Taking it to heart

I received an email from a school chum of mine today that had something to say that was quite poignant to me.  My friend Rex (not his real name) and I have been friends since 9th grade.  We were Biology lab partners together back then ('84) and we've maintained our friendship over the years.

Oh, there's been times our friendship has been strained, and other times where we took different paths and interests, but I'm very happy and lucky to day that today, in 2012 our friendship is just as good, if not better than it was back in '84.  That's a friendship of 27 years, and perhaps I'm a bit more sentimental about than Rex is, but I can count my "best" friends on one hand, and even though we have diffrent religous beliefs and ideologies, Rex is one of my '5' inner core friends.

He sent me an email wondering how my past weekend was and wanted to see if maybe I'd like to get together with him and his wife either this Friday for dinner, or maybe take the dogs for a long walk after work on Thursday (weather permitting).  I think I'll take him up on the dinner.  I could use a break from all the therapy sessions, and support groups I attend.  Not that I am burnt out from them or bored, it's just that when I think about it, I have been attending (on average) 3 various type of support meetings a week for close to 3 months now and I haven't been out on a Friday night for over a month.

One of the aspects of 'moving' on, is to indeed get out there...to begin experiencing life and laughter again.  To get one's mind of the scheduled mundane talks and pity parties and begin to meet new people and learn to enjoy 'social' things again.  Maybe I can even practice my 'flirting' techniques with a waitress?  It has been 9+ years since I spoke with another woman, even in a playful manner...

Anyway, we got on the subject on "how I'm doing" and I told Rex that I still have my moments, but each day I gain a little more confidence back.  That slowly but surely, I'm re-discovering that 'man' that has been buried deep within me for so long.

Rex explained in his email: "Funny you should mention your inner voice.  I was just telling my wife (and she agreed) that you haven't been the same person we knew for some time now.  You used to be much more 'joking' and 'laughable', but we thought it was stress or something else, but we were commenting that over the past year you had been withdrawing into a shell.  You weren't the same guy we liked hanging around with."

He wasn't trying to be hurtful, or mean, or anything like that.  It was his way of telling me that he (and others who care and 'know' the real 'me') had noted that I was shutting down over time...loosing my spirit, smiling less.

I'm glad he did.

Despite my best efforts, I wasn't fooling anyone.  I was expending a lot of wasted energy trying to 'cover up' or 'hide' my issues that it actually became full time work when in public and social settings.  I was concentrating so hard to put my game face on, that I was in actuality making it quite clear to everyone I came into contact with that I was dealing with something just under the surface.  And thus I missed out on a lot of fun, a lot of inside jokes, a lot of stories and memories, because I was trying to maintain a false facade of who I was.

And people did notice.

But by Rex telling me this, I am now aware of it.  Aware that I need to relax, let my guard down, go with the flow, be open to things because I don't need to hide anylonger.  I don't have to fake happiness that isn't there anymore, and instead allow my self 'real' happiness.

Far from a midlife crisis, but the scenarios are going through my head now on wanting to pick myself up and get out there.  I've been thinking of a new wardrobe, a new haircut, hitting the gym more than I already do, getting a tan...Kinda like starting on version 2.0.