"Yes, I am the gate. Those who come in through me will be saved. Wherever they go, they will find green pastures. The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give life in all its fullness." (John 10:9-10)
I don't have much to say today. This passage has been on my mind since Sunday, and everytime I read it, I feel a brief moment of reassurance and confidence. I just wish that feeling would last throughout the days without me having to either re-read it or think about. It should be known and ingrained, but maybe that will take time.
Work has been painfully slow this last week. That never bodes well for a person like me that spends too much free time self-reflecting, over-analyzing, and worrying about everything.
If it weren't for the fact I feel the need to save my vacation time (for a possible cashout later this year to pay for taxes) I'd like to take a day off like today to do some 'me' time. 'Me' time would consist of working on one of my models at home, spend some time walking my dog, maybe play a video game, and maybe catch up on some streaming movies via Netflix I missed in the theater's.
Actually, I've been thinking about smoked brisket all morning. I may even visit a specialty deli after work today and pick me up a 5-6 lbs brisket. Maybe invite a few neighbors over or some friends for a first attempt at using my smoker. I've never smoked a brisket before nor have I used my smoker grill yet either, but I'll have to break it in soon.
As you can tell my mood is 'okay' to 'good' today for no particular reason I can think of.
And for those that are asking, at this time I am not on any medications right now, anti-depressant or otherwise. I'll be honest with you if and when I decide to go back on.
July 28, 2010
July 27, 2010
Here
That is how I describe my day today.
It was a little gloomy this morning, a marine layer socked into the foothills in which I live and seemed to make my bed that much cozier. My wife was kind enough not disturb me and allowed me to snooze until about 7:20 this morning. I could have easily slept more, but not because I've been feeling down and out the last few days, but because I was just that comfortable and just that cozy.
One of my two bosses took the day off and another employee in my department called in sick, and overall it's been a pretty uneventful and quiet day. A bit too quiet which makes the day seem to drag on a bit longer than I would generally like it to do, but sometimes its just like that.
Before I got out of bed this morning I made a conscious decision to pray to Jesus. Just a simple "Hey, it's just me and I'd really appreciate an emotional break today big guy.", and I can honestly say I feel 'okay' thus far (granted its only 3:30).
The downtime allowed me to make some calls earlier today and get a better rate on a credit card that should save me a decent chunk of interest over the next 15 months or so (which is good). I also had alone time at lunch and was able to finish a book I was reading: "Dogtown: tales of rescue, rehabilitaion, and redemption". It was a great book, although a tear jerker at times. It really wants me to get the courage to work at an animal shelter, if I wasn't so afraid of getting emotionally attached to every dog I may be taking care of. I'd love to do that with animals, I really do feel that is a calling to my spirit and I feel so much more at ease with animals, but my heart breaks when they are hurt and I have this feeling I may become a basket case afterwards.
I know I've already decided that the day I do write my will, a decent chunk of my estate (if thats what it is called) will be donated to an animal shelter.
I may meet a friend today after work, for about an hour to have some tacos. I'm still waiting for his call. If he doesn't call, its no big deal, I'll go home and start my own dinner and finish up the evening watching some TV, maybe start reading a new book even.
BTW: I want to thank 'Anonymous' whose been leaving comments the last few entries. I do appreciate it and know you mean well.
Regards...
It was a little gloomy this morning, a marine layer socked into the foothills in which I live and seemed to make my bed that much cozier. My wife was kind enough not disturb me and allowed me to snooze until about 7:20 this morning. I could have easily slept more, but not because I've been feeling down and out the last few days, but because I was just that comfortable and just that cozy.
One of my two bosses took the day off and another employee in my department called in sick, and overall it's been a pretty uneventful and quiet day. A bit too quiet which makes the day seem to drag on a bit longer than I would generally like it to do, but sometimes its just like that.
Before I got out of bed this morning I made a conscious decision to pray to Jesus. Just a simple "Hey, it's just me and I'd really appreciate an emotional break today big guy.", and I can honestly say I feel 'okay' thus far (granted its only 3:30).
The downtime allowed me to make some calls earlier today and get a better rate on a credit card that should save me a decent chunk of interest over the next 15 months or so (which is good). I also had alone time at lunch and was able to finish a book I was reading: "Dogtown: tales of rescue, rehabilitaion, and redemption". It was a great book, although a tear jerker at times. It really wants me to get the courage to work at an animal shelter, if I wasn't so afraid of getting emotionally attached to every dog I may be taking care of. I'd love to do that with animals, I really do feel that is a calling to my spirit and I feel so much more at ease with animals, but my heart breaks when they are hurt and I have this feeling I may become a basket case afterwards.
I know I've already decided that the day I do write my will, a decent chunk of my estate (if thats what it is called) will be donated to an animal shelter.
I may meet a friend today after work, for about an hour to have some tacos. I'm still waiting for his call. If he doesn't call, its no big deal, I'll go home and start my own dinner and finish up the evening watching some TV, maybe start reading a new book even.
BTW: I want to thank 'Anonymous' whose been leaving comments the last few entries. I do appreciate it and know you mean well.
Regards...
July 26, 2010
Feeding the spirit
After my last post, I needed a bit of time to collect myself.
God says he will never heap on so much that we can't take it. I'd like to have a heart to heart with him some time on that. When one's mind in in complete chaos and dreaming of being whisked away to parts unknown, I think we're at the breaking point of how much one can handle.
I realize it's different for everyone, and I'll be the first to admit my tolerence threshold seems to waver up and down depending on the day. Some days it just seems the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and yet when I read the news and see someone else's troubles (which are far worse than my own) I am then humbled and thank God that my troubles are indeed not as dire as others. That being said, it doesn't make it any easier, just a bit more self depricating on how I could be so selfish.
After my temporary meltdown last post, I sent a message to a college friend of mine from 20 years ago who recently found the Lord and just simply said "Pray for me. Having a rough spot." I did't say anymore or give any details, and within minutes he texted me back saying he'd pray for me. He also told me to read Psalms 13....which I did...and while I wouldn't say it was a wakeup call, it was just enough to stop anymore of a downward spiral.
He then sent me a care package in the mail that week. It was a box full of candy and treats for me, and he even threw in a toy for my dog. I was so touched. Here is a man, with a history and issues of his own, took the time to send me a 'care package'...and even included my dog in it. That touched me to the core. That has to be one of the nicest things someone has done for me.....dare I say even more attentive than my step-daughter and spouse? Actually...yes.
Of course I thanked him profusely, and I am still very touched by this simple act.
The rest of my week went better, or at least neutral. I haven't been able to relax 100%, and I have been very tired. I commented to my wife and she suggested I have my thyroid checked...just in case. I don't think it's a physical thing. To me, I feel it is a mental thing. I'm drained....emotionally spent, teetering on depression, frustrated and more. It just sucks the energy out of me. It's as if I forgot how to relax, let it all go, and enjoy the quiet moments. All that sounds good to me is a nice hot, long shower.....followed my a massage (that I'll never get)...and then go to bed.
I did get some reprieve this last week. I did watch a few shows on television that made me laugh, and I even surprised my wife by going bowling with her and her freinds. I even surprised myself with the amount of fun I had that evening. And my wife's friends treated me very well.
The rest of the week just seemed to go through it's paces and I spent some time praying here and there.
I did go to church yesterday and I am so thankful I did. I hadn't gone in a few weeks and my men's group is on hiatus until Aug. 14. Anyway, yesterday's message was from the book of John about the good shepard. It was a good message for me to hear. I really needed to know that Jesus knows each and everyone of us, both good and bad, and every tear we shed and every cry we make. One could argue that He has answered me, although I'd like to know it was Him a bit clearer or a bit louder. Is it selfish to wonder or inquire why His answers seems like delayed whispers? Is it my patience? Is the test ongoing and I don't recall signing up for it if it is.
Yesterday afternoon I had a beer with a coupld of my neighbor guy friends. One is a non-practicing Catholic, the other agnostic. Religion wasn't the topic. We spoke of vacations. One thing we all had in common was a little strained finances and were discussing ideas for 'cheap' vacations. It was fun to dream about taking a week off and driving out to the Grand Canyon, or a train ride to Santa Barbara.
My last paycheck stated I had 66.5 hours of vacation accrued. I really need to take some time off. Thinking back now to all my posts here, I know I stated that numerous times before. Problem is I can't really afford to go anywhere, but Lord knows I desire a few days off. I really need to get out of here. I need to enjoy environs of elsewhere. Watch a sunset, breathe fresh air, have a good dinner, melt into a pool with the sounds of birds and the whispering of summer leaves.
I think I'm gonna start putting away $30 a paycheck aside into an account and save up to go somewhere for a few days. Maybe I will go to Santa Barbara sometime in the future.
God says he will never heap on so much that we can't take it. I'd like to have a heart to heart with him some time on that. When one's mind in in complete chaos and dreaming of being whisked away to parts unknown, I think we're at the breaking point of how much one can handle.
I realize it's different for everyone, and I'll be the first to admit my tolerence threshold seems to waver up and down depending on the day. Some days it just seems the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and yet when I read the news and see someone else's troubles (which are far worse than my own) I am then humbled and thank God that my troubles are indeed not as dire as others. That being said, it doesn't make it any easier, just a bit more self depricating on how I could be so selfish.
After my temporary meltdown last post, I sent a message to a college friend of mine from 20 years ago who recently found the Lord and just simply said "Pray for me. Having a rough spot." I did't say anymore or give any details, and within minutes he texted me back saying he'd pray for me. He also told me to read Psalms 13....which I did...and while I wouldn't say it was a wakeup call, it was just enough to stop anymore of a downward spiral.
He then sent me a care package in the mail that week. It was a box full of candy and treats for me, and he even threw in a toy for my dog. I was so touched. Here is a man, with a history and issues of his own, took the time to send me a 'care package'...and even included my dog in it. That touched me to the core. That has to be one of the nicest things someone has done for me.....dare I say even more attentive than my step-daughter and spouse? Actually...yes.
Of course I thanked him profusely, and I am still very touched by this simple act.
The rest of my week went better, or at least neutral. I haven't been able to relax 100%, and I have been very tired. I commented to my wife and she suggested I have my thyroid checked...just in case. I don't think it's a physical thing. To me, I feel it is a mental thing. I'm drained....emotionally spent, teetering on depression, frustrated and more. It just sucks the energy out of me. It's as if I forgot how to relax, let it all go, and enjoy the quiet moments. All that sounds good to me is a nice hot, long shower.....followed my a massage (that I'll never get)...and then go to bed.
I did get some reprieve this last week. I did watch a few shows on television that made me laugh, and I even surprised my wife by going bowling with her and her freinds. I even surprised myself with the amount of fun I had that evening. And my wife's friends treated me very well.
The rest of the week just seemed to go through it's paces and I spent some time praying here and there.
I did go to church yesterday and I am so thankful I did. I hadn't gone in a few weeks and my men's group is on hiatus until Aug. 14. Anyway, yesterday's message was from the book of John about the good shepard. It was a good message for me to hear. I really needed to know that Jesus knows each and everyone of us, both good and bad, and every tear we shed and every cry we make. One could argue that He has answered me, although I'd like to know it was Him a bit clearer or a bit louder. Is it selfish to wonder or inquire why His answers seems like delayed whispers? Is it my patience? Is the test ongoing and I don't recall signing up for it if it is.
Yesterday afternoon I had a beer with a coupld of my neighbor guy friends. One is a non-practicing Catholic, the other agnostic. Religion wasn't the topic. We spoke of vacations. One thing we all had in common was a little strained finances and were discussing ideas for 'cheap' vacations. It was fun to dream about taking a week off and driving out to the Grand Canyon, or a train ride to Santa Barbara.
My last paycheck stated I had 66.5 hours of vacation accrued. I really need to take some time off. Thinking back now to all my posts here, I know I stated that numerous times before. Problem is I can't really afford to go anywhere, but Lord knows I desire a few days off. I really need to get out of here. I need to enjoy environs of elsewhere. Watch a sunset, breathe fresh air, have a good dinner, melt into a pool with the sounds of birds and the whispering of summer leaves.
I think I'm gonna start putting away $30 a paycheck aside into an account and save up to go somewhere for a few days. Maybe I will go to Santa Barbara sometime in the future.
July 19, 2010
Still drawing a blank.
Ugh...I can't beleive it's been almost three month since my last post, and even more sad is the fact it doesn't seem much has changed since that post either.
I actually juat read my April 27th entry, and if I didn't know any better, it feels in my gut like I wrote it yesterday.
The last few days have once again seem to have become a nagging struggle within my mind. Oh there has been moments of laughter and of joy, but some of dour angst and loathing as well.
Struggles at home seem to have become increasingly tense and I cannot seem to discern if it is me causing the issues, if I am the victim of these issues, or a combination of both.
Our financial status has been very stressful as of late, and I do not deal with it as well as my wife does, but I can't help but think that my wife is eitehr very ignorant or in harmonious denial about it all, perhaps thinking that the husband she claims to love one moment yet talks down to at times will be there to always support her.
We've been living paycheck to paycheck for a few months now. I often skip breakfast, have a generic sandwich for lunch and even a so-so dinner just so we can do it all over again the next day. Frankly, I'm tired of it. Yes, I still have food in my belly, but am so sick of medicority at best.
So many things need to get done; yet we just can't seem to make any headway. It's depressing.
My step-daughter is also a handful. Almost 19, no diploma, works part time but has no car. We can't get her a car, let alone insurance, gas, driving lessons, etc. She doesn't contribute to the house 'cause she barely makes any money, but we still have to take care of her.
We hear from our friends about vacation get-aways, nights out on the town, and more with envious ears and humbled looks.
I should have gone to church yesterday. Lord knows I need it, not just for my spirit, but for an attitude adjustment as well. I felt tired and not very energetic, wondering what the point was. Nothing is going to change.
I've found myself to be a little bit short on patience lately, more apt to get frustrated and mad at the little things, and have had a love/hate relationship regarding my spouse again.
I don't know why it came to a head yesterday, but I felt very alone. I can't even recall if I cried out to God or not at this point. I think I might have given up at the time, so tired of even trying and hearing silence in return, that perhaps I didn't ask for Him.
I cried a bit too.....in the shower when I was alone, a few major thoughts entered my head: 1) I want a divorce and want to find happiness with someone who wants to spend time with me, 2) My step-daughter is driving me up the wall and I feel very guilty about it, 3) I don't do enough in helping people (moreso animals like helping at a shelter), and 4) I wish I were dead.
Yeah, I said it again. I love the Lord, I love my family, I love my dog....but I'm tired, I wondered what it would be like to be committed to a hospital for a while. I want to rest....really rest. As much as I love these people, I don't want to be around any of them for a while. I constantly feel let down by the, and sometimes feel I'd actually be better off without them.....without anybody for that matter.
I'm very scared to hurt myself. I'm scared of pain, I'm scared of suffering. I often think that cancer and/or a stress related heart attack is gonna get me sooner than later. I'm scared I'll have a stroke and be in a wheel chair and no one will care for me.
It's 3pm in the afternoon as I type this, and now I'm crying again. I'm 40 years old, and I'm crying and at times miserable. I don't have any children to call my own, no siblings to share with, and I don't want to burden my parents. I don't think my wife can comfort and console me. Does God still have some big test or plan for me? I dunno.
I'm too scared for suicide, I don't want to give up, but still.....I wish it were all over or just go away. Let me enjoy life for once, like I used to, years ago when life was simpler.
I see myself walking into a hospital, looking for anyone who will hear me and really listen to me....and tell them to whisk me away. Don't tell my wife, don't tell my parents, but look after my dog. I love him so much. What would I do without him?
I rambling again. I need to take a break from this post right now....get outside and get some fresh air.
I actually juat read my April 27th entry, and if I didn't know any better, it feels in my gut like I wrote it yesterday.
The last few days have once again seem to have become a nagging struggle within my mind. Oh there has been moments of laughter and of joy, but some of dour angst and loathing as well.
Struggles at home seem to have become increasingly tense and I cannot seem to discern if it is me causing the issues, if I am the victim of these issues, or a combination of both.
Our financial status has been very stressful as of late, and I do not deal with it as well as my wife does, but I can't help but think that my wife is eitehr very ignorant or in harmonious denial about it all, perhaps thinking that the husband she claims to love one moment yet talks down to at times will be there to always support her.
We've been living paycheck to paycheck for a few months now. I often skip breakfast, have a generic sandwich for lunch and even a so-so dinner just so we can do it all over again the next day. Frankly, I'm tired of it. Yes, I still have food in my belly, but am so sick of medicority at best.
So many things need to get done; yet we just can't seem to make any headway. It's depressing.
My step-daughter is also a handful. Almost 19, no diploma, works part time but has no car. We can't get her a car, let alone insurance, gas, driving lessons, etc. She doesn't contribute to the house 'cause she barely makes any money, but we still have to take care of her.
We hear from our friends about vacation get-aways, nights out on the town, and more with envious ears and humbled looks.
I should have gone to church yesterday. Lord knows I need it, not just for my spirit, but for an attitude adjustment as well. I felt tired and not very energetic, wondering what the point was. Nothing is going to change.
I've found myself to be a little bit short on patience lately, more apt to get frustrated and mad at the little things, and have had a love/hate relationship regarding my spouse again.
I don't know why it came to a head yesterday, but I felt very alone. I can't even recall if I cried out to God or not at this point. I think I might have given up at the time, so tired of even trying and hearing silence in return, that perhaps I didn't ask for Him.
I cried a bit too.....in the shower when I was alone, a few major thoughts entered my head: 1) I want a divorce and want to find happiness with someone who wants to spend time with me, 2) My step-daughter is driving me up the wall and I feel very guilty about it, 3) I don't do enough in helping people (moreso animals like helping at a shelter), and 4) I wish I were dead.
Yeah, I said it again. I love the Lord, I love my family, I love my dog....but I'm tired, I wondered what it would be like to be committed to a hospital for a while. I want to rest....really rest. As much as I love these people, I don't want to be around any of them for a while. I constantly feel let down by the, and sometimes feel I'd actually be better off without them.....without anybody for that matter.
I'm very scared to hurt myself. I'm scared of pain, I'm scared of suffering. I often think that cancer and/or a stress related heart attack is gonna get me sooner than later. I'm scared I'll have a stroke and be in a wheel chair and no one will care for me.
It's 3pm in the afternoon as I type this, and now I'm crying again. I'm 40 years old, and I'm crying and at times miserable. I don't have any children to call my own, no siblings to share with, and I don't want to burden my parents. I don't think my wife can comfort and console me. Does God still have some big test or plan for me? I dunno.
I'm too scared for suicide, I don't want to give up, but still.....I wish it were all over or just go away. Let me enjoy life for once, like I used to, years ago when life was simpler.
I see myself walking into a hospital, looking for anyone who will hear me and really listen to me....and tell them to whisk me away. Don't tell my wife, don't tell my parents, but look after my dog. I love him so much. What would I do without him?
I rambling again. I need to take a break from this post right now....get outside and get some fresh air.
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