all things holy and a perfect summation of this year when I realize my Christmas card is from my lawyer, signed by his office, and also included was his business card (in case I forget his number?).
Talk about an exclamation point on all things backwards.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spoke to my grandfather today during a brief break in a day chock full of mindless training. I have some mandatory time off coming up in a few weeks, so I told him I'd drive up one day and take him to lunch. He sounded very thankful about that.
I also received a very nice email from my step-daughter today. In a nutshell, she says she'll always consider me her step-father, no matter what, that I always treated her nice and she knows the crap I've been going through.
--Wow-- That made my day.
This isn't supposed to be downer post...I'm just posting because it is kinda funny.
So yesterday, in the mail, I got my first official Christmas card of the season....
From......
.....My lawyer.
No joke.
I went to my mailbox when I got home like I normally do, collected everything in it, walked in my house as I'm putting down my stuff and noticed a gold-ish envelope addressed solely to me.
Imagine my chuckle at all things holy and a perfect summation of this year when I realize my Christmas card is from my lawyer, signed by his office, and also included was his business card (in case I forget his number?).
Talk about an exclamation point on all things backwards.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spoke to my grandfather today during a brief break in a day chock full of mindless training. I have some mandatory time off coming up in a few weeks, so I told him I'd drive up one day and take him to lunch. He sounded very thankful about that.
I also received a very nice email from my step-daughter today. In a nutshell, she says she'll always consider me her step-father, no matter what, that I always treated her nice and she knows the crap I've been going through.
--Wow-- That made my day.
December 05, 2012
The Grinch stole my Christmas.
So I had dinner with my mom last night after sitting in traffic for 45 minutes to go 20 miles and wasn't really relaxed to begin with. It's hard to get relaxed after working all day and then knowingly subjecting yourself to sitting in ridculous traffic just to have a sandwich with your mom.
To say I was a little wound up was an understatement.
It didn't help when my mom informed me mid-meal that my aunt and uncle have decided not to drive the "whole 2 hours" this year for Christmas.
So not only did Thanksgrieving take a back seat this year, it appears Christmas has been cast off by my portions of my family as well....which makes me a little, no- rephrase, pretty sad.
So not only has my annual Holiday memories and experiences of 10 years been decimated by my 'other' family, it appears that my own family is going to make it that much un-special.
To be honest, I kinda feel crappy about the whole thing.
Really crappy.
2012 will go down as the worst year of my life. and I'm so glad I have only 26 more days to endure it. I am seriously going to try my hardest to make 2013 'MY' year, no matter what the stakes.
I'm so tired of taking a back to seat to everyone else's selfish ideals and putting themselves first, that I can't take people (even parts of my own family) seriously anymore.
Other than my dog and my parents, I am putting myself first in 2013, ramifications be damned. That doesn't mean I'm going to turn into a douche, or someone arrogant...it's just I'm not going to wait on people anymore that eventually let me down for their own self-serving interests.
I am determined that in 2013 I will take a vacation. And I think next year, I am going to try and visit my relatives in Michigan for a real "white" Christmas...the kind I have never experienced before.
As I was digesting this new revleation from my mom last night, she actually suggested that she, my father, and I go to a movie and out for dinner on Christmas.
WHAT?!?!?
When did we decide it was okay to act like we are in a retirement community and pretend we're all 75 years old and Christmas is "just another day"? Not me. Screw that.....I don't want to see a movie on Christmas. I want a home cooked meal, egg nog, blinking lights, crappy music, sit around in my PJ's or sweats, look at a crackling fire, have some champagne and have my pup curled up on my lap giving glory to the one true Lord who died for my salvation.
December 04, 2012
Guarding the mouth
Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips. (Psalms 141:3)
A simple phrase. A simple command. Yet so hard to do in practice.
Joel Osteen touched on this verse this past weekend, and I've been mulling it over in my head and am going to make a conscious effort this week to speak positive to those that I come into contact with, and to also *try* and have a positive attitude.
How many times have we heard that our moods affect those around us...for better or for worse?
If we are Debbie Downer of Negative Nelly, who wants to be around us?
If we constantly walk around in self-doubt, a cloud over are head, mired in negativity...don't we drag ourselves downs and thus perpetuate our own stereotype?
There's a reason there's the phrase "Birds of a feather, flock together."
Jesus, God, & Holy Spirit only want the best for us. For you. For me. For our friends. For our family. However, it just isn't our day to day actions on display for others to interpret. It is also our words, our attitude, our mindset.
Perhaps God has sent an Angel to us with our answered prayer, but the only reason we are not receiving this answer is that we have put up our own roadblocks from obtaining it. These roadblocks may in fact be the words we speak.
If I am constantly negative, always down, nothing kind or positive to say....is it any wonder that blessings don't come my way? Perhaps God has told that Angel..."Oh, he will get his promise fulfilled, but not until her is ready, so hold up upon delivery."
Thus, I must guard my mouth.
I may be angry. I may be disappointed. I may be hurt. But I need to recognize those feelings for what they are, accept hem, deal with them, and treat them as a life and character building lesson. I may not like the way that my wife portrays me, what she said (truthful or her version of the truth), I may lose friends (who weren't 'real' friends to begin with) but that doesn't mean I need to stoop to that level.
By stooping to that level, I am not helping myself and look bitter. And if project those feelings to others, imagine what it is doing to me hour by hour, day by day.
My personal challenge this week is to not speak negative about my situation. Not to lower myself to name calling. Try my hardest (and it will indeed be hard) not to be bitter or angry. It s recognizing that this person is sick in a different way than I am. Where I am codependent, she is in denial.
I must pray for a softening of both of our hearts. For the ability for me to forgive and move forward, and for her to do the same. I cannot control her, but I can attempt to control myself.
If I am able to guard my mouth, I cannot feed into the enemies glee of destruction and bring others down. They will look at me in the end as a positive person, who will not get sucked into the trifleness of petty speak.
The change starts within, and if I can manage to change my attitude, perhaps my blessing will come sooner rather than later....God willing.
December 03, 2012
Polenta, introspection of love, & the Holiday Spirit
I have once again allowed myself to be overtaken by the thoughts of the world. Those thoughts are the natural outcome of grief, guilt, shaky faith, uncertainty, and a lack of trust that God is with me every moment of every day.
I've been having a hard time as of late getting into the Holiday spirit. I have not decorated the inside of the house, haven't thought about baking (yes, I do in fact bake), haven't started my Christmas shopping, and internally cringe when I think about decorating the outside of the house.
People with kind hearts and well meant advice will tell you that the best way to overcome grief and depression is to continue your normal habits, even if that other person is no longer there to share them with you, to help, or to be a part of.
Thanksgiving wasn't the same this year....you can read about that from an earlier post.
As I sit still on my couch on a rainy day this past Sunday, the same thoughts begin to creep in regarding Christmas. This may be the last year my grandfather is with me (he's 96 now). My Aunt and Uncle live at least 2+ hours away. My step-daughter and nephews have their own lives and families and will spend this year with my wife's family. Speaking of which...again....this will be the first time in 10 years that I have not spent the Holidays with my inlaws. I am not sure my exact feelings on all this. Other than right this minute, I try not to think about it too much. The less I think about it, the better I am. Out of sight, out of mind.
During a brief break in the weather yesterday, and sheer boredom, I went ahead and decorated the outside of my house. The funny thing is, is that I am not sure for whom I decorated for. Was it for me? Was it habit in order for me not to look like the neighborhood Grinch? A sign to the neighbors I'm still alive and kicking? Was it for the little kids on my street who pass by my house everyday to and from school so that I contniue to make their memories special? Was it a silent punishment towards myself to remind me what my life has been for the past 9 years? Do I secretly wish to recapture any feeling of Christmas altogther, for as of late I feel as I am missing it?
There's probably a small fraction of all those things together somewhere banging around in my head. I just don't really know, but the fact is I did it.
I *had* to call my wife on Thursday night last week after speaking with my lawyer to see if she had any input whatsoever on the negotiation process. I didn't want to make the call, but I have to get this ball rolling, and I had to man up.
The call was very tough.
Same 'ole, same 'ole. She tried to turn all this into one colossal guilt trip for me. I didn't want to argue back. Not that I beleive she is right, it just seems pointless for me to waste energy on getting heated up and discussing reality with someone who just doesn't want to listen, who doesn't beleive they are n the wrong, who still fails to take ownership of certain things. Yes, those things are in the past, but all your pleading, accustaions, guilt trips, manipulation of words doesn't change the facts and doesn't change the decisions made, and doesn't change the amount of hurt. I can forgive...I just cannot forget....and I will not allow myself to be a sucker any longer.
I don't care if you think I listen to my family and my friends too much. The feelings are the same...I am a much better person in everyone eyes without the never ending drama, arguing for arguing sake, hurtful things said and done. There is an overwhelming consenus that you may have changed on the outside, but it's only temporary, and because you have nowhere else to go, and now you realize that. You realize what a mistake you have made, and I am the bigger fool if I turn my cheek yet again and accept it. That is me saying the last 10 years I am willing to give you a pass on...a do-over.
Well, I'm not.
She asked me if I still *loved* her.
That was Thursday night, and it has entertained my thought process for almost 4 days now, and truth be told.....the more I think about it...the more I have convinced myself I'm not sure what that kind of love is anymore.
Isn't that sad?
Oh, I know I love my parents. I love my dog. I love my God. I love my friends. But intimate love between mates, husband/wife, lovers? I don't beleive I understand the definition anylonger. That feeling has been tainted. You stopped being my best friend years ago when you skipped out on our Anniversary and my birthday...because bowling was more important. The definition got warped when Valentines day came and went and I didn't even get a card. I don't know what "love" is anymore when I come home and the closets are empty and you travel to a diffrent state without telling me where you are going, or when you are coming back. I don't know what intimate love is when you ask your friends to cover for you and 'pretend' you are having a sleepover with your girlfriends only for me to find out later it was all a lie and you may or may not have been with a male companion. And you tell me today you love me and I need to let the past be the past and we can move on from here.
No, I'm sorry...I cannot. Maybe you can...but that has been your MO for as long as I have known you...sweep it under the rug and ask for a do-over. No, a do-over makes me an idiot, and possibly setting me up for a worse fall than I have aleady endured sometime in the future.
No, you made your bed, you must now lay in it. And maybe you have changed. Maybe deep down you are turning over a new leaf. Maybe you have been reborn. I'm just no longer willing to take the risk to find out. I will never know 100% if you really love me, or it's just a charade because I'm a pushover and I'm easy and I'm a security blanket.
Your sister and brother and mom and dad may no longer wish to speak with me anylonger. That sucks, it hurts, but I guess it's okay. Let them pay your bills now. Let them deal with the half-truths. Let them deal with the shitty attitude and mood swings. They've only dealt with it for 4 months. I dealt with it for 9 years.
The good news is that I know women that already want to date me now. The bad news is now I understand that my 'love' is tainted. I am on constant guard. My walls are being built up. I don't know what "trust" is anylonger. AS many days as I break down, there are now days I am also unfazed, because my belief in these matetrs has been shattered. I look at the millions of pieces of emotions strewn about my feet in a large blast radius, and I don't even know where to begin to begin for re-assembly.
I went to my parents house for dinner last night.
I needed to. I needed to hear from them one more time that I am in fact making the right decision. That I am not second-guessing myself. That someday this will all pass, and happiness can be mine again...because I deserve it.
My mom made polenta grassa....an Italian dish. A rarity and a treat. It was so good, and each bite reminded me that I was 10 years old again and with my grandparents. It was comforting and familiar. As I sat and ate slowly, I looked around my parents house....the house I grew up in the first 18 years of my life. What I wouldn't do to go back. It felt cozy, and warm, and loving and peaceful.
I just sat there and allowed myself to decompress for an hour or so. My mom allowed me to take some leftovers home...which I gladly did. It was a rainy night, and when I got home a nice hot shower followed by crawling into my bed at 9:30 and drifting to sleep. I got up this morning at 7:18am, so it was a good 10 hours and I loved it. I'm hoping I can recpature it again tonight.
I've been having a hard time as of late getting into the Holiday spirit. I have not decorated the inside of the house, haven't thought about baking (yes, I do in fact bake), haven't started my Christmas shopping, and internally cringe when I think about decorating the outside of the house.
People with kind hearts and well meant advice will tell you that the best way to overcome grief and depression is to continue your normal habits, even if that other person is no longer there to share them with you, to help, or to be a part of.
Thanksgiving wasn't the same this year....you can read about that from an earlier post.
As I sit still on my couch on a rainy day this past Sunday, the same thoughts begin to creep in regarding Christmas. This may be the last year my grandfather is with me (he's 96 now). My Aunt and Uncle live at least 2+ hours away. My step-daughter and nephews have their own lives and families and will spend this year with my wife's family. Speaking of which...again....this will be the first time in 10 years that I have not spent the Holidays with my inlaws. I am not sure my exact feelings on all this. Other than right this minute, I try not to think about it too much. The less I think about it, the better I am. Out of sight, out of mind.
During a brief break in the weather yesterday, and sheer boredom, I went ahead and decorated the outside of my house. The funny thing is, is that I am not sure for whom I decorated for. Was it for me? Was it habit in order for me not to look like the neighborhood Grinch? A sign to the neighbors I'm still alive and kicking? Was it for the little kids on my street who pass by my house everyday to and from school so that I contniue to make their memories special? Was it a silent punishment towards myself to remind me what my life has been for the past 9 years? Do I secretly wish to recapture any feeling of Christmas altogther, for as of late I feel as I am missing it?
There's probably a small fraction of all those things together somewhere banging around in my head. I just don't really know, but the fact is I did it.
I *had* to call my wife on Thursday night last week after speaking with my lawyer to see if she had any input whatsoever on the negotiation process. I didn't want to make the call, but I have to get this ball rolling, and I had to man up.
The call was very tough.
Same 'ole, same 'ole. She tried to turn all this into one colossal guilt trip for me. I didn't want to argue back. Not that I beleive she is right, it just seems pointless for me to waste energy on getting heated up and discussing reality with someone who just doesn't want to listen, who doesn't beleive they are n the wrong, who still fails to take ownership of certain things. Yes, those things are in the past, but all your pleading, accustaions, guilt trips, manipulation of words doesn't change the facts and doesn't change the decisions made, and doesn't change the amount of hurt. I can forgive...I just cannot forget....and I will not allow myself to be a sucker any longer.
I don't care if you think I listen to my family and my friends too much. The feelings are the same...I am a much better person in everyone eyes without the never ending drama, arguing for arguing sake, hurtful things said and done. There is an overwhelming consenus that you may have changed on the outside, but it's only temporary, and because you have nowhere else to go, and now you realize that. You realize what a mistake you have made, and I am the bigger fool if I turn my cheek yet again and accept it. That is me saying the last 10 years I am willing to give you a pass on...a do-over.
Well, I'm not.
She asked me if I still *loved* her.
That was Thursday night, and it has entertained my thought process for almost 4 days now, and truth be told.....the more I think about it...the more I have convinced myself I'm not sure what that kind of love is anymore.
Isn't that sad?
Oh, I know I love my parents. I love my dog. I love my God. I love my friends. But intimate love between mates, husband/wife, lovers? I don't beleive I understand the definition anylonger. That feeling has been tainted. You stopped being my best friend years ago when you skipped out on our Anniversary and my birthday...because bowling was more important. The definition got warped when Valentines day came and went and I didn't even get a card. I don't know what "love" is anymore when I come home and the closets are empty and you travel to a diffrent state without telling me where you are going, or when you are coming back. I don't know what intimate love is when you ask your friends to cover for you and 'pretend' you are having a sleepover with your girlfriends only for me to find out later it was all a lie and you may or may not have been with a male companion. And you tell me today you love me and I need to let the past be the past and we can move on from here.
No, I'm sorry...I cannot. Maybe you can...but that has been your MO for as long as I have known you...sweep it under the rug and ask for a do-over. No, a do-over makes me an idiot, and possibly setting me up for a worse fall than I have aleady endured sometime in the future.
No, you made your bed, you must now lay in it. And maybe you have changed. Maybe deep down you are turning over a new leaf. Maybe you have been reborn. I'm just no longer willing to take the risk to find out. I will never know 100% if you really love me, or it's just a charade because I'm a pushover and I'm easy and I'm a security blanket.
Your sister and brother and mom and dad may no longer wish to speak with me anylonger. That sucks, it hurts, but I guess it's okay. Let them pay your bills now. Let them deal with the half-truths. Let them deal with the shitty attitude and mood swings. They've only dealt with it for 4 months. I dealt with it for 9 years.
The good news is that I know women that already want to date me now. The bad news is now I understand that my 'love' is tainted. I am on constant guard. My walls are being built up. I don't know what "trust" is anylonger. AS many days as I break down, there are now days I am also unfazed, because my belief in these matetrs has been shattered. I look at the millions of pieces of emotions strewn about my feet in a large blast radius, and I don't even know where to begin to begin for re-assembly.
I went to my parents house for dinner last night.
I needed to. I needed to hear from them one more time that I am in fact making the right decision. That I am not second-guessing myself. That someday this will all pass, and happiness can be mine again...because I deserve it.
My mom made polenta grassa....an Italian dish. A rarity and a treat. It was so good, and each bite reminded me that I was 10 years old again and with my grandparents. It was comforting and familiar. As I sat and ate slowly, I looked around my parents house....the house I grew up in the first 18 years of my life. What I wouldn't do to go back. It felt cozy, and warm, and loving and peaceful.
I just sat there and allowed myself to decompress for an hour or so. My mom allowed me to take some leftovers home...which I gladly did. It was a rainy night, and when I got home a nice hot shower followed by crawling into my bed at 9:30 and drifting to sleep. I got up this morning at 7:18am, so it was a good 10 hours and I loved it. I'm hoping I can recpature it again tonight.
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