1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Back.

So I was in utter surprise last Friday when I drove around the corner to my house after a long day at work and then working out at the gym, to see my wife's car parked down the street at the neighbors house.

Well, so much for the neighbors keeping their eyes open and giving me a heads up.  It appears to have done me no good to give many of them my business card with my cellphone number and request they contact me if she were to show up.  Nobody did, and the bummer is when I finally asked one of my neighbors how long she was down, "Oh, a few hours."  A few hours?  Hey, thanks again!

My wife wanted her mail.  The uncollected mail from 2 months.  But why now?  She had 8 weeks to get a change of address form from the Post Office, or to contact each one of these various entities separately and have her mail redirected.  Why the sudden push?

Somethings up.

Oh, and she pulled out $10K from her IRA account a week back.  Oh no....she didn't. 

She did.

Arrrgghhh.

Of all the times in 8+ years of marriage where her irresponsibility reigned supreme, where her non-chalant laise-faire attitude and inaction have caused many a check to bounce, late fees to accrue, numerous coverage lapses occur....of course now she decides to hire her own lawyer in response to me serving papers last month.  With only 2 business days to spare out of the timed 30, she gets her arse in gear and now shows up to the ball game.  Are you kidding me?

With some anger/resentment/frustration...and fear, I took all the boxes I had packed up for her previously and placed them back on the porch.  I then left the house and went to Celebrate Recovery.  I'll be damned if she corners me on a Friday night.

And of course she calls me at 7:30 and demands I put her stuff back in the house.  I tell her to take it.  If she can grab the mail, then she can grab her boxes.

She says she doesn't have any room.

I tell her that I saw her car and it is empty, and she does have room, and she can take her stuff.

She pleads with me that she has nowhere to put it right now, that she needs to make arrangements.  I'm mad, because as usual, she does nothing...but being the nice guy I am (or a fool) I tell her that when I get back home I will put it in the garage (I will actually wait until Saturday morning to do so) as I'm trying not to let her get to me and enjoy my time at Celebrate.

At Celebrate, during our "open share" time, I feel empowered.  I speak my fully allotted 5 minutes, and go slightly over.  This time I did not cry, I did not shrink, I did not falter.  I came home, took a shower and went to bed....and noted that the neighbor who doesn't want to be involved allowed my wife to sleep over at her house. 

On Saturday my wife texts me that she wants to go out with me that night, and actually used the term 'date'.  I said, "No...I have plans this evening, but I have some more mail for you that came today."  She then asked me to meet her at 1pm, and I agreed, but I made it clear, I'm out at 3:30pm...and I was.

I met her, at a bar (no joke) she suggested, but noted that she was only drinking sparkling water.  For show?  Most likely.  I also noted she looked a little worn, and dare I say, put on a few extra pounds as well.  Where I have been losing weight and sleep over all this, she dragged on her cigarettes (one after another...a nasty habit I always hated) and looked...heavier.

She asked me if I still wanted a divorce....I responded by saying that I wasn't going to wait around forever, that her behavior was unacceptable, that she shows no effort, that bills are unpaid.  What choice do I have?  She said she didn't want a divorce, wanted to know if we could start over...to sweep the past 8 years under the rug and never bring it up again. 

Uh..no....things don't magically disappear because one person decides she can snap her fingers and 'pretend' it didn't happen.  I told her "actions speak louder than words" (a mantra of her own she uses over and over again).  I told her she needs to repair her relationship with her family, her daughter, my parents, and show me that she's in some type of program.  That I am not agreeing to anything just so 3, 6, 9 months down the road she wants another 'break', or dredges up the past.  Nope.  Not happening.  I'm not blinking first this time.  I noticed she never said she loved me, never said she was going to give me money, never apologized for her actions.  All I heard was excuses, and manipulation to buy herself more time.

I told her she only puts herself first...never goes to church with me, comes and goes as she pleases, talks disrespectful to my family and hers, treats her daughter as a second class citizen, and I'm not standing for it anymore. 

I didn't cry.  I didn't budge.  But she eventually cried.

I told her that I am in therapy with my own shrink.  That I read books and listen to audio programs.  That I pray daily.  That I go to a men's support group on Saturday mornings, been to Alanon, and just got by 30 day chip from Celebrate. 

She couldn't even tell me the name of her therapist, which makes me believe that there isn't any.

She asked where do we go from here?  I said the ball is in her court, and that I needed to leave....which I did.  She hugged me and didn't let go.  I only half-hearted returned her embrace.  I was starting to feel uncomfortable, and needed to leave strong, and show her she has no power over me anymore.  Truth be told, if I stayed too much longer, I may have started to crack.

Me on the right.

I went to a BBQ that evening, and had a blast (a rare picture of me).  It was only when I was driving home that she texted me and thanked me for meeting her, and that she said I looked really good.  I only replied "Thanks and you're welcome.  I will be driving home soon."  She replied one last time "Drive safe."  That was Saturday night at 11pm.

Today is Tuesday, 1pm, and I haven't heard from her since.  Or from my lawyer, but I suspect any day now I will.

Sunday I went to another BBQ at yet a different friends house, and I got invited to yet another one this upcoming Sunday.

My divorced friend started her new job yesterday.  She still found the time to write me a letter at lunch, and again last night.  I told her that my wife responded to my papers.  She said she thought she would...because my wife still has no job and wants a piece of my paycheck.  That she's becoming aware that I was her security, and now she doesn't have any, so of course she wants my alimony check.  She went on to describe the financial heartbreak she went through with her ex-husband.  How he made promises he never kept and forced her to use her 401K money, pay penalties, etc to keep their head above water, and once they divorced, he never replaced any funds and only gave her a mere pittance to survive until she got this new job and basically starting over at 42 herself.

I was 'okay' the last few days, until this morning when I checked my online banking statement.  In all my life, I never had an issue with money.  I have always been financially responsible.  But it's a good thing I get paid this Thursday.  My account is pretty bleak.  This past month I wrote some very hefty checks, and doubled up on utilities my wife never paid to boot.  She basically drained me this last month, by doing nothing.  I didn't give her a penny, but I had to cover so many things.

Last nights dinner was Cheerios.  Today's lunch was a $2 frozen meal (no breakfast).  Tonight I'm thinking a can of soup.  And people wonder why I'm losing weight?  Well, it's pretty hard to keep full when you have no money because lawyers, tax collectors, utilities, and the government takes it all within 4 weeks of each other.

(Today's post felt like a rant...but it also felt good).